Hey, you guys, guess what?
Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
What is the matter with you?
No. Barry and Mindy.
Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross. Heh.
Who's Barry and Mindy?
Barry was the guy I almost married, and Mindy was my best friend.
Wasn't he cheating on you with her?
That just means he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Can you imagine if I'd married him? How different would my life be?
I know. I've always wondered how different life would be...
...if I'd never gotten divorced.
- Which time? - The first time!
Imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
I bet I'd still be doing my karate.
Towards the end of our marriage, I did karate as a way of releasing the tension...
...from, you know, not doing anything else physical.
Maybe the problem was pronouncing it "ka-ra-tay."
What if I was still fat?
You wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
Sure I would.
What? You guys think I'm that shallow?
No, I think Monica was that fat.
Hey, imagine if I'd never gotten fired off Days of Our Lives.
Hey. Hey, there's Carol again.
What if I had had the guts to quit my job?
I'd probably be writing for The New Yorker, being paid to be funny.
But my job's fun too. I mean, tomorrow...
...I don't have to wear a tie.
What if I'd taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
- What? - Merrill Lynch?
A massage client who worked there said I had a knack for stocks.
Why didn't you take it?
At that time, you see, I thought that everything that rhymed was true.
So I thought if I worked with stocks...
...I'd have to live in a box and only eat lox and have a pet fox.
Do you think if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
Oh, my God. Rachel Green?
Aah! Rob Tilman!
No, heh, no, it's me. Ross.
Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tilman.
- No. No, no. Ross Geller. - Of course! Monica's brother.
- Yeah. Right. - Wow! How are you?
- Good. Good, I'm married. - Oh! Me too! Ha, ha.
- Isn't it the best? - Oh, it's the best. Heh.
- So, um, how's Monica? - Really, really great.
Actually, she's right down the street. Um, you should stop by and say hi.
- Oh, I would love to. - Yeah, she'd be so excited.
- Oh, okay. - Come on.
Wait, don't you have to pay for...
...Busty Ladies?
No, that's okay. Some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I...
So, Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring, huh?
He's not boring. He's just...
He's just low-key.
- Here you go, one hazelnut latte. - Thank you.
You know, the hazelnut, actually not a nut.
It's a seed.
Wow.
Can anyone else name a well-known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Oh, dear God. Let me think.
Hey.
Oh, no. What's the matter?
I got another rejection letter.
They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
I gotta get back to the hospital.
- All right. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
Oh, uh, by the way, the answer is the Brazil nut.
Was his question, "What's more boring than him?"
Hey, man. Sorry about that Archie thing.
You, uh, need me to give you some money?
Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Really?
Eh.
Joey doesn't have to give you money.
- TV stars have assistants, right? - That's an idea.
If I hire an assistant, would you take money from her?
No, Joey. Chandler could be your assistant.
He could answer your fan mail and stuff.
That would be great! Let's do that!
I could use the money. Give me time to write.
- Great! Welcome aboard. - Okay!
All right. I need to use the bathroom.
Since I don't need assistance in there, take a break!
All right.
- Hey. - Hey, Phoebe.
- Guess what? - What?
Joey just hired Chandler.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Oh! Hang on!
Hang on!
Go!
No. No, no. I said sell when it hits 50!
Five-oh! It's a number! It comes after four-nine!
No, it's okay. It's okay. You're allowed one mistake.
Just kidding. You are of course fired.
Ugh.
- Hey, Mon? - Hey.
Mon, look who I ran into.
Oh, my God, Rachel!
- God, you look terrific! - Oh, so do you!
Thanks.
- Did you lose weight? - You are so sweet to notice.
Yes, I lost 3 and a half pounds.
Ah!
- You remember my friend Chandler? - Hi.
- And that's Phoebe. - Hi.
Sit down. Sit down. How long's it been since we've seen each other?
1987, the day after Christmas. Uh, Sean McMahan's party.
I played you one of my songs. "Interplanetary Courtship Ritual."
Oh, yeah. Right.
- So, now, do you still do music? - Well, sometimes.
- Sometime I'll play you... - Oh, my God!
Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives just walked in here!
- Rach, he's a friend of ours. - You are friends with Dr. Drake Ramoray?
It's hard to be friends with Drake...
...because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Hey, or I could bring my keyboard here sometime.
- He's coming over. - Joey?
I know. Here, here.
Oh.
No. This is my friend Rachel. We went to high school together.
- Ha, ha, hi. - Hi.
I...
I love you on that show.
- Oh. - I watch you every day.
When you took out your kidney to save your ex-wife...
...even though she tried to kill you...
It's always nice to meet fans.
- She's not crazy, is she? - No.
So, uh, how you doing?
Hang on.
Hang on. Hang on.
Go!
Who's this?
Oh, you're gonna like working for me.
What's your name? What kind of name is Brindy?
I... Uh, whatever.
Stop talking.
All right, from now on your name is Joan.
You can pick your own last name.
- Hey, there you are. - Uh-oh, it's my boss.
All right, here's a list of things for you to do today.
This is gonna be so great. Thank you so much.
I gotta go to work. I'm delivering twins, but only one of them is mine.
"Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins."
Teach me how to spell vitamins.
"Wear in my new jeans."
- You realize what you are, don't you? - What?
You're his bitch.
No, no! No!
Wait! You didn't sit on my Kit Kats did you?
No, there was a little, little dip in the market...
...and I lost $13 million.
But the Kit Kats are all right?
What am I gonna do? I can't call my office, they'll kill me.
I can't call my clients, they'll kill themselves!
- All right, now my chest hurts. - What?
My chest hurts. Ugh.
- Ugh! And now, I can't breathe. - Are you having a heart attack?
If I were, would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
- Yes. - Then, yes. That is what I'm having.
Oh, my God!
Come on, Pheebs, it's not that bad.
Most people'd be excited if they didn't work for a couple weeks.
Most people don't like their jobs. I love my job.
I've been not working for three hours, and I'm already going crazy.
I miss Joan.
Honey, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
I always thought it was nature's way of telling you to die. Heh.
You're not gonna die.
I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today.
I wish I was dead.
Let's take a walk.
You should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine.
So what's going on with you?
Well, um, I've been doing a lot more of my karate.
- Still a dry spell with Carol? - Yeah.
How long has it been since you've had sex?
- Well, last weekend... - That's not so bad.
...will be two months...
...since I stopped trying.
You need to spice things up.
- What do you mean? - I don't know.
You could tie her up. You could eat stuff off each other.
Oh.
- Dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys. - Wow.
Role-playing. You're warden, she's prisoner.
- You're the pirate, she's the wench. - Okay, I think I got it.
You could be two stockbrokers, rolling naked on the trading floor...
...and everybody's watching.
It never happened.
And over there is Brady's Pub...
...where I unwind after a long day of "surgeoning."
Wow! This is so amazing. What else?
Well, that is a large piece of television equipment.
And, uh, that is an old man.
- Hey, old man! - Hey.
Alrighty. What do you say we head back to my place?
Well, wow. Um, you know, I would really love to, but I shouldn't.
Why? Why can't the world stop turning?
Just for a moment. Just for us.
Isn't that a line from the show?
Uh, yeah, but, uh...
...I may have said those things before, but...
...I never truly meant them until now.
That's a line from the show too!
Okay, you watch too much TV.
Joe, here's the freshly-squeezed orange juice you asked for.
- Thanks. - Hi.
Yeah, there's pulp in that.
- Yeah? - Heh.
I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp.
No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice. Okay?
I'm sorry. I guess I just like the pulp.
God, I'm sorry. I am being so rude.
Rachel, would you like a soda or something?
Because Chandler will run right out and get it.
Yeah, well, sure, iced tea would be great.
Iced tea.
Okay. Anything for you, sir?
Did I not just tell him?
Okay, look, Chandler, if this is gonna work...
...you have got to listen.
You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't you?
It's not all juice.
Honey, this morning was fun, huh?
Me hopping in on you in the shower there?
Yeah, maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Look, Carol, um, I was thinking maybe...
...maybe we can spice things up a little.
- What do you mean? - Carol, our sex life. It's just not...
- Dad! - Hey there, little fella!
Hey, why don't we get some shoes on you?
Show Dad how you put your shoes on in your room.
- Yay! - Yay!
Yay!
Seriously, our sex life.
I was thinking maybe, I don't know...
...we could try some new things, you know, for fun.
- Like what? - Well, I don't know. Um...
What if we, uh, were to...
...tie each other up?
Um, some people eat stuff off one another.
Yeah.
Um, you know, we could try dirty talk. Uh, heh.
- Um, we could have a threesome. - I love that idea!
Who sold a story to Archie Comics?
Oh, my God, that's so great. Oh, wow!
You're a published writer. I wish I had a present.
- Aw. - Wait a minute.
My last Kit Kat bar.
- You want to share it? - Okay!
- Hey. - Hey.
Chandler, I know you're mad. I'm sorry.
I was a total jerk. Completely over the line.
I just... I hate pulp.
You know how Monica feels about low-fat mayonnaise?
It's not mayonnaise!
Okay, uh, anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and here.
- What's this? - Fresh-squeezed orange juice, with pulp.
- Just the way you like. - Aw, thanks, man.
Hey, Joey? Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics.
Oh, my God, that's great! Congratulations! What's the story?
Oh, you wouldn't care. It's just a stupid comic book story.
Are you kidding me? I love Archie and the whole gang.
Well, um, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy.
Uh, but he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money.
So Reggie hires him as his assist...
As his butler.
And makes him do crazy things...
...like bring him milk shakes that can't have lumps.
Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar.
Did they already do that? I think I read it!
Monica, listen. I have to ask.
Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment.
- Does he do this with a lot of girls? - Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot.
Ah! And I'm one of them.
Wow.
I just cannot believe this. I mean, Joey Tribbiani.
It's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Yeah.
I wish we could just not be married for a little bit.
You know, I just wish we could be, like, on a break.
Well, you're not.
It's easy for you. You get to have sex with whoever you want.
Yeah, I can. Ha.
Don't think I don't. I do.
I mean, all the time. You bet!
- Monica? - Hmm?
You've done it, right?
Of course I have. What do you think, I'm like some 30-year-old virgin?
Oh, my God. You're a 30-year-old virgin.
Louder. I don't think the guy in the back heard.
Yeah, I heard it.
It's not like I haven't had the opportunity.
- I'm waiting for the perfect guy. - Mm-hm.
I'm seeing this guy Roger. He's not perfect...
...but, uh, I'm thinking maybe I should get it over with.
You know, give him my flower.
Oh, my God, do it! Honey, you've waited long enough.
- You know what? You are right. - Sex does not have to be a big deal.
There shouldn't be all these rules and restrictions.
People should be able to sleep with whoever, whenever...
Rachel. I'm never gonna think it's okay for you to cheat on your husband.
Oh, what do you know, virgin?
Phoebe?
Why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?
Oh, yeah. The doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Put the cigarette out.
No, it's not a cigarette. The smoke is coming out of me!
- Put it out. - Okay, okay!
- I'm so glad you're here. - Come on.
- I got it. I got it. - Give it to me! Give it!
Hello?
No, she can't come to the phone now.
Oh, right. No problem. Okay, bye-bye.
Was it work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?
No, just relax. Nobody yelled.
Jack was making sure you were getting better.
Thank God.
Yeah, she's fired.
You've done all you can, Dr. Wesley.
You've got to let her go.
Goodbye and Godspeed, Hope Brady.
Not so fast, Wesley.
- Ramoray. - That's right, Wesley.
I just stopped by to say that you're not a real doctor.
And that woman's brain is fine.
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
- Hope? Hope? - Drake.
You're not dying, Hope.
You're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Oh, Drake.
Okay.
Here we go.
Okay. Ahem.
Mm.
Hi, Joey? It's Rachel.
Um, I am free tomorrow night.
Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.