1
00:00:04,660 --> 00:00:06,350
That
salesclerk
was so rude.
2
00:00:06,383 --> 00:00:07,450
Oh, I know.
3
00:00:07,483 --> 00:00:09,350
You ask to try on
20 pairs of shoes,
4
00:00:09,383 --> 00:00:11,366
and right away,
they get an attitude.
5
00:00:12,333 --> 00:00:14,330
Hi, Fran.
6
00:00:14,660 --> 00:00:15,216
Oh, Maggie.
7
00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:18,183
What are you doing home
so early? Are you sick?
8
00:00:18,216 --> 00:00:19,400
Oh, I better not
catch anything.
9
00:00:19,433 --> 00:00:22,283
I got unemployment
tomorrow.
10
00:00:22,316 --> 00:00:24,283
Oh, honey,
I feel terrible.
11
00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:27,100
Here I was out shopping,
and you were home sick
12
00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:29,830
with no one
to take care of you.
13
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,383
I beg your pardon.
14
00:00:30,416 --> 00:00:33,166
I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of Miss Margaret.
15
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,160
Actually, I'm not really sick.
16
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:39,133
It's only, you know...
17
00:00:39,166 --> 00:00:40,366
My monthly friend.
18
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,200
She's all yours.
19
00:00:43,283 --> 00:00:45,233
I don't get it.
What's going on here?
20
00:00:45,266 --> 00:00:48,116
Val, what comes
at the end of a sentence?
21
00:00:48,150 --> 00:00:49,266
A parole?
22
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:55,133
You might have noticed
that "Val" is not short
for "valedictorian."
23
00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:57,116
Now, come on.
What gives?
24
00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:59,400
You've had your period
four times this month.
25
00:00:59,433 --> 00:01:01,000
So?
26
00:01:01,330 --> 00:01:03,150
So women don't get
their period every week.
27
00:01:03,183 --> 00:01:04,250
If they did,
all the men in the world
28
00:01:04,283 --> 00:01:06,266
would be
institutionalized.
29
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:11,300
Which wouldn't necessarily
affect my social life.
30
00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:12,416
Now, what gives?
31
00:01:12,450 --> 00:01:14,150
You're not having problems
with your boyfriend,
32
00:01:14,183 --> 00:01:16,660
you're not failing
any classes...
33
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,400
Ah, you're trying
to get out of gym.
34
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,250
Oh, I have gymnastics
this semester.
35
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,466
Oh, the worst!
36
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,483
Oh, the horse, the bars,
the rope.
37
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,300
Oh, I hated the rope.
38
00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:32,366
To this day, I can't even
look at an extension cord.
39
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,660
Thank God, you know how I feel.
Mm-hm.
40
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:36,200
So you'll let me stay home?
41
00:01:36,233 --> 00:01:39,366
No.
Honey, every once in a while,
42
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,133
you got to pull up
those gym shorts,
43
00:01:42,166 --> 00:01:45,233
lace up those high-tops,
and face your fears.
44
00:01:45,266 --> 00:01:47,000
Or you could do
what Fran did.
45
00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:48,316
Write phony notes.
46
00:01:50,216 --> 00:01:53,383
Val, turn your
head
sideways a sec.
47
00:01:53,416 --> 00:01:57,330
Did you know you can see
clear through your ears?
48
00:01:58,283 --> 00:02:02,166
This is a completely
different situation.
49
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,250
She doesn't have
our gym teacher.
50
00:02:04,283 --> 00:02:06,330
You know, after World War II,
51
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,166
a lot of Nazis
fled down to South America.
52
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,183
She came to P.S. 19.
53
00:02:15,466 --> 00:02:17,350
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
54
00:02:17,383 --> 00:02:19,500
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
55
00:02:19,830 --> 00:02:20,250
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
56
00:02:20,283 --> 00:02:22,330
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
57
00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:23,333
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
58
00:02:23,366 --> 00:02:26,483
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
59
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,166
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
60
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,500
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
61
00:02:30,830 --> 00:02:32,000
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
62
00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:34,830
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
63
00:02:34,116 --> 00:02:37,483
♪♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪♪
64
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,400
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
65
00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:43,830
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
66
00:02:43,116 --> 00:02:44,300
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
67
00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:46,330
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
68
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:47,116
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
69
00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:48,216
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
70
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:49,416
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
71
00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:54,100
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
72
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:56,200
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
73
00:02:56,233 --> 00:02:57,450
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
74
00:02:59,366 --> 00:03:01,330
No, Maggie.
75
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:02,483
I am not writing you
a phony excuse.
76
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,330
Oh, come on, Fran.
My gym teacher hates me.
77
00:03:05,660 --> 00:03:07,133
She goes out of her way
to make me look stupid.
78
00:03:07,166 --> 00:03:08,450
BRIGHTON:
There's a tough job.
79
00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:10,250
Shut up, Brighton.
80
00:03:10,283 --> 00:03:12,216
Come on, Fran, please.
81
00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:13,350
Just till
gymnastics is over.
82
00:03:13,383 --> 00:03:15,383
You've got to get me
through till volleyball.
83
00:03:15,416 --> 00:03:18,100
No. I'm a nanny now.
I took an oath.
84
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,166
Fran, she won't even let
me
wear makeup in class.
85
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,200
Oh, she's got to be stopped.
86
00:03:25,233 --> 00:03:26,466
Well, all right.
87
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,133
But only because I
know
what it's like
88
00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,216
to be a pathetic klutz.
89
00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:33,183
Oh, I knew
you'd understand.
90
00:03:33,216 --> 00:03:35,316
All right. Let's use one
of my favorite excuses,
91
00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:38,366
and I hope one of
yours,
a hammertoe.
92
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,160
A hammertoe?
93
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,300
Uh-huh.
What's that?
94
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,300
It's a cruel, crippling disease
95
00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:46,316
caused by shoving your feet
into high heels
96
00:03:46,350 --> 00:03:47,466
that are too small.
97
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,416
And if you don't think
that sounds painful,
98
00:03:49,450 --> 00:03:51,133
just ask my Uncle Harvey.
99
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,266
No, it won't
work.
It has to be
100
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,366
something undetectable.
Something she can't see.
101
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,483
Then it should
have something to do
102
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,166
with your chest.
103
00:04:00,433 --> 00:04:03,830
Shut up,
you little
troll.
104
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,300
How about severe depression
105
00:04:05,333 --> 00:04:07,466
brought on
by feelings of inadequacy
and the fear of death?
106
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,416
Gracie, where do you
come up with these things?
107
00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:14,250
Usually during hopscotch.
108
00:04:14,283 --> 00:04:16,433
Miss Fine, I'd like
next Friday off.
109
00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:18,483
Could you write Mr. Sheffield
a note for me?
110
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,830
I think I'd like
an attractive disease.
111
00:04:21,116 --> 00:04:24,466
Perhaps something
that requires an eye patch.
112
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,216
Uh, Niles, would this
happen to be
113
00:04:27,250 --> 00:04:30,150
your not-so-subtle way
of saying you disapprove of me?
114
00:04:30,183 --> 00:04:31,350
Not at all.
115
00:04:31,383 --> 00:04:33,316
I delight
in each and every antic.
116
00:04:33,350 --> 00:04:35,216
Just think of me
as one of those
people
117
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:36,266
who slows down
on the highway
118
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:37,366
to view the wreck,
119
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:41,100
and then goes
on his merry
way.
120
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:43,200
You know, Mags, now,
I could be wrong here,
121
00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,250
but I think Dad
would be pretty
upset
122
00:04:45,283 --> 00:04:48,000
if he found out about
this whole note thing.
123
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:49,233
How's he gonna find out?
124
00:04:49,266 --> 00:04:51,233
I'm gonna tell him...
125
00:04:51,266 --> 00:04:53,250
unless you and I
can cut a deal.
126
00:04:53,283 --> 00:04:56,660
Listen, you maggot, you breathe
one word of this to Dad,
127
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,266
and I'll pull your tongue out
through your zipper.
128
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,150
I do believe
we have a
deal.
129
00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:09,660
[SQUEEGEE SQUEAKING]
130
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,416
[SQUEAKS]
131
00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:18,266
[SQUEAKS]
132
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,200
Niles, please.
I'm trying to work.
133
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,316
As opposed
to what I'm
doing,
134
00:05:22,350 --> 00:05:24,183
which is a hobby?
135
00:05:27,316 --> 00:05:29,160
You wanted to see me,
Mr. Sheffield?
136
00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:30,300
Oh, yes, Miss Fine.
137
00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:34,116
I got the strangest call today
from Maggie's school.
138
00:05:34,150 --> 00:05:36,133
Oh, look.
Traffic's backing up.
139
00:05:36,166 --> 00:05:39,450
I wonder what's ahead.
140
00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:43,116
Do you know anything
about her having
a heart murmur?
141
00:05:43,150 --> 00:05:46,316
Heart murmur...
Heart murmur...
142
00:05:46,350 --> 00:05:49,183
Murmur
of the
heart...
143
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,450
No. No. I, uh...
Doesn't ring a
bell.
144
00:05:51,483 --> 00:05:54,283
It seems she's been
feigning illness
145
00:05:54,316 --> 00:05:55,433
to get out of gym class.
146
00:05:55,466 --> 00:05:59,183
Oh, it's a massive pileup.
147
00:05:59,216 --> 00:06:01,433
You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that,
would you, Miss Fine?
148
00:06:01,466 --> 00:06:04,433
They're going to need
the Jaws of Life for this one.
149
00:06:05,283 --> 00:06:06,300
Oh, Miss Babcock.
150
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,830
Miss Babcock,
it's so nice to see you.
151
00:06:08,116 --> 00:06:11,830
You know, we've got to spend
more time with each other.
152
00:06:11,116 --> 00:06:12,466
Ah, that little
rubber
band in your head
153
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,216
finally snapped.
154
00:06:17,266 --> 00:06:18,400
Maxwell, I have wonderful news.
155
00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:20,150
I think I have solved
our casting problem.
156
00:06:20,183 --> 00:06:22,466
What about Alan Beck
to play the lead?
157
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,216
Oh, Alan Beck?
158
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,483
I love him.
159
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,450
No, I don't think so.
160
00:06:27,483 --> 00:06:29,400
Why would I lie?
161
00:06:29,433 --> 00:06:31,250
Maxwell, Alan Beck
is a living legend.
162
00:06:31,283 --> 00:06:33,483
He's won two Academy Awards.
He just won a Tony.
163
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,330
And next, he's
going
to Disneyland.
164
00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:39,100
Miss Fine, please?
165
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,150
Alan Beck is a demon.
166
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,416
When I first started
in the theater,
167
00:06:42,450 --> 00:06:44,133
I worked as his gofer.
168
00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:45,366
He treated me like dirt.
169
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,100
Oh, he can't
be that bad.
170
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:49,830
One time, I forgot
to put lemon in his tea.
171
00:06:49,116 --> 00:06:50,350
He set me on fire.
172
00:06:51,416 --> 00:06:53,116
[LAUGHS]
173
00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:55,350
Well, there are two sides
to every story.
174
00:06:55,383 --> 00:06:57,100
What's the other side
to that?
175
00:06:57,133 --> 00:07:00,250
I was a 20-year-old boy
set ablaze by a madman.
176
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:04,116
Well, you're not
a 20-year-old boy anymore.
177
00:07:04,150 --> 00:07:07,330
You're a bigmacher
178
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,100
Yes, but I'm
still
flammable.
179
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:11,500
I think I'm at that
point
in my career
180
00:07:11,830 --> 00:07:13,366
where I can choose
who I work with.
181
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,116
Alan Beck's name
on a marquee
182
00:07:15,150 --> 00:07:18,660
can presell
a six-month run.
183
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,200
I choose him.
184
00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,400
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
185
00:07:21,433 --> 00:07:24,000
this is a very big
decision you've
made.
186
00:07:24,330 --> 00:07:26,183
You know, it's just
like
I was telling
Maggie.
187
00:07:26,216 --> 00:07:28,200
You've got
to confront your
fears.
188
00:07:28,233 --> 00:07:29,466
Maggie. That's right.
189
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,000
Now, what's this about
her cutting gym class?
190
00:07:32,330 --> 00:07:36,150
Just when the roadway
had finally cleared...
191
00:07:36,183 --> 00:07:40,166
Some idiot swerved
into oncoming traffic.
192
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,483
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
don't worry about Maggie.
193
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,316
I'll take
care
of her.
194
00:07:44,350 --> 00:07:46,350
You just get
yourself
flame retarded.
195
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,333
And you, keep it
moving.
Keep it moving.
196
00:07:48,366 --> 00:07:51,233
There's
nothing
to see here.
197
00:07:59,283 --> 00:08:01,200
Oh, wow.
198
00:08:01,233 --> 00:08:03,333
Does this bring
back
memories.
199
00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:04,433
[SNIFFS]
200
00:08:04,466 --> 00:08:06,266
Bad memories.
201
00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:09,000
Oh, the rings.
202
00:08:09,330 --> 00:08:10,466
Good old rings.
203
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,283
[STRAINS]
204
00:08:12,316 --> 00:08:15,400
I have no use for rings
unless someone's
putting one on my finger.
205
00:08:15,433 --> 00:08:17,216
This was my event.
206
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:20,830
What'd you do
on that?
207
00:08:20,116 --> 00:08:22,830
Uh, never mind.
208
00:08:25,316 --> 00:08:28,116
Fran, I'm dead.
What are we gonna say?
209
00:08:28,150 --> 00:08:29,316
Well, we'll just
tell her the truth.
210
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:32,183
That your pacemaker's
working perfectly.
211
00:08:32,216 --> 00:08:33,283
Oh, God.
It's not gonna
work.
212
00:08:33,316 --> 00:08:35,330
Coach Stone
is gonna torture me
213
00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:36,166
this whole semester.
214
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,330
Oh, honey,
you're making a big
deal
215
00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:41,133
over what lasts a grand
total
of four minutes.
216
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:42,216
What are you
talking about?
217
00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:44,283
Gym class
lasts 45 minutes.
218
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,400
Listen and learn.
219
00:08:46,433 --> 00:08:48,266
First, you gotta get dressed.
220
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:50,483
Take your time.
You're not a
fireman.
221
00:08:52,166 --> 00:08:54,660
Now you volunteer
to get the
equipment,
222
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,450
which is very heavy,
so you pull
something.
223
00:08:57,483 --> 00:09:00,366
It could be a sideache,
a charley horse, a
hernia,
224
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,383
depending on how much time
you need...
225
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:05,266
12 minutes. God, I was good.
226
00:09:06,366 --> 00:09:08,450
What are we down to?
Uh, 20 minutes.
227
00:09:08,483 --> 00:09:10,330
All right,
just enough
time
228
00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:12,350
to look
for your
contact.
229
00:09:12,383 --> 00:09:14,233
Fran, you don't
wear contacts.
230
00:09:14,266 --> 00:09:16,500
Exactly. Do you
know
how long it takes
231
00:09:16,830 --> 00:09:20,330
to find a contact
that doesn't
exist?
232
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:22,330
16 minutes,
which brings us
down
233
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:24,216
to a grand
total
of four
minutes.
234
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:26,500
Anyone could get
through
four minutes of gym,
235
00:09:26,830 --> 00:09:27,400
even if you had
my old teacher,
236
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,116
Miss Wickervitch.
237
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:32,350
We called her
"the Wickervitch of the West."
238
00:09:33,183 --> 00:09:35,266
Oh...
239
00:09:36,216 --> 00:09:37,283
Hello, Fine.
240
00:09:37,316 --> 00:09:39,466
Miss Wickervitch.
241
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,366
Long time no see.
242
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,233
Your old gym teacher's
my gym teacher?
243
00:09:44,266 --> 00:09:46,100
Small world.
244
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:48,433
Ow! Nobody move.
I think I lost my contact.
245
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:58,000
Well, Fine, I see
you've recovered
246
00:09:58,330 --> 00:09:59,183
from the series of ailments
247
00:09:59,216 --> 00:10:01,500
that plagued you
as a teenager, huh?
248
00:10:01,830 --> 00:10:02,166
Well, I still got
249
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,250
some of the old
shouldermishegaas,
250
00:10:04,283 --> 00:10:07,216
you know,
when it's damp.
251
00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:09,160
Meanwhile,
you look fabulous.
252
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:10,830
Why'd you change
your name?
253
00:10:10,116 --> 00:10:11,116
I got married.
254
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:13,150
To a man?
255
00:10:15,483 --> 00:10:18,433
So you're married and I'm not?
How could this be?
256
00:10:18,466 --> 00:10:21,116
I'll tell you
how.
You're soft.
257
00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:25,316
-Ow.
-You were soft then,
and you're soft now.
258
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:29,383
And you're raising soft children
with heart murmurs.
259
00:10:29,416 --> 00:10:32,166
Is any of this gonna affect
my grade?
260
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,283
Oh, you bet your soft,
squishy little butt.
261
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,483
If you don't pass those midterms
next week,
262
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,830
your grade is an F.
263
00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:41,233
But that's not fair.
264
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,483
Oh, life is not fair.
265
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,166
Ask the old maid.
266
00:10:45,433 --> 00:10:46,433
Don't worry, Maggie.
267
00:10:46,466 --> 00:10:48,330
You're gonna pass
that test,
268
00:10:48,660 --> 00:10:49,466
because I'm gonna
coach you.
269
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,100
You?!
270
00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:54,100
[LAUGHS HEARTILY]
271
00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:56,283
Oh, that's so rich.
272
00:10:56,316 --> 00:10:58,500
You're like a French poodle.
273
00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:00,330
They're all
poofy
and perfect.
274
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,466
But wet 'em down,
and what do you
got?
275
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,400
A wet poodle?
A wet poodle?
276
00:11:06,316 --> 00:11:08,350
I'm gonna make her suffer.
277
00:11:08,383 --> 00:11:11,166
I'm gonna torture you so bad,
278
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,266
you are going to beg me
to kill you.
279
00:11:21,116 --> 00:11:23,466
You know, marriage
has mellowed her.
280
00:11:30,366 --> 00:11:32,383
Where the hell is Alan Beck?
281
00:11:32,416 --> 00:11:33,466
First day
of rehearsals,
282
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,433
and we're already
two hours behind.
283
00:11:35,466 --> 00:11:37,350
Everybody out!
There's a bomb threat.
284
00:11:37,383 --> 00:11:39,183
We're threatening to open
with this bomb.
285
00:11:44,216 --> 00:11:46,330
No explosion.
286
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:47,150
It's worse than a bomb.
287
00:11:47,183 --> 00:11:49,000
It's a dud.
288
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,000
Who are you?
289
00:11:52,330 --> 00:11:53,350
Maxwell Sheffield.
290
00:11:54,350 --> 00:11:55,383
You look familiar.
291
00:11:55,416 --> 00:11:57,400
Yeah, well...
292
00:11:57,433 --> 00:12:00,383
We, uh, worked together
some time ago in London.
293
00:12:00,416 --> 00:12:02,283
I was your assistant.
294
00:12:02,316 --> 00:12:04,400
Good.
Get me some coffee.
295
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:07,350
Actually,
I'm the producer now.
296
00:12:07,383 --> 00:12:09,250
With cream.
297
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:12,350
Who are you, blondie?
298
00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:13,483
I'm C.C. Babcock.
299
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,366
I'm Mr. Sheffield's
business associate.
300
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,350
Yeah, I got a slew of those
myself,
301
00:12:17,383 --> 00:12:20,283
but I got Thursday open.
302
00:12:20,316 --> 00:12:21,483
I'll be in my
dressing room, Sheffield.
303
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,266
Oh, Mr. Sheffield--
Whoa!
304
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,383
And who is this
lovely creature?
305
00:12:25,416 --> 00:12:27,133
Put Thursday on hold,
blondie.
306
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,330
Oh, Alan
Beck!
I just love
you!
307
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,266
Well, we have
a lot in common.
308
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:35,366
You must be
my leading lady.
309
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,330
Oh, no.
310
00:12:37,660 --> 00:12:39,160
I'm Fran
Fine,
the nanny.
311
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:40,133
Some nanny.
312
00:12:40,166 --> 00:12:42,483
You know, there's a little boy
inside me.
313
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,300
Want to raise him?
314
00:12:48,416 --> 00:12:50,350
Well,
what's the
problem?
315
00:12:50,383 --> 00:12:53,200
I think
he's very
charming.
316
00:12:53,233 --> 00:12:56,333
Well, thank you
for your professional
opinion, Miss Fine.
317
00:12:56,366 --> 00:12:58,483
So how did your meeting
with Maggie's
gym teacher go?
318
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,183
Oh, great.
I talked her
into
319
00:13:00,216 --> 00:13:01,366
giving Maggie
a make-up
test.
320
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,216
I'll need
a credit
card.
Oh, yeah.
321
00:13:06,330 --> 00:13:08,133
Wait. Wait a minute.
Do you intend
to bribe her?
322
00:13:08,166 --> 00:13:09,450
No! But only because
323
00:13:09,483 --> 00:13:12,116
I didn't
think of it
first.
324
00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:13,283
So...
325
00:13:13,316 --> 00:13:15,416
New exercise outfits.
326
00:13:15,450 --> 00:13:17,150
My grandpa always said,
327
00:13:17,183 --> 00:13:18,283
"you must
look your
best."
328
00:13:18,316 --> 00:13:21,330
He insisted on being
buried in a tuxedo.
329
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:23,300
Unfortunately,
it was a rental,
which could be the
reason
330
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:26,216
for my family's
horrible credit
rating.
331
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:27,316
BECK: Sheffield!
332
00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:30,160
Oh, God. What now,
more coffee?
333
00:13:30,433 --> 00:13:32,316
I've been rethinking act two.
334
00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:33,433
It's a downer.
335
00:13:33,466 --> 00:13:36,160
You got my character
in a wheelchair.
336
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,200
What woman in the audience
is gonna believe
337
00:13:38,233 --> 00:13:41,466
that Alan Beck is paralyzed
from the waist down?
338
00:13:43,830 --> 00:13:46,466
Alan, you're playing
Franklin Delano
Roosevelt.
339
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,830
The man
was a
paraplegic.
340
00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:51,450
Find a cure.
341
00:13:55,830 --> 00:13:56,350
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
342
00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:02,383
You call that
a back handspring layout?
343
00:14:03,383 --> 00:14:05,316
Shape up!
344
00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:08,660
I've seen better
routines
in Gymboree...
345
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:12,250
you Mary Lou Rotten.
346
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:17,316
Well, look who's
here,
Olga and Nadia.
347
00:14:19,283 --> 00:14:21,350
Have a good practice, girls.
348
00:14:21,383 --> 00:14:23,400
I have to get home to dinner.
349
00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:25,183
A romantic dinner...
350
00:14:25,216 --> 00:14:27,150
with my husband.
351
00:14:28,316 --> 00:14:30,300
You know what that's like,
don't you, Fran?
352
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:32,150
Oh, that's right.
353
00:14:32,183 --> 00:14:34,116
You don't.
354
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:37,330
Oh, forget her.
We'll show her.
355
00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:38,660
Are you ready?
356
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,150
I'm ready.
357
00:14:39,183 --> 00:14:40,283
Are you really ready?
358
00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:42,330
I'm really ready.
359
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:44,183
I can't hear you,
Sheffield!
360
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,483
I'm really ready!
361
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,133
All right!
Then let's go!
362
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:51,500
Oh!
Oh!
363
00:14:56,316 --> 00:14:58,166
Tea time.
364
00:15:02,116 --> 00:15:03,466
Are we feeling
any better?
365
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,283
Do I look like I'm
feeling any better?
366
00:15:06,316 --> 00:15:08,500
A woman with
an electrical appliance
367
00:15:08,830 --> 00:15:10,183
around her neck
and her feet in water
368
00:15:10,216 --> 00:15:13,000
should remember
who her friends are.
369
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,400
Ow!
370
00:15:14,433 --> 00:15:16,100
Oh!
371
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:17,300
Oy!
372
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,383
Listen to me. I sound like
a kvetchy Cathy doll.
373
00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:25,830
God, I hate dealing with actors.
374
00:15:25,116 --> 00:15:27,100
They ruin the theater.
375
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:28,283
May I get you something, sir?
376
00:15:28,316 --> 00:15:30,400
Scotch and soda?
Gin and tonic? Martini?
377
00:15:30,433 --> 00:15:32,200
Yes.
378
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,433
I wonder if Flo Ziegfeld
had all these problems?
379
00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:38,166
I think his problems
started
380
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,160
when they named him
"Flo."
381
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:46,160
Oh, good.
I haven't missed happy hour.
382
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:51,433
Oh.
383
00:15:51,466 --> 00:15:54,400
That Alan Beck'll
be the death of me yet.
384
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:58,100
He insists on playing F.D.R.
as a swashbuckling paraplegic
385
00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:00,330
who leaps
out of his wheelchair at will
386
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,233
screaming, "It's a miracle!"
387
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,466
Well, if you want him
to stay in his chair,
388
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,333
I know someone
that could break his legs.
389
00:16:08,366 --> 00:16:10,100
Ow!
390
00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:15,000
And she wears sneakers,
so he'll never hear her coming.
391
00:16:15,330 --> 00:16:17,316
I take it all is not well
in the Olympic village?
392
00:16:17,350 --> 00:16:22,316
Who would have thought
that we'd both be facing
demons from our past?
393
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:27,250
I can't believe I'd hire
a pyromaniacal sociopath.
394
00:16:27,283 --> 00:16:30,330
Yeah, well,
that was pretty stupid.
395
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:32,100
Mine was just a coincidence.
396
00:16:33,116 --> 00:16:34,450
Oh, come on, Miss Fine.
397
00:16:34,483 --> 00:16:36,283
Why don't you just
stand up to her?
398
00:16:36,316 --> 00:16:38,250
You're not
in high school anymore.
399
00:16:38,283 --> 00:16:41,500
You're a big
macher
400
00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:42,350
Oh, no. Here.
401
00:16:42,383 --> 00:16:44,166
Thank you.
402
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,400
Why don't you take some
of your own advice?
403
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:49,116
I mean, if the guy's
making you miserable,
404
00:16:49,150 --> 00:16:51,400
why don't you just
stand up to him?
405
00:16:51,433 --> 00:16:53,333
Because he'll quit...
406
00:16:53,366 --> 00:16:55,283
And he's brilliant.
407
00:16:55,316 --> 00:16:57,233
Nah. The worst
that'll happen
408
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,100
is he'll set you
on fire again.
409
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,250
How many times
can he do that
410
00:17:01,283 --> 00:17:02,466
before it gets old?
411
00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:05,333
Thank you, Miss Fine.
412
00:17:06,830 --> 00:17:07,383
Ow!
413
00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:09,330
Oh!
414
00:17:10,216 --> 00:17:11,300
Oh!
415
00:17:13,183 --> 00:17:14,400
Ah!
416
00:17:22,330 --> 00:17:23,166
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
417
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,133
Can't you just say hello
like a normal person?
418
00:17:26,166 --> 00:17:28,500
I've been
looking forward to
this
419
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,100
for quite some time.
420
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:32,333
What's with you?
What, do you like
to see young girls suffer?
421
00:17:32,366 --> 00:17:35,266
Oh, yeah.
Especially if they cry.
422
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,200
Okay, Sheffield.
423
00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:39,660
I set up five
stations
for you.
424
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,316
Each of them
is worth 20
points.
425
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,116
Start with the ropes.
426
00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:43,233
The ropes?
427
00:17:43,266 --> 00:17:45,333
No, not the ropes.
Anything but the ropes.
428
00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:47,116
Honey, go out there,
429
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,366
hold your
head
up high,
430
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,466
don't forget
to breathe,
431
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,283
and above all,
watch for your
nails.
432
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:56,283
[THEME FROMROCKY
433
00:17:56,316 --> 00:17:58,000
Oops!
434
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:01,330
Ooh!
435
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:03,000
Oh!
436
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,250
[SHRIEKS]
437
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:08,316
Whoa! Oh!
438
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:17,200
Ah!
439
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:19,316
[YELPS]
440
00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:24,433
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
441
00:18:24,466 --> 00:18:26,433
She stinks.
442
00:18:26,466 --> 00:18:29,233
Well, it's better to
have tried and stunk
443
00:18:29,266 --> 00:18:32,500
than never to have
stunk at all.
444
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,433
Look, she has been
working her butt off.
445
00:18:36,466 --> 00:18:38,416
I think that she deserves
something for it.
446
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,350
I'm gonna give
her
something.
447
00:18:40,383 --> 00:18:41,383
An F.
448
00:18:41,416 --> 00:18:43,350
I love my job.
449
00:18:44,216 --> 00:18:45,250
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
450
00:18:46,383 --> 00:18:47,433
[GAGGING]
451
00:18:47,466 --> 00:18:50,316
What kind of a teacher
are you, anyway?
452
00:18:50,350 --> 00:18:54,500
Teachers are supposed
to educate, not intimidate.
453
00:18:54,830 --> 00:18:56,216
What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?
454
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:58,830
You're choking?
455
00:18:58,116 --> 00:18:59,400
Why didn't you tell me
you were choking?
456
00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:03,166
This is the international sign
for choking.
457
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,450
Well, now I know.
458
00:19:04,483 --> 00:19:07,200
All right. Okay. Focus.
459
00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:11,266
Oh, Mrs. Stone,
are you okay?
460
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:12,433
Oh...
461
00:19:12,466 --> 00:19:15,266
Oh, you saved my life.
462
00:19:16,216 --> 00:19:18,333
You saved my life?
463
00:19:21,183 --> 00:19:23,830
Well, I might not
have passed gym,
464
00:19:23,116 --> 00:19:24,216
but lucky for you,
465
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,660
I passed
the Heimlich poster
466
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:29,116
every Sunday at Fung Lum's
Chinese restaurant.
467
00:19:29,450 --> 00:19:30,450
So, how'd I do?
468
00:19:30,483 --> 00:19:32,483
Oh, you did great, honey.
469
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,433
You got an A. Right?
470
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:39,433
Right.
471
00:19:40,283 --> 00:19:41,400
Really?
472
00:19:41,433 --> 00:19:45,183
Oh, because I felt like
I was really on.
473
00:19:52,183 --> 00:19:54,483
Forty-eight, no matinees.
474
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,830
My understudy's
good enough
475
00:19:56,116 --> 00:19:58,830
for the
blue-haired
ladies.
476
00:19:58,116 --> 00:20:00,350
Forty-nine,
I want a personal trainer.
477
00:20:00,383 --> 00:20:02,233
Young, dumb, stacked.
478
00:20:02,266 --> 00:20:04,160
And 50,
479
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:05,100
I want...
480
00:20:06,350 --> 00:20:08,216
I want this.
481
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,150
Alan, uh, before you go,
482
00:20:12,183 --> 00:20:14,416
I have a couple of demands
of my own.
483
00:20:15,183 --> 00:20:17,000
Oh, really?
484
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:21,330
Yeah.
485
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:22,166
From now on,
486
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,000
I'll give the orders
around here,
487
00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:25,133
and you will
conduct yourself
488
00:20:25,166 --> 00:20:26,266
in a professional
manner.
489
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,400
Or?
490
00:20:31,433 --> 00:20:33,216
Or...
491
00:20:47,316 --> 00:20:49,166
Or you're fired.
492
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,416
You're bluffing.
493
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,150
Try me.
494
00:20:53,183 --> 00:20:54,483
Come on, Sheffield.
495
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,283
You know as well as I know
496
00:20:56,316 --> 00:21:00,266
that no one can play this role
as well as Alan Beck.
497
00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:04,150
I am F.D.R.
498
00:21:10,166 --> 00:21:11,433
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
499
00:21:12,483 --> 00:21:17,500
December 7, 1941,
500
00:21:17,830 --> 00:21:21,250
a date that will
live in infamy.
501
00:21:21,283 --> 00:21:23,350
The only thing
we have to fear
502
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,483
is fear itself.
503
00:21:27,383 --> 00:21:29,660
FRAN:
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
504
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:32,660
Anthony Hopkins called again,
and he wants to know
505
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:34,266
whether he should
bring his own wheelchair.
506
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:36,330
The guy's such a pest.
507
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,316
But a lovely man.
508
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:40,283
Whatever Tony wants
is just fine.
509
00:21:40,316 --> 00:21:41,416
Ah.
510
00:21:43,133 --> 00:21:44,466
You know, Sheffield,
I've been thinking.
511
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,183
Maybe some of my demands
might be negotiable.
512
00:21:49,830 --> 00:21:51,660
Some of your demands?
513
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:53,400
All right,
all of
them.
514
00:21:54,283 --> 00:21:55,350
But I'm keeping this.
515
00:21:58,300 --> 00:22:00,133
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
516
00:22:00,166 --> 00:22:02,160
Thank you. Thank you.
517
00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,200
Thank you very much.
518
00:22:03,233 --> 00:22:05,150
Uh, Miss Babcock
has your checks.
519
00:22:06,483 --> 00:22:08,383
You were great.
Thank you.
520
00:22:08,416 --> 00:22:10,400
Very believable.
521
00:22:13,350 --> 00:22:15,300
Anthony Hopkins, Miss Fine?
522
00:22:16,450 --> 00:22:18,450
A nice touch.
523
00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:20,330
My acting
was pretty
good,
524
00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:21,150
huh, Mr. Sheffield?
525
00:22:21,183 --> 00:22:23,330
Maybe I should play
Eleanor Roosevelt.
526
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:24,250
I know all her lines.
527
00:22:24,283 --> 00:22:28,300
"Ah, look at all
the lonely
people."
528
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,500
That was Eleanor Rigby.
529
00:22:31,830 --> 00:22:33,266
Oh.
530
00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:35,216
Don't quit
your day job.
531
00:22:35,250 --> 00:22:37,660
Oh, I won't.
532
00:22:47,333 --> 00:22:51,183
Look at
the class of '82.
533
00:22:51,216 --> 00:22:54,233
Mm, mm, mm.
What a bunch of losers.
534
00:22:55,433 --> 00:22:57,300
Look at your hair,
Fine.
535
00:22:57,333 --> 00:23:00,283
Oh, that was
the Farrah Fawcett look.
536
00:23:00,316 --> 00:23:02,116
Wait a minute.
537
00:23:02,150 --> 00:23:04,300
Is that Daniel Pirialli
with his arm around you?
538
00:23:04,333 --> 00:23:06,150
Yeah, he was my boyfriend.
539
00:23:06,183 --> 00:23:10,383
Oh. A boy like
that
will kill your
brother.
540
00:23:12,133 --> 00:23:13,400
No. He's not
that bad.
541
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:15,150
Sometimes
I still wonder.
542
00:23:15,183 --> 00:23:17,450
Forget that boy
and find
another.
543
00:23:19,250 --> 00:23:21,250
-Who?
-One of your own kind.
544
00:23:21,283 --> 00:23:23,383
Stick to your own kind.