Hey, you guys? What are you doing tomorrow night?
Oh, well, let me see. I believe I'm...
Yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Well, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
I could fall asleep at a play.
- What is it? - It's a one-woman play called:
Why Don '2' You Like Me? A Bitter Woman's Journey Through Life.
Ooh.
- That sounds interesting. - That does sound interesting.
To listen to a woman complain for two hours. I don't think it gets bet...
I know! I know. We can drive. We can vote. We can work.
What more do these broads want?
Well, you guys will have a great time. I promise.
What? How come you don't have to go?
I wish I could, but I found out...
...that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go.
But take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Ooh. Let's see. Who do I hate?
Oh, sorry.
- Oops, sorry. - Okay.
- Okay. Up you 90-
- Oh, gosh, okay! - All right.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around...
...and not have it be a big deal?
No, I don't think that ever works. Why?
- No reason. - No, no. Rachel?
- Yeah. - Who do you want to fool around with?
Nobody! Forget it.
Joey?
Maybe.
- You can't. - Why?
Because.
Okay, seriously, did not understand a word you just said.
- In the hall. - Okay.
- You wanna fool around with Joey? - Yeah.
Ever since I had that dream about him, I can't get it out of my head.
I mean, what's the big deal? People do it all the time.
Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
Okay. Off the top of my head... Don and Janet.
- Who are they? - I know them from work.
- Both of them? - No, just one of them.
Which one?
I don't know. What were the names I just said?
No, Rachel, things could get incredibly complicated.
You're right. I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it...
Okay, so that's two cups of tarragon, a pound of baking soda and a red onion?
What the hell are you cooking?
- Hey. - Hey.
You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today.
Yes, but, Ross, you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
There are these two professors who are joining my department...
...and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
What's bad about that?
I just know they'll be a couple of old windbags...
...wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.
Ross?
What? These aren't suede.
Excuse me. I'm looking for someone.
You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
No.
Hi. Hi, I'm Ross Geller.
- Oh, hi. I'm Professor Wheeler. - Oh.
Oh, that's... That's... That's nice.
It's good to meet you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to show me around.
No, it's no big deal.
If I weren't doing this, I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out.
Is he gonna introduce us?
I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.
By the way, I really enjoyed your paper...
...on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
I wrote that in one night.
Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
Well, we should probably get going.
We've got a lot of ground to cover.
Isn't another professor supposed to come with us?
I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure. A Professor Spafford from Cornell?
Well, he's obviously late, and the rule in my class is:
If you can't come on time, then don't come at all.
An option that many of my students use.
- Shall we? - We shouldn't wait for him?
You know what, he's a big boy. I'm sure he'll find us, okay?
- Professor Geller? - Oh, damn it!
Hi, it's Jan Rogers. Can't wait for your party tonight.
Listen, I forgot your address. Can you give me a call? Thanks. Bye.
- Hey! - Hey!
What's happening?
It's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight.
I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day.
- You know me, work comes first. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hi, it's Jan Rogers. Can't wait for your party tonight.
Stupid Jan Rogers!
You are having a party tonight?
I'm kind of having a thing for the Days of our Lives people.
You weren't gonna tell us?
How did you think you'd get away with that?
I do it every year.
You do that every year?!
I didn't have to tell you that!
God, I'm stupider than Jan Rogers!
That's why you got us tickets to that play, to get rid of us!
Yeah.
Last year is that why you sent us to that Medieval Times restaurant?
Yeah.
The year before that, you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
I can't believe you guys went for that one.
Why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
You're fine, okay? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.
Well, then, so just invite me.
Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.
Joey, come on! Please, please? Let me come. I will behave. I promise.
- I will behave. Please, please, please. - Okay, fine. You can come.
But don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8.
A soap-opera roof party?!
I'm going to a soap-opera roof party! Uh, my God! Oh, my God!
And it's out of my system.
And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galépagos.
There was a seafood buffet you wouldn't believe.
There were clams and mussels and oysters...
...and cracked crab...
...and snow crab...
...and king crab.
It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
So where did you get your undergraduate degree?
- And that's not all I'm allergic to. - Oh, it's not over.
I'm also allergic to peanuts and cashews...
...and almonds and filberts...
So basically all nuts!
Interestingly, no.
You're kind of playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting."
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
Oh, my God!
I've lost the will to live.
- Let's ditch him. - What?
While he's still in the bathroom. I am begging you.
Okay. Okay, fine, but I just have one question for you.
When we exit, should we walk or run...
...or prance or stroll...?
Stop it! Stop it! He talks slow, but he might pee fast. Okay, let's move!
Oh, hey, you guys, this is Charlie.
Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
- Hi. - Charlie will be joining my department.
- You're a paleontologist too? - Yeah.
Oh, okay. Now, what do you think...
...of Renyard's new theory of species variegation in segmented arthropods?
I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas.
Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. Excuse me.
Renyard's theory of species variegation?
I saw the article on your coffee table. I memorized the title to freak you out.
So did you two have fun?
Oh, my God. She's great.
We have so much in common, and she's just cool, you know? And funny.
And I don't know if you've noticed, but she's a hottie!
Hi!
- Hey. - Hey.
Hi, you guys. Listen, you know what, I'm not feeling really well...
...and I don't think I'm gonna get to go to the play.
Really? What's wrong?
I don't know. I think it's kind of serious.
You know, I was watching this thing on TV this morning...
...about Newcastle disease, and I think I might have it.
Newcastle disease is a secretion-borne virus...
...that only affects chickens and other poultry.
Okay, who's this?
I'm sorry. Rachel, this is Charlie Wheeler. She's a colleague.
Hi. Well, I would shake your hand...
...but I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease.
- Rachel, can I see you for a second? - Sure.
You're not sick.
What? Yes, I am!
Okay, then why are you all dressed up?
When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better.
You just want to stay home so you can make a move on Joey.
No, I heard you before. That is so not what this is.
Okay, then what is this?
Okay.
Joey is having a secret Days of our Lives party up on the roof.
And he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you.
What?!
What? What's going on?
Joey is having a secret Days of our Lives party up on the roof!
He didn't want you to know about it, but I came over here to tell you.
- You came to say you were sick. - All right, professor or detective?
Wait, Joey's having a party, and he wasn't gonna invite us?
He does it every year. That's why he's sending you to the play.
That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory.
And that horrible museum tour?
No, I arranged that.
Hey, you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
We know about your party, Joey.
- What party? - The game's over. Take off your robe.
Okay, I mean...
No!
Close it up! Close it up!
Nice to meet you.
Hey, you made it! All right!
Glad you could make it. Thanks for coming.
- Oh, my God. Kyle Lowder! - Hi.
I love you!
Hey. That's why I didn't invite you. You have to calm down, all right?
Just get yourself a drink or something.
Oh, yeah, that's what you want. My inhibitions lowered.
Hey.
My God, can you believe we're surrounded by all this?
I can barely control myself.
You might want to remember that you're married.
Where is Chandler anyway?
Oh, my God! Chandler!
Where the hell is everybody?
Why Don '2' You Like Me?
Chapter 1: My First Period.
Hey, Joey said no autographs.
But if she's getting one, I want one too!
"To Monica." And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love."
Okay, actually, Mon, Matthew was giving me his phone number.
Oh, man! If I had known I was coming to this party...
...I never would've gotten married!
- It was nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- Call me. - We will!
- Look at you with all the guys! - Yeah.
I guess you've forgotten Joey.
Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten aboutJoey.
And clearly, you've forgotten about Chandler.
Please. Chandler's the love of my life.
Oh, leather pants! Have mercy!
So it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?
Actually, I'm kind of happy to be leaving. I just broke up with someone.
Oh, so sad.
Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard.
Especially after working with a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer.
Actually, Albie is the guy I broke up with.
- You dated Albert Wintermeyer? - Yeah.
And you called him "Albie"?
I mean, that's like calling Albert Einstein...
Albie.
Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man.
You think? I mean, you dated the guy...
...who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!
Yes, and while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend...
...he had a lot of issues.
Oh, like what?
I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry. It's just that this must be...
...what regular people experience when they watch Access Hollywood.
Okay, you want the dirt?
Albie was seriously insecure.
He was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
Who's intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?
A guy who won two.
Two? What...?
Don't tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart?
Yeah, for three years.
Oh, my God.
Have you ever dated someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize?
No.
But there was my first boyfriend, Billy.
Oh, yeah? No Nobel Prizes for him?
No, but he did just win a MacArthur "genius grant."
What a loser.
Some more wine?
Hey, Ross. How's it going with Charlie?
Oh, great. After I finish my wine...
...I'm gonna blow my average-sized brains out.
What's the matter?
She only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners.
Oh, my God, at the Chinese restaurant earlier today...
...I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretended to be a woolly mammoth.
I always loved that.
Of course you would! Your brains are smaller than mine!
I can't compete with the guys she goes out with.
They're so out of my league.
Oh, my God!
- Worse? - Oh, much, much worse.
I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians.
"Can we walk?"
- Oh, you like that? - No.
What?
Come on! I think that's funny!
Woolly mammoth.
L'I'S good!
I bet you're thinking that now would be a great time for an intermission, huh?
Oh, yes. God, yes.
Well, you're not gonna get one!
Because in life, there are no intermissions, people!
Now, Chapter 7: Divorce is a Four-Letter Word!
How could he leave me?!
I don't know. You seem lovely.
Ross, this is one of my costars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
- Nice to meet you. - So, what show are you on?
I'm not an actor. I'm a professor of paleontology.
- That's science. - Oh.
Hey, well, listen, I play a scientist on Days.
Yeah, my character just won a Nobel Prize.
Dirk was wondering about the woman you brought and if you two are together?
Oh. Well, no, but...
I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys.
Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
I'd lead with that.
That's it. Just sign right on the bra.
Monica!
Don't worry, Joe. I won't come next year!
What the...?
What do you got there?
Just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
- Oh, really? Let me see. - Oh.
Damn, that's a lot of guys.
Are you a little slutty?
I think I am.
Let me see if I approve of any of these clowns.
- This guy wears a rug. - Well...
This guy's Canadian.
Oh, and this guy is in a cult, okay?
It'll cost you $5000 to get to level three, and I don't feel any different.
Pass. Pa... Oh, pass. Pass.
- Why? What's wrong with these guys? - Well, nothing major.
It's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you...
...and you deserve the best.
Joey, you're so sweet.
It's true, but it doesn't matter. I already know who you're going home with.
Who?
Me.
What?
Really?
Yeah, because we live together. It's a joke! It's a joke.
Right! That's funny! I get it!
- Got you! - You're funny, Joey.
Oh, my God.
So how did you enjoy the play?
Oh, my God. Honey, I am so, so, so, so sorry.
You should be.
You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.
- You really liked it? - Oh, yeah. I mean, at first I hated it.
But why wouldn't I? Because as a man, I've been trained not to listen!
But after Chapter 16: Fat, Single and Ready to Mingle...
...I was uplifted.
- Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.
I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman.
Tell me... Tell me about your first period.
No!
Did somebody sign your bra?
So I got it when I was 13. Very difficult.
Hey, Ross? So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl?
Are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel Prizes scare you off?
What is that? Come on, a piece of paper?
It's actually a million-dollar prize.
Go, Charlie!
But my point is...
...okay, so she dated them, but she also broke up with them.
Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Ph.D.
Yeah, maybe, and I do have my whole career in front of me.
I mean...
I could still win a Nobel Prize.
Although the last two papers I've written were widely discredited.
You're so much more than just brains. You are sweet and kind and funny.
And sexy.
Okay, well, give her a chance to see all that.
Yeah. Yeah. You're right.
- Thanks. I'm gonna go find her. - Good for you.
Your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian Era was topnotch.
Stop going through my stuff!
- Hey. - Hey.
I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kiss Joey.
No! You can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Please! What about you and Chandler?
That's different. I was drunk and stupid.
Well, hello?
What about all the guys that you got the phone numbers from?
- Why don't you just kiss one of them. - I could...
...but I don't want to. I want to kiss Joey.
All right. I think it's a big mistake, but it's your decision.
I'm gonna do it.
- And I can't stop you? - No.
Hey, Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
I'm smarter than him!
Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
This was a really important experience for me. I wanted to share it with you.
You're so wonderful.
Why Don '2' You Like Me?
Chapter 1: My First Period.
I can't believe you guys bought that. Enjoy your slow death.