-Good morning. -Miss Fine, these were delivered for you.
Oh, great.
Ahh. Ms. Fine, filling in for your cousin
Mel the doorman again?
I wish. Is that a cushy job or what?
All he does is open doors and receive packages.
A baboon could do that.
Well, of course, a highly trained baboon.
Mr. Sheffield, what do you think?
I'm gonna make some mingle at the Yacht Club today.
-Yacht Club? -Uh huh.
That's setting your sights high, isn't it?
You know, I am not the same chick I was
when I started here three years ago.
I mean, I can't look for love in all the old joints,
now that I've acquired so much class and panache.
There's that Band-Aid that came off in the bathtub.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
Sweetheart, thank God you're home.
I have to warn you, you're in terrible danger.
Did Niles make a noodle kugel?
Ma, would you concentrate. Pretend you're full.
Did Aunt Freida call?
Yeah, she said her apartment was being painted.
So I said she could stay here.
Oy! I am too late.
-She's been thrown out of her apartment, she is broke. -[FRAN GASPS]
They even took her nightclub to pay for her taxes.
No more Freida's Le Freak?
That place was like an institution.
Has the city no soul?
They're putting in a Loehmann's.
Oh, you know, you really can't fight progress.
She's hitting up everyone in the family
for a place to stay.
How could this happen?
The woman's buried five husbands.
You'd think that she can live off what she found in their old pants' pockets.
What happened to Fred, her millionaire boyfriend?
Well, she's afraid, if he knows that she's broke
he'll think that she's after him for his money.
Well, isn't she?
If she has a brain in that fat head of hers she is.
Poor Aunt Freida.
She came this close to making it as a singer...
and her damn boyfriend Steve had to go meet Edie.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, good luck getting rid of Freida now.
She's like a Cesarean scar. You'll have her for life.
-Fri. -Syl.
So how are Morty's mumps?
-They still contagious? -Very.
Fred, get out of the car.
He's so sweet but he's such a shmegegge.
Fred, honey, pull the knob up.
How could such ashmegegge become so rich?
This from a woman who voted for Ross Perot?
Fred.
Fred, I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Sylvia,
and her daughter, Fran.
I'm Sylvia.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and steam a couple of things.
Fred, would you like to come in?
Oh, no, no. I'm fine out here.
No, I've got a light, a chair. I don't want to be a bother.
[DOOR CLOSES]
What do you know, he's half Jewish.
♪♪ Will someone tell me when it is my turn ♪♪
♪♪ Don't I get a dream for myself ♪♪
♪♪ Starting now it's gonna be Mr. Sandman ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, bring me a dream, boom-boom-boom-boom ♪♪
♪♪ I had a dream ♪♪
♪♪ A dream about you and you and you ♪♪
And you, who needed a little bite to eat,
your 17-pound turkey is ready.
Excuse me. I'm taking a short break.
Enjoy the buffet.
Well, now that that's taken care of,
I can go to my Yacht Club.
Speaking of turkeys...
how many arrangements does that human karaoke know?
Well, that depends. Has she already done her tribute to Chaka Khan?
C.C., would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?
I'd like a word with the skipper.
Now, exactly how long is your aunt's engagement here going to last?
Because we do have another act coming in
from the Nanny Agency.
Well, if you'll just retract those veins,
I'll tell you a perfectly good explanation.
There is no explanation
why that woman is still in my house.
A very wealthy and repressed man is in love with her,
but he's not ready to commit.
Well, that's understandable.
Uh huh.
You know... it's only fair
that she give him plenty of time.
And how much time are we talking?
I don't know. Can't rush these things.
Yeah, well, I hope he knows that he doesn't have forever,
because she's not gonna wait around like some schlub
since she can't even spit in this town
without hitting some eligible classy guy.
Well, good bloody luck to her catching one,
because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub",
and rarely marry those who spit.
Did your big fat ears get all that, Niles?
It's just me, Daddy.
-Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. Do me a favor? -Mm-hmm?
Tell the man with the big fat ears next to you, I'd like a drink.
-He said he wants a-- -NILES: I heard him.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
All right. All right. I'm leaving.
What was that about?
That woman tried to get in with a Xeroxed membership card.
-It looked so phony. -Oh, my God.
Well I'm surprised she didn't dip it in tea first
to give it that aged look.
Then you paste on one of those magnetic strips
from the back of an old Blockbuster's card
before giving it that authentic look of laminating it.
You wouldn't believe what people will do to marry up.
Oh, boy, you know, that is so superficial.
Give me a working man any day.
-What do you do? -I'm a chauffeur.
That seat's taken.
Oh! Fred. Oh, Fred. Hi.
It's okay, Fred. You can talk to me.
Oh, I don't want to bother you,
you look like you're in the middle of something.
Yeah, my childbearing years.
Fred, come on over here, honey.
I didn't know you were a member.
-Oh, yes, yes, for years now. -Oh.
This is my favorite time of day.
I love to come over and watch the bartenders cut the fruit.
I don't know. When you're rich, they call it eccentric.
You know, Fred, I'm really glad I ran into you.
It's so obvious that, you know, you're a shy guy,
but you really feel strongly about Freida.
Why don't you pop the question?
Oh! Freida would never marry me. She's so vibrant, sexy.
I want whatever he's drinking.
-I really don't know what she sees in me. -Uh.
It's your eyes.
Besides, I could never give her
the kind of life that she's used to.
Parties, nightclubbing...
I'm not a very exciting man.
-I can't even-- -Oh, Fred, don't be embarrassed.
You know, you can do other things.
And, really, most women just like to cuddle.
I was going to say dance.
Ah.
Well, that's good because that cuddle thing is a big myth.
Oh, Fred, I can teach you how to dance.
A couple of private lessons, you'll sweep her off her feet.
You must really love your aunt. She'd be moved.
Well, moving my aunt is a big priority in my family.
I should never have let you teach me to mambo.
Oh, no, Fred, it's okay.
You know, in China,
women without toes are considered sexy.
Well, let's face it, Fran,
I'll never be known for my dancing.
Nonsense, Fred. You're very light on your feet.
I'm sure there was a pair of ski boots under here somewhere.
Look, let's forget the whole thing.
Oh, no, no. Fred,
if you don't leave here with Freida,
I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Did I say I?
Let me demonstrate. Watch me.
One, two, three. One, two, three.
Turn, turn, turn. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
Now, you try it.
[MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING]
I'll never be as good as you.
Don't compare yourself to me.
I was onDance Fever.
I'll just show you a couple of steps
so you can fake it, okay?
One, two, three.
Hey, I kind of like that.
You're getting it.
Oh, whap!
Now, just keep doing the same thing
over and over again.
-Oh, whap! -Well, not that.
That could get annoying.
-Fran, wait. Ooh... -You're doing great.
There's something's wrong with my arm.
Worry more about your feet.
-Really. -Fred, not so close.
Don't tip me. Fred!
Fred. Fred.
Hello, Fred.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh, my God.
Fred, I hope for your sake, that's rigor mortis setting in.
NURSE [OVER RADIO]:Dr. Warner wanted in Radiology please.
Can you believe that she did this to me
under my own roof?
Oh, my Momma, I'm gonna faint. Hold me.
Hold you? I'm still paying for this hip.
You happy, hot pants?
Don't you yell at my daughter, Nettie.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you so desperate to get married?
[SHOUTS] Where is this insanity coming from?
Mr. Sheffield is here. Put some lipstick on.
Why won't anyone believe me?
I was just trying to get those two together.
Just because he was lying on me with romantic music
at 1:00 in the morning doesn't mean...
You know, this would all be a non-issue if I was running opposite Dole.
I've got an 8:00 a.m. appointment.
Niles, would you let C.C. know what happened.
Oh, I already phoned her sir.
Told her a certain millionaire
suffered a heart attack in Ms. Fine's bed.
C.C.: Maxwell!
-You're all right? -Oh dear. You thought I meant him?
He can have visitors now, but he's weak
so you should only go in one at a time.
-All right. -Absolutely. We will.
-Thank you. -Thanks for taking
-such good care of him. -One at a time.
-We appreciate it. -Go!
Fred.
Freddy.
It's your Freida-la.
Are you-- Are you all right? Can you hear?
His color's not so good.
Well hat hose you're standing on
might have something to do with it.
You have the nerve to speak to me?
I didn't do anything. I'm innocent.
Shh! Look, he's trying to say something.
Fran, you're so good.
Put my leg where?
Where the heck is that hose?
You... You husband stealer, you.
Now, who's gonna take care of me?
Where am I gonna live?
-Bed time. -I made plans!
Any idea of Ms. Fine
being seriously involved with Fred is absurd.
Oh, why do you say that, sir?
Come on, man, he's nice, but...
well, she couldn't be interested inhim
What's so great about you?
I mean, what's so great about you is your ability--
-Oh, shut up. -Right.
Of course it's only a matter of time before she does find someone
if she keeps putting herself out there.
Do you think she's doing all this just to spite me
for taking back the, you know, thing?
Well, it's very difficult to say, sir, considering the fact
I don't know what the bloody thing is.
Oh, well, I might as well tell you.
[PHONE RINGING]
We'll get back to them.
First of all, no one else must ever know
what I'm about to tell you.
All right. Let me see,
we were on our way back from Paris.
And, well, I thought we were about to die,
so I turned to Ms. Fine and I told her I loved her.
Then I panicked, took it back and, well, that's it.
So, now you know what the thing is.
NILES: [FRUSTRATED SCREAM]
Fran, I refuse to share a bathroom with your aunt anymore.
I brushed my teeth with some chick product.
Don't even want to speculate what that was.
Oh, what are you complaining about?
There's like a toenail fromJurassic Park
in my bathroom.
And look at this.
Your aunt ate the entire box of chocolates
that my boyfriend gave me.
Oh, don't worry, kids.
I'll take care of everything.
Nanny Fine, I didn't know
you were attracted to decrepit old men.
Am I gonna have to keep my eye on the two of you now?
In my day, two people got to know each other first.
In your day, there only were two people.
FRIEDA: Fran.
Franny, darling,
-Fred regained consciousness, he explained everything. -Oh.
-And then he proposed. -[FRAN CHUCKLES]
So can you ever forgive me?
-Did you accept? -Yeah.
All is forgiven.
Oh! There you are. All packed.
Look, how excited they are for me.
Not quite yet, my loves,
because, you know, there's still so much to do.
And I haven't even decided
where I'm gonna have the ceremony
now that I'm getting married.
-Hear, hear. -Here?
Oh, you are a doll.
So I'm gonna go upstairs and try on my old wedding gown.
Come on, kids, help zip me up.
I'll get the pliers.
All right. I--I know, something just happened.
You just offered to have Freida's wedding here.
What? Well, why didn't you bloody say something?
Oh, calm down.
Do you think that I would subject you
to the horror of a Fine family affair?
Not after what happened Grandma Yetta's birthday party,
which you know nothing about. So what am I bringing it up for?
Moving on. Moving on.
I can't believe I agreed
to let Freida have her wedding here.
-Oh, relax. I've got a plan. -Oh, thank God.
First, I'll go out and buy a dress for the wedding.
-Yes, right. -Better give me your credit card.
This way it looks like you're going along with it.
Oh, right. Right.
-Okay now, while I'm doing that, you, this'll be a snap for you.
-Go upstairs. Find Freida. -Yeah. Uh-huh.
And take it back.
This is beautiful.
Why is it families only get together
at weddings and funerals?
You know, you wore that dress to her last wedding.
I'm saving the new one for yourshiva,
Well, we don't need anything old or blue.
I just shoved Freida into her corset.
[LAUGHTER]
-Fran, can I talk to you? -Yes. Sure.
I can't go through with this.
Oh, Fred, now, I don't want to hear
that you're not good enough for Freida.
You're a wonderful guy. I'd marry you in a second.
Then marry me. I think I'm in love with you.
Fred, don't be ridiculous.
You're just getting cold feet.
I'll give you anything you ever wanted. Yes, I'm worth millions.
This'll do.
No, Fred.
You don't love me. You love Freida.
You guys make a perfect couple.
There is nothing more right in this whole world.
This is so wrong.
You say anything to disturb this ceremony and you're dead.
And do you, Freida Rubinski... Mannarino...
...Chong'dow... Bitterman...
Excuse us. Coming through. Excuse me just a minute.
-Thank you. -I can't let Freida
-go through with this. -Oh, yes, you can.
My house has turned into a pest motel.
Where the Fines check in but they don't check out.
You don't understand.
He doesn't want to marry her. He said he loves me.
He's confused.
The man just had a near-death experience.
He didn't know what he was saying.
Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
Now, you're taking it back for him?
Oh. You know, maybe ignorance is bliss.
Maybe I should just let them be happy.
I mean, Freida's been widowed five times.
Maybe six will be her lucky number, who knows.
I do.
Fred. Fred.
-He said, "I do." -[All TOGETHER] We heard him.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look,
Aunt Freida sent us a tape from their honeymoon.
I can't believe how well Fred recovered.
I know. Doesn't he look incredible?
Boy, that quadruple bypass really did the trick.
Make them laugh! Ha, ha!
Make them laugh! Ha, ha, ha!
Next week, I'm gonna teach him theMacarena.
[♪♪♪]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]