1 00:00:03,266 --> 00:00:06,330 WOMAN: Oh, my God, will you look at that? 2 00:00:06,660 --> 00:00:07,350 [WOMEN CHATTERING] 3 00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,250 What is that? - Oh, no. 4 00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:11,266 Fran's giving her mother's canasta group 5 00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:12,150 a tour of the house. 6 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:17,333 Cover your cheeks! 7 00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:20,366 And this is the very piano 8 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,483 once played by Mr. Marvin "The Way We Were" Hamlisch. 9 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,283 [LADIES SQUEAL] - Don't push, Frida. 10 00:00:26,316 --> 00:00:28,160 Oy, ever since they took you off the estrogen, 11 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:31,160 you're so aggressive. 12 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,330 Not to mention that five o'clock shadow. 13 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,500 [CAMERA CLICKS] 14 00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,433 Sorry. My girl doesn't do windows. 15 00:00:37,466 --> 00:00:39,200 I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin. 16 00:00:41,383 --> 00:00:43,166 Meet me in the kitchen, 17 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,183 and I'll clean behind the refrigerator. 18 00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:52,830 And this is the famous Sheffield guest bathroom. 19 00:00:52,116 --> 00:00:54,330 I don't wanna drop names, 20 00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:56,330 but Liz Taylor did not leave White Diamonds in there. 21 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,483 Celebrities coming, going. 22 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:04,830 I don't know how my Fran stays so down to earth. 23 00:01:04,116 --> 00:01:06,330 [CHUCKLES] Oh, Ma, please. 24 00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:07,366 People are people. 25 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,416 We're all the same under the eyes of... 26 00:01:09,450 --> 00:01:11,300 [SHE GASPS] Ben Vereen! 27 00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,350 Oh, my God! 28 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,300 Ohh! 29 00:01:17,830 --> 00:01:20,250 [LAUGHING] Oh, oh! 30 00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:26,000 DoRoots, 31 00:01:26,330 --> 00:01:27,383 And who are these lovely ladies? 32 00:01:27,416 --> 00:01:29,333 Uh, I'm sorry, Ben. 33 00:01:29,366 --> 00:01:31,250 This is my nanny. - Hi. 34 00:01:31,283 --> 00:01:33,000 Her mother and, uh... 35 00:01:34,316 --> 00:01:36,830 The 1948 Israeli luge team? 36 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,333 DoPippin, 37 00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,333 Miss Fine, please. 38 00:01:42,366 --> 00:01:45,500 So I guess a highlight 39 00:01:45,830 --> 00:01:46,366 ofTenspeed and Brown Shoe would be out of the question? 40 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,150 [LAUGHS] 41 00:01:49,183 --> 00:01:51,000 So you're the one who saw that. - Uh-huh. 42 00:01:51,330 --> 00:01:52,150 [CAMERA CLICKS] 43 00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:53,233 C.C.: Nanny Fine! 44 00:01:53,266 --> 00:01:57,830 What? Mr. Vereen is a very busy man. 45 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:57,483 Comin' through, comin' through! 46 00:01:59,466 --> 00:02:01,216 Now, can I give you a lift back to the hotel? 47 00:02:02,433 --> 00:02:04,266 He can ride in the basket with Toto. 48 00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,150 [LAUGHS] 49 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,266 Ben, Ben, this show has been a passion of mine for 20 years. 50 00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:12,150 And now with you, 51 00:02:12,183 --> 00:02:14,660 we have a surefire hit on our hands. 52 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,330 I hope I still have the moves. 53 00:02:16,183 --> 00:02:18,383 [LADIES CHEERING] 54 00:02:18,416 --> 00:02:20,383 Bravo, bravo! 55 00:02:20,416 --> 00:02:21,133 I guess I do. 56 00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:24,100 FRAN: I love you! 57 00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:27,150 I love you! [GIGGLES] 58 00:02:27,183 --> 00:02:29,366 Well, you see, people are people. 59 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,116 He touched that, it's mine. 60 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,316 MAXWELL: Yes! I can't believe 61 00:02:34,350 --> 00:02:36,283 this play is finally happening. 62 00:02:36,316 --> 00:02:38,200 Now, if we can just get the financing in place. 63 00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:40,466 Fran, come here. - What, Ma? 64 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,216 We want to invest our canasta winnings 65 00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:45,660 in Mr. Sheffield's play. 66 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,450 Yourpishke? - Yeah. 67 00:02:47,483 --> 00:02:50,233 Oh, Ma, don't be too fast and loose with yourpishke. 68 00:02:50,266 --> 00:02:52,830 What? 69 00:02:52,116 --> 00:02:53,433 It hasn't been touched in years. 70 00:02:53,466 --> 00:02:56,133 Oh! All right. 71 00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:59,160 Mr. Sheffield, they want to give you theirpishke. 72 00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:00,100 Oh, well, she seems like a lovely woman, but-- 73 00:03:00,133 --> 00:03:01,133 No. 74 00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:04,166 This is Frida. 75 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,166 Thepishke from playing cards. 76 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,000 [LAUGHS] Oh, goody. We're made. 77 00:03:08,330 --> 00:03:09,183 [CLEARS THROAT] 78 00:03:09,216 --> 00:03:10,450 What my partner means to say is, 79 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,233 though we appreciate 80 00:03:12,266 --> 00:03:14,166 your enthusiasm for the theater, ladies, 81 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,830 we cannot possibly accept your-- 82 00:03:16,116 --> 00:03:17,333 Twenty-five thousand dollars? 83 00:03:17,366 --> 00:03:18,366 You're in! 84 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,830 [CHEERING] 85 00:03:21,266 --> 00:03:24,216 [THEME TUNE PLAYS] 86 00:03:24,250 --> 00:03:25,350 ♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪ 87 00:03:25,383 --> 00:03:27,133 ♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪ 88 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:28,250 ♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪ 89 00:03:28,283 --> 00:03:30,150 ♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪ 90 00:03:30,183 --> 00:03:31,466 ♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪ 91 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,830 ♪ She was out on her fanny ♪ 92 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,300 ♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪ 93 00:03:36,333 --> 00:03:37,416 ♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪ 94 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,166 ♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪ 95 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,350 ♪ But the father saw more ♪ 96 00:03:40,383 --> 00:03:42,283 ♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪ 97 00:03:42,316 --> 00:03:45,133 ♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪ 98 00:03:46,450 --> 00:03:49,300 ♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪ 99 00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:51,383 ♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪ 100 00:03:51,416 --> 00:03:52,383 ♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪ 101 00:03:52,416 --> 00:03:54,166 ♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪ 102 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,233 ♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪ 103 00:03:55,266 --> 00:03:56,450 ♪ Such joie de vivre ♪ 104 00:03:56,483 --> 00:03:58,166 ♪ She's the lady in red ♪ 105 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,300 ♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪ 106 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:03,233 ♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪ 107 00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:05,500 ♪ The nanny named Fran ♪ 108 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,100 [THUNDER RUMBLES] Niles! 109 00:04:11,133 --> 00:04:12,300 That's the spread you're putting out 110 00:04:12,333 --> 00:04:14,300 for Mr. Sheffield's big investor? 111 00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:16,166 My mother's got money in this show. 112 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,150 I want him walking out with his pants spread 113 00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:19,233 and an Alka-Seltzer foaming out of his mouth. 114 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,233 Miss Fine, this is beluga caviar, 115 00:04:23,266 --> 00:04:25,160 $100 an ounce. 116 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,116 Niles, shopping tip. 117 00:04:27,150 --> 00:04:29,350 Lumpfish, Price Club, $1.99. 118 00:04:29,383 --> 00:04:30,200 It can fill up your whole bathtub. 119 00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:33,250 All right, Niles. 120 00:04:33,283 --> 00:04:36,160 Charles Haste will be here any minute. 121 00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:37,000 What, is this all you're serving? 122 00:04:37,330 --> 00:04:39,233 Told you so. 123 00:04:39,266 --> 00:04:41,433 Niles, I want everything to be perfect. 124 00:04:41,466 --> 00:04:43,660 I've been wanting to do this play 125 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,366 since the beginning of my career, 126 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,266 and now finally C.C. has found an investor 127 00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:47,316 that shares my vision. 128 00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:48,400 Oh, well, what's he do? 129 00:04:48,433 --> 00:04:51,660 He's a garbage man. 130 00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:53,100 But a very wealthy and acclaimed one. 131 00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:55,216 Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look at you. 132 00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:56,383 You seem like a virgin on your wedding night. 133 00:04:56,416 --> 00:04:57,266 Not that I would know. 134 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,450 Uh, because I've never been married. 135 00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:03,133 Where the devil's C.C.? 136 00:05:03,166 --> 00:05:04,233 Well, it is raining outside, sir. 137 00:05:04,266 --> 00:05:05,116 Perhaps she melted. 138 00:05:07,383 --> 00:05:09,100 Shall I see if there's a pointy hat 139 00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:10,830 and Chanel suit lying in the street? 140 00:05:12,266 --> 00:05:15,433 Well, let's just hope my trashman comes through, 141 00:05:15,466 --> 00:05:17,283 or we'll lose the theater, lose Ben Vereen, 142 00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:19,183 and it could be 20 years 143 00:05:19,216 --> 00:05:21,200 before the pieces come together again. 144 00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:23,283 Well, then, what would happen to my mother'spishke? 145 00:05:23,316 --> 00:05:26,500 Oh, well, surely, Miss Fine, your mother realizes 146 00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:28,283 that investing in the theater is a risky business. 147 00:05:28,316 --> 00:05:31,000 You're talking about a woman whose idea of risk 148 00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:32,166 is wearing white pants to Tony Roma's. 149 00:05:36,316 --> 00:05:39,500 Besides, she's already decided how to spend the profit. 150 00:05:39,830 --> 00:05:41,160 She's gonna get her whole face redone. 151 00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:42,433 Oh, Miss Fine, it's a little premature. 152 00:05:42,466 --> 00:05:44,000 Really? I thought she was long overdue. 153 00:05:46,830 --> 00:05:48,250 No, Miss Fine, it's premature to spend it. 154 00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:49,366 I mean you, you never know 155 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,183 which way a play is gonna go. 156 00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:53,660 Well, I don't like the sound of this at all. 157 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,660 You said it was a surefire hit. 158 00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:58,183 That's my job, to get investors. 159 00:05:58,216 --> 00:06:00,116 Believe me, I've tried all the other arguments. 160 00:06:00,150 --> 00:06:02,160 "Wanna throw your money down a rat hole?" 161 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,266 "Theater is dying." All of those. 162 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,133 But, oddly enough, the surefire hit routine 163 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,450 is somehow more enticing. 164 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,250 Well, how much of your own dough 165 00:06:09,283 --> 00:06:10,233 did you stuff down this turkey? 166 00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:12,300 [DOORBELL RINGS] 167 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:15,116 Well, I never invest in my own plays. 168 00:06:15,150 --> 00:06:16,366 Well, it would be rather like a doctor operating on himself. 169 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,300 Oh. 170 00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:20,200 Although I got a cousin who's a urologist-- 171 00:06:20,233 --> 00:06:21,500 Yes. 172 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,366 Poor Pee-wee's off the air, 173 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,300 and my cousin's still practicing. 174 00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:32,400 Maxwell, is he here yet? 'Cause I am hot today. 175 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,283 Some twit of a tourist tried to cheat me out of a cab. 176 00:06:34,316 --> 00:06:36,400 I stunned him with my umbrella 177 00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:38,200 and kneed him right in the big apple. 178 00:06:38,233 --> 00:06:40,350 [CHUCKLES] 179 00:06:40,383 --> 00:06:42,100 I don't know why some nice guy hasn't snatched her up. 180 00:06:43,383 --> 00:06:45,433 Oh, my God, my hair! 181 00:06:45,466 --> 00:06:48,500 Look, C.C., I'm counting on you. 182 00:06:48,830 --> 00:06:50,266 Haste fancies himself a bit of a ladies man, 183 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:52,160 so please do what you have to to make yourself presentable. 184 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:53,183 [THUNDER RUMBLES] 185 00:06:53,216 --> 00:06:54,350 Shall I open the roof 186 00:06:54,383 --> 00:06:55,300 and strap her to a lightning rod? 187 00:06:57,830 --> 00:07:00,316 [HISSES] 188 00:07:00,316 --> 00:07:02,150 No pressure, Miss Babcock, but, you know, 189 00:07:02,183 --> 00:07:03,350 if you don't make this happen, 190 00:07:03,383 --> 00:07:05,400 I know 12 canasta ladies that are gonna come after you 191 00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,233 like the last piece of pastrami 192 00:07:07,266 --> 00:07:09,166 on a tray full of head cheese. 193 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,416 Miss Fine, please. 194 00:07:10,450 --> 00:07:12,216 I'm going, I'm going. 195 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:14,283 [DOORBELL RINGS] - All right. 196 00:07:14,316 --> 00:07:16,266 Let's just hope Mr. Haste is in a generous mood. 197 00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:19,660 [THUNDER CRASHES] 198 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:20,300 Hate show business already. 199 00:07:23,466 --> 00:07:25,300 I had a harder time getting here 200 00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:26,366 than I did coming down the birth canal. 201 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,100 Charles Haste. How you doing? 202 00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:33,316 Maxwell Sheffield, hello. 203 00:07:33,350 --> 00:07:35,330 What on earth happened to you? 204 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,283 Well, I was just getting into a taxi 205 00:07:37,316 --> 00:07:41,830 when some big blond woman kneed me in the groin, 206 00:07:41,116 --> 00:07:43,216 and then she clobbered me with some hideous green umbrella. 207 00:07:46,150 --> 00:07:47,000 So, uh... 208 00:07:48,183 --> 00:07:50,100 where's your partner, C.C.? 209 00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:53,133 You know, she's the best fax I ever had. [CHUCKLES] 210 00:07:53,166 --> 00:07:56,150 Well, Charlie, wh-what do you say we just 211 00:07:56,183 --> 00:07:58,100 keep this between us boys, eh? 212 00:07:58,133 --> 00:07:59,366 Oh, I gave that up in camp, Sheffy. 213 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,383 Let me tell you why I'm getting into showbiz. 214 00:08:04,416 --> 00:08:07,300 I have made zillions in waste management. 215 00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:10,100 But you just don't see a lot of leg. 216 00:08:10,133 --> 00:08:11,333 And if you do, you're calling Homicide. 217 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,000 [LAUGHS] 218 00:08:14,366 --> 00:08:17,660 What exactly are you saying? 219 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:21,330 What I'm saying, no chick, no check, no deal. 220 00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:22,660 MAXWELL: Oh. - Maxwell, is he here yet? 221 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:22,433 Oof! 222 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,133 Who's that? Uh, that? 223 00:08:28,166 --> 00:08:30,330 Oh, you might as well know, 224 00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:32,330 that was my partner, Miss Babcock. 225 00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:37,500 All right, come on out, C.C. 226 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,100 Oh, no. 227 00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:41,216 Do I have a run in my Hanes? 228 00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:43,183 Wh-- 229 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,216 That's not a run, that's just a little snag. 230 00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:48,500 Oh. 231 00:08:49,216 --> 00:08:51,116 You got some clear polish? I'll fix it for ya. 232 00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:53,350 Er, Miss, uh-- - Babcock, how do you do? 233 00:08:53,383 --> 00:08:55,250 What? 234 00:08:55,283 --> 00:08:56,483 You sounded a little different on the phone. 235 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,250 Uh...I switched to MCI. 236 00:08:59,350 --> 00:09:02,000 Oh, why? 237 00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:03,233 Because I have a lot of friends and family. 238 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,416 [BANGING ON DOOR] 239 00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:07,400 What's that? 240 00:09:07,433 --> 00:09:08,483 Uh, the dog. 241 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:10,183 We put her away because 242 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,660 we didn't want her to jump your leg. 243 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,433 We really need to have her fixed. 244 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:17,830 Shall we? 245 00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:23,450 Maxwell, Nanny Fine can't possibly pass for me. 246 00:09:23,483 --> 00:09:25,660 She isn't in my class. 247 00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:30,300 She doesn't have my breeding. 248 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,330 Then perhaps she won't lick herself in front of company. 249 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:35,183 Maxwell, are you gonna let him 250 00:09:35,216 --> 00:09:36,200 talk to me like that? 251 00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:37,100 Yes. 252 00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:40,166 You attacked our investor. 253 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,100 That's bad, C.C., very bad. 254 00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:43,660 Maxwell-- - Sit. 255 00:09:45,483 --> 00:09:47,660 Is he gonna hit her with a rolled-up newspaper? 256 00:09:49,233 --> 00:09:51,216 All right, we have exactly three minutes to teach you 257 00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:53,660 everything Miss Babcock knows about the theater. 258 00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:54,116 We can do that and make a two-minute egg. 259 00:09:56,116 --> 00:09:57,200 First, we open in Philadelphia. 260 00:09:57,233 --> 00:09:59,500 Oh, Philly, great. 261 00:09:59,830 --> 00:10:00,350 My Aunt Selma lives in Philly. 262 00:10:00,383 --> 00:10:01,466 She's the one with the miracle ear. 263 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,250 Oh, a bit deaf, eh? 264 00:10:03,283 --> 00:10:07,266 No! She has a miracle ear. 265 00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,150 When you look way inside, you can see the Virgin Mary. 266 00:10:11,350 --> 00:10:12,400 She can't even get her ears pierced 267 00:10:12,433 --> 00:10:13,216 because they keep healing. 268 00:10:15,830 --> 00:10:16,450 This is absurd. 269 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,100 Miss Fine, please! 270 00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:20,830 Miss Babcock. - Miss Babcock. 271 00:10:20,116 --> 00:10:21,160 BOTH: What? 272 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,266 Oh. 273 00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:24,150 You better call me C.C. 274 00:10:24,183 --> 00:10:25,133 After all, we have been partners 275 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,116 for over 10 years. 276 00:10:27,150 --> 00:10:28,483 She's right, there needs to be a certain level of intimacy. 277 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,233 I've always said that. 278 00:10:30,266 --> 00:10:31,233 HASTE: Sheffield? 279 00:10:31,266 --> 00:10:32,483 Get out, get out! 280 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,150 Out, out out! - Maxwell, it's raining! 281 00:10:40,483 --> 00:10:42,330 So where'd you guys disappear to? 282 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,250 We had to put the dog out. 283 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,383 All right, Sheffield, 284 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,233 now, I've got a couple of questions about the play. 285 00:10:51,266 --> 00:10:52,000 Now, the first-- 286 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:54,233 Does she ever wear pants? 287 00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:56,266 'Cause then I'm out. 288 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,466 Now, second, where's the play open? 289 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,383 Oh, I know that. I know that. 290 00:11:02,416 --> 00:11:04,316 [THUNDER RUMBLES] I... 291 00:11:04,350 --> 00:11:07,160 Miss Babcock, would you like some cream cheese? 292 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,250 We open in Kraft. 293 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:11,200 We open in Philly, Miss Fine-- 294 00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:13,133 Uh, Babcock. The fine Miss Babcock. 295 00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:14,300 Oh, that she is. 296 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,500 But, uh, moving on. 297 00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:19,830 Act One...it's trash. 298 00:11:19,116 --> 00:11:20,200 I beg your pardon. 299 00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,366 It's a touching, well-crafted-- 300 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,000 Oh, it's got flies on it, Sheffy. 301 00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:27,366 I mean, we need a rock 'em, sock 'em opening number. 302 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,433 Yeah, people go to the theater after dinner. 303 00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:31,166 They got gas. They need cover. 304 00:11:34,166 --> 00:11:36,266 Right, we need a big number 305 00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,166 so people can open their candy wrappers. 306 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,330 Which they'll then throw on the floor. 307 00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,300 More garbage! 308 00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:44,416 Oh, that intermission is gonna sound like 309 00:11:44,450 --> 00:11:46,166 Massachusetts in the fall. 310 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,330 [CHUCKLES] 311 00:11:48,266 --> 00:11:50,450 Now, about that check. 312 00:11:50,483 --> 00:11:53,250 I'm gonna give you that check tomorrow evening over dinner. 313 00:11:53,283 --> 00:11:55,450 I've made reservations at the Rainbow Room. 314 00:11:55,483 --> 00:11:58,330 I love that place! 315 00:11:58,660 --> 00:11:59,416 Oh, what a success story. 316 00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:01,400 They must do 20, 30 dumpsters a night. 317 00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:04,233 No! - Uh, C.C.? C.C.? 318 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:05,416 I'll pick you up at 8:00. Where do you live? 319 00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:08,283 Well, uh... [CHUCKLES] 320 00:12:08,316 --> 00:12:09,400 You'd think I lived here. I'm such a freeloader. 321 00:12:11,466 --> 00:12:13,400 Perhaps you have a business card in your purse. 322 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:14,250 Good. 323 00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:18,660 No,your 324 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,116 That's...my 325 00:12:25,450 --> 00:12:27,133 It's the rage in Europe. 326 00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:29,150 [THUNDER RUMBLES] 327 00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:30,433 Okay, let's see. 328 00:12:30,466 --> 00:12:34,116 We've got Retin-A and collagen. 329 00:12:34,150 --> 00:12:34,350 Oh, here, what's this? 330 00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:37,316 Oh, the bill from my shrink. 331 00:12:37,350 --> 00:12:38,250 Whoa, am I unhappy! 332 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,150 407 East 86th Street. I'll send a limo. 333 00:12:45,383 --> 00:12:47,100 Niles, did you forget something? 334 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:47,266 Oh, yes. Quite right, sir. 335 00:12:49,830 --> 00:12:50,160 [THUNDER RUMBLES] 336 00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,000 [TAPPING] 337 00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:55,830 [TAPPING] 338 00:12:55,116 --> 00:12:57,250 [BANGING] [INAUDIBLE SHOUTING] 339 00:13:08,316 --> 00:13:10,350 Oh, man, I'll never get this game. 340 00:13:10,383 --> 00:13:12,216 What do you do if you have four queens? 341 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,500 Gather round the piano and sing songs fromGypsy. 342 00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:20,150 Hi, guys. 343 00:13:20,183 --> 00:13:21,466 Oh, wow. 344 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,500 Fran, you look so hot in that dress. 345 00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:25,466 Uh-oh. I'm supposed to look like Miss Babcock. 346 00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:28,466 I tried to dress conservatively. 347 00:13:31,830 --> 00:13:34,100 Niles, can you picture Miss Babcock in this dress? 348 00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:35,266 Not if I ever want to function as a man again. 349 00:13:39,216 --> 00:13:41,416 Sorry, Maggie, but three kings beat four queens. 350 00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:43,830 They do? - Mm-hm. 351 00:13:43,116 --> 00:13:44,450 Brighton, that is a big fat lie. 352 00:13:44,483 --> 00:13:46,383 Didn't I teach you anything? 353 00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:49,233 Gee, I don't know, C.C., 354 00:13:49,266 --> 00:13:51,150 Well, that's an entirely different thing. 355 00:13:51,183 --> 00:13:53,350 I am not lying. I'm just pretending, 356 00:13:53,383 --> 00:13:55,150 like in one of your father's plays. 357 00:13:55,183 --> 00:13:57,000 Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor? 358 00:13:58,383 --> 00:13:59,216 No. You're thinking of Steven Seagal. 359 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,283 Besides, why aren't you playing hide-and-seek 360 00:14:04,316 --> 00:14:06,283 with your sister Gracie? 361 00:14:06,316 --> 00:14:08,183 She's been up in that hamper for three-and-a-half hours. 362 00:14:08,216 --> 00:14:10,500 Oh, she'll show. 363 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:11,400 How many days can she go without food? 364 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,250 Well, about as long as you can go 365 00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:15,266 without thatPlayboy that's rolled up 366 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:16,250 inside your Lincoln Logs. 367 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,116 Ready or not, here I come! 368 00:14:22,166 --> 00:14:24,283 Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Miss Babcock. 369 00:14:24,316 --> 00:14:26,116 Help me get into character. 370 00:14:26,150 --> 00:14:27,450 Hit me with your best shot. 371 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,150 Oh, no, Miss Fine, I couldn't possibly. 372 00:14:30,183 --> 00:14:32,300 Oh, come on. "Hello, hello, 373 00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:34,300 I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work." 374 00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:35,316 Your usual corner? 375 00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:36,183 Oh. 376 00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,483 I'm sorry. Miss Fine, don't make me do this. 377 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,150 "I'm Miss Babcock, 378 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,333 and I'm off to get money... from a man." 379 00:14:45,366 --> 00:14:46,350 Don't forget your change belt. 380 00:14:46,383 --> 00:14:47,216 Oh. 381 00:14:49,150 --> 00:14:51,450 I hate myself. [THEY LAUGH] 382 00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:52,416 Do it again. [LAUGHS] 383 00:14:54,216 --> 00:14:55,350 No, I have to go. 384 00:14:55,383 --> 00:14:57,233 Oh, come on, one more? I'm hot. 385 00:14:57,266 --> 00:14:58,350 Oh, all right. 386 00:14:58,383 --> 00:15:00,283 And I'll make this one easy. 387 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,216 "Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired." 388 00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:06,830 Dog...tired? Come on. 389 00:15:06,116 --> 00:15:07,660 A drink for the dog. I don't hear anything. 390 00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,250 Oh, uh, uh... 391 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,350 Oh, Niles, get a life. 392 00:15:09,383 --> 00:15:11,316 Uh, oh... 393 00:15:11,350 --> 00:15:12,200 Oh, oh! I've got, I've got it! 394 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,266 I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl. 395 00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:19,350 Officer. 396 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:27,483 [DOORBELL RINGS] 397 00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:32,400 Hi. 398 00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:33,416 You finally got here. 399 00:15:33,450 --> 00:15:35,200 Oh, this is nice. 400 00:15:35,233 --> 00:15:36,233 Very warm. 401 00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:39,330 Which way to Radiology? 402 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,100 Let me guess. 403 00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:43,330 The Heidi Fleiss Collection? 404 00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:47,233 You told me to wear something designer. 405 00:15:49,660 --> 00:15:51,350 All right, I have prepared a short dossier on myself. 406 00:15:53,266 --> 00:15:54,300 [SIGHS] 407 00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,500 Where I grew up... 408 00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:57,133 went to prep school... 409 00:15:58,150 --> 00:15:59,200 when I came out. 410 00:15:59,233 --> 00:16:00,133 You came out? 411 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:04,266 What are you always sniffing around Mr. Sheffield for? 412 00:16:05,483 --> 00:16:08,216 My coming-out party, Miss Fine. 413 00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:10,333 I know. I heard you. 414 00:16:10,366 --> 00:16:12,830 You know, now you and your special friend 415 00:16:12,116 --> 00:16:13,216 can dance together at Disneyland. 416 00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:20,283 Oh, aren't these lovely? 417 00:16:20,316 --> 00:16:22,450 Ooh, who are these people in the picture? 418 00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:24,366 That's my brother, and that's my sister. 419 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,466 Oh. Wow, isn'the 420 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,316 Yeah, he is, isn't he? 421 00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,366 Come on. Who is he? 422 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,100 Oh, just someone. It's not important. 423 00:16:33,133 --> 00:16:34,383 Oh, tell me, tell me. 424 00:16:34,416 --> 00:16:35,400 He came with the frame, okay? 425 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,183 Oh, honey, 426 00:16:42,216 --> 00:16:43,466 there's nothing to be ashamed of. 427 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,333 A lot of grown women do that. 428 00:16:47,116 --> 00:16:47,216 [UNDER BREATH] So pathetic. 429 00:16:50,166 --> 00:16:51,433 All right, now what do I do 430 00:16:51,466 --> 00:16:53,133 if Haste wants something to drink? 431 00:16:53,166 --> 00:16:57,350 Oh, I've got gin, vodka, bourbon. 432 00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:59,000 You don't have anything a little softer? 433 00:16:59,330 --> 00:16:59,433 Rum? 434 00:17:02,183 --> 00:17:04,160 It's a good thing that I carry a can of Clamato with me. 435 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,183 Plus, if ever you hit a skunk-- 436 00:17:07,216 --> 00:17:08,233 Nanny Fine. 437 00:17:10,150 --> 00:17:12,266 Meanwhile, Miss Martha Stewart, 438 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:14,266 with half-a-million dollars coming, 439 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,000 would it have hurt to squeeze a little cheese on a Ritz? 440 00:17:17,330 --> 00:17:19,266 Please, concentrate. 441 00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,266 [DOORBELL RINGS] 442 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,660 Who is it? 443 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,250 Who do you think it is, Ed McMahon? 444 00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:24,133 Get in the closet. 445 00:17:27,183 --> 00:17:29,233 Charlie, hi. 446 00:17:29,266 --> 00:17:31,500 Hello! Come on in, take a load off. 447 00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:32,166 That check must be heavy. 448 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,350 [HE CHUCKLES] 449 00:17:33,383 --> 00:17:34,350 So this is your apartment? 450 00:17:34,383 --> 00:17:36,133 Uh-huh. 451 00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:37,283 Doesn't look like you at all. 452 00:17:37,316 --> 00:17:38,483 [LAUGHS] Go hire a straight decorator. 453 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,160 For you, C.C. 454 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,350 Oh, how lovely. 455 00:17:45,383 --> 00:17:47,433 Thank you so much. 456 00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:49,116 Did you bring the half-a-mil? 457 00:17:49,150 --> 00:17:51,166 C.C., I've been thinking. 458 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,250 I don't want to invest that much. 459 00:17:52,283 --> 00:17:53,416 You don't? 460 00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:56,830 No. I want to double it! 461 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:59,160 [C.C. MOANS] 462 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,000 Poltergeist. 463 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,330 I got the apartment really cheap, 464 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:06,500 but I can't watch TV. 465 00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:07,450 Gonna put those flowers in a vase? 466 00:18:07,483 --> 00:18:10,383 Oh, yeah, sure, of course. 467 00:18:10,416 --> 00:18:12,366 If only I could figure out where I put my vases. 468 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,500 Perhaps in the kitchen. 469 00:18:14,830 --> 00:18:15,330 Right, the kitchen. Of course! 470 00:18:16,483 --> 00:18:17,350 That's a linen closet. 471 00:18:19,216 --> 00:18:21,183 The maid was here today. 472 00:18:21,216 --> 00:18:22,000 She never puts anything back where it belongs. 473 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,333 Now, if I were a maid, 474 00:18:25,366 --> 00:18:26,433 where would I put the kitchen? 475 00:18:26,466 --> 00:18:28,000 Oh, bingo. 476 00:18:28,330 --> 00:18:28,383 [DOORBELL RINGS] 477 00:18:30,383 --> 00:18:32,166 Aren't you gonna get that? 478 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,500 Nah, it's just my idiot neighbor. 479 00:18:34,830 --> 00:18:35,133 You live in 6B! 480 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,350 Maxwell, what are you doing here? 481 00:18:42,383 --> 00:18:44,330 C.C., I've come to my senses. 482 00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:45,300 This is not how I do business. 483 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,416 Are you crazy? He is throwing money at her, 484 00:18:47,450 --> 00:18:48,183 and she didn't even have to put out. 485 00:18:49,383 --> 00:18:51,450 Hors d'oeuvres, the cat. 486 00:18:51,483 --> 00:18:54,183 Anything...really. 487 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,450 I don't care how important this play is to me. 488 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,166 Nothing is worth this. 489 00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,433 He's up to a million. 490 00:18:59,466 --> 00:19:00,166 They're coming. Get in the closet. 491 00:19:03,283 --> 00:19:05,200 I wouldn't eat that shrimp if I were you. 492 00:19:05,233 --> 00:19:07,000 God knows how long it's been in there. 493 00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:10,160 Oh, C.C., I'm an expert on garbage. 494 00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:11,300 This baby's got two, three hours before it turns. 495 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,416 Want a bite? - Uh, no. 496 00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:15,466 As appealing as hepatitis sounds... 497 00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:18,233 yellow is just not my color. 498 00:19:20,416 --> 00:19:24,000 Well, let's talk about us. 499 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,366 You see, I-I think, uh, 500 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,416 you and I see eye to eye. 501 00:19:27,450 --> 00:19:28,466 Uh, those aren't my eyes. 502 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,450 Well, don't you know that little bald middle-aged men 503 00:19:35,483 --> 00:19:38,100 have very high levels of testosterone? 504 00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:39,433 An ironic twist of fate. 505 00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:46,333 You see, I say, let's dump Sheffield 506 00:19:46,366 --> 00:19:49,500 and make this a duet. 507 00:19:49,830 --> 00:19:51,266 You said on the phone that you're the brains, 508 00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,300 and he's just a pretty face in a blazer. 509 00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:56,160 I 510 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:57,316 How dare... me. 511 00:19:59,183 --> 00:20:00,416 [WHISPERING] I said, 512 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,250 you were pretty great 513 00:20:02,283 --> 00:20:04,166 and a trailblazer. 514 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,250 Damn cellular phones. 515 00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:09,300 Let me tell you something. 516 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:12,416 Maxwell Sheffield is a man of vision. 517 00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:16,383 Sure, he passed onCats. Not one of his finest hours. 518 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,330 But when everybody was going crazy 519 00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:21,383 wondering where to put the Fiddler, 520 00:20:21,416 --> 00:20:24,116 he's the one that said, "Stick him on the roof." 521 00:20:28,466 --> 00:20:30,200 What does Sheffield really have 522 00:20:30,233 --> 00:20:31,433 that I don't have? 523 00:20:31,466 --> 00:20:33,383 Well, for starters, he doesn't have 524 00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:34,200 a shrimp vein hanging out of his tooth. 525 00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:40,660 Mr. Sheffield is a man of integrity. 526 00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:43,183 When he believes in a play, he will stick by it 527 00:20:43,216 --> 00:20:46,830 even if it takes him 20 years to mount. 528 00:20:46,116 --> 00:20:47,450 Whilst I, C.C. Babcock, 529 00:20:47,483 --> 00:20:48,416 will mount just about anything. 530 00:20:51,133 --> 00:20:52,333 [WHISPERS] Oh, there must be a gun in here somewhere. 531 00:20:52,366 --> 00:20:53,830 I'll say she was a burglar. 532 00:20:55,466 --> 00:20:58,183 If you're going to stick with that no-talent Limey loser, then-- 533 00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:01,200 Hey, hi, Sheffield. 534 00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:03,250 Oh, she goes in, he comes out. 535 00:21:03,283 --> 00:21:04,316 This is like a David Copperfield special. 536 00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:09,830 Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here? 537 00:21:09,116 --> 00:21:10,660 Just throwing out the trash. 538 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,366 C.C.: Charlie! 539 00:21:15,366 --> 00:21:16,366 [LAUGHING] Do you want to hear 540 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,116 a really funny story? 541 00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:23,316 Hello there. Mr. Sheffield. 542 00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:25,316 You were worried about me 543 00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:28,150 so you were peeking through the keyhole? 544 00:21:28,183 --> 00:21:30,133 Oh, how sweet. 545 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:32,366 You don't do that at home, do you? 546 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,166 [SIGHS] 547 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,316 Oh, Niles, my mother's gonna be here any minute. 548 00:21:41,350 --> 00:21:43,660 How am I gonna tell her 549 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:45,116 that she doesn't have a pot topishke 550 00:21:45,150 --> 00:21:48,100 [CHUCKLES] Just tell her the truth. 551 00:21:48,133 --> 00:21:50,300 Oh, right. The truth, of course. 552 00:21:50,333 --> 00:21:52,160 I'm a grown woman. I don't have to be afraid 553 00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:53,183 of my own mother. - Right. 554 00:21:53,216 --> 00:21:55,166 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 555 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,266 Besides, she's slowed down ever since her thighs met. 556 00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:00,433 She wears corduroy slacks, she could roast a marshmallow. 557 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,330 Hi, Ma. Hi. 558 00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:04,350 How you doing? 559 00:22:04,383 --> 00:22:07,500 Ma, I got something to tell you, 560 00:22:07,830 --> 00:22:09,150 but I'm scared you're gonna yell. 561 00:22:09,183 --> 00:22:11,166 Darling, you're scared of your mother? 562 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,133 I could just smack you. 563 00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:16,450 Be afraid. Be very afraid. 564 00:22:16,483 --> 00:22:18,216 Meanwhile, when's the last time 565 00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:20,133 you called your poor mother? 566 00:22:20,166 --> 00:22:22,283 An ocean away in a drafty country, 567 00:22:22,316 --> 00:22:24,116 eating French fries from a newspaper? 568 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:30,266 Mommy? 569 00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:33,466 Just promise me you're not gonna yell. 570 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:34,433 Why would I yell?! 571 00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:37,300 Good evening, ladies. 572 00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:39,116 Mr. Sheffield, I was just gonna tell my mother 573 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,350 about her investment. 574 00:22:40,383 --> 00:22:42,830 Oh, yes, as a matter of fact, 575 00:22:42,116 --> 00:22:44,160 I have some good news on that front. 576 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:45,166 I found a new investor, and you are looking at him. 577 00:22:46,350 --> 00:22:48,233 Oh, well, I thought that you never 578 00:22:48,266 --> 00:22:50,333 invested in your own plays. 579 00:22:50,366 --> 00:22:51,466 Which, frankly, I always found to be very fishy. 580 00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:54,316 Well, I hear this one's being produced 581 00:22:54,350 --> 00:22:55,450 by a man of vision and integrity. 582 00:22:58,466 --> 00:23:01,500 Oh, Sylvia, you'd have been very proud of your daughter. 583 00:23:01,830 --> 00:23:02,416 Oh, we don't need to tell her this. 584 00:23:02,450 --> 00:23:04,466 She turned down one of the wealthiest men in the country, 585 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:05,333 and she did it out of loyalty to me. 586 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,166 So that's what you were afraid to tell me, 587 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,483 that you turned down a millionaire. 588 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:14,333 Franny, you don't know your mother very well. 589 00:23:14,366 --> 00:23:15,200 Oh. 590 00:23:18,216 --> 00:23:19,483 Excuse me, is this oven gas?