Well, it's official.
Once again, there is no room for me
at the Yo-Yo Ma Orchestral Fantasy Camp.
Hello.
Frasier, this is my cousin, Jen.
She's visiting this week, remember?
Oh, yes.
Of course. So, how are you enjoying Seattle?
Well...
I've been living in London,
so Seattle seems a little lame.
No offense.
Oh, none taken.
So you like London?
Not really.
It's like a parody of itself.
How so? Oh, you know,
double-decker buses... Ah ...
Bobbies, little pubs...
It's like Epcot, but even fakier.
So I bailed.
Went and spent some time in Florence.
Ah ...
Firenze. How is she?
I got to say...
Florence is over.
It was probably cool
before all the Americans found out about it.
You mean 300 years ago?
Exactly.
That's why I'm going to Vietnam.
Americans have never even heard of it.
Ah. Well, you know, I'm afraid
I have to bail on this conversation.
I have a show to prepare for.
Uh, Roz, when are we doing those promos this evening?
Oh, I had to reschedule those
'cause Jen and I are going out tonight.
A guy I met on the Internet is in this band.
We're going to go check them out, have some drinks
watch all the losers.
Want to come?
While no stranger to the discotheque
I'm afraid it'll just have to be you and Roz this evening.
This is our first time going out
since I was a kid.
When she used to baby-sit me
she was always dragging me on some wild adventure.
Like that time we changed that sign
from "School Assembly" to "cool ass."
Ah ... (chuckles)
Charming.
JEN: No, you don't understand.
The town we grew up in was totally boring.
It was like Kill Yourself, USA, right?
Roz was the only person who did anything fun.
Is that so? Yeah.
My mom calls me Roz Junior
which is what passes for wit where we come from.
And our town has the world's..
...fourth largest thermometer. Fourth largest thermometer.
Yes, well...
I can see why London really let you down.
Hey, Doc. Hi, Kenny.
Remember last month when you spent your whole show
talking to that pregnant teenager? Yes.
Well, it wasn't a total waste.
We just got nominated
for an Excellence in Broadcasting Decency award.
Really?
Well, that is quite an honor.
I don't think we've ever won one of those.
It's a very prestigious award.
That's what makes it so special when they call your name.
You know, it's heavier than it looks.
You don't want to drop one of those
So you've won one? Yeah
It's in a box in my office. You can come by sometime
and I'll show you. Honestly, Kenny,
when are you going to unpack those boxes?
Isn't four years enough time to make that office your own?
Negatory, Doc.
Every time I unpack in a new job, I get fired--
Tacoma, Moline...
Moline again.
I learned my lesson. Those boxes stay packed.
So that's why you haven't unpacked.
You know, all this time I been using you on my radio show
as an example of procrastination.
I had no idea you were just living in fear.
I prefer to see it as a healthy superstition.
Kenny, there's no such thing as a healthy superstition.
Oh, yeah?
What do you call washing your hands
after you go to the bathroom?
(sportscast playing)
Ugh.
Look at this place.
Dad, I don't believe you've thrown out a single newspaper
since Daphne moved in with Niles.
Hey, it was your idea to split up the chores
Recycling is your deal
Recycling and floors, remember?
I'm in charge of regular garbage and tabletops.
Both of which are nicely under control, I might add.
Really?
I count three snack plates around your chair.
All of them on tabletops.
Ah.
Not anymore.
All right.
What's it going to take for you
to start doing your share of the work around here?
Trade me... floors for garbage.
You'll really take care of all the floors
if I handle the garbage?
That's right.
(doorbell rings)
Okay.
You got a deal, mister.
Hi, Daph.
Hello.
Why is all your garbage stacked up in the hallway?
That's right, why is that, Frasier?
Your game is deep.
My, things are a bit untidy around here, aren't they?
Maybe I'll just clean up the dishes before we get started.
Daphne, you don't have to do that.
That's true, you're not our slave anymore.
I'm not going to do all of it.
Just the tabletops.
Oh, that's sweet of you.
Burn.
No, no...
Well, there's room at Roz's table.
No.
Jen I find her cousin
just a bit judgmental for my tastes.
Yesterday she told me that my show was bourgeois.
I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal
could be called bourgeois.
She then said my argument was bourgeois.
Which I found to be jejune
People in their 20s are always like that.
Hmm. The world's so daunting at that age.
They comfort themselves with the idea
that everything's just trash.
We were like that in medical school--
acting as if we were above it all...
(chuckles) Smarter than everybody.
It passes.
Hello, Roz
Niles, Frasier.
Hi, Roz. Come join us.
Thank you Jen, this is Niles.
Nice to meet you.
"Niles." Whoa.
"Thanks, Mom and Dad," right?
(lightly chuckles)
FRASIER: Well, Jen...
good to see you again.
Ah, so how was our night out, girls?
Well, it's still going on.
We went to this really great club called Zoo.
Excuse me, The Zoo?
No, it was just called Zoo.
And their... "The."
(laughs)
Roz...
is that glitter in your hair?
Oh, is it?
I thought it all came out in the car wash.
(cell phone rings)
Oh, that's mine.
Oh...
Hello?
Oh, Anka, you'll never guess
what huge Seattle clich￩ I'm in right now.
I swear, my cousin Roz is like, the only cool person
in this whole city.
The rest are just drones.
Apparently they don't believe in raw sugar.
Excuse me.
You see what I mean about her.
She's struggling through a typical phase of development.
Stop being so sensitive.
Hmm...
Sorry about that.
Not at all
So... tell me about you guys.
Roz says you're super competitive
with each other. Did your parents
withhold affection or is it just a penis thing?
Uh, I'll take mine to go, thank you
Coming up next...
"This Day in Psychological History,"
after the news.
(yawns)
That was a good show, Frasier.
It's not over, Roz. This is just a break.
I'm sorry, I'm so exhausted.
I haven't slept since Jen got here.
Hey, Roz, you want to go
see some backyard wrestling tonight?
ROZ: I don't know.
Maybe we should stay in tonight and rent a video.
Rent a video?
You're turning into Aunt Maribelle.
All you need is a beanbag ashtray and a tracheotomy.
Well, I'm not there yet.
I just thought that maybe you could use a night off.
Say, Jen
did you have a chance to explore
that art gallery I suggested?
Yeah.
I know you're into that stuff
so I don't want to put it down
But it was like everything in there
was trying to make us feel better about our corrupt,
imperialistic, phallocratic heritage.
They're landscapes.
But I picked up something for you on the way over here.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Well...
Oh.
A bust of Freud.
Wow, that's really quite thoughtful of you.
I figured you'd appreciate the irony.
Since he's been proven wrong about practically everything.
I like to think that Freud's theories
will stand the test of time.
Really?
Have you read either of his books?
Excuse me, young lady...
Uh-oh, here comes the lecture.
Yes.
For once, you are right.
A disquisition is indeed at hand.
And may I suggest that you roll your eyes
back into the forward position...
...as I may actually employ some visual aids.
Now our story begins with a young Greek woman
by the name of Clytemnestra...
Look, everybody, Kenny's here.
Wow, I've never heard that before.
Jen, maybe Kenny can show you around the station
You already showed me around the station yesterday.
I know, but you know what?
I totally forgot to show you our ratings binders.
You did? Yeah.
Well, you're in for a treat.
Here, follow me.
What's that trophy for?
Oh, a little series I produced called
"Life Is My Favorite Drug Of All."
Sounds pretty lame.
Yeah, it was.
All right, that girl's really getting under my skin.
When is she leaving?
She's not that bad. Oh, come on, Roz.
She's running you ragged
Oh, please. This is nothing.
I used to party every night.
Well, sure
At 20, you can do anything.
Hey, there's still a lot of candy left in this pinata.
That's attractive.
Thank you.
Oh...
And this is my office.
The nerve center.
Where it all goes down
Did you just move in here or something?
Oh, no, no, but in AM radio, you got to be
ready to go at a moment's notice.
One day you're operating
a 50,000-watt powerhouse in Cleveland,
the next you're spinning platters
out of a barn in Tulsa town.
But you got to keep moving
It's all about the music
When it isn't about news and talk.
I heard AM radio's dead.
Yeah, it is.
So you're going to Vietnam?
I'm thinking about it.
. That's such an original choice
You're so cool.
ly You're the first person who hasn't thought I was total
crazy for wanting to go there. Oh
What do they know?
I've always loved the idea of just taking off.
You know, seeing someplace exotic.
Why haven't you?
My wife, she didn't like to travel.
But you just said you were separated.
So do it.
Blow it all off, go see Vietnam.
Break out of this prison cell.
I could, couldn't I?
You know, and I could just be free.
Get a motorcycle, drive around the countryside
and really start to live.
I never even thought about the motorcycle.
Now you have to do it.
People would think I was nuts.
I wouldn't.
...when Freud's genius has obviously influenced
every psychiatrist on the planet.
I haven't forgotten about your calls.
Stay tuned, won't you?
I'm starting to feel a little bad
about pawning Jen off on Kenny like that.
He's been a little down lately
And Jen can be a little... well, negative sometimes.
I hadn't noticed.
I just hope she doesn't send him spiraling down
into some kind of depression.
(pants)
So Seattle still loves the Walkman, huh?
He's probably listening to Thriller.
So, do you still want to go
to that warehouse party tonight?
Doors open at 11:00
so we should probably be there at 1:00.
Look, I wish I could, Jen.
But I really have to sleep.
Don't worry.
. We'll have a few cocktails and you'll feel a lot better
Forget it.
I am not drinking again tonight.
So, just drink beer.
I mean...
Alice is still at her grandparents', right?
Listen, sweetie, why don't you go out by yourself tonight?
Oh, come on, Maribelle. Have some fun.
Don't do that.
Do what, Maribelle?
Knock it off. I'm serious.
You used to be so fun.
But ever since you got the condo and the SUV
it's like you're all 401K or whatever.
I'm exactly the same person I've always been.
Oh, yeah?
I checked your car radio.
It's not stuck on that classic rock station.
For your information
classic rock is both classic, and it rocks.
What happened to you?
I'm old.
(doorbell ringing)
Daphne, would you get that?
Hello.
Sorry I'm late. I...
What's going on?
Uh-oh.
Steady.
Your father and brother needed a little help.
The oven's all clean.
I just have a bit of ironing left.
I won't be a minute.
And don't forget, I've drawn baths for both of you.
Oh, Daphne, that wasn't necessary... Oh, no You shouldn't have...
Are you proud of yourselves?
We didn't ask her to do anything.
She offered.
Then why is no one looking me in the eye?
I'm sorry, Niles.
You're right. Maybe we took advantage.
. MARTIN : Absolutely
We were way out of line.
It won't happen again.
What are you doing?
What?
You're going to leave that there?
I'll clean it later.
Well, that's the whole problem.
If you would just clean as you go
things wouldn't pile up.
You wouldn't need Daphne's help.
I guess.
No, it's true.
Look at this.
Look how easy, you see?
s. Small, consistent efforts, that's all it take
Just like managing one's cuticles.
You know, there's a bowl of potato salad
lying out completely uncovered.
It's getting tangy.
The plastic wrap is right here.
We really should help him.
(under breath): Are you nuts?
. He's about to make us dinner
He is not.
20 bucks says he is.
Forget money. Let's wager something real
All right.
If I get him to make dinner
you do all the chores.
If I don't, I'll do them.
I'm ready, Niles.
Excellent. Because tonight I am taking you
to the finest bistro in the Pacific Northwest.
You're on.
Take your sweet time,
why don't you? Hey, guys!
Are you sure you don't want to stick around?
I was just gonna open a can of spaghetti.
But you have sea bass in the fridge.
Oh, it'll probably last another day.
Oh, I think you should cook it tonight.
Fine.
I'll nuke it with some ketchup
That's ridiculous.
You can't use your turkey recipe on fish.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, just take one clove of garlic,
two tablespoons of finely minced
fresh ginger...
Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll do it myself.
I suppose I'll lay the table
No, no, Daphne.
. You've done enough for today
That's Frasier's job.
FRASIER: And so for our final hour today
I'd like to focus my attention on first-time callers only.
Hey.
We've been hearing from a lot Hey!
of familiar voices this week, and I'd like to shake it up.
I looked for you at that warehouse party last night,
but I didn't see you. Oh!
I was in the old meat locker.
Oh, I didn't look in there
Sorry we didn't hook up.
Did I leave my sunglasses in here?
Oh, yes, you did.
So, I'm taking off.
I had a really cool time with you.
I hope you make your break from here soon.
Good news.
I just got off the phone with my travel agent.
She got me this great fare to Ho Chi Minh City
and she said it would be no problem to get you on the same flight.
This is going to be awesome.
I've never seen Asia before.
I've see the band, of course...
but not... you know.
Oh, well, about that, Kenny-- um...
I already booked a flight.
Oh, well, maybe I can get on your flight.
Well, see, the thing is is I, um... I travel solo.
Oh. It's kind of
a rule I have. I...
Oh, no, plea
I totally get where you're coming from.
Solo's the way to go.
My high school French club
went to Montreal one time.
Nightmare.
Well, you should still go.
You deserve to have some fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, uh, maybe I'll run into you over there.
I'd like that.
FRASIER: Our next caller is Stu from Madrona.
Go ahead, Stu, I'm listening .
STU: All right, it's like this. ..
I've been dating my girlfriend for six years,
and she keeps bugging me about moving in.
But I know as soon as she does, my freedom is gone.
Everything's got to be in the hamper.
I can't eat over the sink.
Can't just go out whenever my buddies call.
That's a lot to give up.
Okay, Stu, how old are you?
The calendar says 47, but I feel 18, right?
Forty-seven?!
Now, Roz...
I have a suggestion for you, Stu.
Grow the hell up!
What?
I-I-I'm sorry? I mean
I'm 38, and I feel 38.
Now I know we're all supposed to act
like perpetual teenagers these days.
But you know what? I like acting my age.
I like being a mom.
I like having a career.
And I like balancing my checkbook.
When did it become such a bad thing to be an adult?
Dr. Crane, hello?
Look, don't get me wrong.
I had a great time when I was younger. I did.
But after a while, that way of life
just seems... empty.
And you have to go deeper
and commit to things that really matter to you.
Believe me, when you do that
you'll find out how amazing and rich life can be.
Hey, I know that voice.
You were at Zoo the other night.
You told me you were 29.
Thanks for your call, Stu.
Let's go to traffic.
. I'm sorry, Frasier
I guess I shouldn't have unloaded on that guy.
I've just been thinking a lot about age lately.
That's all right, Roz.
I thought your speech was courageous.
And who knows? Even if it went right past Stu,
maybe it reached somebody else
out there on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.
REPORTER: ...which is backed up all the way to Northgate.
1-5 is stop and go, as usual.
This time because of a jackknifed...
(radio clicks off)
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪ ♪
♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, my ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪
Good night!