- Hey. CHANDLER & MONICA: Hey.
- What are you guys doing up? - We wanted to finish the crossword before bed.
Do you know a six-letter word for "red"?
Dark-red.
I think that's wrong, but there's a connect-the-dots in here for you later.
Hey, how, uh, about maroon?
- Yes! You are so smart! - Ha-ha-ha.
JOEY: Aw.
You guys are so cute.
I know.
All right. I'll see you in the morning.
BOTH: Okay.
You know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you, honey.
Oh, me too.
- Now, let's finish this and go to bed. - Okay.
There's only one left.
Three-letter word. Not dog, but...
Cat.
Yes. Ha.
You are so smart!
I love you.
I love you too.
[MONICA CHUCKLES]
RACHEL: Uh.
We still need a tip.
All right. Hold on.
I got it.
Nickel.
- How much more do we need? - Couple of bucks.
Okay, dime.
You guys should probably keep talking. This could take a while.
Wait, lookit!
Whoa!
Oh, my God. This is a police badge!
Oh, cool. But why would a cop come in here? They don't serve doughnuts. Ha.
Can you discover the badge again?
I think I can come up with something better than that.
I bet somebody's missing that badge.
I should take it back. Ooh, but while I'm at the police station...
...I could check their Ten Most Wanted list.
My friend Fritzi's been Number 11 forever. This could be her year!
- Hey, you guys. MONICA: Hey, Joey.
- Hey. - Hey.
Is that my sweatshirt?
Yes, it is. I'm sorry. I borrowed it. I was cold. I hope it's okay.
It's just that, uh, if you wear someone's sweatshirt...
...shouldn't it be your boyfriend's?
And I'm not him.
I'm sorry. I'll give it back.
No, no. No.
It's going to be all smelling like Monica.
Are you saying I smell bad?
No.
You smell like a meadow.
I'm sorry.
What's with him?
The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.
[GROANS]
I still don't know.
I'm sorry, I just want to make sure I bought the right couch, one that says:
"Kids welcome here," but that also says
"Come here to me."
What? You say that to kids?
No, no, no.
The "Come here to me" is, you know, for the ladies.
Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, not a magic couch.
Well, you picked a great couch.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Sign here please. - Sure.
Oh, what's, heh...?
The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!
That's ridiculous. He lives three blocks away.
You know what? I'll take it myself. Thank you.
All right, Rach, come on. Let's go.
RACHEL: Yeah.
[ROSS MOANS]
[LAUGHS]
Are you kidding?
Come on. It's only three blocks. Uh, it's not very heavy. Try it.
[RACHEL GRUNTS]
- Oh, I can do it. - Yeah.
You two will really enjoy that couch.
We're, uh, not together.
Oh, okay. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
Something didn't quite add up there.
Ross.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Ross.
Well, you. Her. Heh.
I mean, she's very...
...you know.
And you're, like...
...you know?
Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
Really? You two?
Yeah. Rach?
I don't want to do this now. I'm carrying a heavy couch.
Then tell him quickly.
Fine. We went out.
Not only did we go out...
...we did it 298 times!
Ross.
Oh, my...
Ugh, you kept count? You are such a loser!
A loser you did it with 298 times!
Oh. Oh!
Excuse me, ma'am. You can't put your cigarette out on a tree.
Yeah, I can. It worked well.
But you shouldn't. So don't ever do that again.
I won't till I have my next cigarette.
Hold it!
NYPD. Freeze, punk!
What?
That's right. You are so busted.
Book them.
- Who are you talking to? - Save it, red!
Unless you want to spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
I am not going to apologize to a tree.
You apologize to the tree right now, or I am calling for backup.
Backup! Backup!
I'm sorry! Sorry!
Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!
ROSS: Okay.
Didn't you say there was, um, an elevator in here?
Uh, yes, I did, but there isn't. Here we go!
Okay, go left.
Left. Left.
Okay, you know what? There's no more left left.
Lift it straight up over your head.
Straight up over your head. You can do it!
You can do it!
- Okay. You got it? - Yeah.
- Go, go. - Good, good.
You got it, right? You got it, right? You got...
[RACHEL SCREAMS]
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
Any chance you think the couch looks good there?
This guy was all...
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
And I'm all, "Buffay! Homicide!"
It was just so cool! Ha-ha-ha.
Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back.
I know, but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You can get arrested.
You could get arrested right now!
All right, yeah, I'd better take it back. I'm totally drunk with power.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh.
Hi, Joe.
Yeah. I didn't know you guys were gonna be here.
- Do me a favor, sweetie. Taste this. - What? Why?
- What is going on with you? - Nothing.
You've been acting strange all day.
All right. There is something. I, uh...
I kind of had a dream.
But I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, whoa. What if Martin Luther King had said that?
I kind of have a dream.
I don't want to talk about it.
Look, it involved Monica.
You had a dream about a girl I'm seeing? Oh, that is so cool.
I can't tell you how many times I dreamt about a girl he was seeing.
Anyway, we were talking about your dream. I love you. Your dream?
Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it. I haven't dreamt about her like that...
...since I found out about you two-ish.
[LAUGHS]
What was the dream about?
Well, okay.
You were my girlfriend. We were doing the crossword puzzle.
Like you guys were doing last night.
So that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.
Joey, come on. That doesn't mean that you're in love with me.
It doesn't?
It could mean anything. Like, uh...
...all of a sudden you're jealous that I've become the apartment stud.
Kind of sounds like your dream, dude.
Or it could mean you saw Chandler and me together, being close and stuff...
...and you just wanna have that with someone too.
In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
Okay, look.
Are you attracted to Monica?
Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
- Not really. - There you have it!
Heh. Well, sure! I'm just wearing sweats!
But that's good!
You're not in love with me. You just want a girlfriend.
No, I don't think it's just about getting a girlfriend.
Yeah, I could get a girlfriend.
Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crossword puzzles.
But are we ever gonna have the closeness like you guys have?
Monica and I were friends before we started dating. Maybe that's it.
Friends first?
That's interesting.
- You become friends after? - No, never done that either.
Um, do you guys have a tape measure?
Oh, yeah. It's actually in my bedroom.
[CHUCKLES]
That's right.
What's up, Joey?
How you doing?
PHOEBE: Excuse me. Is this your car? - Yeah.
Well, I don't think it's nice of you to park here. You're blocking the entrance.
Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
It's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you because I'm a cop.
So am I.
Oh, no.
Oh, okay. So you're a cop. You can park anywhere.
I know that because I'm a cop too.
All right. Keep up the good work. Ten-four.
Wait a second. So, what precinct are you with?
I'm with the, um, the 57th.
- I know a guy in Homicide up there. - I'm in Vice.
In fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
Who else is in Vice up there?
Um, do you know, um...
...Sipowitz?
Sipowitz? No, I don't think so.
Yeah. Sipowitz. Yeah. Big guy, kind of bald.
I don't know him.
Don't try to call him or anything. Because he's not there. He's out.
His, um, partner just died.
Tell Sipowitz I'm real sorry for his loss.
I sure will. Take care.
Hey, by the way, I'm sure Sipowitz is gonna be all right.
I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good.
Where'd you find my badge?
Oh!
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
Aw, I'd love to but I got acting class. But you know what?
I guess I could blow that off for you.
Thanks.
Uh, let me ask you something. I was talking with Monica and Chandler.
Boy, they are really tight.
I know.
That's not a bad situation they got over there.
Mm-mm.
Thinking of getting me one of those.
What's up, Joe?
The reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great...
...is because they were friends first, you know?
So I asked myself, who are my friends? You and Phoebe.
I saw you first, so...
RACHEL: Heh. - Mm-hm.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
You know, honey, um...
...as, uh, flattered as I am...
...that you saw me first...
...uh, I just don't think we should be cranking anything up.
I'll treat you real nice.
Oh!
Yeah. Well, you know, um...
Listen, I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date.
But I think the way you do it is you meet someone, become their friend...
...build a foundation, then ask them out on a date.
Don't hit on your existing friends.
Won't that take longer?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, but once you find it...
...it's so worth the wait.
Yeah.
I understand.
RACHEL: Good.
Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first.
Come here to me.
No, no. You come here to me.
Hey, Ross.
- Ahem, I brought reinforcements. - Oh, great! You brought Joey?
I brought the next best thing. Heh.
Hey.
You brought Chandler? The next best thing would be Monica!
I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so...
Look, I drew a sketch of how we'll do it.
Rach, that's you.
That's the couch.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, that's me.
Wow.
Certainly think a lot of yourself.
No. That's my arm.
Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
Just follow my lead.
Okay.
ROSS: Come on, Chandler.
Ah.
- All right. CHANDLER: Okay.
ROSS: Here we go.
All right. Ready?
CHANDLER: Yeah. RACHEL: Yeah.
ROSS: Turn! CHANDLER: Okay.
ROSS: Turn!
- I don't think we can turn anymore! RACHEL: I don't think it'll fit!
ROSS: Yeah, it will. Come on! Up, up, up!
Up! Yes!
Here we go! Pivot!
Pivot!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I don't think it's gonna pivot anymore.
BOTH: You think?
All right, let's, uh, bring it back down and try again.
Oh.
RACHEL: Whoa.
[GRUNTS]
I think it's really stuck now.
- I can't believe that didn't work. - I know. Me neither.
I mean, you had a sketch.
What did you mean when you said "pivot"?
- Hey. RACHEL: Hey.
How's it going? Did you make any new friends?
Yeah. I met this woman.
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
What's she like?
Uh, well, she's...
...really good in bed.
I thought you were going to try to be friends first.
- Hey, it's all your fault. - What? Why?
You didn't give me advice. You gave me a pickup line.
I told her I wanted to "build a foundation and be friends."
Suddenly, through no fault of my own, I became irresistible to her!
And her roommate!
What about the "closeness"?
Closeness, schmosness! There was three of us, for crying out loud!
Who wants pizza?
I do! I do! I do!
This is great! Can you believe I found this on the second floor?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Who is it? OFFICER: NYPD.
PHOEBE: Oh, my God! JOEY: Oh, my God.
Uh, just a minute, officer!
OFFICER: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay. - My God, it's him! It's that cop!
- I can't believe he found me! - Are you going to go to jail?
If I'm going down, you guys are going down with me.
Harboring a fugitive? That's one-to-three years minimum.
Good luck, Chandler.
You can arrest me, but you'll never make it stick and you know it.
I kind of don't have a choice, it's my job. You understand, right?
Yeah, as long as you understand that I'm gonna call my lawyer.
And once he puts you on the stand, he's gonna make you look like a fool! Like a fool!
I don't like looking foolish.
Maybe, uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
I would love it if I weren't here!
Since, um, you're not going to jail tonight, I was wondering if you'd, um...
...like to go to dinner with me?
- Me? OFFICER: Yeah.
Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kind of can't stop thinking about you.
You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
[IN UNISON] Nice.
Wow, I didn't see that coming. You're asking me out.
Yeah, I could've done it better, but these people keep staring at me.
Um, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, officer.
- Gary. - Gary.
- Okay, so it's a date. PHOEBE: Yeah.
I gotta ask you, though. How did you know where to find me?
Your fingerprints were all over my badge so I ran them through the computer.
This was listed as your last known address so I checked it out.
Oh, impressive.
Not as impressive as you. I looked at your record and you've done some weird stuff.
We'll talk at dinner.
Okay.
So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
- All right, I can't wait. - Okay.
Don't worry, I won't just take you out for doughnuts.
[LAUGHS]
He has a gun!
I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
You want to return this couch?
It's cut in half.
- That's what I'm telling you. - Did you cut this couch in half?
This couch is cut in half!
I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half.
You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?
Look, I'm a reasonable man.
I will accept store credit.
I'll give you store credit in the amount of $4.
I will take it.
[English - US - SDH]