Okay, kids, come on, come on.
Everyone hold on to me.
Not you, you pervert.
Wow! This is so cool.
Dad never lets us take the subway.
Well, the entire city is in gridlock.
I don't know who schedules a Gay Pride parade
on the same day they're unveiling a Calvin Klein billboard.
Gimme a dollar!
Don't worry, kids, I'll take care of this.
[SHOUTS] What am I, Santa Claus?
You give ME a dollar!
Yeah!
You weren't even afraid of him.
Oh, honey, just cause he yelled in my face?
You obviously have never seen
my mother watch The Price Is Right.
Oh, it's creepy down here.
Oh, honey, the subway's not creepy.
It's just nobody gives a damn anymore.
What do I do with my soda?
Just leave it on the floor.
[BABY CRIES]
Oh, would you look at that poor woman
with all those kids and bags.
Hold your sister a minute.
Excuse me. Can I give you a hand?
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Can I hold something for you? - [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Oh, wow.
I would have given me the salami,
but you're a lot cuter.
[LAUGHS]
You see, kids, one simple act of kindness,
and already the world is a better place.
[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
This is America. She could speak English.
[PASSENGERS CLAMORING]
Oh, good, a seat.
Yeah. Yes, you're such a doll.
You're such a doll.
That's right. Shayna punim.
[SHOUTING]
Oh, what ashayna punim.
What a littlebubbeleh.
Uh, excuse me... Yentl?
Yeah? What?
Where's the mother?
Oh, my God.
She abandoned her baby.
[GASPS] What is this world coming to?
The salami, she guards with her life.
Fran, what are we gonna do?
Oh, you poor, defenseless little thing.
Ow!
Someone's hungry.
Can you believe that wasn't the first time
that ever happened to me in the subway.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one Of those Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, I can't believe I'm holding a baby.
If only you came with a husband and a house in Great Neck.
Okay, we gotta act fast here.
Gracie, go bring down your pink blanket.
Not my blankie.
Oh, God, I can't believe you still have that thing.
And, Brighton, bring down the Snoopy up in your closet.
What Snoopy in my closet?
You know, you're just like my mother.
"What Nestlé's Crunch bar under my NordicTrack?"
Go.
Oh, what a day I had today. [BABY CRIES]
Mm, let me guess.
Yard sale at Mia Farrow's?
Oh.
Oh, ho.
Oh, Maggie, go see if you can find some bottles.
Niles, do we have any old nipples around the house?
Hello, hello.
Good afternoon, C.C., Niles, Miss Fine, baby.
[BABY CRIES]
Why?
Some woman just abandoned this baby on the subway.
I'll tell you it's a good thing I was there,
or he could have been found by some wacko.
You know, one of those people
who walk around talking to themselves.
Although, what the hell I'm gonna do with a baby,
I'll never know.
I'll call 911.
What kind of evil, cold-hearted woman
abandons a poor little defenseless creature?
Oh, that reminds me.
Yellow Cab called, you left your dog in the taxi...
again.
Oh, my God.
That's where I left my Gucci umbrella.
Ten to one she comes back with the Gucci and not the poochie.
OPERATOR [OVER PHONE]: Hello, you've reached emergency 911.
To report a murder, press 1.
For a mugging, press 2.
For bomb threats below 34th Street, press 3.
34th Street to 72nd, press 4.
Oh, you gotta love the N.Y.P.D.
Meanwhile, where's that David Caruso going so fast
with that big white freckly butt of his?
Miss Fine, why the devil did you bring the baby here?
Why didn't you just pass him over
to a policeman straightaway?
They're very busy. It's Sunday.
The gays are comin' out, the yuppies are workin' out,
and the Jews are eatin' out.
Oh.
Oh? Be careful.
Mr. Snoopy's really old. - I will.
Look, his tail's loose, his hair's fallin' out,
and he's bustin' at the seams.
Oh, give him a remote control, he could be my father.
MAGGIE: Fran!
Here, you hold.
What sweetie? What?
Fran, I can't find my blankie anywhere.
Oy.
GRACE: Fran? - Yeah, honey.
I can't find any bottles anywhere.
How about a turkey baster?
Oh, sweetie.
We're trying to feed a baby, not impregnate Ling Ling.
[BABY CRIES] - Oy!
All right, Miss Fine. That's it, here's your coat.
We're going down to the police station.
[BABY CRIES] Oh, all right, but I'm telling you,
we're never gonna get through.
How many gay people can there be in New York?
This, from a man who produces Broadway musicals?
God! It's a bloody mob scene out there.
I mean, I'm proud I'm British.
But you won't see me marching around
dressed as Queen Victoria.
I told you we should've taken the subway.
Why? Hoping to pick up a few more? - Ugh!
Maybe start a bowling team? - Ugh!
Hey, 100 sexy men wanted your phone number.
All they asked me was if my boots came in a size 13.
The baby's back.
Oh, Daddy, can we keep him?
Gracie, heart, he's not a lost puppy.
He's somebody's baby.
All right. Can I have a puppy?
No, you may not have a puppy.
Well, I don't know.
It might help fill the void
after we have to give away [SOBS] our baby boy.
Miss Fine...
We need another boy in this hen house.
There's far too much Blossom
Here, Maggie, hold little Joshua Elliott.
Careful.
Who?
Well, "Elliott" after your father,
and "Joshua" I just always liked.
Oh, I can't wait to have a baby of my own.
Yes, youcan
You can wait a lot.
BRIGHTON: Can you say "Nintendo"?
Oh, he's so cute.
[ALL COOING]
We can't give him up. - No.
Ew! He's pooping. - Oh, yuck!
Oh, no, give him to Brighton.
No, give him to Fran. She's getting paid.
Ohhh.
What are they making such a fuss about?
You'd think that they'd never, ever seen a--
[COUGHS]
Oh! Oh!
Oh, this kid's got far too many lentils in his diet.
Oh, for God's sake, just give him to me.
Come here, little fella.
Ho!
All right. I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna call the Department of Social Services.
Oh, yeah, Sunday at 4:30, they're waitin' for you.
Oh, there's that vein in your forehead again.
You know, Miss Fine, it's very odd,
but that vein wasn't there a year ago.
Just like the gray streak in your hair?
Yes, exactly like the bloody gray streak.
Oh, now, would you calm down?
You're getting all wound up.
Pretty soon you're gonna say something
that you're gonna regret.
I already did when I said, "You're hired."
All right. Fine.
I'll just dump the kid at the white zone at the airport.
There'll be 40 cops on top of him
before he's done unloading.
Oh, Maxwell, I'm so glad you got that baby to the authorities.
I was very worried about that poor little defenseless thing.
Oh, slap that kid's picture on a milk carton,
and let's get back to work.
Oh, Joshy, what's the matter?
Why aren't you eating?
Oh, Niles! What the hell is this?
It's puréed liver and Brussels sprouts.
Oh, the stuff that came out of him
is more appetizing than that.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, now, don't get mad.
I'm just giving him one last feeding
before I have to take him to the orphanage.
Can you say, "Please, sir, I want some more."
That's enough, Miss Fine.
Well, what's with the box?
Are you planning on mailing him to the police station?
'Cause then you better punch some holes in the top.
As a matter of fact,
these are some of Brighton's old baby clothes.
I thought they might come in handy.
Oh, that was very sweet of you.
Isn't he a nice man? Isn't he a good man?
Yes.
[MAKES KISSING NOISES] Uh, Miss Fine,
I think you're becoming far too emotionally attached
to this child. Aww.
Yes, isn't she, little fella? - [BABY GURGLES]
Yes, she is. I think she is.
Well, you look very natural.
Been there three times, Miss Fine.
And if my expertise serves me, I think we need changing again.
Excuse us.
Oh, give him to me. I'll take him.
No, no, that's all right. I've got him, I'll do it.
Wait a minute here. - Let's just lay him down there.
Lay him down. Yeah, little fella.
We're gonna change you. Yeah, good boy.
Make you all dry. Yeah, good boy, good boy.
Well, Miss Fine, I wouldn't stay there.
You never know with little boys. - Oh!
Brighton once shorted a wall clock.
Oh.
There we go. - Oh, yeah.
Well, we know one thing for sure,
his mother was not speaking Hebrew.
[COOS. BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[COOS, BLOWS RASPBERRY]
They love it when you blow on their tummies.
Who doesn't?
Who's the handsome fella then, huh?
Yes, who's the handsome fella?
You know he reminds me of Brighton.
Aw. Whoa!
BOTH: Heads up.
Exactly like Brighton.
Aw, what did you do? What did you do?
We'll get you dry. Yes, we will.
You're a good boy.
You know, Ms. Fine, I, uh--
I apologize for blowing up at you earlier.
Well, Mr. Sheffield, I apologize for--
Actually, I didn't do anything.
Mmm. You're quite right.
Come here, little guy. Come here.
Aw. Oh, honey, would you--?
I mean, uh, Mr. Sheffield, uh, put the TV on.
They like the background noise.
[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS]
TV ANNOUNCER: Senator Dole said he hasn't read the bill,
but he's 100 percent against it.
And in the local news, police are looking for this woman
in connection with the mid-morning kidnapping
on the subway.
Oh, would you look at that nut?
And she's runnin' around free.
Oh, my God, Miss Fine, that's you.
No way.
Suspect is said to be 5'7",
approximately 105 pounds, and in her early 20s.
Oh, you're right. It is me.
Miss Fine!
Well, now, it's obviously a mistake.
And it's all my problem. It has nothing to do with you.
Suspect is believed to work for this man,
renowned Broadway producer Maxwell Sheffield.
Alright, that's it. We're going down to the police station.
Oh, can't we just call Al Cowlings
and drive around for a while first?
Oh, wow.
This looks just like the police station
onCagney & Lacey.
No wonder they had so much crime in that precinct.
All you had to do was outrun Tyne Daly.
Mr. Sheffield, maybe you should take a number?
Miss Fine, this isn't a bakery.
Oh. - They don't give you numbers.
[BELL RINGS] MAN: Sixty-two.
Would you go get a number, please?
Oy, men, what are you gonna do with 'em?
Well, I'm not gonna shoot 'em next time.
[BABY CRIES]
[SINGSONG] Oh, little Jeremy Matthew, how are you?
What happened to "Joshua Elliott"?
I got tired of it.
I like the name "Joshua". - Oh.
[BELL DINGS] MAN: Sixty-three.
Oh, that's us.
Now, may I do the talking, please.
Now, Mr. Sheffield. I got us into this. Let me.
Uh, look, Dick--
Sergeant.
I'm sorry. Sergeant.
Dick Sargent/Sergeant, what are the odds?
Miss Fine.
Oh, all right, you better talk to him.
I'm exhausted. I've been taking care of a strange baby all day.
Sergeant, uh, this woman, my nanny,
er, Fran Fine,
is charged with a crime that I can assure you she didn't commit.
Prostitution?
Excuse me! I'm not a hooker.
I'm a kidnapper.
Well, my lawyer will finally get that house
in the south of France he's always wanted.
Fran Fine, you're under arrest.
Oh, my God.
Mr. Sheffield, call Jacoby & Meyers.
I want the fat one, not the thin one.
He's got an attitude.
Or is that Siskel and Ebert?
You have the right to remain silent.
[SNIGGERS] Obviously, you don't know her very well.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
SERGEANT: Shoes.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Hair.
[GASPS] [CAMERA CLICKS]
Well, height is one thing, but if you think
that I'm gonna set one foot on a scale,
you might as well just put me into a cell
and throw away the key.
What next? Because, frankly, I'm feeling very violated.
We're gonna have to strip-search you.
Oh, no.
Not until there's a ring on this finger
and two tickets to Aruba.
Oh.
Well, I wouldn't wanna obstruct justice.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh--
[DOOR SLAMS]
Oh, sir.
Niles, what are you doing here?
Well, I was watching America's Most Wanted,
and lo and behold.
I brought you a fresh shirt and your shaving things.
Oh, thank you.
I don't plan on being here very long. - Hmm.
How on earth did you get here
with that Gay Pride parade going on?
Oh, I borrowed the poodle and walked.
In fact, I got several job offers.
What's the difference between a butler and a houseboy?
Well, in your case, about 30 years, Niles.
Rot in jail, sir.
Well, there's one fantasy shot to hell.
Niles!
Didn't you see me fall in that ConEd ditch?
I nearly killed myself.
All I saw was a blond woman in an olive overcoat,
and then she was gone.
Well, what am I wearing?
Oh, lookie there.
Maxwell...
[SIGHS] is everything all right?
Has she been incarcerated yet? Did I miss it?
C.C., you could show some concern for Miss Fine.
Maxwell, my concern is for you!
Before Nanny Fine entered our lives,
we never had to step foot in a place like this.
C.C.?
Girlfriend.
Got you again, huh?
You must have me confused with someone else.
I've never seen this person before in my life.
Oh, is that your game? That's cool.
Just stay off Second Avenue. Leon's looking for you.
[UNDER BREATH] Leon?
Maxwell, I swear.
Here you go.
How'd you like it, sugar?
Oh, it was so good, I could do it again and again and again.
Maxwell, you can't seriously believe that--
I know.
Did you go to Bryn Mawr?
Miss Fine, what did they do to you?
Oh, it was horrible.
Seven women, one toilet, no door.
Here's Big Bertha, doin' her business right out there in the open
like she's onWild Kingdom or something.
[SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm scared. I can't go to prison.
I went to the bathroom maybe three times
in all of summer camp.
I can't hold it in for five-to-twenty.
You're gonna have to come with me.
[SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Oh, I can't believe this is happening!
I was just trying to be helpful!
This is just like Nikki onThe Young and the Restless.
Young and Restless? Yeah!
Nikki Newman Abbott?
Yes, yes! Oh!
Remember, Nikki was accused
of stealing Cricket's baby at Jabot Cosmetics?
Cricket!
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] - Yes, yes!
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] - Only she wasn't stealing it.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] - She was holding it for a woman
that was putting on blush.
[HEAVY ACCENT] No, no. Mascara.
Oh, yeah, she's right, she's right. Mascara.
And then Cricket thought that the baby was stolen,
and Nikki went to jail... - [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
...and that shower scene - [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
...was more than we should've seen on daytime.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[RINGS BELL] Quiet, quiet.
It wasn't Cricket's baby.
It was Ashley and Snapper's.
[BOTH GASP] Snapper!
[HEAVY ACCENT] Snapper! Snapper!
All right, all right, uh...
considering the circumstances,
I guess you're free to go, Miss Fine.
Oh.
[SPEAKING SOFTLY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Can I at least say goodbye to the baby?
Just wave, Miss Fine.
Oh! Bye, Joshy.
Oh.
Zbigniew.
Oh, that oughta go over big on the playground.
Well, I only knew him for a couple of hours,
but I'll never forget him.
I'll never forget her either. Quick, act like we're together.
You know what? I sort of liked having a baby in the house.
Except I had no idea how much work they were.
And they're always making a mess.
You know what, Niles, on second thought,
could you bring these upstairs so we can watch some TV? Thanks.
I have two words for you -
"Hansel" and "Gretel".
Well, actually, that's three words.
[OVEN DOOR CLUNKS]
Oh, my. Would you look at this mess?
I'm bingeing.
I'm a little depressed about giving back the baby.
Oh, well, sweetie, we had to give him back. He wasn't ours.
That's right. He didn't belong to our family. - No.
Then why don't you two make a baby?
Take it away, Mr. Sheffield.
Well, um, I mean, we'd have to be--
Well, you know, you have to be married first.
Oh, right, married. - There has to be an engagement.
I'd want a big ring, a party. Don't ask.
Then why don't you two get married?
[CLEARS THROAT]
I took the last one.
Thanks.
Well, you have to be in love with the person.
Don't you love Fran?
Yeah, don't you love Fran?
Well, in a nanny-friend-boss type of way.
Yeah, and I love your father
in that "Thanks a lot, you British cold fish" type of way.
But youcould get married if you wanted to.
Well, uh,
we'd have to be best friends to see if we can live together.
And of course there'd have to be
a very strong physical attract--
Would you go to bed?
Geez.
Kids, huh? Always asking questions.
And such vivid imaginations.
"Why is the sky blue?" "Where's heaven?"
Why don't you and I have a baby?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Meanwhile, I wonder if I'll ever be a mother.
Well, there's always the subway, Miss Fine.
Forget it. Next time I bring home a baby,
it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles
and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
MAN: Please, no putting on makeup.
What are you gonna do? Charge me with lipstick?
Let's not play games.
Did you take the baby, Fran?
Now, I'd have to be pretty stupid
to take a baby
when I could have taken the salami.
And I'm not stupid. -[COMPACT SNAPS]
Can I get a little eye contact here?
Oh, you got a better chance
of seeing Tonya Harding
on a box of Wheaties.