All right. Now, prepare yourself, honey.
This is Loehmann's semi annual, red star clearance.
You are gonna see things today,
that will haunt you for the rest of your shopping life.
Excuse me. Please. Please, excuse me.
Shouldn't we help that woman in the wheelchair through first?
Oh, honey, stand your ground.
Last year when they put out the Donna Karan,
she popped out of that chair and screamed, "It's a miracle."
Oh, all right. They're about to open the door.
-Watch your nose. -Why? What's gonna happen to my--
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL YELLING]
Oh! Oh, God. Oh, look at this. Oh, this is so my color.
Oh, wait, it seems to be.... Oh, it's, like, hooked on something.
-Help me. -Excuse me, please.
-I had this sweater first. -[CHUCKLES] I believe you're mistaken.
-I've got the cuff. -I've got the armpit.
I've got your kid.
Hah. She's not mine.
Listen, I'm warning you, my nicotine patch fell off,
my mother's in town and my boyfriend
just left me for my brother.
Now, I'm over 30, single, and I work for her.
Hold onto this and don't let go honey.
Hey, did you see the movie,Babe,
-Yeah. -Well, they ate him at the wrap party.
Well, I can't hear you!
[♪♪♪]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Oh, I'm telling you, ma, the kid is a natural.
Honey, show her what you did to get those women away
-from the Calvin Klein rack. -"Look, there's John John!"
You don't learn these things in books.
[FRAN LAUGHS]
Meanwhile, ma, what'd you have for lunch over there?
You got enough butter on you to have your ownLast Tango in Paris.
I had a lobster.
Your Uncle Stanley caught them near Rockaway Beach.
Ma, they don't even like people to swim in that water.
It could be toxic.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing wrong with those lobsters.
They're excellent. Plus, they got two tails.
All right. So when you grow that second mouth out of your shoulder,
you can eat'em at the same time.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Ma, you made daddy sit in the car for two hours?
We got a car phone at a time share walk-through.
Now, he can sit and call Howard Stern.
Why he wants to get screamed at and berated,
I will never understand.
Lay off the horn, youyutz!
Ms. Fine, have you seen Brighton's science test?
-He got a 66. -Wow, Brighton, you passed.
By a hair. That is no good.
I'm not kidding, young man.
We went through all this last semester.
You keep this up and I'm gonna have to send you to military school.
-What? -Military school?
Are you serious?
Nothing but young men. No women for miles around?
I mean, for me it'd be nice.
Dad, look, I've got a big science project due.
I've been working on it for weeks.
It's definitely gonna bring my grade up.
Oh, my God, where did my moldy strawberry go? Oh, I'm dead!
Well, you better think of something else pretty soon, young man.
And try to be more inventive than moldy fruit.
And I don't want you helping him either.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Not after the review my strawberry got.
Brighton needs to learn to do things on his own.
-I've packed your briefcase, sir. -Thank you.
You make things far too easy for the boy.
He'll never become a man.
Doesn't have that boyish thing happening, sir.
Oh, there we are.
Are the kids yours or does he do everything for you?
I'm serious, Ms. Fine.
And just because Brighton has a trust fund
don't think I'm gonna let him end up jet-setting around the world,
skiing and yachting and flitting from party to party.
Oh, he's got far too much pride for that.
I mean, for me it'd be nice.
Maxwell, I am sorry I'm late. I had to pack a bag.
They're fumigating my apartment.
They've tried that before. You always come back.
Anyway, it's very difficult to find a hotel that will accept dogs.
Did you promise you wouldn't hump the bellboy's leg?
You know, Niles, it's a pity we don't see more of one another.
-Maxwell, I just had a crazy notion. -[DOG BARKS]
Why don't Chester and I stay here?
Yes, of course, C.C., Niles will take care of everything.
Oh, good. Here you go.
Give him one of these pills three times a day.
-I'll put it in his food. -Wrong end.
Well, I just thank God, that I was making tea while opening the mail
when this envelope addressed to you accidentally steamed opened.
Applications for military school?
I can't believe you're thinking about sending my baby away.
Who is this man I'm living with? I don't even know you anymore.
Ms. Fine, I happen to think discipline is a way of showing love.
Well, I am seeing a whole new side to you
that frankly I find...
intriguing.
[MEOWS]
Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield,
you got a cat on your terrace.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
He's probably hungry. I feed him something this time everyday.
Mr. Sheffield, I thought you said you hated cats.
No. I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber'sCats.
Here, Shoes.
-Shoes? -Yeah.
Roger Clinton's cat from next door. Socks' sister.
Shoes and Socks?
And these are the people they think they're clever enough
to orchestrate Whitewater?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you better watch out.
Look at this, you've got a little bird's nest
with three little bird's eggs.
I thought birds laid their eggs in the spring.
She's a bit late, isn't she?
Hey, it's the '90s.
She don't have to lay eggs the minute she moves out of her parents' nest.
Maybe she spent the last three years sitting on somebody else's
waiting for that certain gray-streaked pigeon to make his move.
-What are you doing? -It's my science project.
Maggie gave me the idea.
See, I'm comparing different types of lipsticks to see
which one's gonna stay on the longest.
Oh, that's a good one.
Honey, that's not gonna get you an "A" in science.
But it'll definitely get you out of military school.
Oh, you're right. It stinks.
You know what? Military school might not be so bad.
Fran, when I'm gone, I want you to have my room.
Honey, stop it. I don't want it.
Sure I could break through that wall and create a fabulous dressing area
with a tremendous walk-in closet.
But I don't need that, I need you.
Are these hardwood floors under here?
If I could just think of a great science project.
Well, I'm sorry, but I cannot help you with that, mister.
You are gonna have to think about that all on your own.
Okay. Here's my idea.
There were three abandoned eggs in a nest on the terrace.
I thought you could incubate them with heat lamps
and then you can document the hatching.
Fran, that's a great idea. How'd you think of it?
Well, who knows more about eggs just sitting around going to waste than me?
Hello.
Maxwell, I thought we might have a little nightcap.
MAXWELL'S VOICE: I don't want to do it at the house.
Meet me at the Regency Hotel in an hour.
Niles? What are you doing hanging around outside my room?
I was anxious to hear how your meeting at the Regency went.
Did Pavarotti agree to sing "Pagliacci" at your benefit?
-After I buttered him up. -[SWITCHES RECORDER ON]
I said, "I've dreamed of seeing you dressed like a clown.
Oh, God, it would be thrilling."
[SWITCHES RECORDER OFF]
Thank you.
Hey, honey, what are you doing?
Oh, The Limited is having a blowout sale.
Sweetie.
What are you thinking?
-It's tomorrow. -Oh.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello. -Fran listen, I need you to do me a really big favor.
You've got to turn the heat lamps on the eggs for 15 minutes.
B, I'm not supposed to help you.
Come on, Fran, you've always helped me.
You've been like a mother to me.
Forget it, B, it's not gonna work.
Of course you're far too young to be a mother.
All right. It worked.
This is the last time I wanna hear about your stupid eggs, uh... mama.
Oh, is that your mother? I need to speak with her.
Sylvia, hello. Listen, about those tickets you wanted.
[HIGH VOICE] I can't talk now. I'm nauseous.
Yeah. I hope to see you soon, ma.
Get it?
Or your father's gonna be sending us both to military school.
Of course, I could use a few good men.
Maxwell.
C.C., what's the matter with you?
You've barely spoken two words to me all day.
What happened to our little meeting at the Regency?
Oh, I decided to handle it myself.
Maxwell, I would have loved to have helped you.
Yes, I appreciate that, C.C. but it really went much faster without you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, I hate, An Affair to Remember.
Why are you making me watch this?
[CRYING] Tell him you can't walk.
Tell him he ruined your life.
Make him feel guilty!
She's obviously not Jewish.
Oh, well, now I'm too upset to study.
Oh, I'll have to go out and get some burgers with my friends.
Thanks a lot, Fran!
-I'm home. -Oh, there you are.
How can you spend so long at a mall?
Oh, this from a woman that once spent two hours
at Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes?
There are 80 toppings, dear.
Now did you remember to turn the heat lamps on?
Yes. I am responsible.
You know, you better get your act together mister.
What are you gonna do when I'm married and have kids of my own
and I'm not living here anymore?
All right, bad example.
Come on, Fran, what's the big deal?
All I asked you to do was turn on a light.
It isn't a big deal,
unless I forget to turn it off.
Oh, God, I'm going to boot camp.
Oh, B, it looks like it's okay. Look, look, see.
Which only goes to prove that heat is--
-Oh, oh, oh, invincible! -[EGGS CRACK]
Do you think it broke?
All right. You know what? Let's just be positive.
It could still be all right.
You never read "Humpty Dumpty," huh, kid?
Oh, God, I can't look.
B, we're in luck. We're in luck.
It didn't break-- because it's hard boiled.
Oh, my God.
I'm very modest. Do you think I can get a private latrine?
Well, B, I think that we can salvage this egg.
-How? -Uh...
you got any salt?
This is C.C. Babcock.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
MAXWELL'S VOICE:I've dreamed of seeing you dressed like a clown.
Oh, God, it would be thrilling.
♪♪ Working nine to five ♪♪
♪♪ What a way to make a living ♪♪
[HUMMING]
Oh, Niles, you know, I was thinking,
Mr. Sheffield is right. If I help Brighton with his project,
it's only gonna hurt him.
You've already gotten involved and screwed up?
Yeah.
And now there's really nothing I can do about it
except to tell Mr. Sheffield the truth.
Here's the two things I came up with.
-Hello. -Hello.
Hi, ma. Mwah!
Fran, I brought you one of Uncle Stanley's lobsters.
You gotta try.
Ma! I'm not eating that thing.
Never mind the two tails, its got eyebrows.
You are so critical. That's why you're not married.
Meanwhile, ma, what's with this big rash all over your chest?
Oh, look, its up here now.
I think its your father's beard.
I also got one on my calf, my knee, my thigh, my--
All right. All right, ma. Don't draw me a picture.
I think that you should put on some calamine lotion
and go soak in a lukewarm tub.
-All right. -Mwah.
-You didn't mean here, did you? -No.
Ms. Fine, I am very proud of Brighton.
You know, he's been so busy with his science project
-he hasn't left his room all day. -Huh.
Now, you haven't helped him, have you?
Oh, believe me, I've been no help to him at all.
Good. Here's a little bonus in your paycheck this week.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I haven't helped him with anything either.
What is your secret?
I keep telling you, Niles,
big hair and short skirts.
That's what got Mel Gibson the Oscar.
What happened to telling Mr. Sheffield the truth?
-Well, I decided to take the road more traveled. -[CHUCKLES]
Now, all I have to do is get Brighton an extension on his
But I have never met a teacher that I couldn't wrap around my little pinkie.
-His teacher is a woman. -Got any cash?
Oh, wow!
Mm, I'm getting such a deja vu here.
What is it?
Oh, here we go.
-Detention, honey? -Yeah.
I was putting on make-up in class.
Oh, you know, you really shouldn't do that.
-You're here to learn. -Oh, I don't need school.
I'm gonna marry a doctor, live in Great Neck,
right after my mother moves to Boca.
How do you feel about being a domestic?
Learn to love it, baby.
-Cute sweater. -Oh, thanks.
-Where'd you get it? -Oh, I got it at--
Oh, boy.
Uh, Mrs. Richardson?
You can go now, Francine.
Uh, about that little incident at Loehmann's
that was a big misunderstanding,
and I just wanted to apologize for what my twin sister did.
All I wanted was a green sweater
to go with that damn skirt I bought at a yard sale!
Well, now, let's just put all that behind us.
Hi. I'm Brighton Sheffield's nanny
and I'm here to ask for an extension on his science project.
What's that in your hand?
It's a fifty, but it's in your hand now, honey.
So you really want this for Brighton, huh?
Oh, desperately.
How does it feel to want something so bad you can taste it,
feel it in your hand and have someone yank it away?
It doesn't feel good.
Is that gum you're chewing in my class?
No.
Put that on your nose.
Now, we'll just sit here for a while, while you think about your actions, miss.
How did she know I was a miss?
Oh, B, I got your teacher to give you an extension.
Now, all you have to do is come up with a new science project.
Great. 'Cause I already got one. Check this out.
Ew! B, that's disgusting.
Genug fruit already.
No. That's your mother's back.
Ma, don't you think you should give up on the lobster already?
Maybe they are a little suspicious.
I'll start on the ten pounds of shrimp uncle Stanley caught.
Well, do they look normal?
What they? It's one shrimp.
-Psst! Ms. Fine. -What?
Where's Brighton?
He's upstairs working on his science project.
-Why? -Oh, God, this is terrible.
I forgot to feed Roger Clinton's cat today
and now the eggs are missing out of the nest.
I'm afraid the cat must have eaten them.
Why didn't I think of that?
You did. You warned me.
You know, you're right.
I did warn you.
But you didn't listen, did you?
I've ruined everything. How could I be such a screw up?
Well, there's only one thing for you to do, mister.
Get your boots and your sleeping bag.
What, you're sending me to military school?
No. I just thought we could have some fun.
-Ms. Fine-- -Oh, calm down.
I'm sure I can get an extension from the teacher.
Now, we just have to come up with a new idea for the kid.
There'll be a considerable bonus in it for you.
And good luck with the teacher. I hear she's pretty tough.
Oh, well, don't you worry about her.
I'll take care of everything.
-You already got Brighton an extension. -Oh, yeah.
How'd you do that?
Oh, Niles, I just reasoned with the woman.
You can't argue with logic.
[KNOCKS] Did you need me, sir?
MAXWELL'S VOICE:Run out to Kennedy Airport, would you
and pick up Pavarotti.
Oh, you'd better leave now.
There's two lanes closed on the LIE.
-It'll take you hours. -Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]