Excuse me, Mr. Sheffield.
I just wanted to tell you that Tuesday,
I have to take my mother to the Bunion Center.
Oh, thank heavens you told me. Uh-huh.
Uh, meeting with Liza Minelli, conference with Donald Trump,
Miss Fine and mother at Bunion Center.
Mr. Sheffield, it's serious.
The woman has a thumb growing off the side of her foot.
She can't even fit into her socks anymore.
She has to wear a mitten.
God, I have to move out of my apartment
to get my floors redone, and I cannot find a kennel.
Oh, treat yourself to a hotel.
Not me. My dog.
Chester?
You're gonna put Chester in cage a somewhere?
Oh, I think that's terrible
to take a dog out of his warm and loving environment.
Hm.
Well, anyway, you still shouldn't do it.
My uncle Manny put his dog into a kennel,
and he was never the same again.
Would you like to know what happened?
Not really.
He put his German shepherd, King,
in a cage with male poodles.
P.S., all hopes of breeding him were over.
Oh, for heaven sake. He's a small dog.
He fits in a wet-bar fridge.
Never mind how I know that.
[DIAL TONE] Hello?
Uh, Miss Babcock, why don't you just
leave Chester here with us for a couple of days.
That is a wonderful idea.
Well, you know how much he loves me,
and he really wouldn't be any bother at all.
Oh, you don't mind, do you, Maxwell?
Huh? No, no, of course not.
Oh, well, terrific. I'll just run home and get him.
He really won't be any trouble.
He even knows how to do tricks.
He can lie down, roll over and beg.
Gee, I wonder where he learned that.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
Fran. Hi, honey.
Fran, you remember that gorgeous guy I told you about?
Oh, sweetie, that's like asking me
if I remember when they cut up my credit card.
[LAUGHS]
Jeremy Thatcher, math, third period,
hair like Brad Pitt.
Up to speed. Well, I--
Hello, sweetheart.
Hi, Dad.
Oh, sweetheart,
there's nothing you can't share with your father.
It's a female thing.
Carry on.
Boy, if ever they run out of starter flags at the Indy 500,
all they gotta do is yell, "It's a female thing,"
and watch those men take off.
Anyways, I think he's gonna ask me out
because he asked for my phone number.
[SQUEALS AND LAUGHS]
I'm gonna stay home all day in case he calls.
Oh, no, honey, you don't wanna appear too anxious.
I mean, it's better to play hard-to-get.
[PHONE RINGS] That could be him! Go, go, go.
Maxwell.
Chester!
Be careful. He's been in a foul mood all day.
Oh. You know, if he had a little more hair on his back,
he could be my ex-boyfriend. [LAUGHS]
All right, enough already. Come to Mama.
[SNARLS]
[BARKS]
Oh, Maxwell, thank God you're here.
I was having lunch at Fontina with a William Morris agent,
and, well, to make a long story short--
Take note of how she does this, Miss Fine.
I just nailed down the rights to our first feature film.
C.C., what would we want with film rights?
We're theater producers.
Oh, Maxwell, the theater's dying.
It's time we branched out.
You know, I'm with Miss Babcock on that one.
I mean, when you're paying 65 bucks
to see Brooke Shields singing in pedal pushers,
you know the end is near.
[MURMURS]
All right. So, what film have we bought the rights to?
Lamb Chop, the Movie.
Oh, that is so exciting. [CHESTER BARKS]
You know, when I was a little girl,
we couldn't afford a Lamb Chop doll,
so Grandma Yetta would put on a white, curly wig,
and then she'd take her teeth out,
and Grandpa would stick his hand up her blouse...
Gee, come to think of it,
I think there was a good time had by all.
So let me get this straight, C.C.
I have worked with Gielgud, Burton, Olivier,
and now I'm producing a film starring a sock?
Maxwell, last year that sock
topped a hundred million in merchandising.
Children, guess what.
You're going to meet Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.
Oh, Lamb Chop. I just love her.
You know, if Lamb Chop had married Howdy Doody,
her name would be Lamb Doody. [LAUGHS]
I really killed them with that in kindergarten.
Answer phones on what telethon, Ma?
I saidShari to the house, notJerry
Oy.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine!
Oh, Ma, I gotta go. Something just hit the fan.
The category is dog.
Now, for 20 points, can anyone tell me
what's on the bottom of my wingtip?
Ah.
I believe the young lady with the big hair buzzed in first.
Did Chester leave you a little gift?
Shh, shh!
Miss Fine, I think he meant for it to be a secret,
because he hid it under my desk.
Well, if I could scrape it out of your gym bag,
you certainly c-- Oh, is that--?
Is that picture crooked over there?
Miss Fine, would you please keep that dog's bowels under control.
Ugh, is this the biggest gross-out in the world?
And yet you spread it over your garden,
and you get a tomato the size of your head.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, here you go, Niles. I'll get the door.
Oh, so this means Mr. Sheffield is in his stocking feet,
and I have yet to clean up Chester's other little deposit
in the... MAXWELL: Niles!
...hall.
Oh, my God, it's Shari Lewis.
Hello.
I saw your lips move.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, hello, Miss Chop.
I'm Fran Fine,
and I must tell you that I have been a fan of yours
ever since I was a little girl.
Ever since you were--
[SNORTS]
[LAUGHS]
Ah, that is um-possible.
I'm only six.
Oh, come on, I used to watch you on my black-and-white TV--
I'm only six.
Oh, I get it. That's okay.
My mother counts in lamb years too.
[LAUGHS]
Shari, welcome.
Oh! Maxwell Sheffield.
How do you do?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Sheffield, don't snub the lamb.
She's the whole show.
Oh, ha, of course.
Uh, ahem, Maxwell Sheffield.
Enchanté, I'm sure.
[GIGGLES]
[SPITS]
Well, Shari, if you wouldn't mind,
my little girl is just dying to meet you.
Cute tush.
Lamb Chop!
I'd follow him to school one day.
Get the feeling Lamb Chop's fleece is not as white as snow?
What grade are you in?
My grade is...USDA.
[LAUGHS]
Huh?
Hello.
[IMITATES KNOCKING SOUND] Is this thing turned on?
Miss Lewis. Oh, thank you.
Oh, is that for me?
I'll get you something, Lamb Chop.
How about Woolite on the rocks?
I work alone, Benson.
Now he's upset the lamb.
You better go over and pet her.
Miss Fine, I'm not petting a puppet.
Why? She's a big star.
Once in a while, they all need stroking.
But I didn't pet Gielgud or Olivier.
Well, maybe if you did,
you wouldn't be making Lamb Chop, the Movie.
Oh, oh.
[GIGGLES]
Oh.
Oh, that was nice. Don't stop.
Hello, hello.
Sorry I'm late.
Hello, Miss Lewis. C.C. Babcock.
Oh, hello--
[SCREAMS]
What did I do?
Miss Babcock, your coat.
New Zealand lamb?
So? - Maybe she had people there.
Oh!
Take it off.
Three words she doesn't hear often.
BOTH: Yes!
Niles, isn't that sweet?
You're bonding with the sheep.
Not the first time, I'm sure.
Bravo.
You win.
Every dog has her day.
Maxwell, you have a beautiful house.
And I want to thank you for inviting us.
Well, we're delighted Shari. Oh.
Besides, I always find hotels a little impersonal.
Ah, speak for yourself.
At a hotel at least I could get a massage.
Oh.
And you could use a manicure.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh!
Anyway, Shari, I have--
I have some wonderful ideas for this film.
And I've got a few ideas of my own.
[CLICKS, GIGGLES]
My room, later.
Better wear a rubber glove.
Why didn't you make outside?
I didn't have to go that bad.
Not you, Val.
Oh, Niles, he didn't do his business.
Well, that's not his territory.
Perhaps if you moved the Persian rug outside.
Ha-ha.
Gee, I don't know what's wrong with him, Val.
He had his whole meal.
Ate two slippers, Brighton's homework
and the Theater Guild award Mr. Sheffield
had that sick attachment to.
Fran, I can't believe it. It finally happened.
Oh, honey, you're a year younger than when I--
Wait a minute. What finally happened?
Jeremy finally asked me out.
We're going to a retro drive-in movie.
Oh, a drive-in. Oh, honey.
What kind of car does he drive? - A Miata.
Four on the floor. No back seat.
Have fun.
So where's Shari?
Oh, she's on business.
But Lamb Chop's here.
Oh, I-I get to meet Lamb Chop?
Oh, I promise, I won't say anything stupid.
Too late, Val.
Oh, isn't that adorable?
Bordering on psychotic, but adorable.
Shh! Shh!
[WHISPERING] Don't wake her up.
Val, Led Zeppelin couldn't wakeher
Oh, look.
What?
Look, her little dresses. [CHUCKLES]
How come she never wears them?
Val, these are Shari's.
[GASPS]
I don't know what you're so shocked about.
She's very petite.
[GASPS]
[THEME FROM 'PSYCHO' PLAYS]
[CHESTER GROWLING] [BOTH GASP]
BOTH: Chester!
Chester, put Lamb Chop down. [GROWLS]
Come to Auntie Franny.
Val, don't make any sudden moves.
Chester! [LOUD THUD]
Chester, there he is. Come here.
Oh, Chester.
What did you do with--?
[GASPS]
Val...
Chester ate Lamb Chop. [GASPS]
[BURPS]
Come on, Chester. Purge, purge.
Do you want me to stick your paw down your throat?
[LAUGHS]
Niles, it's not funny.
Oh, no, you're right.
It's a tragedy.
[CACKLES]
Oh, and you know what the worst part of it all is?
Just because I suggested that Chester come stay with us,
and I brought him up to Shari's room and put him down
so that I could rifle through her personal stuff,
Mr. Sheffield's gonna find some crazy way
of blaming this all on me.
[CHUCKLES] No, you know what the worst part is?
What?
He forgot the mint jelly.
[CACKLES]
[GROWLS AND BARKS]
Stop it.
It's not funny.
[BOTH CACKLE]
Do you think that when Shari finds out
that Lamb Chop was eaten,
it's gonna blow the movie deal?
[BOTH GUFFAW]
What? - I was just asking Niles--
[GASPS]
Maxwell!
Head her off, Miss Fine. You can do it!
["CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME PLAYS]
["CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME CONTINUES PLAYING]
[THUD] [MUSIC STOPS]
So, Miss Fine, do you have anything to say?
Uh...you missed a belt loop?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, why aren't you saying anything?
You're scaring me.
I like it better when you yell and scream.
Please, let it out.
That's right, Maxwell. Let it out.
Let's not forget who's responsible for all of this.
Your dog. That's right.
So, Miss Fine, what--? What would you like me to say, hm?
I mean, my film career's over before it began.
Oh, let's not be naysayers.
He ate the bloody star!
All right. Now you're back with me.
And it is your fault.
You were responsible for that fur-covered colon.
Well, I said it.
I knew you'd find a way to blame this on me.
NILES: Yes, she did, sir.
But I've got a plan.
NILES: Yes, she does, sir.
And, as you know, my plans never fail.
[NILES CACKLES]
Eyelash.
Hot glue.
Puff.
Oh, no.
Oh, God, are you insane?
Mr. Sheffield, trust me.
I once accidentally destroyed my father's toupee,
and I made an exact replica out of the toilet seat cover.
That looked real? Yeah.
Plus, he matched the towels.
NILES: That's all right, Miss Lewis.
I'll get it for you.
Incoming.
Thank you very much, Niles. Mm-hm.
[THUD AT DOOR] C.C.: Ooh!
Didn't you see me?
What's your point?
Hi, Shari.
We were just sitting around here, talking with Lamb Chop.
You know, I gave her a makeover.
Make her hair a little higher
to balance out the mutton thighs.
What have you done with her?
This isn't my Lamb Chop.
Why? I think she's got a refreshing, earthy quality.
Fran Chop.
[LAUGHS]
Shari, I'm afraid we owe you a bit of an explanation.
You think?
Oh, Miss Lewis,
you really shouldn't be angry at Mr. Sheffield.
The truth of the matter is
her dog ate Lamb Chop.
You know, Shari, the lamb was holding you back.
You're better off without her.
She told me she was seeing another hand.
You know, I know that you've experienced
a great loss, Miss Lewis,
but you really shouldn't blame Miss Babcock,
although you've got a very legitimate case against her.
Miss Fine, perhaps Miss Lewis would like a moment of silence
for the lamb--
Look! Lamb Chop!
Oh!
SHARI: Lamb Chop!
Oh, look, Chester didn't eat her.
You know, he must have dropped her down the laundry chute
like I used to do to Grac...
...cious me, I haven't done my homework yet.
Let's go.
[SPITTING]
Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Well, thank goodness she's okay.
Yeah, okay? Speak for yourself.
I was practically strangled by a leopard thong bikini.
Oh...sorry.
Oh, Shari, I-I'm most terribly sorry about all this.
Oh, forget it. I want out of this deal!
Lamb Chop, let's not be hasty.
Let's not forget who owns 52 percent.
We're outta here.
Well, look, if she doesn't wanna do it,
she doesn't wanna do it.
I'm really sorry.
You'll have to get Miss Piggy for your project.
Miss Piggy?
That ham?
Honey, she's the new white meat.
You know, maybe you are overreacting.
Well, why don't we, uh,
step into my office and, uh, discuss this.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, it-- There's no harm in just...talking.
[CLICKS]
Shall we? Hey, shall we?
[WHISPERING] Come here.
How's my breath?
[EXHALES]
S'all right? S'all right.
Good. Go, go, go, go.
LAMB CHOP: Excuse me,
but this is a private meeting.
You know that guy I'm going to the drive-in movie with?
Yeah. The one with the Miata.
Well, the Miata's in the shop,
so he's bringing his father's Lincoln.
Oh, better. Big back seat. What movie you seeing?
Legends of the Fall.
Ooh, sexy.
We're gonna have such a good time.
Kids! Brighton! Gracie!
We're going to a drive-in.