Chandler! Chandler!
I saw what you were doing through the window.
I saw what you were doing to my sister, now, get out here!
Well, listen, we had a good run.
You know? What was it? Four, five months?
I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime.
So goodbye, take care, bye-bye then.
- What are you doing? - Oh, I'm going on the lam.
Come on, Chandler. Come on. I can handle Ross.
Hold on.
Hey, Ross. What's up, bro?
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, what's going on?
Well, I think... I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Dude, he's right there.
I thought you were my best friend. This is my sister.
My best friend and my sister. I cannot believe this.
We're not just messing around. I love her.
Okay? I'm in love with her.
I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way.
I'm sorry, but it's true. I love him too.
My best friend and my sister.
I cannot believe this.
You guys want to probably get some hugs in too, huh? Big news.
Oh, no, that's okay. We've actually known for a while.
What? What? You guys knew?
You all knew and you didn't tell me?
Well, Ross, we were worried about you, okay?
We didn't know how you were going to react.
JOEY: Mm-mm.
You were worried about me?
You didn't know how I was gonna react?
Okay. All right. Whew.
What do you say we all, uh, clear out of here...
...and let these two love birds get back down to business.
Hey, hey, hey. I'm just talking here. He's the one doing your sister.
Hey, you know what I just realized?
- If you guys ever have kids... - Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're having kids?
I call godfather.
You can't just call godfather.
Don't you think her brother should be godfather?
Sure. If you cared enough to call it first.
- Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us. - Yeah, big zero-gravity moon steps.
Oh, oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.
Oh, I'll go in on that with you. I couldn't think of anything.
Hey, Katie.
- Hey, everyone, this is Katie. - Hi.
ALL: Hi. JOEY: You ready to go?
- Yeah, just gotta run to the bathroom. - Sure.
- Hey, where are we going to lunch? - I was thinking maybe Chinese food.
I love Chinese.
How did you know I love Chinese?
[JOEY CHUCKLES]
She is so cute.
You could fit her right in your little pocket.
I don't know. I mean, I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but...
But what?
She keeps punching me.
In the cute little, sweet way she just did?
Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks, okay?
She's hurting me.
I know what you need. You need a bodyguard.
Hey, Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Okay, come on, Joey is having a problem. There's a little girl who's beating him up.
Aw, Joey, come here. Look.
Honey, I know. This must be really, really difficult for you, and...
Oh, I'm sorry, am I hurting you?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Hey. - Hey.
- I brought you some housewarming gifts. - Oh.
- Salt, so your life always has flavor. - Ah.
- Bread, so you never go hungry. - Oh.
And a scented candle for the bathroom.
Because, well, you know.
Well, thanks. Thanks. And thanks, I guess.
Hi. Welcome to the building. I'm Steve Cera, President of the tenants' committee.
Oh, hi. Ross Geller. And, uh, this is my friend Phoebe.
- Hi, Phoebe. - Mr. President.
I, uh, came to talk to you about Howard.
Howard?
Yeah, he's the handyman. He's gonna be retiring next week...
...and everyone who lives here is kicking in a hundred bucks...
...as a "thank you for all the hard work" type of thing.
- Oh, that's nice. - Yeah.
So you want to give me a check, or?
Oh, uh...
You don't have to give it to me now. You can slip it under my door.
No, no, it's not that. It's just... I just moved in.
Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.
Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.
Oh.
Okay, I get it.
Wait. Look, I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard.
I mean, I don't know Howard.
Howard's the handyman.
Yes, but to me he's just "man."
Okay. Fine. Whatever.
Welcome to the building.
[SCOFFS]
Can you believe that guy?
Yeah. I really like his glasses.
So then President Steve told everyone I was a cheapskate...
...and now the whole building hates me.
A little kid spit on my knee.
You know what? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right, for everyone in the building.
And I'm gonna sit them all down and explain to them that I am not a bad guy.
I am not a cheap guy. I'm just a guy...
...who stands up for what he believes in.
A man with principles.
- Sounds like a fun party. RACHEL: Mm.
Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you...
...why don't you just pay the hundred bucks?
- A party's gonna cost you way more. - That doesn't matter.
It's my principles. We're talking about my principles.
Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.
Oh, they'll like me once they come to my awesome par-tay.
Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags.
[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]
And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.
Very, very funny. But don't say things like that in from of Monica.
I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.
Um, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas...
...are probably already in Monica's head?
Why?
Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
Yeah, so? What's that supposed to mean?
Hey, Chandler, don't freak out. I'm telling you something you already know.
Come on. She broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies.
And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and, you know, it's Monica.
I don't see it that way. Okay? I see two Monicas:
The one that was my friend who lives across the hall and wanted a lot of babies.
And the new Monica who I started to date. Now, who is to say what she wants?
I'm right. I'm right. Am I right?
Yeah, you're right.
You are absolutely right. I mean, that makes everything different.
Okay.
It's not different, is it?
Not unless "different" means the same.
You were so funny with that waiter. You're such a nut.
You know, breadstick fangs are always funny.
No, you make them funny. You're the funny one.
Uh, look, Katie, uh, listen, we need to talk, okay?
Um, look, I like you. I really do. I like you a lot, okay?
But sometimes when you playfully punch me like that...
...it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny, but a very real bat.
Oh. Like I could hurt you.
- Are you making fun of my size? - No.
Don't make fun of me because of my size.
- Isn't this great? - Mm.
Couldn't you just stay like this forever?
Chandler?
Couldn't you just stay here forever?
Yeah, here, somewhere else. You know, wherever. Ha, ha.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm cool.
Casual.
What are you doing?
Just hanging out. Having fun, you know, uh, with the girl that I'm seeing casually.
Man, I knew it. I knew you were going to do this.
What?
Get all freaked out because everybody was joking around about marriage.
Well, you do want all that stuff, right?
And you know what I want?
Yes. You want babies. You have baby fever.
I do not have baby fever.
Oh, please. You are obsessed with babies and marriage...
...and everything that's related to babies and marriage.
You know what? Why don't we turn the heat down on this pressure cooker?
Have you lost your mind?
Chandler, this isn't about me.
This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap.
Uh-uh. I know you, okay? I know the thoughts that you have in your head.
Well, you don't know everything.
Did you know I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm?
And that the only baby around here is you?
And did you know I can't even look at you right now?
Yeah, well, I did not know that.
It's gonna be okay, right? I mean, she's not gonna leave me. This is fixable.
- Yeah, sure. - Absolutely.
- By me? - Oh, no, no, no.
Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.
JOEY: Yeah, big, though.
Shh. The missus.
MONICA: Gunther, can I get a coffee?
To go.
CHANDLER: Monica...
I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.
Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.
- What? - That's what we do.
I mess up, you tell me how to fix it and I do.
And then, you know, you think I'm all cute again.
I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor.
You're gonna have to figure this out for yourself.
You know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship...
...then don't be in one.
[FATBOY SLIM'S "FUNK SOUL BROTHER" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Right about now Funk soul brother
Check it out now Funk soul brother
Right about now Funk soul brother
[MUSIC STOPS]
NEIGHBORS [CHANTING]: Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard!
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Phoebe. Phoebe.
Oh, hi, Ross.
[ALL CHEERING]
What are you doing here?
Oh, I thought this was your party, and it turns out it's a party for Howard.
He's the sweetest little man.
See you, Phoebe. Oh, and, hey, thanks for chipping in.
Oh, sure.
You chipped in?
Yeah, uh-huh, hundred dollars.
Phoebe, I can't believe you gave him money.
I thought you agreed it was unreasonable that they asked me for that money.
Yeah, but they didn't ask me, you know?
This way I'm just, you know, the exotic, generous stranger.
That's always fun to be.
Yeah, but you're making me look bad.
No, I'm not. No, if anything, I'm making you look better.
They'll see you talking to me, and I'm a hit.
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
Oh, hey, Ross.
Um, say, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments.
Because Phoebe is more our kind of people.
Something to think about it.
Yeah, okay, my bad.
JOEY: Hey. - Hi.
Wow. You look big.
Thanks, I've been working out.
Hey, listen, is it obvious I'm wearing six sweaters?
Uh, yeah.
But it's not obvious why.
Well, look, I'm breaking up with Katie, so I had to put on some extra padding.
You know, I mean, if she hits me when she's happy...
...can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me...
...when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?
JOEY: Hey.
Hey. Hey, cute jacket.
Oh, thanks.
- That's so sweet. - Whoa. Ow.
[RACHEL CHUCKLES]
Oh, "Ow."
Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys are too much.
Whoa. Ha, ha.
You know what? I gotta tell you...
...I think you're the one that is too much.
[KATIE CHUCKLES]
Joey has the nicest friends.
And the nicest girlfriend.
You're so sweet.
- You're so sweet. - Ow!
KATIE: Joey?
She just kicked me.
Huh.
Well, aren't you gonna do something?
Uh...
You better do something or I'm gonna walk out that door right now.
Well, are you gonna?
Nah.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
- Phoebe? - Ha, ha. That's what I was saying.
Phoebe? Phoebe?
This is a disaster. Can't I please just go?
I'm talking you up to people.
Just give it a little time, all right? Relax. Get something to eat.
So, uh, what did you tell them about me?
Um, I told them about you and Emily. You know, trying to get some sympathy.
But somehow you came off as the bad guy.
- What? - Yeah, I think I told it wrong.
We should talk about that...
...because I don't totally understand what happened there.
Oh. This cake is really good.
Okay, see? Things are looking up already.
Oh, my God. Someone cut Howard's cake.
Who would do a thing like that?
3-B.
[ALL GRUMBLING]
Okay, you got your free food, you ruined everyone's fun.
- Don't you think it's time you went home? ALL: Yeah.
Yeah, go back to 3-B, 3-B.
All right, everyone, calm down. Everyone, calm down.
I have something that I would like to say.
Who here likes Ross?
Of course you don't like him.
He didn't give you any money.
He raised his own hand when I asked, "Who here likes Ross?"
And he's wearing two nametags.
I'll be honest with you guys. When I first met Ross, I didn't like him at all.
But then once I got to know him, I saw that he's really sweet...
...and caring and very generous.
I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him, all right?
You know, I like all of you guys now. But when I first met you, you know...
Kurt? I thought, you know, abrasive drunk.
Um, Lola, mind-numbingly stupid.
And, okay, you guys: Gold digger, cradle-robbing perv.
So I think you all know what I mean.
Obviously, I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things.
I just thought if I kept insulting them you would jump in and defend everyone.
Then you could look like the hero.
Oh, wow, yeah.
See, I did not get that.
Where's Monica? Where is she? I need to talk to her, it's urgent. Is she here?
- I'm Monica. - I need to talk to you. It's urgent.
- Okay. - Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking...
...about us. You know, a lot of, uh, "us" thinking.
And, uh, well, I guess there's only one way to do this.
- Wait, wait. What are you doing? - Monica...
No, no, no. Don't do it.
Will you marry me?
ROSS: Oh, no, no, no. JOEY: What a bad idea.
Oh, I can't not look at it.
Chandler, why are you doing this?
I don't know.
But I know I'm not afraid to do this.
Chandler.
I'm doing this because I'm sorry?
Do you, um, really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Oh, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy.
Sorry is pretty much fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.
[CHUCKLES]
Will you be my wife?
Chandler, um, I want you to take just a minute...
...and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.
Yeah, I'm kind of wishing everyone wasn't here right now.
You know that none of that stuff came from me.
I mean, I never said that I wanted to have babies and get married right now.
Yeah, I know, I was really confused, and then I talked to these guys.
Who? Two divorces and Joey?
- Hey. - She's right, you know.
Yeah, but still, cheap shot.
You know when I said that I want you...
...to deal with relationship stuff all on your own?
- Well, you're not ready for that. - I didn't think I was.
Oh, my God.
What would you have done if I had said yes?
Well, I would've been happy because...
...I would have been able spend the rest of my life with the woman I love.
Or you would have seen a Chandler-shaped hole in that door.
- Hey, Ross, will you pass me that knife? - No, I will not.
It's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.
You're right. I'm sorry. Will you marry me?
Oh, and I was going to ask you to marry me...
...because I forgot to say hello to you last week.
Oh, no, wait, Pheebs. I think with something like that...
...you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure. Chandler?
Ha, ha, okay, how long is this gonna go on?
Well, I think the length of teasing...
...is directly related to how insane you were.
So a long time.
This is fun. Oh, hey, Rach, remember that whole "we were on a break" thing?
Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me?
[ROSS LAUGHS]
ALL: That's not funny.
[English - US - SDH]