Well, I found my gift for Yetta's bridal shower.
-Aw. -I got herThe Kama Sutra, big print edition.
[chuckles] Niles, she's an elderly woman.
Meanwhile, with her new bionic hips,
and this page 89 is like a walk in the park.
What did you get your grandmother?
Oh, I can't afford to get anything.
I don't know where all my money goes.
Watch it.
You're gonna spill on my new Gucci bag.
Oh, Ms. Fine. Oh, that is a lovely outfit you're wearing.
Oh, you like? I just bought it.
You're in a good mood this morning.
Well, why should I be depressed
just because a woman three times my age
is getting married before me?
Oh, mazel tov. You're getting married.
Why on earth is Yetta getting married at her age?
I was wondering that myself.
I guess it's because somebody asked her.
Yes, well, she waited a long time
before rushing into a second marriage
and that's a very wise thing.
Nanny Fine,
have you, uh, seen this month's issue ofPark Place
Oh, who cares?
It's always some horsey-looking debutante
clutching her blue-blood fiancé.
Oh, Ms. Babcock, it's you and Chester.
They did a spread on wealthy heiresses and their dogs.
Oh, look at this.
I didn't know that you walked Chester in Central Park.
Oh, not me. Lupe.
That is, till she up and died on me.
Besides, who's gonna bust me? The mutt? [laughs]
[growls]
You know, Ms. Babcock, with all your dough
you really should find a place to hide that money
before the government gets it.
How about right here?
Oh, well, Nanny Fine, if you're strapped for cash,
I have a job that would utilize your unique talents.
-Oh? -You know how to use a pooper-scooper, don't you?
Are you suggesting that I be your dog-walker?
I'll pay you $10 an hour.
Please. Do you know what I get paid to watch three children?
Half that. When do I start?
♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Til her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became ♪
♪ The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪
Ma, why did you book Harry's Clam Bar
when Daddy's Elk Lodge would've been so much better for Yetta's shower?
Honey, Daddy is not an Elk anymore.
Sylvia, you told my mother he was no longer a stallion.
How many clubs does he belong to?
What's Yetta's fiancé like, anyway? I never even met him.
What's to meet? He's one of the alter cockers at the home.
What's an alter cocker?
Well, literally, it means, old Cock... er Spaniel.
A very affectionate term.
Okay, here's my shower plan.
Look who's planning her own shower.
Yesterday, you wore your underpants as a beret.
I don't have to take that from you.
I'm not even sure you're mine.
Ms. Fine, Ms. Fine, what seems to be the problem here?
What problem? It's just three generations of fine women
planning a shower.
Oh, yes, that's right.
I hear you've already booked Harry's Clam Bar.
What a pity. Could have had it here.
[all] Okay.
-Nanny Fine? -Yeah?
Chester just ate his kibble and now he needs to go number two.
Already?
Boy, I should have some of that kibble for breakfast.
-Here, Frannie. -What?
I won a whole case of chocolate ex-lax playing bingo.
That's a prize?
I guess when you're a senior,
taking ex-lax is like taking ecstasy.
Fran, this park is a great place to scope out guys.
Oh, well, you know, honey, your father and I are sort of an item.
He's just waiting until the time is right.
A-ha! And that pony Daddy promised me?
-Yeah? -Glue.
All right. And we're off.
-How's my lipstick? Good? -Mmm-hmm.
-Hair big enough? -Blocking the sun.
Perfect. Look sharp. There's a live one.
Excuse me, miss.
I just had to come over and tell you,
you have the most beautiful mother I've seen.
[chuckles] Oh, well, she's not my mother.
-She's my sister. -[giggles]
No, I'm her nanny.
-I'm Brian. -Oh, hi, Brian.
-I'm Fran. -Hi.
-And this is Gracie. -Hi.
And this is Chester.
Oh, you look like you could breed some champions.
Well, all us Fine women are pretty fertile.
Oh, you meant the dog. [laughing]
Yeah, my dog's around here somewhere.
A Dalmatian. Her name's Dot.
Oh, Dot. That's cute.
Oh, she's over there.
She loves running around the park with all the other dogs.
Oh, doesn't that look fun, Chester?
Here, why don't you go network. I'll get your collar.
There you go.
Good boy. Go.
[Fran] Play. Good boy.
Oh, Chester, stop it. Stop that. Don't do that.
Oh, how embarrassing.
If I could do what he's doing, I'd never leave the house.
Oh, that Chester's a lucky boy.
He gets to go home with the world's cutest nanny.
Oh, well, your day may come.
Oh, where's Chester?
-Chester! Chester! -Chester! Chester!
Where is he? I don't see him.
You look over there. I'll check over there by the phone.
-Chester! Chester! -Chester! Chester!
Fran, he's gone.
-Chester! -Chester!
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
Oh, Gracie.
You lost Chester.
Oh, there, there, Ms. Fine. It's all right.
We'll find him.
Oh, it's not like you lost one of the children.
Gracie!
I'm here, Fran.
Oh, Gracie.
I just called the police precinct.
They're sending over Jeff.
-Oh, good. -Jeff?
Ex-boyfriend, has his own handcuffs,
looks like a younger version of you.
Well, I really don't see any reason to involve the police right now.
I mean, Ms. Babcock should just call the pound first.
Oh, Ms. Babcock.
How am I gonna tell her? She's gonna be devastated.
She slept with Chester every night.
Well, on the up side, she won't be so cramped in that little basket.
Oh, Ms. Babcock.
I have something to tell you
that is gonna be very hard for you to take.
You asked her to marry you, you scum?
-Ten years of my life I have-- -No, no. C.C.
C.C., C.C., Ms. Fine lost Chester in Central Park.
[sighs deeply]
You scared the hell out of me.
[doorbell rings]
Oh! Ms. Fine, Ace Ventura's here.
-Hello, Maxwell. -Yeah.
Bob's gonna tap into your phone, so we can run a trace.
Oh, you're running a phone trace?
We've been having a series of Central Park dognappings.
Yeah, we think they staked out Chester
since he was on the cover of the magazine.
They?
Yes, well, we believe the perps are a husband-and-wife team.
[sighs] My perp's not single?
Oh, Jeff, I can't believe Chester was kidnapped.
I'm so happy you're here.
Well, have you been working out? You're like a rock.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Let's-- Let's not forget the urgency of a missing dog here, please.
-[telephone ringing] -[sighs]
Fran, answer. That could be him.
Oh, my.
I don't want you to be nervous.
I'm gonna guide you through this, okay?
She knows how to talk into a bloody telephone.
Now, see if you recognize the voice. Okay?
All right.
Hello?
[sighs] I do. It's Ma.
Hi, Ma.
Oh, hold on one minute. I'm getting a call waiting.
Hello? [gasps]
Now, you listen, and you listen good.
If you ever wanna see Chester alive again--
Okay. I'll hold. She has to hang up with her mother.
Arianna, shut that window. I'm trying to demand a ransom here.
You just wanna flirt with the nanny.
You flirt with all dog owners. Even men.
One time. It got you a big screen TV. Let it go.
Hello? Uh-huh-- Oh... Now I lost my place.
-[barks] -[scoffs]
Yeah. Yeah, you tell C.C. Babcock I want $20,000.
And if she tries to involve the police, or the media,
I'm sending her dog back to her one paw at a time, huh?
Please, I can't take that horrible sound!
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
But this happens to be my natural voice.
Oh, Val, he said he wants $20,000 or Chester gets it.
Would you give me that?
Me and that mutt are supposed to shoot the cover ofRedbook
Hello, mister.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told
my poverty-stricken uncle who needed an operation.
Nobody squeezes a dime out of C.C. Babcock.
I am addressing the man who stole my dog.
Here is your $20,000.
Only I'm offering this as a reward to whomever turns you in.
You have 24 hours to bring me back my little...
-[man]Pomeranian. -Pomeranian.
Otherwise, anywhere you go
you're gonna have to ask yourself,
"Is this the day they get me?"
-Val, let's go get our coats. -Why?
Because we're gonna get that kidnapper ourselves.
How? We don't even know where he is.
When I talked to him on the phone,
I heard an ice cream truck in the background
that was playing "The Way We Were."
So?
So where in New York
does an ice cream truck play a Barbra Streisand ballad?
-Greenwich Village. -Greenwich Village.
We are going to rescue Chester and collect that 20 grand.
So if I help you, we'll split it 50-50?
-60-40. -Hey, why 60-40?
Well, I'm the one that lost him, Val.
[Fran] Val, that's a recess bell.
I heard that bell over the phone.
Pull over by that school.
Fran, I am so impressed with how you used your charms
to borrow this ice cream truck.
Yeah, I know. But I'll you, I'm not looking forward
to dating a guy who's made his career out of being known as Mister Softee.
That Babcock chick turned the tables on us.
All right? She's offered a reward to whoever turns me in.
-How much is she offering? -Twenty thou--
What do you care?
Don't get so hysterical.
On the news, they said they were looking
for someone who looks like Art Garfunkel.
Can't believe it. The whole city's after me.
I can't even walk outside. I could get killed.
[ice cream truck playing music]
Oh, baby, please, will you get me an ice cream?
Are you listening to me? They could gun me down!
Baby, I'm so hot.
I could use a Nutty Buddy.
Hello, may I help you?
Yeah, let me have a Dreamsicle and a Nutty Buddy.
-And make it quick. -Okay.
Now, they're a dollar each, so that would be...
Thank you.
Val. Val. Val.
That's the guy that stole Chester. That's him.
Oh, my God.
Art Garfunkel has to steal a dog?
How do we know which apartment he went into?
[dog barking]
I can't think with that dog barking.
Yeah, blame it on the dog, Val.
Get down on all fours. Come on.
Fran, I know you miss walking Chester, but I'm not--
Val, I wanna look in the window.
[sighs] Oh!
Oh, I see. I see Chester.
What do you want?
Well, if my friend sells one more magazine subscription,
she gets to go to that special camp.
Oh, I miss my little Chester.
You know, I used to let him sleep with me.
Let him? Who do you think taught him to beg?
-That's our guy. -Okay. Pick it up.
-Come on. -Okay.
This is C.C. Babcock.
[Brian] Well, you were so willing to risk your dog's life,
what would you say if I told you that I had Fran Fine?
Well, it would go something like this.
Whoo-hoo!
C.C., for God's sakes.
Listen, this is Maxwell Sheffield.
Now, don't hurt her.
I'll give you anything you want.
Uh-- Wait a minute.
I never thought I'd say this but I want to hear Ms. Fine's voice.
Your boss is on the phone.
Mister Softee?
-Ms. Fine, can you hear me? -Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
-Help-- -All right, that's enough.
Now, you listen carefully, Sheffield.
You have 30 minutes. Here are your instructions.
Put 40 grand in a paper bag
and go to the bowling alley on University and 12th.
At the bowling alley, rent shoes and a bowling bag.
Put the money in the bag and put on the shoes.
Go to Lane 7 where the Jenny Craig League is bowling.
There will be a note under the first chair.
That note has a map to a YMCA.
Go to the swimming pool.
At the bottom of the pool
there's a key to a locker with a cell phone in it.
At exactly five o'clock,
I'll be calling to tell you where we'll make the exchange.
Damn. We lost him. He wouldn't have actually jumped into the pool
wearing a tracking device, would he?
[kids] Yeah, he would.
Well, he's on his own now.
[mobile phone ringing]
-Hello? -You did very well.
Yes, well, considering I forgot to write anything down.
Now give me back my nanny!
Hey, I'm giving the orders here.
Now walk one block west to the Chinese restaurant.
Hand the money to the woman in the black hat.
And then you can have your friends.
Mrs. Levine, you're gonna be rolling in cash.
-[gasps] -[chuckles]
Levine?
Oh, I'll tell you, Val, when Jews go bad.
What are you doing?
I was reaching for some chocolates.
Oh, chocolate. I love chocolate.
I've got some delicious chocolates that my grandma gave me
that she won playing bingo.
You want some?
Where I come from, chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
Oh, you come from Flushing.
-You got-- You got any more? -Sure. Here.
Help yourself.
You know what? I would like some.
No, Val.
All of a sudden, they're your friends?
Who are you, Patty Hearst?
Okay. Oh, okay.
Arianna's walking toward your boss.
She's running toward your boss.
She's running past your boss without taking the money
and pulling a construction worker out of a Porta-Potty?
I better go see what she's--
Oh! [groans]
I'm gonna go take care of--
What happened? Why did he run away?
Well, you know, Val, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
-[Val] Mr. Sheffield! Help! -[Fran] Help! Help us!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, are you all right?
You're my hero.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you know, in Israel,
there's ancient custom that says when a man saves a woman's life,
she must stand by his side forever
in a professionally decorated, mock-Tudor house
on a large corner lot in Great Neck.
Yes, but we don't live in Israel.
I know.
Want a piece of chocolate?
Yetta, before I go to the market,
what would you like for your shower?
Some of those rubber daisies for the bottom of the tub.
And one of those detachable water massages.
They're fun.
Actually, I meant for your wedding shower.
And, yes, they are.
[theme music playing]
[theme music ends]