Oh, I'll tell you, these personals are such a joke.
Look at this, "single white female."
That could mean anyone from Madonna to Janet Reno.
Oh, here's one, "exotic good looks."
I'm seeing a depilatory problem.
I ask you, what kind of a loser
shells out 200 bucks for one of these?
How do you know how much it costs?
Uh, Niles, clean up that mess.
What mess?
That one.
Mm, sweetie, don't forget your RSVP
for Jody's slumber party.
I don't wanna go. Why not?
Sweetie, you get to eat like a pig,
make phony phone calls and throw your guts up.
It's a very special time in a little girl's life.
Sure, it sounds like fun.
But I don't know if I can sleep without my bear.
So take Teddy with you.
Everybody will make fun of me.
You have no idea how cruel children can be.
Honey, I've had this voice since the second grade.
Need I say more?
I just don't know if I can sleep alone.
Oh, don't worry.
You get used to it.
[THEME SONG PLAYS]
♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would've guessed That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, look, here's a gem.
"Young bi couple. Digs snakes.
Contact Yoni. P.O. Box 666.
No weirdos."
[LAUGHING]
Niles, move it with the food.
These society women are vultures.
Where's the pâté?
Why don't you just lie on the floor
and let them peck at your liver.
This luncheon is very important.
These women are deciding between contributing to our show
and the Children's Milk Fund.
I don't want any thirsty little brats
beating me out of that money.
Fran, I need a favor.
Billy Hartwell wants to take me to a concert.
Oh, great. What concert?
You wouldn't know 'em.
Maggie, how old do you think I am?
The Stone Temple Pilots.
I'm 100.
So, what, you want me to ask your father if you can go?
And, uh...
The concert's kind of sold out.
So could you ask him if he could get us tickets too?
Oh, sure, Mags.
You want backstage passes, fake IDs,
the whole "fat chance" package?
Thanks, Fran.
I don't know what they expect from me.
These are hands, not wands. - Mm-hm.
Although they have performed magic in their day.
[CHUCKLES]
Niles, you know what those women pay
to get that stuff suckedout them?
I beg your pardon.
Ms. Babcock specifically requested fat-free cream puffs.
Oh, come on. This is loaded with butter, eggs and heavy cream.
There's enough cholesterol in there to kill 'em.
Oh, really?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ladies...
it is my very great pleasure
to introduce my very dear, very close personal friend,
Maxwell Sheffield.
[APPLAUSE]
Who are these boring, dreadful women again?
The wives of very rich men.
Ladies!
[FRAN SHRIEKS] Brighton!
[BRIGHTON HOOTS] - Brighton, give her back
that damn bear, you little--!
Oh. Hello.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Fake Chanel.
Kathy Marie O'Malley?
Oh, my God!
I'm terribly sorry. Do I know you?
Kathy, it's me, Fran Fine, from Flushing High.
Wow, they did a great job on your teeth.
Look, your chin comes forward and everything.
[SHE GASPS] I don't know--
And, oh, you finally got yourself a pair of--
This is Katherine Porter
of the Park Avenue Porters.
Now, if I let you breathe again,
will yougo away?
Promise?
[BOTH EXHALE]
I hope those are saline because--
Hey, hey, hey. Stop, stop.
Why do you have to act so crude for
at such a fancy party?
Well, I'm just kidding around.
Yeah, well, have a little class.
Now, go help Niles clear.
Remember, I got dibs on all leftovers
with no cigarette butts.
You know, Brighton's right.
I can't live without my bear.
Let's face it, I'm co-dependent, and Teddy's my enabler.
Sweetie... I know it's tough.
I've had to wean myself off of lots of stuff -
caffeine, cigarettes,
my ex-boyfriend, Danny.
And that was really tough.
Every time somebody burped garlic, I got a craving.
Well, Fran, I'll try.
Oh, good girl.
But I'm gonna miss his furry little body.
That's the same way I felt about Danny.
Hi. Are the leftovers ready yet?
Yeah, help yourself. VAL: Mm, thank you.
Take that one. Just eat around the lipstick.
Oh, you are never gonna guess
who is at the party out there.
Kathy Marie O'Malley.
Get outta here. Are you sure?
Yeah. - Does she still have the shag?
No, and she's nowhere without it.
Has she aged?
Like a bowl of fruit.
Has she had any work done?
More than L.A. after the quake.
Meow Mix, ladies?
Excuse me, could somebody please point me to the powder room?
Ah, yeah, sure.
'Cause I busted outta gym class,
and I'm dying for a smoke!
[ALL SHRIEK]
Oh, Kathy. I knew it was you!
I was just telling Val how gorgeous you look. Oh.
So, what's with the act?
Ah, what about Mr. French over there?
Oh, Niles? Oh, you can trust him.
He's like Schultz.
[GERMAN ACCENT] I know nuh-thing. Nuh-thing.
So, what are you doing here?
Oh, I married up.
[VAL GASPS] Wow.
What are you doing here?
I'm the nanny.
Oh.
What? Mm, nothing.
You know, I mean, it's just, yeah, everybody thought
you were really going places.
Oh, well, I showed them.
You remember Val.
Uh, I'm blank.
Oh, sure you do.
Remember when we all used to go to Rye Beach Playland?
Val would get up early
and stand in a parking spot until we'd get there.
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
Those were the days. Oh, yeah.
So how did you meet Mr. Right?
I sued him.
Wow, how romantic.
He rear-ended me.
I'm not into that.
Now
You know, my husband has a partner.
Oh, Franny, you should meet him. He's loaded.
Oh, no, I couldn't date anyone just because he was rich.
What are you, prejudiced?
You're gonna hold it against him
because he's got two Ferraris?
Oh, well. It's not really his fault.
[SINGSONGY] A house in Monte Carlo?
When did I get so intolerant?
A private jet and a diamond mine.
Oh, you're right. I'm a bigot.
I should be ashamed of myself.
I'm gonna have to work through it.
I can't believe I'm going on this date.
I mean, the man is a millionaire.
I'm just a simple girl...
with simple tastes.
Where's my other earring?
I'm changing the bulb.
Fran, can you ask dad about the concert before you leave?
I'll die if I don't find out tonight.
Oh, well, we wouldn't want that to happen.
I'd get paid less with only two kids.
[SINGSONG] Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
[SINGSONGY] No.
Oh, all right. Forget it.
Fran?
Oh, no, Maggie, give it up.
I mean, he can't get you those tickets.
He doesn't have those kind of connections.
I beg your pardon!
I can get tickets to any show on Broadway.
Oh, Broadway. Sure, of course.
I mean, you know, if she wants to go see
Ann Miller inSugar Babies,
you'll be the first one we call.
But this is the rock world, you know.
I mean, it's way out of your sphere.
I'll have you know I was staging
happenings on Carnaby Street
while you were still scouring the semi-annual clearance sale
at Toys"R"Us.
Does the word "Donovan" mean anything to you?
Oh. I loved him.
♪They call me Mellow Yellow
Quite rightly.
Ah-ha!
[GIGGLES]
[EXHALES]
Meanwhile, explain to me Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.
"The girl with colitis goes by"?
I always thought that was very distasteful.
That's "the girl with kaleidoscope eyes", Miss Fine.
Ohh!
Leave it to Flushing to turn a beautiful image
into a bowel dysfunction.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, don't you worry, Maggie.
I will get you those tickets.
♪Electrical banana...
Mm.
Let's hope that's not hereditary.
Thank you so much, Fran. That was awesome.
Oh, well, I might be old,
but the noodle is still sharp as a tack.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, my God, Nanny Fine,
don't tell me you're wearing that cheap, tacky dress
to meet Richard Porter's oldest friend.
I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
You'd have to be dead six months to fit into it.
Wow, this could be the man of my dreams.
He could be handsome.
He could be sexy.
Or he could be my grandfather.
How do you do? I'm Theodore Timmons.
When you said he was Richard Porter's oldest friend,
you weren't kidding.
Theo, I'm Fran. [HE CHUCKLES]
[SHE CHUCKLES] Hi. - I hope you're not disappointed.
I know I'm not. [LAUGHS]
Please, come in. Sit down.
I couldn't decide between flowers and candy.
Oh, well, isn't that the old-age question--?
Age-old! Age-old.
You're a-- a beautiful young woman.
Oh, well... Be still, my heart.
Not too still. [LAUGHS]
Theo, stop.
Whoops, don't fall!
My God, what on earth are all these flowers for?
Either Miss Fine's date with Mr. Timmons
went extremely well,
or he died, and we're hosting the wake.
Oh, poor thing.
And she was so looking forward to this date.
I just hope he isn't using her to get to her bone marrow.
[BOTH LAUGH]
All right. Decorum. Mm-hm.
She's probably humiliated enough
without walking in and finding us laughing at her.
Yeah, you're right.
Poor thing.
[CHEERFULLY] Good morning, everyone.
Oh, would you look at
all these flowers for a handshake?
What do you get for a goodnight kiss? Holland?
What?
♪Bam-pa-pa-pum
Ms. Fine, aren't you a little overdressed for breakfast?
Oh, well, obviously, you've never been to morning services
at Temple Emanu-El.
I, uh, take it the date was acrowning
[BOTH CHUCKLE] [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Thank you, Shecky Sheffield.
Actually, it went a lot better than I expected it to.
For starters, he lived through it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
All right, so he's a little more mature than I'm used to.
Mature? Fran, we're talking Encino Man.
Does he at least have a good body?
Oh, honey, you know Fabio?
Put his feet on Burgess Meredith.
Well, I'm glad to see
you're not taking this too seriously.
Who said I wasn't?
He happens to be very sweet, very witty,
and just full of cash-- I mean, life.
[SIGHS] I don't know.
He just makes me feel young.
Miss Fine, he'd make Stonehenge feel young.
Uh, you know, Maggie,
uh, Theo owns a couple of recording labels.
Maybe he could get you those tickets to the concert.
I said I'd get those tickets, and get them I shall.
Maybe he could get you backstage passes?
Backstage? I'll get her on the stage.
They'll even break a bloody guitar over her blasted head.
Cool!
Ms. Fine, Mr. Timmons to see you.
FRAN: Oh.
Sheffield, I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast,
but I, uh-- I just had to see my baby doll.
[GIGGLING] Oh.
Well, I guess I'm the only baby doll here.
Oh, Theo.
I had the sweetest dreams last night,
and they were all about you.
[GIGGLING] Oh, Theo, stop.
Whoa! [LAUGHS]
You were covered in diamonds, kiddo.
Oh, Theo, you are so extravagant.
But really, let's get to know each other first.
Honestly, a good conversation to me is worth
more than all the jewels in the world.
You wanna have dinner in Paris?
Enough said.
Talk about elegance.
This is the first time I've ever been in a toilet on a
where I didn't feel I was gonna be sucked out over the Atlantic
[LAUGHS] - Thank you
Say, are they even gonna say two words to us?
I mean, how am I gonna get to know Theo better?
Franny, leave him alone.
Every minute they don't talk to us,
they make another million.
Well, money is nice,
but there are more important things than--
Is that lobster?
Hey, babe. Not now, I'm eatin'.
Aren't you gonna eat too?
Nah, I'm gonna nap.
How could you nap with $19.95 a pound
staring you in the face?
Franny, stick with me,
and you will be sleeping through caviar.
I hate waste.
[THUDDING]
How's the champagne?
Oh, it's nice and dry.
[THUDDING]
You know, at Sizzler, they take it out of the shell.
Oh, Theo...
You know, I've never been to Paris,
but I've always wanted to go -
ever sinceThe Facts of Life girls went there.
Babe, you and Kathy do the town.
Buy whatever you want.
But I'm not gonna see you all day?
Oh, look at that little lip.
Like a baby.
Ooh. Theo, I'm serious.
[WORDS VIBRATE] I don't want to go all alone.
Whatever you say, baby.
Kathy, baby... come sit in Daddy's lap.
What's he gonna do? Burp ya?
If he wants.
[RICHARD LAUGHS]
[KATHY YELPS] [RICHARD AND KATHY CHUCKLE]
I thought the Eiffel Tower leaned.
No, Val!
That's Big Ben.
Oh. [SCOFFS]
What's eating you?
Oh, I'm breaking up with Theo.
Why?
Because he takes me to Paris,
and all I did was fly in a private jet,
shop at the finest stores,
eat in a five-star restaurant,
and go home.
Drop dead.
Val, he doesn't care about what I have to say.
I'm nothing but window-dressing to him.
A beautiful ornament.
Vanna White.
You love Vanna.
I know. But I don't want tobe
I wanna buy the vowels.
I wanna solve the puzzle.
Oh, Fran...
you should write that down.
I want a relationship, a real relationship.
Like Luke and Laura.
Fran, listen to what you're saying.
It's ridiculous.
Luke would never leave her again.
Val, you're gonna have to move away from those power lines.
All I'm saying is that I need a guy
that cares about what I think.
Miss Fine, what do you think?
I've got these concert tickets for Maggie,
but now I'm having second thoughts about letting her go.
You know, we're really in the middle of something here.
Why don't you get another pair,
we'll sit a couple of rows back.
We'll keep an eye on her.
Excellent idea, Miss Fine.
What would I do without you?
All I'm saying is I need a guy whoneeds
The driver is here.
Are these all the things you want sent back to Mr. Timmons?
Yes.
Let me see your hands. - No.
Must I get the poultry shears?
Oh, all right.
But, Niles, diamonds are a girl's best friend.
And now I'm all alone.
Oh, you've still got plenty of friends.
Mr. Rhinestone and Mr. Zircon come to mind.
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[SHOUTING] God, I can hardly hear myself think.
[SHOUTING] Drink? No, I don't wanna drink.
Wasn't that opening act awful?
What a joke.
Coke? Yeah, sure, I'm in the mood.
I'll have some food. Let's do a hot dog.
Hot dog and a Coke, please.
[BOTH SIGH]
"I want to hold your hand." That was music.
Wasn't it? "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah."
Now, those were lyrics. Brilliant.
Who can relate to a song likeDead & Bloated?
Unless you've been to my mother's for Thanksgiving.
Hm. There you go, Miss Fine.
Oh, thanks. Mm, yummy.
[SIGHS] I don't know, I feel a thousand years old.
Try hiking up your underwear,
pulling down your pants a little.
Then you'll fit right in. - Hm.
You first. [LAUGHS]
Well, I'll tell you, you wannna feel young, hang out with Theo.
Oh, I don't know, Miss Fine.
I think, if you'd have played your cards right,
it wouldn't have been long before you were a wealthy woman.
Meanwhile, there are plenty of bimbos
that grew old and died waiting for George Burns.
Hm.
I need someone I can share things with.
Mm, thanks. I'm so parched.
You know, you're absolutely right.
A good relationship has to be about give-and-take.
Mm? Oh, thank you, yeah.
Besides, you have to have some stuff
you can have in common.
Mm-hm. Ketchupand Just the way I like it.
Oh, sure.
I hope I didn't break his little heart.
Mm.
Although he does have a couple of new valves in there.
I wouldn't worry about it, Miss Fine.
He seems to have made a full recovery.
Hm. He's probably with some really young chippy.
[CHUCKLES]
C.C.?
MAXWELL: Seems she's inherited your earrings, Miss Fine.
Well, I've got news for her.
They're nothing without the necklace.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
Ow.
Ow! - That's right, sweetie.
Keep snapping that rubber band
every time you think of the bear.
It's called negative reinforcement.
And it really works.
Yeah, but now my watch doesn't fit anymore.
Hey, tell me about it.
When I quit smoking,
I had a wrist that was the size
of my Aunt Frida's ankle after she had salty fish.
You ready? Yeah.
Congratulations.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
[IN UNISON] Hi, Gracie!
[PANIC-BREATHING]
Uh. We'll be right back.