[FRAN, ECHOING] Introducing...
Number 44...
Brighton Sheffield- field-field-field!
He's safe!
And the crowd goes wild!
[IMITATING CROWD CHEERING]
My coach thinks I'm pretty good.
I just need work on catching and spitting.
Don't even think about it.
Brighton, this is the athletic supporter you picked out?
Who'd you buy it for, Mr. Ed?
He's a Sheffield. He'll grow into it.
Is it me, or did someone
just turn the heat on around here?
Miss Babcock, there's a gentleman on line three
who claims to be your father,
and I admire him for having the guts to admit it.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Yes. She's right here.
Hello, Father.
How nice.
Goodbye.
Another Hallmark moment.
So, your father's here.
What's he like?
We're complete opposites. We have nothing in common.
Oh, I can't wait to meet him.
I'm far too busy. Besides, I saw him last year.
We had dinner and shared a cab.
Stay tuned for the Babcock family Christmas special.
You've got to see him.
It's like my mother always says--
"You can freeze anything."
No.
"Why buy Sweet 'N Lo
when restaurants are giving it away?"
No.
"Seven cans of tunafish count as one
in the express line"?
No! My mother always says,
"Blood is thicker than water,
and you can wash them both off of plastic slipcovers."
Miss Fine, what are you babbling about?
You have to make time for family.
Why don't you have him over for dinner?
Niles can whip something up.
I would like him to meet the man in my life.
By all means, bring him along.
I'll blow him up and put him in his usual chair.
♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Put your fingerprints on one more crab puff
and you'll find mine on your neck.
Boy, you're in a grumpy mood.
What's the matter? Are your corns acting up again?
They're excruciating, inflamed, throbbing pustules
begging to burst.
Well, I'm glad you're not making wine.
Niles, you can't use this china. The pattern is hideous.
That's not the pattern. It's your reflection.
If I'm going to see my father, everything has to be perfect.
He's demanding, critical, judgmental--
You've no idea what it's like to be around someone like that.
Totally in the dark. Not a clue.
Maxwell, you have little planes all over your tie.
-So? -So? Daddy's a navy man.
Don't you have anything with boats?
Oh, never mind. I'll get it for you myself.
Any excuse to get in his drawers.
Niles, Gatorade alert.
Hey... I thought
you were supposed to be at little league.
I was.
Well, where are your grass stains?
There's no grass on the bench.
Shut up, Olive Oyl.
I played right field.
Oh. Loser land.
Hey, I played right field.
Oh. Oh.
I'll tell you what. What do you say I get us a couple of box seats
at opening day at Shea Stadium, huh?
And you'll see how the pros do it.
Well, at least the Mets.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Hello.
Kitten, you haven't aged a bit.
Daddy, I'm over here.
And she has her mother's sense of humor-- none.
Well, call me crazy, but I think I like him.
Oh, Stewie, you're a stitch.
So, finally, I had to slip the doorman a hundred dollars
to give me his pants.
Oh, my God, that must have been embarrassing.
Talk about embarrassing,
my parents were once onLet's Make a Deal.
Nine-hundred people knew it was door number one.
They had to pick the box.
P.S.: Carol Merrill on a tricycle.
Well, if you want to talk embarrassing,
Ivana and I were down in Palm Beach
at Maralago,
and we locked ourselves out of the pool house.
There we were,
dripping wet... with no towels!
We didn't even have espadrilles!
So, Stewart, how long are you here for?
Oh! Oh!
The gardener saw us too!
Just long enough to do some business.
Did I mention that I bought a Picasso?
Not since the salad.
Ooh!
Oops.
I have to check out some new hotel properties,
and meet with the foreign investors,
and I suppose I have to show my face
at this Streisand thing.
Barbra Joan Streisand, born April 24, 1942
to Manny and Diana Streisand
of 457 Schenectady Avenue, Brooklyn?
I take it you are a fan?
Oh, well, if you call
turning your bedroom into a shrine,
seeing all of her movies 25 times,
paying $200 for a piece of chewing gum
from the bottom of Barbra's shoe--
Is that--
Is that what that framed thing in your room is?
No. That's a sourball that Elliott Gould spit out,
but he was married to her at the time.
I'd say she qualifies as a fan.
I'm part of the consortium that's backing Barbra's tour.
Oh, you must be plotzing.
Nanny Fine, we're Babcocks.
We don't plotz.
I'm with you, Daddy. I find her singing irritating.
[GASP] An entire acre of Beth Shalom Cemetery
just rolled over.
Plus her voice is so nasal.
Well, that's part of her charm.
I didn't know that you disliked her, C.C.
Fran...
Would you like to go?
[THUD]
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just too much for me.
I mean, the idea of finally seeing Barbra in person!
And our tickets are in the front row.
[THUD]
Did you see her eyes roll back?
That was so cool.
Might I suggest a safety belt
for the concert?
There is one more thing, but, um,
perhaps someone should hold onto her.
Oh, I'm okay.
Give it to me straight.
We're going backstage.
I'm fine.
You don't mind, sweetheart?
I mean, since you hate her so much...
Is he talking about Barbra or Fran?
No. Please, go ahead. Enjoy.
Good. Then it's settled.
Now, my boy,
what position do you play?
Well, you see, it's not so much
the position you play.
It's just that you're being part of a team.
Right field, huh?
Yeah.
[THUD]
Poor thing, she held on as long as she could.
Yes. All right. Goodbye.
Niles, crack open the champagne.
The theater guild has finally invited me
to speak at this year's Broadway symposium.
So Andrew Lloyd Webber is...
Out of town. And Sondheim?
Busy. And Gower Champion...
Dead. Dead.
Niles, just have my gray suit
ready by Saturday.
Along with your baseball cap, sir?
What? Oh, no.
Saturday I promised to take Brighton
to the ballgame.
Home run, sir. Oh, no.
-Maxwell... -C.C., I've got a problem.
Well, I have problems of my own.
My father is missing. He could be lying dead
in a ditch somewhere for all I know.
No, he's not missing. He's out shopping with Miss Fine.
Oh, God. Worse.
C.C., you're not jealous, are you?
Me? Ha! Please.
It's just that she's taking time away from his work, and time is money.
And his money will someday be her money.
So naturally I'm concerned. Mm.
Fran, this dress
is going to be fabulous on you.
Oh, Stew, you are like a fairy godfather.
All I said was that I was in the mood for a Big Mac,
and you got me a Bob Mackie!
Please don't mention it. I love spoiling you.
Oh, well, if it gives you pleasure.
Hey, I saw a pair of shoes at Bergdorf's
that would make you ecstatic.
[LAUGHING]
I'll see you tonight.
Have you told anyone that you're going to see Streisand?
Well, just my mother,
but she'll let the greater Tri-state area know.
See you later, Stew.
Goodbye, kitten.
Kitten?
[GROANING]
Niles, I told you to cut the tops of your shoes out
like my father does.
Mm, only if I can have the powder-blue socks
and Bermuda shorts to complete the look.
Oh, I had such a wonderful time with Stew.
I feel just like Cinderella.
Yes, only in this case, there's an evil stepdaughter.
Where the hell are they?
I can't believe they're not back yet.
Who?
The swallows.
Capistrano.
Check on it, Niles.
Miss Babcock, you don't have a problem
with me spending time with your father?
Nanny Fine, please. I couldn't care less.
Oh, good. Because if they get married,
Miss Fine will be your new mummy.
[THUD]
FRAN: Can you believe she fainted?
NILES: Oh, God. She's going to get lipstick all over the couch.
Miss Babcock. Miss Babcock!
Do we need some smelling salts?
Brighton, quick, give me your sneaker.
Ah, that woke her up.
Oh, and just when I was about to slap her.
Oh, quit it, you two.
Don't tease... mydaughter.
Say, in the will,
doesn't the daughter come after the wife?
I'm kidding.
If I were you, I'd be more concerned
that the daughter would come after the nanny.
I know I'll be sleeping with one eye open.
Ahem. Uh, Brighton, I have to talk to you.
Am I in trouble?
No. I rather think I am.
Great. I have time for this.
Well, you know how much
I wanted to take you to this ballgame.
Oh, you can't make it? Ah, no problem.
Well, the thing is-- I'm afraid
I'm just not going to be able to make it.
Dad, it's like I said, no problem.
I know you're so desperately disappointed,
but, you see, I've been waiting years for the theater guild
to invite me to speak,
and you see, they just called, so I--
Dad, hello!
Did I mention-- "no problem!"
So it's... not a problem?
No.
Oh, great, then it's not a problem.
Thanks, son.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Mr. Sheffield,
can I talk to you for just one minute?
I doubt it.
Mr. Sheffield, how can you not take him to the game?
Can't you see you're breaking that little boy's heart?
He said it was no problem. You must've heard him.
Oh, of course that's what he said. That's what kids always say.
They're not going to tell their father
when they're dying inside.
They give off signals.
They act morose.
Sometimes they even have fits of anger.
[CRASH]
And finally, if they're despondent enough,
they might even be driven to acts of violence.
Ow!
God!
And that concludes
today's audiovisual demonstration.
Look at me, Ma. I look just like Barbra inYentl.
Oh, Fran, this is the most exciting moment of my life--
dressing my daughter for Barbra Streisand!
I thought the most exciting day
was gonna be when you dressed me for my wedding.
Mm. I decided to live for today.
[SIGHING] Oy.
Oh, what's the matter?
Your excitement peaked too early,
and now you're depleted?
No. I just don't think I should be going.
Bite your tongue!
Don't you love Barbra anymore?
Ma, she's our leader!
Uh, I just think
Mr. Babcock should be taking his daughter instead of me.
Miss Babcock doesn't want to go!
Oh...
She's afraid to reach out to him.
Don't you see?
He's a father looking for a daughter.
She's a daughter looking for her father.
They're like two trains in a tunnel--
one's the express, one's the local,
going side by side, never meeting up.
I'll tell you, it's a tragedy.
Fran... look.
Oh! TheBarbra Quarterly!
Oh, I love theBarbra Quarterly.
And, Fran, look!
Oh!Color Me Barbra!
Oh, I love Color Me Barbra!
Ma, don't do this to me.
And, Fran, look!
[GASPS]
Oh... ho, ho, ho!
MyOn A Clear Day
Oh, Ma! I used to love this so! Remember?
I'd wear it everywhere!
Even to Uncle Harry's funeral.
Was that in poor taste, Ma?
No. He loved her too.
So you'll go?
No. Why not!
I just can't, Ma,
and it's all your fault.
Mine?
Yes, because you raised me too good.
Wasn't it you who said family comes first?
Our family, not theirs!
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, God. Oh!
[GROANING]
God.
Oh, Niles, there's someone at the door.
Oh, and I thought another angel got its wings.
You really should do something about your feet.
Oh, perhaps I can chew them off.
I was thinking more of a visit to a chiropodist,
but as long as you take care of it.
[MOANING]
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[SNAPPING] Oh, just come in!
Good evening, Niles.
Sir. I can't get you anything, can I, sir?
No, no, no.
Maybe just a Martini.
Extra dry?
Don't worry. By the time you get it, it will be evaporated.
You look stunning!
Just like Audrey Hepburn.
Oh, ho ho. Too bad I sound like Selma Diamond.
You ready?
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but... I can't go.
Why not?
Oh, because I'm this old softy,
and, well, I think you should take C.C.
But I want to take you.
All right, let's go.
Oh, no, no, no. I can't. I can't.
SYLVIA: ♪♪ Memories ♪♪
♪♪ Like the corner Of my mind ♪♪
Ma, knock it off!
Kitten, this is ridiculous.
C.C. doesn't even want to go.
Yes she does, because she wants to be with you,
but she's afraid to tell you that she wants to be with you,
because she thinks that you don't want to be with her.
SYLVIA: ♪♪ Misty Water-colored memories ♪♪ [DOG BARKING]
Ma,genug
You're starting the twilight bark!
I've tried to reach out to C.C.,
but she pushes me away.
She just doesn't want to be with me.
She does want to be with you, but she needs to know
that you want to be with her.
People...
People who need people are...
Ah, you'll see the concert.
You're very wise.
Aw...
[GASPS]
Daddy!
She also has her mother's timing.
C.C., open this door.
Your father and I are very concerned about you!
Go away!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Open up, young lady!
Niles, run and get a butter knife.
Oh, why don't we just starve her out?
Ma, use your nail.
Her nails can open anything--
letters, diaries, my old boyfriend's Chevy.
I never had any privacy as a child.
Got it! Acrylic.
C.C.-- I don't want to talk to you!
All right, I'm coming in.
Cover me.
[GASPS] Smoking?
Not in my house, young lady!
It's not your house,
and this is none of your business,
and while we're having this little girl talk...
[EMPHATICALLY] I loathe you.
At least you're opening up.
I want to talk to you about your father.
You have got to stop pushing people away!
I don't push people away!
Excuse me.
I'm trying to get some ash out of your hair.
People misunderstand me.
They think I'm a self-centered,
cold-hearted witch.
Is everything all right?
If they're like my Morty,
they could be in there for hours.
You know, Fran was right.
I should have spent more time with C.C. when she was little.
Oh, Miss Fine has this annoying way
of being right about those things.
Yeah, yeah.
Meanwhile, if, uh, you need another escort
for the concert,
this outfit goes from day to night
with just a few accessories.
I have the knife.
Oh, that's all right, Niles. We don't need it now.
[GRUMBLING]
The thing is...
I just don't know what to do!
Oh, there, there... That's okay.
Yeah.
[CRYING] Okay, shh, shh, shh.
That's all right.
Hello! Calling next of kin!
Aw, shh...
Yeah, here's your daddy.
Here's your daddy.
I have never seen her cry before.
Well, maybe the crash of '87.
Oh!
[WHISPERING] Ask her to the concert!
I would really love it
if, uh, you would come with me
to the concert tonight.
[TEARFULLY] You would?
Of course he would.
And, C.C., I think you're very lucky
to have a friend like Fran.
[WAILING] I know!
[SOBBING] She's wonderful.
She's going to let me wear her dress.
Bye! Have a good time!
Don't forget my Barbra program and my Barbra T-shirt
and my Barbra mug with the nose handle!
Oh...
Darling, you did a good thing.
An incredibly stupid thing...
Yeah, well, you're the one that had the doctors use forceps
when they delivered me.
The pain you caused me,
I would have let them use the jaws of life.
Miss Fine, that was a very lovely thing you did for C.C.
Aw...
And I'm about to follow your selfless example.
Oh, well, good, then you can be...
[VOICE BREAKING] As happy as I am.
Son... good news.
I've canceled my theater lecture
so I can take you to the ballgame.
Bad news, Dad. I made other plans.
But I thought it was really important to you.
No, I told you I didn't care.
Ah, but you didn't really mean that.
Yeah, I did.
I don't know how I could've made it any clearer.
Well, he did say it was no problem.
Miss Fine!
Don't be disappointed, Dad.
I'll go with you to another game.
The Mets aren't going anywhere.
That's for sure.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING THROUGH TELEPHONE]
♪♪ The way we... ♪♪
♪♪ Were... ♪♪
That is the best that Barbra ever sang that song.
I just love her.
I love her more.
I loved her first.
I'll love her last.
What? Oh, Ma, listen.
Stew says he's got a surprise for us.
STREISAND: Hello, gorgeous.
Why are we always arguing about who's her biggest fan?
There's plenty of room in Barbra's life for both of us.
Now, let's continue...
♪♪ Scattered pictures Of the smiles we left behind ♪♪
♪♪ Smiles we gave to one another ♪♪
[BARKING]
♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪
Don't you just love sitting around singing Barbra tunes?