[♪♪♪]
Where's the camera? Where's the camera?
What do you need to take a picture of?
Well, I'm off to make the keynote speech
at the Theatre Guild.
Miss Babcock, you can't go like that.
Nanny Fine, I will be speaking to Broadway impresarios.
But I will seek your fashion expertise
next time I'm dancing in a cage.
You don't need your coat. It's not cold.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, God. That's not fair.
That was gonna be my Christmas card.
Oh, now, cheer up, Niles.
You know, there are people out there with real problems
that don't even have a reason to live.
FRAN: Oh!
- Hi, sweetie. - Hi.
Fran, you're never gonna believe this.
- I am standing, talking to you... - Yeah. Yeah.
...in size-six pants.
Oh, my God.
Val, you haven't been a size six since you were 6.
I know. I know.
Oh, Miss Toriello, that's not a six. It's a nine.
Oh... Fudge Brownie or Rocky Road?
What do you mean "or"?
Fran, Fran, listen.
A bunch of my girlfriends are getting tattoos this Saturday...
- Yeah? - ...and now, I need you to help with Dad.
Oh, sure, honey.
I'll invite him for a nice romantic dinner,
candlelight, champagne, lobster, soft music.
And then you think he'll go for it?
Well, he better. 'Cause I'm running out of ideas.
- Oh, you mean about the tattoo? - Yeah.
Oh, no, honey, you ain't getting a tattoo.
- Oh, but, Fran. - Honey,
as long as I am living under your roof,
you'll do as a say.
Fran, what is the big deal?
You got a tattoo when we were in high school.
You have a tattoo!
My daughter has a tattoo.
SYLVIA: I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna stick my head in the oven and kill myself.
Are these crab cakes done?
- Val! - Sorry.
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
My daughter has a tattoo.
I'm gonna be sick.
Niles, quick, get me something bubbly.
Club soda?
You got any Hershey's syrup?
Of all the shmucky things that you did as a kid,
nothing compares to this.
Fran, you have broken my heart.
You've shattered my dreams.
I don't even want to live.
Hey, pokey, how long does an egg cream take?
When did you do this?
Remember when Val and I were going to Hadassah
to audition forJesus Christ Superstar?
Which, incidentally, should have been a clue.
["SHE'S A MANIAC" BY HALL AND OATES PLAYING] ♪♪ She's a maniac, maniac ♪♪
♪♪ On the floor ♪♪
♪♪ And she's dancing like she never danced before ♪♪
You know, Fran, these tattoos are permanent.
I mean, what if you and Danny break up?
Val, he said he loves me.
I'm not gonna be with someone that says he loves me
and then takes it back.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Either of you AB positive?
- No. - No.
Sorry!
Whoa, I gotta lay off the espresso.
So, you got ID?
- No. - No.
You gotta buy some, or I can't tattoo you.
Okay. Oh, good.
- Here. - Ten bucks.
- Here. - Okay. Oh, thanks.
Want a beer?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Let me see your ID.
Good.
Okay.
- All right. - Look, you got Charles and Di.
- Yeah. - Gee, I hope that comes off.
I have a very bad feeling about that marriage.
Val, you're so stupid.
Where's he going with those big ears?
Yeah, man, I hope you're right.
I'm still sore from turning Sonny into Gregg Allman.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How could you do this to your family?
Would you like some more, Sylvia?
What, did we just meet?
Where was I?
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How could you do this to your family?"
It really loses something in the Gentile translation.
You know, this time you haven't just defied your mother.
This time you defied God.
If you have a tattoo,
you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
And unless you have it removed, consider yourself disowned.
Ma.
You know, this has nothing to do with you and me.
[NILES CLEARS THROAT]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Come on, Niles. Obviously, you're dying to tell me something.
So, what is it?
It's a secret?
You promised not to say a word.
Two words.
It's a person. Who is it?
The Thompsons' butler?
Miss Fine!
What about Miss Fine?
What? Just tell me.
Just tell me, Niles, or you're--
- She has a tattoo. - Miss Fine has a tattoo?
She does?
Oh, such keen hearing.
And look, she brought a newspaper. Good girl.
Niles, don't you think it's time you came up with some fresh material?
Something I haven't heard.
How about, "Can you stay the night?"
Oh, Niles, when do you have time
to come up with these clever retorts?
It must be that half hour
between scraping pigeon poop off the stoop
and fighting shower fungus.
So, Miss Fine has a tattoo, eh?
Oh, I'm shocked. How out of character
for Nanny Fine to do something cheap and vulgar.
Shameful. I-I wonder where it is.
Well, obviously, on a part of her body hidden by clothing.
Oh, well, let's see. That narrows it down to, what, Niles, about 2 inches?
Well, I remember the tattoo being higher on your tush.
It was, Val.
Come on, Fran, please talk to Dad for me.
I mean, you remember when you were 17, right?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, it was a very good year.
Better not be that good for you.
- Mr. Sheffield. - Miss Fine.
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. Thanks.
Let me ask you something. How do you feel about tattoos?
Oh, well, Miss Fine, seeing as you asked,
as a matter of fact, I am a little intrigued.
by the idea of painted flesh
hidden on some part of a body...
reserved only for that special someone to...
Well, you know-- Well, I'm...
Tattoos are okay in my book.
Thanks, Daddy.
- What was that? - Ah...
Well, you just gave your daughter permission to get a tattoo.
What? I'd never let Margaret get a tattoo.
Well, you just said you loved tattoos.
Miss Fine, I was talking about on you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Fran, how can you stand there like that,
with the door wide open?
Mr. Sheffield could walk by and see you.
Not if you don't move, Val.
I just found out that he is really turned on
by a certain little tattoo.
Oh, that guy fromFantasy Island?
Excuse me, Miss Fine.
Have you talked to Margaret about that tattoo business?
Yeah, I talked to her. It's all under control.
FRAN: Don't worry about it. It's taken care of.
MAXWELL [THINKING]: Where the hell is it?
My God, bloody Waldo's easier to spot.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
No, no, no. Absolutely nothing.
No, I'll just be getting off-- Along.
Wow! The guy is obviously so turned on by you.
What's taking him so long to make a move?
Hey now, he's afraid that the kids will suffer
if it doesn't work out.
He is just so afraid of change.
Why do you think I stay 29?
It's for him.
Fran, if you think this tattoo is your secret weapon,
how come you made a doctor's appointment
to take it off your butt?
Oh, that's just a consultation, Val.
The only thing I'm getting off my butt is Ma.
This baby is staying.
Now, what is it about a tattoo that guys find such a turn-on?
It's very erotic, Val.
I mean, you know, it's the lure of the forbidden.
You know, it's like when we date a guy
and suddenly we find out he drives a Sara Lee truck.
- Oh, yeah. - Same thing.
Yeah, I got it.
Dr. Roberts, could you make me look like--?
Nope.
But they do have a new procedure
that freezes the muscles in your face
so you'll never get lines.
So I'd never be able to smile again?
That's right.
- You married? - No.
- You rich? - No.
What have you got to smile about?
Don't worry. He's a very good surgeon.
Although, I didn't care for way he lifted Aunt Lottie's boobs.
Well, on the bright side,
now she doesn't have to wear shoulder pads anymore.
- Um, Doctor? - Yeah?
You know, we're here to find out what you can do about this.
This is much more serious than I imagined.
Oh?
This thing is cracked.
[LAUGHS]
So, what exactly is the problem?
Can you remove that tattoo?
I can take it off next Tuesday.
Well, wait a minute.
Is it gonna scar? Is it gonna hurt?
Yes. And, ouch.
Fran, if you keep that tattoo,
you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
It's either a bruisedtuchis,
or spending all of eternity without your family.
Can you make it bigger?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Val, I just love this new bathing suit I got.
You think Mr. Sheffield will be able
to see my tattoo in this?
Fran, he'll be able to see your liver in that.
I just gotta figure out an excuse to wear it.
Oh, wait. There's a four-day weekend coming up.
Oh, oh, kids! Kids!
- Come down here. - Wait a second.
Won't Mr. Sheffield be a little suspicious,
you suddenly planning a trip?
No. He worries when I'm not working him
for a free vacation.
- Kids. - Fran, what's up?
- What's going on? - Where's your sister? Gracie!
Fran, she's down the street.
- She's not gonna hear you. - Oh.
What is it, Fran?
Hi, honey.
There's a four-day weekend coming up.
- Where should we go? - The Hamptons.
- Skiing. - Horseback riding.
Bermuda it is.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, Miss Fine, this is the perfect place
- for a family vacation. - Mm-hmm.
Here's tattoo-- I mean, to you.
MAXWELL [THINKING]: My God, I hope she didn't hear that.
FRAN [THINKING]: And is this gonna be a piece of cake.
You know, Mr. Sheffield,
Brighton and Maggie are gonna be at the disco
for at least another hour.
So that'll give us a chance to talk...
you know, about the kids, the house.
FRAN [THINKING]: Did I remember to wax?
We're on vacation, Miss Fine.
A little time alone together will give me a chance
to see a side of you I haven't seen.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think you've seen just about all my sides.
Only your good side, Miss Fine.
I've yet to see your backside--
Bad side.
So you've done wonders with the children.
I'm amazed at how Brighton
is really applying himself this year.
I have to say, I was a little concerned
about his math grades.
Yeah, well, you know, it was very wise
- to hire a tutor. - Oh, yeah.
FRAN [THINKING]: Yada, yada, yada. We're drifting.
Gotta get this puppy back on track.
Oh, boy, I'll tell you, it is so humid here.
How about a swim?
FRAN [THINKING]: And we're there.
Great idea. You know what?
I'll go change into my bathing suit,
I'll tuck Gracie in, and I'll be right back.
FRAN [THINKING]: Watch me work this walk.
Oy! That's a turn-on.
Well, good night, sweetie. Sweet dreams. Love you.
- Fran. - What?
You know I can't sleep when we're on a trip.
Will you sleep with me?
FRAN [THINKING]: Right words, wrong Sheffield.
Okay, honey.
Why don't you just rest. Maybe you'll get sleepy.
- Sleepy yet? - Nope.
Will you be for 10 bucks?
How about a story?
Oh, honey, it's getting really late.
- I'm not gonna sleep unless-- - Okay. Here's the story.
About a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer.
- Fran. Fran. - Barely kept his family fed.
You gotta get a life.
I'm trying.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Why don't you just close your eyes?
Okay. Shh.
- Fran. - Yeah?
Will you promise me you'll stay with us forever?
Honey, I'm counting on it.
Sometimes I worry that everything's gonna change.
Um, well, you know, sometimes a little change is a good thing.
- No, it's not. - Why?
'Cause if you don't like it, you can never go back the way things were.
- But what if you do like it? - What if you don't?
Well, what's it to you?
MAXWELL [THINKING]: Oh, God, what am I doing?
This is a test, isn't it?
Yeah. You want to see if I can control myself.
Well, I'm going to prove something to you
once and for all.
I can't.
Oh, Miss Fine.
Why aren't you in your thong--? I mean, thuit--
Bathing suit?
You know, I really didn't feel like changing.
Um... I don't think it's the right time
for us to take a swim.
Right. Right. I-- Yes, I understand.
How about now?
Actually, I was thinking of maybe playing
a nice friendly game of Ping-Pong.
Ah. Yes, Ping-Pong. Right.
- Safe. - Fun.
- Ready? - Mm hmm.
Oh, you.
You.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Wow.
Whew!
- Chinese or Italian? - Both.
Thank you.
Fran, I know you're still in pain
from getting your tattoo removed.
But I'm still getting one when I turn 18.
Well, not if you wanna be buried next to your husband
in a Jewish cemetery.
Well, I'm not Jewish.
Honey, don't be so selfish.
You know I live vicariously through you.
- Oh, you want your doughnut? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, isn't it ironic?
Every doughnut I touch ends up on my hips.
Oh, Ma. How sweet.
You brought me a chocolate chip Danish
to ease my pain?
Ah... yeah.
Sweetheart, I'm so glad you took my advice.
Now you can be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Otherwise, we would have had to dig a hole in the backyard.
Next to Booboo the cat.
Ma, Booboo didn't die. He ran away.
Ah... yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]