Hey, Fran, did you see?
Billy Ray Cyrus is having a kissing contest
at Tower Records to find a girl for the cover of his new album.
Oh, I love Billy Ray Cyrus.
Remember that cowboy bar we used to go to in Flushing?
Of course! I'm not just rock 'n' roll,
I'm a little bit country too. [SNAPS]
Oh, they used to have a mechanical bull.
I used to ride that thing like crazy.
Oh, I'll tell you, if he was Jewish, I woulda married him.
Of course.
So are you gonna enter?
Oh, are you kidding? I'd never win.
Pamela Chapman is entering.
Oh, she's so gorgeous, even her mother hates her.
Oh.
Sweetie, you've got to have more self-confidence.
All of those overdeveloped girls just peak in high school.
Yeah, remember that girl from our school
who was so beautiful and so popular
that everyone thought she would own the world?
Then her fiancé dumped her, she got fired from her job,
and she wound up working as a na--
Fran, were you ever in a kissing contest?
Well... I wouldn't exactly call it a contest.
I mean, how many contestants can you fit in a '77 Comet?
But I must say,
Jerry Swartz and I spent the better part
ofThe Blue Lagoon tongue wrestling.
You mean, thumb
Oh, yes, of course, honey.
That's exactly what I meant.
Thanks for correcting me.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
Fran, why am I doing this?
I don't have a chance of winning a kissing contest.
Sweetie, you could do it with your eyes closed.
Well, actually, you do it with your eyes open.
Fran, you spy on me and Sean when we're making out?
Honey, spying and living vicariously
are two completely different things.
Sean? What happened to Peter?
Oh, he's got a bad haircut.
He'll be back in a couple of weeks.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, that's Sean.
Oh, how am I gonna tell him
that I'm entering a kissing contest?
Sweetie, just slip it in to the conversation.
Be subtle.
Hi, Sean. Hi, Maggie.
Hi, Fran.
Hi, sweetie. [DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, look at this! A kissing contest!
Oh, let's enter.
Meanwhile, she's fighting 'em off with a stick,
and I'm having impure thoughts about Judge Ito.
Honey, you might as well tell Sean.
Now is as good a time as any.
Wrong! Red alert! [IMITATES SIREN]
Mating season in Queens, Miss Fine?
[LAUGHS]
Hello, darling. [SMOOCHES]
How's my little girl, huh?
Margaret. [CLEARS THROAT]
Margaret? Oh, my dear!
Dad! Oh. I-I'm-- I'm sorry.
Um, it's, uh, Peter, right?
Sean, Daddy!
Oh, yes, right. Uh, Sean.
Well, of course, in England Peter is short for Sean,
which is one of the many reasons why I left.
Let me show you how to be subtle.
Speaking of England, does everybody know
that Billy Ray Cyrus is holding a kissing contest
to see what girl is gonna be
on the cover of his latest CD?
A kissing contest, huh? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, not a bad ruse to get
thousands of young girls to pucker up.
I'll tell you.
Tough job, eh, uh...lad?
Man! Think about it.
Girls lining up, all dying to kiss you.
Now when I'm in that situation... [SNAPS]
...I'd pick out the prettiest girl,
I'd take her home.
She puts on something sexy.
And then I...
wake up, and Niles makes me a really big bowl
[SOBBING] of Cap'n Crunch.
Speaking of Cap'n Crunch,
I guess it's no problem if Maggie enters the contest.
What? What?
Maggie, I'm not letting you do this.
Sean, you can't tell me what to do.
You don't own me. Absolutely right.
I do. Margaret, no contest.
Oh, come on, Daddy. All my friends are doing it.
Ah, Maggie, Maggie, Oz has spoken.
Goodbye. Go.
Take the Dutch boy.
Oh...
You're gonna work on him.
Oh, so you're gonna work on me, eh?
No, Mr. Sheffield, I am not gonna work on you.
In fact, I happen to agree with you.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you saw how upset Sean got.
I mean, he can't stand the thought
of her kissing anyone else.
If she enters the contest,
it could bust those two kids up.
Hm.
We'd never see Sean again.
Uh, Miss Fine... Yes?
Perhaps you're being a little too harsh on Margaret.
Oh, am I? Well, uh, yeah.
I mean, after all,
all of her friends are gonna be doing it.
Oh, okay.
Standing in line for hours reminds me of home.
You know, we only had one bathroom.
My father would go in with the Sunday morning paper
and not come out tillMurder, She Wrote.
Fran, I don't stand a chance.
All these girls are so sexy. Oh,
sweetie, they've got nothing on you.
In fact, you've got something
that they lost a long time ago.
You still got it, don't you?
Oh, no. There's Pamela Chapman.
That gorgeous, stuck-up snob.
Hi.
Oh, sweetie, she's no threat to-- Wow!
I didn't know Brad Pitt and Claudia Schiffer had a kid.
All right, well, honey...
you just go in there and...
get it over with.
Uh... You, honey. Come here.
I'm from Humina Humina Records,
and, uh...
you don't need to wait in line.
You made the cut.
Really? Shh!
You know what'd happen if anyone found out I was here?
Write this down.
Go to, uh...
1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Ask for Lily or Herman.
Thank you!
Oh, I feel terrible.
So awful.
You. Honey, come here.
I'm from Humina Humina-- MAGGIE: Fran! Fran.
Oh, my gosh. That was so cool.
He [GIGGLES]
This is so cool! [LAUGHING]
You've gotta do it.
Oh. What, are you kidding?
Oh, why not? For a goof. Go on.
Oh, sweetie, I came here for you.
I'm not gonna waltz myself up to Billy Ray Cyrus,
throw my arms around his neck
and suck those farm boy lips off.
I wouldn't know where to begin.
Oh, come on. Go for it.
It's really fun, Fran. [GIGGLES]
Well, it's fun for you to kiss a celebrity,
but I get kissed--
Out of my way.
Do it, Fran!
How could you do it, Fran?
Well, you told me to go for it.
Well, I didn't tell you to win.
I'm sorry.
My mouth has a mind of its own.
There's no stopping it.
Never a truer word spoken.
All right. So, what's going on here?
I can't believe it. By tomorrow,
everybody at school's gonna know
that my nanny beat me out of a kissing contest.
What? You won the contest?
Well...if you want to call it a contest.
Well, as far as your winning this contest is concerned,
we'll sort this nonsense out in no time.
Nonsense?
Well, Miss Fine, you don't seriously think
you actually won, do you?
They were looking for a beautiful teenager.
And lovely as you are,
you're not exactly a teenager, eh?
Well, I remember my graduation
a lot better than some people
that I won't spell it out for Y-O-U.
Please, Miss Fine, you don't seriously expect me
to believe you beat out hundreds of young girls
just because of your kissing prowess?
No, I beat them because
I happen to be a fabulous kisser.
Don't you think you've gone a little overboard
on the hyperbole?
[SNIFFING]
I'm wearing Obsession.
Miss Fine, this is insanity.
There's absolutely no way
you could have won that contest legitimately.
Oh, no? No.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, you asked for it, buster.
Mm.
[MOANS]
Well, I'm sorry I had to get tough with you,
but you had to learn.
Ah.
Yes.
Well, um...
Right, o-of course, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
you know, Miss Fine, I...
I thought I'd considered every possible scenario.
Maggie wins, and I'm miserable.
Maggie loses, she's miserable.
But, aha!
Here's the wild card.
You win, and we're all miserable.
Meanwhile, if you're so miserable,
how come I know you had clams casino
and a side salad for lunch?
Decaf cappuccino and a bite of crème brûlée...
I thought you were off the sweets.
Miss Fine!
[SNIFFING]
Miss Fine, you have to consider my position in this.
I-I have a certain stature in the community.
I can't have you kissing someone
on an album cover.
You're my nanny, for heaven sakes.
Your nanny?
Is that what I am to you,
your nanny?
Well, yes.
All right. You caught me on a technicality.
I cannot have the person that's raising my children
doing something like this.
Well, who said I was gonna do it?
Well, I-I thought you just won the contest?
Well, what does that have to do with anything?
Oh, you're such a man sometimes.
Don't you realize that your daughter
has a very low self-esteem?
Something like this could crush her.
Is that what you want?
No. No.
W-what I want right now is to be in a pub
with my hands wrapped round a tall lager.
A logger?
Do the kids know you're considering
an alternate lifestyle?
It's a beer, Miss Fine.
Oh.
Well, speak English.
If you had absolutely no intention
of going through with this album cover
in the first place, what are we arguing about?
Well, I have no idea.
I can't shake the image
of you picking up Paul Bunyan in a bar.
God!
[SIGHS]
It would be easier to have them raised by wolves.
[BILLY RAY CYRUS' "STORM IN THE HEARTLAND" PLAYS]
Do you think I went overboard
with this ensemble?
No. You look just like when my Hebrew school
didThe Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
This is so exciting.
I'm gonna meet Billy Ray Cyrus. - I know.
I wonder if he's related to Sugar Ray Leonard.
Oh, he is so gorgeous.
Take a picture of us.
Try and look lifelike.
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
There he is. There he is.
Oh. He's so hot. I know.
VAL: Look at that body, those eyes.
Hi, Fran. Hi.
She's perfect, Billy Ray.
Isn't she?
Oh. Thank you, Mr. Cyrus.
Oh, Mr. Cyrus. That sounds funny.
Gee, you know, if Emily Bronte married you,
her name would be Bronte-Cyrus.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Anyway, Mr. Cyrus,
as flattered as I am that you picked me
to be your kiss girl,
I can't be on your album cover.
You're turning us down?
I'm afraid I have to.
You don't want to be in my new video?
No.
You don't want to be the kiss girl on my European tour?
[WHINING] No.
How about a couple tickets to the Grammys?
There's a party at Streisand's after.
What are we really talking about here?
The kid is an heiress.
She's got toothpicks for thighs.
She'll bounce back.
Go, go, go.
No, no, no!
I'm sorry, but I can't.
Honey, you gotta do it.
You look great with Billy Ray. Oh.
Those teenagers made him look a little long in the tooth.
What?
Fran, what my ex-manager is trying to say is,
kissing you will appeal to a much broader audience.
Yeah, older broads.
Was I drunk when I hired you?
I am not an older broad.
Tell him, Val.
Well, you're older than me.
Shut up, Val!
I'm sorry, but my mind is made up.
Darling, this is a great opportunity
for a woman like you.
You just gonna walk on out of here with nothing?
No, I'm gonna walk out knowing
that I did not destroy the self-esteem
of a very insecure young...heiress.
Um, and that's all I need.
Come on, Val.
Help me carry this on the bus.
Oh, how many times have I asked you children
to close the refrigerator?
What?
Miss Fine, I've told you
there's nothing to be depressed about.
You are a beautiful young woman.
What are you, 32, 34?
You better be talking about my bra size,
or you're gonna become...
awfully chummy with a turkey leg.
Fran, um, I'm sorry I made such a big deal
about the contest.
Hey, the best woman won.
Oh, honey, stop knocking yourself.
Being the best had nothing to do with it.
Being the one most likely
to pass a liver spot off as a coffee stain
is what put me over the top.
Bottom line, you made him look old,
and I made him look young.
Really?
Sweetie, you're too beautiful.
That's your only curse.
Fran, I love you.
I love you more.
Hey, at least Pamela didn't win. Mm-hm.
I heard some lady at the contest
sent her on a wild-goose chase.
Oh. That's terrible.
Gee, did they say if they saw who it was?
Oh, no. The girls just said it was some older lady.
Fabulous.
Oh, Niles. Hm?
You know what the worst part of it all is?
Not that in five years my tush is gonna need training wheels.
That Mr. Sheffield was right.
I mean, where do I come off
thinking I can compete with young girls?
Well, it was a little far-fetched.
Niles, don't help me.
I don't need your two cents.
Hm. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, but I will need a 20. That's my pizza.
Miss Fine, we're having dinner in an hour.
I know. Why do you think I ordered thin crust?
Thank you. Keep the change.
[MUFFLED] Oh, hi, Miss Babcock.
So, Niles, what's wrong with Nanny Fine?
Oh, come on, Niles, tell me or I'll just die.
You say it, but you don't mean it.
Miss Fine won the contest
because they were looking for an older woman.
There.
Now I suppose you'll run and tell Mr. Sheffield,
because somehow in your sick, twisted mind
this will make you appear more appealing.
Niles, please. That is beneath me.
[WHISTLES A TUNE]
May I help you?
[GRUNTS]
Nanny Fine's old!
What?
She didn't win the contest
'cause she's a good kisser.
She won it because they wanted someone
really old, like her.
Old?
Oh, that's preposterous.
I mean, what is she, 29, 30?
Oh, please!
To what power?
I mean, do we really know how old she is
under all that makeup?
Your age.
She could be...
That's right. She could be close to--
Forget it, Niles!
Oh, it is so pathetic.
Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest.
I mean, kissing is an art.
It has to be sensuous... deeply felt...
And most of all, it has to be spontaneous.
Was it as bad for you as it was for me?
Oh, poor Miss Fine.
And I was so insensitive to her.
Maybe I should go see if she's all right.
No. No, wait. Come back.
[GARGLING]
Didn't work out quite as you planned, did it?
You set me up, didn't you?
The run, the chase, getting stuck in the door.
Everything!
My mental health is just a sick game to you, isn't it?!
Rack 'em up. Let's play again.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] MAXWELL: Miss Fine.
Oh, um, don't come in.
I'm not dressed.
[SOFTLY] Come in.
Miss Fine, I do hope
you'll be coming down to dinner.
I can't have my favorite nanny wasting away.
I don't think I could eat.
Do I... [SNIFFS]
Do I smell pizza?
No. [SNIFFS]
No. That's just Glade's new Italian fresh scent.
Miss Fine, I heard about the contest,
and I just can't bear the thought
of you feeling badly about yourself.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
That's awfully sweet of you.
But really, there's nothing you can say or do
that's gonna make me feel any better.
Well, then I suppose I'd be wasting my breath
if I told you that I think no girl could possibly
be a match for a woman like you.
Ah, give it a shot.
Why are you Americans so obsessed with youth?
You know, I prefer the more civilized
European sensibility that--
that people improve with age, like--
like fine wine.
Especially a beautiful wine that's robust and earthy,
yet sweet and strangely compelling.
Oh. You're good.
Oh, one more thing before I stop wasting my breath.
I think you are oneheck
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, stop.
[CHUCKLES] Go on.
I can't remember being kissed like that.
As a matter of fact, I don't think
I've ever been kissed quite like that before.
No more. I'm blushing. [CHUCKLES]
Like what?
Well, with such passion.
Such abandon.
Such... Such...?
Suction.
Yeah, well...
Danny used to always call me his little Dirt Devil.
Really?
Isn't that...charming.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you are so wonderful.
Here I was eating--
my heart out.
And then you come up and make me feel so much better.
You're such a doll. I could just...
Just what, Miss Fine?
Kiss you.
Oh.
Oh, well, far be it from me to refuse
a token of gratitude from a lady.
Thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
It's nice to know I've still got it.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]