[♪♪♪]
Oh, ma, remember this?
"June 17th. Dear Diary, my prom's tomorrow night
and still no word from David Sole.
Hope I don't wind up with some loser.
June 18th.
Val and I decide not to get each other corsages."
Ma, you know, you're eating butter right out of the tub.
That's right.
It's the bread that puts the weight on.
It's my new diet. See?
Ice cream, no cone.
Cheesecake, no crust.
Stick, no Dove bar.
Sweetheart, what do you want with all these old diaries anyway?
Well, actually, my therapist said that
I should get to the root of the problems that plague me.
So naturally, I came to see you.
Thanks.
But I don't even know what your problem is.
Over 30, not married.
You know, my therapist is making me realize
that I don't need to be married to feel good about myself.
That's nice.
Why don't you book an appointment
on New Year's Eve, when you're alone?
You know, ma, finding a man is your dream for me,
but it isn't mine anymore.
Dr. Miller says that I should go out of the house
without makeup on.
I should even tell people my real age.
What else does this genius have to say?
I don't know. I blacked out after that.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
I can't believe you told your mother
you were giving up men.
-What did she do? -Well, she tried to swallow
a whole rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python.
Maybe you should have told her when she wasn't eating.
[SCOFFS] Oy! You try and catch lightning in a bottle.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't mind me.
I just seem to have misplaced something I need rather badly.
-Oh? -What does it look like, sir?
Well, it's a large, gray overstuffed butler.
I asked for these an hour ago. You're fired.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I should have been more attentive to my duty.
I don't know how you put up with... Oh, bite me.
Oh, I've got to hurry home and get on the Internet.
I have met the most fabulous man online.
-Oh! What's his name? -I don't know.
We go by screen names. His is Porsche Puppy.
You're Good and Plenty?
I am so embarrassed.
The things I said.
The things he said...
You know, he's got quite a vocabulary for a 15-year-old.
Oh, cheer up. You should be happy
someone's still interested in those old floppy disks.
Oh, poor, Ms. Babcock.
You must feel like the biggest loser in the world right now.
Why don't you come out with me and Val tonight?
We'll change all that.
Nanny Fine, give me one good reason
I should go out with you.
'Cause you just broke up with a guy that still sees a pediatrician.
[MOUTHING] Yep.
[♪♪♪]
[COUGHING]
I got one.
You need a man to hook up speakers.
Oh! That's a good one.
Putting together book shelves from Home Depot.
Oh, yeah. [COUGHS]
Helping with the shopping and cooking.
Doing heavy laundry.
I'm sorry. I just know from Jewish men.
You know, coming here was a great idea.
You're a lot smarter than you look, Nanny Fine.
Well, I should hope so.
Look at those men over there staring at us smoke.
It's not very feminine. I wonder why it turns them on so much?
Hi.
Oh, if you don't mind,
we're having a girls' night only.
-Who you interested in? -Her.
Yeah. Girls' night only, bub.
That's too bad, I saw you from across the room,
-and I was gonna... -Catch you later.
[LAUGHS]
What's so funny?
Oh, I just remembered something Porsche Puppy said.
[♪♪♪]
Excuse me, sir.
I'm leaving now, as per your firing me.
Just save your apologies. I can take this abuse no longer.
-Just bring my bloody lunch in. -Good to be back, sir.
Where's Ms. Fine?
She's out with Ms. Babcock.
You know, our two single independent women.
When you sent Ms. Fine to therapy,
you never thought how it would affect me.
Ms. Babcock should be here. She's my home entertainment center.
Niles, can you get me a drink?
Happy hour doesn't start till you go home. See, it just doesn't work with her.
Look, would you stop complaining?
Ms. Fine giving up men is a godsend.
But sir, you're a man, despite the way you dribble a ball
and those bath beads you like so much.
This is not about me.
Ms. Fine giving up her urge to be in a relationship
is the best thing for her.
No more rushing into romances,
no more getting her poor heart broken.
No more nudging you to make a commitment.
Yeah, I know. Isn't it wonderful?
The best part of it is, it's all the doctor's idea.
There's no way I can be blamed for this.
I blame you for this.
I don't know who the bigger nut is,
that shrink for telling her she doesn't need to get married.
Or you for paying for it.
Tell her that you can't afford it, that you're broke.
Well, she'll never believe that. He's worth millions.
Have you ever thought of investing in a bagel nosh in Boca?
I know a couple that could run it for you.
Sylvia, look, your daughter has reevaluated
her goals in life, and we're just gonna have to support her.
Why? She doesn't support my goals
that she get married, have children...
See her picture in this frame.
That's my family.
Hello?
Oy, I am so upset.
I don't know whether this is Muenster or Jack.
Sylvia. Sylvia, listen to me.
You're going to have to give your daughter room to grow
or you're gonna risk alienating her.
How could I be so stupid?
This is cheddar with port-wine marbling.
[♪♪♪]
Okay. One question, little buddy.
Do you think this leather jacket
is a little too come-hither for a gay club?
Well, personally, I have problems
with tall blond Aryans in leather jackets.
What makes you think the place is a gay club?
Why, I heard your mother scream at you
for pursuing a sick alternative lifestyle.
Oh, she just meant being single.
Oh, do you have to know every bloody thing
that's going on in this house?
You're like a fishwife.
Okay, Dad.
They're going to a blues bar with Val.
C.C.'s treating to a cab.
Now, the boots that I want are on hold at Bergdorf's.
-[CLEARS THROAT] -You know, If we change our hair appointments to the same day,
we can talk under the dryers.
-You know what, Nanny Fine? -What?
I'm not even gonna take my purse.
I don't need my perfume or my makeup.
I'm not primping for a man.
You know what? I don't need my purse either.
Let's go.
You know what, wait a minute. I just need one thing in here.
Just one minute here.
I gotta have this and my credit card.
I'm gonna just take that. And then a couple more things.
I can't really live without them.
You know what? I can't do this. I can't...
Na, I'm not ready for this yet, that's all.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Oh, I'll get it.
-Hi. -Hi.
Listen, I can't go out with you tonight
and celebrate that we don't need men.
-Why? -Because I got one.
Bye, Val. Have fun.
Well, looks like it's just you and me, Ms. Babcock.
-More no men for us. -Yeah.
Chandler, what are you doing here?
I just stopped by to drop off these contracts.
All right, that's a lie.
I own three Broadway theaters.
I don't need to deliver my own contracts, I just...
wanted to catch one more glimpse of that smooth white skin.
Oh, well, Maxwell's English.
You know, they all have that milky...
Oh, me?
I know this is kind of last-minute, but...
Do you think you could join me for dinner tonight?
Well, Chandler, it's 8:30 on a Saturday night.
Yes.
Well, good night and thank you very much.
Boy, I hope she's not planning on getting lucky tonight.
-Why not? -'Cause she took my purse.
The only protection I got in there is a picture of ma.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Okay, how about this one? You win the lottery, get struck by lightning
and you're invited to the White House by President Perot?
No, no.
The odds of Val and Ms. Babcock
both having boyfriends is still higher.
I suppose we should be happy for them.
-But who is? -Ah, screw 'em.
You know, they're going out on another double date tonight.
They asked me to join them, but... I don't wanna be a fifth wheel.
Oh, if I were you, I would go.
-Really? -Of course.
Remember, when a tire goes out on a car,
they need that fifth wheel.
-What's that mean? -I don't know.
I'm depressed about Ms. Babcock. I've been in the brandy.
Oh, what is wrong with me? I can hold my own without a man.
I'm an independent, self-sufficient woman.
You know what? I'm gonna march right down there
and order me a lobster.
-A lobster? -I'll bat my eyes a few times.
The boys will pick up the check.
Oh, where's Ms. Fine?
She's stepping out with my baby.
I was gonna cheer her up.
I made reservations for the two of us at La Côte Basque.
Oh, well, never mind.
-What are you doing tonight? -Oh, nothing sir.
-Free as a bird. -Oh, good.
Cancel my reservations and make me a taco.
[♪♪♪]
Now, before we dig in, I just want to say this evening is on me.
Oh, no, no, no.
Say something.
Can I order the really big shrimp?
Why don't I choose a wine?
Hi.
But not that one.
-Hi. -Hi.
We were beginning to hope... think you wouldn't come.
I'll just sit on the side here. Just move over, just a little bit.
I don't take up a lot of room.
I don't know why we haven't done this before, Ms. Babcock.
Me neither, Val.
Salud.
That's why.
Good garlic toast.
You know, next time we all go out together, we should try
the Chinese restaurant next door.
That's the real McCoy.
Full of Jews.
Oh, the cheese is just a little clumpy.
Maybe we should order our entrées.
Oh, good. That's a good idea. Yeah, let's order.
Wait, someone must be sitting on my menu.
-FRAN: Oh? No, no. -VAL: Oh, no.
Fran. Fran.
-CHANDLER: Are you all right? -Yes, okay. I'm okay.
I'm fine. I'm fine. Go back to your calamari.
Nothing to see here.
-Why don't I sit on the end? -Oh, okay.
-Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. -Okay.
How embarrassing.
Okay. Here we go. All right.
Now, let's see. Hmm.
Dinner for two. Chateaubriand for two.
That's for two. What is this? A restaurant or an ark?
You know Fran, I think that guy over there is flirting with you.
Look, he's waving, he's pointing.
Oh, Val, I so don't care.
Why does a man think just because a woman is alone
that she instantly wants a companion?
Oh, here we go. Here we go.
-Excuse me. -Yes?
There's a candle behind you, and I think your hair's on fire.
Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Everything's okay. Okay.
Stop hitting me, Val.
-Okay. -I think this garlic bread's burned
or got smoked cheese or something.
Oh, right, right.
I just thought it was hot because I'm sitting next to you.
Oh, stop.
[WHISTLING]
Maximum capacity 140.
[EURYTHMICS "WOULD I LIE TO YOU" PLAYING]
-Care to dance? -I would.
How about it, Val? Would you like to dance?
Well, I don't want to leave Fran sitting here all by herself.
Oh, no, it's okay, honey. Go ahead. Have fun.
-All right. -You know what?
-I could dance by myself. -Yeah.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
♪♪ Oh yeah Would I lie to you honey? ♪♪
♪♪ No, no, no ♪♪
♪♪ Now would I say something that wasn't true? ♪♪
♪♪ I'm asking you sugar Would I lie to you? ♪♪
♪♪ My friends - know... ♪♪
[GLORIA ESTEFAN'S "ANYTHING FOR YOU" PLAYING] ♪♪ Not here ♪♪
♪♪ In spite of it all ♪♪
♪♪ I've learned so much from you ♪♪
♪♪ You made me strong ♪♪
♪♪ Don't you ever think that I don't love you ♪♪
♪♪ That for one minute I forgot you ♪♪
♪♪ But sometimes things don't work out right ♪♪
♪♪ And you just have to say goodbye... ♪♪
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -No, that's all right.
We're staying at the airport Hilton.
[♪♪♪]
I mean, what do we really know about this Chandler fellow
Ms. Babcock's so fond of?
Mm. Where did that psychiatrist get his degree?
That's what I'd like to know.
Gin.
I mean, what kind of an imbecile encourages a single woman
to go out with two couples like some kind of a fifth wheel?
Yes, it's madness, sir.
I sent her to that psychiatrist to stop this dating lunacy
and get her to spend more time here with me.
Well, the children, you know.
Oh, gin.
It's time you went to bed, Brighton.
Okay. Well here's what you guys owe me.
He's a good card player.
Oh well, he learned it from me.
-Well, good night, sir. -Yeah, good night.
Oh, listen, Niles,
I was thinking, tomorrow is Saturday.
-Do you have any plans? -Why?
You want me to move the piano upstairs?
Snake the drains in all the bathrooms?
Well actually, I was gonna ask you to join me at the club for brunch,
but if you're gonna have that attitude,
you can just stay home, and heat yourself a bloody Pizza Pocket.
Uh, bye.
Yeah... no, no, no. I can't tomorrow.
Oh, go home, you zanies.
Oh, those four, just party, party, party.
But, you know, I gotta get up in the morning.
-So, what? You had a good time, Ms. Fine? -Need you ask?
Does this look like the face of a person that had a bad time?
I had a fabulous time. Why do you think I've been out half the night?
Well, Ms. Fine, it's only 8:15.
I had a horrible time.
Oh, Ms. Fine, there, there.
You know, Ms. Fine, it's a very brave thing you did.
Just after Sara died,
when I had to venture out on my own for the first time,
just me and my butler and my chauffeur...
Well, the point is... the point is, Ms. Fine,
this independence takes time.
I'll tell you what.
Just for now, why don't we practice
being on our own together?
On our own together?
That could work.
-What are you playing? -Solitaire.
Can I play too?
Uh, well, actually Ms. Fine,
it's a game for one person to...
Oh, all right. Go on. Have a go.
Oh, well, here's your whole problem, mister.
You got a king over here by himself
and you got a queen over there alone like a dog.
Put your queen on top of your king
and watch what happens.
-Over there. -All right.
-Okay. Yes. -Move that over there.
-All right. -Okay.
Oh, now we're getting some action, you see?
All right. And I'm done.
See how fast I finished?
And you wonder why you're playing solitaire.
When I snap my fingers...
you will no longer try to fix your daughter up with men.
You will no longer be obsessed with her getting married.
And you'll have a burning desire to move to Boca.
Fran, I just had a fabulous idea.
It came to me in a dream.
What, ma?
You'll get married in Boca.
All right. This session's on me.
[♪♪♪]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]