FRAN: So, Gracie, are you excited
about your play date with Willie?
I think Willie just wants me for my toys.
Oh, sweetie, you might as well get used to it.
You're gonna be guarding your toys for the rest of your life.
Well, we're off.
First game of the Broadway Show League.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't you look adorable.
Gee, I don't think I've ever seen you in jeans before.
Oh. Wait a minute.
Turn around. I think you got a rip.
No, no. Looking good.
Let's get going, Dad. I wanna warm up before we play.
Oh, what's your rush? I've been to those games.
Whose idea was it to have Nell Carter
try and beat out a bunt?
[LAUGHS]
Fran, we're playing against Children of a Lesser God.
Their hand signals are awesome.
So's the guy on first base. Oh.
Oh, give it up, Maggie. They're deaf, not blind.
Here, what's this hand signal mean?
Ouch!
Well, Brighton's playing sports.
I accept tips. [SIGHS]
Please, the only reason he's on the team
is a chance of seeing Margaret trying to run.
Oh, now, don't you go making fun.
I've seen you break into a trot.
You got a littleNutty Professor thing happening yourself.
[CLEARS THROAT] Yes, well, all right. Time to play ball.
Bye, sweetheart. Have fun--
Oh, you're talking to Grace.
Master Willie is here with his nanny.
Oh, now, honey, you go make an entrance,
and check yourself like I taught ya.
[SNIFFS]
I'm fine.
Miss Fine, you might want to get dressed
for this particular nanny.
Oh, why? What, is she all snazzed up?
One of those Park Avenue nannies
withway on her hands?
Oh, look,Planet of the Apes is on at 4:00.
Hi, I'm Kurt, Willie's nanny.
Oh, hi, I'm Fran. How you doin'?
Good. Okay if I use the phone?
Oh, yeah, sure. Just pick up line two.
I'm on line one with my mother.
Ah.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing?
Oh, I thought there might be something wrong with your eyes.
A handsome man just walked through the door,
and you didn't do your usual, subtle Hanna-Barbera reaction.
Heart pounding through your thorax,
tongue unfurling and landing on the floor.
Niles, please. The man's gay.
Now, how do you know that?
You barely spoke two words to each other.
Oh, well, first of all,
I was instantly attracted to him,
which means he's definitely unavailable.
Plus, did you see that upper body?
Trust me, he's either gay or a priest with a Soloflex.
Miss Fine, you're mad. - Oh, yeah?
All right, well, watch this, Mr. Know-It-All.
Kurt, who understudied Carol Channing inDolly?
KURT: Jo Anne Worley.
Hello.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
I can never get Willie to take a nap. You're amazing.
I'm telling you, turkey makes you tired.
Why do you think they serve it at Thanksgiving?
How else can you spend eight hours with your entire family
unless half of them pass out?
Oh, what I wouldn't give for Jimmy Smits' body.
Hey, you and me both.
Meanwhile, I watch and watch.
The only one taking a shower is Dennis Franz.
Can you believe David Caruso left that show?
Oh, actors, huh?
I'm an actor.
Smart, very smart.
Is it okay if I use the phone again?
My agent asked me to call him.
Absolutely. Maybe you got a job.
Nah, he's just a sadist.
But, then, I'm addicted to rejection,
so we both get a kick. It's...
[LAUGHS]
Oh, look who's home. How'd the game go?
Oh, it depends if you're on our team or theirs.
Maxwell, it wasn't my fault.
I couldn't understand your signals.
C.C., how many things can this mean?
Run!
Next time, try yelling, "Last call."
Oh, Niles.
Dear, sweet,
"I manage your pension plan" Niles.
May I get you some tea?
You know, I don't mind that we lost.
I mean, at least I made it to first base.
You never even made it out of the dugout.
I know.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield, wait a minute.
I think you got some grass stains there.
No, no. Looking good.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield. Kurt Jacobs.
I was the understudy in your production ofEquus.
Oh, Kurt. Yes, of course.
Didn't recognize you without the big horse head.
[CHUCKLES]
Hello, Kurt.
Remember me? C.C. Babcock.
No.
I'm the producer who hired you?
Oh, right, right, right!
You, uh-- You cut your hair.
Hey, it looks really fabulous-- - Knock it off, Kurt.
So how are you? Are you working?
Yes. I'm a nanny.
Oh, how awful for you.
[CHUCKLING] Oh.
Oh, for a minute there,
I almost took that the wrong way.
So, Kurt, you're a nanny, huh?
Well, that's wonderful.
You know, children are our greatest resource.
MAGGIE: Daddy! - Not now, Margaret. I'm talking to our guest.
Well, it's been nice talking to you.
So come on, you wanna watch a littleAll My Children?
Gee, I hope it was okay to tape it over this movie tape.
"Brighton Learns to Walk."
Isn't that funny?
I never even heard that name, Brighton,
until I started working-- [GASPS]
Hey, look who's up.
Wow, you guys really nodded off.
Can we go see The Lion King
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
You're a little late.
The two of you slept right through the last show.
Besides, I gothakunas coming out of mymatatas.
It's only playing at one theater?
Yes. All the parents got together and insisted.
Well, come on. Don't go anywhere.
We're gonna watch All My Children.
Hey, listen, I haven't seen this soap in seven months.
Catch me up.
Well, they're still at Erica's party...
and the new guy slept with what's-her-face's sister.
P.S., she's late, which means she's pregnant.
Did you hear what they said?
What?
I was late forThe Lion King because we slept together.
So?
P.S., I'm pregnant!
I'd better get a job.
Miss Fine not back yet?
Oh, no, sir, she and Kurt went to the movies
and then for cappuccinos in Greenwich Village.
You think they might have got lost?
Oh, no, sir.
I think Kurt knows his way around cappuccino country.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, Kurt, stop it. I can't laugh anymore.
Oh, he does Meryl Streep inOut of Africa.
It's to die for. Do it.
"I had a farm inArfrica--" Well, he does it better.
Fran, I think Mr. Sheffield has already seen me overact.
[CHUCKLES]
I guess I could do it for you if you want...
But I won't.
Meet you upstairs, Fran.
Okay. I'll be up in a few minutes.
Kurt's gonna help me decide what clothes to return.
Visa raised my limit. Well, I showed them.
I hope you don't mind.
I know your rule about men in my room.
Oh, well, Miss Fine, it's a little different with Kurt.
He's more like your friend, Val, only with five o'clock shadow.
[LAUGHS] You've never seen Val at 5:00.
Oh, I'll tell you,
it is just so easy being with Kurt.
I mean, I don't have to act
like I give a damn about the Super Bowl,
and wherever we go, we go Dutch treat.
Although that part I could live without.
But on the upside, I can eat a side of beef in front of him
and belch up a hoof.
Wanna hand me a plate? Oh.
Well, I think you two are ideally suited.
You're both charming, outgoing people,
terrifically preoccupied with your appearance.
Oh, I know, I know.
We both just get right down to what's important.
I'll tell you, if he was straight,
I'd bring him home to my mother.
There's something I'm sure he can be grateful for.
[SIGHS] Oh, I'll tell you, it's just the story of my life.
I mean, we can have such a beautiful future together.
We both want the same things.
Except one.
No, actually, we both want that thing too.
Well, I know this one's going back.
Wait a second. Didn't you wear that yesterday?
Yeah, but I didn't break a sweat.
So tell me, is your mother a natural blond too?
Uh...yeah.
Fran, look at this. I gotta shave again.
I'm telling you something, you women have it easy.
Oh, honey, talk to me when you've got a tongue depressor
full of hot beeswax coming at your bikini line.
Ta-da.
Oh, now, this is fabulous.
Yeah? Zip me up.
Lots of easy access too.
Oh, good.
And I wasn't sure if the message would get across.
This shows off all my most sensitive areas.
Here, here, here, here--
Well, almost all my most sensitive areas.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
Hey... remember those puzzles
where you had to connect the dots?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh...
Oh, stop it, Kurt. I'm very ticklish. [GIGGLES]
Sort of like those collage boards
where you had to fill in the dots.
Kurt... Mm-hm?
What's tiramisu?
I have no idea.
Oh, my God! You're not gay?!
You're straight? What?
Oh, I can't believe this!
Oh, this dress is going back.
It's too slutty, even for me.
When did you find out you were straight?
And does your mother know?
What'd she do? Dress you in boys' clothes?
Fran, come out of the closet.
No. You go back into the closet.
I cannot believe I told you what I do for yeast infections.
I poured Correctol in front of you.
[SCREAMS]
You saw me without makeup on!
Fran, look, if you liked me when you thought I was gay...
Huh? ...you're gonna love me now.
Come on, Fran. - Huh?
Don't you feel the same way I do?
[MUMBLES]
Well, goodnight Miss Fi--
Miss Fine!
Oh! Uh... - Mr. Sheffield! Uh...
I'm really sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
Boy, this is incredibly embarrassing.
Look, Kurt, you have absolutely nothing
to feel embarrassed about.
Miss Fine, will you leave this poor man alone.
What?!
I'm so sorry about this, Kurt.
Oh, you must be feeling terrible.
Oh, my God, she's got lipstick all over you.
He might have a significant other.
Did you ever stop to think of that?
Kurt, you better go.
Mr. Sheffield's gonna hurt himself jumping to conclusions.
I'll call you tomorrow, Fran.
Okay.
What was that?
Wh-wh-what was that thing that just happened there?
Well, I got a news flash for you.
Kurt is a flaming heterosexual.
Not a bad little kisser, either.
All right.
While you're here, tell me, should I take this back?
Uh, I think you should put it on.
No. I already had it on. It flattens out my b--
Oh! Mr. Sheffield!
Why didn't you say anything?
Well, I-- I didn't notice.
You didn't-- You know, I'm beginning to wonder about you too.
Oh! Oh, I can't get it on. I'm stuck.
Help me, help me!
Relax, Miss Fine, we'll get it on.
FRAN: Don't rip it.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so hot.
I can't do this standing up.
Just-- Just get on the bed.
[GRUNTS]
If you let me tell Miss Babcock about this,
I'll work free for a year.
I brought you some pickles and ice cream.
I'm so nauseous, and my ankles are swollen.
I hate you! You
I know. I just wish I knew how.
I'm just so worried.
Are we doing the right thing,
bringing a child into this world?
Boy, could those kids play house or what?
Ah-ha. Just as I thought.
Kurt's teeth are capped.
What?
No-- I'm not making it up.
Look, look, you can see the little ridges.
See? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Maxwell, what is wrong with you today?
If you're not gonna pay any attention to me,
I might as well just go home.
[WHISTLES] Taxi!
I have three words for you - Orange County Bonds.
Mr. Sheffield, I got a couple of things to talk to you about.
Number one, do not use the downstairs bathroom.
Number two?
Exactly.
[MAXWELL CLEARS THROAT] Thank you, Miss Fine.
You know, I've just been going through Kurt's résumé.
Oh, are you thinking of giving him a job?
Well, yes.
Uh, let's see what he's suited for, hm?
"Man in crowd, man at stadium, man in parade."
Well, he was inForrest Gump.
Oh, yes. There it is. "Man at rally."
That was him?
Well, aren't you a laugh riot.
What have you got? Buddy and Sally under the desk?
Meanwhile, your son wants to talk to you. Go ahead, honey.
Um, Dad, I know you wanna get me into sports and everything,
but why do you always do shows with old ladies?
Well, excuse me, but most people'd be honored
to be on a team with Katherine Hepburn.
Well, yeah, but did you have to make her catcher?
[IMITATING KATHERINE HEPBURN] Put it there. Put it there.
I mean, how do you pitch to that?
Well, I guess I'm gonna go upstairs
and get ready for my date with Kurt.
C.C.: Nanny Fine.
Trying to pass off Kurt as a date.
How pathetic.
This from a woman who went to Cancun with a crash dummy.
Oh, haven't you heard, C.C.?
It appears our Kurt is straight.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, that's impossible.
We worked together for several months.
There was absolutely no sexual tension.
Well, duh.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I couldn't be happier
that Nanny Fine finally found a man.
And what are you looking so smug about?
Oh, just an incident in Miss Fine's room last night.
With her and Kurt?
Uh, no, with her and another man.
Oh, I love it. Tell me! Tell me!
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
I swore I wouldn't say a word. Read this.
Why?!
I wanna die!
There, there.
Now, don't do anything rash.
Good night, C.C.
You animal!
Niles?
Sir?
Did you say anything to Miss Babcock about last night?
No. You told me not to.
Good.
Niles, do you--?
Do you think I've been a little too rough on Miss Fine?
Well, she seemed to enjoy it, sir.
I'm not talking about last night.
Oh, Niles, I don't know.
It's this thing with her and Kurt.
Why is it gnawing at me like this?
Well, perhaps you feel that he's not the right man for her,
that she'd be happier with someone else.
No, that's absurd.
They're perfectly suited to each other.
So why do I find it so bloody irritating?
Oh, dear, that was the last apple.
Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?
Uh, well, yes, sir, but I didn't realize I wanted it
until someone else had sunk his teeth into it,
and now it's too late.
Oh, God, it was right there in front of me.
If only I'd snatched it up when I had the chance,
I wouldn't have this aching hunger.
Good God, man, have a bloody pear.
Hi, Niles.
Miss Fine.
Going out with Kurt?
Mm, I guess so.
Well, you don't seem very excited.
Oh, I know. I should be nuts about the guy.
I mean, he knows everything about me,
and he's still interested.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] I don't know. Maybe that's it.
There's no mystery.
It's like when you watch Columbo.
Ten minutes into it, you know who did it.
Then you spend the rest of the hour trying to figure out
which one is the glass eye.
Oh, Niles, what's wrong with me?
Oh, dear, that was the last pear.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?
Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it
until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.
Well, you snooze, you lose.
Hey, kids, what are you two still doing up?
Niles was supposed to put you to bed an hour ago.
[SNORING]
Niles! Huh?
Oh. This is not my fault. Yeah.
They gave me turkey.
Good night. Good night.
Nine minus seven?
Uh, two.
Well, what are you doing?
I'm timing her subtractions.
Three seconds.
It's time!
WILLIE: Oh, no.
We can't have the baby now.
I don't know how to get to the hospital.
Hold it. Honey, honey, calm down.
Gracie, you're not really having a baby, honey.
But you said when two people sleep together
and the girl is late--
Well, I was late forThe Lion King.
Oy, were listening to?
"Don't put peas up your nose," I have to say nine times.
Sweetie, you are definitely not pregnant.
And if you were, we would call in Geraldo immediately.
I'm not? No.
[SIGHS] Thank God.
I'd like to get a figure before I lose it.
[LAUGHS]
Come on, you two. It's time for bed.
Boy, you two are just so cute.
You go upstairs and have sweet dreams.
Uh, Willie, you sleep in Brighton's room.
Oh, Miss Fine. Good, you're home.
Hi. I, uh...
I-I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved
about you and Kurt.
Oh, well, you know, if I didn't know any better,
I would think that you were jealous.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[LAUGHING] Oh, please, Miss--
Miss Fine.
No, I, uh-- I was just concerned about the children.
I thought maybe they'd get attached to Kurt,
and then when you break up, they'd be upset.
Well, why are you so quick to saywhen
How come you assume my relationships won't work out?
Well, how's it going? It didn't work out.
Oh.
Did you part amicably?
No, not at all.
It was very friendly.
Well, don't worry, Miss Fine.
If it isn't Kurt, it-- it'll be someone else.
Hm. - Good night, Miss Fine.
Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
You know, I'm not asking for much, really.
I just want someone that's goin' in the same direction as me.
I know exactly what you mean.
Oh, Miss Fine... What?
I think you sat in something. Hm?
Nope, looking good.
Really, Ma?
Uh-huh.