1 00:00:03,183 --> 00:00:06,133 Maggie, what is that you're wearing? 2 00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:09,333 I can't let you leave the house in that short little top. 3 00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:13,150 - Mr. Sheffield's not here. - It's gorgeous. 4 00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:16,333 Don't make a stain. I want to borrow. 5 00:00:18,830 --> 00:00:21,160 -Where is he? -Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's career day. 6 00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,830 I suppose they'll ask me to speak when they have 7 00:00:23,116 --> 00:00:24,416 "Don't let this happen to you," day. 8 00:00:24,450 --> 00:00:26,200 Aw. 9 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,383 Hello, everyone. 10 00:00:28,416 --> 00:00:31,466 - Oh, so how'd it go? - Oh, it was smashing. 11 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,200 I reenacted the history of musical theater, 12 00:00:34,233 --> 00:00:35,416 from its operatic beginnings 13 00:00:35,450 --> 00:00:38,366 right through bring in da noise, bring in da punk. 14 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,350 Oh, that must have brought down da house. 15 00:00:41,383 --> 00:00:45,150 So did your old man deliver or what, hey? 16 00:00:45,183 --> 00:00:47,100 Oh, look, I've got that CD you wanted. 17 00:00:47,133 --> 00:00:49,133 There you go, Pearl Bailey. 18 00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:51,830 Pearl Bailey, cool. 19 00:00:51,116 --> 00:00:54,300 Hey, now I can exchange it for Pearl Jam. 20 00:00:56,416 --> 00:00:58,150 I don't understand him, Miss Fine. 21 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,483 Brighton used to worship me. 22 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,200 When? 23 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,133 Oh, Mr. Sheffield, 24 00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:06,383 the boy's just going through a phase. 25 00:01:06,416 --> 00:01:08,283 I remember myself there was a time 26 00:01:08,316 --> 00:01:10,350 when I didn't even want to speak to my mother. 27 00:01:10,383 --> 00:01:12,133 [PHONE RINGING] 28 00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:14,200 Then eventually you outgrow it. 29 00:01:14,233 --> 00:01:16,200 Ms. Fine, it's your mother on the phone. 30 00:01:16,233 --> 00:01:17,483 Tell her I'm not here. 31 00:01:19,233 --> 00:01:21,100 Hello. Hello. 32 00:01:21,133 --> 00:01:24,830 C.C., how did Jay Leno like our opening number? 33 00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:26,660 Loved it. We are this close 34 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,333 to booking it on The Tonight Show. 35 00:01:27,366 --> 00:01:30,660 We had an instant rapport. 36 00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:33,366 He had his dog Harley with him and I had this little fellow. 37 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,366 The hat? 38 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,133 Oh, my God. Do you know what this means? 39 00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,433 If this isn't my dog, 40 00:01:41,466 --> 00:01:45,433 I could have left this valuable hat in the cab. 41 00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:48,216 [DOORBELL RINGS] 42 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,316 Was this supposed to be a tip? 43 00:01:55,350 --> 00:01:57,660 Why did you come back? 44 00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,383 Four martinis, and she'd be 45 00:01:58,416 --> 00:02:01,330 walking that hat all over New York. 46 00:02:03,216 --> 00:02:06,200 Now here's the deal: Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs 47 00:02:06,233 --> 00:02:07,383 and he refuses to board. 48 00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:10,250 I don't know why, Chester loves the kennel. 49 00:02:10,283 --> 00:02:11,416 When I come to take him home, 50 00:02:11,450 --> 00:02:14,266 he just hangs onto the little bars for dear life. 51 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,830 C.C., you're not telling me 52 00:02:17,116 --> 00:02:20,000 you've offered to take care of Jay Leno's dog? 53 00:02:20,330 --> 00:02:23,200 It's bad enough having your dog here, always begging to go out, 54 00:02:23,233 --> 00:02:25,830 jumping into my lap, 55 00:02:25,116 --> 00:02:27,233 rubbing up against me all the time. 56 00:02:27,266 --> 00:02:29,116 Shh! 57 00:02:30,166 --> 00:02:32,433 Does everybody need to know our business? 58 00:02:35,466 --> 00:02:37,450 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 59 00:02:37,483 --> 00:02:40,350 ♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪ 60 00:02:40,383 --> 00:02:42,830 ♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪ 61 00:02:42,116 --> 00:02:43,333 ♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪ 62 00:02:43,366 --> 00:02:45,366 ♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪ 63 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,350 ♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪ 64 00:02:48,383 --> 00:02:51,250 ♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪ 65 00:02:51,283 --> 00:02:53,483 ♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪ 66 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,133 ♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪ 67 00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:59,483 ♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪ 68 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,433 ♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪ 69 00:03:02,466 --> 00:03:05,100 ♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪ 70 00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:06,383 ♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪ 71 00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:08,116 ♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪ 72 00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:09,216 ♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪ 73 00:03:09,250 --> 00:03:10,433 ♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪ 74 00:03:10,466 --> 00:03:12,133 ♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪ 75 00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:16,200 ♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪ 76 00:03:16,233 --> 00:03:18,300 ♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪ 77 00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:20,100 ♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪ 78 00:03:22,830 --> 00:03:24,433 [MUSIC PLAYING] 79 00:03:24,466 --> 00:03:27,660 Oh, Ms. Fine, I do appreciate 80 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,133 you taking care of Jay Leno's dog, 81 00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,350 what with your busy schedule and all. 82 00:03:31,383 --> 00:03:34,433 You know, I don't appreciate you taking a potshot at me. 83 00:03:34,466 --> 00:03:36,266 I mean, I work very hard around here. 84 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:39,266 - I was being serious. - You're kidding? 85 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,266 - Daddy? - Not now, honey, we're busy. 86 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:48,000 - But, Daddy-- - Sweetheart, we're working. 87 00:03:48,330 --> 00:03:51,383 - They're working, Mr. Leno. - Oh, no. Oh, not Jay. 88 00:03:51,416 --> 00:03:53,330 Oh, so sorry. 89 00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:56,830 - Jay, please, do come in. - Hi, how are you? 90 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,000 I had no idea you were already here. 91 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:05,133 Oh, that's okay. 92 00:04:05,166 --> 00:04:06,150 Where's Niles? 93 00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,160 He taped letterman last night-- 94 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:10,366 No, yeah, thank you. Thank you very much. 95 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:15,150 Oh, Mr. Jay Leno, I'm Fran Fine. 96 00:04:15,183 --> 00:04:16,150 Nice to see you. 97 00:04:16,183 --> 00:04:18,830 Well, I can't tell you 98 00:04:18,116 --> 00:04:21,216 how many times I've gone to bed with you. 99 00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:23,433 You know, I used to get around a lot. 100 00:04:23,466 --> 00:04:25,466 And you don't remember a lot of people... 101 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,233 - No, not to bed like that. - Oh, I'm sorry. 102 00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:31,330 Although I must admit, 103 00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:34,333 I have fallen asleep before you were done. 104 00:04:34,366 --> 00:04:38,330 As long as you don't fake a laugh. That's really.... 105 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:39,250 The guys hate that. 106 00:04:39,283 --> 00:04:41,316 [FAKE LAUGHTER] 107 00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:42,433 - Jay. - Yeah? 108 00:04:42,466 --> 00:04:44,830 - Please, why don't you sit down? - Thank you. 109 00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:46,300 I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have you here. 110 00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:48,133 You I'm still not sure about. 111 00:04:48,166 --> 00:04:51,830 Hey, listen, thanks for taking care of my dog. 112 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:54,400 Oh, no problem. You know, my mom had one just like that. 113 00:04:54,433 --> 00:04:56,116 Lived in the wall. 114 00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:58,333 Mr. Leno, would you mind 115 00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,283 autographing your book for me? 116 00:05:00,316 --> 00:05:02,283 I can't tell you how classy it is 117 00:05:02,316 --> 00:05:05,300 that you don't go hawking it like other celebrities. 118 00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:07,100 Oh, yeah. I hate that. 119 00:05:08,333 --> 00:05:13,330 Meanwhile, have you read this one? It is a riot. 120 00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:15,400 Plus it just came out on audiocassette. 121 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,166 I can't believe they put this voice on audio. 122 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,250 You know, some people find it soothing. 123 00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:31,483 Look, it's just like Lady and the Tramp. 124 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,660 Only Tramp had the taste 125 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,500 not to lick himself in front of Lady. 126 00:05:36,830 --> 00:05:39,660 He reminds me of my dog, Al. 127 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:42,660 I couldn't stand to have him sleep on the bed 128 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:45,330 with his stupid pug face, 129 00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:47,316 always drooling, 130 00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:51,450 and the gas that emanated from that animal. 131 00:05:53,330 --> 00:05:55,466 Yetta, that was grandpa. 132 00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:03,133 - Oh, Ms. Fine, here's your mail. - Oh, thank you. 133 00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:07,233 Oh, my God, the IRS. What do they want from me? 134 00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:12,316 Oh, a tax audit. Oh, why are they picking on me? 135 00:06:12,350 --> 00:06:15,830 Could it be because you declared an adopted foreign child 136 00:06:15,116 --> 00:06:16,483 named Haagen-Dazs? 137 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,233 Listen, I have spent a lot of quality time 138 00:06:23,266 --> 00:06:25,830 with that little bundle of joy. 139 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,383 Mama loves you, baby. 140 00:06:30,660 --> 00:06:32,250 - So, what are you going to do? - I don't know. 141 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:35,233 I wonder if my accountant knows about this. 142 00:06:35,266 --> 00:06:37,330 Do you know about this? 143 00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:39,333 So, Brighton, 144 00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:42,166 you ready to teach me how to roller blade? 145 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,166 Oh, you know that girl you like? 146 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,200 I thought we maybe could cruise by her house. 147 00:06:47,233 --> 00:06:50,330 Oh, great, and on the way we can stop by the duck pond 148 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:51,366 so I can drown myself. 149 00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:54,350 Alright, actually, Dad, you know what, I'd love to, 150 00:06:54,383 --> 00:06:56,183 but I already have some plans with friends. 151 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,316 - Yeah. - Who? 152 00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:00,266 Ah... 153 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,466 Weren't you gonna get burgers at Arnold's 154 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,330 - with Ralph and Potsey? - Right, right. 155 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,133 Oh, well, maybe I could join you at Arnold's. 156 00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:17,433 - Well, maybe some other time. - Yeah. Sorry. 157 00:07:17,466 --> 00:07:21,200 - Who's Potsey? - Oh, shut up. 158 00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:26,116 Ingrate. I hated to do that to him. 159 00:07:26,150 --> 00:07:27,383 What's the big deal? 160 00:07:27,416 --> 00:07:30,000 He just wants to spend a little time with his son. 161 00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:33,216 Fran, we have nothing in common. We're not even from the same country. 162 00:07:34,233 --> 00:07:36,660 [HARRY NILSSON'S "BEST FRIEND" PLAYING] 163 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:39,466 ♪♪ People, let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪ 164 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,400 ♪♪ He's a warm-hearted person ♪♪ 165 00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:44,266 ♪♪ Who'll love me till the end... ♪♪ 166 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:48,416 Stay back, stay back. I'm done. I'm totally done. 167 00:07:48,450 --> 00:07:50,183 ♪♪ One boy cuddly toy ♪♪ 168 00:07:50,216 --> 00:07:52,283 ♪♪ My up, my down, my pride and joy ♪♪ 169 00:07:52,316 --> 00:07:54,183 ♪♪ People, let me tell you... ♪♪ 170 00:07:54,216 --> 00:07:57,133 [MAN SINGING OPERA] 171 00:08:10,483 --> 00:08:13,333 [HARRY NILSSON'S "BEST FRIEND" PLAYING] ♪♪ Best friend ♪♪ 172 00:08:13,366 --> 00:08:17,450 ♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪ 173 00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,166 ♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪ 174 00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:25,433 ♪♪ Rubbie de boopie, boop, boop, bang ♪♪ 175 00:08:25,466 --> 00:08:30,000 ♪♪ Rubbie de boopie, boop, bang, bang ♪♪ 176 00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:34,150 ♪♪ Rubbie de boopie, boop, bang, bang... ♪♪ 177 00:08:35,350 --> 00:08:37,266 [MUSIC PLAYING] 178 00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:41,330 [TOILET FLUSHES] 179 00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:48,000 What is this unnatural obsession Maxwell has with his children? 180 00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:51,433 I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand. 181 00:08:51,466 --> 00:08:53,300 Seven? 182 00:08:56,283 --> 00:09:00,466 - You know, that's funny. - Oh, thank you very much. 183 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,330 No. I mean the fact that I'm really rich 184 00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,660 and you're cleaning toilets in a suit, tie, 185 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,433 and rubber gloves. 186 00:09:08,266 --> 00:09:10,250 Well, you got me that time. 187 00:09:17,330 --> 00:09:18,416 [DOORBELL RINGS] 188 00:09:20,450 --> 00:09:22,266 - Yes? - Hi. 189 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,316 I'm here to audit Ms. Fran Fine. 190 00:09:24,350 --> 00:09:26,350 Ms. Fine, the IRS man is here. 191 00:09:26,383 --> 00:09:30,150 Is that today? 192 00:09:30,183 --> 00:09:33,366 - Hi, I'm Fran. - Hi. Josh Bassin. 193 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,500 - How you been? - Oh. 194 00:09:35,830 --> 00:09:37,366 You bought that dress for the audit, didn't you? 195 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:41,150 - Well... -I hope you don't try to write it off. 196 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:49,500 I'd like to introduce to you one of my dependents. 197 00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:50,200 All right. I admit it. 198 00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:52,133 I helped her with her taxes, but you know what? 199 00:09:52,166 --> 00:09:55,200 I had a solar calculator and we did them in the shade. 200 00:09:56,183 --> 00:09:57,333 Relax, kid. It would take 201 00:09:57,366 --> 00:09:59,300 a flagrant violation of the tax code. 202 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:02,160 For me to actually put someone in jail. 203 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,366 - What's your name? - Potsey? 204 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,483 I don't know why people get so nervous when I audit them. 205 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,266 I just did Pearl Jam last week. 206 00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,266 Oh, my God. You know Pearl Jam? 207 00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:16,366 Potsey, you're blocking the view. 208 00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:22,660 All right, so, you actually went to Eddie Vedder's house? 209 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,383 Well, by the time I'm finished with him, 210 00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,366 it'll be Uncle Sam's house but... 211 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,366 [FRAN LAUGHS] 212 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,200 Good looking and a sense of humor. 213 00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:33,400 I'll tell you if I wasn't married with six kids... 214 00:10:38,166 --> 00:10:39,266 If you'll just excuse me, 215 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:42,000 I have to go feed my chinchillas. 216 00:10:42,330 --> 00:10:43,166 What chinchillas? 217 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:47,660 The ones we breed at a considerable loss. 218 00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,830 Schedule C, Item 15. 219 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,250 Brighton, I'm just off to a final call-back 220 00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:55,116 to my play about Gertrude Stein. 221 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:58,150 It's between Maureen Stapleton and Sada Thompson. 222 00:10:58,183 --> 00:11:01,483 It's gonna be a hot one. Care to come along? 223 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,216 Well, first of all, Dad, who? 224 00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:08,000 This guy knows Pearl Jam. 225 00:11:10,366 --> 00:11:13,000 Ms. Fine, are you sure this thing with my son 226 00:11:13,330 --> 00:11:14,660 is just a phase? 227 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,300 I mean, he prefers to spend more time 228 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,166 with the tax man than with me. 229 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,200 Oh, well, first of all you're trying too hard. 230 00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,250 I mean, nothing makes a person look more desperate 231 00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:25,283 than trying so hard to win somebody over. 232 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,466 Hungry, Josh? 233 00:11:29,433 --> 00:11:32,483 Now, listen, next time you go through the living room, limp. 234 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,133 You're my husband and you got a disability. 235 00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:42,500 [♪♪♪] 236 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,183 What is this? 237 00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:09,830 An annoying yapping dog... 238 00:12:09,116 --> 00:12:10,433 holding a Chihuahua. 239 00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:16,250 Oh, there's the doggy. 240 00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:19,166 Nanny Fine, this mutt is your responsibility. 241 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,500 Well, I just put it down for a second, 242 00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,383 and it was only 'cause Grace was gonna scald herself in the tub. 243 00:12:23,416 --> 00:12:25,233 Oh, blah blah blah. 244 00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:27,233 It's not like those children you take care of, 245 00:12:27,266 --> 00:12:29,116 this is a valuable animal. 246 00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,330 Meanwhile, I was looking all over for you. 247 00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,160 Now, you're gonna go and play with Chester. 248 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,283 Boy, what amishpocheh 249 00:12:36,316 --> 00:12:38,466 Good thing she's got a rich father. 250 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,500 Oh, Ms. Fine, here's another letter from your friend at the IRS. 251 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:45,216 Oh, wow,this must be a thank you for that gorgeous, midnight blue 252 00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:48,233 double-breasted Armani blazer I gave him. 253 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:53,100 Oh, well, like you were ever gonna fit in that again. 254 00:12:54,383 --> 00:12:58,100 Well, he liked the blazer but he wants something else. 255 00:12:58,133 --> 00:13:00,316 - What? - An arm and a leg. 256 00:13:00,350 --> 00:13:04,283 This is a $5,000 tax bill. 257 00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,500 Fran, I think you better come see 258 00:13:06,830 --> 00:13:09,660 what Chester and Jay Leno's dog are doing in the dining room. 259 00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,483 Sweetie, just pick it up. How big can it be? 260 00:13:12,483 --> 00:13:15,233 No, remember what we saw two lions doing 261 00:13:15,266 --> 00:13:16,450 on the Discovery channel? 262 00:13:21,216 --> 00:13:23,483 I don't suppose they're eating a zebra. 263 00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:30,250 Chester, how'd you get your little shirt off? 264 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,400 You are going right upstairs, Mister and taking a cold shower. 265 00:13:37,433 --> 00:13:41,166 And you, miss, you only know him a week. 266 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,000 What's your secret? 267 00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:48,466 Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do? I don't have $5,000. 268 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,466 The government is gonna do to me what Chester just did to Harley. 269 00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:58,216 - Oh, Mr. Sheffield, it's terrible. - Oh, what happened? 270 00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:00,316 Mr. Mooney fired from the bank again? 271 00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:04,330 [LAUGHS] Good looking and funny. 272 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:07,133 - How much do you owe? - Five thousand dollars. 273 00:14:07,166 --> 00:14:10,400 Oh, calm down, Ms. Fine. We'll just file an appeal. 274 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,150 What kind of records have you kept? 275 00:14:13,183 --> 00:14:14,250 Oh, I don't know. 276 00:14:14,283 --> 00:14:16,100 A couple of Bee Gees, 277 00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:18,383 Captain and Tennille, The White Album. 278 00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:21,150 No. Tax records, Ms. Fine. 279 00:14:21,183 --> 00:14:23,100 [MUSIC PLAYING] 280 00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:24,466 SYLVIA:Don't take the box. 281 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,660 Don't take the box! 282 00:14:30,116 --> 00:14:31,166 Schmuck! 283 00:14:33,150 --> 00:14:36,166 Ma, when are you gonna stop torturing yourself by watching 284 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,466 that old tape of you and daddy onLet's Make a Deal? 285 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,160 You traded Paris for the ostrich. 286 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:43,316 It's never gonna change. 287 00:14:46,116 --> 00:14:50,000 Meanwhile, it's the best stew we ever had. 288 00:14:50,330 --> 00:14:51,300 TV:Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine, 289 00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,116 let me tell you something you've won the trip to Paris: 290 00:14:53,150 --> 00:14:55,330 it's the greatest thing that has happened on this show. 291 00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:56,433 You can keep the trip to Paris 292 00:14:56,466 --> 00:14:58,266 or you can trade 293 00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,333 for what's in that big box on the floor. 294 00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:03,350 - Box! - Box! 295 00:15:06,366 --> 00:15:08,316 We'll take the box. 296 00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:12,660 I can't watch this. 297 00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,233 I am sick to my stomach. 298 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:21,433 Now, it's a good thing that I have a very organized filing system. 299 00:15:23,366 --> 00:15:30,160 '95. '94. '93? 300 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:34,000 Oh, look at this, there's an old Rolo in here. 301 00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:38,660 Look, it's all white. It's still good. 302 00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:43,300 These receipts are a disaster. 303 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,166 I mean, how can this be possible? 304 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,183 You have 18 certified public accountants 305 00:15:48,216 --> 00:15:49,483 on your father's side alone. 306 00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:52,400 Well, we have 17 urologists, 307 00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:54,433 but daddy still has three of something 308 00:15:54,466 --> 00:15:56,400 that he's only supposed to have two of. 309 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:03,383 [MUSIC PLAYING] 310 00:16:05,416 --> 00:16:08,350 Now, listen, if we're found guilty is there any chance 311 00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:12,660 I could do community service at a home for wayward girls? 312 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:14,283 Don't talk to him. 313 00:16:14,316 --> 00:16:17,350 He comes into my home, drinks my champagne, 314 00:16:17,383 --> 00:16:21,233 that expressly says "send to Lauren Bacall" and... 315 00:16:21,266 --> 00:16:24,266 Oh, well, what are you looking at, mister? 316 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,183 You think that's supposed to scare me? 317 00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:29,330 I'm going to the big house. 318 00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:30,333 I was just doing my job. 319 00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:32,416 Shame on you for using your sex appeal 320 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,283 to get out of paying your back taxes. 321 00:16:34,316 --> 00:16:37,100 I most certainly did not. 322 00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:39,660 And shame on you for acting like it was working. 323 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,333 It was. 324 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:44,160 When you get out of prison, would you like to have dinner? 325 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:47,133 No. Where? 326 00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:49,350 Ms. Fine, don't waste your time with him. 327 00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,250 He has nothing to do with it. 328 00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:54,330 It's gonna be all up to the Appeals Officer. 329 00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:03,483 I would like to start off by saying that I have never seen 330 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,450 such a total disregard for the tax laws. 331 00:17:07,483 --> 00:17:11,166 Excuse me, sir, but is this gonna take long? 332 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,200 I have to get back to the theater. 333 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,350 - Who are you? - Maxwell Sheffield, I'm.... 334 00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:18,133 The Broadway producer. 335 00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:20,000 [MAXWELL LAUGHS] 336 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:26,250 ♪♪ A kiss on the hand may be quite continental ♪♪ 337 00:17:26,283 --> 00:17:32,433 ♪♪ But diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪♪ 338 00:17:32,466 --> 00:17:34,483 I always wanted to be in show business. 339 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,830 Would you like to see another one? 340 00:17:38,116 --> 00:17:41,233 Oh, did I mention that I'm the Appeals Officer? 341 00:17:41,266 --> 00:17:43,250 - Oh! - Oh! 342 00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:46,183 - Yeah. - Okay. 343 00:17:46,216 --> 00:17:47,200 If you insist. 344 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,400 [ALL LAUGH] 345 00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:50,500 George Burns. 346 00:17:50,830 --> 00:17:52,250 Oh. Great. 347 00:17:53,383 --> 00:17:59,200 You know, I got into heaven and I saw God. 348 00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:01,250 And He wasn't feeling well. 349 00:18:01,283 --> 00:18:05,660 He sneezed. I didn't know what to say. 350 00:18:05,483 --> 00:18:08,500 [ALL CHEER AND LAUGH] 351 00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:09,250 That's good. 352 00:18:09,283 --> 00:18:11,283 All right. Let's get down to business. 353 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,383 Now, I have reviewed the case 354 00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:17,160 and I agree with my colleague, Mr. Bassin, 355 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:21,160 that you look very fetching in that skirt. 356 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,366 Oh, thanks. You can go. You can go. 357 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,133 However, that does not have an impact 358 00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,366 on my decision about your taxes. 359 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,283 Where you running? Where are you running? 360 00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:36,450 Where do you think you're going? 361 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:39,266 Fran, this is inside of me. 362 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:45,000 Gee, I see here $86 363 00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:48,000 for apricot facial scrub. 364 00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,283 Yes. 365 00:18:50,316 --> 00:18:54,116 Well, you see, as a professional care-giver, 366 00:18:54,150 --> 00:18:58,400 Ms. Fine needs to glow and be dewy. 367 00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:03,300 Why don't you just slap the cuffs on me now? 368 00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:06,000 Relax. I've still got something up my sleeve. 369 00:19:06,330 --> 00:19:08,100 Unless it's five grand tied to your forearm, 370 00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:09,450 I ain't interested. 371 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:14,383 Max, you made me schlep all the way down here to pick up my dog. 372 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:17,200 Then your driver says, "The dog's already at my house." 373 00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:20,200 Look, I'm not one for star treatment. Do you know who I am? 374 00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:23,216 Jay Leno! Jay. 375 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:26,283 Hey, I watchThe Tonight Show all the time. 376 00:19:26,316 --> 00:19:29,433 - Great. - Oh, watch, watch, watch. 377 00:19:31,283 --> 00:19:37,100 Ah. It was so cold in Los Angeles this morning. 378 00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:41,116 - And how cold was it? - How cold was it? 379 00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:45,100 An exhibitionist came up to me on Wilshire Boulevard 380 00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:46,383 and described himself to me. 381 00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:50,216 MAXWELL AND FRAN: [FAKE LAUGHTER] 382 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,366 Don't quit the day job, all right? 383 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,383 Ever been audited? 384 00:19:54,416 --> 00:19:57,830 You know, I heard something in your voice. You are very good. 385 00:19:57,116 --> 00:20:00,266 You know, we haven't had an impressionist on the show in a long time. 386 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,660 -Really? -Yeah, why don't we have a cup of coffee? 387 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:05,350 - Let's talk about it a little more. - Oh, okay. Great. 388 00:20:05,383 --> 00:20:08,333 Um. Case dismissed. 389 00:20:11,383 --> 00:20:15,383 This is outrageous. You should have gone to jail. 390 00:20:15,416 --> 00:20:19,100 Using show business connections to make fools of the government. 391 00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,283 I hope you're proud of yourself, Sheffield. 392 00:20:20,316 --> 00:20:23,383 Yeah, thank you. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. 393 00:20:23,416 --> 00:20:27,350 Go, Dad. Bad boy of Broadway. Okay. 394 00:20:27,383 --> 00:20:29,400 So, you like your old man now, huh. 395 00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:33,183 Listen, what do you say we take in a movie? 396 00:20:33,216 --> 00:20:34,400 Oh, gee, Dad, I'd love to 397 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,400 but I'm going to the movies with Julie from my class. 398 00:20:36,433 --> 00:20:39,416 Oh, well, I can join you. 399 00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:44,330 - See you guys later. - Bye, sweetie. 400 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,383 Thank you, Miss Fine. Well, you know, 401 00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:49,133 I cleared the whole afternoon for this and it's still early. 402 00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:51,366 So I thought maybe you and I 403 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,466 could do something really sinful. 404 00:20:55,000 --> 00:21:00,830 Oh, Mr. Sheffield. You are clairvoyant. 405 00:21:00,116 --> 00:21:03,333 What do you say about a pizza with everything on it? 406 00:21:04,316 --> 00:21:05,450 That's uncanny. 407 00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,400 Ms. Fine, what do you know 408 00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:16,830 about Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant? 409 00:21:19,383 --> 00:21:23,116 That depends. Are you happy about it or angry? 410 00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:27,150 He canceled my cast's appearance on his show. 411 00:21:27,183 --> 00:21:28,433 Then I don't know anything about it. 412 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,350 Ms. Fine, that dog was in your care. 413 00:21:31,383 --> 00:21:33,116 How could you let this happen? 414 00:21:33,150 --> 00:21:35,250 Well, I tried to pull them apart as fast as I can, 415 00:21:35,283 --> 00:21:38,333 but I guess I came too late and Chester too early. 416 00:21:40,330 --> 00:21:41,266 Ms. Fine. 417 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,830 Well, this may come as a shock to you, Mister, but sometimes, 418 00:21:44,116 --> 00:21:46,433 there is just no controlling animalistic passion. 419 00:21:46,466 --> 00:21:50,100 Yes. Well, that's the difference between us and animals. 420 00:21:50,133 --> 00:21:51,416 - Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah. 421 00:21:51,450 --> 00:21:55,200 - Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah. Stop that! 422 00:21:55,233 --> 00:21:59,200 [MUSIC PLAYING] 423 00:22:05,166 --> 00:22:09,200 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]