[♪♪♪]
Ooh, ha! Wow!
Boy, I'd be all over you if I were ten years older.
Mm.
Down, boy, that ain't gonna happen
for another 20 years.
Well, get it while you can.
I may have met someone else and moved on by then.
Welcome to the windmills of my mind.
Come on, what's going on?
You don't usually haul out the Mr. French collection
unless something's up.
Well, Mr. Sheffield swore me to secrecy.
It's been long enough.
Frankly, I don't know what the secret is.
His grandmother Eloise is coming for a visit.
-Oh, what's the big deal? -He wants you out of the house.
-Oh! -Oh.
That would be the secret part.
Ah! Miss Fine, You know I've been thinking,
you've been looking a little tired recently.
Why don't you take the weekend off, hm?
Watch me turn this negative into a positive.
All right. How about Maui?
Ah, I was thinking
more along the lines of your parents'?
Oh, they burn.
How about Aspen?
Done.
Are you that desperate to get rid of me?
What, you're afraid I'm going to embarrass you
in front of your grandmother?
[GASPS] Who told you...
Niles!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Miss Fine, please understand, every few years,
she descends on members of the family
to make sure they're up to her standards
or they're out of her will.
And for that, you would hurt my feelings
and ask me to leave?
How much more money does a person need?
-She's worth 80 million. -Bye-bye.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I just wanted to tell you how sweet I think it is
that you've begged me to stay and meet your grandmother.
Oh, I-I believe my exact words were,
"Would you please stop the crying and screaming.
I give up! Stay!"
Now, you see, I prefer to see the glass
as being half full.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, Grandma Eloise.
Oh, I do wish, we had known sooner that you were coming,
-so we could have-- -Moved?
-May I? -Oh, Niles,
-so good to see you. -Thank you.
Remember how we used to have those little talks
when you were a little boy?
Your dreams of becoming a famous barrister,
a member of Parliament.
Life's cruel, isn't it?
Hello. I am Francesca Finé.
And may I say it is an honor,
nay, a privilege,
to be working for such a fancy-shmancy family.
-Oh, that's an intriguing outfit. -Thanks. I got it half off.
I was wondering where the rest of it was.
[MAXWELL LAUGHS]
Eighty million.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Well, grandmother, shall we?
Oh, Eloise, it's a pleasure to see you again.
-C.C., my dear. You always look so beautiful. -Oh, well.
I don't understand. Are you single by choice?
Yes, but not hers.
You know, Maxwell, I am so sorry
that I missed your play's opening night in London.
I tried to get a ticket for the next day,
but they wouldn't put the sets back up,
get the actors all together for just one person.
[FRAN LAUGHS]
Eighty mill. Eighty mill.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[PHONE RINGING]
Ah yeah...
Sheffield residence.
Oh, yes. Miss Fine, it's your mother. She sounds hysterical.
Oh, she probably just got out of the shower
and saw the mirror has twotuchases.
Oh, and here are the children.
Come, kiss your great grandma.
Fifty quid to the first one over.
I love you, nana.
[CRYING] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Danny... Danny... [INDISTINCT]
Danny Imperiali.
[BLABBERING]
The man I was in love with.
Danny was her ex-fiancé.
Not anymore. He's dead.
-Oh, why, why, why? -Eighty million.
Que sera, sera. You want some Earl Grey?
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hello.
Oh Val, I hope I didn't dress too festive for a wake,
but I had to wear this.
I mean, in private, Danny always used to call me his little tiger.
Aw.
What is this? The Serengeti?
Oh, look, there's Heather.
Who would have thought, when Danny dumped me for her,
four years later,
she was gonna be so alone and miserable.
FRAN: Oh, poor Heather, honey.
Oh, Fran, it's so unfair. I'm too young to be a widow.
-I know. -Who is that?
Focus, Heather. It's your husband's funeral.
Every time I look at the bathroom handle,
I can see Danny's underwear hanging there.
He actually hung his underwear up for her?
All those years of me training him
and she reaps the benefit.
-I can't believe Danny's gone. -I know.
Who dies from an allergic reaction to back wax?
You know, it's hereditary.
Yeah, he lost a couple of aunts that way too.
Oh.
Look at him, Val, lying there. The first love of my life.
Boy, I thought he was indestructible.
I know.
After he forgot your birthday
and you tried to run him over,
-he survived that. -Yeah.
Then when you caught him kissing Veronica Forte,
-and you tried to-- -Val, the point is that...
Oh, Val...
my sandwich and the olives, they fell in the coffin.
-Go get it. -I'm not touching him.
-Hurry up. -Oh!
Oh, I got a couple.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Val. Oh, Val, my watch is caught on his zipper.
Cover for me.
Her watch is caught on his zipper.
You know, you are Rain Man without the math skills.
Oh, look, Fran,
they're bringing out the jumbo shrimp.
Jumbo... Oh!
I knew that would work. You're such ahussa,
Oh.
-Hi there. Friend or family? -Former lover.
Sorry for your loss. I know how it feels.
Oh, don't tell me he called you his little tiger too?
[CRYING]
Oh, you know, if it had a pulse, he would...
I never even met him.
I just bit the inside of my cheek.
-Oh. -Harvey.
Oh, hi, Harvey. Fran.
I meant, I know what it's like to lose someone.
My significant other, Bernard, passed away six months ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Ever since, I just like to crash funerals.
I find it therapeutic to dwell.
Oh, you're Jewish.
We'd been together 16 years,
but no one ever knew what our real relationship was.
Now he's gone and his family,
they pretend like I never existed.
I mean, did they really think that the guy
in all those pictures with Bernard
was the dog walker?
Sure, he's wearing a collar in a couple of 'em,
but, you know, that's none of their business.
Well, excuse me for asking, Harvey,
but what kind of a doormat are you
to live with a guy all those years
that keeps the fact that he loves you a secret?
I mean, believe me, I know people that live like that,
and by the fourth year, well, I'm sick of it.
I wasn't a doormat.
He-He told me he loved me constantly.
-Oh. -He was doting and romantic,
and we even had a private ceremony in Honolulu
and he gave me this ring--
You know what, Harvey, don't be such a cry baby.
[♪♪♪]
Ma, I gotta talk to you.
Darling, I'm so glad you're here.
Here, help me eat this. I'm defrosting.
Ma, I met this man at Danny's funeral.
Fabulous. He's Jewish?
-Yeah, and a doctor. -Oh!
And he's gay.
So you seeing him again?
Ma, how desperate do you think I am?
Friday, we're gonna seeShow Boat.
Anyway, the thing is, his lover died
and his family will not acknowledge
the fact that they had a relationship.
A widower?
The point is, if something happened
to Mr. Sheffield,
I could have the same problem.
[TOASTER BELL RINGS]
It's still cold. You want?
Ma, I'm pouring my heart out...
All right, since you made.
Oh, you know, the thing is,
if God forbid something, [SPITS ON FINGER] happened to daddy...
at least the world would know you were his wife
and he loved you.
I only wish for you the joy
that me and your father have.
Aw.
Look at this. You can't fill a tray, you putz?
See, this is what I want.
[♪♪♪]
Missed a spot.
Here, I don't want to hog her.
We have to talk, mister!
Ah, surely you mean, "may we" and "sir"?
Oh, so you're already pretending that there's nothing between us?
And you're not even dead yet.
Uh, Miss Finé, perhaps you're still grieving
-over the sad loss of your-- -Of what? What? My youth?
Don't you know
that if you were, God forbid, in a coma,
technically, I'm not considered family.
I wouldn't be allowed to pull the plug.
I should at least have that much satisfaction.
Grandmother, I'm going to need a few minutes alone
with my nanny.
Missed a spot.
You told me that you loved me.
Well, I want a man that will shout it from the roof tops.
I told you I loved you but then I took it back.
You shouted the wrong part.
That's it. I quit.
I am not going to wake up some day
and have to fight your family
for that picture of you in a dog collar.
Ms. Fine!
You already did that spot.
[♪♪♪]
Attention all shoppers.
Will the lady who left the Armonti sunglasses
at the cosmetics counter...
please bring the case?
Fran, you are so lucky
that this job came up just when you quit.
Oh, I know.
You know, the lady that used to work here was very elderly,
and she was shrinking.
Every time she opened the cash register,
the drawer would hit her in the head.
-Oh, so they fired her? -No, no. They kept her on.
She works two weeks a year as an elf.
Oh, boss coming.
Oh, yes, miss,
this blush is absolutely perfect on you.
It's gonna drive your boyfriend wild.
You know, I don't have a boyfriend, Fran.
Well, look who's finally behind her counter.
Hello, Mr. Binder.
Do you see those security cameras?
-Uh-huh? -Peek-a-boo.
At 10:15, they caught you in ladies shoes.
At 10:30, purses.
Then there was a mad dash through hosiery.
Then jewelry.
Ending with a non-fat double latte
in the food court.
Well, with all that shopping, I needed a little caffeine buzz.
[♪♪♪]
I just can't believe Miss Fine actually quit.
She stood here in this very room,
and implied that working for me was a dead end.
Oh, pish tosh.
Look how I've risen in the company.
I suppose I should have seen it coming.
A man can't tell a woman he loves her
and then just take it back.
You what?
-Maxwell-- -Get out, old woman!
Did you just say that you told Miss Fine
-that you loved her and then you took it back? -Oh, yeah.
That's it, isn't it? That's the thing.
Oh, I could kick you in the seat of the pants.
I beg your pardon?
I said I need to press the pleat in your pants
but that's beside the point.
Now, you march yourself down to that department store,
and beg that woman to come back.
Don't you dare give orders to me.
I'm the one who makes decisions around here.
Daddy, you march right down there and you get Fran back.
-Oh, you really think I should? -[ALL] Yes.
But I-I need a pretext.
Well, why don't you take Grace and lose her? I do it all the time.
I'll go get my coat.
Dad, I don't know what you did to her,
but you better hope that she forgives you.
-I didn't do anything to her. -I bet you wish you did now.
Children, would you mind leaving us alone for a minute.
Ow! What was that for?
To get you back for kicking me.
Well, I didn't kick you.
I bet you wish you did now.
[♪♪♪]
[BLOWING ON RECEIVER]
FRAN [ON SPEAKER]: Is this thing on?
Um, listen.
Will Bernice in ladies shoes
please hold the size seven Manolo Blahnik lavender mules?
I think I can sneak away in about ten minutes, Bernice.
Nanny Fine, what are you doing here?
Ms. Babcock, didn't you hear? I quit.
-Oh, that's terrible. -I know.
Maxwell will be so lonely without you.
Oh, you know, it was a difficult decision to make,
but ultimately,
I had to do what was best for me.
Yeah, yeah. I have to get back to work.
Maxwell and I have a very long night ahead of us.
Excuse me. Can you tell me where ladies lingerie is please?
Ow!
Is this thing on?
Bernice told me to tell you
they're out of size seven lavender mules.
Oy.
Do they come in mauve?
Just put these samples in gift bags.
Certainly.
Merry Christmas, Maggie. Happy Hannukah, ma,
and congratulations on your new job, Fran.
Miss Fine.
Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?
Oh, I just thought I'd drop by
and see how the new job was going.
-Nothing more, nothing less. -No.
-No ulterior motive. -Mm.
Happy?
I'm thrilled. I love it here.
They treat me with a lot of respect.
It's a whole different experience.
MANAGER: Miss Fine!
Anyway, Mr. Sheffield, you know,
I hope that you understand why I had to leave.
I mean, it just became too painful for me.
Nobody really knows what we have with each other.
Except for ma, Val,
and I'm sure the kids have an inkling.
Oh, are you two getting back together?
I have to eat lunch with someone.
Miss Fine, you've got to know how I feel about you.
I-- I'm just not ready to shout it from the roof tops yet.
-Ugh! -But I... but I have put it in writing.
I've... I've declared my feelings for you in my will.
Oh, great. So I have to wait until you're dead
before everybody can know how you feel about me?
Uh, uh, but then I can never take it back.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, at least when you're dead,
I'll have something to look forward to.
-Happy? -Er. Happier.
But what about Grandma Eloise?
I mean, aren't you afraid that when she finds out
what you put in your will, she's gonna cut you out of hers?
I don't give a damn about her millions.
I just hope she lives long enough
to hear what I put in my will.
Yeah, you're pretty cocky.
Could it be because she's a 150?
Come on, Mr. Sheffield,
why don't you tell me what you wrote in your will.
Well, I don't actually have it here.
Oh, don't be shy.
Just close your eyes and pretend that you're dead...
and tell me what you said.
It'll just be between us.
I, Maxwell Sheffield, care deeply for Fran Fine,
and told her, "I love you."
C.C.: No!
Is there something going on
between my grandson and your granddaughter?
What, are you senile?
They got teenage kids,
and they only been married three years.
Married?
Nobody tells me anything.
Yetta, you're the only one that likes me for me,
not just to get into my will.
Well, why wouldn't I? You're a very lovely lady.
It's Yetta Rosenberg, R-O-S-E.
Oh, Fran, thanks for having me over.
-Oh, sure. -I can't believe Danny's dead.
-Aw. -What's gonna happen to me?
He's the only man I've ever been with.
[LAUGHING] Oh, Heather.
I think you're suffering from a little state of shock there, sweety.
How am I gonna go on? I mean, no one's ever gonna be able to replace...
Who is that?
He's gay. Bye.
She's gay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]