Will you stop with that face already?
Nobody's gonna be looking at you.
You're the bridesmaid, not the bride.
That's a sentence you can't hear often enough.
Excuse me, Sylvia, did you say you wanted waffles or pancakes?
"And." I said, "And."
Wow, Fran, great dress.
Hey, when are you gonna get the sheep to match?
That's it. I'm not going.
Don't listen to him. When did he become Elsa Klensch?
If you wanna know about fashion, take a cue from me.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
Gracie, stop laughing. Fran looks beautiful.
No, really, Fran, cool dress.
I guess we won't be clearing a space for her academy award.
Fran, when you get married, can I be your flower girl?
Sure honey, if you still feel the same way when you're 40.
Here you are, Sylvia, waffles and pancakes.
You didn't have light?
Sylvia, the barn door is open,
and the horses have left the building.
Ma.... ma....
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]
I wish I could dance like that.
-You mean swing? -I mean with a man.
You know, Fran, if you really want to dance,
I'll dance with you.
Oh, Val, I never pictured swinging with you.
Really? You never had that fantasy?
-No. -Me neither.
Oh, I still don't have a date for my cousin's wedding.
What are you doing on Saturday?
Oh, all of a sudden, I'm good enough for you?
I feel amazed that we haven't even been picked up yet.
I mean, look around.
Have you ever seen such a bunch of pathetic desperate women?
Oh, hi, Miss Babcock.
-Hi. -Hi.
Wow! What a surprise running into you here.
Well, you know, I'll try anything once.
C.C., your usual?
Oh, it's all right.
Come on, we're all here for the same reason.
Well, speak for yourself, Nanny Fine.
I just came for a tall black Russian.
I'd be happy with a short tan Jew.
-Oh, hey, Miss Babcock. Where you going? -Oh, yeah. Where you going?
Hang out with us a little bit.
You know, just because I work with the kids all day
doesn't mean I can't engage
in intelligent, adult conversation.
So when was the last time you had sexola?
Oh! The next one is on me, Miss Babcock.
Well, thanks, Val.
-You know my name? -Of course, I know your name.
Yeah. But you never called me Val before.
I always thought you hated me
but everyone told me I was being stupid.
Well, don't listen to other people. You were absolutely right.
Excuse me, ladies.
Which one of you ordered the short Jew?
[ALL] Me!
No, this woman had a really distinct voice.
Hi.
You must have really deformed adenoids.
That's your idea of a come-on?
I'm sorry. I'm a doctor.
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
And then the beautiful Snow White
and the handsome Prince Charming
lived happily ever after.
This story really screws with women's heads.
Huh?
Well, what are the women out there supposed to do,
who look more like Grumpy and Dopey?
Well, that's why they sell Clinique-y.
Oh, Miss Fine, where are you off to?
I'm seeing an ear, nose and throat man.
Oh, so, you finally heard yourself on a tape recorder, huh?
Well, now you know what we have to live with day in and day out.
You meant seeing him socially, didn't you?
You know, I may have a funny voice,
but at least I ain't the one sitting home alone,
revisitingBrideshead.
So, Miss Fine, what's this Bob fellow like?
Oh, he is so adorable. You're gonna love him.
-I can't wait for you to meet him. -Well, the important thing
is that you love him, Miss Fine.
-Do you love him, Miss Fine? -Don't be ridiculous.
It took me three years to fall in love with you,
whose chocolate beverage... Moving on.
Miss Fine, I believe your young man just pulled up
in his $80,000 Porsche.
-Oh. Convertible? -No.
Mine is a convertible.
Yes, plus, you have that cool window Garfield.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hi, Fran. -Hi, Bob.
-God. You look great. -Thanks.
Oh, Bob, you can't park there. It's illegal.
Fran, I'm a doctor. I can park anywhere.
Even at a red curb, like in front of Ben & Jerry's?
Even at a fire hydrant in front of Loehmann's.
Here's a towel, sir. Go ahead and throw it in.
Mr. Sheffield, I'd like you to meet Bob.
-Bob. My boss, Mr. Sheffield. -How do you do?
I noticed your Porsche outside.
I'm just a little curious.
Why didn't you get the convertible?
Well, it's a little mid-life crisis if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, there's nothing in here to get me out this.
Fran, I wish I'd met you sooner.
Where were you ten years ago?
At my sweet sixteen party.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
We should get going. I hope you like lobster.
I hope you like a very hands-on mother-in-law.
Well, he seems like a nice chap.
Funny, handsome, personable.
Oh, but, sir, you have that shiny red convertible.
Sir, could I have some time off
to see a doctor about this self-destructive behavior?
[♪♪♪]
Mm. Yeah. It's good. It's... yeah.
Your glands don't seem swollen at all.
No, you're fine.
Oh, wow. Lobster, dancing and a free check-up.
You know, maybe next time I see you,
you could bring some of those paper hospital robes.
They're really great for when I dye my Easter eggs.
Fran, I can't believe how well we're connecting.
It's like I can tell you anything. It's...
-It's like you're a... -Not a sister or a friend?
[LAUGHS] Just kidding.
I just hate when women come across so desperate.
Does this place come with walk-in closets?
Yeah.
So, um, you want children someday?
Yes.
-Is your mother alive? -No.
Take me.
FRAN [THINKING]: Oh, this guy is class plus.
If I marry him, I'll be just like Alexis on Dynasty.
I wonder if they got good bagels in Denver?
[♪♪♪]
Hello, darling.
Angel, you're a vision.
So stunning. Look at you, and all without a stitch of make-up.
FRAN [THINKING]: Oy, is this a good fantasy?
Francesca, bring me my three precious children.
Sweetness, you hired a new nanny?
Yes, and she's brilliant.
I just hope I can trust you around her
with those tiny little skirts and stiletto heels.
FRAN [THINKING]:I'm no fool.
Hello, Lalique.
You're looking butch as always.
You're just jealous
'cause I don't have to wear shoulder pads.
I was a damn fool. It's you I've loved all along.
I should have married you when I had the chance.
Yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm happy now.
You stay away from my husband,
you gorgeous woman with a perfect figure.
C.C. [THINKING]:Gee, I wonder whose fantasy this is?
You schlub!
FRAN [THINKING]:At 29, my life is finally going to be perfect.
Twenty nine? Oy, I'm lying to me now.
[♪♪♪]
Raise your hand if you're in love.
Raise your hand if you're going to die
a bitter, lonely-old-Englishman.
-Miss Fine? -Oh, no, thanks, Niles.
I'm not hungry.
I know. I can't eat. I'm too happy.
It's like I've been possessed by a gentile.
-Will you stop following me? -Why?
Because I don't want to be your friend!
Oh, how can I make you understand?
I don't like you.
I understand that. I'm not stupid.
What I don't understand is, why? Why, Miss Babcock? Why?
What's this I hear you're going to the wedding with Val?
You know what the family is gonna think?
What, ma? That I'm gay?
That I don't mind.
But you couldn't do better than Val?
Oh, does Ellen really wanna put herself through this?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Ma!
Not you. You.
A plate? Hello!
Ma, I didn't wanna tell you this
'cause you always get so carried away, but...
Ma, I met the man I'm gonna marry.
-Oh, my God! -What? What?
Oh, Ms. Fine, don't you think you're moving a little too fast?
Please, you don't know how old she is. She's gonna be 30...
Chocolate chip in the pancakes?
Meanwhile, if you like this guy so much,
why don't you take him to the wedding?
It'll give him a chance to meet the whole family.
I think you just answered your own question, ma.
[♪♪♪]
You should be glad
your daughter's a spinster, Sylvia.
This wedding cost me a fortune.
That would explain why you couldn't get your hair colored.
["HERE COME'S THE BRIDE" PLAYING]
-Fran? -Bob.
-What are you doing here? -What are you doing here?
Isn't it adorable.
Let me get a picture of you and your cousin Bob.
-Cousins? -Cousins?
[BOTH SPIT]
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Now, Miss Fine, I thought a spot of hot tea
and a little pound cake might help.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, does it have a glaze on it?
Sheffield, What's wrong with me?
Why can't I meet the right guy?
Every time I think something's going right,
something weird happens.
You say you love me and then you take it back.
Another guy turns out to be a thief.
Then there's your brother, which you know nothing about.
Moving on.
Thank you.
Oh, God, Miss Fine, I can't take this anymore.
Watching you with Bob, watching you with all these other dates,
constantly getting involved with men who are no good for you.
Ms. Fine, it's time I did something I should have done ages ago.
Oh Mr. Sheffield, what are you saying?
Oh, wait a second.
I have a feeling this is gonna be a memorable moment
and I wanna have my lips on.
-Miss Fine... -Yes, Mr. Sheffield?
I think it's time I sent you to a therapist.
Not a lipstick moment.
A pound cake moment.
[♪♪♪]
Fran, why exactly did you come here?
Oh, well, 'cause Mr. Sheffield's paying.
And who is Mr. Sheffield?
Well, he's the guy I live with. Actually, my boss.
He told me that he loved me, and then he took it back
before anything happened, except the time I saw him naked,
which was really an accident, like the time that I woke up with him in bed.
But, you know, this isn't the problem.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you're serious?
Well, you know what I'd like to do, Fran?
A little word association.
I'm gonna say a word, and then you just tell me whatever comes to mind.
-Good. -You'll be amazed at what we can uncover.
-Um, coffee? -Cake.
No, it hasn't begun yet. I'm just offering.
-Oh, what? Cake? -Coffee.
Pass.
-All right. Let's begin. -Okay.
Here's the first word.
-Man. -Husband.
-Doctor. -And Mrs.
-Pen. -Pre-nup.
We seem to be a little stuck here, Fran.
Ah, try opening your mind to all possibilities.
Okay. Okay.
-China. -Pattern.
-Fish. -Or chicken.
Do you ever think of anything besides marriage?
I do.
-Fran, you're suffering from an obsession. -[GASPS]
You know? Now in order to solve this,
we're going to have to work together.
You'll have to come to see me three times a week.
And I'll just call my contractor
and tell him to begin work on the new spa.
[FRAN LAUGHS]
Oh, Dr. Miller, I don't have an obsession.
I just really, really, really wanna be married.
What you need is not a man, Fran, you need confidence.
And until you start working on that,
you'll end up in an unhealthy codependent relationship,
like the one I had with my ex-wife.
You're single?
[♪♪♪]
-Hi. -Hi.
Now, come on Fran, we gotta get to the club
before all the good ones are taken.
Val, I'm in therapy now. I'm not going to meet a man.
I'm talking about the quesadillas.
I'll get my purse.
Hi, Miss Babcock.
Hi.
Don't be so shy. You haven't called me all week.
I tried but your phone's been disconnected.
But don't worry. Niles gave me your new number.
Oh, he did. How sweet.
I'll just have to go and thank him for that.
Oh, hi.
Oh, well, Miss Fine, how was therapy?
Oh, it is amazing.
You know, Dr. Miller is right on the money.
Well, your money.
[LAUGHS]
Did you know that I was obsessed with wanting a relationship?
Oh, I don't think that's true. Did he cure you?
He told me that I have to focus on myself being an individual
and to stop obsessing on wanting to be married.
The man's a genius.
He said just let go of the past,
forget about what you said or didn't say or took back.
The man's a God.
Let's go, Fran. We're never gonna get into the club.
-Alrighty. -Wait, wait, Miss Fine.
You're going to a club dressed like that?
Oh, yeah. You know, it's part of my therapy.
I no longer dress for men.
No more jumping on your desk in tight little skirts.
No more parading around the house
in cute little crop tops
or wiggling around in my bikinis on the beach.
Oh, by the way, here's the bill.
What happened to not dressing for men?
It's a process.
Meanwhile, does he look depressed?
Yeah.
Therapy is working.
[♪♪♪]
-Happy? -Meal.
-Cold. -Cuts.
-House. -Of Pancakes.
Excuse me.
Yes, this is Dr. Miller.
Why don't you go ahead with the imported tile
for the spa?
[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]