Here we are.
File A, slide sheet one, image one
of subject Frederick G. Crane.
Mom...
Here you are just an hour after being
wrestled from my grudging womb.
Gross.
You know, if you like
there's still time to include this
in your Bar Mitzvah video. Thanks.
But I just want to get through this thing
with as little humiliation as possible.
Oh, look at this.
Your hospital cap.
The very combed cotton that swaddled your little...
(voice breaking): ...head.
Are you okay?
Of course I am.
It's only natural that there should be
some emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift
in our relationship.
I knew it would come--
I just wasn't expecting such a roller coaster.
All done.
Is this your guest list?
Oh, I didn't realize
you wanted to invite so many friends.
I don't even know some of these people.
And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman?
I thought you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class.
He's not so bad.
Besides, the more people you invite
the more presents you get.
Frederick...
A Bar Mitzvah is a rite of passage,
not an opportunity for you to collect presents.
I'm sorry. You're right.
I'll try to trim it down.
KENNY: Hey, Doc.
Kenny.
I can't tell you how touched I am
that Freddie invited me to his Bar Mitzvah.
He did? Yeah.
What a great kid.
That's your son, right?
Yes.
I wasn't aware that you two had met.
We haven't.
I guess he's probably heard his share of Kenny stories.
(chuckling)
From whom?
You sly kidder.
It sounds like a hoot, but if I don't find someone
to drive with me to Boston and share a tent on the way
I probably won't be able to afford to go.
Hmm.
Fun drive, I bet.
Hmm.
I guess I can just send him something.
I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.
Hey, Dr. Crane, Mazel Tov.
Hey, Frasier. Hi, Roz.
Freddie's so sweet.
He sent me an invitation to his Bar Mitzvah.
Yes.
apparently the people of Washington State
have made quite an impression on him.
Can you believe Freddie is 13 years old already?
I can hardly think about it without choking up.
This is my son, Roz.
The little bald candy man that used to fit right here
in the crook of my arm
Little bald candy man.
That's adorable.
I had a boyfriend who called hi...
Is it weird to have a son
brought up in a different religion from yours?
Not at all, Roz. It's a faith that espouses
love, compassion, duty, education and art.
All values which I cherish.
And though I have played a relatively small role
in his spiritual developme nt, he has honored me
by asking that I say a few words.
And in the spirit of the occasion
I'm going to try to learn it in Hebrew.
Oh... Hi, Dr. Crane.
Hi, No Hi, Roz.
You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before.
I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets
when you talk to me.
So, I don't think I can make the Bar Mitzvah.
Great.
I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noel.
Great! You're not coming! Terrific!
Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew?
... Uh
Not learn it.
I'm saving that pleasure for retirement.
But I have composed a speech
and I'd like to say it in Hebrew.
Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want.
You can? Really?
Oh, Noel, thank you.
Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo.
Certainly. Whatever you'd like. Great.
The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend
and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance.
I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
Noel, isn'’t this something you could do yourself?
Oh, I would, but William Shatner's
restraining order against me is still in effect.
It's so stupid.
It wasn't even a real phaser
Noel, don't you have any friends
that could do this for you?
Trust me, there are no friends
in the world of Star Trek autography.
I see.
Well then, consider it done.
Oh!
Thank you so much. Now...
be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering
until the actual signing.
And if you must handle it,
use these cotton gloves.
Okay.
You'll be the hit of the Bar Mitzvah,
I promise.
And don't be surprised if you get caught up
in all the fun of the convention, too.
I'll try to pace myself.
Thanks again, Dr. Crane.
Noel..
how did you know I would do it?
What do you mean?
Well, you must have known I would do this for you,
or you wouldn't be carrying around
a picture of Scott Bakula, right?
Right.
Hey, Niles, think fast
(flashbulb pops)
Oh!
Dad!
What is that?
My good old Scheerblad-7XK.
The blindingest, noisiest, 15-pound camera
every produced in the former Soviet Union.
MARTIN: Can you believe it?!
Somehow it got buried deep down in storage.
But Eddie and I found it
just in time for the Bar Mitzvah.
What smells like burning plastic?
Oh, that means the flash unit's working
I thought the retinue-scorching flash
meant that the flash unit was working.
Not always.
I still remember the night of my junior prom.
Ooh... Dad wanted to get a nice close-up
of me and Margaret Coover.
Unfortunately, he got a little too close and the
heat from the flash seared the gold plating
off Margaret's necklace onto her skin.
You never mentioned Margaret Coover before.
I didn't?
Margaret Coover.
Petite, brunette... gilded.
(flashbulb pops)
Dear God, the old flash-and-wind.
NILES: Yes.
Dad found it.
Yeah, good thing, too.
Hasn't failed me yet.
Oh, well, except for that one Thanksgiving
when the flash washed Lilith out so bad
all you could see were her hair and eyes.
That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad.
That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
Hey, Daph, do you know where the tripod is?
I might need it for group shots.
Yeah, I think it's in the back of your closet.
Come on, I'll help you look for it.
Sherry, Frasier? Please, Niles.
I have good news.
Hmm? I have two tickets
to the Udo Fritzenheim show at the museum tomorrow.
(gasps) Not to mention
an invitation for lunch with the artist afterwards.
Oh!
Are you serious?!
Niles, lunch with a Dada master.
Oh, I'd love to come...
but I can't.
I have other plans.
m, I promised Noel Shempsky that I'd do a favor for him
and I've got to remain true to my word.
Although, perhaps, I could go to the show
leave the luncheon early and... and still fulfill my commitment.
Oh, yes, of course you could.
Yeah, you're right, Niles.
There...
You know...
it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston
where Freddie first said the word "Dada."
I remember swelling with pride
thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant.
But, of course, Lilith deflated my enthusiasm
by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me.
Fras, good news-- found the tripod.
Oh. Splendid.
It's tough to watch your kids grow up.
Well, he's... he's still just a boy.
He's only 13.
It goes fast.
How's Lilith taking it?
Well, I
suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her.
I can't really say for sure, you know.
She's always been rather guard ed with her emotions.
Not always, Frasier.
I've seen her get quite emotional.
I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That.
What does that mean?
Nothing. Nothing.
What are you hiding?
Oh...
Um... some years ago..
In a complete drunken stupor.
Totally stinko.
NILES: Yes.
I had an unplanned
and instantly regretted night ofamore...
...with Lilith.
A one-nighter?
Ofamore.
Lilith?
Well, it w... it was after Maris
And it was long before you.
In fact, it's pretty funny
when you think about it.
(nervous laughter)
And remember, I was drunk.
You'd have to be, wouldn't you?
Sorry, Frasier.
No, no, drinking definitely took the edge off.
Um, when were you planning
on sharing this interesting bit of information with me?
Soon.
Very soon.
Never.
Well, what's done is done.
I suppose we've all had our romantic missteps.
But just to be clear--
are there any more secret sweethearts
who I see on a regular basis?
No. Nobody.
Nobody?
Nobody
I certainly wouldn't count Anamari Hanratty
at the Natural History Museum.
Frasier?!
I said I wouldn't count her.
I mean... they just made out.
It was for charity.
It doesn't really matter.
I mean, the woman makes out with everyone.
She's not really the kind of person that you'd...
(yelling)
Hi, Dr. Crane.
Oh, hi, Noel.
Ready for Yeshiva tomorrow? That means school.
Yes, indeed I am.
I'm looking forward to it.
Uh, listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some, uh..
very bad news about the science fiction convention.
Uh-oh.
Long story short,
you see, I attended an art opening
and a luncheon on Saturday
and even though I left the luncheon early
the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful
and by the time I got there
Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone.
No...!
You made a promise and you welshed on it.
Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?
It's not really such a big deal, is it, Noel?
It's a huge deal.
Who knows when I'll get to see Scott Bakula again?
I'll be the laughing stock of my clan.
Noel, try to rem...clan?
No, never mind, never mind. Noel..
surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show.
So was Brideshead Revisited.
You're angry.
So I'm going to ignore that
But with all due respect, Noel,
perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction
might be the first step toward achieving a genuine,
meaningful, grown-up person's life.
Just a friendly suggestion.
You're right.
You did your best and that's good enough for me.
Thank you, Noel.
So, you'll still be my tutor?
Sure.
Good man. Thanks, Noel.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow.
And by the rings of Septaurus Five
you will pay, Dr. Crane.
You-- Oh, hi, Kenny--
will pay.
Okay, Eddie, hit the talk button.
And you're listening to the Best of Crane on KACL.
We'll be back after these messages.
(station ID theme music plays) (door opens)
Well, well, the fox and the hound working together.
How ironic
I'm just taking care of him
until Frasier gets back from Boston.
By the way, he left you something.
He did?
Yeah.
Whoa. A wig?
That's cruel, even for Frasier.
Cruel? It's only the wig Joan Collins wore
in Star Trek 28.
"City on the Edge of Forever."
It's probably still got her DNA in it.
"Dear Noel, I hope this begins to repay you
"for your great kindness to me,
"especially in light of my negligence.
Your friend, Frasier Crane."
He called me "friend"?
That's really sweet of him
I've got to call him before he delivers his speech.
You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?
Uh, not quite.
They're the same words, but they're in Klingon.
From Star Trek?
That's not even real.
It's the fastest-growi ng language on the planet.
This is what you people don't understand.
A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision...
Call him!
FREDERICK: ♪♪Yit-ba-rach shim-cha bi'’’fi kol chai♪♪
♪♪Tamid, l'’’o-lam va-ed♪♪
♪♪Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai♪♪
♪ ♪♪M'’’ka-deish ha-Sha-bat♪
♪♪Amen.♪♪
. Yasher Koach,Frederick
That was a beautiful passage
and a wonderful reading.
You honor us all by including..
(cell phone rings)
Oh.
You honor us all
by including us in this important occasion,
but you have chosen to especially honor your parents
Lilith and Frasier
by asking them to conclude this ceremony.
Lilith?
Thank you. Uh... (flashbulb pops)
Excuse me. Would the photographer
please refrain from taking any more pictures
until after the ceremony is over?
MARTIN: Sorry, Rabbi.
LILITH: Thank you.
I am very proud to participate
in the coming-of-age ritual
of my son Frederic k Gaylord Crane.
(snickering)
Oh.
Frederick, on this momentous occasion
I can only look at you
and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler
who once danced naked at the Boston Pops
The little boy whose favorite meal was "buh-sghetti."
I can't count the number of bedtimes
we spent cuddled together reading The Cat in the Hat.
"The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play,
"so we sat in the house
" on that cold, cold, wet day.
(crying)
Don'’’t grow up!
Not yet!
Nice girlfriend you've got there.
Not yet! Not yet!
If you're trying to embarrass me
it's not going to work.
(choked up): Come here, Daddy's little peanut man.
It'll be all right.
We will conclude with a blessing
from Frederick's father Frasier,
who, though not of our faith,
has chosen to follow his son's fine example
and deliver it in Hebrew.
Thank you.
I'll keep this short.
Thanks, Dad.
"Pookh lod wih le koo.
"Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh
"leng-lidge loo-Teb-
"jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp
"shoave dah-nobe-poo-boagh.
Shabbot Shalom."
Oh, that was lovely.
What was that gobbledy-gook?
Well, it's-it's a blessing for my son.
"Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo."
That means nothing.
It's gibberish.
What?
That's not gibberish, it's Klingon.
What?
Oh, dear God.
Freddie's dad just blessed him in Klingon.
sorry. I'm... I'm terribly
... I... I
Will you excuse me, please?
RABBI: Okay, everybody...
it's better to end with laughter than tears.
I don't know how they say it in outer space,
but here we say
"ahavaandshalom."
Love and peace
Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose room
in 20 minutes.
Hey, that was awesome, Gaylord.
Shut up, Berman.
Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good.
What did he say?
Well, roughly translated, it says
"My dearest son, each day you redeem me.
"May your journey be filled with the same joy
wisdom and purpose you have given mine."
It's a lot more beautiful in the original Klingon.
But it's still really cool.
Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more?
Oh, I think I did.
I've been trying to console myself with the idea
that without embarrassing parents
there'd be no psychology.
Poor kid.
Actually, today he is a man.
He is, isn't he?
Mazel Tov.
You must be very proud--
of your son, not yourselves.
We are, thank you, Rabbi.
Frederick, uh, listen, I-I'm... I want to apologize
Uh, there was this guy at the radio station
he was going to teach me Hebrew...
You don't have to explain it, Dad.
Really?
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
Berman translated your speech for me.
It was pretty good.
So, you liked it? Yeah.
I don't want to get all mushy or anything--
- I'm a little old for that now-
but, you know...
Yeah... I know.
(chuckles)
Can you forgive me?
. Yeah..
for everything but naming me Gaylord.
That was lovely.
MARTIN: Hey, everybody, look this way.
Oh, no...! No!
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪ ♪
♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Quite stylish ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪
Frasier has left the building.