ROZ: Frasier, I knew when you bought me lunch,
there was going to be a catch.
- How long is this gonna take? - Well, it shouldn't take too long, Roz.
I can't believe I'm actually scouring a science-fiction convention
for X- Men comics.
I feel I'm contributing to the decline of my son's intellect.
Then why are you doing it?
Well, because I said no to the eyebrow ring.
Oh, excuse me, good sir.
Could you direct me, please, to Cubby's World of Comics?
- Yeah, it's right over there. - Oh.
Thank you. Thank you very much. You're a fierce but helpful people.
Oh, stop.
- Good Lord. That's Jackson Hedley. - Who?
FRASIER: Jackson Hedley, the famous Shakespearean actor.
He came to my school when I was a teen,
did a show of soliloquies, began my love affair with the Bard.
Excuse me, Roz, I think I'll just go pay my respects to Mr. Hedley.
Excuse me. Um, what's Jackson Hedley doing here?
Signing autographs and being awesome.
They've got the whole cast of Space Patrol coming this weekend.
Jackson Hedley was on a television show?
What, are you kidding? He's Tobor, the ship's android.
Where you been, man?
I don't know.
Reading, attending the theatre, getting haircuts.
Hi, Roz.
Hi, Noel.
So you're a closet Trekker.
I always had a feeling we were more than mere coworkers.
This explains the heat between us.
I feel heat, all right. Because I'm in hell.
- There you are, Dwayne. - Thanks, Tobor.
FRASIER: Hello, Mr. Hedley.
May I say it's an honour to see you again.
Thank you. So, what would you like to be autographed today?
Actually, I already have your autograph.
I got it after seeing your performance of Hamlet.
Oh, my.
- That was a long time ago. - But not forgotten.
May I say, on behalf of my brother and myself,
thank you for opening our young eyes to the wonders of Shakespeare.
You are more than welcome.
Tell me, do you get to do much theatre anymore?
Oh, no, I'm afraid those days are over.
The show became so popular,
I can't get cast as anything but an android, a cyborg,
or when I get a chance to really spread my wings, a mutant.
Well, what a shame. For you and the theatre.
Oh, you are very kind.
Well, my fans await. It was lovely meeting you, Mr...
Frasier Crane.
Thank you, Mr. Hedley.
It just breaks my heart to see that man reduced to this.
So demeaning.
Well, so he's not doing Shakespeare,
but look, he's got tons of fans that worship him.
What's so demeaning about that?
Hey, Tobor, would you do my kid's birthday party?
Here's my card.
Travel time is extra and I eat by myself.
- Hey, look who I found at the airport. - Oh.
Welcome home, Dad. So how was Florida?
Oh, it was a whirlwind.
Duke and I hit the dog track,
and then we met the Michael Jordan of jai alai players at the Red Lobster.
But the place I went back to most of all was Captain Pete's Gator Farm.
Ah, ah. Did you go see the Hemingway home?
Well, you know, Fras, you can't squeeze everything in.
But I tell you, these gators are amazing.
You're out in the glades in this fan boat,
and it's just you and Captain Pete and a cooler full of raw chickens.
To think I wasted my last vacation in Vienna.
Then he dangles a chicken at the end of a stick and before you know it,
a 15-foot monster comes rushing out of the water.
And he's yelling:
"Hurry up and take the picture. This son of a bitch is heavy!"
That's delightful, Dad.
- Where's Daphne? - My honey bunny has the flu.
Aww, that's too bad.
Probably got it standing in front of an open refrigerator.
Nice to have you back, Dad.
- Frasier. - Oh, thank you, Niles.
- You will never guess what I found. - Hm?
This is the autograph Jackson Hedley gave me in junior high school.
Oh, Niles.
"Dear Coach Pellit, please excuse Niles from gym for obvious reasons."
- The other side. - I figured.
"To Niles, my kingdom for more fans like you.
Jackson Hedley." Gosh.
That's lovely.
Of course, I'm still envious that you got to see him again.
You wouldn't be if you'd been at that convention.
To see the man who defined Hamlet
reduced to hawking T-shirts and sci-fi gewgaws.
- It's a terrible waste of talent. - Tragic.
No artist should have to endure that.
If only people could see him the way we did.
Niles,
how difficult would it be to mount Jackson's one-man show?
It's relatively simple.
That's true. There's minimal scenery, no supporting ca...
- Wait a minute, are you suggesting...? - Well, why not?
There's certainly no shortage of theatres in this town.
We could do it on a Monday when they're dark anyway.
We could revive the man's career.
What a gift it would be to return this man to the stage where he belongs.
It would be like repaying him for giving us the gift of Shakespeare.
And if the evening goes very well, who knows?
We could be in for a long run. We might take it on the road.
Why not a television special? A much larger audience.
It could become a cottage industry:
T-shirts, posters, personal appearances.
Thank God we've come along to save this man.
- Oh, Niles. - Cheers.
[FOOTSTEPS]
FRASIER: Gosh, Niles, I can't wait to show Jackson his new venue.
Gosh, what an honour it is
to be reuniting such a great talent with the stage. Is he here yet?
No, he's cutting the opening ribbon at Galaxy Mattresses.
Well, once this show opens,
he'll be able to throw away his oversized novelty shears.
Yes.
Ooh, I just came from the box office. Ticket sales are going at a brisk pace.
I've got half the station coming.
I've got a group coming from the wine club.
We've done a good job of getting the word out.
- That's why we get to be producers. - Yes, yes.
Hello, lads.
Mr. Hedley, please join us on the stage.
- Yes, or shall we say, on your stage. - Oh, yes.
[JACKSON GASPS]
Oh, it is such a long time since I've trod the boards.
Do you really think people are going to pay money
to see me after all these years?
The way things are going, we expect a sellout.
One week from today, you'll be looking out on a packed house.
Really? Do you know the one thing that I don't miss about performing live?
It's the jitters. It's the dry heaves.
- Maybe this wasn't the best idea. - No, no, sir, please. Please.
The theatre is your true destiny.
It courses through your veins. It fills your lungs.
This is your stage.
Welcome home.
And you said you'd never produced before.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I bring you to a hall
in Elsinore castle.
Denmark.
[JACKSON WAILS]
I die, Horatio.
[GASPS]
The potent poison quite o'ercrows my spirit.
[JACKSON GASPS]
I cannot live to hear the news from England,
but I do prophesy th' election lights on Fortinbras.
[JACKSON GASPS]
He has my dying voice.
The rest is...
[WHISPERS] ...silence.
[GASPS]
You know, you boys were right. It's as if I never left.
Hey, Fras. Just got my alligator pictures back.
- Oh. - Take a look.
FRASIER: Mm-hm.
- This? - That's Captain Pete.
Right.
- That's the gator boat. - Uh-huh.
- That's the chicken. - Yeah.
Oh, and that's him. The one I call Snappy.
What's that?
Oh, that's Duke's bypass scar. I had to use up the roll.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yes, well, we'll have to look at these later, Dad. That'd be Niles.
He's here to discuss our show.
You want a show? Well, take a tip from me, Mr. Producer.
One alligator, one chicken, one satisfied audience.
Oh, hello, Niles. Come in.
I got your message. It sounded urgent.
Yes, yes, it's about Jackson.
Oh, please don't tell me he's getting any worse.
Yesterday, I saw the stagehands passing out earplugs.
It's not his fault. He's only rusty.
After years on that ridiculous space opera,
he's picked up some bad habits.
Well, I was fortunate enough to find a videotape of his one-man show.
Once he sees this, it will remind him of what good acting is.
You know, shake loose the artist from the android.
That, sir, is why you are the first Crane in Crane and Crane Productions.
Thank you, Niles. All right, listen.
Jackson's on his way over here. Let's take a quick peep at this.
Oh. His Lear. Oh, gosh, that brings back memories.
Here, let me turn up the volume.
JACKSON [ON TV]: Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks.
Rage! Blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes,
spout till you have drenched our steeples,
drowned the cocks.
He's awful.
The man has no instincts.
Just stinks.
I guess we were just too young to know it.
Frasier, this is going to be humiliating, not just for us, but for Jackson.
What are we gonna do?
What all good producers do.
We'll shut down and blame the director.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That'll be Jackson now.
All we have to do is get Jackson to bow out gracefully
and we'll refund all the tickets.
Hello, lads.
Please, come in, Mr. Hedley.
Ah, you must be the Crane pater.
It is a pleasure to encounter the headwaters
whence spring these twin rivers
upon which I have launched my humble craft.
Likewise.
I'm telling you, one gator, one chicken.
Please, Mr. Hedley, won't you sit down?
Yeah.
Oh, I see my producers have long faces.
I think I know why.
- You do? - Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
It is to us.
Well, your worries are at an end.
I've fired the director. The man's a clod.
I mean, not even the stagehands follow his directions.
He shouts at them and they pretend not to hear.
Mr. Hedley, it's not the director.
- We have a problem. - What sort of problem?
FRASIER: Let me be frank.
Because an artist of your calibre deserves honesty.
An acting performance is a journey of discovery.
This brief rehearsal time that we've given you
is far too short to reach Parnassus,
home of the muses.
Forgive us for being so blunt.
Oh, I see. We're getting to the real problem.
I've got untested producers and they've got the jitters.
But not to worry, it's perfectly natural.
Do you know I've never worked with producers
who haven't wanted to pull the plug before the opening night?
But I won't let you quit.
This show is going on.
In the words of our great author:
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage,
then lend the eye a terrible aspect.
I think he's getting better, don't you?
[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]
MAN: Fifteen minutes to curtain.
Look out there.
Everybody we know is out there.
Look at all those smiling faces,
soon to be frozen in a rictus of revenge.
- The place is packed. - It's standing room only.
You know, Niles,
I think we may have exceeded maximum occupancy.
That could be a fire hazard.
It would be a shame if someone should call the fire marshal
and he should shut us down.
Yes, it would.
A damn shame if the old phone in the marshal's office
would start to jingle, jing...
Just call!
- Ten minutes to curtain. - No, I'm sorry.
I believe that your watch happens to be a tad fast.
It's electromagnetically set to Greenwich Mean Time.
Get me a Sprite.
Well?
The marshal will be here as quickly as he can.
Five-alarmer in the paper district.
Just our luck.
What are we going to do now?
Hey, guys.
- Roz. - This is Jackson Hedley's father.
I found him wandering around looking for Jackson.
- Lovely to see you. - Thank God I'm not late.
You know, I'm Jackson's lucky charm.
Do you know he's so superstitious,
one day I didn't turn up for opening night
and he refused to go on.
Is that so?
We must get you to him immediately. You see, you're at the wrong theatre.
Yes, yes, Jackson's performing clear across town.
But the sign outside says "An Evening with Jackson Hedley."
Yes, I know. You see, there's been a terrible snafu.
- Snafu. - With the marquee letters.
You see, they got ours, we got theirs.
- What's playing here? - Cats.
Ah. I love Cats.
Who doesn't? But surely you love your son more.
Yes. Luckily this young lady knows this town inside out.
Roz, please escort Mr. Hedley to the Portland Playhouse ASAP.
- But... - There's no time for buts. Do it now.
- All right, let's go, Mr. Hedley. - Oh, please, call me Cecil.
All right, Cecil.
Do you know, I have a predilection for brunettes.
[ROZ AND CECIL CHUCKLING]
Shall we go break the bad news to our star?
Yes.
[SINGING]
Mr. Hedley, I'm afraid we have some bad news.
It's about your father. It seems his plane is going to be late.
You mean my father won't make it for the show?
We know this must be devastating to you.
On the contrary.
For once my performance won't be inhibited
by that judgemental nitpicker.
Tonight I can really cut loose.
Those seats in the very back row will be rattling.
That is good news.
Five minutes to curtain.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time to centre.
Any more ideas?
These are the producers. The fire marshal's here.
Do you guys have any idea how many people you got out there?
You're way over capacity.
You're not going to shut us down, are you?
Frasier, I knew we shouldn't have added all those dry wooden seats.
Well, maybe next time you'll know better.
Has anyone seen my other skull?
Mr. Hedley, I'm afraid we have some bad news.
Hey, you're Tobor.
Correct.
I used to watch your show all the time.
I even have that old Playboy when Space Princess Alexa did that spread.
The one on the lava rocks. Yes, I've got that one too.
MARSHAL: I didn't know he was the one performing tonight.
I'll let you guys stay open on one condition:
I get to watch the show.
- We're out of seats. - It's okay. I'll sit in the aisle.
- Three minutes to curtain. - Ah, here's the right one.
Well, we may as well just take our lumps.
No, no, we're not going to take any lumps.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. L...
- What are you doing? - Yes, yes.
All right, l...
Shield yourself, Niles,
for the rain, it raineth every day.
This place really is a deathtrap.
This is hopeless.
I managed to shake that woman. I want to see Cats.
- Son. - Father.
My good-luck charm.
Oh, my God! Oh!
Mr. Hedley, are you all right?
JACKSON: I think I've broken something.
- Oh, my God. NILES: Call an ambulance.
- Make sure Mr. Hedley's comfortable. - Yes.
Dear God, Niles, I feel horrible.
It's as if we wished it and it happened.
Half of me feels guilty. The other half feels relieved.
Actually, it's more 30-70.
Well, I guess I'd better go out and make an announcement.
If I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, my brother, Niles Crane, and I
had hoped to bring a great talent back to the stage.
A truly, truly gifted actor.
A man we greatly admire.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, he does deserve your applause,
but in a tragedy befitting of the Bard himself, it seems that...
It seems he's ready to begin.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I bring you now
to a hall in Elsinore castle.
[WAILING]
I die, Horatio.
[GASPS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOG]