♪♪ You're the light of love ♪♪
♪♪ You're the light ♪♪
♪♪ Of love ♪♪
Yes! Bravo! Bravo!
Oh, this benefit will make a fortune for Broadway Cares.
With Roslyn Kind singing
and her sister Barbra Streisand hosting the event--
Which is not why we hired you.
Well, I haven't exactly gotten around to calling Barbra yet.
BOTH: Why?
Well, she hasn't given me her new number.
But I do a great impersonation of Barbra.
Although, personally, I think for years she's been doing me.
[PLAYING PIANO]
♪♪ To find the way of your heart ♪♪
♪♪ Sometimes you must say goodbye ♪♪
♪♪ And trust that time will take you where ♪♪
♪♪ Your greatest visions lie ♪♪
Barbra? Barbra? Barbra?
♪♪ Shine your light ♪♪
♪♪ A smile deep down inside of you ♪♪
♪♪ It is waiting there ♪♪
♪♪ Just to guide you through ♪♪
♪♪ You're the light of love ♪♪
- ♪♪You're the light ♪♪ - [DOORBELL RINGS]
[CONTINUES RINGING]
♪♪ Of love ♪♪
Barbra, Barbra, Barbra!
Barbra's sister.
Close enough. Same DNA.
Nanny Fine, you are drooling on Roslyn's shoes.
It doesn't matter. They're my sister's.
Take them off! Take them off!
Nanny Fine!
This nut isn't working with us, is she?
Oh, good heavens, no, no, no.
She takes care of my children.
Hi.
Why don't we all go into Maxwell's office?
- Good idea. - Yeah. That's better.
More intimate. It's got the little couch and everything.
Tell me where Barbra lives and no one gets hurt.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
- Hey, Fran. - Shh!
My mother can't hear Barbra Streisand's sister.
Well, if you'd stop chewing.
I need to talk to you about a personal problem.
Honey, you're at that age, you should be talking to your butler.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Your father's telling hisPirates of Penzance What's up?
Well, I like this girl, Julie, but she just wants to be friends.
How am I gonna get her to make a deeper commitment?
You're asking me?
Oh, Fran, I've had it.
Dad is obviously not getting me a car for my birthday.
So I figured out a way to win one.
Miss Trans Am contest?
Oh, honey, I am not letting you enter some contest
where you parade around in some skimpy outfit
so a bunch of men could stare at you like you're a piece of meat.
No, ma'am.
Not me. You.
Oh, how sweet!
Listen, all you have to do is win the talent portion
drive a five-speed Trans Am through an obstacle course
and be between the ages of 18 and 25.
Oh, well, that lets me out.
I can't drive a stick shift.
Oh, you can't?
Mm-mm. Nobody in my family can.
I think it's in the Torah or something.
Well, maybe my dad could teach you on his Porsche.
Oh, no. What am I saying?
He would never help you win a car for me.
Uh, you know, Maggie,
I've seen your father drive his Porsche.
Believe me, he's nobody to teach anybody how to drive a stick.
I beg your pardon?
We're in.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, this entire thing is ridiculous.
Maggie is far too young to have a car.
Mr. Sheffield, you know, I understand you're a foreigner
and that's why I cut you slack when you wear dark socks and sandals.
But in this country, when a girl turns 17, she gets herself a car.
Unless you come from my neighborhood.
Then it's a car or a nose job.
I got the car.
Ms. Fine, why don't you just get her one of those Remington Steele
Lady Schick things you get everyone else?
Are you kidding? She's like a daughter to me.
Besides, you always get her expensive stuff. Now, I can.
Oh, Ms. Fine, what you give my children, you can't put a price on.
And yet you find six bucks an hour sufficient.
Oh, Ms. Fine, go into third.
You've gotta feel it when it's time to shift.
Do I have to squeeze your leg every time?
I guess I'm a slow learner.
There you go. That's the way.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Wait, wait, wait, where you going?
- Why are you turning off? - Oh, Loehmann's.
Warehouse. Mothership.
No, no. Just-- just-- just drive.
All right. All right.
No more distractions.
Shifting.
Beautiful, babe.
[CAR PHONE RINGING]
Yello.
Oh, here, would you just--
Just put both hands on the wheel.
Hello. Oh, C.C., hold on. I'm gonna put you on speaker.
Maxwell, great news. Barbra Streisand called.
Oh, I'm putting you off speaker.
You touch that button and I'll kill us both.
Barbra's agreed to host the benefit,
but only if we do it at her house in the Hamptons.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm going to Barbra's house.
- No, you're not. - This is the most exciting day of my life.
- No, it's not. - Oh, Mr. Sheffield, how can I ever thank you?
By looking that way. Look out!
- [SHRIEKS] Oh! - [TIRES SCREECHING]
Stop! Stop!
Oh, my God.
Oh, I think I hit something.
No, I-- uh, it's all right, Ms. Fine, it was, uh--
it was just a piece of rubbish.
With bunny ears and a little cotton tail?
No. No. No.
I saw it quite clearly. It really-- It was-- It was nothing.
C.C.:No, no, no. I know that sound.
Nanny Fine killed a wittle wascawy wabbit.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, I can't believe I killed an innocent rabbit.
Oh, Nanny Fine, you must feel horrible.
Oh, I do.
Oh, you know what you need?
Some comfort food.
[C.C. LAUGHS]
Now, Ms. Fine, it's not your fault.
Sometimes horrible accidents happen.
Exhibit A.
You really shouldn't feel so bad.
It's not as if rabbits are an endangered species.
They spend their entire lives mating and reproducing.
Oh, great. So not only did I kill an animal,
but I killed one with a better social life than mine.
Ms. Fine, you have to move on with your life.
Now, let me ask you. What would Barbra do if she killed an animal?
First, she'd fire her chauffeur.
And then she'd write a beautiful ballad about it.
Marvin Hamlisch would arrange.
And then she'd do the duet with Julio Iglesias.
You know, to pick up the foreign market.
[SIGHS]
- I feel better. - Mm. Thattagirl.
I am going to win this Miss Trans Am contest
and make my platform animal rights.
I am going to speak out
for all the little creatures that no one cares about.
Exhibit B.
ANNOUNCER:Welcome to the auto show at the Nassau Coliseum.
You know, B, you didn't have to come with us.
Hey, I love cars.
Fran, shouldn't you be getting ready for the contest?
We don't have time to meet Miss America.
Honey, I was Miss Subways. It's a professional courtesy.
Oh, if word got out that I was here and I snubbed her?
Forget about it. It could start a whole inter-pageantary incident.
- Tara. - Hi!
Fran Fine, Miss Subways, 1980--
Uh... '90.
Oh, it's always nice to meet another pageant winner.
- Oh. - What was your platform?
Uh, 59th and Lex.
We two have so much in common. I mean, we're both title holders
and, well, you can't get married for the duration of your reign
and I can't get married for the love of God.
I assume you're here for Miss Trans Am contest.
Oh, is it that obvious?
Absolutely. Good luck to you.
Oh, no. Fran's the one in the contest.
Oh. Good luck to you.
Meanwhile, I voted for Miss Kentucky.
Moving into our final round, the driving competition
and our current leader, Fran Fine.
[APPLAUSE]
This is so sexist.
I mean, what do women in swimsuits have to do with selling cars?
Sir, I think we've produced one too many revivals ofMame.
Ms. Fine, start your engine!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SHRIEKING] Oh! Oh!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, Fran, don't feel bad about not winning me the car.
I just love my new Wet/Dry Lady Schick.
No. No. Really. Look.
It's great.
Oh, honey, you're so sweet.
But aren't your friends disappointed that you didn't get a car?
Uh... I don't have any friends anymore.
Come on, Ms. Fine, let's go for a drive.
You know what they say, when you fall off a horse,
you gotta get right back on.
Oh, I'm Jewish. The closest I ever get
to a horse is Polo at Ralph Lauren.
You'll drive us to the Paramus Mall.
We'll tear buttons off things and get an extra ten percent discount.
No, I can't.
You have to drive again, Ms. Fine.
No. I mean, I've been barred from the Paramus Mall.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, it's okay.
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I've decided to get therapy.
How are we feeling today?
I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel our appointment.
I have a date coming over.
That's how you therapists keep us coming back.
You make us more bitter.
Come on, Maxwell, we have a lot of work to do for the benefit.
Don't mind me, Nanny Fine. I'm just passing through.
[WHISTLES "THE BUNNY HOP"]
Hop, hop, hop.
Oh, come on, Ms. Fine,
I can't stand seeing you like this.
Can't you just forget what happened and get on with your life?
Well, if you're gonna cuddle and touch me every time I'm depressed,
I gotta tell you, this is pretty much my mood for a while.
Oh, come on, there must be something I can do to cheer you up.
Isn't there some favorite place you'd like to go?
No. Nothing's giving me a buzz.
How about Barbra Streisand's house?
Oh, would you do that?
Of course, Ms. Fine. Anything for you.
Oh, this is like a dream come true, I'm so excited!
Pack your bags and get out.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Streisand.
Oh, no, that's way too formal.
Nice knowing you, Babs.
No. That's way too familiar.
Oh, I've got such a shtuk in my gadehrum.
Oh, you know, that's perfect.
This is gonna be a disaster.
First, we have to shake three bus loads of Fines trailing us.
Come on, C.C., leave Ms. Fine alone.
This is a very important night for her.
Ms. Fine, your hair is looking particularly big tonight.
Well, yours would, too, if you had a camcorder hidden in it.
Kidding! Would you relax?
I am not going to embarrass you.
I'm on a pilgrimage to meet my spiritual leader.
- What? - Oh, my stomach is killing me.
It must be that pâté Niles made.
Well, we're going to Barbra's house.
She's a sister.
She'll have Tagamet, Mylanta, Pepcid AC.
Don't worry.
No. I'm serious, Ms. Fine. I'm sweaty.
I'm starting to shake.
I'm gonna have to pull over.
Yeah, we'll pull over. In her driveway.
Now, floor it.
C.C., you're gonna have to drive.
Oh, that's a good idea. C.C., you drive.
Don't even stop the car. Just switch. Switch.
Maxwell, you know I can't drive a stick.
It's no good. I've got to get out, get some air.
No. We'll drive with the windows open.
So it's a little dewy. I'll frizz for my queen.
Nanny Fine, Nanny Fine, Nanny Fine.
You drive a stick.
No. I can't. I can't.
I know. You put it in neutral, I'll push.
I shoved my mother up a hill in San Francisco once.
This is just a small foreign car.
Nanny Fine, Maxwell and I are producing this for Broadway Cares.
And I don't care if Broadway cares if I'm not there to get the credit!
I can't. I can't!
♪♪ Can it be that it was all so simple then ♪♪
Stop it!
♪♪ Or has time rewritten every line? ♪♪
[CRYING] I'm not gonna see my Barbra.
Oh, my God. Forgive me.
Nanny Fine, Roz swore me to secrecy
but James Brolin is gonna propose to Barbra tonight.
You'll know before Mary Hart.
[GASPS]
Get in! You'll puke in the Porsche!
[♪♪♪]
So, what was she like?
Did you actually get to talk to Miss Streisand?
Uh-huh. I told her,
"I love you, my queen."
And she said,
"Put those boots back in my closet."
Well, it was a banner night for both of us.
You got to meet your idol and overcome your fear of driving,
- Mm-hm. - while I got a safety pin
and worked that little string through Mr. Sheffield's sweat pants.
And I've got you to thank for getting over my fear of driving.
It never would've happened
if you hadn't fed Mr. Sheffield that rancid pâté.
I'm highly offended.
Why? Because I called your pâté rancid?
No. That you'd think I'd actually take the time to make it.
I buy it, peel off the label, and slap it on a plate.
I haven't even done that in months.
Well, then, why would he say he got sick?
Why would he fake it?
Oh, that sweet man.
Do you know what he did for me?
Threw up on Ms. Babcock?
No. That would have been for me.
No. He pretended to be sick to force me to drive.
Oh, he was showing his love for me
by acting like he was nauseous.
Did you know how he felt about me?
Did I know? For four years, I've been hinting to him,
I've been hinting to you,
I've been hinting to him to hint to you.
Why do you think I don't have enough time to make pâté?
[♪♪♪]
Mr. Sheffield, I know what you did.
Oh, well, Ms. Fine, James and Barbra insisted we go out for a drink.
I couldn't find you.
I'm not talking about that.
You what?!
Gotcha.
[LAUGHING]
Let's get back to what you were saying.
I know that you pretended to be sick to get me to drive.
I'll tell you, it is just so adorable
how you can't really express the way you feel.
Like all the times that you yell and scream at me
when in reality, you want to hug me.
Well...
And all those times that you fired me,
in reality...
...you want to kiss me.
All right.
When you told me you loved me and you took it back,
- when in reality-- - No. Actually, that I meant.
I hate you.
No, you don't. You really want to hug me.
Okay. I'm busted.
Tell me, Ms. Fine, just out of curiosity,
how did you know I was faking?
Oh, Niles spilled the beans.
Now, now, I'm just saying I'm surprised that Barbra called you out of the blue
and invited you back to her house.
What don't you get?
We share the same heritage.
We both have a distinctive voice.
I had an Andre Agassi poster in my room.
She had Andre Agassi.
It just seems very bizarre to me, that's all.
She's a very private person. I can't imagine what she wants with you.
Look, we just hit it off. In fact, she said she was gonna come right over,
but I said, "Don't bother. We'll come to you."
Oh, wait, let me get my purse.
Goodbye, gorgeous.
I suppose she's gonna want this purse back, too.
Listen, all you have to do is win a talent portion...
- Yeah. - ...drive a-- drive a-- Bleah!
Okay. Listen, you're in two movies of the week.
You're overworked already this week.
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
But in this country, when a girl turns 17, she gets herself a car.
Unless you come from my neighborhood, then it's a car or a nose job.
I got the nose job--
Oh!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Not.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]