Well, tomorrow's opening night, and we are completely sold out!
Thank God Miss Fine has a large family.
Now all we need is some good reviews
and I think we might just have another hit on our hands.
Well, I have sent gift baskets to every critic in town.
Are you telling me you're bribing the critics?
Trying to buy us a good review?
Good thinking.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
my entire family is so excited
about being invited to opening night.
They want 12 chicken dinners, two prime ribs
and two kosher meals, if it's not too much trouble.
Nanny Fine, this is not dinner theater.
No food?
Oy! Big mistake.
If you feed them, they will come.
Well, if your relatives won't come without a feedbag,
I'll be happy to give their money back
and sell their tickets on the street.
I'll drop you off at your usual corner.
Miss Fine, I can assure you,
your relatives are gonna love the play.
It's a brilliant post-modern exploration of despair.
No food and despair?
Jeez, it sounds like my Weight Watchers meeting.
♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens
♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out
♪♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would've guessed That the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She is the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Niles, what's all this?
I knew you and Miss Grace were going to the park.
You might like to take a picnic.
Oh, you doll, you!
The refrigerator's broken,
and if we don't eat it, it's garbage.
Tattle-tale.
Well, it sure beats hanging out on the fire escape
with a can of franks and beans.
You had your picnics on the fire escape?
Hey, with that menu, we were better off outside.
Niles, my little Chester's hungry.
Make him something.
Poof! You're a Doberman-- attack.
Oh, Chester!
I haven't seen you in such a long time.
Nanny Fine, please, he doesn't like strangers.
Oh!
Hi!
C.C., how come your dog hates you?
Well, after all, he is a male.
Not for long.
She must get a group rate.
Niles, what's this basket doing here?
It was supposed to go to Frank Bradley, the critic.
It did.
He sent it back with a snide note
saying that he couldn't be bought
and if he could,
he'd cost more than a tin of smoked oysters.
There has got to be some way to get to Frank Bradley.
I know a Frank Bradley.
He's in my arts and crafts class.
Maybe that's his son.
He said my ashtray was "derivative."
That's him.
Oh, I was the queen of arts and crafts.
Then one day I left my favorite brush in the shellac
and it hardened overnight.
I just walked away,
never looked back.
I have a fun idea.
Why don't we call up Frank Jr.
and invite him to go to the park with you?
Because I hate him. He's a big bully.
He's always teasing me and calling me names.
Oh, you know what they say:
Sticks and stones can break my bones,
but bad reviews can kill you.
Miss Babcock, she doesn't like the kid.
You want her to play with someone she doesn't like?
If I had to like every one of my friends,
I wouldn't have any.
I'll flip you for it.
Grace, dear,
Frank's father is going to review our play on television,
and he can either make it a big hit or a big flop.
She doesn't play well under pressure.
I'm shutting down.
All right, I'll do it myself.
You must have that kid's number somewhere.
Where's all that school junk
you're always bothering Maxwell with?
Would it be on the, uh, Pitah phone list?
That's PTA, Mother Hubbard.
Ah! Here it is.
"Pitah"! Ha ha!
Hello. Is this Mr. Bradley?
We haven't met,
but your little Frank is in the same class as my Gracie.
I'm not hers. Am I?
No, angel.
You don't shed your skin.
It is such a beautiful day
and we were wondering
if little Frank would like to go to the park with Grace.
Marvelous!
You know, there is a brilliant theater critic
by the name of Frank Bradley.
You are?
Oh, can that woman ever suck up!
Hmm.
If she came with attachments, we could throw out the Hoover.
Come on, Gracie. Move it along.
Freeze! There's been a change of plans.
You're taking Frank Bradley Jr. to the park.
Forget it! We're going to the park by ourselves.
I forbid it.
Forbid? Is that the F word I hear?
That's the F word?
What's the big deal?
Who's the nanny here anyway?
I was there when this child was born.
Where were you?
In high school.
Ladies, ladies.
Isn't there a more grown-up way to settle your differences?
I'm thinking mud wrestling.
Actually, there is a more grown-up way.
I'm telling Maxwell on you.
Not if I get there first.
Brighton, block her!
Well, of course, we'd love to have Mayor Guiliani there
opening night.
But please ask him to leave his son at home.
All right, Thigh Master!
Oh, Mr. Sheffield...would please explain to Miss Babcock
that I am in charge of the children?
Well, of course you're in charge.
And if Gracie doesn't want to play with a little boy...
she doesn't have to?
No, of course not.
Miss Babcock, come in.
It's Frank Bradley's son.
On the other hand-- What?
Well, it might be good for Grace to play with him.
But she doesn't like him.
How does she know she doesn't like him
if she doesn't spend any time with him?
Ooh, that's good!
Yeah, it's important for Grace
to learn how to get along
with all kinds of different people--
Even people she doesn't particularly care for.
Too bad we didn't have this conversation out in the garden.
The plants would've loved the fertilizer.
Come on, Frank, don't shoot at the birds.
Oy!
Pow! Pow! Pow!
You call this a park?
I find it dull.
The scenery is totally lacking in imagination.
Why did we have to bring him?
Well, the more the merrier--
Except when you're talking about chins.
My Aunt Miriam had more chins than the Chinese phone book.
[FRAN AND GRACE LAUGH]
That joke's so old I heard it onThe Flintstones,
which, by the way,
was a pale imitation ofThe Honeymooners.
His father is a critic.
It's hereditary.
I'm bored. Give me some food to feed the squirrels.
You don't need food.
Just lie down and make believe you're dead.
My, does that kid have a mouth on him or what?
Does he take after his father?
Who knows?
I met his father for five minutes and that was enough.
Apparently.
I didn't want him,
next thing I knew he was on his way,
and now I'm stuck with him.
I'm just furious with Mr. Sheffield.
The little boy's father?
No, the little girl's father.
The little boy's is Mr. Bradley.
You call them both "Mister"?
Well, I don't really know either of them that well.
What?!
Oh, you think that me and them are their...?
[LAUGHS] I'm the nanny.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Frank, don't aim that at her.
[WHOOSH]
Good boy.
You're very patient.
Maybe I should get a nanny.
Oh, you really should, with one baby and another one on the way.
And two more at home.
Oh, honey, you don't need a nanny. You need a hobby.
GRACE: Stop it. You're gonna make her bald!
Hey, Frank, quit it!
There's no hair club for dolls.
Frank, did you hear me?
Are you going to make me walk over there?
He's gonna make me walk over there.
Frank, get off me!
Oh, Calgon, take me away.
Giddy up, little donkey.
GRACE: Fran, he's pulling my hair!
Frank, get off of her before I count to three!
One...two...
two and a half... two and three-quarters...
Three, three, three!
Oh, Frank!
Ow!
You hit me! I did not!
Did so. I'm gonna tell my father on you.
Oh, I'm really shaking. What's he gonna do?
I hear your boss has a new play coming up.
Who are you? Siskel and Ebert?
Niles, have you seen my yellow notepad with all my notes on it?
Not recently, sir.
Where did you have it last?
Why do people always ask that?
If I remembered where I had it last,
I'd go there and get it and not bother you about it, wouldn't I?
The mantle. I was pacing and I left it on the--
Niles, you're a genius.
Honored to be the wind beneath your wings, sir.
Hi! We're back.
[PHONE RINGING] How was the park?
Oh, you know, birds, trees, muggers-- The usual.
So, sweetheart, did you and Frank Jr
have a good time together?
We hit it off. We broke bread.
All right. I'm glad.
And I really appreciate you doing this
because, well, you know, Bradley's father's review
could really make or break our play
and we've worked so hard on it.
And it's not just me.
I mean, there's all kinds of jobs at stake--
The cast, crew, ushers, Old Pops at the stage door.
Oy, not Old Pops.
Telephone, sir. It's Mr. Bradley.
Probably calling to try and steal you away.
Oh, I might be available.
Hello, Frank.
What?
Well, uh, I'm terribly sorry. I--
There must be some mistake.
No, no, Frank, there's absolutely no reason
to bring any lawyers into this.
Uh, Frank. Er, Frank?
Hello? Hello?
You wouldn't hit the woman carrying your child, would you?
All right, I'm trying to stay calm.
That's good,
because you are entering those dangerous heart-attack years.
Miss Fine, you struck a child?
Struck a child? Oh, God, let it be Grace.
It was little Frank Bradley.
Miss Fine hit him with a baguette.
She nailed him.
Kapow!
Don't help, honey.
You can't nail someone with a baguette
unless it's stale, of course,
or sourdough,
or a nice hard crouton aimed at the Adam's apple.
Do you have any idea what you've done?
Well, it's been a very busy day. Can you be more specific?
I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll invite Mr. Bradley
and his son over so Miss Fine can apologize to them.
So even though the kid deserved it, I'm gonna have to beg
and grovel and completely debase myself?
Miss Babcock will show you how it's done.
I don't think a gift basket is gonna get us out of this one.
I may have to offer myself.
Might as well close the play now.
Don't touch that door!
Is it just me or does he need a vacation?
We're conserving the cold
until that wretched repairman gets here.
Now, tell me what you want. You get one request.
Uh, milk. Yogurt.
Miss Grace?
I'm not that hungry.
Suit yourself, but I warn you-- The door won't open until 6:00.
Okay, pudding.
Two seconds.
That's a new personal best.
This isn't pudding. This is cocktail onions.
Well, I'd make you a martini, but the ice has melted.
I know these measures may seem a bit harsh,
but in order to ensure that no more food spoils,
the refrigerator doors must remain shut at all times.
P-yew, Niles, something smells like it died in here.
Oh, Miss Fine!
All right, I'll have a bagel.
Get back! She's armed.
Put the bagel down
and step away from the bread box!
This is all your fault, Niles.
You had to pack that stupid baguette.
Baguettes don't hurt people. People hurt people.
I can't believe Mr. Sheffield is making me do this.
What are you complaining about? All you have to do is apologize.
I have to make the refreshments.
Thank you, Niles.
It's so nice to know that we're in on this together.
Well, meanwhile, the caviar is sweating,
the brie is running and my crudités is limp.
You know, they got an operation for that now.
I can't believe
that you're making me apologize for something
when I really didn't do anything wrong.
Look, Miss Fine, if you really didn't do anything wrong,
just smile and be charming and nice,
and lie through your teeth.
Oh, well, if you put it that way,
I suppose I can make believe that I'm at a tax audit.
Hello, hello.
Maxwell, this is Frank Bradley.
Well, of course, it is. Good to meet you, Frank.
Hello, Sheffield.
Oh, I do apologize for this whole ugly mess.
I feel terrible. Really?
I thought you'd be used to disasters by now.
You certainly have produced enough of them.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, there's that Bradley wit.
Oh, and you must be Frank Jr.
Nice to meet you, young man.
Your hand's sweaty. Nervous?
What a charming little snot, uh...tot!
Miss Fine, don't you have something you want to say
to Mr. Bradley and his son?
Yeah, but then I'd have something else to apologize for.
Miss Fine!
Oh, all right. Okay.
Uh, Mr. Bradley, things might've gotten
a little out of hand at the park,
and whosever fault it was-- Not mine--
I suppose I would be sorry.
Well, that's that, then. A heartfelt apology. Shall we?
Well, I think it needs some work.
What do you think, son?
It left me cold, much like Robert Goulet in Cyrano.
[LAUGHS]
That's my boy! How fast they grow up.
Soon he'll be closing plays and destroying careers.
You must be very proud.
Well, I'd love to stand here and grovel,
but I'm afraid I have to walk the dog.
Chester!
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.
Good boy. Yes!
Where do you want to go? Oh, Pomerania.
Well, I'll get my coat.
That dog's ugly.
He's got beady little eyes and a pointy little nose.
It looks like her!
They're from the same litter.
A finger sandwich?
Ew! What idiot made these?
I did. And they came from a real little boy.
Yes, finger sandwich, Mr. Bradley?
A man like you deserves a good finger every now and then.
Sheffield, I can't believe that you employ this woman.
She's rude, she's insolent,
and totally unfit to be a nanny!
[CHESTER BARKING]
And keep this damn beast out of my eyes!
Ow!
Your dog bit me.
He's not my dog. Yes, he is.
What?
That dog has absolutely no connection whatsoever
to either myself, Maxwell or our play.
That dog is a menace to society
and ought to be put to sleep!
Sure. No problem.
Hey! Listen, Cruella, nobody is touching this dog!
He's my dog.
I thought he was hers.
I forgot.
Maxwell gave him to me for my birthday.
It was a gift from the heart,
so if I want to kill him I can.
Niles, quick! Get a bucket of water.
Let's see if she melts.
Sheffield, if you want to avoid a lawsuit
I suggest that you muzzle that dog
and muzzle the nanny as well!
You know, Frank, I'm getting bloody tired
of kissing up to you.
I'm not. Let me do it.
Miss Fine was right from the beginning.
I should never have forced my little girl
to play with your son.
Quite clearly, he deserved everything he got.
I don't care what you think about my play,
and, frankly, I don't care much for you either.
Now, let me show you the door.
It's over there.
Son, let's go!
You'll never work in this town again!
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you know, it takes you a while,
but when you see the light, boy,
you just jump on that white horse and you go.
And you, my little fluffy protector,
you were just like Kevin Costner inThe Bodyguard.
Except you have a better haircut.
Oh, I thought the play was just excellent.
Put in a seafood buffet and you've got yourself a hit.
Miss Fine, if you enjoyed it that much,
how come you snuck out before the curtain call?
Well, because nature called.
And by the way, not to knock your theater,
but two stalls, 600 women--
It's like Tokyo in there.
I hate waiting for reviews.
My stomach has been in knots all day long.
Oh, we really don't have anything to be concerned about.
I mean, whatever else he might be,
Frank Bradley is a professional.
Right.
He's not gonna let his personal feelings
get in the way of his judgment.
BOTH: We're doomed.
I thought these pictures were supposed to be of famous people.
Who's Ethel Merman?
Never heard of her.
How about Mary Martin?
Beats me.
Hey, hey, how about this one? Groucho Marx.
Oh, he must be Marky Mark's grandfather.
Oh, look! Here it is, here it is!
Oh, I can't look.
Just tell me which way his thumb is pointing.
MAN ON TV:Well, it's time for
Unfortunately, Frank Bradley
is out with food poisoning tonight.
[ONLOOKERS EXCLAIM]
The finger sandwiches.
I ate the finger sandwiches.
Oops! That darn refrigerator.
So, we went right to the theater
to get the opinion of the common man.
Hi!
Fran, that's you!
I know. Do I look a little chunky?
I loved it. It was a masterpiece!
Compelling, riveting-- A sheer enchantment.
Two thumbs up.
Bartender, I think there's something wrong with your set.
I sound so nasal.
It was a perfect evening of theater,
although adding a few stalls to the ladies' room
wouldn't kill them!
Hi, Ma! Hi! Hi, Daddy!
MAN:Well, it looks like a hit to us.
[CHEERING]
Oh, thank you, Miss Fine!
Oh.
[LAUGHING] Any time, Mr. Sheffield.
Any time.
Well, that makes it official.
Our final perishable has perished.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
And there's the repairman, in the nick of time.
Well, listen, the man is highly in demand.
This is a very sensitive piece of equipment.
Who you gonna call?
Frost Busters.
Yeah, I'll just have a look at the old Frigidaire.
Well, actually, it's a Sub-Zero.
Not anymore.
Could be a condenser problem.
I think you got a crack.
We got a crack. Mmm.
You know, I think these repairmen
must all shop at the same store.
Yeah, the Gap.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Oh, thank you so much!
And I'd like you all to please thank my dear friend,
a man that I'll kiss any day on both cheeks,
Mr. Dan Aykroyd!
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]