Hey. You're not gonna believe this.
I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy.
They printed it. Yeah.
I didn't know they prints jokes.
They print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism.
It's not just about the pictures.
It didn't work on Mom, it's not gonna work on us.
Here, check it out. It's the first one too.
Right there.
GROUP: Ha, ha.
CHANDLER: That is funny.
It was also funny when I made it up.
- What? - I made that joke up.
Uh, oh, oh. No, you didn't. I did.
Uh, uh, oh. Yes, I did. I told Dan and he said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.
Hey, tell Dan thanks.
[LAUGHING]
What?
I'm sorry. I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny.
Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
- No. - Seriously?
You tell a lot of jokes.
Look, it's my joke.
But if it makes you feel any better, they don't print the name.
So it doesn't really matter who gets credit.
Yeah, I guess.
- Hey, guys. - Joey, Playboy printed my joke!
No, it's mine! It's my joke. Call them! They'll tell you!
- My joke! - My joke!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Jokes? What...?
You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?
Dude! You have got to turn on Behind The Music.
The band Heart is having a really tough time and they may break up.
Let's watch that at your place.
Monica's watching a show. I don't want to miss when they were skinny.
Hey, Chandler. You know what we should do?
You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
What? No, I want to watch this.
- Did your cable go out? - No. No, that's VH1.
I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today...
...it's a lot of noise to me.
Why is your cable out?
Uh... Oh, because I haven't really paid the bill. Heh, heh.
If you need money, would you please let me loan you some money?
No, Chandler. Forget about it, okay?
I know things have been tight since Janine moved out. God, was she hot.
- Whoa. - I know, yeah.
Look, I can handle it, all right? I can listen to the radio.
And Ross gave me this great book.
Want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
Sure.
- Paid your phone bill? - Not so much.
- Hey. MONICA & RACHEL: Oh.
It's only you.
- What are you doing? - We are looking at a Playboy.
I want to look too!
Yikes!
Do you think these pictures are trying to tell a story?
Sure. Like in the case of this young woman...
...she has lost her clothes.
So she rides naked on the horse, she's crying out, "Where are they? Where are they?"
She's not gonna find them, lying in the grass like that.
PHOEBE: Oh. Yeah.
Remember the days when you'd go out to the barn...
...lift up your shirt and bend over? RACHEL: Yeah.
You see, now, I would date this girl.
She's cute, she's outdoorsy.
And she knows how to build a fire. That'll come in handy.
I got a question.
If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
- I don't know. - Me neither.
Rachel.
What?
I don't know.
Me neither.
You know, you forget how many great songs Heart had.
CHANDLER: Yeah.
"Barracuda" was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
So you heard it, you repeated it...
...so that must mean you wrote it.
Oh, you guys with this joke. Well, I gotta say...
...I know I cracked up, but I'm not even sure I got it.
What?
You didn't get it?
The doctor is a monkey.
[BOTH LAUGH]
And monkeys can't write out prescriptions.
[CHANDLER & ROSS LAUGHING]
You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
Your joke?
Well, I think the Hef would disagree.
Which is why he sent me a check...
...for $100.
So you stole my joke and you stole my money?
I was gonna stick it in the ATM.
But now I think I'll show the sexy teller...
...that I am a published writer.
Well, she'll know that you stole the joke.
You gonna follow me down there?
- Yeah. - I'm not gonna go now.
Okay.
- Here you go. - Oh.
Ah.
Uh, Gunther?
I can't pay for this now, because I'm not working.
I've had to cut down on some luxuries like...
...paying for stuff, so...
Well, if you want, you can work here.
Uh, I don't know.
It's just...
See, I was a regular on a soap opera, you know?
And to go from that to this, it's just...
And plus, I'd have to wait on all my friends.
Okay. But the money's good.
Plus, you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
What?
Flexible hours.
Maybe I could be a waiter.
Could I use the phone?
She picked Rachel.
She tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
He took my joke. He just took it.
This is wrong. You know what else is wrong?
Phoebe picking Rachel.
You know who else picked Rachel? Ross.
You know what else Ross did? He stole my joke.
I'm gonna get a joke journal, you know?
And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Good idea. Know what's a bad idea?
- Picking Rachel. - That's right.
[THUD]
Did you hear something?
Maybe it's the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
It's coming from the living room.
I finished my book.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
Don't you guys look cute.
You guys make a cute couple.
Monica, what are you doing?
Just trying to re-create some of the fun that we had at my place the other day.
Remember? When you picked Rachel over me?
That was funny. Ha, ha, ha.
- It was kind of funny. - It wasn't funny at all!
Why would you do that?
Why didn't you pick me?
Fine.
The reason I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you...
...is just, you know, you're...
...high maintenance. Let's go to lunch.
That is completely untrue.
You think I'm high maintenance? Prove it.
You write out a list, and we'll go through it point by point.
No, you're right, you're easygoing.
You're just not as easygoing as Rachel. She's just more...
...flexible and mellow. That's all.
Well, people are different.
Yeah, Rachel will do whatever you want. You can just walk all over her.
What? Are you saying, that I'm a pushover? I'm not a pushover.
Oh, okay. You're not a pushover.
You think I'm a pushover. Well, watch this.
You're not invited to lunch!
What do you think? I think that's pretty strong.
Come on, Monica, let's go to lunch.
Pssh.
You start working on that list.
- I cannot believe her. - I know. Where do you want to eat?
- Oh... Oh, I love that Japanese place. - I'm sick of Japanese. Not going there.
- Wherever you want to go is cool. - All right.
Oh, hey, Gunther...
...check this out.
[GUNTHER LAUGHING]
Yeah. Man, that Chandler cracks me up.
Hey, Ross, you want anything to drink? I'm heading up there.
- Yeah. I'll take a coffee. Thanks. - Sure.
- Coffee? - No.
Coffee? I'm going up there.
- RACHEL: No. - No, thank you.
You need anything? I'm heading up there.
I'd love ice water.
You got it.
Joey, what are you doing?
Just being friendly.
Joey, you're not supposed to go back there.
No, it's okay. Right, Gunther?
Don't wink at me.
And put on your apron.
Okay. Heh, heh.
I don't see you asking other paying customers to put on aprons.
- Joey, do you work here? - No.
- Waiter. - Yeah!
Joey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell us you work here?
Uh...
It's kind of embarrassing. I mean, I was an actor, now I'm a waiter.
It's supposed to go in the other direction.
So's your apron. You're wearing it like a cape.
I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know?
I guess if I'm hanging out here, I might as well get paid for it. Right?
I just feel kind of weird serving you guys, you know?
MONICA: It'll be great.
Come on, I did it and it was fine.
Why would it be weird?
Hey, Joey? Can I get some coffee?
Okay. It doesn't seem that weird.
Seriously, I asked before. You still haven't gotten it.
See, now it's weird again.
I think it's great. You're gonna make a lot of money. Here's your first tip.
Don't eat yellow snow. Ha, ha, ha.
2: 15, coffeehouse.
This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass my wisdom to.
Let me tell you some things I learned working at the coffeehouse.
First, the customer is always right.
A smile goes a long way.
And if anyone is ever rude to you, sneeze muffin.
Thanks, Rach.
Hey, look, you guys are just terrific, you know?
How about clearing out so I can get some new customers, huh?
It's all about turnover.
Joey.
Seriously, can I get my coffee?
I'm sorry, Ross. I'll get it right now.
And since you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin.
Phoebe, we'd like to talk to you.
Okay.
So, maybe I am a little high maintenance.
And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover.
But you know what we decided you are?
We are sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Ha!
That's true, I am flaky.
So, what, you're just okay with being flaky?
Yeah, totally.
Then I'm okay with being high maintenance.
Yeah. And I am okay with being a pushover.
That's great. Good for you guys.
- I am not high maintenance! - I am not a pushover!
- Who said you were? BOTH: You did!
I'm flaky. I'll say anything.
JOEY: Hey, Gunther.
Can you cover for me? I got an audition.
No, I'm leaving to get my hair dyed.
Really? I like your natural color.
It's a great part. Check it out. I'm the lead guy's best friend.
I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen.
"I'm sorry, that seat's saved."
- That's the whole part? - Okay, maybe he's not his best friend, but...
Okay, I'll see you in an hour.
Oh, man.
I could totally get that part. "I'm sorry, this seat is taken."
- Excuse me. - No, I didn't mean you.
But you believed me, huh?
I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
So you'd hire me, right?
For what?
Exactly! All right, everybody listen up!
The coffeehouse will be closed for about an hour.
CUSTOMERS: What?
It's for the kids.
Yeah, to keep the kids off drugs.
Yeah. It's a very important issue in this month's Playboy.
I'm sure you all read about it.
- It's my joke. - It's my joke.
BOTH: It's my joke.
I don't think we're gonna settle this.
- No. Let's have Monica decide. - Yeah.
- Hey, Mon! - Mon, get out here!
ROSS: Monica? CHANDLER: Okay.
You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Why do I have to?
- You're the only one that can be fair. - Yeah.
I can't be. You're my boyfriend.
But I'm your brother. We're family.
That's the most important thing in the world.
Don't try to sway her.
I'm your only chance to have a baby.
- Okay, let's go. - All right.
We'll each tell you how we came up with the joke...
...then you decide which one of us is telling the truth. Me.
Chandler, you go first.
I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
- Did I meet him at Christmas? - Can I finish my story?
Do you want me to pick you?
See, I would never snap at you like that.
[MOUTHING] Two babies.
- Continue. CHANDLER: Okay.
Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And his doctor's name is Dr. Mompey.
I said, "Dr. Monkey?" And that is how the whole Dr. Monkey thing came up.
Are you kidding?
Okay, look, I study evolution.
Remember? Evolution.
Monkey into man.
Plus, I'm a doctor. And...
...I had a monkey.
I'm Dr. Monkey!
- I'm not arguing with that. MONICA: All right.
I've heard enough. I've made my decision.
CHANDLER: Oh! ROSS: Okay, so what...? Do tell.
You are both idiots.
The joke is not funny, and it's offensive to women.
And doctors. And monkeys.
You shouldn't argue over who gets credit.
You should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world.
Now, let it go.
The joke sucks.
[DOOR SLAMS]
- It's your joke. - It is not.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- Oh, my God, Chandler, there you are. - Hi.
Hey, it's Phoebe and Rachel.
Why don't you tell them...
...what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance.
Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady.
Being with her has been like being on a vacation.
And what may be perceived as high maintenance...
...is merely attention to detail...
...and...
...generosity of spirit.
Wow. You know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever heard.
Really? I've heard better.
Wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
I'm out of words. Should I say it again?
Look, I am not high maintenance!
I am not. Chandler!
You're high maintenance.
[GASPS]
You are on my list!
Look, I'm sorry, but you're not...
You're not easygoing, but you're passionate.
And that's good.
And when you get upset about little things, I think I'm pretty good...
...at making you feel better about that.
That's good too. They say you're high maintenance...
...but it's okay, because I like...
...maintaining you.
I didn't even tell him to say that.
MONICA: Aw. CHANDLER: Okay.
- All right, you're off my list. - I'm off the list.
Phoebe?
It's okay that you don't want me to be your girlfriend.
Because I have the best boyfriend.
You know, suddenly I find you very attractive.
CHANDLER: How'd the audition go?
Oh, not good. No.
I didn't get the part. And I lost my job here, so...
Wow, that is a bad audition.
Well, how did you lose your job here?
I had the audition...
...but Gunther said I had to stay so he could get his hair dyed.
So I went anyway, and he fired me.
He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand...
...and left you in charge when you've been here two days?
That's not right.
What are you gonna do?
Joey, you can't let him get away with that.
I won't let him get away with that. I'm gonna say something to him...
I really shouldn't say anything. No, I should say something to him!
Gunther? I want you to give Joey his job back.
- That is really not fair that you have to fire him... - Okay.
- What? - He can have his job back.
That's right, he can have his job back.
Glad we got that all straightened out.
RACHEL: There you go, Joey.
- Got your job back. - That's great. Thanks, Rach.
Pretty nice, huh? Now who's a pushover?
- Rach, you're in my seat. - I'm sorry.
Hey, I never got to hear who you'd pick to be your girlfriend.
- I'd pick you, Phoebe. - Yeah, definitely you, Pheebs.
Yeah, I kind of thought.
MONICA [MOUTHING]: Never. - It would totally be you.
Hey.
A question: If you had to pick one of the other two to go out with...
...who would you pick?
- No way. - I'm not answering.
Joey.
No way, I'm not answering that.
[English - US - SDH]