"According to Vacationing Single,
the ratio of men to women in Alaska is 50 to one."
And the nights are six months long.
What does that mean? On Saturday nights I could sit in my igloo
watchingDr. Quinn for what, 3,000 times?
I think Mr. Sheffield would really like you to come with him
when he takes the children to Hawaii.
Oh, you know, it's always the same thing,
dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches,
then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.
Since when?
Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.
Oh, Ms. Fine, what would you think about a five mile hike up a mountain in Maui
and then a helicopter ride over an active volcano?
Throw in a barium enema and I'm there.
Ms. Fine, how do you propose to pay for your trip to Alaska
when you told me to lock all your credit cards up in the safe?
I'm sorry. I tuned out after you said "propose."
I'm not giving your cards back. You made me promise.
Fine, I'll just call them and I'll tell them that I lost my cards
and then they'll have to send me new ones.
Ah, yes. But then to prove who you are, you'll have to give them
your full name and your date of birth.
Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you?
I lied on the application, too.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪♪♪
Franny, you should go to Hawaii.
- Oh? - The last time I was there,
they had this fantastic air show.
The sky was full of planes, and the fireworks.
Whoo!
Did that happen to take place in December, 1941?
Yeah.
I remember the whole shebang was for Hanukkah.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, it's Val.
- Hi, Val. - Hi.
- What's the matter? - Oh, my God, Fran,
you're not watching The Young and the Restless?
Oh, relax. I'm taping it.
You know, I like to watch Jack Abbott doing a love scene
while I'm eating a pizza.
That way Jack and I can finish at the same time.
- You gotta watch it now. - Why?
Jack Abbott's doing a love scene with a certain tramp from high school.
- [MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] - [GASPS]
Heather Biblow?
What? There weren't enough guys left in Queens
she's got to start sleeping with fictional characters?
Yeah. And not only is she making tons of money,
but she has an unbelievable beach house in Malibu.
- Oh my God, how do you know this? - Oh, how.
- Well, she sent me a letter. - [GASPS]
"Not only am I making tons of money,
but I have an unbelievable beach house in Malibu."
Why does she get all the breaks? She gets my fiancé, my job.
Now she's on my favorite soap opera.
I hate that back-stabbing lowlife.
And she's offering to fly us to Hollywood.
And yet there is something endearing about her.
[♪♪♪]
You girls want Haagen-Dazs bars?
- Oh, sure. - Yeah.
Thanks.
BOTH: Mmm!
- Aren't you having any? - [GASPS]
I've gotta watch my figure. I can't let myself go.
You know, it's so sweet of you girls to still be my friends
with me having all this and you having nothing.
[CHUCKLING]
Now, Heather, you're the sweet one
flying us out here first class just to rub it in our faces.
ALL: Aww!
Now you're gonna have to entertain yourselves this evening
because I have a lot of lines to memorize.
Oh, well, maybe we can help you with that.
- How many lines have you got? - Four.
In a row?
No. That's the confusing part.
First, I say something, then he says something
and then I say something again. Oh!
What a nightmare.
Um-- [CLEARS THROAT]
Let me ask you something, Heather.
Who did you have to-- I mean, what did you have to do to get this part?
Nothing. This cute guy came down to me at the beach
and he asked me "Hey, do you wanna be in television?"
I thought he was BS-ing me. I thought he wanted to get me in the sack.
- Yeah. - Mm-hm. So I gave him my number.
It turns out that he's legit.
I can't tell you how disappointed I was.
Oh...
[MOUTHING]
[♪♪♪]
I still don't understand
why Ms. Fine would pass up a trip to Hawaii.
Four-star hotel, private beach.
Sharing a room with Ms. Grace.
Oh!
Is that what the problem is?
She doesn't like Gracie?
Well, I'm gonna have to have a word with that young lady.
Oh, God, is there a bigger buffoon in this world?
Got here as fast as I could.
I am appalled that Nanny Fine
would leave Maxwell in the lurch like this.
Luckily, I am available.
I was supposed to go to Scottsdale to visit my grandmother.
But, you know, as long as they keep that plug in, where's she going?
Well, I suggested you, but Mr. Sheffield wanted someone
easier to look at in a bikini.
Aloha.
The hotel has the private beach.
Look what I'm gonna wear.
That's it.
[♪♪♪]
Hello, ladies. May I help you?
Val! You're Larry fromThree's Company.
- What? - That can't be him. Larry's much younger.
I just saw the show yesterday.
Val, this is why you lost atWheel of Fortune
withLawrence of Aruba...
So, what happened, Larry? You were a huge TV star.
What are you, Diane freaking Sawyer?
Now, just tell me who do you wanna see?
Heather Biblow of TheYoung and the Restless.
Through the artists entrance, make a right
check in at reception with Erin Moran.
Erin Moran, too? My God, they're here today, gone tomorrow.
That's a reason not to become a sitcom star.
I can't talk now. I'm with the president of the network.
Mr. Moonves, they wanna schedule another casting session.
Why? They keep sending me the same people.
I just want a fresh face.
All she has to do is walk and talk.
- She's cute. How about her? - Oh, what about me?
- [LAUGHS] - Keep looking.
Oh.
Oh, Joanie Cunningham said that The Young and the Restless
was somewhere right around here.
Oh, my God! Taylor and Maggie fromThe Bold and the Beautiful.
We must be getting close. Hi, Taylor. Hi, Maggie.
- Hi. - Hi.
You guys must be playing the hookers, right?
- Uh... - Oh, yeah, that's right.
- Great costumes. - Yeah. Thanks.
[BOTH GASPING]
Oh, Jeanne Cooper. Jeanne Cooper.
Oh, my God, we must be at ground zero.
My mother is such a huge fan of yours.
Oh, thank you. That's very sweet.
You know, when you had your actual face lift televised
she was nauseous for weeks.
- She lost 14 pounds. - Yeah.
-[SHRIEKING] -It's Malcolm!
- Tell him. Tell him. - He's got his shirt on.
Hello. Hi. I'm Fran Fine fromSoap Opera Digest.
Malcolm, would you mind taking a picture with your shirt off?
No problem, ladies. But come on now, admit it.
You guys are not from Soap Opera Digest.
Then how come you're taking your shirt off?
- What'd you do? - [GASPS]
Give him a quarter?
[LAUGHS] Get outta here.
Oh, it's Nicholas, it's Nicholas. Take a picture.
- Take a picture of Nicholas. - But it's from the back.
Oh, that's his best side, honey.
Ahh!
Oh, so many celebrities. Can you believe this?
This hallway's better than the lido deck on the Love Boat.
- Oh, Nikki! Nikki! - Oh, Nikki!
Oh, my God, Nikki, we love you so much.
You are such an inspiration for me.
- She started out a stripper. - I know!
And ended up marrying the wealthiest man in the town.
- Oh, you are a role model for me! - Oh, well, thank you.
You know, you're not the first stripper to tell me that.
[LAUGHS] First they think I'm a hooker, now I'm a stripper.
- I better get this dress in every color. - Yeah.
Oh! This is so exciting.
It's better than Gabe Kaplan ringing us up at the commissary.
I know!
[BOTH SHRIEK]
Oh, my God.
Oh, Val, this is it. We're here.
The Young and the Restless.
[HUMMING "THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS THEME MUSIC]
- Excuse me. Excuse me. - Oh!
Would you mind waiting over by the food table?
Sure, honey. We aim to please.
Oh, my God, oh, my God. Jack Abbott.
Heather's gonna do a love scene with Jack Abbott.
[SHRIEKS]
WOMAN: Action.
Shantal, we can't.
If Victor finds out, he'll kill both of us.
- It's my turn to talk, right? - WOMAN: Cut.
Well, at least I knew it was my turn.
We'll just start over one more time,
right from the beginning. Okay?
Action!
Oh, Jack, I don't think we should have gotten on this plane.
Are we on a plane?
We were on a plane yesterday, remember?
We sat in first class and you said "I can't ride this horse."
Here. Let's take a five.
Heather, for you, that's a whole hand.
You were really good.
- Oh, you're just saying that. - No. Amazingly, she's not.
Heather, you know, we can help you learn your lines.
Yeah. Fran's great.
She helped me memorize my license plate.
That's right.
One, one, one...
V...
A...
L! Val!
[SIGHS]
Fran, are you sure you can help me?
What's your first line?
Either she goes or I go.
But Peter, who on earth are we gonna find
who can take her place on such short notice?
FRAN: "Oh, Jack, I don't give a damn about Victor.
I love you."
That girl.
Ms. Fine, you're telling me that you've taken a job on a soap
and you're not coming home?
Well, of course I'm shocked. They gave you a speaking part?
Ms. Fine, does this mean you're never coming back?
[ECHOING]Never coming back...
Never coming back... Never coming back...
Good morning, Maxwell.
Morning, Mrs. Sheffield.
Oh, of course I'll tell Mr. Sheffield. I expect him any moment.
Goodbye.
Nanny Fine's never coming back.
Aloha, we're home! Ms. Fine!
Hey, Fran?
Where's Fran? We got her all these presents.
Oh, I can't wait to show her this skimpy little bikini I got...
...her.
Oh, the children missed her terribly.
So where is Ms. Fine? I've got all these things to show her.
[CRIES]
C.C., what's the matter?
I am just so happy!
Oh, sir, how can I break this to you?
Ms. Fine has taken a job on a soap opera and she's not coming home.
What? A speaking part?
[♪♪♪]
Furnishings are so gorgeous.
- Did you pick out these? - Mm-hm.
You know, I just feel so awful about taking your job, Heather.
I mean, it's breaking my heart.
What kind of a lease do you have on this place?
I mean, you can't afford it. Maybe I'll take it off your hands.
Oh, Fran, you're the best friend a girl could have.
Well, I'm only thinking about you, Heather.
White wine on these carpets.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Yes, she is. Hold on one moment.
It's for you. Mr. Sheffield's on the phone.
- [GASPS] - Ooh.
He needs to speak to you right away.
Oh, boy, it's Mr. Sheffield.
He is so lost without me.
This is gonna be totally pathetic.
Let me put him on speaker.
Hello, Mr. Sheffield.
MAXWELL:Ms. Fine
Niles tells me that you're staying in California
to pursue an acting career.
That's right.
Ah, well, I want you to know
the house already feels very empty without you.
Aww...
Ms. Fine, I realize I can't persuade you to come back as the nanny
so I'd like to propose...
Oh!
[MOUTHING]
...that perhaps Ms. Biblow would like to come back as your old job?
[GASPING]
Heather and Mr. Sheffield?
What do you say, Ms. Biblow?
I do!
[♪♪♪]
Well, I spent all morning at the employment agency.
But I think I finally found Maxwell the perfect nanny.
You know, there are a lot of stairs here. We might need to build a ramp.
Mr. Sheffield already hired someone.
Ms. Fine recommended her.
Oh, fabulous. Someone from Rent-a-Yenta?
Guess again.
Cheese.
Ms. Babcock, Nanny Biblow.
Niles? Niles, I'm expecting a call
from Bill towel-- Powell.
Um...
- Hi, Mr. Sheffield. - Hello.
And let me know when Ms. Babcock gets here, would you?
So, what would you like me to do?
Oh, as far as I'm concerned, your work here is done.
- So did Ms. Fine call? - No, not yet, sir. You miss her?
Of course I bloody miss her.
And I'm not sure about Ms. Biblow working here.
Just who exactly is this plan of yours supposed to benefit?
Nanny Biblow, I'm home!
Oh, this is so exciting.
I am an assistant to a genuine soap opera star.
[SIGHS] Yeah.
Oh, what's the matter, boss?
Oh, Val, I'm just picturing Heather in that house,
parading around in front of Mr. Sheffield,
and I'm thinking this cannot be good.
- Places, everyone. Fran. - Oh, okay. It's my turn.
I'd like to have you on the sofa here with Peter.
Okay. Now, start right at the top. Ready?
Here we go. And action!
Oh, Jack, I have wanted you since the first day I arrived in Genoa City.
Shantal, I am so glad you came into my life.
You've made me completely forget about the four years I wasted on Nan.
Huh?
Cut!
- Cut. - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Dear, if you can't remember your lines,
the next one you're gonna hear will be
"Doctor, how much time does she have?"
I get it.
- Okay. Here we go. - Sorry.
- Once more. - Sorry.
Action!
Oh, Jack, I keep thinking about you and...
Heather sitting on Mr. Sheffield's desk.
- I just-- - Who?
- Cut.
- Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. - Fran.
- Oh, I know. - You're making up words again, dear.
I know. I'm sorry. I just-- I have these personal problems.
Oh, well, maybe you just need a little lunch.
Would you like some chicken or some fish?
Yeah. Okay. I'll do a little chicken.
All right.
Order her the chicken meal
- on American flight 426. - [GASPING]
[♪♪♪]
I'll go get the bags, boss.
Val...
We're in New York. You don't have to keep calling me boss.
Just go get the bags.
Can you tell me when the next flight for Los Angeles leaves?
Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?
Ah, ha. Ms. Fine, um...
Well, Niles told me you were returning from Los Angeles
so I thought I'd come and pick you up.
Oh, that's very sweet,
but I didn't tell Niles that I was coming home.
- Your mother? - Nope.
Val sent a fax?
She can't even figure out
why the cast ofCops changing every week.
Oh, all right, Ms. Fine.
I-I was coming to Los Angeles to bring you home.
Oh...
So, what are you doing here?
What happened to your part on the soap?
Oh, acting isn't for me.
You know, they drive you nuts. You do a breakfast scene,
you gotta be in there with all that hair
and make-up in a bathrobe. It's so unrealistic.
- You were fired? - Yeah.
The southwest chicken on American Airlines
was restaurant quality, I gotta say.
- Did everyone miss me? - Oh, very, very much.
One person in particular.
Don't you ever leave me again!
Oh, Fran, we're so happy to have you back.
Heather could never fill your shoes.
She tried on my shoes?
No. Just my dress. She broke it.
Well, I'm just so happy
that everyone is so glad that I'm back.
[SOBBING]
Why?!
[♪♪♪]