So, what's the plan?
Are we going to turn off the lights
and jump out and yell surprise?
Oh, yes, Roz.
Let's startle a man who just had open-heart surgery.
Sorry. I can't get used to thinking of Niles as sick.
Oh, Niles is great.
All these exercises he's doing
he's going to be just as strong as he ever was.
Here's the guest of honor.
Niles, good to see you out and about.
You look great!
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll tell you it's good to be out
after being cooped up
in that apartment all week. Hello.
I never thought I'd grow tired of reading Flaubert.
Oh, please.
He's been parked on his ass
watching The Young and The Restless.
FRASIER: Niles!
Not the soaps!
You can't be serious.
Well, I'm hardly hooked.
They fascinate me as cultural artifact.
I was just telling Gertrude.
Their use of stock figures is reminiscent
of thecommedia dell'arte.
Esther is Punchinell o, Victor is Flavio
and Nicki, well, she's just the town pump.
Now do you see why I need my own telly, Daphne?
You have your own telly in Manchester.
(uneasy laughter)
Here's champagne and sparkling cider for you Niles
and help yourself to brunch whenever you're ready.
Word to the wise: Stay away from the sausage.
They're not sausages, Dad.
They're soysages.
Niles is on a postoperative diet.
We are trying to support him.
Oh, sorry. What about the bacon?
Fake-un.
Hey, everyone, I'd like to propose a toast.
To my family and friends:
Your love and support have been overwhelming.
DAPHNE: Oh, Niles.
During my operation
I was technically dead for several minutes.
Yes, we know, son. You told us.
But it gave me a fresh perspective on everything.
It took a brush with death
to remind me how lucky I am to be alive.
And Gertrude, thank you for giving up
the guest bedroom
so that I don't have to climb all those stairs.
Oh, no, I'm happy to sleep on that sofa bed
with the hard metal frame.
You have a nice, soft bed in Manchester.
Oh, Daphne, it's okay.
Her bracing honesty reminds me
that I'm alive.
You, you... Oh, you!
You are a treasure to me.
I cherish every day we're together.
Oh, thank you, Niles.
There may be others around here
who could benefit from a near-death experience.
Well, let's eat before the fake-un loses its shape.
Wow, Niles is really loving life with a vengeance.
I was the same way after I got shot.
First day back at the precinct
I went around hugging all the guys
Telling them all I loved 'em
How long did that last?
Until they started calling me "Martina."
It is kind of weird
seeing Niles so lovey-dovey with Mrs. Moon.
Believe me, when you're in that state
you can find something to love even in the biggest jerk.
Roz, I want to tell you you are a treasure.
Maybe I don't say it often enough, but you are.
Shut up, Martina.
(humming)
Hi.
I know that song.
0." Yes, Mozart's "Symphony Number 4
Molto allegro.
I've just bought this new recording for Niles.
It is fantastic.
I've never heard such string articulation.
Oh, I remember what it is.
It's that commercial with the singing cats.
♪♪ If your cat has a yearnin g for tuna ♪♪
♪ ♪♪ Da-da-da, ocean buffet... ♪
One of the cats was wearing a tiny tuxedo.
Good.
So few cats dress for the symphony anymore.
Frasier, Roz. Oh, hi, guys.
Guess who just walked a mile on the treadmill.
Oh, way to go, Niles.
The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile
of patients recovering from bypass surgery.
95th percentile! That's wonderful, Niles.
Well, now, Frasier
good health is not a competition.
When you've heard time's winged chariot hurrying near
as I have, every day is a gift.
Oh, yoiks.
What tone-deaf prankster gave you this?
You've heard it?
Well, as much as I could bear.
Did you hear what the conductor did
to the andante?
I just hope he bought it dinner first
Well, I couldn't agree more, Niles.
Frasier, you said you loved that CD.
Well, Niles has convinced me otherwise.
You know, I'm in the mood for a scone.
Help me pick one out. All right.
That was weird. I'll say.
Who can't pick out their own scone?
No. I mean you and Niles.
Usually that would have been a two-hour argument
ending in tears and cursing in Italian.
I'm afraid those days are over, Roz.
What happened?
Well, it's a long story.
Okay. When Niles was in the hospital
and he was being wheeled into surgery...
he looked so frail and vulnerable
so I..
I took my case to a higher power.
Hello, God.
It'’’s me, Dr. Frasier Crane
Though I don't talk to you as often as perhaps I should
I want to thank you for all the times
you've indulged me in the past
Although, I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club--
just kidding.
Anyway, today I ask you to look after my brother, Niles Crane.
I love him, even if I don't always show it.
And I regret all the time
he and I wasted in petty quarrels.
If you spare him, oh, Lord,
I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
But, Frasier, you don't think
God is going to strike Niles down
if you get in an argument, do you?
Well, technically, the way it's structured
he'd come after me.
Seeing as how I was the one
that initiated the deal, you see?
If I'd had more time,
I might have worded thin gs differently, but...
Oh, oh, uh, le t's get this to go
My soap starts in 20 minutes.
Ashley might come out of her coma today.
You know, since your recovery is going so well
maybe we should check you out
make sure all your equipment's working properly.
You're not talking about my exercise bicycle, are you?
The doctor said it would be okay.
If you need a second opinion
maybe Nurse Naughty could make a house call.
I could use a checkup.
But I think we should err on the side of caution
In a few weeks, I have another stress test.
Thank you.
And if all goes well, Nurse Naughty will be
one satisfied healthcare professional.
See you.
Oh, bye, guys.
Oh, Niles, wait.
Frasier says he thinks
the string articulation is really good.
In this?
Frasier, you know I hold your opinion
in highest regard, but are you nuts?
Perhaps, I am, Niles. Thank you.
Maybe you just need to get your hearing checked.
I'll do that. Thank you, Niles.
(loudly): I'll see you later!
(chuckles)
Very amusing.
I get it.
Oh, oh, here they are.
Frasier, Frasier, tell them what you told me.
I never thought I'd live to see the day.
Perhaps this is why I was spared.
Niles, how was your stress test?
Oh, the doctor cleared me to return to normal food
and regular physical activity.
Oh, Darling, that's wonderful.
Yes, yes. In moderation, of course.
Congratulations, son.
Perhaps now, Niles
we can get back to the squash courts.
Oh, I don't think so.
But the doctor said it was okay.
Yeah, but shouldn't there be more to life
than competition for useless bragging rights?
You didn't think they were useless three months ago
when you won.
You bragged for three months.
I've changed a lot since then.
The point is that I have roses
to stop and smell.
I see. So, let me get this straight.
You're going to give up squash and smell roses.
Poor Frasier.
I hope that you don't have to go through what I did
in order to become as wise as I have.
You can still be wise and play squash, darling.
Daphne's right. Go out, have some fun.
But I am having fun.
Since my incident, birds sing more sweetly.
The sky is so much bluer.
Niles, it has rained every day this week.
I see rain differently, too.
There's something I need to tell you.
It's something I've been thinking about.
(thunder crashing)
You were saying, Frasier?
Nothing.
My grandmother died a couple of weeks ago
and I feel bad because I never told her
how much she meant to me.
Well, my heart certainly goes out to you.
Grieving is difficult enough without those unresolved...
Frasier, I'm sorry.
But we have Dr. Niles Crane on line two.
I'm sure you all remember my brother Niles...
from our last segment.
I'm sure all my listeners join me
in hoping he can get back to work real soon.
Thank you, Frasier.
I just thought I'd add the perspective
of one who has ducked the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
By all means. Go ahead, Niles.
Your grandmother knows how you feel.
When I was briefly dead
the overriding feeling I had
was the love of my family and friends.
MAN: Wow, so I shouldn't feel bad?
NILES: Certainly not.
Get out there and live your life, Grant.
Carpe that diem.
Isn't that right, Frasier?
I couldn't agree more, Niles
We'll be right back after traffic.
I'm beginning to regret betting on the clown.
Roz, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I just lie in bed awake at night
mentally arguing with Niles.
And I win every time!
Frasier, this is insane
Do you really think something bad is going to happen
if you break your deal with God?
Oh, of course not.
Well, maybe a little.
I don't know.
Roz, my brother could have died.
I can't be ungrateful to whatever higher power
may have spared him.
I just can't imagine
that God would be upset...
Roz! Oh, he's God,
Have you read the Old Testamtent?
He can be ruthless!
Traffic's done. You're on in five.
Welcome back, Seattle.
Oh, I see we have someone on line two.
Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
NILES: Still me, Frasier.
Say, I had some thoughts
about your advice to Cynthia from Tacoma.
Speaking as one who has walked
through the valley of the shadow of death
Cynthia, I think diet and exercise
should take care of your problems.
Nothing like a good fat-free muffin...
Hi, Daph, I'm here for Niles.
He's at your place.
He said you were meeting him there for dinner.
I specifically told him I would pick him up here.
Sorry.
Not bad enough he usurps my radio show...
What are you doing?
Oh, you'll think I'm silly
but I'm donating food to the poor.
Why would I think that's silly? What does that say about me?
No, I was just going to say...
I do my bit for charity, you know.
You have no idea how many vacations
I've bought at silent auctions.
No, that's not it.
You see, when I found out Niles needed heart surgery
I felt so scared and helpless.
So, I kind of made a vow that if he came out okay
I would spend more time helping the less fortunate.
A vow? You mean like a promise to God?
I know it must sound absurd to you, a man of science.
No, no.
Now, when...
exactly did you make this promise?
The night before his surgery.
The night before, you say.
Interesting.
You say Niles is at my place?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Keep up the good work.
What's all this?
Food for the poor.
Oh, must be nice to be poor
and have people just giving you food.
Daphne, you were up awfully late last night.
Yeah, I was watching television.
Were you?
Or was that husband of yours sneaking upstairs
to demand you perform your wifely chore?
I wish.
He's still not ready to be in the same bed with me.
He's rich and you don't have to sleep with him?
Rub it in, why don't you?
I know he's trying to ease back into things
but it's been weeks since the doctor said he was okay.
Well, isn't it obvious?
The poor thing's probably not feeling very attractive.
He's all skinny and pale, and now he has that scar, too.
I don't think that's it, Mum.
I just think he's scared. And I understand that.
But how long are we going to go on like this?
Until you stop babying him.
I'm not babying him.
I'm just giving him the time he needs.
Oh, piffle.
What he needs is a swift kick in the bum.
Look, you've got to seduce him.
Use your feminine wiles.
That's how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Well, sharing a cell helped.
You know, maybe I'll give that a try.
When Niles walks into that guest room tonight
I'll have a surprise waiting for him--
candles, soft music, a negligee...
nothing too sexy.
We don't want to strain his heart.
There's nothing wrong with your ego.
Thanks for the advice, Mum.
My pleasure, love.
Oh, and since you and Niles will be in the guest room
I'll sleep in your room tonight.
No sense in letting that king-size bed go to waste.
This time use a coaster when you take your teeth out.
Stop the tape.
Who's he again?
That's Diego
the illegitimate son of Sonya LaFontaine.
He joined the army to avenge the death of his brother.
Although, frankly, I'm a little worried about him
I'm not sure he's figh this war for the right reasons.
Hey, you want some of this fancy dessert?
It must be really good
because Frasier told me not to touch it
No, no, thanks.
I brought some of these tasty rye flats
in case I... in case I feel peckish.
They look like wood.
Well, he di
But, you know, I feel my tastes have gotten simpler
since I cheated death.
It's hard to explain.
Don't need to explain to me, son.
I know what it's like to cheat death.
That's true.
Although I think I got a little closer than you did.
Oh, really?
Well, let's see...
I got shot by a gun and you ate a bunch of cheese.
I was clinically dead for several minutes.
I looked death square in the eye.
You may have looked him in the eye, but I shook his hand.
Really? Well, I kissed him on the cheek.
Well, I kissed him on the lips.
Also, Death was a girl.
Dad, I don't want to turn this into a competition.
I'm just trying to embrace life to the fullest.
Oh, would you give it a rest.
Excuse me?
You haven't embraced a damn thing.
All you're doing is yakking about
feeling this and experiencing that.
You're not doing anything.
You won't go back to work
or play squash or eat any of your favorite foods.
I'm easing into things until I'm back to normal.
The doctor says you're there.
Well, I'm just being extra cautious.
Sounds to me like you're afraid, son.
Well, what if I am?
Haven't I earned the right to be afraid?
I could have died.
I understand. Okay.
When I got out of the hospital
I was terrified to take a risk.
Just didn't want to leave the house.
Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
I know my fears aren't rational.
I know my heart is sound.
I feel fine.
But I felt fine before this happened.
How do I know
that the same thing isn't.
You don't know.
That's exactly what I came to realize.
Life's a crap shoot.
We could all go at any time.
That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got.
Like sand through the hourglass
so are the days of our lives.
Okay, point taken.
Thank you, Dad.
Where are you going?
To live my life.
You forgot the rye flats.
No, I didn't, Dad. No, I didn't.
Well, you're not leaving them here.
Good evening.
Hello, God, it's me again.
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Listen, it seems that when we made our little arrangement
there was another deal in place.
Now, I've had some experience with double-booking
and I know that the person who books first
always gets priority.
So, as long as Daphne keeps up her end...
which she is, to the letter--
it seems our little arrangement
would be rendered null and void.
Ergo, I am now going to yell at my brother.
Unless of course, you give me a sign.
Very well, then.
This is going to be sweet.
(elevator dings)
Niles!
There you are.
You're 40 minutes late. Well, no matter.
I have more important things to do.
Not so fast, mister!
You, sir, have been insufferable for the past few weeks.
It might enlighten you to know
that your endless preaching
has been nothing more than a thin cover
for your fear... Yes, I know.
I know, Dad just told me.
And he was right, I've been an ass lately.
I'm really sorry, but I have to go.
My wife is waiting for me.
Frankly, Frasier,
I'm surprised you didn't bring this up sooner.
But...
Huh.
Well played, God.
I'll see you at Easter.
(high-pitched scream)
Niles!
What happened?
Are you all right? Yes.
I just jumped into bed with your mother.
Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
That wasn't her.
What were you doing in there?
I just... wanted to... take my wife in my arms
and show her how much I love her.
Are you sure you're ready?
Trust me, if my heart can take that
it can take anything.
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪♪
♪♪ Toss salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
Quite stylish.
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those toss salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪
Good night, Seattle! We love you!