1
00:00:06,216 --> 00:00:09,333
Niles, any more of those little
sausage patties in the kitchen?
2
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:13,200
- Hello.
- Does that answer
your question?
3
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,433
Oh, look,
there's a big article
4
00:00:17,466 --> 00:00:20,416
about the charity auction
that you're producing.
5
00:00:20,450 --> 00:00:25,500
How come you're standing
right next to Fidel Castro?
6
00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:28,233
Ma, that's Miss Babcock.
Niles had the paper first.
7
00:00:31,316 --> 00:00:35,483
"Sheffield Produces Benefit
for New York Restoration
Project."
8
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,160
- Oh, we're gonna make
a fortune.
- [CHUCKLES]
9
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,383
It's time the fat cats
puts something back.
10
00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:43,433
Fine. But I already licked it.
11
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:50,133
I am so sick
of planning this charity
event.
12
00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:53,183
How am I gonna fit four more
people at this table?
13
00:00:53,216 --> 00:00:54,433
Give up your seat.
14
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,150
Okay. Listen up.
15
00:00:59,183 --> 00:01:01,150
I am busting my butt
16
00:01:01,183 --> 00:01:04,200
for a benefit that doesn't
involve profit and I've got
PMS.
17
00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:06,166
The ice is thin!
18
00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:15,330
Good idea, C.C.,
putting Tom at our table.
19
00:01:16,483 --> 00:01:23,160
So who's Tom and does he
have a Cruise, Hanks
or Selleck after his name?
20
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:24,433
Rosenstein.
21
00:01:24,466 --> 00:01:27,433
Does he have a "doctor"
before it?
22
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:31,383
He happens to be one of
the richest men in New York.
23
00:01:31,416 --> 00:01:33,333
And if schmoozed properly
24
00:01:33,366 --> 00:01:37,333
will be investing $5 million
in our next show.
25
00:01:37,366 --> 00:01:41,160
Wow, never mind what he's got
in front or after his name.
26
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,466
Does he have an "and missus"
anywhere near it?
27
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,183
Look, Miss Fine,
this event won't interest
you.
28
00:01:48,216 --> 00:01:52,450
No single men, no shrimp,
and no stars will be there.
29
00:01:52,483 --> 00:01:55,316
What about Bette Midler?
I thought she was coming.
30
00:01:55,350 --> 00:01:58,366
[GASPS]
31
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,466
But I also thought I had
an inheritance and I'm
probably wrong about that too.
32
00:02:05,383 --> 00:02:08,400
Oh, did I love Bette
inFirst Wives Club.
33
00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,350
I really enjoyed that movie.
34
00:02:10,383 --> 00:02:14,250
I found a theater
that had real butter.
35
00:02:14,283 --> 00:02:18,330
Not just that BS canola oil.
36
00:02:24,416 --> 00:02:29,366
Was the divine Miss M.
in this house?
37
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:41,000
Was she here the day that
I miraculously found that
ticket
38
00:02:41,330 --> 00:02:44,483
forVictor Victoria
on the front stoop?
39
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,450
[GROANS]
40
00:02:47,483 --> 00:02:51,133
The auction's at 8.
Dress formal.
41
00:02:51,166 --> 00:02:54,000
But I wasn't lying
about the shrimp.
42
00:02:59,383 --> 00:03:02,233
♪♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
43
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:04,330
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪♪
44
00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:05,450
♪♪ in one of those
crushing scenes ♪♪
45
00:03:05,483 --> 00:03:07,416
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
46
00:03:07,450 --> 00:03:10,250
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
47
00:03:10,283 --> 00:03:13,166
♪♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing to the
Sheffield's door ♪♪
48
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,466
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪♪
49
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,500
♪♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there! ♪♪
50
00:03:18,830 --> 00:03:21,366
♪♪ That's how
she became the nanny! ♪♪
51
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,350
♪♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪♪
52
00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:26,450
♪♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
53
00:03:26,483 --> 00:03:28,250
♪♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling ♪♪
54
00:03:28,283 --> 00:03:30,000
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
55
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:31,133
♪♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪♪
56
00:03:31,166 --> 00:03:32,316
♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
57
00:03:32,350 --> 00:03:34,160
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
58
00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:37,466
♪♪ when everybody else
is wearing tan ♪♪
59
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,100
♪♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪♪
60
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:41,433
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
61
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,366
Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
62
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,830
I brought some of my stuff in
63
00:03:52,116 --> 00:03:54,830
that I wanna donate
to your auction.
64
00:03:54,116 --> 00:03:56,350
Now, I've got
myWhat's Happening
65
00:03:56,383 --> 00:04:00,500
The Raj thermos is
a little bit cracked
66
00:04:00,830 --> 00:04:03,483
but I don't really think
that
that will affect the value.
67
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,466
[CHUCKLES] Miss Fine, that--
That's very sweet of you
68
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:12,483
but, well, you see,
they're actually auctioning
off items like this.
69
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:17,233
- "Audrey Hepburn's Oscar,
$30,000.
- Ooh. Wow!
70
00:04:17,266 --> 00:04:20,316
Tennis match with Andre Agassi,
50,000."
71
00:04:20,350 --> 00:04:22,366
Oh, my. Well, I'm guessing
72
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,200
that my autographed
Donna PescowTV Guide
73
00:04:25,233 --> 00:04:28,316
won't bring in
anywhere near that.
74
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:33,283
Wait a minute.
75
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:36,330
What do you think
that they would pay
76
00:04:36,660 --> 00:04:38,216
for a wise,
responsible person
77
00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:41,160
to take care
of their children for a day?
78
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:44,216
- Oh, now,
that's a very good idea.
- Hmm.
79
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:48,830
You know, I might even bid on
that mys-- Oh, you mean you?
80
00:04:50,483 --> 00:04:53,250
Excuse me,
but what happened to the day
81
00:04:53,283 --> 00:04:57,333
when you actually tried
to hide your horror?
82
00:04:57,366 --> 00:05:02,000
Well, um, you see, um,
the thing is, I'm afraid
83
00:05:02,330 --> 00:05:04,383
that, um, you're so good
84
00:05:04,416 --> 00:05:11,400
that, um, someone might...
steal you away from me.
85
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:17,383
Now, was that so hard?
86
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:39,366
[YAWNS]
87
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,100
We should all pop a Tic Tac
88
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:44,116
because we're about
to sleep together.
89
00:05:45,266 --> 00:05:47,660
- Miss Fine.
- Yeah?
90
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:48,433
That is Tom's son
91
00:05:48,466 --> 00:05:52,466
who is playing so beautifully.
92
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,160
He's gonna be
a concert pianist someday.
93
00:05:56,183 --> 00:05:59,500
Oh, you know,
my Uncle Benny was a musician.
94
00:05:59,830 --> 00:06:02,500
Actually, it was his monkey
that was the musician.
95
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,000
But Benny made all the costumes.
96
00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:10,416
So, Max, I read the first
act
to your play
97
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:13,300
and I've been seriously
thinking
about investing the 5 million.
98
00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:15,500
It's quite good, isn't it?
99
00:06:15,830 --> 00:06:18,160
Dreadful. I've been looking
for a surefire tax
write-off.
100
00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:23,150
Well, Tom, look no further.
101
00:06:24,830 --> 00:06:25,483
Actually, I have act two
102
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,450
or should I say act phew.
103
00:06:29,483 --> 00:06:34,233
MAN:Ladies and gentlemen,
the New York Restoration
Project is proud to present
104
00:06:34,266 --> 00:06:37,283
your host and auctioneer
for the evening
105
00:06:37,316 --> 00:06:39,416
Miss Bette Midler!
106
00:06:39,450 --> 00:06:42,160
[APPLAUSE]
107
00:06:48,183 --> 00:06:52,316
Oh, hello, hello, Miss
Midler.
Oh, I just adore you.
108
00:06:52,350 --> 00:06:54,166
A fan, a fan.
109
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,450
Oh, and I adore your accent.
110
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:58,830
Oh, thanks.
I owe it all to Queens.
111
00:06:58,116 --> 00:07:01,100
- Same with me and my career.
- [LAUGHING]
112
00:07:03,316 --> 00:07:06,333
Oh, my mother and I love her
so much.
113
00:07:06,366 --> 00:07:10,283
All those outrageous outfits
and campy makeup.
114
00:07:10,316 --> 00:07:14,200
You can only get away
with that on stage.
115
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:18,300
Okay, let's crank
this auction into gear.
116
00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:21,133
What am I bid for
this gorgeous antique chest?
117
00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:23,433
Complete with
the original knobs?
118
00:07:23,466 --> 00:07:25,366
[LAUGHTER]
119
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,500
It's a joke.
Put your hand down, Rabbi.
120
00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:31,466
But seriously, folks
121
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:36,000
you know, we're not here
just to clean up the parks.
122
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,400
We're gonna get all the
trash out of this city.
123
00:07:38,433 --> 00:07:40,116
I did my part.
124
00:07:40,150 --> 00:07:42,333
I moved to L.A.
125
00:07:42,366 --> 00:07:44,830
[LAUGHTER]
126
00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:47,160
Time to start the bidding.
127
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:49,466
Let's get the cheap items
out of the way first.
128
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,330
Oh, good. That will give me
a chance to go to the
bathroom.
129
00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:54,183
Item number one: Fran Fine.
130
00:07:54,216 --> 00:07:55,483
Oh!
131
00:07:57,133 --> 00:08:00,216
- Oh, it's you.
- Oh, Miss Midler.
132
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:04,100
I'll tell you,
you are so awe-inspiring,
girl.
133
00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:08,183
I mean, to have a baby at 40,
I can't even imagine
what that must be like.
134
00:08:08,216 --> 00:08:12,333
Let me tell you.
[SCREAMS]
135
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,483
OK, Ladies and gentlemen,
here we have the services
136
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,450
of a professional child
caregiver for one day.
137
00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:19,466
And let's start
the bidding at
138
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:23,166
20 bucks.
139
00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:28,433
Do I hear 22.50?
140
00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:32,266
Twenty-five anyone?
141
00:08:34,150 --> 00:08:37,500
Girl, you are on fire.
142
00:08:38,416 --> 00:08:41,133
$1000!
143
00:08:42,660 --> 00:08:44,200
I saw that inGypsy.
144
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:47,116
Gypsy?
145
00:08:47,150 --> 00:08:49,400
Is there any other?
146
00:08:49,433 --> 00:08:53,383
I myself bid $2000.
147
00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:56,400
Okay, $3000.
148
00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:58,166
$4000.
149
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,100
Take it off, honey.
Show us some skin!
150
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:07,433
Sorry, sir. Just trying
to drive the bidding up.
151
00:09:07,466 --> 00:09:10,250
$5000?
152
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,483
Yes! All right.
153
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,000
Going once. Going twice.
154
00:09:15,330 --> 00:09:20,500
Sold to bidder number 550
for $5000. Okay.
155
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:22,233
Who the devil is number 550?
156
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:35,266
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
that I can't spend time with
you
157
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:39,366
but a little boy bid a lot of
money to spend the day with me.
158
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,333
Hey, I've got $5000.
159
00:09:41,366 --> 00:09:44,250
I'd pay that to have you
all to myself for a day.
160
00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:48,333
Oh, sweetie.
161
00:09:48,366 --> 00:09:51,200
Oh, no,
it wouldn't be right, no.
162
00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:53,000
Wouldn't be right.
163
00:09:53,330 --> 00:09:55,450
You know, if you hadn't
donated your services
164
00:09:55,483 --> 00:09:58,166
I wouldn't have been shamed
into donating mine.
165
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,183
Oh, big deal. It's one day.
You did a good deed
166
00:10:01,216 --> 00:10:03,433
- and you raised some money
for charity.
- Mm.
167
00:10:03,466 --> 00:10:07,333
Best 37 bucks I ever spent.
168
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:14,830
You can start by washing the
car
and changing the oil.
169
00:10:14,116 --> 00:10:15,216
You don't have a car.
170
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:17,283
I rented one.
171
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,660
Now, Miss Fine,
before Tom and his son get here
172
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:27,216
remember, we have a little
saying in the theater.
173
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,233
"Mess up with the investor
174
00:10:29,266 --> 00:10:32,133
move back in with your mother."
175
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:36,233
Well, I have a saying too.
176
00:10:36,266 --> 00:10:40,830
"Mess with the nanny, please."
177
00:10:42,283 --> 00:10:43,266
[DOORBELL RINGS]
178
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:46,500
Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.
179
00:10:46,830 --> 00:10:51,233
- Isn't that a cute saying?
- Yes, yes.
Very funny, Miss Fine.
180
00:10:51,266 --> 00:10:52,300
Thank you.
181
00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:55,483
Tom, Keith, do come in.
Welcome both of you.
182
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,216
Max, I read the second act.
183
00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:00,000
It's actually quite good.
184
00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:02,416
- Oh, we'll fix that.
- Okay.
185
00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:06,366
So, Tom, why don't you
go on ahead to the study
and I'll be right in.
186
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:11,830
See if we can't suck the funny
out of act two.
187
00:11:11,116 --> 00:11:13,233
Now, Miss Fine, remember,
the child is a gifted
pianist.
188
00:11:13,266 --> 00:11:16,250
Please make sure he
practices at least two hours
like his father asked.
189
00:11:16,283 --> 00:11:21,000
Sure, sure. But, you know, the
kid's got to have some fun too.
190
00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:24,366
Have you ever seen a lady
get her hair highlighted?
191
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:33,233
Keith, I just wanna thank you
for offering to play the piano
192
00:11:33,266 --> 00:11:36,250
- for my grandma's rest home.
- When did I do that?
193
00:11:36,283 --> 00:11:38,233
At the Clinique counter,
don't you remember?
194
00:11:38,266 --> 00:11:41,333
When we were getting
our eyebrows reshaped.
195
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,483
Hi, Yetti.
196
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:48,483
Where is everybody?
197
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,266
Exhausted.
198
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:56,216
Last night, the cable went out,
so we broke into the vitamin E.
199
00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:01,350
That dayroom was likeCaligula.
200
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:06,383
You see that thumb?
I lost it on Iwo Jima.
201
00:12:06,416 --> 00:12:08,316
That's my big toe
they put there.
202
00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:10,383
Couldn't tell, right?
203
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:15,416
Honey, go play
"Moonlight Sonata."
204
00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:18,383
And listen, don't be upset
if they're not impressed.
205
00:12:18,416 --> 00:12:23,133
Most of them heard Beethoven
do it himself.
206
00:12:23,166 --> 00:12:25,500
You're the entertainer
today, huh?
207
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:28,166
Play something with
a "Hava Nagila" beat. You know?
208
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:33,133
- [PLAYING CLASSICAL PIANO]
- I love that song.
209
00:12:33,166 --> 00:12:37,330
- ♪♪ Hello, Dolly
Well, hello, Dolly ♪♪
- [RYTHYM INCREASES]
210
00:12:37,660 --> 00:12:41,660
♪♪ It's so nice to have you
back Where you belong ♪♪
211
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:42,416
Big finish, everybody.
212
00:12:42,450 --> 00:12:44,350
♪♪ Dolly, don't go away ♪♪
213
00:12:44,383 --> 00:12:49,233
♪♪ Dolly don't ever go away
Dolly don't ever go away ♪♪
214
00:12:56,183 --> 00:12:58,466
Oh, oh, Keith, you know,
it's all right.
215
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,183
He-- He's gonna be all right.
216
00:13:01,216 --> 00:13:05,133
He's just taking a little break.
217
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,660
This sort of thing happens
all the time.
218
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,116
You just keep playing.
219
00:13:13,150 --> 00:13:14,366
I can't. I can't.
220
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,283
Sure you can. Sure you can.
221
00:13:16,316 --> 00:13:20,183
[LAUGHS] He's just resting.
222
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,316
Right, Yetta?
223
00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,216
Sure.
224
00:13:24,233 --> 00:13:27,416
Sweetheart, I'm next in line
225
00:13:27,450 --> 00:13:32,416
for that Italian guy's
corner room with the bidet.
226
00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:36,366
Can you play the tarantella?
227
00:13:43,330 --> 00:13:45,160
[GROANS]
228
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:49,150
I just spent four hours
putting together a gazebo
for Miss Babcock's terrace.
229
00:13:49,183 --> 00:13:51,100
Miss Babcock doesn't have
a terrace.
230
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,160
Now we both know.
231
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,450
Chop-chop.
I need to hem my aunt's dress.
232
00:13:57,483 --> 00:14:00,133
Since when do you sew?
233
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:03,300
Since I spent $37 on a dummy.
234
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:09,316
- [PLAYING PIANO OFFKEY]
- Come on, play!
235
00:14:09,350 --> 00:14:13,183
Play! Play!
236
00:14:15,233 --> 00:14:17,183
I can't. I can't.
237
00:14:17,216 --> 00:14:20,250
I told you,
I don't ever wanna play again.
238
00:14:20,283 --> 00:14:26,183
Maybe a nice piece
of cheesecake would induce
a little "Muskrat Love?"
239
00:14:28,216 --> 00:14:30,383
I can't eat when I'm upset.
240
00:14:30,416 --> 00:14:33,433
Oh, that's right.
Your mother's a Gentile.
241
00:14:37,450 --> 00:14:44,133
Maybe if you played at our
home,
it'd snap you out of it.
242
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:45,316
No. Wait.
243
00:14:45,350 --> 00:14:48,133
They don't want piano players.
244
00:14:48,166 --> 00:14:51,366
Some kid just killed a guy.
245
00:14:57,383 --> 00:15:02,266
Val, if he's this
traumatized
by seeing an old man die
246
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:06,116
what's he gonna do when
he sees Mr. Sheffield
tear me apart?
247
00:15:06,150 --> 00:15:08,383
- He's gonna turn into Tommy.
- [SIGHS]
248
00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:12,166
I know what he's going through.
249
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,166
I saw my grandfather die
after his lung machine
suddenly stopped.
250
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,000
Oh, it was so sad.
251
00:15:18,330 --> 00:15:20,183
Because I brought him a tape
of our glee club
252
00:15:20,216 --> 00:15:23,266
and just when I found a place
to plug it in...
253
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:30,483
he went.
254
00:15:36,830 --> 00:15:38,216
Val!
255
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:41,166
I didn't know you had a tape
of our glee club.
256
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,400
Yeah.
257
00:15:44,383 --> 00:15:48,416
You know, Fran, maybe
Keith's father won't be
that upset.
258
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:52,330
My parents were fine
when I gave up my musical career
259
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,133
after seven years of lessons.
260
00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:57,183
Yeah, but, Val, you knew
you were never gonna be great
261
00:15:57,216 --> 00:16:00,330
at playing the triangle.
262
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:07,250
His father is just gonna
freak.
And how long can I stall
263
00:16:07,283 --> 00:16:10,283
before Mr. Sheffield
is gonna find out?
264
00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:13,183
[MR. SHEFFIELD]
Miss Fine!
265
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,416
There goes seeing
The English Patient.
266
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,330
Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield
267
00:16:23,660 --> 00:16:26,150
just because I've deprived
the world of the next
Victor Borge
268
00:16:26,183 --> 00:16:29,660
does not mean that
his father is gonna take out
269
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,233
the $5 million from your show?
270
00:16:33,116 --> 00:16:36,300
Miss Fine, I was just
calling to see if you
took my Wite-Out again
271
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:39,350
for your French tips.
You what?
272
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:43,333
What have you done to Tom's son?
273
00:16:43,366 --> 00:16:46,250
Well, I took him to Yetta's home
274
00:16:46,283 --> 00:16:51,216
and a man with a toe on his
thumb died in front of him.
275
00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:56,166
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I can't believe this.
276
00:16:56,200 --> 00:17:00,383
Well, neither can I until
I shook hands with a bunion.
277
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:06,500
Look, Mr. Sheffield,
even if the worst happens
278
00:17:06,830 --> 00:17:09,216
you'll get another investor
for your show.
279
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:14,250
Not after I spent a week taking
the story and jokes out of it!
280
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:18,183
Let's just hope Bette
Midler's
charity's smart enough
to cash that check fast.
281
00:17:18,216 --> 00:17:20,433
Well, look, he's not going
to take it out
282
00:17:20,466 --> 00:17:23,150
on the whole
show business community
283
00:17:23,183 --> 00:17:26,660
just because I made
one itty, bitty mistake.
284
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:30,100
Don't bet the kibbutz,bubbe.
285
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:34,500
The kid called his father
and now he's pulling all
his money out of my charity!
286
00:17:34,830 --> 00:17:37,660
Oh, that littlepisher
must have called him
287
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,450
when I took him
to Bloomingdales.
288
00:17:38,483 --> 00:17:41,200
You went to Bloomingdales
after someone had died?
289
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:44,166
Well, it always makes me
feel better.
290
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:49,466
Oh, Miss Midler,
I-- I'm so sorry.
291
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,116
I-- I usually never
make mistakes like this.
292
00:17:53,150 --> 00:17:55,400
Ignore his shocked expression.
293
00:17:58,150 --> 00:18:00,300
Listen, I'll do anything
to make it up to.
294
00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,283
Just tell me what I should do.
295
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,333
Start running.
296
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:22,483
Oh, Miss Midler.
297
00:18:24,383 --> 00:18:27,200
I'm one of your biggest fans.
298
00:18:27,233 --> 00:18:28,350
That's a shocker.
299
00:18:33,333 --> 00:18:35,116
[GRUNTING]
300
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,433
Stop hitting me with that purse!
301
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:46,183
- Now, what's wrong
with this picture?
- I give up.
302
00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:49,316
We're Jewish, we're running,
and there's macaroons
over there.
303
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,450
Are they fresh?
304
00:18:52,483 --> 00:18:55,216
- Who cares?
- Who cares?
305
00:18:57,330 --> 00:18:59,316
BOTH: Mmm!
306
00:18:59,350 --> 00:19:02,366
[CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING]
307
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:12,166
Miss Fine?
Miss Fine, how did you do
this?
308
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,283
It's not important how.
309
00:19:14,316 --> 00:19:16,416
What's important is it was done.
310
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:20,366
How was it done?
311
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,350
I think I've learned a thing or
two from somebody around here.
312
00:19:30,316 --> 00:19:32,483
- It was me.
- It was me.
313
00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:40,266
Okay, Ringo,
are we back in the saddle,
babe?
314
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,000
Well, it seems that way.
315
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:45,160
You get your parks cleaned,
I get to do my show.
316
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,466
Now, I just have to persuade
Tom the third act is worse
317
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,400
than the first two.
318
00:19:50,433 --> 00:19:54,200
Oh, if push comes to shove,
you'll just cast it really
bad.
319
00:19:54,233 --> 00:19:57,160
And there's your
leading lady now.
320
00:20:08,216 --> 00:20:09,483
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
321
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,183
It's my gift to you.
322
00:20:12,216 --> 00:20:15,366
Well, just finish out
the hour and send him home.
323
00:20:17,233 --> 00:20:19,350
Oh, you're welcome.
324
00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:22,216
[DEVIOUS LAUGH]
325
00:20:30,283 --> 00:20:33,330
Oh, Niles.
326
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:38,116
All those years of
kneading dough really paid
off.
327
00:20:41,383 --> 00:20:43,000
You know what?
328
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:46,216
Let's lose the sheet.
I'm not shy.
329
00:20:55,116 --> 00:20:59,830
How much longer
do we have to go?
330
00:20:59,116 --> 00:21:00,483
MORTY: Fifteen minutes.
331
00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:10,830
How can that be, Morty?
You said that 15 minutes ago.
332
00:21:10,116 --> 00:21:12,266
I'm going by the VCR clock.
333
00:21:17,116 --> 00:21:19,400
You have five minutes to go.
334
00:21:19,433 --> 00:21:21,300
Five minutes?
335
00:21:21,333 --> 00:21:25,200
Then let's take it all off.
I'm not embarrassed.
336
00:21:45,433 --> 00:21:48,160
[♪♪♪]