1
00:00:09,490 --> 00:00:10,658
When's Freddie coming?
2
00:00:10,825 --> 00:00:13,410
In a few hours.
I'm picking him up at the airport.
3
00:00:13,577 --> 00:00:15,287
Gosh, I'm so excited to see him.
4
00:00:15,494 --> 00:00:18,163
And it was Lilith's turn this
year to have him for his birthday,
5
00:00:18,247 --> 00:00:20,247
but apparently there
was an accident at the lab.
6
00:00:20,331 --> 00:00:22,381
One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue.
7
00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:25,168
What exactly was she
doing with the monkey?
8
00:00:25,252 --> 00:00:28,671
She's was teaching them sign language.
9
00:00:29,046 --> 00:00:31,246
I guess one of them
made a disparaging remark
10
00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:32,591
about her new haircut.
11
00:00:32,757 --> 00:00:34,926
She stuck her tongue out. Heh.
12
00:00:36,094 --> 00:00:38,262
Wow, how bad does a haircut have to be
13
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,931
for a monkey to hate it?
14
00:00:41,222 --> 00:00:44,391
Well, I guess I'm just gonna
have to get myself a cup of coffee.
15
00:00:44,475 --> 00:00:47,436
-Oh, somebody dropped a wallet.
-Mmm.
16
00:00:47,978 --> 00:00:49,479
Is he cute?
17
00:00:49,687 --> 00:00:51,688
It's hard to tell from a
driver's license photo,
18
00:00:51,772 --> 00:00:55,692
but he is 5-foot-6, weighs 200
pounds, and has corrective lenses.
19
00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:57,944
Leave it on the floor.
20
00:00:59,194 --> 00:01:02,544
Well, thank God I don't share your
good-deeds-for-hunks-only policy.
21
00:01:03,865 --> 00:01:04,908
Excuse me,
22
00:01:05,074 --> 00:01:07,742
-I found this on the floor…
-Is that my wallet you got there?
23
00:01:07,826 --> 00:01:09,869
Is it?
Well, I found it on the floor over there.
24
00:01:09,953 --> 00:01:11,745
I was about to drop it off at the counter.
25
00:01:11,829 --> 00:01:13,539
Please, no reward. Heh-heh.
26
00:01:13,748 --> 00:01:16,082
-What happened to my cash?
-Well, I don't know.
27
00:01:16,166 --> 00:01:17,500
It was empty when I found it.
28
00:01:17,584 --> 00:01:20,628
Yeah, right. I had seven bucks in here.
29
00:01:20,836 --> 00:01:23,380
Well, I'm sure some lucky
thief is off enjoying a matinee
30
00:01:23,464 --> 00:01:25,506
and a small soda.
31
00:01:25,798 --> 00:01:29,176
At least you left my credit card. Jerk.
32
00:01:30,636 --> 00:01:32,637
Would you please bring me my usual?
33
00:01:33,596 --> 00:01:35,139
Can you believe that guy?
34
00:01:35,306 --> 00:01:37,474
I do him a favor, he
accuses me of stealing.
35
00:01:37,641 --> 00:01:40,017
Oh, please.
The world is full of creeps like that.
36
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:41,601
Haven't you figured that out yet?
37
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:45,064
I'm sorry, Roz, but I still believe
that people are basically good.
38
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,232
Hey, guys, I'm glad you're here.
39
00:01:48,399 --> 00:01:52,026
-I need to talk to you about something.
-What can I do for you, Bulldog?
40
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:54,111
My mom's having bypass
surgery tomorrow morning,
41
00:01:54,195 --> 00:01:57,073
and I'd like to sit up with
her tonight at the hospital.
42
00:01:57,281 --> 00:01:59,741
But I gotta work the 11:00 to 1:00 spot.
43
00:01:59,908 --> 00:02:01,784
I don't suppose you'd think…
44
00:02:01,868 --> 00:02:05,704
Oh, right. Like we don't know
there's a big fight in Vegas tonight.
45
00:02:05,913 --> 00:02:09,313
Look, I know I've jerked you guys
around before, but this is serious.
46
00:02:09,415 --> 00:02:10,500
Bulldog, I'm sorry.
47
00:02:10,708 --> 00:02:13,108
Frederick's coming in tonight.
It's his birthday.
48
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:17,171
Okay, Doc. Never mind. I understand.
49
00:02:18,214 --> 00:02:20,423
Hello, Bernice Briscoe's room, please.
50
00:02:20,632 --> 00:02:21,841
I hope my mom's around
51
00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:23,908
-to celebrate her next birthday.
-Oh.
52
00:02:24,301 --> 00:02:26,428
Hi, Mom, it's Bobby.
53
00:02:26,637 --> 00:02:29,973
Um… Look, I'm gonna
have to work tonight after all.
54
00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:32,081
Bulldog, wait a minute. You know what?
55
00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:35,393
Frederick will be asleep by eleven o'clock.
I guess we could take your slot.
56
00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:37,603
Are you insane?
How can you be so gullible?
57
00:02:37,812 --> 00:02:39,939
-He is not talking to his mother.
-Ro…
58
00:02:40,481 --> 00:02:43,817
Does somebody have a boo-boo on her heart?
59
00:02:45,693 --> 00:02:47,319
Is someone gonna have to open you up
60
00:02:47,403 --> 00:02:50,655
with those big old rib spreaders?
61
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,367
Oh, Mrs. Briscoe, I'm so sorry.
62
00:02:57,202 --> 00:03:00,495
Listen, I just wanted you to know
that we'll fill in for Bobby tonight.
63
00:03:00,579 --> 00:03:02,330
Thanks a million, you guys.
64
00:03:02,497 --> 00:03:06,834
-I'd better get back to the hospital.
-God bless, Bulldog.
65
00:03:07,042 --> 00:03:10,379
Oh, I can't believe I said that.
That poor woman.
66
00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:12,504
-We're outta here.
-Our flight doesn't leave
67
00:03:12,588 --> 00:03:15,006
-for another two hours.
-I gotta stop by my mom's first.
68
00:03:15,090 --> 00:03:17,175
I owe her 50 bucks and case of Schlitz.
69
00:03:24,222 --> 00:03:25,265
[HUMMING]
70
00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:40,735
Should I even ask?
71
00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:43,195
These balloons come
in an unsealed package,
72
00:03:43,362 --> 00:03:45,530
covered with some mysterious dust,
73
00:03:45,697 --> 00:03:47,865
straight from some
Southeast Asian sweatshop.
74
00:03:47,949 --> 00:03:50,299
-Doesn't that worry you?
-Oh, you bet it does.
75
00:03:50,451 --> 00:03:53,001
I remember back in Korea
we'd crouch in our foxholes
76
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,914
scared to death those bastards
were gonna drop balloons on us.
77
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:00,291
The doorman called. They're on their way.
78
00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:02,668
Don't know how much of a
surprise it's gonna be anyway.
79
00:04:02,752 --> 00:04:05,128
-You did the same thing last year.
-That's the point.
80
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:07,338
He'd never suspect I'd
do it two years in a row.
81
00:04:07,422 --> 00:04:10,257
I must say I feel a bit bad for Freddie.
None of his mates are here,
82
00:04:10,341 --> 00:04:12,885
just the three of us old
fogies yelling "Surprise."
83
00:04:13,093 --> 00:04:15,594
Any party that he's at with
you is gonna be a treat for him.
84
00:04:15,678 --> 00:04:17,012
He has a little crush on you.
85
00:04:17,096 --> 00:04:19,013
If you really want
Frederick to enjoy himself,
86
00:04:19,097 --> 00:04:22,184
he especially likes you in
that little blue cocktail dress.
87
00:04:23,642 --> 00:04:27,313
Eh… I'm not sure that dress is
appropriate for a child's birthday party.
88
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,648
Well, it's hardly a party.
It's just us fogies.
89
00:04:31,691 --> 00:04:34,192
You know, Frederick, your
granddad really wanted to be here,
90
00:04:34,276 --> 00:04:36,426
but he had an important
Rotary Club meeting.
91
00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:37,737
Uh-oh.
92
00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:41,073
-What?
-Not another surprise party.
93
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:45,326
-What are you talking about?
-Just like last year.
94
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:49,245
Oh, Lord, all right, I'll tell you
what, just don't let on, okay?
95
00:04:49,454 --> 00:04:52,604
You know how he loves this stuff.
Just act surprised, all right?
96
00:04:52,749 --> 00:04:54,582
The hardest thing is
pretending to be fooled
97
00:04:54,666 --> 00:04:57,086
-by the trick candles.
-Oh, gosh. Heh.
98
00:04:57,252 --> 00:05:00,088
You think it's hard now,
wait until you're my age.
99
00:05:01,589 --> 00:05:03,507
Surprise!
100
00:05:03,715 --> 00:05:06,926
-Oh, wow! I'm so surprised.
-You see? I told you.
101
00:05:07,093 --> 00:05:08,135
Hey, Freddie.
102
00:05:08,302 --> 00:05:10,053
-How are you doing? Happy birthday.
-Hi.
103
00:05:10,137 --> 00:05:12,054
[EXCITEDLY] Hi!
104
00:05:12,138 --> 00:05:13,514
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
105
00:05:13,598 --> 00:05:14,889
[PHONE RINGS]
106
00:05:14,973 --> 00:05:16,809
Just let me get the phone.
107
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:18,352
Hm.
108
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,103
Hello?
109
00:05:20,269 --> 00:05:22,021
Yes, who's calling, please?
110
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:23,647
Wewef?
111
00:05:23,814 --> 00:05:25,315
Anyone here know a Wewef?
112
00:05:26,024 --> 00:05:27,650
Oh, Lilith.
113
00:05:30,236 --> 00:05:31,903
Yes, hello, Lilith.
114
00:05:32,237 --> 00:05:34,637
What's that?
Oh, right, yes, of course he's here.
115
00:05:34,781 --> 00:05:37,407
It's your mom. Why don't you
take it into your granddad's room?
116
00:05:37,491 --> 00:05:39,868
-Okay. Hi, Mom.
-Let's get the cake ready.
117
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,536
Oh, yes, yes. Oh, Frasier,
118
00:05:41,702 --> 00:05:44,052
-I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
-Ooh.
119
00:05:44,704 --> 00:05:48,500
-Eh! Voila!
-What the hell is that?
120
00:05:48,708 --> 00:05:52,044
It's Louis Pasteur,
Freddie's favorite scientist.
121
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:55,838
What child wouldn't be thrilled
with a coconut death mask
122
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,965
on his birthday?
123
00:05:58,882 --> 00:06:00,801
Frasier, what happened to your jacket?
124
00:06:01,009 --> 00:06:03,969
Oh, at the airport, I helped this
woman get her dog into her car.
125
00:06:04,053 --> 00:06:07,138
-Oh, I hope at least it was in a crate.
-Yes, very heavy crate.
126
00:06:07,222 --> 00:06:09,891
I had to hold it at arm's length
so that what I chose to believe
127
00:06:09,975 --> 00:06:12,476
was drool wouldn't run out onto my shoes.
128
00:06:14,644 --> 00:06:17,939
Eight blocks later I finally
load little Fido into her backseat,
129
00:06:18,106 --> 00:06:20,065
woman drives off without
so much as a thank-you
130
00:06:20,149 --> 00:06:22,150
or an offer to give
me a ride to the airport.
131
00:06:22,234 --> 00:06:24,651
I responded with the
time-honored gesture of disapproval,
132
00:06:24,735 --> 00:06:27,779
but on the upswing I caught
my finger on the jacket and…
133
00:06:27,946 --> 00:06:29,322
Oh, thank you.
134
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:33,659
I must say my belief in people's basic
decency has taken a beating today.
135
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:36,619
Earlier, I returned a man's wallet.
He accused me of stealing.
136
00:06:36,703 --> 00:06:38,653
Well, it just proves what I always say,
137
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,663
a Good Samaritan is
nothing but a good target.
138
00:06:40,747 --> 00:06:43,208
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm not ready
to be quite that cynical yet.
139
00:06:43,292 --> 00:06:45,125
-He's off the phone.
-Oh, good. All right.
140
00:06:45,209 --> 00:06:46,585
You can believe what you want,
141
00:06:46,669 --> 00:06:50,755
but I think people are born rotten
and every year they get worse.
142
00:06:50,922 --> 00:06:54,425
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
143
00:06:56,093 --> 00:07:02,389
Welcome back to the night-owl
edition of The Dr. Frasier Crane Show.
144
00:07:02,806 --> 00:07:06,100
We have Stephen on line two.
145
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:08,519
Go ahead, caller, you're on the air.
146
00:07:08,686 --> 00:07:11,020
MAN [OVER RADIO]: I think
I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane.
147
00:07:11,104 --> 00:07:13,773
People are talking to me through my radio.
148
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:17,193
-Why do you think that?
-There it is again.
149
00:07:21,070 --> 00:07:25,032
-Turn your radio down.
-Now it's giving me orders.
150
00:07:26,617 --> 00:07:28,534
Stephen, turn your radio down.
151
00:07:28,701 --> 00:07:31,661
It knows my name.
152
00:07:32,037 --> 00:07:34,581
Stephen, listen to me,
this is your radio talking.
153
00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:37,333
I'm a very smart radio,
and I care about you,
154
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,210
and I want you to turn me off.
155
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:42,003
Go to bed and seek
counseling in the morning.
156
00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:43,463
Okay.
157
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,423
Sorry, Doc, can't talk anymore.
158
00:07:50,259 --> 00:07:53,470
Well, I'd like to end tonight
on a philosophical note.
159
00:07:53,637 --> 00:07:57,014
You see, earlier today,
I helped some people.
160
00:07:57,181 --> 00:08:03,478
I returned a man's wallet, and
I aided a woman at the airport.
161
00:08:03,645 --> 00:08:04,938
And in return,
162
00:08:05,104 --> 00:08:10,942
I was accused of being a thief,
and my favorite jacket was ruined.
163
00:08:17,572 --> 00:08:20,449
I was so disappointed
by the events of the day
164
00:08:20,658 --> 00:08:22,617
that, on my way to work here tonight,
165
00:08:22,825 --> 00:08:25,245
I almost passed an
elderly man with a flat tire
166
00:08:25,453 --> 00:08:27,704
without stopping to help him.
167
00:08:30,582 --> 00:08:32,083
What the hell are you doing?
168
00:08:32,291 --> 00:08:34,418
I asked myself.
169
00:08:41,173 --> 00:08:44,592
How would I feel if I
were in this man's position
170
00:08:44,759 --> 00:08:46,093
and no one stopped to help me?
171
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:48,845
Well, I did pull over, I helped the man,
172
00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:51,598
and frankly, it felt great.
173
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:55,101
So without sounding preachy,
I would like to advise you all
174
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:58,853
to do a good deed once in a while,
175
00:08:59,020 --> 00:09:03,607
if not for the sake of others,
but then, well, for your own sake.
176
00:09:03,774 --> 00:09:06,859
Thank you. Now, let's go to station ID.
177
00:09:07,944 --> 00:09:09,945
Roz, do you mind?
178
00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:13,490
What is your problem?
I'm getting ready for bed.
179
00:09:13,657 --> 00:09:15,741
Alice gets me up at the crack of dawn.
180
00:09:15,908 --> 00:09:19,118
If I get all this taken care of, I
get an extra half hour of sleep.
181
00:09:19,202 --> 00:09:21,829
Well, at least you spared
me the spectacle of flossing.
182
00:09:21,913 --> 00:09:24,456
Thanks for reminding me. I had corn.
183
00:09:28,251 --> 00:09:30,003
And we're back.
184
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:34,172
It seems that we've got
time for one more call.
185
00:09:34,756 --> 00:09:37,842
Don't bother, Roz, I'll get it.
186
00:09:41,177 --> 00:09:44,596
Go ahead, caller.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
187
00:09:44,763 --> 00:09:46,640
MAN: Hi, Dr. Crane, this is Ralph.
188
00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:48,849
The guy whose tire you changed tonight.
189
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:51,269
Ralph! Well, what a wonderful surprise.
190
00:09:51,436 --> 00:09:54,520
Let me first say to our listeners,
this call was not solicited in any way.
191
00:09:54,604 --> 00:09:55,772
You go ahead, Ralph.
192
00:09:55,981 --> 00:09:58,524
I was just wondering,
do you wear cufflinks?
193
00:09:58,691 --> 00:10:02,402
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do,
but there's no need to buy me a gift.
194
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:06,112
A gift? You scratched the hell out
of my paint job with those things.
195
00:10:06,196 --> 00:10:08,115
You owe me money.
196
00:10:08,615 --> 00:10:10,491
You can't be serious.
197
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,534
How much damage
could cuff links do to a car
198
00:10:12,618 --> 00:10:16,371
whose side window consists
of duct tape and a Hefty bag?
199
00:10:16,538 --> 00:10:18,664
You'll find out when my
lawyer sends you the bill.
200
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:19,790
[GASPS]
201
00:10:19,957 --> 00:10:23,752
Let me remind you again,
listeners, that call was not solicited.
202
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,514
FRASIER [THINKING]: Oh, great.
203
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,698
Somebody else in need of a Good Samaritan.
204
00:10:45,352 --> 00:10:48,604
Maybe if I ignore her, she'll stop waving.
205
00:10:50,647 --> 00:10:53,941
But what am I gonna do?
Just leave her standing in the rain?
206
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:57,486
Then again, every one
of my good deeds today
207
00:10:57,652 --> 00:11:00,572
has ended up biting me in the butt.
208
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:12,122
Such nasty weather.
May I offer you a ride?
209
00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:14,415
Oh, thank you.
210
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,043
Ah!
211
00:11:21,505 --> 00:11:23,463
I didn't think anyone was gonna stop.
212
00:11:23,547 --> 00:11:27,300
Well, chivalry may be on
life support, but it's not dead.
213
00:11:27,509 --> 00:11:29,719
-Oh, seat warmers.
-Yes, they're standard.
214
00:11:29,928 --> 00:11:32,554
There's a little control on the
side if you want more leg room.
215
00:11:32,638 --> 00:11:34,848
-Now where can I take you?
-It's up to you.
216
00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:38,393
We can get a room or we
can do it here in the car.
217
00:11:40,102 --> 00:11:41,144
[SEAT WHIRRING]
218
00:11:41,353 --> 00:11:43,146
Oh, dear God.
219
00:11:43,313 --> 00:11:46,524
-You are a prostitute.
-How far do these go back?
220
00:11:47,066 --> 00:11:49,442
Look, I'm sorry. There's been a mistake.
221
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,653
-Don't be nervous, baby.
-I'm not.
222
00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:55,280
-Would you please put your seat up?
-I'll put it any way you like it, honey.
223
00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:58,950
Stop talking to me that way.
For God's sake! All right, now please,
224
00:11:59,117 --> 00:12:01,701
I'm sorry about this
misunderstanding, but get out of my car.
225
00:12:01,785 --> 00:12:04,620
-Why the hell did you pick me up?
-I was trying to be a gentleman.
226
00:12:04,704 --> 00:12:06,163
Now get out.
227
00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,498
I'm not walking all the
way back to my corner.
228
00:12:08,582 --> 00:12:11,668
-Give me some money for a cab.
-All right, fine.
229
00:12:11,918 --> 00:12:15,086
Lord, I guess I must have
left my wallet at the station.
230
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:16,921
How in the hell were
you going to pay for me?
231
00:12:17,005 --> 00:12:20,883
I wasn't going to pay for you!
Oh, here's a $20 bill. Now get out.
232
00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:22,092
[SIREN WAILS]
233
00:12:22,926 --> 00:12:25,762
FRASIER: God. Get out.
Get out. Hurry, get out now.
234
00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:27,888
It's too late. They've seen us.
235
00:12:28,055 --> 00:12:30,055
I don't believe this is happening to me.
236
00:12:33,768 --> 00:12:35,102
Hello, Officer.
237
00:12:35,269 --> 00:12:36,979
Just how fast was I going?
238
00:12:37,521 --> 00:12:38,814
Hey, don't I know you?
239
00:12:39,022 --> 00:12:41,399
-I don't believe so.
-I'm not talking to you.
240
00:12:41,607 --> 00:12:43,151
Didn't I bust you last week?
241
00:12:43,359 --> 00:12:45,109
[MALE VOICE] Give me a break, buddy.
242
00:12:45,193 --> 00:12:47,154
I'm trying to earn a living here.
243
00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:55,535
Was it really necessary
to take my belt and tie?
244
00:12:55,702 --> 00:12:58,244
Standard procedure.
It's for your own protection.
245
00:12:58,328 --> 00:13:00,955
For God's sake, you
had me in the drunk tank.
246
00:13:01,122 --> 00:13:04,125
If I wanted to kill myself, I
would've taken a deep breath.
247
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:10,337
-Frasier!
-Niles.
248
00:13:10,546 --> 00:13:14,007
You certainly took your sweet time.
I've been waiting here two hours.
249
00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:15,365
Well, I'm sorry, Niles.
250
00:13:15,508 --> 00:13:18,009
I guess what with the
pillow fight in the holding tank
251
00:13:18,093 --> 00:13:20,512
and the pre-mug shot makeover,
time just got away from me.
252
00:13:20,596 --> 00:13:22,555
Will you stop it!
253
00:13:24,974 --> 00:13:27,975
Just bail me out of here. I can't
stand another minute in this place.
254
00:13:28,059 --> 00:13:29,603
All right. Excuse me.
255
00:13:29,769 --> 00:13:33,355
If you could get our bill together,
we're ready to settle up here.
256
00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:36,065
It's 500 bucks.
257
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,526
Five hundred… Frasier, I don't
have that kind of cash on me.
258
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,085
Put it on your credit card.
259
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,153
And have "bail" appear on my statement?
260
00:13:43,237 --> 00:13:45,637
Do you know the kind
of junk mail I would get…
261
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:47,074
Just do it.
262
00:13:47,408 --> 00:13:49,117
Okay.
263
00:13:49,826 --> 00:13:51,536
There you are.
264
00:13:52,369 --> 00:13:56,206
So, what happened? A prostitute?
265
00:13:56,372 --> 00:13:57,832
[LAUGHS]
266
00:13:58,124 --> 00:13:59,625
Please, I told you on the phone,
267
00:13:59,709 --> 00:14:01,918
-I didn't know she was a prostitute.
-Uh-huh.
268
00:14:02,002 --> 00:14:03,879
I saw a woman stranded in the rain.
269
00:14:04,046 --> 00:14:06,923
Naturally, I offered her a ride.
Before I knew it,
270
00:14:07,089 --> 00:14:11,051
I was handcuffed to this bench,
surrounded by this motley assortment
271
00:14:11,259 --> 00:14:14,970
of other wrongfully accused gentlemen.
272
00:14:18,264 --> 00:14:21,518
-Sir, your card didn't go through.
-What? Huh.
273
00:14:21,683 --> 00:14:22,726
[GASPS]
274
00:14:22,893 --> 00:14:25,311
That's right, Maris' lawyers
had my credit limit reduced.
275
00:14:25,395 --> 00:14:26,437
Oh, no.
276
00:14:26,646 --> 00:14:28,814
Been so bad this week when
I went to the cheese shop
277
00:14:28,898 --> 00:14:32,150
for their Around the World platter,
they cut me off at Luxembourg.
278
00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,318
Would you please call
Dad and get him down here?
279
00:14:35,402 --> 00:14:36,987
All right. All right.
280
00:14:37,696 --> 00:14:38,739
[PHONE BEEPS]
281
00:14:39,614 --> 00:14:42,909
Yeah, Dad, hi.
My credit card was declined.
282
00:14:43,075 --> 00:14:47,287
Well, we need yours. Yeah.
Well, right, yeah, I'll see you soon.
283
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:50,080
This is intolerable.
It'll take him 20 minutes to get here.
284
00:14:50,164 --> 00:14:52,332
-No, no, he's waiting in the car.
-What?
285
00:14:52,499 --> 00:14:53,959
Why didn't he come in?
286
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:56,585
Frasier, this was his old precinct.
287
00:14:56,752 --> 00:14:59,504
When we pulled up outside, I
saw a look on his face I haven't seen
288
00:14:59,588 --> 00:15:02,966
since he drove us home from our
first and only Little League game.
289
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:08,095
-Oh, Dad.
-Hey, hold it down, will you?
290
00:15:08,262 --> 00:15:11,097
Dad, I'm so sorry. What happened was…
291
00:15:11,264 --> 00:15:13,764
No, I don't need to know.
I didn't come down here to judge.
292
00:15:13,848 --> 00:15:16,893
-You're my son, and I love you.
-Yes, for God's sakes, Dad, I didn't…
293
00:15:16,977 --> 00:15:18,935
Why don't we pay up,
and get out of here, okay?
294
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:20,354
-Hey, Marty.
-Hey, Fred.
295
00:15:20,521 --> 00:15:22,563
Listen, I wouldn't take
this too hard, Marty.
296
00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:24,398
You remember Captain Petchesky's son
297
00:15:24,482 --> 00:15:26,399
turned out to be the Colman Park pervert.
298
00:15:26,483 --> 00:15:29,403
-Yeah, thanks.
-And Sergeant O'Brien's daughter
299
00:15:29,611 --> 00:15:31,988
-does all them cable movies.
-Yeah, I heard.
300
00:15:32,154 --> 00:15:33,906
You can pick her out. She's got his chin.
301
00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:36,783
Yeah, could we just get on with it here?
302
00:15:37,826 --> 00:15:39,368
Dad, will you let me explain?
303
00:15:39,577 --> 00:15:41,536
Frasier, look, I understand.
I was in the Army.
304
00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:42,954
We all have our urges.
305
00:15:43,162 --> 00:15:45,122
-But you don't understand.
-Just sign here.
306
00:15:45,206 --> 00:15:46,958
All that happened was…
307
00:15:47,166 --> 00:15:49,459
Bye, Dr. Crane. Sorry I got you arrested.
308
00:15:49,668 --> 00:15:52,461
Oh, that's all right, Crystal.
These things happen.
309
00:15:53,045 --> 00:15:54,088
[DOOR OPENS]
310
00:15:58,508 --> 00:16:00,884
He had a wig on.
311
00:16:02,678 --> 00:16:06,806
-You're my son and I love you.
-Oh, would you stop saying that!
312
00:16:09,683 --> 00:16:11,768
MARTIN: I still don't know
what you were thinking.
313
00:16:11,852 --> 00:16:13,602
The middle of the night, deserted street,
314
00:16:13,686 --> 00:16:15,104
picking up a strange woman.
315
00:16:15,313 --> 00:16:16,363
A very strange woman.
316
00:16:16,522 --> 00:16:17,564
[CHUCKLES]
317
00:16:19,232 --> 00:16:21,276
Well, obviously I wasn't thinking.
318
00:16:21,442 --> 00:16:23,027
Thank God now it's all over.
319
00:16:23,193 --> 00:16:25,487
I can just spend a quiet
weekend here with Frederick.
320
00:16:25,571 --> 00:16:28,990
Oh, dear God!
321
00:16:29,449 --> 00:16:32,701
-"Doc's Pal Is a Mock Gal."
-FRASIER: Ugh!
322
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:34,869
Oh!
323
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,538
Will this nightmare never end?
324
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,540
Now listen, Dad, we're bound to
get a lot of calls about this thing.
325
00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:43,208
Please do not answer the phone.
Don't talk to anybody.
326
00:16:43,292 --> 00:16:46,503
Let the machine get it. Don't give
them anything they can turn tawdry.
327
00:16:46,587 --> 00:16:48,004
Yeah, I live with Dr. Crane.
328
00:16:48,171 --> 00:16:50,339
Yeah, there's quite a
bit of massage involved.
329
00:16:50,423 --> 00:16:51,756
Daphne!
330
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,633
Mostly around the hips,
thighs, and buttocks.
331
00:16:53,717 --> 00:16:55,510
No. Give me that.
332
00:16:55,676 --> 00:16:57,345
No comment!
333
00:16:57,511 --> 00:16:59,811
Oh, no, Daphne, please,
don't answer the phone.
334
00:16:59,971 --> 00:17:01,181
Let the machine pick up.
335
00:17:01,389 --> 00:17:03,808
Well, the machine's filled up.
Everyone's been calling.
336
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,518
-Oh, God. Where's Frederick?
-He's still asleep.
337
00:17:06,685 --> 00:17:09,585
Look, Dr. Crane, I just want
to say you're the victim here.
338
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:10,772
Thank you.
339
00:17:10,938 --> 00:17:12,523
American society's so close-minded
340
00:17:12,607 --> 00:17:14,608
when it comes to sexual experimentation.
341
00:17:14,775 --> 00:17:17,325
-In Europe…
-Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!
342
00:17:17,526 --> 00:17:19,726
Well, exactly.
That's what I'm trying to say.
343
00:17:19,820 --> 00:17:22,739
Oh, God, I guess I deserve all this.
344
00:17:22,906 --> 00:17:26,283
I certainly had enough warning
to stop being such a Boy Scout.
345
00:17:26,450 --> 00:17:29,078
But did I listen? No.
346
00:17:29,244 --> 00:17:31,746
Well, from now on, Dr. Crane,
347
00:17:31,913 --> 00:17:35,707
or as Seattle now knows him, "Dr.
Strangelove…"
348
00:17:38,085 --> 00:17:40,127
…is out of the Samaritan business.
349
00:17:40,294 --> 00:17:41,462
Thank you, Niles.
350
00:17:42,171 --> 00:17:46,049
Frasier, have you given much thought
to what you're going to tell Frederick?
351
00:17:47,216 --> 00:17:48,842
Oh, God.
352
00:17:49,385 --> 00:17:52,136
How can I possibly explain it to him?
353
00:17:52,512 --> 00:17:54,612
Well, I guess the key
is not to be evasive.
354
00:17:54,764 --> 00:17:56,806
He's gonna hear about it sooner or later.
355
00:17:56,890 --> 00:18:00,225
I guess it should be from me.
After all, I am a trained professional.
356
00:18:00,309 --> 00:18:02,936
I'll be able to do it in a way
that won't traumatize the child.
357
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:05,146
Freddie, don't touch that!
358
00:18:11,443 --> 00:18:13,485
You know, I could use
a glass of orange juice.
359
00:18:13,569 --> 00:18:15,738
I think I'm gonna go in
the kitchen and get a glass.
360
00:18:15,822 --> 00:18:19,324
Oh, orange juice. Yum.
I'm going to come with you for that.
361
00:18:21,325 --> 00:18:24,620
-Am I having another surprise party?
-No.
362
00:18:24,787 --> 00:18:28,248
No, Frederick, here, sit
down for a second, son.
363
00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:31,250
I've got something I've
got to talk to you about.
364
00:18:31,709 --> 00:18:32,959
For the next couple of days,
365
00:18:33,043 --> 00:18:35,962
you're gonna hear
some rather nasty stories
366
00:18:36,129 --> 00:18:40,048
and some snide jokes about your old man.
367
00:18:40,257 --> 00:18:42,342
Mom's coming?
368
00:18:47,971 --> 00:18:50,849
No. No, no, she's not.
369
00:18:51,014 --> 00:18:52,099
It's…
370
00:18:52,266 --> 00:18:56,018
It's very hard for me to tell you
this, but I just spent the night in jail.
371
00:18:56,227 --> 00:18:58,521
Wow, like Brad Johnson's dad.
372
00:18:58,730 --> 00:19:02,149
Well, that was different.
Insider trading is wrong.
373
00:19:04,108 --> 00:19:05,818
-What did you do?
-Well,
374
00:19:06,026 --> 00:19:10,363
I saw a woman standing in
the rain, and I gave her a ride.
375
00:19:10,572 --> 00:19:12,323
You can go to jail for that?
376
00:19:12,531 --> 00:19:14,992
Well, it depends on the sort of woman.
377
00:19:15,159 --> 00:19:16,493
You see, this particular woman,
378
00:19:16,577 --> 00:19:22,706
this person was a prostitute.
379
00:19:22,914 --> 00:19:25,583
But I didn't know that
until it was too late.
380
00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:27,418
A prostitute?
381
00:19:27,626 --> 00:19:30,587
Oh, God, how can I explain this?
382
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:34,548
A prostitute is someone who
engages in sexual relations
383
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,675
with other people for money.
384
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,636
Dad, I'm 11. I know what a prostitute is.
385
00:19:42,138 --> 00:19:45,056
But why did you pick one up?
386
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:51,060
Well, you see, I didn't know
that it was a prostitute at the time.
387
00:19:51,227 --> 00:19:54,898
I was only trying to do a good deed.
388
00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:57,482
And I guess in hindsight,
it was all a big mistake.
389
00:19:57,566 --> 00:19:59,650
I just should have minded my own business.
390
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:03,446
So, what are you saying, Dad?
You shouldn't try to help people?
391
00:20:05,322 --> 00:20:07,073
Well…
392
00:20:20,501 --> 00:20:23,878
-May I offer you a ride?
-Oh, thank you.
393
00:20:26,922 --> 00:20:28,131
Oh.
394
00:20:29,132 --> 00:20:31,800
I waved at you a couple of
times, but I didn't think you saw me.
395
00:20:31,884 --> 00:20:33,093
Yes, well, I noticed you.
396
00:20:33,177 --> 00:20:36,554
I was just having sort of a bad daydream.
397
00:20:36,763 --> 00:20:38,680
Heh. So where can I take you?
398
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,974
Same place you're going.
399
00:20:41,183 --> 00:20:43,976
-Oh, dear God, you're…
-Laura Hilton.
400
00:20:44,185 --> 00:20:48,188
-I live in your building.
-Of course. Laura. Hi.
401
00:20:48,522 --> 00:20:50,524
I'm so glad you stopped when you did.
402
00:20:50,689 --> 00:20:52,650
Oh, I'm certainly glad I stopped too.