Well, it's been five days
and I haven't lost a single pound on this damn liquid diet.
Maybe because it's gin.
[mouthing]
Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that and stay so thin?
I have a very fast metabolism.
Every time I think about how old I am
and the fact that I'm still single, my heart starts racing.
Niles, were you listening in on the terrace
when I had my meeting with that accountant?
I most certainly was not.
Good, 'cause I just had the French doors painted.
Oh, well, I'll warn the children.
Good god, man.
Is it so bloody important for you to know how much I'm worth?
Niles, you have paint on you.
[chuckling] So do you.
[phone ringing]
Sir, I wasn't snooping. I was cleaning.
Honestly, keeping this house in order is a round-the-clock job.
I hardly have time to skulk about.
Niles, it's the Spy Shop. Your night vision goggles are in.
Let that be the last time I catch you snooping.
And tomorrow, I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom.
Oh, sir, not the lifeline.
Honestly, if I were Mrs.Sheffield,
my first act would be...
Well, my second act would be to fire that no-good lint trap.
If you were Mrs. Sheffield?
Please hang up and dial again.
Nanny Fine, I am perfect for Maxwell.
I am dependable, respectable,
and men are always drawn to my classic Swedish features.
So you're a Volvo.
Unfortunately for you, Mr. Sheffield wants to get his hands
on something a little sportier that he can take the top down.
Well, you know, obviously we disagree. What do you wanna do?
Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell,
give him a stick and see which one of us he whacks first?
No. I was going to say
that we should get an impartial third party to be the judge.
But, you know, your way is a nice tip-of-the-hat to Mexican culture.
An impartial third party? Like whom?
Well, like Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I met her once.
She's very smart. She was onHollywood Squares.
She knows things.
Oh.
♪ She was working in a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became ♪
♪ The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
Oh, thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you.
It's all set.
She's gonna come over and observe us with Mr. Sheffield
and determine who will make the better wife.
-You're kidding. -No.
She has a great deal of respect for our experiment.
She has a musical she wants to pitch to Maxwell?
Wrote a score forNuts.
Well, let's just keep this between us because if Maxwell finds out,
neither of us will have a shot at him.
He'll think we're both morons.
Good. I couldn't agree more. Oh, and you know what?
In case he does find out, let's just tell him that Val thought of it.
That won't be a tough sell.
-What are you doing? -Nothing.
And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass from Chevron?
You see, this is why we cannot have nice things.
You know, even if I could keep Dr. Brothers coming here a secret...
And I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas...
How do you plan to explain her presence to Mr. Sheffield?
The woman deals with the psychologically deranged.
She could be here for Ma, me, Gracie.
And let me tell you something, mister, you ain't far from the top of the list.
And don't you blab. I will know, because Mr. Sheffield
always acts self-conscious when he knows he's being watched.
Mmm.
What?
-Nothing. -Nothing.
Well, why are you staring at me?
What? Go about your business. Do what you're doing.
Well, I can't now. You're watching me.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable.
So much for making amateur videos on our honeymoon.
I just hate these credit applications.
Date of birth? Not applicable.
Mmm-hmm.
Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday.
Well, what do you need another credit card for anyway?
Oh, I wanna get credit so I can buy some new outfits
to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I mean, look at me, Val. I look like a cheap tart.
And not in the good way.
Yeah, but I think under "salary," you made a mistake.
Well, that's because last time I put my real salary on an application,
they sent me food stamps and a box of government cheese.
You know, I remember that.
It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.
You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand down.
It sounds like I'm trying too hard.
Yeah, 50 is too much.
Make it 49.99.
That's how they sucked me in on the Abdomenizer.
Yeah, that's good.
[sighs]
♪ And when I get that feeling ♪
♪I want, ow, sexual healing
♪ Sexual healing ♪
♪Something that's good for me
[sighs]
Oh, crap. I dusted through Rosie.
I can't believe she's applying for another credit card.
No, I really shouldn't snoop.
But maybe I'm a reference, in which case I have a right to know.
Where's age? Age, age, age.
Hmm, this must have been age.
Let's see. Salary...
Sir, I demand a raise.
Niles, I am actually in the room.
So you might want to rehearse this somewhere else.
I am saying it to your face this time.
I demand a salary increase and I demand it now.
Well, that certainly took a lot of backbone, I must say.
You know, normally my answer would be no.
But based on your bold approach, my answer is, "Hell, no!"
How dare you come barging in here like that, making demands.
-Can't you see I'm busy? -Yes, I know how much effort
goes into ordering an air conditioned pith helmet from the Sharper Image.
Niles, what exactly brought on this sudden surge of greed, anyway?
Well, I was upstairs looking through Ms...Ms. Magazine.
Did you know that like many women in today's marketplace...
I too am underpaid?
Well, I happen to think you're very well paid for drinking my brandy,
smoking my cigars and giving conducted tours of the house,
when I'm not here, saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.
Bouvier. Before she was married.
Look, if it wasn't for me,
you'd still have that summer job playing ukulele
on some London sidewalk with your partner, Larry.
Well, at least Larry treated me like a human.
Well, of course he treated you like a human. He was a bloody monkey!
Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps it's time you made other arrangements.
All right, then, you repressed tightwad.
-I quit! -Oh, good.
Go and quit then. Go!
By the way, there was a call
from someone who wants to back your new show.
-Well, who was it? -It was...
Oh, my god, Niles.
-Did I just hear you quit? -Hmm.
How can you, after all you two have been through together?
Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield had that horrible contagious flu?
You were the only one that he would let in his room.
Yes. It's memories like that that will sustain me
until I get to the curb outside.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you can't just let Niles go.
You're making a big mistake. He's my best friend.
[sniffing] Oh, god... Do you smell delicious...
What is that?
Are you wearing Aramis?
You can forget it, Ms. Fine. My mind is made up.
Niles is nosy, greedy, surly, and he's gone.
Now... [clears throat] as lady of the house,
I want you to start finding a replacement immediately.
Oh, come on.
You want me to replace my best... Lady of the house?
You know, that Niles could be surly from time to time.
What's going on?
Niles quit.
Thank you.
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
Hi, Ma. What are you doing here?
Don't you remember? We're having lunch with Aunt Freida.
It's the anniversary of her husband's death.
Oh, which husband?
Well, since she's buried seven,
she decided to lump them all together like Presidents' Day.
Well, you know, as much as I'd love to watch you and Freida
fight over who gets the chicken butt,
I've really gotta find a replacement for Niles.
-I can't believe he quit. It's so sad. -I know, I know.
I can still smell his chicken cacciatore.
It's like when you lose a limb and you swear it's still there.
Yeah.
-[doorbell rings] -Oh, that's Freida. Ma, you be nice.
Well, now that my sister-in-law Freida is a millionaire,
let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake.
Ma, you're going out to lunch. What do you need a cake... Oh, for the cab ride.
-Aunt Freida. -Frannie.
[kissing]
Hi, Syl.
[kissing]
Oh, Sylvia, I love the lighter rinse you're putting on your hair.
You know, it's nice when you get a little older to go a little softer.
Like your tuchus.
So where's Mr. Hunky Butler?
Oh, Hunky went out the door.
You mean, he quit?
Oh, well, maybe he left a little chicken cacciatore in a ziplock?
Been there, done that.
You know, Freida, I was just gonna say, I mean, it's kind of awkward for me...
but since you're so loaded and you've got so much money...
Franella, say no more.
You're mishpachah.
Here, doll.
Oh, no, Freida.
I just meant I thought you should hire Niles.
Oh.
I don't know, a butler?
You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing people around.
Sylvia, a cold drink.
[snapping fingers] Move it.
I'll dance on your grave someday.
You know, maybe I could use some help.
I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.
Freida, it's Lladró.
If you can pronounce it, I can afford it.
-Ms. Fine. -Yeah? What's the matter?
I want to let you know, you can call off the search.
C.C.'s found the perfect butler with sterling credentials, I might add.
-I'm very pleased. -Oh.
-Thank you, C.C. -[chuckles]
You're welcome, honey.
Did you hear that?
He is pleased with the help I hired.
I think Dr. Brothers would approve.
All right, you win.
When me and Mr. Sheffield get married, you can hire all the help.
All right, girls, well, it looks like I can have lunch with you after all.
Ooh! How about Mexican?
Nah, I'm in the mood for matzo ball soup.
-[sighs] -Have you tried Casa de Hadassah?
No, I hear they have great fajitas. Kosher fajitas.
Oh, my God, they've got a Tequila Sunrise Sunset.
I love it.
And finally, Trevor, this is the kitchen, your domain.
We have the butler's pantry on the left, the wine cellar on the right
and the trampy nanny on her ass.
Listen, Trevor. Let's just get one thing straight right off the bat.
You took my best friend's job, so you and I are not gonna be compadres.
As long as we're being honest, I don't want your mother dropping by incessantly.
A woman her age should be retired and living in a warm climate.
You know, I got two tickets forRent
What do you say we go together?
And as for your attire, it is inappropriate for the nanny
to be seen in such revealing outfits
in front of the master and his children.
Please. If I wanted to be revealing,
I could have unbuttoned these buttons
and I wouldn't have worn a bra. Ooh! Whoo! Peekaboo.
Oh, how can you stand him?
I mean, he's so cold, stuffy and repressed.
I know, honey, but he is your father. Oh, you meant Trevor.
Why are you children still here? You should be in school.
Oh, Fran's taking us to Maury Povich to see that 80-pound baby.
[chuckling]
Here. Dad doesn't need to know.
Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed.
This one's gonna be trouble.
Oh, my god, Freida.
I know. It took forever to paper over those carved mahogany walls.
But don't judge it now.
When I get my furniture out of storage, it'll fill in all those bare spots.
Listen, Freida, I wanna talk to you about Niles. I want him back.
And you can get anyone to do what he does around here.
-[Niles] Oh, Freida. It's booty call. -[gasps]
Niles, you hussy you.
Don't knock it, baby.
[gasps] You got a diamond ring?
And a dental plan?
I'm shag-a-delic, baby.
Oh, Frannie, it's so nice to have a man around the house.
Nilesy, I'm gonna start the bath.
Don't be long, my private dancer.
Niles, I don't believe you.
Dressing up in sexy clothes, throwing yourself at your boss. It's sick.
Sick, sick, sick, sick.
Well, it seems the only way I can make your high salary,
is to shake my groove thing with Aunt Freida.
What do you mean, my high salary?
I saw your credit card application.
You put down that you make 50,000 dollars a year.
Oh, I had to.
That's the same thing when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29.
I'm seeking "approval."
Now, come on, I'm taking you home.
No, no. I will not have Mr. Sheffield constantly calling me a snoop.
I have my dignity.
[Freida] Nilesy!
Put on the velvet Speedo with the bull's-eye.
Look, it's too late to come back now.
I've made Freida's bed and now I have to lie in it.
Well, fine.
Just remember, I've been working for Mr. Sheffield almost five years
and still I haven't slept with him.
It's official. I'm a schmuck.
I fixed you a drink, Ms.Babcock.
I thought you might be nervous about Dr. Brothers' visit.
I hope she picks you.
Oh.
Trevor, it doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere.
Nanny Fine may be dumb enough to honor our deal,
but I'm in show business. My promises don't mean squat.
Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low.
Well, I had to pull out the big guns. You went to finishing school.
I had trouble finishing school.
[doorbell rings]
Well, you look ridiculous.
That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack.
On you, it sings.
Hello. C.C. Babcock.
Everyone's choice for Mrs.Sheffield.
Hi, Dr. Brothers. Good to see you again.
[high-pitched laugh]
You know, I don't want you to feel any pressure at all to pick me.
You know, just because I could get Mr. Sheffield
to listen to your score forNuts.
I'm a professional, dear.
You can't play passive-aggressive with me.
Oh, well, what do you say to this?
I got a rich aunt. There's more where that came from.
No?
Dr. Brothers, you don't need her.
I am in show business.
I can arrange that pitch meeting with Maxwell.
I promise.
Ma, where did you come from?
Der Weisse Engel wouldn't let me in.
The boy had to help me up the trellis.
The Sheffield line ends here,okay?
-I wanna come back. Hide me. Please. -What... What happened?
I can handle the jacuzzis and giving the oil massages.
I can suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger.
But I will not do windows.
-[Freida] Nilesy! -Oh, god. Sasquatch.
[indistinct conversations]
-I heard what they said about you. -Quiet!
Trevor, what the hell is going on in my house?
I wouldn't know. I don't get involved in other people's business.
Well, that's not much bloody good to me, is it?
You're fired.
-You, you're rehired. -Do I get a raise?
-No. -I'll take it.
-Hello. -Hello.
Ms. Fine, what is Dr. Joyce Brothers doing in my sittingroom?
Well, if you must know, she's here to decide whether me
or Ms. Babcock is more right for you.
Not that it's any of your business.
What? You can't be serious.
Hey, you two have turned into a couple of complete morons.
-It was Val's idea. -It was Val's idea.
Dr. Brothers, I don't know under what pretense these two got you here,
but I do apologize for their lunacy.
No problem.
Act one. A lone schizophrenic prostitute sings.
♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪
♪Now they're calling me nuts
♪But I can't help it
Yes, and this is the room where Ms. Bouvier first met Jack Kennedy.
-Niles! -Tour's over. No refunds.
[theme music playing]
[theme music ends]