Darling, I don't care what you say,
these rice cakes taste like cork.
That's a coaster, Ma.
Here's the rice cake.
Will you stop hawking me?
The doctor told me my cholesterol was perfect.
Stop it! Stop that!
You can't keep eating fat like this
or you're not gonna live long enough to dance at my wedding.
I'll take my chances.
You see how mean I get when I don't eat?
- Well, goodbye, sweetheart. - Bye, Ma.
Oop, not so fast.
What? You want a hug?
No, kisses.
- [PHONE RINGS] - [DOOR SHUTS]
- Yello. - WOMAN:Yes, I'm looking for Ms. Fran Fine.
Oh, this is Fran Fine.
Oh, you have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice.
You know, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that...
...I'd have a nickel.
Maybe I should just be direct.
My name is Lila Baker.
Ms. Fine, there's a possibility
that there was a mix-up in the hospital,
and I may be your birth mother.
What? Oh, that's ridiculous.
I mean, you obviously have the wrong Fran Fine.
Although, who else but a mother could be so happy to hear this voice?
[LILA LAUGHS IN FRAN'S STYLE]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
So, C.C., how is everything going in Los Angeles, hmm?
C.C.:Fabulous, Maxwell.
I have a friend at CBS who wants to buy our show
and turn it into a TV series!
Whoa, back up.
You have a friend?
So, C.C., you do realize
if we sell this idea, you're gonna have to live out there.
What?
No comment from the Quicker Picker Upper?
No. He's outside. I don't think he heard you.
NILES: Whoo-hoo!
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so freaked out.
A woman just called and told me that Ma may not be my real mother.
So... are we happy or sad?
We're thinking.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ma, look at you.
You're being so good. I'm so proud of you.
Well, I'm trying.
Now I know why I breast-fed for two years.
I was sucking Yoo-Hoo.
You know, Ma, if you continue to eat this way,
you are going to kill yourself.
You know, I get so little pleasure in life.
It's not like you've given me a wedding to plan
- or grandchildren or-- - Have some whipped cream.
Thank you.
Ma, when I was born, who did I look like?
Dick Van Patten.
And when we were in the hospital, were you with me every second?
I never let you out of my sight.
Not even to go out and steal
some rice pudding or Jell-O or--
What are you, the hospital security?
So I took a cobbler that didn't belong to me.
The woman was catatonic.
So you did leave me.
[QUIETLY] Maybe we're not related.
[theme song fromMaude
SYLVIA:♪♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪
♪♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪
♪♪ That uncompromisin', enterprisin' ♪♪
♪♪ Anything but tranqulizin' ♪♪
♪♪ Right on Maude! ♪♪
Nadine, Francine, come on in.
I madegedempte meatballs mit noodles.
Why do you have to scream? We're right here.
Who's screaming?
Morty!
Ma, you sound so obnoxious.
I can't believe you're my mother.
Well, believe it.
Meet my hips, Nadine and Francine.
Who's she blaming for her tush, cousin Scooter Pie?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, I'm just so honored
that Totie Fields came for supper.
Maybe you're not her real daughter.
Did you ever wonder why you have black hair and we have blonde?
That's because Francine looks like Daddy.
See?
Now, less talk and more eat.
After supper,
we're gonna go buy your Halloween costumes.
I thought you'd go as a bride.
I don't want to go as a bride.
I want to go as a career woman.
A career woman?
Whose child are you?
That's it, young lady.
No moreThat Girl
Ma, I have something very important I need to tell you.
Oh, let me switch to a softer food so I could hear you.
Ma, a woman called me this morning and said
that because of a hospital mix-up years ago,
it's possible that she's my real mother.
Oh, my God!
What kind of a crackpot would make up a thing like that?
She's trying to extort something probably,
from me and your father.
Like what, Ma?
Your toaster oven with the burnt cheese on the heating coil?
Ma...
I invited this woman over to the house tomorrow.
I just need to know.
Fran, you are my daughter.
I remember every detail of your birth like it was yesterday.
I remember I ordered two eggs over easy.
It came scrambled but I'm not a complainer.
Then I'm thinking, what is so delicious?
And I find bacon bits in it.
I had to push it away. It was Rosh Hashanah.
I was born on a Jewish holiday?
Oh, my God, then there really could have been a mix-up.
I mean, what, were there, like, two doctors left in that hospital?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Your cheeks were so rosy when you were a baby.
Were you wearing blush?
No. I was making.
C.C., just tell them the deal is off.
I want you to get yourself on a plane and come home.
Are you stark raving mad, sir? Sell that shlock.
I'd just like to know why they were interested in my play in the first place
if they wanna change everything.
Oh, you'll drive yourself crazy asking questions like that.
Just tell them, show me the money!
I'll call her back in the car.
Now, come on, we're gonna miss the movies.
- Bye, Fran. - Bye, kids. Have fun.
There we are, Ms. Fine.
This way you can meet your new mother in private.
Don't call me Ms. Fine. That may not be my name.
I may be a completely different person.
I may not even talk like this.
Come here. Oh, come on.
I'm sure everything is gonna turn out just fine.
[THINKING]Well, well, well,
I'm getting a different mother,
and suddenly he can't keep his hands off me.
Coincidence? I think not.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, my God.
LILA: Fran?
Ma?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, look at us. You can't be my mother.
Why not? Your children look nothing like you.
Those aren't my children. I'm not even married.
You're not? Honey, what are you waiting for?
Sit down, Ma.
So I'm guessing that my father was probably, uh...
a honky?
Well, actually when we first met, I thought he was black.
But then two weeks after we left Miami, he faded.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, Miami.
So then, I'm still Jewish.
Oh, absolutely.
You know, actually, Fran, we wouldn't be sitting here together
- if it weren't for Morley Safer. - [GASPS]
Morley Safer's my father?
No.
No, no,60 Minutes did an exposé
on this nurse at Midtown General.
She confessed that she had mixed up some birth records
right around the time both of you were born.
[GASPS] How could that happen?
She said she dropped them while she was chasing
some maternity patient who was stealing food.
So anyway, my daughter got tested and found out that it was true.
There is no way that we are genetically related.
- Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk... - Oh, we were both devastated
when we found out I wasn't her real mother.
Wait until she finds out who her real mommy might be.
Listen, Fran, you know what?
I would love for you to come to dinner tomorrow night
and meet the rest of the family.
I have two grown sons.
Oh, all right, I got brothers.
That's right. By my second husband. He's African-American.
Oh, so I got "brothers."
[LAUGHING]
So you're telling me that you're black?
And beautiful.
Well, you're finally home.
Ms. Babcock called,
and it looks as if she won't be moving to California.
CBS decided not to do your play.
- Why? - Because they saw it.
So now I bet they make me pitch a hundred lame ideas
just to keep me to that bloody contract.
Do you mean there's still a chance
to keep C.C. selling shoddy shows by the seashore?
You get in your office, man,
and come up with a fresh idea.
If I had a fresh idea,
I wouldn't be trying to sell this crap on Broadway.
What about the story of the nice Jewish girl from Flushing
who discovers that her mother is an African-American?
Excuse me, but this happens to be a highly personal, very private story...
- You'll get a royalty. - ...that just screams movie of the week.
- You want a nosh? - Mmm.
I just made a peanut butter sandwich
courtesy of mymishpocha, George Washington Carver.
I just came by to tell you, you're killing me!
Want it cut in half or in the diagonal?
You're just gonna let her walk out like that?
Diagonal.
Oh, she's waiting right outside the door,
just waiting for me to come around and beg her to come in.
SYLVIA: Bigshot, knows everything!
I just want you to know
that after you gave me the bad news yesterday,
my whole body broke out in blotches all over.
- Look. - Oh, please, no.
Let's keep those hatches battened down, shall we?
Ma, calm down. You're very upset.
- [CRYING] - You want some pudding?
Why do people think I only respond to food?
My heart is breaking!
Oh, Sylvia, you're here, perfect.
Ms. Babcock faxed over this contract.
We're doing a movie about your daughter and her two mothers.
[WAILING]
We'll need your John Hancock right here.
Niles, can't you see Sylvia is distraught?
My God, the woman turned down pudding.
When did I turn it down?
[♪ Sister Sledge: "We Are Family"]
♪♪ We are family ♪♪
♪♪ I got all my sisters with me ♪♪
♪♪ We are family ♪♪
[SIREN WAILS]
♪♪ Get up everybody, sing ♪♪
What?
♪♪ We are family... ♪♪
[SHUTS OFF ENGINE]
Can I see your license please?
Officer, I was not speeding.
I'm citing you for reckless driving, lady.
What reckless? I was just putting on mascara
and brushing my hair.
What were you holding the wheel with?
Driver's license, please.
You know, it is just so obvious why you stopped me.
Yeah? And why is that, Ms. Fine?
[SCOFFS] Because I'm black.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi.
Wow! What a palace!
Ooh, I forgot something.
- What? - My luggage.
- Fran, I'm so delighted to see you. - Hi. Mwah!
Oh, Ma, I just love what you've done with our home.
Oh...
We had it all redone in neo-classic.
Oh, we had ours all recovered in neo-plastic.
[LAUGHING]
- I'd like for you to meet my son. - Oh, hi.
- How do you do? I'm David. - Hi.
- Hello. I'm Mark. - Oh, why so formal?
I'm your sister. Come here and give me a hug.
You know, I haven't seen you guys in....
Well, ever. [LAUGHING]
Shall we havehors d'doeuvres in the salon?
Oy, a salon.
Why didn't Morley Safer do that story 20 years ago?
Ooh! So, tell me, boys, what do you do?
I'm a resident at New York Hospital.
Ooh, ha!
I'm in NYU Law School.
And I'm a nanny. Look at this, Ma. Three professionals.
Boy, ambition like that, it's in the blood.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh, raisin kugel.
- It was your grandmother's recipe. - Oh.
Man, her potato latkes were the bomb.
- Where is she? - Ma?
I can't keep silent no more.
Fran is my daughter.
I nursed her through measles, chicken pox, her first zits,
and no one will ever take her away from me.
You're black?
How the hell can she be your mother?
Well, her first husband was Jewish.
Oh, well, that explains the kugel I smell,
which no one has offered me.
Why are you pursuing this? I am your mother,
and nothing that this woman will ever say
will ever convince me that I am not.
Would you two like a little privacy?
We have a guest house.
You hear that?
Your mother has a guest house.
[PHONE RINGING]
Does your butler service the guest house, too?
Ma.
BOTH: What?
Well, that was the hospital
with the results of Fran's blood test.
Yeah?
Mom, I'm really sorry,
but your DNA doesn't match.
Fran's not your daughter.
- Tsk! Oh... - I'm so disappointed.
I feel like I've known you my whole life.
Oh, you know, you will always be my friend.
Doctors make mistakes. We'll get a second opinion.
Ma, you're embarrassing me.
Will you stop calling me Ma?
Knock it off, you're my mother.
If I can accept it, who's the bigger sport here?
BOTH: Good.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, I can't believe I came this close
to having a gorgeous mansion with a butler
and a loving family of my own.
Ms. Fine, you have all that here.
Here's what I'm talking about.
- [GROANS] - Oh, C.C., at last, there you are.
What on earth kept you?
Well, the plane landed in Chicago, Bucksnort, Tennessee;
and I don't know, Hooterville.
What hack travel agent booked that flight?
I'm Niles, fly me.
Fran, is your mother mad at us?
She hasn't called, she hasn't come over.
There are left-overs.
Oh, honey, I think that the whole mix-up really got to her.
She hasn't answered any of my calls.
Maybe she just needs a little space.
Sylvia, dear, you don't understand.
You see, even if Fran were my daughter
you and I are not related.
Fine, I know when I'm not wanted.
And I'm not one to push.
Morty, wake up Yetta and get out of the pool!
[AWKWARD LAUGH]
Hey, I grew up pretty good.
I got myself a mansion, kids, a gorgeous husband.
You're the nanny, baby.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]