No, Ma, we can't go to Sizzler.
Why? Because you're not welcome there anymore.
You took half the dessert bar home in your purse.
I know it's all you can eat...
at the restaurant!
All right, bye.
Oh, it's always the same thing with her on Mother's Day.
We always have to go where she wants to go.
Be grateful she just wanted you to take her to dinner.
My mother always insisted
I take her to Bath.
To Bath?
Oh, boy.
My Aunt Polly used to take her son Sheldon
in the tub with her until he was 6.
P.S. They both ended up on a very specialGeraldo.
Bath is a town in England.
Well, I don't care where you did it.
It's still weird.
Meanwhile, you want to know what I'm doing for my mother?
I got all the old home movies and I'm gonna put 'em on tape.
I only wish that they had sound so I could hear myself talk.
Be careful what you wish for.
Oh...
You know, I hate to bring this up,
but what do they do for Mother's Day around here?
We don't mention it.
Well, if you want my opinion...
I said, if you want my opinion...
Desperately.
I don't think it's normal.
I mean, they all act as if Sarah never existed.
You know, in my house,
if we didn't talk about the dead,
we'd have nothing to talk about...
except food.
Great thing about funerals. You get both.
Well, Mr. Sheffield likes to keep the children busy
so they don't get depressed.
Every year, he comes up with a new diversion.
Uh-huh. Well, you know, when I used to be down in the dumps,
my mom used to buy me a new Pez dispenser.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah. Great news.
We have just joined a country club.
That's nice too.
Yes, look, these facilities are
They even have a five-star chef.
Oh! Boy, reminds me of the Flamingo Beach Club.
Our chef used to make a roast beef. Mwah!
You'd never know the week before it came in ninth at Belmont.
♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
And this is the club room.
Oh, wow! Look at all this paneling.
Boy, half the dues must go to Lemon Pledge.
Ha ha!
I'm certainly glad we joined.
You know, this is a wonderful way
for a family all to be together. Mm-hmm.
I'm going to the video room, Dad.
I'm going go see the pool.
Have fun.
You're both out of the will.
It's a very family-oriented club.
We have lots of special activities to keep the children busy.
That's perfect.
It'll help take their mind off, uh...
You can say it.
We have a special event for Mother's Day.
Or she can.
A mother-daughter beauty pageant.
You two should sign up.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
No, I meant them.
Not that you're not attractive
in your own right.
Me and Ma went up for something like that once,
and we would have won too,
except she insisted on wearing a bikini.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Have you ever seen a hysterectomy scar from the '60s?
Daddy, can we be in the pageant?
Uh, well, no, sweetheart.
We-we already have plans for Sunday.
We do?
Yes, we have the Guggenheim,
the Radio City Music Hall,
Empire State Building,
Circle Line tour--
That's all?
Then lunch,
then the zoo, then the Statue of Liberty,
F.A.O. Schwarz--
Why don't you just chloroform them till Monday?
Well, while you two work it out,
I'll introduce Grace to some of the other children.
Okay, but I'm warning you,
I'm a loner.
What's your problem?
Miss Fine, the last thing Grace needs on Mother's Day
is to be reminded of her mother.
All right.
What, you think I'm wrong?
[MUMBLING]
So, you're agreeing with me?
[MUMBLING]
I can't understand a bloody word you're saying.
All I'm saying is that Grace is a little girl
who wants to be in a beauty pageant
and get all dolled up.
Now, if it doesn't bother her,
why should it bother you?
I just don't want to see Grace get hurt, that's all.
Well, they're aren't a lot
of pageant-related injuries,
except for that time Ellen Nackiman
spiked me with her six-inch heels.
But I got even.
I switched her hairspray for Pam.
She won anyway,
but she couldn't keep that crown on her head
for nothing.
They make luncheon meat in an aerosol?
No. You're thinking of Spam.
Oh.
That she would have noticed right away.
And now for my final trick,
I will saw my assistant in half.
Now, explain to me again
why you're the magician and I'm the assistant.
Because the beautiful woman is always the assistant.
Oh.
There's one born every minute.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Sure.
The instructions are somewhere around here.
I can't believe Dad's letting Gracie do this.
I can't believe I'm
No, I mean, being in the Mother's Day pageant.
Dad doesn't even like to talk about Mom.
What was she like?
Oh, she was really pretty.
She had the best laugh.
And she always liked to sing--
Off-key.
Aw...
Come on, are we gonna do this or what?
Found the instructions.
"Now take a knife and cut into even pieces."
Uh, wait a sec. Let me see that.
These are the instructions
for your Easy-Bake Oven.
Yes, but you'll serve eight.
Mm-hmm.
We'll just wing it.
Yes, what's the worst that can happen?
I don't know. Did you seeBoxing Helena?
No, but then, nobody did.
Abracadabra!
How was it for you?
Well, it's a little bit tingly,
but not altogether unpleasant.
Oh, Miss Grace,
this seems to be stuck on something.
Give her neck a pull.
Ah!
Now watch this.
Hey, hey, I'm getting a draft here.
Oh!
This is really weird.
It's just separation anxiety.
Oh, no.
How terrible.
What?
I've got a run in my stockings.
I'm telling you, Maxwell,
this whole mother-daughter beauty pageant
is a terrible idea.
On the other hand...
Keep her away from me!
Wait! Whoa! Get my other half!
Well, now, this is really very impressive. Thanks.
I hope I'm not gonna have to pay you time and a half.
Where are the swords we plunge in?
That's a different trick.
It doesn't have to be.
All right, all right, put me together, you guys.
I can't find the instructions.
Well, here's a thought.
Help her look!
Why don't we go for a little spin?
Wheeeeee!
Hee hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha ha!
All right,
you've had your fun.
Now I'm getting annoyed,
and a little nauseous.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Let's get you some fresh air.
What?
Whoa!
[CRASHES]
Ow!
[FRAN LAUGHING]
Everyone's so nice here.
That lady never stops smiling.
Oh, I know.
I think she's probably had
one too many facelifts.
Did you see that bow in the back of her head?
It was her ears.
So what do we do first?
Well, let's psyche out the competition.
Come on, let's kick some country club butt.
Uh-oh. Don't look now.
Breck girl at nine o'clock.
And a No-More-Tears babe bringing up the rear.
Oh, they're making the first move.
Act confident. Chest out.
It is out.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Fran, and this is Gracie.
I'm Bobbie Jo, and this is my daughter Betty Jo.
Oh.
How are things at Petticoat Junction?
So, is this your first beauty pageant?
Hardly. Yours?
Oh, afraid not.
Miss Sun Belt, 1982.
'83, Miss Manny, Moe, and Jack.
'84, Miss Leon County.
'85, Miss Union Turnpike.
'87, finalist, Miss Universe.
Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?
Good luck.
Thanks.
You'll need it.
Well, they're tough, but we'll get them
in the talent competition.
Well, they're talented,
but those big calves, they're gonna cost them.
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Oh!
Oh, aren't they wonderful?
They've won the last three years in a row.
Well, it's a catchy tune,
but can you dance to it?
Wait till they see our magic act.
Forget it. Nothing's getting me back into that box.
Why not?
Because you left me in there forever,
plus I had an itch on my foot.
Why didn't you scratch it?
It was in another room.
We're gonna have to switch to plan B.
What's that?
Call Gilooly.
Oh, look at those women over there,
sucking up to the judges.
Oh, I'll tell you, it is so demeaning.
Whoops! A spot just opened up.
Excuse me.
Trust no one.
Hi.
I hate beauty pageants, don't you?
I'm not supposed to talk to anyone.
Why?
I just want to be your friend.
Your mom's real pretty.
Thanks, but she's not my mom.
She's my nanny.
See ya.
Oh, well, if nothing else,
we've got a lock on Miss Congeniality.
This woman should not be allowed to compete in the pageant.
She's a fake.
I'm a fake?
Let she who is without silicon
cast the first stone.
Listen, you are not this child's mother.
You're her nanny.
Yeah, so?
Well, this is a mother/daughter pageant.
Well, we're very close.
So what if she's not my mother?
What's the difference?
It's against the rules.
I don't have a mother. She died.
Oh, boy.
You will stop at nothing.
Don't ever go out for cheerleader.
Niles! Sir?
Planning on running away to join the circus?
Why would I do that, sir?
Well, you were juggling.
Juggling, sir?
Niles, I just saw you with my own eyes.
Is there something I can do for you, sir?
Well, you can start by admitting you were juggling.
That will never happen, sir.
Now I forgot what I came in here for.
All right, let's see. I was in the office with C.C., and, uh...
Oh, yes, I was trying to get away from C.C.
You know, she can be so trying this time of year.
She keeps reminding me not to think about Sarah.
I don't know how she can be so insensitive?
Sir, the woman would invite the Clintons
to go white-water rafting.
C.C.: Oh, Maxwell...
There you are. I have been all over for-- you!
[THUNK]
C.C.!
Oh, dear. Now, how did that get there?
I'm terribly sorry, C.C. Are you all right?
You know, if I've told those children once,
I've told them a million times
not to leave their fruit lying around the house.
Gracie!
Oh, hello, Mr. Sheffield.
What's wrong with Gracie?
Uh, she has to go to the bathroom real bad?
Miss Fine.
Mm...
Well, Gracie is all upset
because some nutcase woman made a big stink
just because I'm not her mother,
and then, well, Gracie had to say
that she doesn't have a mother,
and it kind of went downhill from there.
Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant
has turned into a complete disaster.
Niles, break out the bubbly.
You have no power here.
Be gone before someone drops a house on you.
I just knew this was a bad idea.
I should have trusted my instincts.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't blame yourself.
I don't.
Sweetheart?
Can we talk to you for a minute?
No, I'm busy.
You're doing a beautiful job there,
except dolly's beginning to look
a little like Sinead O'Connor.
Sweetheart, I made a mistake.
I should never have let you enter that pageant.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's all my fault.
Your father didn't want us to enter, but I wouldn't listen.
I was just too busy talking. I do that sometimes.
I just talk and talk and talk--
Miss Fine. What?
You're doing it.
Oh, right. Well, I'm going to stop now--
the talking, not the listening.
The listening I'm gonna keep on doing.
It's the talking I'm gonna stop.
Okay, I've stopped. Go ahead.
Thank you.
Sweetheart, I do understand how you feel--
all those other girls with their mommies.
It's just reminded you how much you miss yours.
But that's what's wrong. I don't miss her.
You don't?
No.
I don't remember her.
Oh.
Oh...
Gracie. Come here.
Brighton and Maggie do, but I can't.
Is that bad?
Oh, no, of course not, sweetheart.
They're older than you.
But how come you never talk about her?
Well, because sometimes it's very...
difficult for Daddy.
Oh.
You can't remember her either?
Oh, no, sweetheart, I remember everything.
I remember the first time I saw her.
I remember her sweetness and her laugh.
I especially remember how much she loved you.
She did?
Oh, more than anything.
And I should never have let you forget that.
I was just trying to protect you,
and I suppose myself.
Can you forgive me?
It's okay, Daddy.
[BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY]
Well, at least now
you two can remember her together.
Do you think that Mommy would want me
to be in the pageant?
I think she would want whatever you want.
I want to do it.
Me and Fran are gonna kick some country-club butt.
Oy! I don't know where she gets these things.
And next, we have our newest members,
Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield, doing...
Well, I'm not exactly sure what they're doing,
but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
FRAN: ♪♪ Anything You could do ♪♪
♪♪ I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything better than you ♪♪ GRACIE: ♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪ ♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could be I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ Sooner or later I'm greater than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I am Yes, I am! ♪♪
♪♪ I can Jump a hurdle ♪♪
♪♪ I can Wear a girdle ♪♪
♪♪ I can Knit a sweater ♪♪
♪♪ I can Fill it better ♪♪
♪♪ I can Do most anything ♪♪
♪♪ Can you bake a pie? ♪♪
♪♪ No ♪♪ ♪♪ Neither can I ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could do I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything Better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No you can't ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I can Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Yes... I... ♪♪
♪♪ Can... ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
Frannie!
Hurray, Gracie!
Thank you. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Thank you.
Bravo!
BRIGHTON: Bravo!
Encore!
Here, sweetie.
Oh, yeah, yeah. What?
Oh! Oh, aren't you Patti LaBelle?
I love you.
Well, I love you too. You were great out there, girl.
Oh, thanks. The judges really appreciate a class act.
I know they do.
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to pick up my--
Hi, Mommy! Sweetie.
Oh!
Oy!
Come on, baby. We're up next.
Good luck. Goodbye.
Like she needs luck. She's a professional.
Don't these contests have rules?
They bent the rules for us.
Oh, whose side are you on anyway?
♪♪ Runnin' hot ♪♪
♪♪ Runnin' cold ♪♪
♪♪ I was runnin' at you Overload ♪♪
♪♪ It was extreme ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
♪♪ Hey ♪♪
♪♪ Well ♪♪
♪♪ That's when the wires Got crossed ♪♪
♪♪ The tables were turned ♪♪
♪♪ I never knew I had such a lesson to learn ♪♪
♪♪ I'm feelin' good From my head ♪♪
♪♪ To my shoes ♪♪
♪♪ Know where I'm goin' ♪♪
♪♪ And I know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ I started up my-- ♪♪
What do you have, darling?
♪♪ I got a new attitude ♪♪
♪♪ Whoo ♪♪
Is she is fabulous.
You know, I'm her biggest fan.
Oh, I'll tell you, if they don't come in second,
there's no justice.
Thank you.
Aren't you ever gonna take that stupid sash off?
No.
Oh, leave her alone.
How many times in your life
do you become first runner-up in a beauty pageant?
Counting this one, 12.
Well, here they are,
The Fine family home movies.
Oh, when my mother sees these, she's just going toplotz.
These are you from the olden days?
Yes, if you keep your eyes peeled,
you may see a stegosaurus in the background.
MAGGIE: Oh, is that adorable!
FRAN: Oh, look at my mother.
NILES: Her hair was much smaller then.
As her hips got wider, so did her hair.
Kind of a balancing act.
BRIGHTON: Oh, my. You're in a hurry.
FRAN: There must have been a sale somewhere.
Oh, you're already watching something.
Oh, that's okay. That's okay.
We're just watching some adorable shots of me,
but I made you all copies, so...
What's that, Daddy?
It's a special Mother's Day gift for all of us.
Watch it carefully. Here it comes.
Oh!
Yeah!
Boy, I was a real jerk back then.
Sorry, Maggie.
Move it or lose it.
I'm gonna get you!
I did my best.
[GROANS]
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, your first flop.
NILES: We worked on that spontaneous wave for hours.
[FRAN CHUCKLING]
FRAN: Mm. Aw...
Gracie, that's you, angel.
MAGGIE: Oh, there's Mom.
[♪♪♪]
I remember that.
♪♪ Anything you could do I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything Better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Can't ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes, I c-- ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could be I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ I could be greater-- ♪♪
Oh, I'm sorry. I screwed it up.
♪♪ Anything you could be I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ I could be-- ♪♪ Ooh, I'm sorry.
Oy! I always get stuck on that same lyric.