I can't believe how cold it is in here.
Niles, the climate control is on. It's perfectly comfortable.
Oh, really? Touch your tongue to the seat belt. I dare you.
Starting to regret I even asked you to this exhibit.
I wanted to invite Regan, but after the disaster I made of our first date,
I felt too ashamed to even ask.
Well, you can't avoid her forever. She's your neighbor.
Ask her again. What's the worst thing that could happen?
She could ask me to stop harassing her.
I'd have to spend the next six months riding the service elevator
with Guillermo and his three-legged cat.
How is little Wobbles?
Fine. I see what you're doing, Niles.
If you're so cold, there is a scarf in the glove compartment.
Oh, really? I thought that's where you kept the butter and the eggs.
Well, now it's burning up in here.
I've just gotta take this thing off.
-Are you insane? -No.
At least wait until we've stopped.
-You're gonna get us killed. -Take the wheel.
I'll take the wheel… Frasier, stop. Stop.
-No, it's almost off. -No, I mean brake. Brake.
-NILES: Are you all right? -FRASIER: Yes.
Thank heaven your fist softened the blow of the air bag.
Hurt your nose?
Yes.
That's what I figured. Right when you came in I said:
"That guy hurt his nose." So how did you, uh, you know…
Excuse me.
Yes, hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane here.
I was wondering, I filled out my paperwork about half an hour ago.
They'll call you. We're seeing people in order of importance.
Oh, really? Well, you know, I do have my own radio show.
The importance of the injury.
Yes, of course.
Do you know, are there any plastic surgeons on call?
Niles, that's not necessary.
Can't be too careful. Could be broken.
Don't worry. The best plastic surgeons have their offices here.
Dr. Rabb, Dr. Karnofsky and Dr. Burke.
Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky?
That's right.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Surgical resident on one.
-Maris' plastic surgeon. -Oh.
Would you believe that charlatan is still picking my pocket
a year after my divorce?
-Good Lord, for what? -Oh, for Maris' Botox injections.
You know, they use those botulinum toxins
in the forehead, it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles.
I gave it as a gift for our anniversary.
Oh, yes, probably your 10th. That's toxins, isn't it?
Anyway, Karnofsky keeps billing me for her follow-up injections.
-FRASIER: Good Lord. -So you're divorced, huh?
-Yes. -Me too. I'm Phil.
-Hello. -Fourteen years together.
Came home on day and…
I probably shouldn't even talk about it.
Okay.
You know, Niles, seeing as how we're here,
why don't you find Karnofsky and straighten the thing out?
-No, no, I can't leave you here injured. -Oh, it's all right, Niles. I'll be fine.
Well, if you're sure, I may just pay Dr. Karnofsky a visit.
It is outrageous what these scalpel jockeys get away with.
Convincing women to spend fortunes on their exterior
when what they need is to take a good look at the woman inside.
Right. She did have one chemical peel
where you could see her kidneys for a while.
-FRASIER: Off you go. Good luck, Niles. -Thank you.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Lab call extension 2768.
Lab call extension 2768.
Not a pretty woman, my wife, but when she danced,
you couldn't keep your eyes off her.
You know, actually, I'm feeling a lot better. Goodbye.
Frasier Crane? Frasier Crane, we're ready to see you.
That's me.
Ah. Dr. Karnofsky. I see you finally decided to make time for me.
Sorry, I'm from Records. I was told to bring over Maris Crane's files.
That's this year.
-Dr. Crane? -NILES: Yes.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Melinda Karnofsky.
Oh, uh, yes, of course. Niles Crane.
About this billing issue… Ahem.
Oh, my God, this box is filthy.
The problem is I have received three invoices over the past six months.
Yes, I'm so sorry about that. And I… I'm so sorry about all this dust.
Do you mind? I'll have to turn on my HEPA filter.
Oh. You have a HEPA… [GASPS] You have a Svensen.
Yes. They're great, aren't they?
Not to mention impossible to get in this country. I've tried.
Well, I once did a favor for Mrs. Svensen. Oh, it's a long story.
-I'm all ears. -So was she.
Anyway, I've spoken to the Accounting Department about your bill,
and it was clearly our mistake.
Please accept my apology. We'll take care of it.
Oh. I appreciate that.
-Oh. -Ooh. I like that print very much.
MEL: Ugh. Hm?
-Everything all right? -I'm sorry.
I just noticed a smudge on my jacket.
Oh, well, it's barely noticeable.
You're being kind. I got that print at the last museum show.
Oh! I thought you looked familiar. Uh, perhaps I've seen you there.
Perhaps. I go to all of the openings. I'm on the museum board.
Really?
Well, congratulations. All the exhibits this year have been
perfection.
Thank you.
I, uh…
I particularly like the Picasso. I'm a big fan of his Cubist period.
-Oh, striking, isn't she? -Yeah.
Yes, I'd like to think if she'd come in here,
I could actually have helped her.
You must think I'm terribly fussy.
Yes.
Well, anyway, it was very nice meeting you.
Oh, likewise.
WOMAN [OVER INTERCOM]: Dr. Karnofsky,
Mrs. Magrashak has a question for you in room three.
Helen Magrashak?
-Oh, I really can't say. -Right.
-She's finally having it removed? -Why did she wait?
I don't know.
Found '98.
Uh, actually, that's all been settled.
Can you tell me, do you know, is that her husband?
No, she's divorced. That's her son.
Really?
Dr. Karnofsky's so young. She must have had him when she was a child.
Okay.
Oh. Oh, is there something else?
Uh, no.
No.
-Well… -MEL: Yes?
Mel, uh, I was wondering, uh… Ooh.
-MEL: Oh. -Uh…
-I, uh… This is a little awkward… -Yes, I…
Thank you. I, uh, am not really sure how to ask.
-I think I know what it is. -Uh-huh.
And you've got no reason to be nervous.
-Oh, really? -Yes. Just a few quick injections
and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead, they'll disappear.
Well, that is what you were going to ask, isn't it?
-Yes. -Well, it's a very simple procedure,
although your forehead will be numb for a while. I can fit you in at 4:30.
Oh, good. That gives me time to do something I need to do.
MEL: Excellent.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-DAPHNE: Hello, Dr. Crane. -NILES: Hello, Daphne.
I was on my way home, thought I'd see the patient.
Oh, I'm fine. Thank you, Niles.
You have no idea how guilty I'm feeling.
I suppose he told you it was my fist that struck the inadvertent,
yet powerful blow.
So how did things go with the nefarious Dr. Karnofsky?
-You give him a piece of your mind? -Actually, he turned out to be a she.
-And quite a reasonable she, at that. -Really?
That's quite a turnabout.
-Yes, well… -Dr. Crane, don't move.
-Why? -There's a mosquito.
-Where? -On your forehead.
Oh. Get off. Get off. Get off.
-It's already gone. -Oh.
Oh, dear. It looks like it bit you.
Oh, right. Ow.
Niles, wrinkle your forehead for me, will you?
Why would I do that?
Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead.
-I'm not your marionette. -You got a Botox injection.
You've got a forehead full of poison, don't you?
I do not.
Whoa, that's strange. The mosquito fell right out of the air, dead.
What's a Botox injection?
Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial wrinkles.
Oh, great. My kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.
I can't believe you let Maris' witch doctor work her magic on you.
Mel is a perfectly lovely person.
In fact, I was screwing up my courage to ask her out on a date
when she noticed this little flaw and I lost my nerve.
Yes, and most of the feeling in your face as well.
Dr. Crane, look. Your picture's on the news.
FRASIER: Turn it up, Dad. Turn it up.
ANCHORWOMAN [ON TV]: After checking into the hospital
with what appeared to be minor injuries from a fender-bender,
radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane died suddenly today.
I'm sure I speak for all of us here at KYOL
when I say he will be sorely missed.
But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flip?
Dear God.
-What the hell? -That's unbelievable.
Outrageous.
As it turns out, after I left the hospital,
some poor devil used my name to jump the line
and he dropped dead of a heart attack.
Oh…
I must say, it does feel a bit strange having plunged all of Seattle,
albeit temporarily, into so much grief.
I know I'll never forget where I was when I heard you had died.
I was out on the street,
and there was this crowd watching a television
through a department-store window.
Before I knew it, we were weeping and hugging each other.
That's very amusing, Roz.
And then it began to rain
and I had this feeling that all the angels were crying.
Yes, all right, Roz.
Hey, Roz. Fras, did you see this?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
-It's my obituary. -They printed it?
They must have picked it off the wire before the news ran that correction.
MARTIN: Jimmy gave it to me at McGinty's.
Boy, everybody was no nice to me, buying me beers and everything.
Because of the shock I went through, thinking I'd lost my son.
What are you talking about? You never thought I was dead.
Well, people don't have to know that.
I mean, I could have been at home, alone,
wondering where you were,
and I get this strange, uneasy feeling.
So I turn on the TV, and there it is
on the screen: the face of my dead son.
I was sitting right beside you.
-What kind of story is that? -The truth.
Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster.
Wow, that's something for your scrapbook, huh? Your own obituary.
Yes, well. You know, frankly, it's…
It's a little upsetting.
I don't think they meant to be insulting. You are lovably pompous.
Yeah, well. No, it's…
It's not that. It's just seeing my life in black and white.
It just all looks a little incomplete.
-What do you mean? -I was gonna do so much with my life.
I was gonna write a novel.
Run for public office. I was gonna do my own translation of Freud.
Well, what's stopping you? You're not actually dead.
Yes, you're right, Roz.
-I'm not dead, am I? -No.
Maybe that's a good way of looking at this, actually. More of a wake-up call.
Dr. Crane. I was so relieved to hear that you were all right.
-Oh, thank you. -I heard the news,
and I thought, "What a shame.
-Why, he is such a young man." -That's so nice of you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. God, you know, you're right.
What am I doing frittering away my day here in this coffee house?
You know what? I've got things to do. I've got fresh worlds to conquer.
I'm gonna go out there and grab life by the scruff.
Look out, destiny, here I come.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Oh, well, it's really coming down out there. It's…
What happened to your clothes? Did you spill something on you?
Oh, no, no, I'm going jogging later.
No need to be sarcastic. Just give me the clothes and I'll do another load.
No, I'm serious, Daphne.
I plan to go running just after I finish my obituary.
You see, it's a self-actualizing exercise.
You see, you write your obituary
the way you'd like it to appear years from now,
of course, and then it helps you to focus your goals.
You see? Here they are, all my hopes and dreams.
These are dreams, all right.
"Dr. Crane came late to athletics.
"He became a fixture in the Seattle Marathon,"
"the America's Cup yacht race,"
as well as the Kentucky Derby."
A jockey, at your size? You better start writing an obituary for the horse.
Very amusing, Daphne. I meant as a stable owner.
Hey, Fras. What'd you do, spill something on your clothes?
No, no, I'm going jogging later.
Well, there's no need to get sarcastic about it.
I'm serious, Dad. I'll have to start somewhere if I plan to run a marathon.
Oh! We got a new basket? Hickory Farms.
Yes, that one came this afternoon.
We agreed we were gonna send back all the condolence baskets intact.
Yeah, I know, I know, but, you know,
if a can of pecans falls out here and there, who's gonna notice?
Oh, by the way, guess who I ran into?
That friend of yours from next door, Regan.
-Really? -MARTIN: Yeah.
She was pretty relieved to hear you weren't dead.
I don't know, maybe there's still something there.
I don't know, Dad. I'd like to believe that, but I'm just too much of a realist.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Tell that to the two million people a year who visit Frasier land.
[DAPHNE LAUGHING]
FRASIER: It's a website.
It teaches children about psychiatry.
-MARTIN: Oh, hi. -Hey, Dad.
I can't stay. I just realized, I think I left my cell phone here last night.
Oh, yeah, I did see it somewhere. Let's have a look.
Oh. Why are you wearing running clothes?
He won't tell us.
DAPHNE: Oh, here it is.
It was buried back here underneath all these baskets.
Oh, Daph, look what you did.
Rooting around in there,
you poked a hole right through this Hickory Farms basket.
You can't send it back now.
Thank you, Daphne.
-FRASIER: Niles? -Yes.
Is that bandage sticking out of your shirt?
-Oh, where? -Well, right there.
Oh, yes, I cut myself shaving.
What? On the back of your neck?
You went to see Karnofsky again, didn't you?
Yes, I did. I was going to ask her out again,
but I got all flustered when I caught her staring at this grotesque carbuncle.
Carbuncle? You mean that minuscule mole of yours?
To you. I've always been self-conscious about it.
I've made many a hasty wine selection
because I felt the sommelier staring down at it.
Oh, Niles, please. Why don't you just knock this off?
Isn't it time you ask the woman out?
Frasier, I'm just waiting until the moment's right.
Like you did with Daphne?
Oh, Niles, I am sorry. It's just that
I'd like to see you do this while I can still pick you out of a crowd.
I've got tickets for the opera tonight. Why don't you ask her to join you?
-Oh, I don't know. -FRASIER: Oh, come on.
Take a cue from me. I am completely reinventing myself.
You know what, if I can learn a new language and climb mountains
and write a bestseller, then surely you can ask this woman out.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a marathon to train for. Oh!
MARTIN: Are you all right, Fras?
FRASIER: I'm fine.
MARTIN: What happened?
I think he tripped on one of these baskets.
-MARTIN: Did you break anything? -FRASIER: I don't think so.
Because if you broke it, there's no point in sending this one back either.
Oh, dear God.
-Hey, look at you. -Oh…
Oh, they gave you a sweet one.
All shiny, no scuffs. It still has that new-cane smell.
[MARTIN LAUGHING]
If you play your cards right, I might let you take it for a spin around the lobby.
-So, what'd they say? -Oh, just a little sprain.
It's gonna take a couple of weeks.
You know, I guess I'm gonna have to rethink my life's plan a bit.
Oh, you're gonna be doing all this stuff?
Well, of course, Dad. Why wouldn't I?
Oh, I don't know. It just seems all so complicated,
and the first one you tried was kind of a bust.
Yes. All right, well, you know what? I've just got to, uh,
scale things back a little bit.
Set my sights on more attainable goals.
Oh, for instance, here.
"Visit South America." That's in.
"Discover the lost treasure of the Incas."
That's out.
"Take up rafting." That's in.
"Retrace Lewis and Clark's route."
That's out.
And this perpetual motion stuff, all this can go.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Daphne? -No, she's out for the whole evening.
-You're gonna have to get it yourself. -Oh, all right.
MARTIN: Come on, let's see how that thing handles the corners.
Come on, open her up.
Frasier, I'd like you to meet Dr. Mel Karnofsky.
-I can't tell you what pleasure this is. -Hello.
NILES: You have some opera tickets for us.
FRASIER: Yes, I do.
Oh, Mel, this is my father, Martin.
-Oh, hello. -Hi, how are you?
-FRASIER: Here we are. -Oh, thank you.
We're very grateful for this. Niles and I happen to be huge fans of Puccini.
Oh, speaking of which, here's our own little "pooch-ini."
Oh, well, you're a darling.
Yes. Oh, he's wonderful.
So where are you two having dinner?
Bel Canto. We have a table on the terrace.
The terrace? I didn't know they had a terrace.
Really? I guess you have to know the owner. But we better be going.
I pre-ordered our chocolate soufflés
and they'll be ready at 7:30 precisely.
FRASIER: Well, off you go then.
Just remember, Niles,
nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.
Oh, well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING]
That was very funny. It was lovely meeting you.
-Well, she seems a bit much. -What do you mean?
Well, you know, picking the restaurant, dining on the terrace.
"You have to know the owner." Doesn't she remind you of someone?
Yeah, you.
I was talking about Maris.
Oh, come on. Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
I mean, Niles sure seems happy.
Oh, I guess you're right, Dad.
Besides, I've got a lot to accomplish this evening.
I'm going to start on my Russian language tapes.
[MARTIN CHUCKLES]
-What? What is it, Dad? -What? Nothing?
What? Don't you think I can do any of these?
No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier.
You always have.
-Thank you, Dad. -I just wonder about all these projects.
Well, as I said, I am streamlining.
I think what you discovered this week
was that something's missing from your life.
And before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink,
I think you ought to just ask yourself:
"What do I really want?
"What is really gonna make me happy"
now?"
Well, that's weird.
I suddenly feel like having a beer.
Regan, it's me, Frasier.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOG]