1
00:00:23,539 --> 00:00:24,539
Hello.
2
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:26,107
Jay, this is your mother.
3
00:00:26,174 --> 00:00:28,409
Your father and I
are taking you out
of our will.
4
00:00:28,477 --> 00:00:30,845
We feel you already have
enough money.
5
00:00:30,913 --> 00:00:33,014
Oh, yes, and Happy Birthday.
6
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:08,917
It stinks.
7
00:01:23,198 --> 00:01:24,265
Oh!
8
00:01:24,332 --> 00:01:25,567
What's wrong?
9
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:28,169
I'm 36 years old, I'm lonely,
10
00:01:28,236 --> 00:01:30,371
my hair comes out
of a spray can.
11
00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:33,074
You know, I ought to go
on camera without this stuff.
12
00:01:33,141 --> 00:01:35,577
Let the world see me
as I really am.
13
00:01:36,745 --> 00:01:37,812
It's empty.
14
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,014
Oh! I'm bald and ugly.
Get more!
15
00:01:42,117 --> 00:01:44,185
Hello, I'm Jay sherman,
16
00:01:44,252 --> 00:01:46,721
and this is coming attractions.
17
00:01:46,789 --> 00:01:49,791
Tonight I'll be reviewing
home alone 5.
18
00:01:52,995 --> 00:01:54,028
We left Kevin home alone,
19
00:01:54,096 --> 00:01:55,930
and he's only 23.
20
00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,333
But first, let's start
21
00:01:59,401 --> 00:02:02,470
with Arnold Schwarzenegger's
latest film: Rabbi p.I.
22
00:02:02,537 --> 00:02:04,305
It's the story of a Chicago cop
23
00:02:04,372 --> 00:02:07,075
who goes undercover
as a hasidic Jew.
24
00:02:10,846 --> 00:02:12,680
Eat lead, rabbi.
25
00:02:12,748 --> 00:02:14,682
Sorry. That's not kosher.
26
00:02:16,551 --> 00:02:17,619
All right,
27
00:02:17,686 --> 00:02:19,386
if you are a real rabbi,
28
00:02:19,454 --> 00:02:21,288
circumcise this child.
29
00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:27,862
Havah nagilah, baby.
30
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,363
Because I love you people,
31
00:02:29,431 --> 00:02:32,000
I won't force you to watch
the musical number.
32
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,901
Well, maybe just a little.
33
00:02:36,438 --> 00:02:38,706
♪ I made you out of Clay
34
00:02:39,174 --> 00:02:40,642
feh!
35
00:02:40,709 --> 00:02:42,844
Anyway, to get to the part
of the show you like the best
36
00:02:42,911 --> 00:02:44,512
and I find humiliating,
37
00:02:44,579 --> 00:02:45,813
on the shermometer,
38
00:02:45,881 --> 00:02:48,349
this film rates
an absolute zero.
39
00:02:48,416 --> 00:02:49,784
Brr!
40
00:02:49,852 --> 00:02:50,918
And cut.
41
00:02:53,856 --> 00:02:56,891
Ah, this new stuff feels great.
44
00:03:02,631 --> 00:03:05,166
Why the hell do you
have to be so critical?
45
00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,534
I'm a critic.
46
00:03:06,601 --> 00:03:08,469
No. Your job is
to rate movies
47
00:03:08,537 --> 00:03:10,504
on a scale from good
to excellent.
48
00:03:10,572 --> 00:03:11,939
What if I don't like them?
49
00:03:12,007 --> 00:03:13,507
That's what "good" is for.
50
00:03:13,575 --> 00:03:15,710
Mr. Phillips,
we go on in 5 seconds.
51
00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:17,211
I own this network, boy.
52
00:03:17,279 --> 00:03:20,281
Just put up that picture
of me on a horse.
53
00:03:20,348 --> 00:03:21,916
♪
54
00:03:24,619 --> 00:03:26,654
God, I look fabulous.
55
00:03:26,722 --> 00:03:28,189
Look, this isn't art,
56
00:03:28,256 --> 00:03:31,592
it's just mindless pablum
for losers who can
barely read.
57
00:03:31,660 --> 00:03:32,994
Oh, that reminds me,
58
00:03:33,062 --> 00:03:35,529
I've got an interview
with people magazine.
59
00:03:35,597 --> 00:03:37,932
Mr. Phillips,
you're fabulously wealthy,
60
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,567
you're a world-class athlete,
61
00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:41,268
you were great in bed
last night.
62
00:03:41,336 --> 00:03:42,670
How does that feel?
63
00:03:42,738 --> 00:03:44,538
I have no one to envy.
64
00:03:44,606 --> 00:03:46,808
I envy you having me to envy.
65
00:03:46,875 --> 00:03:50,011
We're back
with "star poop."
66
00:03:50,079 --> 00:03:51,312
Let's welcome a young actress
67
00:03:51,379 --> 00:03:53,181
whose first film
opens next month,
68
00:03:53,248 --> 00:03:54,582
Valerie fox.
69
00:03:56,785 --> 00:03:58,552
Oh!
70
00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:00,888
I must confess
I haven't seen
your movie yet.
71
00:04:00,956 --> 00:04:02,623
Well, let's not talk
about the movie.
72
00:04:02,691 --> 00:04:04,192
Let's talk about you.
73
00:04:04,259 --> 00:04:06,027
Ah, my favorite subject.
74
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,898
You know, I'm your biggest fan.
75
00:04:10,966 --> 00:04:12,533
Oh, I have no fans.
76
00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:14,535
Most of my viewers
are drunken frat boys
77
00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:16,503
who like to make fun of me.
78
00:04:16,571 --> 00:04:18,740
Hey, look.
He's picking his nose.
79
00:04:20,876 --> 00:04:21,943
It's really simple.
80
00:04:22,010 --> 00:04:24,511
I find smart men very sexy,
81
00:04:24,579 --> 00:04:27,481
and you are the most
intelligent man on television.
82
00:04:28,917 --> 00:04:30,118
Would you like
to have dinner with me?
83
00:04:30,185 --> 00:04:31,119
Oh, I couldn't.
84
00:04:31,186 --> 00:04:32,754
You're an actress.
I'm a critic.
85
00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:35,056
There's an insatiable line
between us.
86
00:04:35,124 --> 00:04:36,423
Uh, I mean invisible.
87
00:04:36,491 --> 00:04:38,292
There's an invisible line
between us.
88
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,693
Oh!
89
00:04:41,196 --> 00:04:43,064
All right,
I'll have dinner with you.
90
00:04:43,132 --> 00:04:44,999
But first, can we have
a serious discussion
of your film?
91
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,468
I think that's what
our audience is here for.
92
00:04:47,535 --> 00:04:49,904
Hey, look.
She's drinking a beer.
93
00:04:51,373 --> 00:04:53,174
Oh, this really stinks.
94
00:04:54,342 --> 00:04:55,342
I'm sorry.
95
00:04:55,410 --> 00:04:56,744
They send me
on these talk shows
96
00:04:56,812 --> 00:04:59,147
and tell me to be
some sort of femme fatale.
97
00:04:59,214 --> 00:05:01,015
I think it's all
pretty silly myself.
98
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,349
I know how it is.
99
00:05:02,417 --> 00:05:04,218
I always have to look
my sexiest.
100
00:05:04,286 --> 00:05:08,089
That's why I'm wearing
these tight size 42 pants.
101
00:05:09,258 --> 00:05:10,424
Now, Valerie,
102
00:05:10,492 --> 00:05:12,160
your new film, kiss of death,
103
00:05:12,227 --> 00:05:14,395
is being compared
to basic instinct.
104
00:05:14,462 --> 00:05:16,664
Would you compare yourself
to Sharon stone?
105
00:05:16,731 --> 00:05:19,566
I find comparing actresses
very demeaning.
106
00:05:20,202 --> 00:05:21,936
Don't you?
107
00:05:22,004 --> 00:05:23,271
Can we get a shot of that?
108
00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:28,009
Hey, mister,
why does your car say
"king dork"?
109
00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:31,012
Uh, I bought it
from king dorkenheiser
of Finland.
110
00:05:31,079 --> 00:05:33,247
I thought Finland was
a constitutional democracy.
111
00:05:33,315 --> 00:05:35,082
Just park the car.
112
00:05:35,150 --> 00:05:36,717
♪
113
00:05:41,256 --> 00:05:43,925
Ah, Mr. sherman,
114
00:05:43,992 --> 00:05:45,426
I have saved for you
115
00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:48,395
the very best table
in the house.
116
00:05:48,463 --> 00:05:50,865
Just perfect
for the schmoozing.
117
00:05:52,868 --> 00:05:54,202
Conan o'brien.
118
00:05:57,039 --> 00:05:58,139
Oh, great.
119
00:05:58,207 --> 00:06:00,274
They sat us
in the critics' section.
120
00:06:00,342 --> 00:06:01,408
Pelican brief?
121
00:06:01,476 --> 00:06:04,078
More like Turkey too long.
122
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:07,215
Even Satan himself would
love this angel hair pasta.
123
00:06:07,282 --> 00:06:10,017
It's a good buy,
and so, goodbye,
124
00:06:10,085 --> 00:06:13,321
from Mr. good guy,
gene shalit.
125
00:06:13,388 --> 00:06:14,889
You were a model, weren't you?
126
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:16,290
Don't pigeonhole me.
127
00:06:16,358 --> 00:06:17,758
Yes, I was a model.
128
00:06:17,826 --> 00:06:19,626
Yes, I was a beauty queen.
129
00:06:19,694 --> 00:06:22,029
Yes, I dated Donald trump.
130
00:06:22,097 --> 00:06:23,564
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
131
00:06:24,333 --> 00:06:25,900
Oh, yeah.
132
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,534
What are you doing?
133
00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:30,637
Oh, I'm sneaking a peek
at your mcguppies.
134
00:06:30,705 --> 00:06:32,940
It's my stumbling attempt
at intimacy.
135
00:06:33,008 --> 00:06:35,343
If that's what you want,
look in my eyes.
136
00:06:37,612 --> 00:06:38,946
O ye gods!
137
00:06:42,017 --> 00:06:44,551
And that's me on the set
of dances with wolves.
138
00:06:44,619 --> 00:06:45,953
They gave me a small part.
139
00:06:46,021 --> 00:06:48,389
I played
throws-like-a-girl.
140
00:06:48,456 --> 00:06:50,224
I didn't know you were married.
141
00:06:50,292 --> 00:06:52,326
It didn't work out.
142
00:06:52,394 --> 00:06:54,661
I don't know
why I ever married you.
143
00:06:59,935 --> 00:07:01,102
What's this?
144
00:07:01,169 --> 00:07:03,470
That is my pulitzer prize.
145
00:07:04,273 --> 00:07:05,606
Oh, no, wait.
146
00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:07,341
No, I'm sorry.
That's my pulitzer prize.
147
00:07:07,409 --> 00:07:08,910
I won this at summer camp.
148
00:07:08,977 --> 00:07:09,877
For what?
149
00:07:12,247 --> 00:07:13,580
More. More.
150
00:07:15,183 --> 00:07:17,318
Uh, I killed a bear.
151
00:07:17,386 --> 00:07:19,820
I guess I should be going,
152
00:07:19,888 --> 00:07:22,489
but I just can't leave.
Do you get that feeling?
153
00:07:22,557 --> 00:07:24,025
Yes, but I live here.
154
00:07:24,092 --> 00:07:26,127
No. What I mean is,
155
00:07:26,194 --> 00:07:27,795
this door's
going to close soon,
156
00:07:27,862 --> 00:07:29,630
and whether
I'm inside or outside
157
00:07:29,697 --> 00:07:31,532
could change our lives forever.
158
00:07:40,909 --> 00:07:43,411
Say, what do you do
in your movie?
159
00:07:43,478 --> 00:07:45,546
I play a woman
who seduces chubby men,
160
00:07:45,613 --> 00:07:47,982
then kills them in their sleep.
161
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,417
Interesting.
162
00:07:58,193 --> 00:08:00,461
She looks good
from every angle.
163
00:08:01,896 --> 00:08:03,030
Eh?
164
00:08:03,098 --> 00:08:04,265
Ahhh!
165
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,434
Sorry, I'll just go
to the bathroom
166
00:08:06,501 --> 00:08:08,436
and let you make
a graceful escape.
167
00:08:08,503 --> 00:08:11,372
No, no.
I really enjoyed last night.
168
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:12,739
Oh, really?
169
00:08:14,042 --> 00:08:16,243
You have such cute little ears.
170
00:08:16,311 --> 00:08:18,712
Dad, you're out of doritos.
171
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,615
What are you doing here?
172
00:08:21,683 --> 00:08:24,085
We were gonna go shopping
for husky pants together.
173
00:08:24,152 --> 00:08:25,686
Excuse us.
174
00:08:25,753 --> 00:08:27,188
Then you were gonna take me
to that ice cream place
175
00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:28,889
and tell them
it's my birthday again.
176
00:08:28,957 --> 00:08:30,391
Shh.
What?
177
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:32,693
Shut up.
178
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,062
Now, son,
you may just have noticed
179
00:08:35,130 --> 00:08:37,098
there was a beautiful woman
in my bed.
180
00:08:37,165 --> 00:08:38,699
I won't tell anyone.
181
00:08:38,766 --> 00:08:40,834
Actually, I wish you
would tell everyone.
182
00:08:40,902 --> 00:08:42,136
Particularly your mother
183
00:08:42,204 --> 00:08:44,771
and her personal trainer,
Alberto.
184
00:08:44,839 --> 00:08:46,907
He says I should
call him Uncle Al now.
185
00:08:46,975 --> 00:08:48,876
That's crazy.
Why should you do that?
186
00:08:48,943 --> 00:08:51,879
'Cause he's such a great guy
and I like him so much.
187
00:08:51,946 --> 00:08:52,846
Oh.
188
00:08:57,819 --> 00:08:59,420
I'm going to say
something to you
189
00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:01,688
and I think you know
what it is.
190
00:09:01,756 --> 00:09:02,956
Buzz off?
191
00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,025
No.
192
00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:05,893
I love you.
193
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,994
What?
194
00:09:07,062 --> 00:09:08,162
I love you.
195
00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:09,397
Wow!
196
00:09:09,464 --> 00:09:11,265
You know, I still
haven't heard you say it.
197
00:09:13,468 --> 00:09:15,702
I love you!
198
00:09:15,770 --> 00:09:17,405
That's all I needed to hear.
199
00:09:20,942 --> 00:09:23,344
My, my.
You make a lovely couple.
200
00:09:24,479 --> 00:09:25,479
Hey, vlada,
201
00:09:25,547 --> 00:09:27,181
why don't you hang this
on the wall
202
00:09:27,249 --> 00:09:28,649
in place of my old photo?
203
00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:31,185
Hey. Where is it?
204
00:09:31,253 --> 00:09:32,986
Uh, well, you know, um...
205
00:09:35,657 --> 00:09:36,890
Ugh!
206
00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:38,959
Mr. hawke, could I have
your autograph?
207
00:09:39,027 --> 00:09:41,895
I just loved you
in crocodile Gandhi.
208
00:09:41,963 --> 00:09:43,730
You see? People did
like that picture.
209
00:09:43,798 --> 00:09:45,566
I'm sorry, I just didn't think
210
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:48,069
you made
a very convincing mahatma.
211
00:09:48,136 --> 00:09:51,205
I will bring peace between
the hindu and the Muslim,
212
00:09:51,273 --> 00:09:54,408
but first a tasteful glimpse
of my bottom for the ladies.
213
00:09:56,578 --> 00:09:59,913
Don't look so smug.
I've got my fans, too.
214
00:09:59,981 --> 00:10:02,816
Excuse me. Could I rub
your hump for luck?
215
00:10:02,884 --> 00:10:04,118
I don't have a hump.
216
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,254
You hunchbacks are so selfish.
217
00:10:08,523 --> 00:10:09,923
Get away from me!
218
00:10:11,025 --> 00:10:12,460
Jay!
219
00:10:13,462 --> 00:10:15,129
I'll be right over.
220
00:10:15,663 --> 00:10:17,164
Oh, no.
221
00:10:17,232 --> 00:10:18,299
What's wrong, mate?
222
00:10:18,366 --> 00:10:20,101
I'm afraid if my
girlfriend meets you,
223
00:10:20,168 --> 00:10:21,602
she won't want me anymore.
224
00:10:21,669 --> 00:10:22,869
You've got a point, there.
225
00:10:22,937 --> 00:10:24,938
Women love me
no matter what I do.
226
00:10:25,006 --> 00:10:27,174
I've tried not shaving,
I've tried not bathing.
227
00:10:27,242 --> 00:10:29,743
I've even tried
talking like this.
228
00:10:29,811 --> 00:10:31,044
No use.
229
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:33,680
Sweetheart,
this is Jeremy hawke.
230
00:10:33,748 --> 00:10:34,781
Hi.
231
00:10:34,849 --> 00:10:36,883
Honey, I was just
having lunch with my agent.
232
00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:39,286
Oh. Is he the one
sucking the marrow
out of the bones?
233
00:10:40,489 --> 00:10:43,290
Uh-huh. Well, anyway,
I'll see you tonight.
234
00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,466
I'm very happy for you.
235
00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:54,468
♪ Take your genitalia
236
00:10:54,536 --> 00:10:56,604
♪ right back to Australia
237
00:10:56,671 --> 00:10:58,506
all right. All right.
238
00:10:58,573 --> 00:11:00,374
Congratulations, my friend.
239
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:03,310
You have reached up to heaven
and plucked out an angel.
240
00:11:03,378 --> 00:11:05,412
I'm thinking of asking her
to marry me.
241
00:11:06,581 --> 00:11:08,482
Oh, you bloody twit.
Come with me.
242
00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:09,416
Huh!
243
00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:13,587
Bubbee, never marry
an actress,
244
00:11:13,655 --> 00:11:16,723
and never do blackface at
the n.A.A.C.P. Image awards.
245
00:11:16,791 --> 00:11:18,992
2 things I've learned
from experience.
246
00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:20,494
But I love Valerie.
247
00:11:20,562 --> 00:11:22,396
I'm taking her
to meet my parents
this week.
248
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,865
Jay, we have
a saying in Australia.
249
00:11:24,932 --> 00:11:27,501
Well, it's not
really a saying,
it's a drinking song.
250
00:11:27,569 --> 00:11:30,437
It's about a bottle of beer
and the men who loved her.
251
00:11:30,505 --> 00:11:31,905
And it doesn't
really apply here,
252
00:11:31,973 --> 00:11:35,276
but my advice to you
is slow down.
253
00:11:35,343 --> 00:11:36,843
Why are you telling me this?
254
00:11:36,911 --> 00:11:40,013
Because you're the only
decent guy I've met
in this dreadful country.
255
00:11:40,081 --> 00:11:41,482
I love you, mate.
256
00:11:41,550 --> 00:11:43,517
Wow, that's twice in one day.
257
00:11:43,585 --> 00:11:44,951
I love you, too.
258
00:11:45,019 --> 00:11:46,487
You just love my money.
259
00:11:46,555 --> 00:11:47,754
That is true.
260
00:11:47,822 --> 00:11:50,157
But it is a love
that will never die.
261
00:11:52,627 --> 00:11:54,662
I can't believe
your folks live here.
262
00:11:55,697 --> 00:11:57,331
You know, Valerie,
263
00:11:57,399 --> 00:11:59,200
there's something
I should tell you
about my parents.
264
00:12:00,535 --> 00:12:01,802
Hello, son.
265
00:12:01,869 --> 00:12:03,470
You're adopted.
266
00:12:03,538 --> 00:12:04,805
Well, duh.
267
00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:09,677
Good to see you,
adopted master Jay.
268
00:12:09,744 --> 00:12:10,711
Ugh!
269
00:12:10,778 --> 00:12:12,680
This is my sister, margo.
270
00:12:12,747 --> 00:12:16,183
She's a junior
at Ms. hathaway's school
for untouched girls.
271
00:12:16,251 --> 00:12:19,186
Margo, this is Valerie.
272
00:12:19,254 --> 00:12:20,487
She loves me.
273
00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:28,128
I saw your show
the other night, son.
274
00:12:28,196 --> 00:12:29,830
Doing the weather now, are you?
275
00:12:29,897 --> 00:12:32,132
No, dad.
That was the shermometer.
276
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,635
So, my boy, do you think
it'll snow tomorrow?
277
00:12:34,703 --> 00:12:35,736
I don't know.
278
00:12:35,803 --> 00:12:38,004
Well, we sure could use
some snow.
279
00:12:38,072 --> 00:12:41,041
Had the chains on since July.
280
00:12:41,109 --> 00:12:43,611
My father had a stroke
a few years ago.
281
00:12:43,678 --> 00:12:45,112
He didn't really.
282
00:12:45,179 --> 00:12:48,048
We just say that
to explain his personality.
283
00:12:48,116 --> 00:12:51,385
The peanut is neither
a pea nor a nut.
284
00:12:55,857 --> 00:12:58,492
So, I hear you're an actress.
285
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,694
Oh, wait.
It is a nut.
286
00:13:00,762 --> 00:13:03,029
Yes. My first movie
comes out next week.
287
00:13:03,097 --> 00:13:04,798
Oh, I see.
288
00:13:04,866 --> 00:13:07,033
You're just dating my son
till he gives you
a good review.
289
00:13:07,101 --> 00:13:08,201
Then you'll drop him,
290
00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,937
and he'll be back here
with one of those nice girls
291
00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:12,539
from the escort service.
292
00:13:12,607 --> 00:13:15,075
I'm not dating your son
for a good review.
293
00:13:15,143 --> 00:13:17,010
I just hope
that after he sees the movie,
294
00:13:17,078 --> 00:13:18,646
he doesn't stop loving me.
295
00:13:18,713 --> 00:13:20,213
I'm not gonna stop loving you
296
00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:23,484
after I've been decaying
in the ground for 200 years.
297
00:13:23,551 --> 00:13:25,319
Oh! Can't one dinner go by
298
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:28,188
where we don't talk
about your rotting corpse?
299
00:13:28,256 --> 00:13:29,256
Sorry.
300
00:13:29,324 --> 00:13:31,057
I'm sure Valerie loves you.
301
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,394
I only brought it up
because we care about you.
302
00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:36,697
That's why we finally decided
not to give you back
to the orphanage.
303
00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:38,732
You were thinking
of giving me back?
304
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,536
Oh, son, if I've said it once,
I've said it 1,000 times.
305
00:13:43,705 --> 00:13:45,872
Who are all you people?
306
00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,975
And this is where I had
my 8th birthday party.
307
00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:51,578
The clown scared me
and I wet my pants.
308
00:13:51,646 --> 00:13:54,214
Everyone laughed
and called me "wee wee."
309
00:13:54,282 --> 00:13:55,949
Kids can be so cruel.
310
00:13:56,017 --> 00:13:57,351
Hiya, wee wee.
311
00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:58,885
Still wetting them drawers?
312
00:13:58,953 --> 00:14:00,554
Oh, shut up!
313
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,222
Sure thing, Mr. "w."
314
00:14:03,958 --> 00:14:06,393
Valerie, how'd you like
to go for a ride?
315
00:14:06,961 --> 00:14:08,429
Sure.
316
00:14:08,496 --> 00:14:09,830
Jay, are you coming?
317
00:14:09,897 --> 00:14:10,931
Sorry.
318
00:14:10,998 --> 00:14:14,134
I had a very bad experience
with a horse once.
319
00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:16,136
Now, before I let you
ride the pony,
320
00:14:16,204 --> 00:14:18,872
are you sure you weigh
less than 80 pounds?
321
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,140
Uh, yeah.
322
00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:24,645
Patches.
323
00:14:24,713 --> 00:14:25,679
No!
324
00:14:29,884 --> 00:14:31,585
Now, look, I'll be honest.
325
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,954
This is the ride I take
with all my brother's
girlfriends
326
00:14:34,021 --> 00:14:36,189
where they admit
they're just using him.
327
00:14:36,257 --> 00:14:39,960
Why does everyone
have such a hard time
believing I love Jay?
328
00:14:40,027 --> 00:14:41,862
How can I put this?
329
00:14:41,929 --> 00:14:42,996
For one thing,
330
00:14:43,064 --> 00:14:45,432
his butt sticks out
like an air conditioner.
331
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,835
Ooh, a daffodil.
332
00:14:49,437 --> 00:14:52,406
Listen, I meet
incredible-looking guys
333
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,742
all the time.
334
00:14:54,809 --> 00:14:57,978
But I never met a man
as smart and funny
335
00:14:58,045 --> 00:15:00,714
and who appreciates me
as much as your brother.
336
00:15:00,782 --> 00:15:01,715
Really?
337
00:15:01,783 --> 00:15:02,816
Really.
338
00:15:02,884 --> 00:15:04,251
Oh, great.
339
00:15:04,318 --> 00:15:06,119
Welcome to our crappy family.
340
00:15:11,292 --> 00:15:12,626
Hurry up, dad,
341
00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,461
you've only got 10 seconds
to get to long island.
342
00:15:14,529 --> 00:15:16,497
Uh-oh. Yankee stadium
is emptying out.
343
00:15:16,564 --> 00:15:18,499
And it's
nickel-beer day.
344
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:22,403
Oh, no.
The rev. Al sharpton!
345
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:23,837
Blah, blah, blah.
346
00:15:23,905 --> 00:15:25,338
Blah, blah, blah.
347
00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:26,807
Blah, blah, blah.
348
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:28,742
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
349
00:15:30,712 --> 00:15:32,012
♪
350
00:15:33,014 --> 00:15:35,248
Dad, I've never seen
you so happy.
351
00:15:35,316 --> 00:15:36,717
Does this have something to do
352
00:15:36,785 --> 00:15:38,752
with the naked lady
you were in bed with?
353
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:41,688
Ha! Out of the mouths
of babes.
354
00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:45,191
Son, let me tell you the key
to holding on to a woman.
355
00:15:45,259 --> 00:15:46,860
You must build
from a foundation
356
00:15:46,928 --> 00:15:48,429
of trust and understanding.
357
00:15:48,496 --> 00:15:50,997
If that doesn't work,
tell her you have a tumor.
358
00:15:51,065 --> 00:15:53,634
Either way,
the key word is "growth."
359
00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:54,835
I don't get it.
360
00:15:54,903 --> 00:15:56,470
The point is,
361
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,138
tonight there's a screening
of my girlfriend's movie.
362
00:15:58,205 --> 00:15:59,573
I'm going to play sick
363
00:15:59,641 --> 00:16:01,542
so I don't have to review it.
364
00:16:01,609 --> 00:16:03,410
So, you're saying
it's ok to lie?
365
00:16:03,478 --> 00:16:06,346
No, son.
You should only lie
in that rare case
366
00:16:06,414 --> 00:16:08,682
where the good
far outdoes the harm.
367
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,717
My friend and I have a bet.
368
00:16:10,785 --> 00:16:12,619
Are you Dustin Hoffman?
369
00:16:13,287 --> 00:16:14,287
Yes.
370
00:16:17,826 --> 00:16:19,894
This is m.J.N.N.:
371
00:16:19,961 --> 00:16:21,995
The Michael Jackson
news network,
372
00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:25,132
with bureaus in Bangkok,
London and Disneyland.
373
00:16:27,469 --> 00:16:28,769
Sweetheart.
374
00:16:30,839 --> 00:16:32,372
Honey, I heard you were sick.
375
00:16:32,441 --> 00:16:33,441
Oh, yes, I am.
376
00:16:33,508 --> 00:16:35,342
Much too sick
to see your movie.
377
00:16:37,479 --> 00:16:39,547
Oh! Oh, poor baby.
378
00:16:39,614 --> 00:16:42,483
Valerie, I want to tell you
how happy you've made me.
379
00:16:42,551 --> 00:16:44,518
Something's opened within me.
380
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:46,787
We men have petals, too,
you know.
381
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:51,559
♪ A story told through time
382
00:16:54,028 --> 00:16:56,931
♪ happening in New York
383
00:16:59,133 --> 00:17:01,335
♪ he's a lemon
384
00:17:01,402 --> 00:17:04,371
♪ she's a lime
385
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,843
♪ beauty and king dork
386
00:17:11,112 --> 00:17:14,615
♪ he's Adam to her Eve
387
00:17:16,685 --> 00:17:20,320
♪ she's mindy to his mork
388
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:23,691
♪ her hair's like silk
389
00:17:23,758 --> 00:17:27,060
♪ he's had a weave
390
00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:31,331
♪ beauty and king dork
391
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,401
what did you say?
392
00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:35,903
Huh? Oh, I... I said,
393
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,872
how useful is the spork.
394
00:17:37,939 --> 00:17:39,607
You know,
that spoon-fork thing
395
00:17:39,674 --> 00:17:41,742
you get
at Kentucky fried chicken.
396
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,944
I covered that up pretty well.
397
00:17:47,616 --> 00:17:50,150
Sorry you missed
the screening of
kiss of death tonight.
398
00:17:50,218 --> 00:17:51,719
I'm a very sick man.
399
00:17:51,786 --> 00:17:54,522
Oh? Well, anyway,
they sent over
a cassette of the movie.
400
00:17:54,589 --> 00:17:56,256
Boss wants you
to review it tomorrow.
401
00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:58,959
No! No!
Oh, my shrink was right.
402
00:17:59,027 --> 00:18:00,694
God does hate me.
403
00:18:04,799 --> 00:18:07,067
Ah, come on.
How bad could she be?
404
00:18:07,135 --> 00:18:08,468
She's wonderful.
405
00:18:08,537 --> 00:18:10,137
♪
406
00:18:12,106 --> 00:18:14,441
Come on, baby, give me a kiss.
407
00:18:15,911 --> 00:18:18,412
Oh, I'll give you
a kiss, all right.
408
00:18:18,479 --> 00:18:20,447
A kiss of death.
409
00:18:20,515 --> 00:18:22,315
Hotchie-motchie.
410
00:18:22,383 --> 00:18:23,784
She's awful.
411
00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:26,720
"My darling, I'm going off
to review your movie.
412
00:18:26,788 --> 00:18:28,188
"If you're here
when I come back,
413
00:18:28,256 --> 00:18:30,090
"I'll know our love
really meant something.
414
00:18:30,158 --> 00:18:31,625
If you're not,
I'll know why."
415
00:18:33,595 --> 00:18:35,529
In case you are going...
416
00:18:38,266 --> 00:18:40,133
Yo! Get out of my way!
417
00:18:40,201 --> 00:18:42,803
Did you ever love
a woman so much that...
418
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,271
look at sign.
419
00:18:46,975 --> 00:18:48,275
Oh!
420
00:18:48,342 --> 00:18:50,343
Doris, I'm about to do a review
421
00:18:50,411 --> 00:18:52,212
that could cost me
the woman I love.
422
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,781
Gee, that's tough.
423
00:18:53,848 --> 00:18:57,384
Sometimes I think this job
isn't worth $271,000 a year.
424
00:18:57,452 --> 00:18:59,587
$271,000?
425
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,290
Put it out!
Put out my head!
426
00:19:03,357 --> 00:19:04,992
You did that on purpose.
427
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,595
So, what if I did?
I'm union.
428
00:19:07,662 --> 00:19:09,597
Welcome to coming attractions.
429
00:19:09,664 --> 00:19:11,264
Tonight we'll be reviewing
430
00:19:11,332 --> 00:19:13,333
family affair:
The motion picture.
431
00:19:13,401 --> 00:19:17,071
Just look who got $8 million
to play Mr. French.
432
00:19:18,707 --> 00:19:20,540
Buffy, Jody,
433
00:19:20,609 --> 00:19:22,109
for your lunch I have made
434
00:19:22,176 --> 00:19:24,078
peanut butter
and banana sandwiches.
435
00:19:24,145 --> 00:19:27,881
Would you make a sandwich
for my doll, Mrs. beasley?
436
00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,283
Yeah, sure. That's exactly
what I feel like doing.
437
00:19:30,351 --> 00:19:32,419
Of course I can get
together a little sandwich
438
00:19:32,487 --> 00:19:34,287
for your
stupid little doll.
Hang on a sec'.
439
00:19:34,355 --> 00:19:36,123
But first, we will be looking
440
00:19:36,190 --> 00:19:38,792
at the new romantic thriller,
kiss of death.
441
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,695
I'm afraid you can't review
this film
442
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:44,665
without reviewing
its lead actress, Valerie fox.
443
00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:47,167
She's a beautiful girl
and she tries her best.
444
00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:49,136
But God bless her sweet face,
445
00:19:49,203 --> 00:19:51,872
she just wasn't
very good this time.
446
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:55,475
But many actresses
started badly and got better.
447
00:19:55,543 --> 00:19:56,977
Brilliant even.
448
00:19:57,045 --> 00:19:58,545
Sally field,
449
00:19:58,613 --> 00:20:00,147
Cher,
450
00:20:00,214 --> 00:20:04,384
uh, those adorable
Olsen twins on full house.
451
00:20:04,452 --> 00:20:05,452
Oh.
452
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:06,586
On this t.V.,
453
00:20:06,655 --> 00:20:09,990
I do believe his nose
is bigger than my foot.
454
00:20:10,058 --> 00:20:12,059
Look. See?
Isn't that incredible?
455
00:20:14,328 --> 00:20:15,729
Please, you've got to tell me.
456
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,698
Did a beautiful woman
leave my apartment?
457
00:20:17,766 --> 00:20:18,766
I wouldn't know.
458
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:20,801
I've been drinking
in the alley all morning.
459
00:20:22,303 --> 00:20:25,072
Please be there.
Please be there.
Please be there.
460
00:20:26,507 --> 00:20:27,574
Valerie!
461
00:20:28,743 --> 00:20:30,410
You're still here.
462
00:20:30,478 --> 00:20:32,046
You're short, you're fat,
463
00:20:32,113 --> 00:20:34,481
and even for a film critic,
you're ugly.
464
00:20:38,419 --> 00:20:40,387
Oh, I see, you want me to beg.
465
00:20:40,454 --> 00:20:43,590
Well, there's one thing
you didn't count on,
I have no pride.
466
00:20:43,658 --> 00:20:45,959
Please, please, please.
467
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:48,428
Please, please.
468
00:20:53,201 --> 00:20:55,202
Denise, if you come back to me,
469
00:20:55,269 --> 00:20:57,071
I'll give up gambling for good.
470
00:20:57,138 --> 00:20:58,505
What a loser.
471
00:20:58,573 --> 00:21:01,075
Soon-yi, I... I swear
I didn't know
472
00:21:01,142 --> 00:21:02,776
she was your sister.
473
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:05,145
You know, a lot of people
think I'm a cynic,
474
00:21:05,213 --> 00:21:07,247
but I'm not.
You know why?
475
00:21:07,315 --> 00:21:09,983
Because I know
you're coming back to me.
476
00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:11,085
Now!
477
00:21:12,253 --> 00:21:13,253
Now!
478
00:21:14,655 --> 00:21:15,689
Now.
479
00:21:22,613 --> 00:21:24,965
I thought you were
taking Kathy out tonight.
480
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,666
Why do they call it
"taking out"?
481
00:21:26,735 --> 00:21:29,136
I took her to a restaurant.
It wasn't out, it was in.
482
00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:30,537
I would say I'm taking her in,
483
00:21:30,605 --> 00:21:32,372
but then she sounds
like a pair of pants.
484
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,707
Whoa! Oh!
485
00:21:35,744 --> 00:21:37,510
Why aren't you laughing, dad?
486
00:21:37,578 --> 00:21:39,546
This is how people
actually talk.
487
00:21:39,614 --> 00:21:41,681
I'm sitting on top
of a volcano of rage
488
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,516
and I've got nowhere
to direct it.
489
00:21:44,485 --> 00:21:45,919
There's a critic's screening
490
00:21:45,987 --> 00:21:48,355
of the new Sylvester Stallone
movie tonight.
491
00:21:48,422 --> 00:21:49,489
What's it about?
492
00:21:49,557 --> 00:21:50,523
Let's see.
493
00:21:50,591 --> 00:21:51,959
He plays
a concert pianist who...
494
00:21:52,026 --> 00:21:53,727
to the multiplex!
495
00:21:53,795 --> 00:21:54,828
Yeah!
496
00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:47,563
Celebrity voices
are impersonated.
497
00:22:47,631 --> 00:22:50,867
No celebrities were harmed
in the filming
of this episode.
498
00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:56,940
Excuse me, sir,
the show's over.
499
00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:59,176
Get away,
zit-face.
500
00:23:00,611 --> 00:23:01,544
Shh.