[THEME SONG PLAYING]
NARRATOR: Previously on Frasier:
There is no reason this can't be connected to some submerged anxiety.
What's bothering you?
The only women in my life are friends. Roz and Daphne.
Daphne's not even here anymore. She'll be married soon.
It's been nice having her here.
I really do love Daphne.
It's about Dr. Crane. I overheard him say he's in love with me.
-Jeez, not this. -You knew about this?
Look, I kept my mouth shut for six years. I'm not saying anything now.
Of course I love you, Daphne. But as a friend, that's all.
When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me,"
he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
He meant Niles. He's crazy about you.
Oh, good Lord, Dad, you've been tinkering with that thing for hours.
Don't you think maybe Dancing Santa could sit this Christmas out?
Oh, I gotta get him ready for your big party tomorrow night.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, no need, Dad. There'll be plenty of things to delight my guests.
We'll be caroling and playing games.
Oh, and I'll be reading A Child's Christmas in Wales
-to bring the evening to a close. -Well, that should do it.
-Hey, Frasier. -Oh, hello, Roz.
-Hey, Martin. I can't stay. -MARTIN: Hi, Roz.
I stopped by to drop off your punch bowl.
Well, thank you, Roz. Say, what kind of punch did you serve?
Well, first I filled it with ice.
Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Well, Roz, that's just a giant screwdriver.
Yeah.
So, what am I, Martha Stewart?
Fine. Thanks, anyway. I'm gonna be needing this bowl tomorrow evening.
There's gonna be a crowd of guests.
I've invited the entire building, including Cam Winston.
In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to end our feud.
What are you feuding about?
Well, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer.
Yes, well, that car is grotesquely oversized.
I've often been forced to exit from the passenger side.
Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gearshift.
-Why doesn't he just back in? -Are you kidding?
He can barely hit that space even when the guy's car isn't there.
-Hi, Roz. -ROZ: Hey, Daphne.
-Bye, guys. -FRASIER: Goodbye, Roz.
-You leaving? -ROZ: Yeah.
Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
What is it?
The other day,
I found out something about Dr. Crane I wasn't supposed to know.
-Frasier? -No, his brother.
Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years.
[GASPS]
-Thank God. -What do you mean, "Thank God"?
I've been afraid I'd be the one to blow the secret.
You mean you knew?
-Well, everybody kind of did. -What? And nobody said anything?
Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it.
Who spilled the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it?
-Yeah, he doesn't know he told me. -He doesn't?
No, he was on those painkillers for his back, and…
Well, I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane. He's so close to Dr. Crane.
If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane,
and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
Yeah. Why confuse things?
The whole thing's just a bit awkward.
I don't see why.
Niles has a girlfriend now, so obviously he's gotten over you,
and you're engaged to Donny.
I suppose when you look at it like that, there's no reason to feel awkward.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Well, there's a Christmas tableau: naughty and nice.
-Hello, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne.
I'd see you inside, but I just have to…
Take out the garbage.
It's in my pockets.
Morning, everyone.
-Hey, Niles. -Hello.
Frasier, I brought those caroling books you asked for.
Thank you so much. Oh, yes, here we are.
Preferred Songs from a Victorian Christmas
and Elizabethan Tidings of Joy. Now we're ready to party.
So, Niles, what do you think? Should we start with the caroling
or should we hold off until we've played a spirited game of The Minister's Cat?
Start with the game, then the caroling,
then the guests will be ready for another game.
Yeah, Russian Roulette.
Yes, well, I'm off.
Oh, Niles, if you're not busy this evening,
perhaps you could help me string popcorn garlands.
Unfortunately, I have to see Maris tonight.
Maris? What the hell do you have to see her for?
Sadly, to pay my condolences.
It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris' hedge maze.
-The paramedics never had a chance. -No.
Well, I feel bad about Yoshi,
but you sure it's a good idea spending the evening with Maris?
Well, she's terribly upset. Maris and Yoshi were very close.
In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her
and wept without shame when it developed root rot.
Well, the problem is I have to cancel on Mel tonight.
FRASIER: Oh, really? Well, Niles, if you want my advice,
-I wouldn't mention Maris to Mel. -What?
The last thing a girlfriend wants to hear is that you're consoling your ex-wife.
Well, I hate to lie to Mel, although I do see your point, Frasier.
Hey. There he goes.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
-Dad, Santa's back. -Yeah, it's the darnedest thing.
Every year when I take him out, something's wrong with him.
-But I always manage to fix him again. -NILES: Well, good for you, Dad.
-I told you to dunk it underwater. -I did.
-[MUSIC PLAYING] -[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
-KENNY: Hey, Doc. Merry Christmas. -Oh, hi, Kenny.
My, the station has certainly outdone itself this year with the
Christmas-in-Mexico theme.
It was my idea. It hit me when I realized their salsas are red and green.
Ah. Well,
that's why you're the boss.
Hey, Frasier, what time's your party tonight?
Shh! Keep your voice down. You're the only one here I've invited.
-The only one? -Yes.
There'll be scads of people. I invited everyone in my building.
-Seven o'clock. -Okay.
-Oh, Gil. Merry Christmas. -And to you, Frasier.
-Oh, thank you. -I hope you saved room for dessert.
-Have you been baking? -I have.
-Gingerbread men. -Oh, my, don't they look… muscular.
Yes. Well, the wife and I made a New Year's resolution.
Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up.
-We made these to inspire us. -Ah, yes.
Nothing strengthens a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry.
Precisely. Problem is they're so delicious I've already had three.
This is my last little man, I promise.
Mm. Oh, Gil, who are you kidding?
No one, Gil.
Frasier.
-Mel. -Hello.
Well, gosh, I never expected to see you here.
Oh, well, I was one of the doctors on Health Chat
during Cosmetic Surgery Week. I did a segment on breast augmentation.
How uplifting. Ha-ha-ha!
Yes. Well, Niles is hanging up our coats.
Did you two have a good dinner last night?
Oh, no, no, actually, we didn't have dinner last night.
I was busy planning my party, but please,
don't mention that to any of my colleagues. They're not invited.
Mel?
Frasier, glad I saw you. About last night, if Mel should ask…
Oh, dear.
-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.
-And you… -I'm afraid so.
Damn you. You're the one that told me to lie to her and now you've failed
-to back me up. -I'm a little preoccupied.
I'm having a party tonight for 200 people.
Well, I won't lie to you, Doc.
This hurts.
I'm terribly sorry. Mel, darling, please come here, darling, sweetheart.
-Niles. Niles. -I know you're upset, but listen…
Please, we're at a party.
All right, you're right. We'll talk about it later.
No, no, no, we'll talk about it now. Just put on your party face.
Don't embarrass me.
As if I could be further embarrassed after you lied to me.
-I can explain. -No, no, no, you don't need to.
When a man lies about where he's been, it's not hard to guess the reason.
So, what's the little whore's name?
No, no, no, darling, the reason I told you
that I was dining with Frasier was, actually, I was out…
Yes?
Getting your Christmas present.
My present?
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. I should've known.
I'm so glad you're forgiving me.
Or is that your party face?
Oh, no, no, no, of course not, darling.
So why don't you hang my coat back up?
-Okay. -And I'll get us something to drink.
Of course.
Oh, Mel, this is awkward.
Oh, no, no, no, Frasier. Niles explained everything,
and while I don't like being lied to, I do appreciate why he did it.
-FRASIER: Oh, I'm so glad. -Ooh, hello.
Hello. Chatting, are we?
Actually, I was just apologizing for my part in your little misunderstanding.
Then you were discussing the present.
Oh, yes, yes, the present. And the future. Maris is all in the past.
-Maris? -Oh, dear.
You were with Maris last night.
-Well… -How dare you?
Anything else in the box, Pandora?
-Mel, please. -Oh, no, don't touch me. No.
-Party face, party face. -Oh, no, forget the party face.
You're obviously still in love with her,
and I'm not about to share you, so goodbye.
-FRASIER: Niles, Niles, I'm so sorry. -Oh, Frasier, don't pretend to be sorry.
All you care about is your party that you're hosting tonight.
Well, I…
[PIANO PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS"]
Okay, honey, get ready.
[DONNY LAUGHING]
Don't be nervous.
Okay, bring it on home, Daphne.
Yes! Daphne Moon, everybody.
-FRASIER: Brava! -Okay, we're taking requests.
How about a little "Silent Night"?
-FRASIER: Oh, stop that. -What?
Those are for the party.
In case you haven't noticed, I am the party.
Yeah, Frasier, didn't the invitation say 7:00?
-I hope people knew it was for tonight. -They'll be here.
They're probably just fashionably late. People do love to make an entrance.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Aha! Daphne, open the floodgates.
NILES: Hello.
Evening, Dr. Crane. Isn't Mel with you?
No, she won't be coming. We broke up.
-What? -NILES: Yeah, this afternoon.
-Oh, goodness, I'm so sorry. -Did you try to call her, Niles?
Oh, I left a dozen messages.
Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry. How long were you guys together?
Oh, not that long. Still, I was optimistic.
Well, did you talk about moving in together? Made any long-term plans?
This is really bringing out the lawyer in you, isn't it?
The bartender. I was just wondering how big a drink to make you.
Ah. Big. Scotch.
All right, come on, don't worry, Niles. We'll fix you up with somebody.
Thanks. I don't think this is the time for me to be meeting someone new.
Someone old, then, you know. An old flame. An ex-girlfriend.
Someone who got away, huh?
There must have been somebody you had your eye on before Mel.
Donny, please. Can't you see you're making him uncomfortable?
What? I was just trying to help. Honey?
See, Niles, it's not us, it's the holidays. It makes women crazy.
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Ha, ha! Hello, everyone, come in. Come in.
Oh, yes, that's very nice there. Ladies first.
All right, now, no crowding, no pushing.
-Where are they going? -I've got bad news for you.
That feud you were having with the guy upstairs? It isn't over.
-He's having his own party. -Damn him!
He's siphoning off my guests. You know, you won't believe this.
That dreadful Cam Winston is having a competing party.
That's what that was. Saw a big sign in the lobby, "Winston Party 2000."
Yes. That's his apartment number. Well, two can play at that game.
-Donny? -DONNY: Yeah?
Do me a favor, will you? Make me one of those signs.
See what you can fashion out of these crude implements.
-DONNY: Okay, I'll try. -MARTIN: I don't know
-if that's a good idea. -Why?
Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future.
"Crane Party 1901," you know,
sounds like, well, this.
I wouldn't worry about it, Frasier.
You always throw a good party. This place'll be hopping in no time.
FRASIER: Thanks, Roz.
Hey, Connie? It's a morgue here.
Is the party at the station still happening?
Great. I'll be there as soon as I can.
-Oh, hey, Daphne. -You're not gonna believe this.
-Dr. Crane broke up with Mel. -Oh, yeah, I know. I heard.
Is there anything you don't know before I do?
I overheard them at the office Christmas party.
-Really? What happened? -Well, okay, don't freak out.
Mel accused Niles of still being in love with someone else.
-Oh, my God, that's me. I'm someone. -I said not to freak out.
But what if he says something to me?
-Just let him down gently. -Oh, it never works out that easily.
You know what happens when you say no to a guy.
Yeah, sure.
It just gets messy after that.
You say you'll be friends, but you never are. It ruins everything.
He's not gonna say anything tonight.
As long as Donny's here, you're totally safe.
FRASIER: Let's find a prominent place to put this.
Preferably, right on top of Winston's sign.
Oh, go easy there, Niles.
Oh, haven't you given me enough advice for one day?
[BELL DINGS]
My canapés.
You know, Niles, you look like you need cheering up.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Sorry.
-Oh, Daphne's present. -Did it break?
[GLASS CLINKING]
Well, we won't know till she opens it.
I'm sorry. But, hey, look, you don't need this one for Mel, do you?
-Well, I guess not. -Well, okay. Well, here.
Switch that in there, put this right here. Problem solved.
FRASIER: All right, you two, I don't want everyone
congregating in the kitchen. Now, go out and mingle.
Niles, Martin. I didn't see you come in.
Roz. Daphne. Well, I didn't wanna give these out in front of all the guests,
but since there aren't any, here we go.
-Roz, this is for you. Daphne, here. -ROZ: Niles.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas. Thank you, Dr. Crane.
-Thank you. -Oh, excuse me.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
-Oh, no, it's jewelry. -Oh, no, it's a book.
My God, there must be a hundred people up there.
Well, I'll just show you what you're missing.
Savory lamb tenders.
Pesto-filled mushroom caps.
Smell them and weep.
Come on, come on, Frasier, maybe we ought to walk you back inside.
-Oh, Dad. -All right. There you go.
Yes. Yes, darling, that's wonderful. I'll see you soon.
-That was Mel. -And?
I managed to explain about Yoshi. She's on her way over.
-Oh, thank God. -I know.
Another guest.
It's also wonderful for you, Niles. Congratulations.
Well, there is one minor detail to be ironed out.
I also got a message from Maris. She wants to see me again.
I think she may have mistaken last night's sympathy for affection.
Oh, my. Well, Niles, if you want my advice…
You know, you really need to stop saying that.
You've got to make your feelings clear to her, the sooner the better.
There's little point in letting it drag on.
You're right. I'll speak to her tonight.
At the moment, I just wanna patch things up with Mel.
Those antique earrings you bought her should go a long way toward that.
-I gave them to Daphne. -You did what?
Daphne's gift broke and I didn't think Mel was coming.
-Dad suggested I switch the gift cards. -Oh, Dad and his meddling.
Well, if you want my advice…
You know where to find me.
-DAPHNE: Roz. -What?
-You can't go. -Why not?
Daphne? I'm sorry to interrupt. I need to speak with you.
It's a private matter.
Would you join me on the balcony for a moment?
-All right. -Thank you.
Whoa. He's gonna tell you.
Oh, no, not tonight. Not while Donny's here. Oh, Roz.
Okay, so I was wrong.
Boy, this is rough. What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I guess I won't give him the chance.
I'll speak first. I'll just be direct.
I'll tell him I know how he feels about me,
but I don't feel that way about him.
I love Donny, and nothing's gonna happen between us.
Good luck.
-Hi. -Daphne.
I wish there were an easier way to say this. I…
Wait, I have something that I'd like to say first.
Dr. Crane, I have to tell you that…
Oh, Daphne, I am so sorry. What am I thinking? Here.
-Well, thank you. -You're welcome.
Anyway, Dr. Crane,
I know that…
Yes?
I'm sorry, I…
-Look, why don't I start? -No, Dr. Crane.
No, no, I really need to say this. I can't wait any longer. Daphne?
Yes?
-This is so difficult for me. -Yes.
I need my Christmas present back.
You what?
People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze.
Am I really so insufferable?
I could call the station and see if people wanna come over.
Oh, yes, Roz, let's call in the second-string guests.
Let's fill my home with a bunch of angry, snubbed co-workers.
Do you think they'd come?
-DONNY: Oh, hi, Merry Christmas. -FRASIER: Oh, you see?
Fashionably late. Hello, everyone. Come in. Merry Christmas.
Help yourself to some drinks.
Okay, how'd you get these people down here?
I just called an old buddy in the fire department,
told him that many people in one place had to be a code violation.
Aren't there gonna be the same number of people down here?
All right, everyone, we'll start by singing some carols,
and then we'll choose up teams for The Minister's Cat.
I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
I feel terrible about this, and of course I'll replace the gift.
Oh, that's all right. Well, I won't be needing this anymore.
Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, you never finished what you were going to say.
Oh, well,
it was about the gift.
Well, I could see from the box you got me jewelry from Beadie and Sons,
and I didn't get you anything nearly as grand.
Well, doesn't matter now.
-Oh, Mel. She's here. -Yes. Excuse me.
I'm so glad you came.
Merry Christmas.
-So how'd it go? Did you tell him? -I never got the chance.
He went first. Turns out he'd just given me the wrong gift and wanted it back.
You're kidding. You must be so relieved.
Oh, I'll say. I've never been so relieved in my life.
FRASIER: All right, everyone, we'll start with an easy one.
[PIANO PLAYING]
ALL: ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la, la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Happy holidays, everybody!