[MUSIC PLAYING]
"Miracle soap washes away fat.
Shower and shed pounds at the same time."
Wow, Ma, that's perfect for you.
You can use a bar of Dove to get rid of your Dove Bar.
Ladies, tell me, what could be better than my new play
being nominated for a Tony award?
Your face on my grandchild.
No. No, seriously, Sylvia,
I've been nominated for five Tonys.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so--
- Am I coming too? - Of course.
--happy for you.
So, what is the play about?
"The Widower"?
Well, it's about a man
who loses the love of his life
and vows never to love again.
So he foregoes any chance to remarry
and remains a widower till the day he dies.
Sounds very poignant.
You need a house to fall on you?
Ma, it's a beautiful love story.
Not even the gorgeous governess in the third act
could turn the widower's head.
I don't know what happened after that.
I was sobbing too violently.
So where are the children?
I sent Niles to tell them I got five.
They're not coming down until they know
how many Andrew Lloyd Webber got.
Oh, good Lord.
They really think I'm that childish?
Two.
I got five. He's got two. I got five. He's got two.
- I'm so happy for you, Dad. - It's so great.
- Are we gonna go to the Tony Awards? - Yeah.
Maxwell, why are you in here, hugging children?
We gotta get out there and turn it on for the judges.
Now, what would I look really great in?
A sealed mausoleum.
Kids, kids, I'm so excited. The Tonys get so many stars.
Oh, I know.
Too many nominations scare me.
Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be
to be up for five awards
and not even win one?
You know, next time you kvetch about my therapy bills
would you remember this moment?
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Fran, don't look, but I think that's Liza
coming down the row in front of us.
I probably shouldn't have said that.
Oh, hello, Miss Minnelli.
Velkommen. Welcome.
- [LIZA GASPS] - Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
That was terrible. Here we go.
One more time. Oh, okay, okay.
All right. Keep moving, honey. We can't see.
Miss-- Miss Fine!
You know what? I'm out of control.
Here, take the camera from me.
All right. This is it. If they start to shoot our row
I don't want anyone making rabbit ears
behind anyone else's heads. Just behave yourselves.
- When did I ever do that? - I wasn't speaking to you.
One time at the Angela Lansbury roast.
Would you let it go?
Okay. Now, you know, Andrew Lloyd Webber won two awards.
You've won two awards. He's not up for anything else.
You're not gonna hear his name again.
MALE HOST: Now, to present the nominees for best play:
Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER: The nominees are:
"Saint Thomas," Martin Brig, producer.
"Flight of the June Bird," Marilyn Schank, producer.
And "The Widower," Ma-- [CLEARS THROAT]
Ma-- [COUGHS]
Ma-- Pardon me. I'm so sorry.
[COUGHS]
Maxwell Sheffield, you little twit!
ANDREW: And the award goes to:
"The Widower," Maxwell Sheffield, producer.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. I co-produced. I raised money.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nanny Fine, get off me!
Sorry.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Do you think you could possibly manage a smile for the reporters
so they don't think my butler is a criminal on work furlough?
Go like this:
Forgive me, sir.
But try to see your winning an award from my point of view.
You say, "Welcome to my party, Senator."
And I say, "The little ones are cheese."
That's your job. I pay you overtime, don't I?
- What more do you want? - Look up.
You gathered the family around for photos backstage
then make me stand behind you
and pull your jacket in to give you a V shape.
Good Lord.
Crinkle your forehead.
Just for once, just once,
I wish you'd behave like a normal but--
What the hell are you doing?
Are you insane?
Would you trust me?
You've got that whole pasty, Hugh Grant,
I-need-a-week-in-Miami look.
Maxwell, the reporters are here.
Nanny Fine, I need something at your mother's house.
- Oh, what? - You.
Oh!
Did you know that we are booked through '99?
That grieving widower speech of yours was a gold mine.
C.C., I was speaking from the heart.
- All those years-- - Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Handy Wipe, I want you to some scoop ashes
out of the fireplace and put them in here.
We'll plop it on your desk and say it's Sara
always near you, yada yada.
C.C., I will not pass off Duraflame residue
as the mother of my children.
Maxwell, I never noticed
how long and luxurious your lashes are.
Just send in the reporters, would you?
All right, Niles, how do I look?
Well, you really should switch to the waterproof.
Oh, just knock it off.
Ladies, gentlemen, please, come this way.
Maxwell, congratulations. "The Widower" is a hit.
Do you think the play's touched a lot of people
because it's the true story of you and your wife?
Well, I think people like to see a play they can relate to.
The widower hasn't been with a woman
since the death of his wife.
Are you expecting us to believe that's true of you?
A guy like you, with those lashes?
Let's just say I think
my memories will last me a long time.
[DEEP VOICE] Are you telling me you never plan to remarry?
Well, now, that depends.
Of course, if the right woman were to--
Miss Fine!
Ignore her. She is just the nanny.
Any of you have children? Because we're letting her go.
- That's your nanny? - Hi.
I saw you at the Tonys. Nice.
So you took the whole household. Hey, how about a picture?
Oh, I don't really think it's appropriate.
Get me from the left, honey.
- Nanny Fine. - What?
This is a press conference,
not Eva Perón on the Rainbow Tour.
Oh!
This is Maxwell's moment.
Get out of my light.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Would you get undressed and go to bed already?
I could still get a call.
It's past midnight. The cast party's over.
He's not inviting you.
I don't know why not.
I was the inspiration for the character of the butler.
He was 25 with a blond pompadour and an impish grin.
Well, so was I, 600,000 Brillo pads ago.
Niles, you going somewhere?
Oh, I thought I'd just trot over to the cast party and clean up.
Oh, stop it.
You can do that in the morning.
Now, Miss Fine, you did understand
this party was for cast and crew only, right?
I mean, you weren't expecting to be invited, were you?
No.
Margaret? It's a little late for you, isn't it?
I'm home. Okay? So lay off me.
You're like the last person I have to answer to.
Where did that come from?
You get back down here, young lady.
- MAGGIE: No! - [DOOR SLAMS]
She's not gonna get away with speaking to me like that.
Oh, now, wait, wait. Let her just calm down a little bit.
What do you mean, her calm down? What about me?
You're just gonna have to deal with it.
Look, when I hit puberty, my mother was a size 6.
When I hit 18, so did she.
Whatever could make her leave and then come back home
with a completely different personality?
Hey, I don't even wanna think about it.
Do you read those pamphlets they send home from school?
So what do you think?
Alcohol? Sex?
Not tonight.
I'm too distracted.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So, you see, it's really a typical adolescent reaction.
Someone else is in the limelight
and they lash out to get attention.
Yes, I see. I see.
So, what would you suggest?
Have you tried one of those trophies
that says, "Butler of the Year"?
Okay. I'm here.
Hello, I'm Dr. Miller. Please, have a seat.
This is a total waste of time.
So, Margaret, your family feels that something's bothering you.
Well, honey, just feel free to vent your feelings.
I mean, nobody's gonna hold it against you.
Just tell us what's on your mind.
Okay, I hate him.
That's okay. That's okay. Don't take it personal.
Just let her express.
I hate you too.
Open a window!
Open a window! I cannot breathe!
Look.
Look, Margaret, if I've hurt you,
I can't do anything about it
until I know what it is I'm supposed to have done.
Well, fine.
Here.
[BOTH GASP]
"The Nanny and The Hunk Producer"?
"Broadway's leading widower keeps
broad on the side for years."
You and Fran had an affair while Mom was still alive.
You even cheated on your honeymoon.
Look, the pictures prove it.
Margaret, you can't believe this.
Sweetie, for this to be true,
do you know how old I would have to be?
Yeah, 40.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God, she's doing drugs too.
Well, the good news is
Brighton and Gracie never even saw
that story in the tabloids.
The bad news is, I didn't know that and I told them.
But the paper's credibility was blown by the headline:
"Neighbors Scream Eyesore
as Barbara Eden Moves Into Giant Bottle."
I don't know where they got photographs from my honeymoon.
I mean, who would want to hurt me like this
for a few thousand dollars?
Good heavens.
You got your finger caught in John Gielgud's fly.
Trust me, if I needed money,
I wouldn't have to make something up.
He was King Lear, I was his dresser.
Did I say a word?
I just wanna hit something.
I mean, doesn't it drive you crazy
people reading this stuff and then believing it?
Look, they were accusing me of having an affair
with a married millionaire.
In my old neighborhood, that's a career goal.
All you have to do is worry about Maggie.
What do you care about the rest of the world?
Nobody but a mindless nutcase would buy into this junk.
You were having an affair
with Mr. Sheffield on his honeymoon?
And you're still getting 6 bucks an hour?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Who is it?
GRACE: It's me. I'm very upset. I need to talk.
Okay, I'm in, honey. You can go.
Gracie...
Hey, I can't even get a Happy Meal by myself. She owns me.
Oh, Fran, I can't believe
you'd use a little girl to get what you want.
And it's not as easy as it used to be.
She's much bigger and less compelling.
Sweetie, I gotta get you to understand--
I do understand. I finally understand why Dad
would hire a woman off a résumé written in lipstick.
And she's still our nanny,
even though, like, two of us can drive.
Sweetie, these pictures of your father and I
on the beach are completely fake.
Prove it.
Look at this. I'm wearing Clinique Ivory Bisque base.
Not patented until 1987. Ha!
There's your smoking gun, sister.
Oh, Fran, you're wasting your breath.
Maggie, I can't believe you would actually think I--
I'm capable of something like this.
I'll tell you, I'm so hurt, I--
I don't think I could ever forgive you.
Well, Fran, what do you expect me to think?
It's so obvious Dad is in love with you.
I forgive.
Oh, Dad, I'm sorry. I believe you now.
Fran explained everything,
about how you told her you loved her
and then took it back.
After, of course, saying
she's the most beautiful woman in the world,
and that you can't live another day without her.
Well, did you want your daughter back or not?
Well, Maxwell, this is dreadful.
No, no, C.C., it's all right.
The children understand it's a lie.
Well, Margaret was upset.
I don't give a rat's butt about them.
Ticket sales came to a screeching halt
- because of this rag. - Well...
"Broadway's grieving widower can't keep his pants on"?
[GASPS]
I look unbelievable in this shot.
Oh, this is too much. This-- Does this journalist
have any idea what he's doing to people's lives?
I'm going right down there now.
What are you gonna do? Punch him out?
Violence never solves anything.
What do you care what the whole world thinks?
"Forty-year-old nanny"?! I want his blood!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You!
How can you hurt someone like this?
How can you destroy someone's reputation?
Yeah, 40?
Where do you come up with this garbage?
I do a lot of research. See that?
Apple Bears Amazing Resemblance to Late Funnyman, Redd Foxx.
Do you have any idea how much pain
- you've caused me and my family? - Yes.
- Don't you care who you hurt? - No.
Look, I'm warning you, if you don't stop
this scurrilous assault right now,
you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Oh, jeez, I've never been sued before.
I'm scared.
Come on, Miss Fine, this man obviously has no conscience
- or remorse. Let's go. - Yeah.
Hey, pal, look, I'm not forcing
6-year-old Malaysians to make sequined jackets.
I write for a tabloid.
I make up stuff only an idiot would believe.
John-John's getting a divorce?
Miss Fine.
Oh, sorry.
Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your kids.
I'll never write about either one of you again.
Well, thank you.
You see, you gotta open up a mouth in this world.
We appealed to his decency and convinced him to stop.
Well, that and the fact it was the worst-selling issue
in five years.
It serves him-- What?
Laid there like a lox.
Are you telling me
that the hunk producer and the naughty nanny
didn't fly off the stands?
Stinko. A bomb.
We were embarrassed.
We're going back to Princess Di. She sells beautiful.
I don't understand why no one wanted to read about us.
Oh, you don't know how to market us.
That's your problem, mister.
You gotta appeal to the younger demographic.
It was the 40 that killed us.
Hey, guys, it's over. You're dullsville.
Dullsville?
You wanna see hot?
You wanna see steamy?
Get over here, Naughty Nanny.
- Is he looking at us? - Oh, yeah.
Miss Fine, he's just turned off the light.
He's developing the film.
Well, you see, they gave me this little trophy
that says, "Butler of the Year."
It's nice, isn't it?
And I know I should be happy,
but I'm suffering from tremendous guilt.
Where do you think that comes from?
I never clean under anything.
I always lie and say that it's decaf
because I don't feel like making a second pot.
And during prom season, I drive the limo for extra cash.
Well, maybe you weren't meant to be a butler.
I know.
I stink.
I don't deserve to be his butler.
He's so good to me.
He's even paying for this session.
I think we're going to have to talk again about this.
Dee Dee, run a TRW on Maxwell Sheffield.
But the paper lost its credibility by the-- Was--
Okay. I know it. I know. I know it. I know.
Okay.
Where did that come from?
You get back down here, young lady!
Oh, no, no...
- MAGGIE: No! - [DOOR SLAMS]
[LAUGHS]
Well, you wanted to get your daughter back or-- Or what?
[LAUGHS]
- What's that line? - WOMAN: Again from the top.
"Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?
Oh! Heh.
What do you think of this, Miss Fine?
Let me see.
[MUSIC PLAYING]