1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,401 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 2 00:00:08,947 --> 00:00:11,450 [PHONE RINGING] 3 00:00:14,535 --> 00:00:16,496 [FRASIER GRUNTS] 4 00:00:22,167 --> 00:00:24,334 -Hello? -MAN 1 [ON PHONE]: Dr. Crane? 5 00:00:24,418 --> 00:00:27,045 -Yes, who's this? -Dr. Kaufman. 6 00:00:27,129 --> 00:00:30,381 Bob Kaufman of the National Psychotherapy Institute. 7 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:33,968 Oh, my gosh, it's 6:15 in the morning your time. 8 00:00:34,052 --> 00:00:35,344 I hope I didn't wake you. 9 00:00:35,719 --> 00:00:40,931 No, no, no, I was up. Uh, where did you say you're calling from? 10 00:00:41,015 --> 00:00:44,852 The National Psychotherapy Institute. In Saddle River, New Jersey? 11 00:00:45,561 --> 00:00:47,020 FRASIER: Oh, yes, of course. 12 00:00:47,354 --> 00:00:52,858 -Uh, what can I do for you? -For Pete's sake. No one called you? 13 00:00:52,942 --> 00:00:57,612 You've won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award. Congratulations. 14 00:01:00,615 --> 00:01:02,491 Well, thank you. 15 00:01:02,991 --> 00:01:05,118 Of course, the work itself is honor enough. 16 00:01:05,202 --> 00:01:07,453 Thank you. And I'm sorry about the mix-up. 17 00:01:07,537 --> 00:01:09,913 The problem is, we're gonna need pictures of you 18 00:01:09,997 --> 00:01:11,797 so we can get started on the statue. 19 00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:17,128 -Statue? -For our Hall of Thinkers? 20 00:01:17,212 --> 00:01:19,630 Angie, he never got the packet. 21 00:01:21,799 --> 00:01:25,634 -Uh, is there anything I can do? -Well, it's a little late now, 22 00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:27,553 but maybe if you described your body, 23 00:01:27,637 --> 00:01:30,013 we could get started on the preliminary carving. 24 00:01:30,097 --> 00:01:34,391 The sculptor's right here. Fortunately, we got the Gustav Brumholt. 25 00:01:34,475 --> 00:01:35,601 Oh, my. 26 00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:39,395 [GERMAN ACCENT] Yeah, Dr. Crane, please, yeah? 27 00:01:39,479 --> 00:01:41,189 FRASIER: Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. 28 00:01:41,273 --> 00:01:43,524 Herr Brumholt, may I say, it's quite an honor. 29 00:01:43,608 --> 00:01:46,610 MAN 2: Yeah, yeah, we have your face, very handsome. 30 00:01:46,694 --> 00:01:50,363 -But I need you to describe your body. -FRASIER: Yes, of course. Um… 31 00:01:50,905 --> 00:01:52,824 Six foot one. Um… 32 00:01:53,449 --> 00:01:54,742 Medium build. 33 00:01:54,826 --> 00:01:56,451 Broad shoulders. 34 00:01:56,535 --> 00:01:59,496 -Sublimely proportioned. -MAN 2: Yeah. 35 00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:01,997 That's good, but before I order my marble, 36 00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:07,502 I need you to describe your, um, how do I say this, your… Where you sit, yeah? 37 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:10,921 Oh, my posterior, yes. Well, that is a little sensitive, isn't it? 38 00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:14,132 MAN 2: Oh, you don't want to tell me? I understand. It's a big one? 39 00:02:14,216 --> 00:02:15,926 No, no, no, no, I didn't say that. 40 00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:18,344 MAN 2: Angie, order the big marble, please, yeah. 41 00:02:18,428 --> 00:02:21,263 No, no, could you please put Dr. Kaufman back on? 42 00:02:21,347 --> 00:02:23,890 MAN 2: No, I have a better idea. 43 00:02:23,974 --> 00:02:25,350 Why don't you send us a picture 44 00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:27,434 [LOSES ACCENT] of your immense hind quarters, 45 00:02:27,518 --> 00:02:30,646 and send them to KACL's new morning team 46 00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:32,980 [IN UNISON] Carlos and The Chicken. 47 00:02:33,064 --> 00:02:34,900 Bock-bock-bock! Bock! 48 00:02:40,946 --> 00:02:42,323 Dr. Kaufman? 49 00:02:44,449 --> 00:02:45,825 Angie? 50 00:02:54,624 --> 00:02:56,667 -Morning. -Good morning, Dr. Crane. 51 00:02:56,751 --> 00:02:58,585 You won't believe what just happened to me. 52 00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:02,297 -I was the victim of a radio prank. -Oh, that's terrible. 53 00:03:03,131 --> 00:03:05,757 It's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind 54 00:03:05,841 --> 00:03:06,967 passes as humor. 55 00:03:07,051 --> 00:03:08,969 [LAUGHING] 56 00:03:09,886 --> 00:03:13,186 -You heard the whole thing, didn't you? -Ja 57 00:03:15,974 --> 00:03:18,393 [NORMAL VOICE] I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they can be funny. 58 00:03:18,477 --> 00:03:20,186 Oh, that's all right, Daphne. 59 00:03:20,270 --> 00:03:22,396 Carlos and The Chicken are the sort of performers 60 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,398 who keep popping up on the radio these days. 61 00:03:24,482 --> 00:03:30,528 So-called humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references. 62 00:03:30,612 --> 00:03:32,946 That's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment. 63 00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:34,990 Perhaps it's just a generational thing. 64 00:03:35,074 --> 00:03:37,116 Man, they got you good. 65 00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:42,537 The Chicken was on fire. What a great bit. 66 00:03:42,621 --> 00:03:45,832 -Yeah, I think it'll be Bit of the Day. -That's it. I'm going back to bed. 67 00:03:45,916 --> 00:03:48,625 Wait a minute. Do you think you could get me a tape of the show? 68 00:03:48,709 --> 00:03:50,210 FRASIER: What on earth for? 69 00:03:50,294 --> 00:03:53,129 How often do you get to hear your son on the radio? 70 00:03:56,299 --> 00:03:58,133 I'm on the radio every day! 71 00:04:05,598 --> 00:04:08,183 Thank you very much. Hello, Roz. 72 00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:10,560 I suppose you've heard about my unscheduled appearance 73 00:04:10,644 --> 00:04:12,312 on KACL's new morning show today? 74 00:04:12,396 --> 00:04:16,064 -No, what happened? -The less said about it, the better. 75 00:04:16,148 --> 00:04:20,318 Come on, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it? 76 00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,280 Was everyone in Seattle listening at 6:00 in the morning? 77 00:04:25,364 --> 00:04:27,574 They do it at 6:00? I heard the replay at 8:00. 78 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,368 I heard it at 9:15. 79 00:04:30,952 --> 00:04:32,786 Congratulations, you were Bit of the Day. 80 00:04:32,870 --> 00:04:36,289 Oh, Lord, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish. 81 00:04:36,373 --> 00:04:38,750 Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. 82 00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:42,545 -Come on, Frasier, Hall of Thinkers? -FRASIER: Well, 83 00:04:42,962 --> 00:04:45,047 it's not such a bad idea. 84 00:04:45,131 --> 00:04:47,924 In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians. 85 00:04:48,008 --> 00:04:51,676 I think maybe we should… Well, it was early. I'm sorry. 86 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,970 Hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny. 87 00:04:54,054 --> 00:04:57,765 Wow, the Chicken's a lot cuter than on his billboards. 88 00:04:57,849 --> 00:04:59,850 Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit, 89 00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:01,935 trying to hatch Carlos' head. 90 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,104 You know, I think I might go over there and introduce myself. 91 00:05:05,188 --> 00:05:07,230 I don't know what you're thinking, but don't. 92 00:05:07,314 --> 00:05:09,733 I'm gonna go over and let them know what they did today 93 00:05:09,817 --> 00:05:11,401 was completely unacceptable. 94 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:14,278 Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can rattle you, 95 00:05:14,362 --> 00:05:16,906 they never stop. Take your lumps and laugh it off. 96 00:05:16,990 --> 00:05:19,074 Roz, I'm thoroughly capable of laughing it off. 97 00:05:19,158 --> 00:05:20,867 I wanna let them know I don't appreciate 98 00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:23,453 being made the punch line at my own station. 99 00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:25,204 I'm gonna go and tell them 100 00:05:25,288 --> 00:05:28,040 from now on, I don't want any part of their shenanigans. 101 00:05:28,124 --> 00:05:31,043 Oh, God, please don't say shenanigans. 102 00:05:34,837 --> 00:05:36,047 FRASIER: Hello, Kenny. 103 00:05:37,089 --> 00:05:39,006 I believe introductions are in order. 104 00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:42,218 Oh, right. Dr. Frasier Crane, this is the Chicken and Carlos. 105 00:05:42,302 --> 00:05:43,803 -Uh… Uh… -What? 106 00:05:43,887 --> 00:05:46,137 We're actually called Carlos and the Chicken. 107 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:49,099 Yes, well, nice to meet you boys. Uh, about this morning… 108 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,307 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 109 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,977 I don't wanna see any feathers flying here. 110 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:55,937 Just kidding. 111 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:58,898 Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show. 112 00:05:58,982 --> 00:06:00,357 Really? 113 00:06:00,441 --> 00:06:02,943 -You're listeners? -Oh, yeah, yeah, we're big fans. 114 00:06:03,027 --> 00:06:05,577 And the last thing we wanna do is step on your toes. 115 00:06:05,737 --> 00:06:09,657 Well, you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, 116 00:06:09,741 --> 00:06:11,866 but perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it 117 00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:14,327 rather exuberantly on your first day. 118 00:06:14,411 --> 00:06:18,288 Keep in mind in the future that this station has a certain "pecking" order. 119 00:06:18,372 --> 00:06:19,707 [ALL LAUGHING] 120 00:06:19,791 --> 00:06:21,582 We totally get it, Dr. Crane. 121 00:06:21,666 --> 00:06:24,210 -It felt wrong when we did it. -FRASIER: Oh, well. 122 00:06:24,294 --> 00:06:26,629 It sure did. Sure you're not upset or anything? 123 00:06:26,713 --> 00:06:29,131 Oh, no, no, no. No harm, no fowl. 124 00:06:29,215 --> 00:06:30,757 [ALL LAUGHING] 125 00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:32,425 It was great meeting you, Dr. Crane. 126 00:06:32,509 --> 00:06:35,052 Likewise. Hey, listen, call me Frasier. 127 00:06:35,136 --> 00:06:37,013 But don't call me at home. 128 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:40,015 Ha-ha. Dr. Crane? We're listening. 129 00:06:44,018 --> 00:06:46,311 -Is it over? I couldn't look. -For God's sake, Roz, 130 00:06:46,395 --> 00:06:50,231 have a little faith in me. After all, I do reason with people for a living. 131 00:06:50,315 --> 00:06:52,275 It's all settled. 132 00:06:53,610 --> 00:06:55,861 They're good kids, really. 133 00:06:55,945 --> 00:06:57,780 Quite sensible, actually. 134 00:06:58,197 --> 00:07:01,699 Yeah, if you go for over-sexed, beer-belching frat boy types, 135 00:07:01,783 --> 00:07:04,535 which I do. Was the Chicken wearing a wedding ring? 136 00:07:05,536 --> 00:07:08,236 You know, I really did overreact this morning, I think. 137 00:07:08,539 --> 00:07:12,249 After all, it was sort of cute, I suppose. Ha-ha. 138 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:14,585 Hall of Thinkers. 139 00:07:14,669 --> 00:07:17,128 Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man 140 00:07:17,212 --> 00:07:18,880 who's incapable of laughing at himself. 141 00:07:18,964 --> 00:07:21,423 -These are for you. -Oh. Ha, ha, ha. 142 00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:26,719 Yes, I see, some patron has sent me some sticky buns. 143 00:07:27,345 --> 00:07:29,305 That's very funny… Very funny, indeed. 144 00:07:29,389 --> 00:07:31,974 -You ordered those, sir. -Oh, so I did. 145 00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,438 [DOORBELL RINGS] 146 00:07:39,522 --> 00:07:44,233 No kidding? He's flying you to Vegas for the fight? 147 00:07:44,317 --> 00:07:47,027 That's a great son you got there, Duke. 148 00:07:49,321 --> 00:07:51,239 -Morning, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne. 149 00:07:51,323 --> 00:07:53,491 Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me, 150 00:07:53,575 --> 00:07:56,625 I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crêpe pans re-seasoned. 151 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:02,129 Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath. 152 00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:09,337 Uh, no, no, it's just Daphne. She's watching PBS. 153 00:08:10,714 --> 00:08:12,715 Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke. 154 00:08:12,799 --> 00:08:16,468 Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house? 155 00:08:16,552 --> 00:08:19,303 -Help yourself to some coffee, Niles. -Thank you. 156 00:08:19,387 --> 00:08:23,557 How do you know it's time to have your crêpe pan seasoned, anyway? 157 00:08:23,641 --> 00:08:26,351 It can be confusing. But this may help: 158 00:08:26,435 --> 00:08:28,770 "Saucepans in summer, crêpe pans in fall, 159 00:08:28,854 --> 00:08:31,564 when winter's upon us, there's food for us all." 160 00:08:34,150 --> 00:08:35,525 [PHONE RINGING] 161 00:08:35,609 --> 00:08:38,904 Whoever it is, I am not home. I am not here. 162 00:08:41,947 --> 00:08:43,698 -Hello? -MAN: Yeah, is Dr. Crane there? 163 00:08:43,782 --> 00:08:45,908 -No, actually, he's taking a bath. -Who's this? 164 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,785 -His brother, Niles. -Oh, okay. 165 00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:50,204 Well, see, this is the building superintendent. 166 00:08:50,288 --> 00:08:52,497 [WHINY VOICE] I'm in the bathroom just below his, 167 00:08:52,581 --> 00:08:54,874 and I think the pipes are getting corroded. 168 00:08:54,958 --> 00:08:58,085 Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath? 169 00:08:58,544 --> 00:09:03,048 I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath. Better let me ask him. 170 00:09:06,301 --> 00:09:09,511 -I smell a bit. -Put the radio on. 171 00:09:13,056 --> 00:09:16,600 ♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪ 172 00:09:16,684 --> 00:09:17,809 Frasier? 173 00:09:17,893 --> 00:09:19,853 ♪ Simply because you're near me ♪ 174 00:09:19,937 --> 00:09:21,104 NILES: Frasier, 175 00:09:21,188 --> 00:09:22,730 what do you put in your bath? 176 00:09:22,814 --> 00:09:25,482 You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles. 177 00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:28,401 No, no, no, it's your super. There's something corroding the pipes 178 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,696 in the unit below you. He thinks it may be something in your tub. 179 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:36,825 Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault, but if you insist, I use, um… 180 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:44,249 Jasmine, lavender, rose hips, and a little Tahitian vanilla. 181 00:09:45,207 --> 00:09:46,749 THE CHICKEN: Well, that sounds okay. 182 00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:50,043 Boy, with a bath like that, I bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh? 183 00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:54,966 Yes, well, love does enter through the nose. 184 00:09:55,757 --> 00:09:57,675 The neighbors down here have been complaining 185 00:09:57,759 --> 00:10:01,094 about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad tile. 186 00:10:01,178 --> 00:10:04,848 I sure would like to check. I heard you singing through the phone earlier. 187 00:10:04,932 --> 00:10:07,475 Do you think you could, I don't know, do it again? 188 00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:09,810 Uh, all right. Um… 189 00:10:09,894 --> 00:10:13,771 ♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪ 190 00:10:13,855 --> 00:10:16,815 ♪ Simply because you're near me ♪ 191 00:10:16,899 --> 00:10:19,484 Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some bleed-through. 192 00:10:19,568 --> 00:10:23,404 You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit 193 00:10:23,488 --> 00:10:27,032 while you sang, or maybe if you could stomp around, that'd be great. 194 00:10:27,116 --> 00:10:28,241 Stomp around? 195 00:10:28,325 --> 00:10:29,701 THE CHICKEN: If it's too much trouble, 196 00:10:29,785 --> 00:10:31,620 I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up. 197 00:10:31,704 --> 00:10:33,621 Lord, no, no, no, please. That's just fine. 198 00:10:33,705 --> 00:10:35,831 Leave Jimmy where he is. I don't need an audience 199 00:10:35,915 --> 00:10:38,583 -while I'm singing in the bathtub. -I appreciate this. 200 00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,960 We'll get this all cleared up in a jiffy. 201 00:10:41,044 --> 00:10:42,629 Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane. 202 00:10:42,713 --> 00:10:45,513 FRASIER: Give me a second, I'll tell you when I'm ready. 203 00:10:45,715 --> 00:10:49,342 All right, I'm ready. Here goes. 204 00:10:49,592 --> 00:10:54,596 ♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪ 205 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:58,642 ♪ Simply because you're near me ♪ 206 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:02,645 ♪ Funny but when you're near me ♪ 207 00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:06,439 ♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪ 208 00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:09,525 THE CHICKEN: Oh, my God, the whole ceiling's falling down. 209 00:11:09,609 --> 00:11:11,652 -Oh, good Lord. Oh, good Lord. -Ouch. Oh. 210 00:11:11,736 --> 00:11:14,136 Niles, be careful. The whole ceiling's caving in. 211 00:11:14,864 --> 00:11:17,531 THE CHICKEN: Hey, listen, I think we found out what the problem is. 212 00:11:17,615 --> 00:11:21,785 [NORMAL VOICE] It's that humongous ass of yours. 213 00:11:22,578 --> 00:11:25,288 Listeners, Carlos and the Chicken are offering $1000 214 00:11:25,372 --> 00:11:29,083 for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our website. 215 00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:33,462 SINGERS [ON RECORDING]: ♪ Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest ♪ 216 00:11:36,131 --> 00:11:40,509 ♪ Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest ♪ 217 00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:43,761 -Oh, dear God. -NILES: Now, now, 218 00:11:43,845 --> 00:11:47,264 don't worry, it won't get you down for long. You've always had a thick skin. 219 00:11:47,348 --> 00:11:49,891 Unless that Tahitian vanilla softens you up a bit. 220 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:51,560 Get out. 221 00:11:59,524 --> 00:12:01,859 -FRASIER: Leave me alone. -[CAMERAS CLICKING] 222 00:12:01,943 --> 00:12:03,643 For God's sake, have some respect. 223 00:12:07,573 --> 00:12:09,198 Was that Mrs. Kurtzman? 224 00:12:09,282 --> 00:12:11,117 She dropped her medication in the hallway. 225 00:12:11,201 --> 00:12:15,162 As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade. 226 00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:21,376 Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film. 227 00:12:26,838 --> 00:12:30,299 -You're really getting riled up. -I certainly am. 228 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:33,010 Come on. They're just pranks. Back on the force, 229 00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:35,303 we used to do stuff like this all the time. 230 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:39,098 We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor. 231 00:12:39,182 --> 00:12:43,477 Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk, leave him in a drawer in the morgue. 232 00:12:45,187 --> 00:12:46,729 [DOORBELL RINGS] 233 00:12:46,813 --> 00:12:49,440 You know, Dad, I might have been able to laugh it off 234 00:12:49,524 --> 00:12:52,776 if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras. 235 00:12:55,278 --> 00:12:57,154 Quickly, Niles, inside. Come on. 236 00:12:58,656 --> 00:13:01,241 Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting? 237 00:13:01,325 --> 00:13:05,620 That was you? Sorry, I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt. 238 00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:12,084 How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia. 239 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,878 I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken. 240 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,463 NILES: Oh, yes, their little contest. 241 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,505 I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously. 242 00:13:19,589 --> 00:13:23,800 Well, they won't be for much longer. I've decided it's time to fight back. 243 00:13:23,884 --> 00:13:25,469 I was up till all hours last night 244 00:13:25,553 --> 00:13:28,138 crafting my response to those two idiots. 245 00:13:28,222 --> 00:13:31,182 I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal. 246 00:13:31,266 --> 00:13:33,643 I'm not sure you wanna call it your rebuttal. 247 00:13:35,644 --> 00:13:39,271 Oh, I see your Bartlett's is out. You're not pulling any punches. 248 00:13:39,355 --> 00:13:41,940 Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochefoucauld. 249 00:13:42,024 --> 00:13:43,734 "If we had no faults of our own, 250 00:13:43,985 --> 00:13:47,446 we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others." 251 00:13:47,946 --> 00:13:49,281 Ouch. 252 00:13:52,116 --> 00:13:55,034 Just as I've got them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker. 253 00:13:55,118 --> 00:14:00,538 "Wit has truth in it, wisecracking is merely calisthenics with words." 254 00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,082 Pow! 255 00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:05,043 Just as they're bloodied and against the ropes, I go in for the kill 256 00:14:05,127 --> 00:14:08,170 with Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken. 257 00:14:08,254 --> 00:14:11,154 -It's not a fight, it's an execution. -FRASIER: Come on. 258 00:14:12,257 --> 00:14:15,134 You know, Frasier, if you go and read that on the air, 259 00:14:15,218 --> 00:14:17,803 you're gonna set yourself up for a year of abuse. 260 00:14:17,887 --> 00:14:21,139 This kind of thing is probably why those guys started picking on you. 261 00:14:21,223 --> 00:14:23,015 Fine, Dad. What exactly are you saying? 262 00:14:23,099 --> 00:14:25,726 I somehow managed to bring all this misery on myself? 263 00:14:25,810 --> 00:14:27,769 No, I'm not saying that. I'm just… 264 00:14:27,853 --> 00:14:29,396 Well, have you ever wondered 265 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,731 why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two? 266 00:14:32,815 --> 00:14:34,733 No, we don't wonder why. We know the reason. 267 00:14:34,817 --> 00:14:36,444 -Jealousy. -Jealousy. 268 00:14:37,694 --> 00:14:39,946 Okay, there's a little bit of that too, but you know, 269 00:14:40,030 --> 00:14:43,198 you kind of give people the impression that you're above them. 270 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:45,117 -Pish tosh. -Poppycock. 271 00:14:46,368 --> 00:14:48,702 -Morning, Daphne. -Oh, Daphne. Tell me, 272 00:14:48,786 --> 00:14:50,996 you think we're snobby, superior and condescending? 273 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,541 That's it. I'm getting me door soundproofed. 274 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,292 MARTIN: You see what I mean? 275 00:14:56,376 --> 00:14:58,586 People think you're stuffy. 276 00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:01,755 You know, with your opera parties and your wine parties 277 00:15:01,839 --> 00:15:03,674 and your seasoned crêpe pans. 278 00:15:03,758 --> 00:15:07,927 In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crêpe pans. 279 00:15:08,011 --> 00:15:11,054 Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, 280 00:15:11,138 --> 00:15:12,848 thank you very much. 281 00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:18,060 My point is you guys could never resist putting on airs. 282 00:15:18,144 --> 00:15:21,354 Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, 283 00:15:21,438 --> 00:15:24,274 The Avengers. You used to run all over the neighborhood 284 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:27,276 pretending you were that guy with the umbrella. Steve. 285 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,570 -Steed. -Dad. 286 00:15:29,654 --> 00:15:31,612 FRASIER: There were worse role models. 287 00:15:31,696 --> 00:15:34,782 Steed was dapper, witty. When anyone tried to give him grief, 288 00:15:34,866 --> 00:15:37,242 he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella. 289 00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:39,202 Great, that's fine, admire him if you want, 290 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:42,705 but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? 291 00:15:42,789 --> 00:15:45,082 I mean, you were just begging to get beat up. 292 00:15:45,166 --> 00:15:48,460 Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it? 293 00:15:48,544 --> 00:15:52,713 I remember getting a chinstrap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran. 294 00:15:55,132 --> 00:15:59,177 And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet. 295 00:16:00,762 --> 00:16:05,932 But, look, my point is you go down to the station and read that over the air, 296 00:16:06,016 --> 00:16:09,018 then you might as well go down there in a great big bowler hat. 297 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,353 And those people are never gonna let you forget it. 298 00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,605 It's funny hearing you talk about The Avengers. 299 00:16:13,689 --> 00:16:15,356 My first Halloween in America, 300 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,567 I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel, 301 00:16:17,651 --> 00:16:20,695 head-to-toe in that skin-tight black leather catsuit. 302 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,363 Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere. 303 00:16:23,447 --> 00:16:24,864 And Halloween's coming up. 304 00:16:24,948 --> 00:16:28,534 An old catsuit? Better not let this guy hear you talk about that, he'll go nuts. 305 00:16:28,618 --> 00:16:30,327 I would not. 306 00:16:35,707 --> 00:16:40,003 Be surprised if he did. Ho, ho, ho! 307 00:16:40,586 --> 00:16:41,669 [PHONE RINGS] 308 00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:43,088 FRASIER: Excuse me. 309 00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:47,508 Hello? All right, Roz, yes, just calm down. 310 00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:49,742 No, no, I'm not listening. Hang on a second. 311 00:16:50,386 --> 00:16:52,261 FRASIER [ON RADIO]: Roz. 312 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,097 Oh, dear God. 313 00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:58,099 CARLOS: I think we're gonna have to throw a bucket of water on these two. 314 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,477 THE CHICKEN: Roz and Frasier stop by for a quick hello. 315 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,895 Next thing you know, they're getting it on right in the booth. 316 00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:04,396 [MOANING ON RADIO] 317 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,482 -FRASIER [ON RECORDING]: Roz. -ROZ [ON RECORDING]: Frasier. 318 00:17:06,566 --> 00:17:08,483 -FRASIER: Roz. -ROZ: Frasier. 319 00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:11,320 FRASIER: We have time to squeeze in one more? 320 00:17:12,195 --> 00:17:15,656 ROZ: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes. 321 00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:19,075 You know, for a man carrying around a good 50 extra pounds of ass, 322 00:17:19,159 --> 00:17:21,160 Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina. 323 00:17:21,244 --> 00:17:22,870 Frasier, where do you get your energy? 324 00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:26,706 FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian vanilla. 325 00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:30,877 My God, they're changing positions. I've never seen that one before. 326 00:17:31,294 --> 00:17:34,755 FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose. 327 00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:38,091 [MOANING OVER RADIO] 328 00:17:38,175 --> 00:17:39,875 FRASIER: I'll call you back, Roz. 329 00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:42,761 -I'm going down there. -MARTIN: Frasier. 330 00:17:42,845 --> 00:17:45,888 I'm gonna teach those two a lesson they'll not soon forget. 331 00:17:45,972 --> 00:17:49,016 -Where's my umbrella? -Oh, no, not that again. 332 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,725 Not the umbrella. I'm begging you. 333 00:17:50,809 --> 00:17:51,935 It's raining. 334 00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:53,144 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] 335 00:17:53,228 --> 00:17:55,021 No, no. Stop it. 336 00:17:58,941 --> 00:18:01,901 -Roz, what are you doing here? -I'm getting revenge, that's what. 337 00:18:01,985 --> 00:18:04,571 -Roz, come here. Stop it. -These guys are going down. 338 00:18:04,655 --> 00:18:07,573 Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me? 339 00:18:07,657 --> 00:18:10,159 -Just the part about us having sex. -Exactly. 340 00:18:11,242 --> 00:18:14,328 Not only that, they've got a photo contest about me now too. 341 00:18:14,412 --> 00:18:17,247 A thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? Oh, I'm sorry. 342 00:18:17,331 --> 00:18:19,958 No, it's 50 bucks and a six-pack. 343 00:18:20,042 --> 00:18:22,876 And there were seven winners before I even left the house. 344 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,628 -Sorry. -Frasier, what should we do? 345 00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:26,046 We could slash their tires, 346 00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,214 -crack their windshields… -I was thinking of 347 00:18:28,298 --> 00:18:30,300 -a more direct approach. -I'm down with that. 348 00:18:30,384 --> 00:18:32,634 I'll get the Chicken, you take the big guy. 349 00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:34,595 -That's not it. -I knew you'd say that, 350 00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:37,347 -fine, I'll take the big guy. -No, no, Roz, stop it. 351 00:18:37,431 --> 00:18:40,975 Listen to yourself. You're lusting for blood like a barbarian. 352 00:18:41,518 --> 00:18:45,437 I have a more civilized approach in mind. I have composed a speech. 353 00:18:48,648 --> 00:18:50,441 -A speech? -Yes. 354 00:18:50,525 --> 00:18:53,152 Unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats, 355 00:18:53,236 --> 00:18:55,570 -what good is that gonna do? -You just watch and see. 356 00:18:55,654 --> 00:18:58,156 No, Frasier, they're never gonna stop making fun of you. 357 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,657 Roz, I don't care. I've just figured out something. 358 00:19:00,741 --> 00:19:02,951 Maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, 359 00:19:03,035 --> 00:19:05,703 but the only way they win is if they change who you are. 360 00:19:05,787 --> 00:19:07,413 Let them do their work, 361 00:19:07,497 --> 00:19:09,998 they will not knock the bowler off of this head. 362 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,169 What does that mean? 363 00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:17,504 Holy cow, look who just walked into the booth. 364 00:19:17,588 --> 00:19:20,298 Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot. 365 00:19:20,382 --> 00:19:21,924 What's up, Love Doctor? 366 00:19:22,008 --> 00:19:23,676 Oh, I think you two know what's up. 367 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,637 There's only so much I can take, only so much anyone can take 368 00:19:26,721 --> 00:19:28,889 from a juvenile comic and his straight man. 369 00:19:28,973 --> 00:19:31,515 I believe it was La Rochefoucauld who first said… 370 00:19:31,599 --> 00:19:35,019 I'll take my straight man over your sex-starved producer any day. 371 00:19:35,103 --> 00:19:38,229 -Okay, buddy. -Roz, Roz, Roz, let me handle this. 372 00:19:38,313 --> 00:19:40,857 Hey, wait a second. I'm not your straight man. 373 00:19:40,941 --> 00:19:43,817 -If anything, I'm the funny one. -Let's not start with this again. 374 00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:45,986 You're the one who just started it. On the air. 375 00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:47,779 It was La Rochefoucauld who first said… 376 00:19:47,863 --> 00:19:49,572 You know, you know, you always do this. 377 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:53,158 Hey, Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always." 378 00:19:53,242 --> 00:19:55,202 I wish you could say I'm as funny as you are. 379 00:19:55,286 --> 00:19:58,329 Well, I wish I could say that too, but who does all the funny voices? 380 00:19:58,413 --> 00:20:00,831 -La Rochefoucauld once said… -CARLOS: if I'm so unfunny, 381 00:20:00,915 --> 00:20:04,501 -how come I get offered solo gigs? -Oh, well, now I'm laughing. Ha-ha! 382 00:20:04,585 --> 00:20:06,169 Don't believe me, ask our agent. 383 00:20:06,253 --> 00:20:07,962 You talked to Zachary behind my back? 384 00:20:08,046 --> 00:20:10,047 -If I could get a word… -I'll tell you what, 385 00:20:10,131 --> 00:20:13,050 you think you can go out on your own, go ahead. Be my guest. 386 00:20:13,134 --> 00:20:16,844 Great. Because I don't need you and I don't need Carlos and the Chicken. 387 00:20:16,928 --> 00:20:20,764 -Really? Well, best of luck, funny boy. -Same to you, Duane. 388 00:20:20,848 --> 00:20:23,184 Hey, man, that is not cool. 389 00:20:23,976 --> 00:20:25,851 Chicken, I believe it was La Rochefoucauld, 390 00:20:25,935 --> 00:20:28,771 -the great French thinker… -Would you give it a rest, double wide? 391 00:20:28,855 --> 00:20:30,146 I went to grad school too. 392 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:33,441 And PS, it's pronounced "La Rochefoucauld." 393 00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:37,320 That's it. Nobody corrects my French pronunciation, you son of a bitch. 394 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:42,115 Chicken. Come on, did you have to be so vicious? 395 00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:44,033 -Me? -Oh, we got dead air. Just… 396 00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,034 -Right. Right. -Take over. 397 00:20:46,118 --> 00:20:48,787 Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. 398 00:20:48,871 --> 00:20:53,124 I'll be filling in for the last hour of the morning zoo 399 00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:57,252 with my own particular brand of zany antics. 400 00:20:59,087 --> 00:21:00,798 Well, let's see, um… 401 00:21:01,964 --> 00:21:07,677 You know, there was a fabulous cartoon in the recent New Yorker. 402 00:21:07,761 --> 00:21:10,222 Let me see if I can describe it for you. 403 00:21:12,932 --> 00:21:14,934 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 404 00:21:15,768 --> 00:21:18,409 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 405 00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:20,772 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 406 00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:22,315 Mercy. 407 00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:25,358 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 408 00:21:25,442 --> 00:21:27,652 ♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 409 00:21:27,736 --> 00:21:29,903 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 410 00:21:29,987 --> 00:21:31,655 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 411 00:21:31,739 --> 00:21:34,616 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 412 00:21:36,827 --> 00:21:38,036 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 413 00:21:39,578 --> 00:21:42,210 Scrambled eggs all over my face. 414 00:21:42,294 --> 00:21:44,124 What is a boy to do? 415 00:21:46,376 --> 00:21:47,418 Good night!