Niles and Brighton...
This is Maggie's.
Oh.
Hoo-ha, Mr. Sheffield!
Guess again.
Well, that's way more than I needed to know about him.
Oh, hi, kids.
How you doing on your science project?
Ask Brooke. She's the genius.
I'm just the dumb blond.
Oh...
Me and Val used to do science projects together.
What's yours about?
Stress in the earth's igneous layers
and its effects on geological topography.
Oh. We grew potatoes on toothpicks.
Did you know that if you squeeze coal really hard
it turns into a diamond?
Oh, not true.
One summer, me and Val
went through a whole bag of Kingsford briquettes
trying for earrings.
No luck, huh?
No way. But to this day, I got a handshake like Lou Ferrigno.
Oh, Brighton...
Do you have a date for the seventh-grade dance?
Yeah, I got a couple of irons in the fire,
put out a few feelers.
Yeah. Neither do I.
I'll probably just go all by myself
and stand alone on the side
with all the other wallflowers.
Oh, good. So you're covered.
Yeah.
[WATCH CHIMES]
Excuse me. I have to take my allergy pill.
Oh, what are you allergic to, honey?
Everything but pollen.
Ow! Fran, I am not asking her to the dance.
All right.
You're not gonna say anything?
It's not my place.
God will punish you.
Fran, Look at her with those braids.
She looks like Alfalfa.
And with those allergies, she's always so nasal.
[IN USUAL NASAL TONE]: Hey!
A lot of men find that very alluring.
Maybe you're right.
If I don't ask her to the dance,
she might get upset, and...
There goes my automatic A in science.
Well, as long as his heart's in the right place.
Mm-hm-hm-hm.
Oh, I remember my first dance.
I went with Richie Schneider.
He had two left feet.
Oh, bit of a klutz, eh?
No. He had two left feet.
Some freak thing.
His mother was an X-ray technician.
I'm confused. Could he dance or not?
Actually, he was an excellent dancer...
except when they did the hokey-pokey
and they said, "put your left foot in."
[SIGHS]
Poor boy went down like a ton of bricks.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door She was there to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that The girl we've described
♪♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
BOY: So, Sheffield,
who are you gonna take to the dance?
Oh, just an old friend.
FRAN: Oh, hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late, sweetie.
I didn't have a pass,
and that hall monitor's a real little nazi.
Whoa, Sheffield! Way to go.
No, she's the nanny...
but, you know, she wants me.
What?
Wants me to go to the orthodontist.
Mm-hmm. Come on.
Hi, Brighton.
Oh, no.
It's the Brooke-worm.
[RETCHING]: Brooke.
I'm glad you're still here.
I fell in the AV room
and had to get a Band-Aid for my glasses.
Plus, my inhaler clogged.
Honey, honey. Men like a little mystery.
Don't share.
Ah.
Okay, Fran, let's go. Brighton, wait.
My father wants to know
if he should drive us on Friday.
What are you talking about?
You asked me to the dance.
Look, I don't know what's in that inhaler,
but I wouldn't operate heavy machinery.
Brighton!
Oh, forget it.
Oh, Brooke. [WHEEZING]
Brighton, that was very mean.
Now look what you've done.
You made her wheeze.
Brighton, I am so disappointed in you.
Fran, you've been yelling at me
since 68th street.
Are you gonna keep it up the whole way?
No. As soon as we pass Bergdorf's,
I'm gonna start slapping you.
Fran, it was no big deal.
Don't you know what happens to young girls
when you torture them in high school?
Oh, we're going to the video store,
and I'm renting you Carrie.
All right, all right. I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah. But you know, there's--
it's too late to do anything about it now.
No, it's never too late to right a wrong
that you've done to another human being.
Yeah. Unless, of course, that human being
has been shattered
into a million miserable pieces.
Yeah, right.
Uh, I'll work alone here.
Your behavior could scar that little girl
for the rest of her life.
And you should know.
Hypocrite.
Let me guess.
You don't survive on tips, do you,
Mr., uh,
"Aziz Muh-huh-huah-a-ala."
Oy.
I share the cab.
Oh. "Jeffrey Needleman."
Jeffrey Needleman?
Yeah. Let me give you a hint, okay?
Picture me crammed in a locker
with a wedgie
and a "kick me" sign on my forehead.
"Kick me" signs go on your back.
Yeah. They wanted me to see it coming.
This guy's the most pathetic loser
on earth.
Oh...
Jeffrey Needleman!
Oh, Jeffrey,
what have you been doing since high school?
Shock therapy.
Oh. Well.
Nice to see things are picking up for you.
So, in other words,
you guys went to high school together,
and you tortured him.
[CACKLES]
I'm not the only one that tortured him.
The whole school did.
It was a requirement.
Got you out of taking a foreign language class.
Oh, Fran, I am so disappointed in you.
All right, okay. That's enough.
You're right. It's not my place.
God
You know, I remember you saying
that you'd go out with me that Sunday.
I said "someday!"
Someday. And that was only because
you were standing out on a ledge.
Is it someday yet?
Oh, I don't know, Jeffrey. I'm so busy.
I really don't know when I'll find the time.
Hey, you're free Saturday. It's your day off.
Yes, that's true,
but I might have to go visit
that poor little boy in the hospital,
after that unfortunate
high heel to the butt accident.
Come on, Fran!
You're gonna be late for your date.
The meter's running.
I don't feel 100 percent.
Do I sound like I'm coming down with a cold?
Constantly.
No, I mean it.
See if I have a temperature.
Oh, not the old thermometer under a light bulb trick.
Brighton, please.
A hundred and twelve, Miss Fine.
Damn halogen lamps.
Fran, I'm very proud of you for going through with this.
It's never too late to right a wrong.
Why aren't you under a blanket with a flashlight
readingNational Geographic like a normal kid?
Oh, Maxwell, please, I'm begging you.
It'll only take a couple of minutes.
You don't even have to like it.
There's a speech she knows by heart.
C.C., you know my policy.
I never read plays written by friends...
or relatives,
or that Broadway bon vivant,
your psychiatrist.
But I told him you would read it,
and I don't want to risk offending him.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough.
Oh, good. Maybe he'll find a personality we like.
I'm terribly sorry, C.C.,
but I simply don't do business favors
for friends.
Well, I have to agree with Mr. Sheffield
on that one.
I have an Uncle Aaron...
[ALL GROANING]
He manufactured hernia trusses,
and he gave one to his friend, Murray.
Well. P.S., he put it on backwards-- Murray
--and cut off his circulation.
Double amputation.
And I'm not talking about his legs.
Miss Fine, isn't this your day off?
Um, yeah,
but I decided that I owe you
for that Jewish holiday that I made up.
You mean there is no Matzo Day?
Nuh-uh.
Well, we forgive you. Just go on your date.
Oh, yes, by all means. Go have fun.
Oh, no, no, no. I have to-- Here--
I have to take Gracie to her ballet class.
Oh, no. I'm taking her. Oh.
Yeah, she's got a crush on my teacher big time.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, he is so cute and talented.
You should see his impersonation of Liza
I'm gonna have to have a talk with her.
Good afternoon. I'm here to meet a man.
Might I suggest happy hour
at the Black Angus?
Ooh!
Oh, Oh. I'm so sorry.
Oh. Never mind. That's him.
Oh, Franny. Oh. Oh, look at you.
You look "scrump-dilly-icious."
[LAUGHS]
He's a war hero.
Here you are, my good man. Your best table.
Save it.
You may want to do laundry later.
Here we go.
Thank you.
What?
Oh, no, no! I brought one for you too.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
That's very sweet,
but I don't think I'd be comfortable
sitting on wooden balls.
Least not on the first date.
I'm telling you, you drive a cab,
everybody thinks you're invisible.
You know how many men pick their nose? Huh?
I don't know. I can't say. No, take a guess.
Go ahead, give it a shot. Give it a shot.
One out of five.
Jeffrey, you're such a raconteur.
Oh, I got a million stories.
You shouldn't waste them all on me.
You should write some of this stuff down.
Actually, I have. Oh.
I wrote a play.
Oh, isn't that a coincidence?
I happen to work for a Broadway...
bus driver.
A bus driver who can afford a nanny?
Oh-- Unions.
Ooh! Oh, I almost forgot. Here.
Oh. I brought this for you.
Jeffrey, you didn't have to get me...
a blue-frost eye-shadow kit.
That's your blue-frost eye-shadow kit.
You remember, Mrs. Barnett confiscated it from you in homeroom?
I swiped it from her desk.
And you saved it all these years.
Oh. Isn't that sweet, Jeffrey...
and yet, oddly disturbing.
You know what would make me the happiest man on earth?
What?
Look, I know you didn't want to do it with me
in high school, but I-I was hoping that you'd changed your mind.
I-- I doubt it.
Oh, what the hell.
Why don't we do it right here on the floor?
Check, please!
Come on, Fran. Do the hustle!
[INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "I WILL SURVIVE" PLAYING]
What? Come on, please. Dance with me.
Oh, Jeffrey.
I don't think I remember the hustle anymore.
[BOTH CLAP]
[CLAP]
[DOUBLE CLAP]
Hoo, hoo. Hoo, hoo.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[APPLAUSE]
[GIGGLES]
Oh...
Jeffrey.
I think I pulled a hustle muscle.
That was fantastic.
Thank you. I-I have a great partner over at Arthur Murray.
She's 82, but, boy, can she turn the beat around.
[GIGGLES]
You know, Jeffrey, this wasn't such a bad date after all.
Good. Marry me.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Huh?
You're kidding, aren't you?
Please.
Oh, Jeffrey...
it's incredibly flattering,
and I hope you don't take this the wrong way...
Jeffrey, Jeffrey, don't jump.
[HORNS HONKING]
Did he pay the check? Mm.
Jeffrey, don't jump.
You have too much to live for!
Yeah? Yeah? Name one thing.
Give me a minute.
[SIGHS] Goodbye.
No, Jeffrey, wait!
[GASPS]
He jumped?
No. I leaned on pigeon poop.
I mean it. I'm gonna jump.
Jeffrey, please. I'll do whatever you say.
Sleep with me.
What's your second choice?
Another date.
Uh, what else you got?
Uh, okay, fine. That's it.
No, Jeffrey. Wait. Wait!
Maybe you should take off your heels.
Are you crazy?
That would screw up my balance completely!
[BREATHING QUICKLY]
Oh. Oh, my God!
Jeffrey, look how high up we are.
Oh, Jeffrey. I'm scared. Hold my hand! Hold my hand.
I'm gonna jump!
Let go of my hand! Let go of my hand!
Oh, Jeffrey.
Look at all those people down there staring up at us.
You wearing underwear?
Of course I am!
Jeffrey, please, let's go inside.
No. No, if I can't have you,
I have no reason to live.
Sure, you do.
You've got friends. None.
Family. Estranged.
A dog. Bit me.
I know. Your writing.
Oh, yeah. That's a dead end.
Nobody's gonna read my play.
In this town, you have to know somebody.
I know somebody.
I work for Maxwell Sheffield, the big Broadway producer.
I thought you worked for a bus driver.
Uh, bus driver and Broadway producer.
Well, he wasn't gonna give up that pension.
I don't mean to be negative here,
but I don't think this spud
is gonna get us an A.
I don't need an A. I always get an A.
I want to see what a D feels like.
Oh, you're mad about the dance.
And they say I'm the genius.
Look, Brooke, we've been friends for a long time now.
Why do things have to change?
I'm a woman now. I have needs.
Yeah, well, I have needs too.
I need an A in science. Oh.
MAXWELL: Oh, hello, Brooke.
Men!
Women!
What was that all about?
Why do girls have to take everything so personally?
Well, women are just different from us, son.
They're-- They're more emotional.
I mean, when I get a bad review,
I don't run crying to Niles and say, "I need a hug."
Well, there was that one time in New Haven...
That review was scathing! Mm.
Thanks, guys. Big help.
Oh, Fran,
I feel really guilty about Brooke.
Oh, honey, take her, don't take her.
Do whatever you want to do.
Okay, I'll just grow up by myself.
Fran, Fran.
Fran, You like my makeup?
Uh-huh. Gracie's ballet teacher did it for me.
Oh.
Ballet teacher and makeup artist.
Honey, we're definitely gonna have to have a talk.
Just not now, okay?
I'm in a terrible hurry.
It was not a hug. It was a pat on the back.
I'd just had a particularly horrid review
and was looking for a little understanding.
You wept openly, sir,
and it was very uncomfortable for me.
It was 1972.
We were all getting in touch with our feelings.
Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield!
We got a crisis on our hands.
Don't crumble, sir.
Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
Well, technically, I still am.
Oh. How's it going?
Oh, I've had better. I've had worse.
It's...kind of up in the air.
Why didn't you take my emergency call?!
Because the last time
you had the operator break through,
it was to tape The Bold and Beautiful.
Well, Storm was about to marry Stephanie!
So, what's the problem?
She's his mother.
Miss Fine, I believe you mentioned something about a crisis.
Oh, yeah! My date is about to kill himself!
Hm. You didn't tell him the hernia story, did you?
Or Aunt Frida's liposuction mishap?
Uncle Jack's dependence on vino?
No! I'm serious.
Uh, you have to read his play.
It's a matter of life and death.
Maxwell, if she gets to show you hers,
I get to show you mine.
Oh, that ain't worth it. Let him jump.
Let who jump?
My date! He is standing out on a ledge.
He's about to kill himself!
My God, this is terrible!
I'll say! Well, not a total loss.
The Clams Casino are to die for.
See, the-- Not now, Brighton.
But I-- Later, honey!
But it's really important.
I need to talk to someone now!
Aunt C.C.'s still here.
It can wait.
Then she said, "I'm sorry,"
and...
[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]
Wait. I'm not through yet. Miss--
Miss Fine, there is some urgency here.
[MUMBLING]
Okay.
Come on. Is he through yet?
I'm freezing out here.
Well, you know what you could do.
You could come in!
You're ri-- Uh, n-- Uh, no. Nice try.
Here. I'm through with the soup.
You want a sweet?
Uh, no. No. Gotta watch my weight.
What's the matter? You're afraid you're gonna make a bigger hole?
All right. What do you got?
Uh...they got a tarte Tatin,
a Linzer Torte.
Oh, this looks good.
You know, uh-- You got any chocolate cake?
No.
I don't hear laughing.
[LAUGHS]
Really? Really? Which part? Which part?
The funny part.
He hates it.
Oh, what are you listening to him for?
He passed onCats.
It was singing pussycat people...
in a giant garbage can.
I mean, what would you have done?
Two words, Mr. Sheffield:
Still running.
Besides, Jeffrey, why do you always care
what everybody else thinks?
Why, you don't think I should?
Hey!
It's a brilliant play.
Oh, come on, Mr. Sheffield.
You don't have to lay it on so thick.
No. No, no, no. I-I mean it.
[TAPS TABLE] I'm going to option it.
Did you hear that, Jeffrey?
He's gonna buy your play! All ri--
Aah! No!
[CRASH]
JEFFREY: I'm all right. I'm all
My God, he landed
right in that huge mountain of garbage.
Oh, boy, is he lucky we live in New York.
Oh, B,
you look so handsome.
Smile.
[WINDS CAMERA]
Oh, you and Brooke are gonna be
the cutest couple at the dance.
Yeah, but the guys are gonna shred me.
Oh, honey, you just remember
that you're more mature than they are.
You just walk in there and hold your head up high.
Look them square in the eye
and say, "So's your mother."
So, Brighton,
your first date alone with a girl, hm?
Is there, uh, anything we need to talk about?
Dad, please. I'm going out with Brooke.
So you don't have any questions?
Yeah. Why am I going out with Brooke?
[DOORBELL RINGS] Oh. How do I look?
Oh. Great. Here you go.
Thank you.
MAXWELL: Oh...
Wow.
Hi, Brighton.
Wow.
Are you ready to go, Brighton?
Just one second.
Dad, can we have that talk?
Go on, son. You'll be just fine.
See? You did the right thing,
and God smiled on you.
God, Maybelline,
and half a box of Kleenex.
[CLICKS]
Thanks, Fran.
Fran, how do I look?
Ravishing, as always.
Oh, good, because I'm going to pick up Gracie
from ballet class.
Oh, her teacher is so gorgeous.
I don't know who's cuter, him or his roommate, Chuck.
Chuck, huh?
Honey, it's time we had that little talk.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Huh?
Oh.
[WHISPERS]
Oh!
[CHUCKLES] Oh. Oh.
Get ready.
[INSTRUMENTAL "I WILL SURVIVE" PLAYING]
[ALL CLAP]
[CLAP]
Yeah.
[CLAP]
[DOUBLE CLAP]
ALL: Hoo, hoo.