1
00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,200
ROZ: Frasier, I knew
when you bought me lunch,

2
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,800
there was going to be a catch.

3
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:15,000
- How long is this gonna take?
- Well, it shouldn't take too long, Roz.

4
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,900
I can't believe I'm actually scouring
a science-fiction convention

5
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:19,300
for <i>X- Men</i> comics.

6
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:23,600
I feel I'm contributing
to the decline of my son's intellect.

7
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,200
Then why are you doing it?

8
00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:28,300
Well, because I said no
to the eyebrow ring.

9
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,500
Oh, excuse me, good sir.

10
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,500
Could you direct me, please,
to Cubby's World of Comics?

11
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,700
- Yeah, it's right over there.
- Oh.

12
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,300
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You're a fierce but helpful people.

13
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,300
Oh, stop.

14
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,900
- Good Lord. That's Jackson Hedley.
- Who?

15
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,200
FRASIER: Jackson Hedley,
the famous Shakespearean actor.

16
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,000
He came to my school
when I was a teen,

17
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,800
did a show of soliloquies,
began my love affair with the Bard.

18
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:58,500
Excuse me, Roz, I think I'll just go
pay my respects to Mr. Hedley.

19
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:07,300
Excuse me. Um, what's
Jackson Hedley doing here?

20
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,600
Signing autographs
and being awesome.

21
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:16,000
They've got the whole cast
of <i>Space Patrol</i> coming this weekend.

22
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,600
Jackson Hedley
was on a television show?

23
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:21,800
What, are you kidding?
He's Tobor, the ship's android.

24
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,200
Where you been, man?

25
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:26,100
I don't know.

26
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:31,000
Reading, attending the theatre,
getting haircuts.

27
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,200
Hi, Roz.

28
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:39,900
Hi, Noel.

29
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,000
So you're a closet Trekker.

30
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:45,700
I always had a feeling
we were more than mere coworkers.

31
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,600
This explains the heat between us.

32
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,400
I feel heat, all right.
Because I'm in hell.

33
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:56,000
- There you are, Dwayne.
- Thanks, Tobor.

34
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,700
FRASIER:
Hello, Mr. Hedley.

35
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,100
May I say
it's an honour to see you again.

36
00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,600
Thank you. So, what would you like
to be autographed today?

37
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:04,500
Actually, I already have
your autograph.

38
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:07,600
I got it after seeing
your performance of <i>Hamlet.</i>

39
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,100
Oh, my.

40
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,600
- That was a long time ago.
- But not forgotten.

41
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,900
May I say, on behalf
of my brother and myself,

42
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:19,300
thank you for opening our young eyes
to the wonders of Shakespeare.

43
00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,400
You are more than welcome.

44
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,200
Tell me, do you get to do
much theatre anymore?

45
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,300
Oh, no, I'm afraid
those days are over.

46
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,100
The show became so popular,

47
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:32,400
I can't get cast as anything
but an android, a cyborg,

48
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:37,600
or when I get a chance
to really spread my wings, a mutant.

49
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:42,500
Well, what a shame.
For you and the theatre.

50
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,800
Oh, you are very kind.

51
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,500
Well, my fans await.
It was lovely meeting you, Mr...

52
00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,100
Frasier Crane.

53
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,500
Thank you, Mr. Hedley.

54
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,600
It just breaks my heart
to see that man reduced to this.

55
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,700
So demeaning.

56
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,700
Well, so he's not
doing Shakespeare,

57
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,000
but look, he's got tons of fans
that worship him.

58
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,800
What's so demeaning about that?

59
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,500
Hey, Tobor, would you do
my kid's birthday party?

60
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,700
Here's my card.

61
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,700
Travel time is extra
and I eat by myself.

62
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,500
- Hey, look who I found at the airport.
- Oh.

63
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,800
Welcome home, Dad.
So how was Florida?

64
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,100
Oh, it was a whirlwind.

65
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:33,900
Duke and I hit the dog track,

66
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,900
and then we met the Michael Jordan
of jai alai players at the Red Lobster.

67
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:43,000
But the place I went back to most of all
was Captain Pete's Gator Farm.

68
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,600
Ah, ah. Did you go see
the Hemingway home?

69
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,000
Well, you know, Fras,
you can't squeeze everything in.

70
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,800
But I tell you,
these gators are amazing.

71
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,900
You're out in the glades
in this fan boat,

72
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:59,300
and it's just you and Captain Pete
and a cooler full of raw chickens.

73
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,600
To think I wasted
my last vacation in Vienna.

74
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:06,700
Then he dangles a chicken at the end
of a stick and before you know it,

75
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,600
a 15-foot monster
comes rushing out of the water.

76
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,000
And he's yelling:

77
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,300
"Hurry up and take the picture.
This son of a bitch is heavy!"

78
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,200
That's delightful, Dad.

79
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,100
- Where's Daphne?
- My honey bunny has the flu.

80
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,700
Aww, that's too bad.

81
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:26,100
Probably got it standing
in front of an open refrigerator.

82
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,700
Nice to have you back, Dad.

83
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,200
- Frasier.
- Oh, thank you, Niles.

84
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:35,800
- You will never guess what I found.
- Hm?

85
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:41,500
This is the autograph Jackson Hedley
gave me in junior high school.

86
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,800
Oh, Niles.

87
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,800
"Dear Coach Pellit, please excuse
Niles from gym for obvious reasons."

88
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,400
- The other side.
- I figured.

89
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:58,600
"To Niles, my kingdom
for more fans like you.

90
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,900
Jackson Hedley." Gosh.

91
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,700
That's lovely.

92
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,600
Of course, I'm still envious
that you got to see him again.

93
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,800
You wouldn't be
if you'd been at that convention.

94
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:12,000
To see the man who defined Hamlet

95
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,400
reduced to hawking T-shirts
and sci-fi gewgaws.

96
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,100
- It's a terrible waste of talent.
- Tragic.

97
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,600
No artist should have to endure that.

98
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,800
If only people could see him
the way we did.

99
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:28,800
Niles,

100
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,300
how difficult would it be
to mount Jackson's one-man show?

101
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,700
It's relatively simple.

102
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:37,800
That's true. There's minimal scenery,
no supporting ca...

103
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:42,300
- Wait a minute, are you suggesting...?
- Well, why not?

104
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,800
There's certainly no shortage
of theatres in this town.

105
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,100
We could do it on a Monday
when they're dark anyway.

106
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,700
We could revive the man's career.

107
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:52,500
What a gift it would be to return this
man to the stage where he belongs.

108
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:55,500
It would be like repaying him
for giving us the gift of Shakespeare.

109
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:57,500
And if the evening goes very well,
who knows?

110
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,200
We could be in for a long run.
We might take it on the road.

111
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:02,600
Why not a television special?
A much larger audience.

112
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:04,800
It could become a cottage industry:

113
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:07,600
T-shirts, posters,
personal appearances.

114
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,900
Thank God we've come along
to save this man.

115
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:13,300
- Oh, Niles.
- Cheers.

116
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,500
[FOOTSTEPS]

117
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,700
FRASIER: Gosh, Niles, I can't wait
to show Jackson his new venue.

118
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,000
Gosh, what an honour it is

119
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,900
to be reuniting such a great talent
with the stage. Is he here yet?

120
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,100
No, he's cutting the opening ribbon
at Galaxy Mattresses.

121
00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:29,100
Well, once this show opens,

122
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,200
he'll be able to throw away
his oversized novelty shears.

123
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:34,700
Yes.

124
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:39,000
Ooh, I just came from the box office.
Ticket sales are going at a brisk pace.

125
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,500
I've got half the station coming.

126
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,500
I've got a group coming
from the wine club.

127
00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:44,500
We've done a good job
of getting the word out.

128
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,200
- That's why we get to be producers.
- Yes, yes.

129
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,300
Hello, lads.

130
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,000
Mr. Hedley,
please join us on the stage.

131
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:57,100
- Yes, or shall we say, on your stage.
- Oh, yes.

132
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,200
[JACKSON GASPS]

133
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:04,700
Oh, it is such a long time
since I've trod the boards.

134
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,700
Do you really think people
are going to pay money

135
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,900
to see me after all these years?

136
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,200
The way things are going,
we expect a sellout.

137
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:16,500
One week from today, you'll be
looking out on a packed house.

138
00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:21,900
Really? Do you know the one thing
that I don't miss about performing live?

139
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,700
It's the jitters. It's the dry heaves.

140
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:30,900
- Maybe this wasn't the best idea.
- No, no, sir, please. Please.

141
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:35,100
The theatre is your true destiny.

142
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:39,900
It courses through your veins.
It fills your lungs.

143
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:44,200
This is your stage.

144
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:46,500
Welcome home.

145
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,900
And you said
you'd never produced before.

146
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,800
Ladies and gentlemen,

147
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,600
I bring you to a hall

148
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,200
in Elsinore castle.

149
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,500
Denmark.

150
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,400
[JACKSON WAILS]

151
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,900
I die, Horatio.

152
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,900
[GASPS]

153
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:20,100
The potent poison
quite o'ercrows my spirit.

154
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,800
[JACKSON GASPS]

155
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:27,100
I cannot live
to hear the news from England,

156
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:33,200
but I do prophesy
th' election lights on Fortinbras.

157
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,900
[JACKSON GASPS]

158
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,200
He has my dying voice.

159
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:44,900
The rest is...

160
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:50,100
[WHISPERS]
...silence.

161
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,200
[GASPS]

162
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:03,900
You know, you boys were right.
It's as if I never left.

163
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:13,000
Hey, Fras.
Just got my alligator pictures back.

164
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:16,300
- Oh.
- Take a look.

165
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,300
FRASIER:
Mm-hm.

166
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:20,100
- This?
- That's Captain Pete.

167
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:21,400
Right.

168
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,700
- That's the gator boat.
- Uh-huh.

169
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,200
- That's the chicken.
- Yeah.

170
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:31,300
Oh, and that's him.
The one I call Snappy.

171
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,000
What's that?

172
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,300
Oh, that's Duke's bypass scar.
I had to use up the roll.

173
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:39,900
[DOORBELL RINGS]

174
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,400
Yes, well, we'll have to look
at these later, Dad. That'd be Niles.

175
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:43,900
He's here to discuss our show.

176
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,600
You want a show?
Well, take a tip from me, Mr. Producer.

177
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:53,000
One alligator, one chicken,
one satisfied audience.

178
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:56,900
Oh, hello, Niles. Come in.

179
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,500
I got your message.
It sounded urgent.

180
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,000
Yes, yes, it's about Jackson.

181
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,800
Oh, please don't tell me
he's getting any worse.

182
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:07,000
Yesterday, I saw the stagehands
passing out earplugs.

183
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,700
It's not his fault. He's only rusty.

184
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,400
After years on that
ridiculous space opera,

185
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:13,900
he's picked up some bad habits.

186
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:17,600
Well, I was fortunate enough to find
a videotape of his one-man show.

187
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,700
Once he sees this, it will remind him
of what good acting is.

188
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:26,800
You know, shake loose
the artist from the android.

189
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:31,400
That, sir, is why you are the first Crane
in Crane and Crane Productions.

190
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:33,200
Thank you, Niles. All right, listen.

191
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,500
Jackson's on his way over here.
Let's take a quick peep at this.

192
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,900
Oh. His Lear. Oh, gosh,
that brings back memories.

193
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,600
Here, let me turn up the volume.

194
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,500
JACKSON [ON TV]:
<i>Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks.</i>

195
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:50,100
<i>Rage! Blow!</i>

196
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:54,000
<i>You cataracts and hurricanoes,</i>

197
00:10:54,300 --> 00:11:00,700
<i>spout till you</i>
<i>have drenched our steeples,</i>

198
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:06,800
<i>drowned the cocks.</i>

199
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,800
He's awful.

200
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,700
The man has no instincts.

201
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,500
Just stinks.

202
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,500
I guess we were
just too young to know it.

203
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:29,400
Frasier, this is going to be humiliating,
not just for us, but for Jackson.

204
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,300
What are we gonna do?

205
00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:34,400
What all good producers do.

206
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,200
We'll shut down
and blame the director.

207
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,600
[DOORBELL RINGS]

208
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,900
That'll be Jackson now.

209
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,300
All we have to do
is get Jackson to bow out gracefully

210
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,400
and we'll refund all the tickets.

211
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,200
Hello, lads.

212
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,200
Please, come in, Mr. Hedley.

213
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,600
Ah, you must be the Crane pater.

214
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:58,300
It is a pleasure to encounter
the headwaters

215
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,100
whence spring these twin rivers

216
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,700
upon which I have launched
my humble craft.

217
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,800
Likewise.

218
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,700
I'm telling you,
one gator, one chicken.

219
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,000
Please, Mr. Hedley,
won't you sit down?

220
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:20,600
Yeah.

221
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:23,600
Oh, I see my producers
have long faces.

222
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,500
I think I know why.

223
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,700
- You do?
- Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

224
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,000
It is to us.

225
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,500
Well, your worries are at an end.

226
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:37,500
I've fired the director.
The man's a clod.

227
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,100
I mean, not even the stagehands
follow his directions.

228
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,800
He shouts at them
and they pretend not to hear.

229
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:50,000
Mr. Hedley, it's not the director.

230
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,100
- We have a problem.
- What sort of problem?

231
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:54,600
FRASIER:
Let me be frank.

232
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,900
Because an artist of your calibre
deserves honesty.

233
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,900
An acting performance
is a journey of discovery.

234
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:07,700
This brief rehearsal time
that we've given you

235
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:13,900
is far too short to reach Parnassus,

236
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,400
home of the muses.

237
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,300
Forgive us for being so blunt.

238
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,500
Oh, I see.
We're getting to the real problem.

239
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:30,000
I've got untested producers
and they've got the jitters.

240
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,000
But not to worry,
it's perfectly natural.

241
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,000
Do you know
I've never worked with producers

242
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,900
who haven't wanted to pull the plug
before the opening night?

243
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:43,300
But I won't let you quit.

244
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,300
This show is going on.

245
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,100
In the words of our great author:

246
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:51,200
Stiffen the sinews,
summon up the blood.

247
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:57,000
Disguise fair nature
with hard-favour'd rage,

248
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:04,200
then lend the eye a terrible aspect.

249
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:11,500
I think he's getting better, don't you?

250
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,700
[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]

251
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,700
MAN:
Fifteen minutes to curtain.

252
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,900
Look out there.

253
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,300
Everybody we know is out there.

254
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,500
Look at all those smiling faces,

255
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:31,600
soon to be frozen
in a rictus of revenge.

256
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,300
- The place is packed.
- It's standing room only.

257
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,700
You know, Niles,

258
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:46,000
I think we may have exceeded
maximum occupancy.

259
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,800
That could be a fire hazard.

260
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,800
It would be a shame if someone
should call the fire marshal

261
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,200
and he should shut us down.

262
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:57,500
Yes, it would.

263
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,500
A damn shame if the old phone
in the marshal's office

264
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,200
would start to jingle, jing...

265
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:04,900
Just call!

266
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,600
- Ten minutes to curtain.
- No, I'm sorry.

267
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:11,300
I believe that your watch
happens to be a tad fast.

268
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,300
It's electromagnetically set
to Greenwich Mean Time.

269
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,700
Get me a Sprite.

270
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,700
Well?

271
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,600
The marshal will be here
as quickly as he can.

272
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,300
Five-alarmer in the paper district.

273
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,600
Just our luck.

274
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,100
What are we going to do now?

275
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,300
Hey, guys.

276
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,100
- Roz.
- This is Jackson Hedley's father.

277
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,300
I found him wandering around
looking for Jackson.

278
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,100
- Lovely to see you.
- Thank God I'm not late.

279
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,900
You know,
I'm Jackson's lucky charm.

280
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:40,500
Do you know he's so superstitious,

281
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,400
one day I didn't turn up
for opening night

282
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,900
and he refused to go on.

283
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,700
Is that so?

284
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,400
We must get you to him immediately.
You see, you're at the wrong theatre.

285
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,000
Yes, yes, Jackson's performing
clear across town.

286
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:00,500
But the sign outside says
"An Evening with Jackson Hedley."

287
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,500
Yes, I know.
You see, there's been a terrible snafu.

288
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,400
- Snafu.
- With the marquee letters.

289
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:07,200
You see, they got ours,
we got theirs.

290
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,300
- What's playing here?
- <i>Cats</i>.

291
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:14,400
Ah. I love <i>Cats</i>.

292
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,900
Who doesn't?
But surely you love your son more.

293
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:22,500
Yes. Luckily this young lady
knows this town inside out.

294
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,500
Roz, please escort Mr. Hedley
to the Portland Playhouse ASAP.

295
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:27,500
- But...
- There's no time for buts. Do it now.

296
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,300
- All right, let's go, Mr. Hedley.
- Oh, please, call me Cecil.

297
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:31,800
All right, Cecil.

298
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,700
Do you know, I have
a predilection for brunettes.

299
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,800
[ROZ AND CECIL CHUCKLING]

300
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,400
Shall we go break
the bad news to our star?

301
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,600
Yes.

302
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,400
[SINGING]

303
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,800
Mr. Hedley,
I'm afraid we have some bad news.

304
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,200
It's about your father.
It seems his plane is going to be late.

305
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,200
You mean my father
won't make it for the show?

306
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,100
We know this must be
devastating to you.

307
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,500
On the contrary.

308
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:59,800
For once my performance
won't be inhibited

309
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,500
by that judgemental nitpicker.

310
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,900
Tonight I can really cut loose.

311
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:11,900
Those seats in the very back row
will be rattling.

312
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,500
That is good news.

313
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,700
Five minutes to curtain.

314
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,600
And now, if you'll excuse me,

315
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:23,400
it's time to centre.

316
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:32,500
Any more ideas?

317
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,300
These are the producers.
The fire marshal's here.

318
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:39,400
Do you guys have any idea
how many people you got out there?

319
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,000
You're way over capacity.

320
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,200
You're not going to shut us down,
are you?

321
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:47,100
Frasier, I knew we shouldn't have
added all those dry wooden seats.

322
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,900
Well, maybe next time
you'll know better.

323
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,800
Has anyone seen my other skull?

324
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:54,800
Mr. Hedley,
I'm afraid we have some bad news.

325
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,100
Hey, you're Tobor.

326
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,100
Correct.

327
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:00,800
I used to watch your show
all the time.

328
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,800
I even have that old <i>Playboy</i> when
Space Princess Alexa did that spread.

329
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,500
The one on the lava rocks.
Yes, I've got that one too.

330
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,300
MARSHAL: I didn't know
he was the one performing tonight.

331
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,300
I'll let you guys stay open
on one condition:

332
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,000
I get to watch the show.

333
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,100
- We're out of seats.
- It's okay. I'll sit in the aisle.

334
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,800
- Three minutes to curtain.
- Ah, here's the right one.

335
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:29,500
Well, we may as well
just take our lumps.

336
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,100
No, no, we're not
going to take any lumps.

337
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,500
Desperate times
call for desperate measures. L...

338
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,800
- What are you doing?
- Yes, yes.

339
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:40,300
All right, l...

340
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:42,300
Shield yourself, Niles,

341
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:47,400
for the rain, it raineth every day.

342
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,200
This place really is a deathtrap.

343
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,000
This is hopeless.

344
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,900
I managed to shake that woman.
I want to see <i>Cats</i>.

345
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,800
- Son.
- Father.

346
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,900
My good-luck charm.

347
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:14,900
Oh, my God! Oh!

348
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,600
Mr. Hedley, are you all right?

349
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,600
JACKSON:
I think I've broken something.

350
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,100
- Oh, my God.
NILES: Call an ambulance.

351
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,900
- Make sure Mr. Hedley's comfortable.
- Yes.

352
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,200
Dear God, Niles, I feel horrible.

353
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,400
It's as if we wished it
and it happened.

354
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:34,000
Half of me feels guilty.
The other half feels relieved.

355
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,700
Actually, it's more 30-70.

356
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,800
Well, I guess I'd better go out
and make an announcement.

357
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,700
If I may have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

358
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,000
Tonight, my brother,
Niles Crane, and I

359
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:59,600
had hoped to bring a great talent
back to the stage.

360
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:02,900
A truly, truly gifted actor.

361
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,900
A man we greatly admire.

362
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,800
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

363
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,600
Yes, yes.

364
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:15,400
Yes, yes,
he does deserve your applause,

365
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:21,800
but in a tragedy befitting
of the Bard himself, it seems that...

366
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:30,000
It seems he's ready to begin.

367
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,700
Ladies and gentlemen,

368
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,900
I bring you now

369
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:42,400
to a hall in Elsinore castle.

370
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:50,100
[WAILING]

371
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:54,600
I die, Horatio.

372
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,700
[GASPS]

373
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,300
[INAUDIBLE DIALOG]