1 00:00:02,483 --> 00:00:04,283 Well, it's been five days 2 00:00:04,316 --> 00:00:07,383 and I haven't lost a single pound on this damn liquid diet. 3 00:00:07,416 --> 00:00:09,250 Maybe because it's gin. 4 00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,483 [mouthing] 5 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,500 Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that and stay so thin? 6 00:00:17,830 --> 00:00:18,466 I have a very fast metabolism. 7 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,433 Every time I think about how old I am 8 00:00:20,466 --> 00:00:23,250 and the fact that I'm still single, my heart starts racing. 9 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,216 Niles, were you listening in on the terrace 10 00:00:26,250 --> 00:00:28,500 when I had my meeting with that accountant? 11 00:00:28,830 --> 00:00:30,000 I most certainly was not. 12 00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:31,466 Good, 'cause I just had the French doors painted. 13 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,433 Oh, well, I'll warn the children. 14 00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:39,366 Good god, man. 15 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:43,216 Is it so bloody important for you to know how much I'm worth? 16 00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:46,266 Niles, you have paint on you. 17 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,400 [chuckling] So do you. 18 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,216 [phone ringing] 19 00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:56,416 Sir, I wasn't snooping. I was cleaning. 20 00:00:56,450 --> 00:01:00,000 Honestly, keeping this house in order is a round-the-clock job. 21 00:01:00,330 --> 00:01:02,116 I hardly have time to skulk about. 22 00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:04,400 Niles, it's the Spy Shop. Your night vision goggles are in. 23 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,150 Let that be the last time I catch you snooping. 24 00:01:10,183 --> 00:01:13,160 And tomorrow, I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom. 25 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:14,383 Oh, sir, not the lifeline. 26 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,333 Honestly, if I were Mrs.Sheffield, 27 00:01:18,366 --> 00:01:21,333 my first act would be... 28 00:01:21,366 --> 00:01:27,500 Well, my second act would be to fire that no-good lint trap. 29 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,100 If you were Mrs. Sheffield? 30 00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:32,000 Please hang up and dial again. 31 00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,233 Nanny Fine, I am perfect for Maxwell. 32 00:01:36,266 --> 00:01:38,233 I am dependable, respectable, 33 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,466 and men are always drawn to my classic Swedish features. 34 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,133 So you're a Volvo. 35 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:48,200 Unfortunately for you, Mr. Sheffield wants to get his hands 36 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:52,660 on something a little sportier that he can take the top down. 37 00:01:54,466 --> 00:01:58,183 Well, you know, obviously we disagree. What do you wanna do? 38 00:01:58,216 --> 00:02:00,416 Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell, 39 00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:03,383 give him a stick and see which one of us he whacks first? 40 00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,483 No. I was going to say 41 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,383 that we should get an impartial third party to be the judge. 42 00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:15,166 But, you know, your way is a nice tip-of-the-hat to Mexican culture. 43 00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:19,150 An impartial third party? Like whom? 44 00:02:19,183 --> 00:02:23,160 Well, like Dr. Joyce Brothers. 45 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:24,200 I met her once. 46 00:02:24,233 --> 00:02:27,266 She's very smart. She was onHollywood Squares. 47 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,416 She knows things. 48 00:02:34,116 --> 00:02:35,183 Oh. 49 00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,366 ♪ She was working in a bridal shop ♪ 50 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,660 ♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪ 51 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:45,233 ♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out ♪ 52 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,416 ♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪ 53 00:02:46,450 --> 00:02:48,366 ♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪ 54 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,400 ♪ She was out on her fanny ♪ 55 00:02:51,433 --> 00:02:53,200 ♪ So over the bridge from Flushing ♪ 56 00:02:53,233 --> 00:02:55,160 ♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪ 57 00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,116 ♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪ 58 00:02:57,150 --> 00:02:59,116 ♪ She had style, she had flair she was there ♪ 59 00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:00,233 ♪ That's how she became ♪ 60 00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:03,160 ♪ The Nanny ♪ 61 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:06,330 ♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪ 62 00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:08,660 ♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪ 63 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,283 ♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪ 64 00:03:09,316 --> 00:03:10,416 ♪ Watch out C.C. ♪ 65 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:12,150 ♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪ 66 00:03:12,183 --> 00:03:13,350 ♪ Such joie de vivre ♪ 67 00:03:13,383 --> 00:03:15,500 ♪ She's the lady in red ♪ 68 00:03:15,830 --> 00:03:19,133 ♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪ 69 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,150 ♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪ 70 00:03:21,183 --> 00:03:22,383 ♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪ 71 00:03:25,416 --> 00:03:28,383 Oh, thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you. 72 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:30,116 It's all set. 73 00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:32,233 She's gonna come over and observe us with Mr. Sheffield 74 00:03:32,266 --> 00:03:34,300 and determine who will make the better wife. 75 00:03:34,333 --> 00:03:36,500 -You're kidding. -No. 76 00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:38,400 She has a great deal of respect for our experiment. 77 00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:41,160 She has a musical she wants to pitch to Maxwell? 78 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,300 Wrote a score forNuts. 79 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:48,450 Well, let's just keep this between us because if Maxwell finds out, 80 00:03:48,483 --> 00:03:50,166 neither of us will have a shot at him. 81 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,350 He'll think we're both morons. 82 00:03:51,383 --> 00:03:54,216 Good. I couldn't agree more. Oh, and you know what? 83 00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:58,133 In case he does find out, let's just tell him that Val thought of it. 84 00:03:58,166 --> 00:03:59,416 That won't be a tough sell. 85 00:04:01,383 --> 00:04:04,660 -What are you doing? -Nothing. 86 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:10,216 And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass from Chevron? 87 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,400 You see, this is why we cannot have nice things. 88 00:04:15,133 --> 00:04:18,166 You know, even if I could keep Dr. Brothers coming here a secret... 89 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,660 And I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas... 90 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,160 How do you plan to explain her presence to Mr. Sheffield? 91 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,416 The woman deals with the psychologically deranged. 92 00:04:27,450 --> 00:04:31,233 She could be here for Ma, me, Gracie. 93 00:04:31,266 --> 00:04:34,300 And let me tell you something, mister, you ain't far from the top of the list. 94 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,116 And don't you blab. I will know, because Mr. Sheffield 95 00:04:40,150 --> 00:04:42,316 always acts self-conscious when he knows he's being watched. 96 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,330 Mmm. 97 00:04:46,283 --> 00:04:47,366 What? 98 00:04:49,466 --> 00:04:51,166 -Nothing. -Nothing. 99 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,830 Well, why are you staring at me? 100 00:04:53,116 --> 00:04:56,150 What? Go about your business. Do what you're doing. 101 00:04:56,183 --> 00:04:58,330 Well, I can't now. You're watching me. 102 00:04:58,660 --> 00:04:59,400 Makes me feel very uncomfortable. 103 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,166 So much for making amateur videos on our honeymoon. 104 00:05:08,483 --> 00:05:11,200 I just hate these credit applications. 105 00:05:11,233 --> 00:05:14,660 Date of birth? Not applicable. 106 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,150 Mmm-hmm. 107 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,500 Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday. 108 00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:23,383 Well, what do you need another credit card for anyway? 109 00:05:23,416 --> 00:05:26,300 Oh, I wanna get credit so I can buy some new outfits 110 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,433 to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers. 111 00:05:28,466 --> 00:05:31,366 I mean, look at me, Val. I look like a cheap tart. 112 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,433 And not in the good way. 113 00:05:34,466 --> 00:05:38,830 Yeah, but I think under "salary," you made a mistake. 114 00:05:38,116 --> 00:05:41,150 Well, that's because last time I put my real salary on an application, 115 00:05:41,183 --> 00:05:44,233 they sent me food stamps and a box of government cheese. 116 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,330 You know, I remember that. 117 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:50,450 It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste. 118 00:05:53,316 --> 00:05:56,500 You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand down. 119 00:05:56,830 --> 00:05:58,116 It sounds like I'm trying too hard. 120 00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,160 Yeah, 50 is too much. 121 00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:02,133 Make it 49.99. 122 00:06:02,166 --> 00:06:04,450 That's how they sucked me in on the Abdomenizer. 123 00:06:04,483 --> 00:06:06,233 Yeah, that's good. 124 00:06:13,433 --> 00:06:15,116 [sighs] 125 00:06:29,166 --> 00:06:31,450 ♪ And when I get that feeling ♪ 126 00:06:31,483 --> 00:06:34,333 ♪I want, ow, sexual healing 127 00:06:34,366 --> 00:06:37,416 ♪ Sexual healing ♪ 128 00:06:37,450 --> 00:06:40,100 ♪Something that's good for me 129 00:06:44,450 --> 00:06:46,116 [sighs] 130 00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:51,100 Oh, crap. I dusted through Rosie. 131 00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:57,183 I can't believe she's applying for another credit card. 132 00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:59,400 No, I really shouldn't snoop. 133 00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:02,450 But maybe I'm a reference, in which case I have a right to know. 134 00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:07,483 Where's age? Age, age, age. 135 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,116 Hmm, this must have been age. 136 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:16,330 Let's see. Salary... 137 00:07:18,233 --> 00:07:20,483 Sir, I demand a raise. 138 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,416 Niles, I am actually in the room. 139 00:07:22,450 --> 00:07:25,166 So you might want to rehearse this somewhere else. 140 00:07:27,283 --> 00:07:29,183 I am saying it to your face this time. 141 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:33,100 I demand a salary increase and I demand it now. 142 00:07:33,133 --> 00:07:37,660 Well, that certainly took a lot of backbone, I must say. 143 00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:39,166 You know, normally my answer would be no. 144 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,383 But based on your bold approach, my answer is, "Hell, no!" 145 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,333 How dare you come barging in here like that, making demands. 146 00:07:49,366 --> 00:07:51,466 -Can't you see I'm busy? -Yes, I know how much effort 147 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,150 goes into ordering an air conditioned pith helmet from the Sharper Image. 148 00:07:58,166 --> 00:08:02,300 Niles, what exactly brought on this sudden surge of greed, anyway? 149 00:08:02,333 --> 00:08:06,660 Well, I was upstairs looking through Ms...Ms. Magazine. 150 00:08:07,366 --> 00:08:11,160 Did you know that like many women in today's marketplace... 151 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:12,400 I too am underpaid? 152 00:08:14,216 --> 00:08:18,830 Well, I happen to think you're very well paid for drinking my brandy, 153 00:08:18,116 --> 00:08:21,100 smoking my cigars and giving conducted tours of the house, 154 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,100 when I'm not here, saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis. 155 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,100 Bouvier. Before she was married. 156 00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,183 Look, if it wasn't for me, 157 00:08:32,216 --> 00:08:35,500 you'd still have that summer job playing ukulele 158 00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:38,660 on some London sidewalk with your partner, Larry. 159 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,330 Well, at least Larry treated me like a human. 160 00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:43,200 Well, of course he treated you like a human. He was a bloody monkey! 161 00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:52,416 Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps it's time you made other arrangements. 162 00:08:52,450 --> 00:08:56,660 All right, then, you repressed tightwad. 163 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,466 -I quit! -Oh, good. 164 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,300 Go and quit then. Go! 165 00:08:59,333 --> 00:09:01,500 By the way, there was a call 166 00:09:01,830 --> 00:09:03,216 from someone who wants to back your new show. 167 00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:05,333 -Well, who was it? -It was... 168 00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:15,500 Oh, my god, Niles. 169 00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,116 -Did I just hear you quit? -Hmm. 170 00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:20,250 How can you, after all you two have been through together? 171 00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:24,300 Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield had that horrible contagious flu? 172 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:27,300 You were the only one that he would let in his room. 173 00:09:29,166 --> 00:09:31,483 Yes. It's memories like that that will sustain me 174 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,366 until I get to the curb outside. 175 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:40,133 Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you can't just let Niles go. 176 00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:43,183 You're making a big mistake. He's my best friend. 177 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:46,350 [sniffing] Oh, god... Do you smell delicious... 178 00:09:48,450 --> 00:09:51,166 What is that? 179 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,216 Are you wearing Aramis? 180 00:09:55,830 --> 00:09:58,433 You can forget it, Ms. Fine. My mind is made up. 181 00:09:58,466 --> 00:10:02,283 Niles is nosy, greedy, surly, and he's gone. 182 00:10:02,316 --> 00:10:04,433 Now... [clears throat] as lady of the house, 183 00:10:04,466 --> 00:10:07,660 I want you to start finding a replacement immediately. 184 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,333 Oh, come on. 185 00:10:08,366 --> 00:10:11,400 You want me to replace my best... Lady of the house? 186 00:10:13,483 --> 00:10:18,116 You know, that Niles could be surly from time to time. 187 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:24,216 What's going on? 188 00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:26,183 Niles quit. 189 00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,000 Thank you. 190 00:10:39,366 --> 00:10:40,366 [doorbell rings] 191 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,216 I'll get it. 192 00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:48,183 Hi, Ma. What are you doing here? 193 00:10:48,216 --> 00:10:51,183 Don't you remember? We're having lunch with Aunt Freida. 194 00:10:51,216 --> 00:10:53,333 It's the anniversary of her husband's death. 195 00:10:53,366 --> 00:10:55,100 Oh, which husband? 196 00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:57,500 Well, since she's buried seven, 197 00:10:57,830 --> 00:11:00,333 she decided to lump them all together like Presidents' Day. 198 00:11:04,216 --> 00:11:08,660 Well, you know, as much as I'd love to watch you and Freida 199 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,166 fight over who gets the chicken butt, 200 00:11:11,316 --> 00:11:14,183 I've really gotta find a replacement for Niles. 201 00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:17,283 -I can't believe he quit. It's so sad. -I know, I know. 202 00:11:17,316 --> 00:11:20,266 I can still smell his chicken cacciatore. 203 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,483 It's like when you lose a limb and you swear it's still there. 204 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,266 Yeah. 205 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:29,330 -[doorbell rings] -Oh, that's Freida. Ma, you be nice. 206 00:11:29,660 --> 00:11:32,100 Well, now that my sister-in-law Freida is a millionaire, 207 00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:36,366 let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake. 208 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,233 Ma, you're going out to lunch. What do you need a cake... Oh, for the cab ride. 209 00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:45,316 -Aunt Freida. -Frannie. 210 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,133 [kissing] 211 00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:48,216 Hi, Syl. 212 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,400 [kissing] 213 00:11:56,100 --> 00:12:00,166 Oh, Sylvia, I love the lighter rinse you're putting on your hair. 214 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,100 You know, it's nice when you get a little older to go a little softer. 215 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,316 Like your tuchus. 216 00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:10,283 So where's Mr. Hunky Butler? 217 00:12:10,316 --> 00:12:12,416 Oh, Hunky went out the door. 218 00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:15,500 You mean, he quit? 219 00:12:15,830 --> 00:12:19,416 Oh, well, maybe he left a little chicken cacciatore in a ziplock? 220 00:12:19,450 --> 00:12:22,416 Been there, done that. 221 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:26,433 You know, Freida, I was just gonna say, I mean, it's kind of awkward for me... 222 00:12:26,466 --> 00:12:30,150 but since you're so loaded and you've got so much money... 223 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:33,150 Franella, say no more. 224 00:12:33,183 --> 00:12:35,166 You're mishpachah. 225 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,100 Here, doll. 226 00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:39,316 Oh, no, Freida. 227 00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:42,266 I just meant I thought you should hire Niles. 228 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,450 Oh. 229 00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:47,400 I don't know, a butler? 230 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,316 You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing people around. 231 00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:52,160 Sylvia, a cold drink. 232 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,200 [snapping fingers] Move it. 233 00:12:55,330 --> 00:12:57,133 I'll dance on your grave someday. 234 00:12:58,283 --> 00:13:00,830 You know, maybe I could use some help. 235 00:13:00,116 --> 00:13:03,233 I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust. 236 00:13:05,216 --> 00:13:07,300 Freida, it's Lladró. 237 00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:12,483 If you can pronounce it, I can afford it. 238 00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:16,416 -Ms. Fine. -Yeah? What's the matter? 239 00:13:16,450 --> 00:13:18,300 I want to let you know, you can call off the search. 240 00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:22,266 C.C.'s found the perfect butler with sterling credentials, I might add. 241 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,350 -I'm very pleased. -Oh. 242 00:13:23,383 --> 00:13:25,830 -Thank you, C.C. -[chuckles] 243 00:13:25,116 --> 00:13:27,160 You're welcome, honey. 244 00:13:29,166 --> 00:13:31,100 Did you hear that? 245 00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:33,366 He is pleased with the help I hired. 246 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,150 I think Dr. Brothers would approve. 247 00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:39,183 All right, you win. 248 00:13:39,216 --> 00:13:42,160 When me and Mr. Sheffield get married, you can hire all the help. 249 00:13:44,483 --> 00:13:48,100 All right, girls, well, it looks like I can have lunch with you after all. 250 00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:50,330 Ooh! How about Mexican? 251 00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:52,160 Nah, I'm in the mood for matzo ball soup. 252 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,160 -[sighs] -Have you tried Casa de Hadassah? 253 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,283 No, I hear they have great fajitas. Kosher fajitas. 254 00:13:57,316 --> 00:14:01,200 Oh, my God, they've got a Tequila Sunrise Sunset. 255 00:14:01,233 --> 00:14:02,316 I love it. 256 00:14:06,383 --> 00:14:09,366 And finally, Trevor, this is the kitchen, your domain. 257 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,133 We have the butler's pantry on the left, the wine cellar on the right 258 00:14:13,166 --> 00:14:15,166 and the trampy nanny on her ass. 259 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:24,100 Listen, Trevor. Let's just get one thing straight right off the bat. 260 00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:29,233 You took my best friend's job, so you and I are not gonna be compadres. 261 00:14:29,266 --> 00:14:33,450 As long as we're being honest, I don't want your mother dropping by incessantly. 262 00:14:33,483 --> 00:14:37,830 A woman her age should be retired and living in a warm climate. 263 00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:42,366 You know, I got two tickets forRent 264 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,200 What do you say we go together? 265 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:50,330 And as for your attire, it is inappropriate for the nanny 266 00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:51,416 to be seen in such revealing outfits 267 00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:53,300 in front of the master and his children. 268 00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:55,133 Please. If I wanted to be revealing, 269 00:14:55,166 --> 00:14:57,166 I could have unbuttoned these buttons 270 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,300 and I wouldn't have worn a bra. Ooh! Whoo! Peekaboo. 271 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,233 Oh, how can you stand him? 272 00:15:06,266 --> 00:15:09,233 I mean, he's so cold, stuffy and repressed. 273 00:15:09,266 --> 00:15:13,316 I know, honey, but he is your father. Oh, you meant Trevor. 274 00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:16,200 Why are you children still here? You should be in school. 275 00:15:16,233 --> 00:15:20,183 Oh, Fran's taking us to Maury Povich to see that 80-pound baby. 276 00:15:20,216 --> 00:15:22,216 [chuckling] 277 00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:24,316 Here. Dad doesn't need to know. 278 00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:26,400 Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed. 279 00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:30,400 This one's gonna be trouble. 280 00:15:41,116 --> 00:15:43,400 Oh, my god, Freida. 281 00:15:45,366 --> 00:15:50,416 I know. It took forever to paper over those carved mahogany walls. 282 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,116 But don't judge it now. 283 00:15:54,150 --> 00:15:57,383 When I get my furniture out of storage, it'll fill in all those bare spots. 284 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,350 Listen, Freida, I wanna talk to you about Niles. I want him back. 285 00:16:03,383 --> 00:16:06,000 And you can get anyone to do what he does around here. 286 00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:09,350 -[Niles] Oh, Freida. It's booty call. -[gasps] 287 00:16:17,466 --> 00:16:21,400 Niles, you hussy you. 288 00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:24,183 Don't knock it, baby. 289 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:26,416 [gasps] You got a diamond ring? 290 00:16:27,383 --> 00:16:29,150 And a dental plan? 291 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,133 I'm shag-a-delic, baby. 292 00:16:36,383 --> 00:16:40,330 Oh, Frannie, it's so nice to have a man around the house. 293 00:16:40,660 --> 00:16:43,830 Nilesy, I'm gonna start the bath. 294 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:48,000 Don't be long, my private dancer. 295 00:16:51,316 --> 00:16:54,660 Niles, I don't believe you. 296 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:58,283 Dressing up in sexy clothes, throwing yourself at your boss. It's sick. 297 00:16:58,316 --> 00:17:01,350 Sick, sick, sick, sick. 298 00:17:01,383 --> 00:17:04,330 Well, it seems the only way I can make your high salary, 299 00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:06,283 is to shake my groove thing with Aunt Freida. 300 00:17:07,350 --> 00:17:09,466 What do you mean, my high salary? 301 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,183 I saw your credit card application. 302 00:17:11,216 --> 00:17:14,330 You put down that you make 50,000 dollars a year. 303 00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:15,416 Oh, I had to. 304 00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:19,500 That's the same thing when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29. 305 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,416 I'm seeking "approval." 306 00:17:22,466 --> 00:17:24,266 Now, come on, I'm taking you home. 307 00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:28,200 No, no. I will not have Mr. Sheffield constantly calling me a snoop. 308 00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:30,660 I have my dignity. 309 00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,283 [Freida] Nilesy! 310 00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:34,100 Put on the velvet Speedo with the bull's-eye. 311 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,330 Look, it's too late to come back now. 312 00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:45,350 I've made Freida's bed and now I have to lie in it. 313 00:17:48,450 --> 00:17:50,316 Well, fine. 314 00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:54,133 Just remember, I've been working for Mr. Sheffield almost five years 315 00:17:54,166 --> 00:17:56,300 and still I haven't slept with him. 316 00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:58,266 It's official. I'm a schmuck. 317 00:18:03,830 --> 00:18:05,160 I fixed you a drink, Ms.Babcock. 318 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,483 I thought you might be nervous about Dr. Brothers' visit. 319 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,400 I hope she picks you. 320 00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:11,483 Oh. 321 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,400 Trevor, it doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere. 322 00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:18,416 Nanny Fine may be dumb enough to honor our deal, 323 00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:22,216 but I'm in show business. My promises don't mean squat. 324 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:34,400 Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low. 325 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:40,400 Well, I had to pull out the big guns. You went to finishing school. 326 00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:42,350 I had trouble finishing school. 327 00:18:42,383 --> 00:18:44,000 [doorbell rings] 328 00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:48,233 Well, you look ridiculous. 329 00:18:48,266 --> 00:18:53,830 That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack. 330 00:19:02,366 --> 00:19:05,466 On you, it sings. 331 00:19:07,466 --> 00:19:10,000 Hello. C.C. Babcock. 332 00:19:10,330 --> 00:19:14,160 Everyone's choice for Mrs.Sheffield. 333 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:17,383 Hi, Dr. Brothers. Good to see you again. 334 00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:21,200 [high-pitched laugh] 335 00:19:21,233 --> 00:19:25,160 You know, I don't want you to feel any pressure at all to pick me. 336 00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:27,433 You know, just because I could get Mr. Sheffield 337 00:19:27,466 --> 00:19:30,400 to listen to your score forNuts. 338 00:19:30,433 --> 00:19:32,266 I'm a professional, dear. 339 00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:35,500 You can't play passive-aggressive with me. 340 00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:37,160 Oh, well, what do you say to this? 341 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:39,433 I got a rich aunt. There's more where that came from. 342 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:42,100 No? 343 00:19:42,133 --> 00:19:45,500 Dr. Brothers, you don't need her. 344 00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:49,160 I am in show business. 345 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:53,183 I can arrange that pitch meeting with Maxwell. 346 00:19:53,216 --> 00:19:54,333 I promise. 347 00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:59,160 Ma, where did you come from? 348 00:20:00,216 --> 00:20:03,133 Der Weisse Engel wouldn't let me in. 349 00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:05,466 The boy had to help me up the trellis. 350 00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:11,266 The Sheffield line ends here,okay? 351 00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:16,383 -I wanna come back. Hide me. Please. -What... What happened? 352 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,466 I can handle the jacuzzis and giving the oil massages. 353 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,233 I can suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger. 354 00:20:22,266 --> 00:20:25,183 But I will not do windows. 355 00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:30,100 -[Freida] Nilesy! -Oh, god. Sasquatch. 356 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,133 [indistinct conversations] 357 00:20:37,433 --> 00:20:41,150 -I heard what they said about you. -Quiet! 358 00:20:42,266 --> 00:20:45,183 Trevor, what the hell is going on in my house? 359 00:20:45,216 --> 00:20:48,483 I wouldn't know. I don't get involved in other people's business. 360 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,133 Well, that's not much bloody good to me, is it? 361 00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:53,233 You're fired. 362 00:20:55,233 --> 00:20:58,660 -You, you're rehired. -Do I get a raise? 363 00:20:58,100 --> 00:20:59,483 -No. -I'll take it. 364 00:21:03,383 --> 00:21:05,383 -Hello. -Hello. 365 00:21:05,416 --> 00:21:09,400 Ms. Fine, what is Dr. Joyce Brothers doing in my sittingroom? 366 00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:12,250 Well, if you must know, she's here to decide whether me 367 00:21:12,283 --> 00:21:14,266 or Ms. Babcock is more right for you. 368 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:16,133 Not that it's any of your business. 369 00:21:17,283 --> 00:21:20,330 What? You can't be serious. 370 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:23,350 Hey, you two have turned into a couple of complete morons. 371 00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,333 -It was Val's idea. -It was Val's idea. 372 00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:31,350 Dr. Brothers, I don't know under what pretense these two got you here, 373 00:21:31,383 --> 00:21:34,330 but I do apologize for their lunacy. 374 00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:35,350 No problem. 375 00:21:35,383 --> 00:21:40,500 Act one. A lone schizophrenic prostitute sings. 376 00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:44,366 ♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪ 377 00:21:46,116 --> 00:21:48,266 ♪Now they're calling me nuts 378 00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:52,100 ♪But I can't help it 379 00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:06,100 Yes, and this is the room where Ms. Bouvier first met Jack Kennedy. 380 00:22:06,133 --> 00:22:08,316 -Niles! -Tour's over. No refunds. 381 00:22:21,350 --> 00:22:24,660 [theme music playing] 382 00:22:38,383 --> 00:22:40,333 [theme music ends]