1
00:00:09,363 --> 00:00:11,523
# Knowing me, knowing you

2
00:00:11,523 --> 00:00:12,603
# Ah-ha!

3
00:00:12,603 --> 00:00:15,043
# There is nothing we can do

4
00:00:15,043 --> 00:00:17,003
# Knowing me, knowing you

5
00:00:17,003 --> 00:00:18,043
# Ah-ha!

6
00:00:18,043 --> 00:00:24,003
# We just have to face it -
This time we're through

7
00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:26,003
# Knowing me, knowing you! #

8
00:00:26,003 --> 00:00:28,403
Ah-ha-a-a!

9
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:31,443
APPLAUSE

10
00:00:38,283 --> 00:00:41,083
# Knowing me, knowing you! #

11
00:00:46,363 --> 00:00:53,563
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You
with me, Alan Partridge,
live from BBC Television Centre.

12
00:00:53,563 --> 00:00:57,283
There's a new chat in town.
DRUM ROLL

13
00:00:58,763 --> 00:01:01,643
Tonight is a JFK kind of a night.

14
00:01:01,643 --> 00:01:06,403
Just as everyone remembers what they
were doing when Kennedy was shot,

15
00:01:06,403 --> 00:01:13,443
I like to think that, 30 years on,
people will remember what THEY were
doing when I first said "Ah-ha-a!"

16
00:01:13,443 --> 00:01:18,083
As our motorcade of chat
cruises through celebrity city,

17
00:01:18,083 --> 00:01:22,203
let's hope no sniper waits
to pick off my star guest.

18
00:01:22,203 --> 00:01:27,923
He arrived at Heathrow and is being
whisked here in a Vauxhall Carlton.

19
00:01:27,923 --> 00:01:32,683
He is none other than
007 James Bond, Roger Moore!

20
00:01:32,683 --> 00:01:36,643
AUDIENCE: Oooh!

21
00:01:36,643 --> 00:01:41,203
My set is modelled on the lobby
of a top international hotel.

22
00:01:41,203 --> 00:01:45,883
And for the first time ever on
a chat show, a beautiful fountain!

23
00:01:45,883 --> 00:01:47,443
But first,

24
00:01:47,443 --> 00:01:50,443
up there in their musical mezzanine,

25
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:55,523
let's get to know my resident house
band, Glen Ponder and Chalet!

26
00:01:56,803 --> 00:01:58,643
# Knowing me, knowing you! #

27
00:01:58,643 --> 00:02:01,443
APPLAUSE

28
00:02:01,443 --> 00:02:06,163
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glen Ponder. Ah-ha!

29
00:02:06,163 --> 00:02:07,203
Ah-ha!

30
00:02:07,203 --> 00:02:10,643
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Chalet. Ah-ha! AH-HA!

31
00:02:10,643 --> 00:02:14,523
Great to have you aboard.
It's great to be here.

32
00:02:14,523 --> 00:02:15,883
SPEAK TOGTHER

33
00:02:15,883 --> 00:02:18,043
Sorry? Sorry?

34
00:02:18,043 --> 00:02:22,643
Glen Ponder...
Glen Ponder and Chalet!

35
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,443
And you. Have a good time.

36
00:02:25,443 --> 00:02:28,843
BAND PLAYS: "Knowing me, knowing
you"

37
00:02:33,243 --> 00:02:36,923
Well, it's time to meet
my first guest NOW,

38
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:40,363
after I've done
her introduction, now.

39
00:02:40,363 --> 00:02:46,163
Now - Red Rum, Desert Orchid,
Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed.

40
00:02:46,163 --> 00:02:49,843
What have they in common?
They're celebrity horses.

41
00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:54,363
My first guest is not a horse,
she's a celebrity who rides a horse.

42
00:02:54,363 --> 00:02:56,403
Let's see her in action.

43
00:02:57,363 --> 00:03:00,043
Giddy, giddy - YES!

44
00:03:00,043 --> 00:03:01,723
YES!!

45
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:06,643
Take that horse back to the stable
and give it a kiss!

46
00:03:08,083 --> 00:03:11,123
No finer way to start my series

47
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:16,403
than with world championship-winning
showjumping legend Sue Lewis!

48
00:03:18,083 --> 00:03:20,883
# The winner takes it all

49
00:03:21,843 --> 00:03:24,203
# The winner makes it all

50
00:03:25,323 --> 00:03:27,683
# The winner takes it all. #

51
00:03:29,483 --> 00:03:31,123
There you go.

52
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:34,643
Got a quick whiff of your perfume.
That's nice.

53
00:03:37,363 --> 00:03:41,083
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Sue Lewis. Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

54
00:03:41,083 --> 00:03:42,763
Right. Now...

55
00:03:42,763 --> 00:03:45,603
..horses. Horses.

56
00:03:45,603 --> 00:03:50,603
People say a dog is like its owner.
Is a horse like its rider?

57
00:03:50,603 --> 00:03:52,723
I don't know.

58
00:03:53,803 --> 00:03:56,483
Can you speak up a bit?

59
00:03:56,483 --> 00:03:58,243
I don't know!

60
00:03:58,243 --> 00:04:01,163
There's no resemblance?

61
00:04:01,163 --> 00:04:05,603
You don't think
you look like a horse? I hope not!

62
00:04:05,603 --> 00:04:07,643
Speak up!

63
00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:12,123
I hope not! Sorry, could we turn
the fountain off, please?

64
00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:16,123
Sorry, Sue. Thank you.

65
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:20,963
The idea was to represent a fountain
of knowledge, to symbolise the show.

66
00:04:20,963 --> 00:04:22,643
Now...

67
00:04:22,643 --> 00:04:27,723
Now, Sue... It looks lovely. It is.
Well, it cost two grand.

68
00:04:27,723 --> 00:04:33,083
That's the kind of thing you'll be
seeing - lots of expensive items.

69
00:04:33,083 --> 00:04:37,843
Now, you won the hearts
of the British public

70
00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:42,883
when, last year, you trotted off
with the world championship. Yes.

71
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,723
LAUGHTER

72
00:04:45,723 --> 00:04:50,643
How did that feel? Oh... Great!

73
00:04:50,643 --> 00:04:53,363
LAUGHTER

74
00:04:53,363 --> 00:04:54,963
Really?

75
00:04:57,723 --> 00:05:00,443
Really great!

76
00:05:00,443 --> 00:05:05,763
Was the horse, Joie de Vivre, was
he aware of the excitement? Oh, yes.

77
00:05:07,163 --> 00:05:09,683
Um...what...what did you...?

78
00:05:09,683 --> 00:05:13,563
Did you give him a treat afterwards?
Yes!

79
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,523
What?!

80
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:18,563
Did you...did you tickle his belly?

81
00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:24,523
No, that's dangerous. I'm thinking
of that man with the dolphin.

82
00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:28,323
Um, Sue...let's move on
to the anecdotes.

83
00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:30,523
D-d-do the anecdote.

84
00:05:30,523 --> 00:05:33,323
Well, all it was, was that...

85
00:05:33,323 --> 00:05:36,083
..when you transport a horse

86
00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:40,043
you have to be careful
and it takes a lot of time.

87
00:05:40,043 --> 00:05:43,963
The owner,
Maxwell Henderson, was driving...

88
00:05:43,963 --> 00:05:46,803
Get to the bit about the horsebox.

89
00:05:46,803 --> 00:05:49,763
We were driving up the motorway...

90
00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:53,603
She was driving with a man...
Sorry, I'm doing it.

91
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:58,643
Right! Well, we were driving up the
motorway and Maxwell needed a drink.

92
00:05:58,643 --> 00:06:03,123
So we stopped off at Newbury.
Could I interrupt you?

93
00:06:03,123 --> 00:06:07,363
I've just been told Roger Moore
has passed Heston Services

94
00:06:07,363 --> 00:06:10,403
and should be with us soon. Sue...

95
00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:15,403
Um...

96
00:06:15,403 --> 00:06:19,203
..I've forgotten where I was!
Where was I?

97
00:06:19,203 --> 00:06:22,603
I've absolutely no idea. Look...

98
00:06:22,603 --> 00:06:26,723
..go on to the other one.
Oh, I remember! All right.

99
00:06:26,723 --> 00:06:31,563
We stopped in Newbury so that
Maxwell could get a drink - water or
tea -

100
00:06:31,563 --> 00:06:36,083
and I wanted something to read.
So you bought a book. Yes!

101
00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:41,843
It was a very small bookshop and
they were catering for a mass
audience.

102
00:06:41,843 --> 00:06:43,843
Be quicker.

103
00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:47,563
So I bought a book
and when I was going out to...

104
00:06:47,563 --> 00:06:51,723
That's not quick. She bought a book
called Killing Horses

105
00:06:51,723 --> 00:06:56,643
and the driver thought she was some
sort of murderess! It was hilarious.

106
00:06:56,643 --> 00:06:58,163
Hilarious!

107
00:06:58,163 --> 00:07:01,563
It was the only book...
That's the end...

108
00:07:01,563 --> 00:07:02,923
The end.

109
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:08,803
OK... Now, it says here...Hawaii.
What happened there? Exotic place -

110
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,923
give me spice!

111
00:07:10,923 --> 00:07:14,563
I lost my luggage.
Oh dear! What happened?

112
00:07:14,563 --> 00:07:18,883
It turned up in Brasilia!
Disaster! What next?

113
00:07:18,883 --> 00:07:21,563
It was fine. Nothing missing.

114
00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,803
You see, that's no good!

115
00:07:24,803 --> 00:07:30,963
That's an incident, not an anecdote.
Your press release says "anecdote"!

116
00:07:30,963 --> 00:07:36,643
No good. Just for future reference,
to save wasting people's time.

117
00:07:36,643 --> 00:07:40,083
Not to worry.
We've got a surprise for YOU

118
00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:44,803
in this, one of the regular features
of the series, Up Alan's Sleeve.

119
00:07:44,803 --> 00:07:47,603
Well, Sue Lewis, this week,

120
00:07:47,603 --> 00:07:51,603
I have for you, up my sleeve,
a HORSE and a jump!

121
00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:54,723
Bring on the horse and the jump!

122
00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:59,483
BAND PLAYS "KNOWING ME
KNOWING YOU" JINGLE

123
00:07:59,483 --> 00:08:03,003
We couldn't get your horse
so it's just A horse.

124
00:08:04,723 --> 00:08:07,723
Now, isn't he a beauty?! SHE.

125
00:08:07,723 --> 00:08:11,443
SHE..?
..Yes, you're absolutely right.

126
00:08:11,443 --> 00:08:14,003
We've got the horse and the jump.

127
00:08:14,003 --> 00:08:18,403
I've sprung this on you,
but will you rise to the challenge?

128
00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:21,323
I can't. She doesn't want to do it!

129
00:08:21,323 --> 00:08:24,363
Do you want her to?
AUDIENCE: Yes!

130
00:08:24,363 --> 00:08:27,883
Jump the jump.
No. This is a concrete floor.

131
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:31,883
A horse has delicate legs.
It would damage them.

132
00:08:31,883 --> 00:08:37,283
Can we gaffer-tape some sponges to
the hooves? It would break its legs.

133
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:43,763
I can't. "Please don't break
my legs!" she says! Don't do that!

134
00:08:43,763 --> 00:08:47,803
All right, get rid of the horse
and the jump!

135
00:08:47,803 --> 00:08:51,483
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

136
00:08:55,483 --> 00:08:57,523
Look at that!

137
00:08:57,523 --> 00:09:00,083
That's YOUR fault!

138
00:09:01,723 --> 00:09:03,723
She was nervous.

139
00:09:03,723 --> 00:09:10,003
You really ought to get a dustpan!
That could have been spectacular!

140
00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:13,483
No horse jump
and now just a lump of dung!

141
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,523
I'm sorry.

142
00:09:19,523 --> 00:09:21,363
That's it!

143
00:09:21,363 --> 00:09:25,443
No more questions? No.
..Have YOU got any questions?

144
00:09:25,443 --> 00:09:27,843
Have you ever ridden a horse?

145
00:09:27,843 --> 00:09:29,523
Yes, I have.

146
00:09:29,523 --> 00:09:31,803
I went pony-trekking...

147
00:09:32,763 --> 00:09:38,163
..with school - in Cornwall.
Gosh! ..Like one of YOUR stories!

148
00:09:39,403 --> 00:09:44,443
Ladies and gentlemen - Sue Lewis!
INAUDIBLE

149
00:09:44,443 --> 00:09:46,923
APPLAUSE

150
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,763
Fame! I'm going to live forever!

151
00:09:52,763 --> 00:09:55,003
Stay there, Sue!

152
00:09:56,603 --> 00:09:59,243
Fame! I'm going to learn how to fly!

153
00:09:59,243 --> 00:10:01,283
Of course I'm not...

154
00:10:01,283 --> 00:10:10,043
But, in a sense...my next guest DID.
Two years ago, he was presenting the
Loony Breakfast Show on Radio Leeds,

155
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:13,683
now he's the new host
of This Is Your Life!

156
00:10:13,683 --> 00:10:16,123
He's a trooper. I think he's super.

157
00:10:16,123 --> 00:10:20,723
Please welcome Super Trooper
Keith Hunt. ..Where is he?

158
00:10:20,723 --> 00:10:23,963
"SUPER TROOPER" JINGLE

159
00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:43,363
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Keith Hunt. Ah-ha!
Ah-ha! Am I right?

160
00:10:43,363 --> 00:10:48,643
AUDIENCE: You're not wrong!
He's got a catchphrase already!

161
00:10:48,643 --> 00:10:51,963
Best slip it in early -
know what I mean!

162
00:10:51,963 --> 00:10:57,603
You all right, Sue? You're not
wrong! She's a barrel of laughs(!)

163
00:10:57,603 --> 00:11:00,483
Pity it's empty! Am I right?

164
00:11:00,483 --> 00:11:04,003
AUDIENCE: You're not wrong!
Only joking.

165
00:11:04,003 --> 00:11:09,803
No, you really aren't, not wrong!
..Um...Now, Keith,

166
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:13,763
This Is Your Life -
it's a British institution.

167
00:11:13,763 --> 00:11:16,163
It's as English as fish and chips.

168
00:11:16,163 --> 00:11:23,003
Bangers and mash. The tower of
London. ..Sue - something British?
Um...Crufts?

169
00:11:23,963 --> 00:11:26,403
Umm...but you know, I would...

170
00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:34,283
I would dearly love my show to be
an institution. You must change
your theme tune! Abba's Swedish!

171
00:11:34,283 --> 00:11:37,203
Well, that's a Swedish institution.

172
00:11:37,203 --> 00:11:41,123
You can't get more Swedish.
As Swedish as Ikea.

173
00:11:41,123 --> 00:11:42,603
Volvo!

174
00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:44,323
Sue..?

175
00:11:45,323 --> 00:11:47,403
..The vegetable, swede.

176
00:11:47,403 --> 00:11:49,883
Yeah...well, yeah...

177
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,763
The Swedes...

178
00:11:51,763 --> 00:11:54,203
..don't have a bad life.

179
00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:58,323
They get up in the morning,
have a bowl of swede,

180
00:11:58,323 --> 00:12:02,163
hop in the Volvo, whack on Abba,
and go to Ikea!

181
00:12:02,163 --> 00:12:05,563
I mean... I mean,
that's my Sunday...

182
00:12:07,403 --> 00:12:09,723
..apart from the swede.

183
00:12:10,683 --> 00:12:14,323
Now Keith...
I have Kellogg's Common Sense.

184
00:12:14,323 --> 00:12:17,043
Keith, what's your secret?

185
00:12:17,043 --> 00:12:19,483
I'm an ordinary bloke.

186
00:12:19,483 --> 00:12:24,323
BUT - the big but - you do
extraordinary things...because...

187
00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:31,923
I have Keith's local paper, here,
with a little story... No, no, no!
Don't embarrass me!

188
00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:34,443
A little story. Shh!

189
00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:38,283
A story about Keith.
Shall I read it or will you?

190
00:12:38,283 --> 00:12:41,923
Will you? All right, all right.
Listen.

191
00:12:41,923 --> 00:12:47,283
The headmaster of me kid's school
knocked on me door and said, "Keith,

192
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:51,883
"we're having a raffle
to raise money for a mini-bus.

193
00:12:51,883 --> 00:12:54,083
"Will you host it?"

194
00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:58,923
I says, "How much does it cost?"
He says, "18 grand." I said...

195
00:12:58,923 --> 00:13:00,363
Sorry.

196
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,563
I'll just stop you.

197
00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:09,163
I've just been told that Roger Moore
is at Chiswick roundabout,
so stay tuned!

198
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,243
Keith, carry on.

199
00:13:11,243 --> 00:13:15,883
He said, "18 grand."
I said, "Here's 20.

200
00:13:15,883 --> 00:13:19,363
"Buy the mini-bus
AND take them to Alton Towers!"

201
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:21,683
What a nice man!

202
00:13:21,683 --> 00:13:25,963
You've got to put a bit back.
And it's tax deductible.

203
00:13:27,003 --> 00:13:30,523
Now, Keith, you like surprises.

204
00:13:30,523 --> 00:13:31,963
By the way,

205
00:13:31,963 --> 00:13:34,723
thanks for bringing that paper in.

206
00:13:34,723 --> 00:13:38,163
LAUGHTER
And...and...

207
00:13:39,763 --> 00:13:42,403
APPLAUSE

208
00:13:42,403 --> 00:13:43,763
Well done.

209
00:13:43,763 --> 00:13:48,443
Um...you like surprises and we have
now got a surprise for YOU

210
00:13:48,443 --> 00:13:52,043
because it's time
to go Up Alan's Sleeve.

211
00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:56,283
Earlier on I had a horse
up my sleeve for Sue Lewis.

212
00:13:56,283 --> 00:14:00,323
People are asking,
"What's up your other sleeve?"

213
00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:03,243
Well, it's a child.

214
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:07,483
What's going on? A child
you know well - you produced him.

215
00:14:07,483 --> 00:14:10,123
Your very own son, Sam Hunt!

216
00:14:10,123 --> 00:14:12,243
I don't believe it!

217
00:14:13,523 --> 00:14:16,043
APPLAUSE

218
00:14:16,043 --> 00:14:19,283
Hello! Keith... Now, Keith...

219
00:14:19,283 --> 00:14:21,323
Keith... Hi, Sam!

220
00:14:21,323 --> 00:14:27,963
Sam is your only son
from your marriage
which was dissolved some years ago.

221
00:14:27,963 --> 00:14:31,803
You're only allowed to see him
once a fortnight,

222
00:14:31,803 --> 00:14:37,683
but I can speak to him, so you wait
here while I talk to Sam Hunt!

223
00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:41,883
Hello!

224
00:14:41,883 --> 00:14:44,923
Sam, it's Dad!
Now, I believe

225
00:14:44,923 --> 00:14:48,723
you've got something special
to say to Sam today.

226
00:14:48,723 --> 00:14:52,723
Looking forward to next week.
We'll have fun.

227
00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:57,563
No, isn't there something else
you want to say?

228
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,643
See your dad on the telly last week?

229
00:15:00,643 --> 00:15:03,363
No! Sam, do you want to tell Daddy?

230
00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:06,843
It's my birthday.
It's your son's birthday!

231
00:15:06,843 --> 00:15:11,803
Yes! Happy birthday, Sam.
What have you got for him?

232
00:15:15,003 --> 00:15:19,163
No, stay there. Give him this.
There you go.

233
00:15:19,163 --> 00:15:21,323
He got you £10.

234
00:15:21,323 --> 00:15:24,523
Don't despair, we got you a present.

235
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:30,043
We've got you an Alan Partridge tie
and blazer badge combination pack.

236
00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:33,283
Take that.

237
00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:35,443
And, not only that,

238
00:15:35,443 --> 00:15:40,883
a trip to Disneyland with your
mummy and her partner this weekend!

239
00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:42,883
No, no!

240
00:15:42,883 --> 00:15:44,403
No.

241
00:15:45,563 --> 00:15:51,403
I've got custody this weekend. She
knows that. No, it's been arranged!

242
00:15:51,403 --> 00:15:54,803
Where are you going this weekend?
Disneyland.

243
00:15:54,803 --> 00:15:58,843
Of course you are!
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt!

244
00:15:58,843 --> 00:15:59,843
That way.

245
00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:01,683
That way.

246
00:16:01,683 --> 00:16:03,723
# Happy birthday to you

247
00:16:03,723 --> 00:16:05,763
# Happy birthday to you

248
00:16:05,763 --> 00:16:08,403
# Happy birthday, dear Sam

249
00:16:08,403 --> 00:16:10,883
# Happy birthday to you! #

250
00:16:10,883 --> 00:16:13,363
Great. Marvellous.

251
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:19,963
Funny feeling that backfired a bit.
You should have checked
with me first, Alan.

252
00:16:19,963 --> 00:16:25,563
I didn't realise you would forget
your only son's birthday. Leave it!

253
00:16:25,563 --> 00:16:30,003
Oh, dear! I've blown my chance
to be on This Is Your Life!

254
00:16:30,003 --> 00:16:34,683
Oh, we couldn't have you on -
we only have celebrities.

255
00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:39,363
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Sss!

256
00:16:39,363 --> 00:16:43,563
Sue, you got any children?
No, I haven't. I have.

257
00:16:43,563 --> 00:16:46,163
Fernando - he's at Cambridge -

258
00:16:46,163 --> 00:16:48,763
and Denise.

259
00:16:48,763 --> 00:16:55,843
Denise's birthday is
on the 27th of May and Fernando's
is on the 6th of June.

260
00:16:55,843 --> 00:17:00,083
Quite close, so we have
a family bash. Solid as a rock.

261
00:17:03,563 --> 00:17:08,603
Do horses have birthdays? Yes.
Do they get presents? Sometimes.

262
00:17:08,603 --> 00:17:10,203
Really?

263
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,723
Even horses?

264
00:17:16,923 --> 00:17:20,363
He looks like a lovely boy - Sam.
Super lad.

265
00:17:20,363 --> 00:17:23,443
How old is he? Five. Six! Six today.

266
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,403
Am I right? I'm not wrong!

267
00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:29,763
Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.

268
00:17:34,843 --> 00:17:37,203
Now...

269
00:17:39,363 --> 00:17:43,603
Could...could someone clear
that shit away, please?

270
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:48,283
It's just...it's in my picture.
I don't...

271
00:17:48,283 --> 00:17:50,723
LAUGHTER

272
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:56,763
People may associate it with me.
I don't want...

273
00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:04,243
Time now for my next guest. If
music be the food of love, play on!

274
00:18:04,243 --> 00:18:07,003
That's what Shakespeare said.

275
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:11,563
I'm not Shakespeare, but
I say pretty much the same thing.

276
00:18:11,563 --> 00:18:15,243
If music be the food of love,
let's eat it!

277
00:18:15,243 --> 00:18:20,203
Here with her new single, "Monday
Morning" - I know the feeling -

278
00:18:20,203 --> 00:18:22,563
Shona McGough!

279
00:18:22,563 --> 00:18:25,603
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

280
00:18:31,723 --> 00:18:35,323
# Monday morning at quarter to eight

281
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:40,763
# She gives her husband his
cornflakes, he mustn't be late.

282
00:18:40,763 --> 00:18:42,843
# She vacuums the carpets

283
00:18:42,843 --> 00:18:45,923
# Makes everything clean
Everything clean

284
00:18:45,923 --> 00:18:50,163
# What would she do without Mr
Sheen?

285
00:18:55,163 --> 00:18:59,163
# She takes a shotgun
from under the stairs

286
00:18:59,163 --> 00:19:01,523
# And stands in the hallway

287
00:19:01,523 --> 00:19:07,483
# Screaming her pra-a-ayers...!

288
00:19:08,603 --> 00:19:13,363
# The gas man comes to read the
meter

289
00:19:13,363 --> 00:19:17,683
# He writes down the reading,
scratching his head

290
00:19:17,683 --> 00:19:22,883
# It's quarter to four
and now the gas man's DEAD!

291
00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:24,923
# Blood ba-ath!

292
00:19:24,923 --> 00:19:27,203
# Blood ba-ath!

293
00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:29,163
# The postman arrives

294
00:19:29,163 --> 00:19:31,643
# She says, "Hello, Ray"

295
00:19:31,643 --> 00:19:36,843
# And smiles politely as she
BLOWS HIM AWAY!

296
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,803
# Blood ba-ath!

297
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:41,123
# Blood ba-ath!

298
00:19:41,123 --> 00:19:45,363
# She's stalking the streets
Her brain's on fire

299
00:19:45,363 --> 00:19:50,923
# She guns down 20 in Visionhire!

300
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,683
# Blood ba-ath!

301
00:19:52,683 --> 00:19:55,043
# Blood ba-ath!

302
00:19:55,043 --> 00:19:57,043
# Her hubby comes home

303
00:19:57,043 --> 00:19:59,243
# And he gives her a kiss

304
00:19:59,243 --> 00:20:02,643
# She puts the gun in his mouth
and says

305
00:20:02,643 --> 00:20:04,523
# SUCK ON THIS!

306
00:20:04,523 --> 00:20:06,843
# Blood ba-ath!

307
00:20:06,843 --> 00:20:09,323
# Blood ba-ath!

308
00:20:09,323 --> 00:20:11,523
# Blood ba-ath!
Blo-o-od!

309
00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:13,923
# Blood ba-ath!
Blo-o-od!

310
00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:15,883
# Blo-o-od!

311
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,043
# Blood! Blood!

312
00:20:17,043 --> 00:20:18,563
# Blood! Blood!

313
00:20:18,563 --> 00:20:21,683
# Blood! Blood! Aa-ah-h-h!

314
00:20:21,683 --> 00:20:26,203
# Suck on thi-i-is...! #

315
00:20:26,203 --> 00:20:29,243
APPLAUSE

316
00:20:31,843 --> 00:20:34,283
No, no. No!

317
00:20:34,283 --> 00:20:38,523
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
No, no. No.

318
00:20:38,523 --> 00:20:40,603
Ladies...

319
00:20:40,603 --> 00:20:44,243
..Ladies and gentlemen,
I must apologise.

320
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,643
I had no idea of the full content
of that song.

321
00:20:47,643 --> 00:20:51,203
To any young people watching,
let me say this.

322
00:20:51,203 --> 00:20:55,683
Whilst it may be all right
for a rock band to sing about it,

323
00:20:55,683 --> 00:21:00,643
murder, be it domestic or genocide,
is illegal in this country.

324
00:21:00,643 --> 00:21:03,603
What was that? It was a song.

325
00:21:03,603 --> 00:21:09,563
It started so well. You whipped the
skirt off, like Buck's Fizz. Then...

326
00:21:09,563 --> 00:21:12,803
Do you mind standing here
as you were told?

327
00:21:12,803 --> 00:21:15,003
Please, come back.

328
00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:21,443
Shona McGough's single is
in the shops, if you want
to annoy your neighbours!

329
00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:27,443
Right. I've just been told Roger
Moore is at Chiswick roundabout...

330
00:21:28,403 --> 00:21:31,523
Still there? He shouldn't be there!

331
00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:34,883
I'll fill in
with a chat with Shona McGough.

332
00:21:34,883 --> 00:21:37,803
She's beaten me to it! Oh, dear!

333
00:21:37,803 --> 00:21:40,483
I need a chair.

334
00:21:42,003 --> 00:21:44,523
Don't do that, please.

335
00:21:44,523 --> 00:21:48,203
Sue. Sue Lewis.
Sorry, I n-need your chair.

336
00:21:48,203 --> 00:21:51,923
BAND BOOS
Just sit round there.

337
00:21:51,923 --> 00:21:55,923
Well, you're watching
Knowing Me, Knowing You

338
00:21:55,923 --> 00:22:01,323
with Alan Partridge. It's not quite
what we planned - but what the heck!

339
00:22:01,323 --> 00:22:05,763
You can't say it's not interesting.
Please don't say that.

340
00:22:05,763 --> 00:22:09,163
Don't do that. Stop it! Please.

341
00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:12,683
Ah! This is interesting -
a lady drummer!

342
00:22:12,683 --> 00:22:15,403
Eyes closed, could have been a man.

343
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:18,243
Thanks a lot!

344
00:22:18,243 --> 00:22:24,003
Do you want to put those pears back,
please? No. D'you want a pear?

345
00:22:24,003 --> 00:22:26,803
I'd really rather you didn't...

346
00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:30,563
What the heck! Rock'n'roll!
Let's have a pear!

347
00:22:31,603 --> 00:22:38,123
A question I've always wanted
to ask a Scotswoman - what has
a Scotsman got under his kilt?

348
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:40,443
His penis.

349
00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:42,803
I know what you think!

350
00:22:42,803 --> 00:22:46,723
You think I'm a big square. Yes!
Let me tell you,

351
00:22:46,723 --> 00:22:53,283
I've seen it all before.
I've inhaled hashish,
I had an Afro haircut.

352
00:22:53,283 --> 00:22:57,683
I went to all-weekend binges
to Prestatyn to see Wings.

353
00:22:57,683 --> 00:23:04,123
And Mike Oldfield,
Jean-Michel Jarre and The Eagles
could eat you lot for breakfast!

354
00:23:05,323 --> 00:23:09,163
You're quiet!
Just enjoying the show, mate.

355
00:23:11,883 --> 00:23:18,283
Let's move on
to the next part of the show,
"An Audience with Roger Moore".

356
00:23:18,283 --> 00:23:21,003
I'm going to invite Shona,

357
00:23:21,003 --> 00:23:25,683
Sue and Keith - not the band -
to join me in the Roger Moore room

358
00:23:25,683 --> 00:23:28,523
for an audience with Roger Moore!

359
00:23:28,523 --> 00:23:32,043
LOUD APPLAUSE

360
00:23:37,803 --> 00:23:41,763
Can we have two chairs! Two chairs?
Two chairs?

361
00:23:41,763 --> 00:23:47,483
Here we are in the Roger Moore room
for an audience with Roger Moore.

362
00:23:47,483 --> 00:23:50,643
Roger could have come in, sat there

363
00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:55,523
and chatted about things. We have
memorabilia from Roger's career.

364
00:23:55,523 --> 00:23:57,883
There's a James Bond car.

365
00:23:59,363 --> 00:24:04,203
There's a golden gun
from The Man with the Golden Gun.

366
00:24:04,203 --> 00:24:06,883
There's a Saint Annual.

367
00:24:06,883 --> 00:24:12,843
I was going to get him to read from
it with his lovely, warm voice.

368
00:24:12,843 --> 00:24:17,563
This was the show opening.
This was going to be marvellous.

369
00:24:17,563 --> 00:24:19,523
Curtains!

370
00:24:20,523 --> 00:24:25,923
Roger Moore! The quintessential
English gentleman.

371
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:29,603
APPLAUSE

372
00:24:29,603 --> 00:24:31,523
Who's not here.

373
00:24:31,523 --> 00:24:37,963
Now, Roger would have loved this -
I was going to introduce myself
by doing this.

374
00:24:37,963 --> 00:24:40,563
Ah-ha! Mr Bond.

375
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:44,083
I've been expecting you.

376
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:45,723
Which I had.

377
00:24:45,723 --> 00:24:48,403
It would have been fantastic.

378
00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:51,483
What's that? That's a nipple.

379
00:24:51,483 --> 00:24:53,283
What?

380
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,683
From The Man with the Golden Gun.
It's a third nipple.

381
00:24:57,683 --> 00:25:00,523
That's a gold finger.

382
00:25:00,523 --> 00:25:04,523
ģ
Sean Connery was Goldfinger.
That was a trick.

383
00:25:04,523 --> 00:25:11,843
Sean Connery was a better Bond.
Well, interesting you take that
position - the Scottish position.

384
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:17,603
In the whole Roger versus Sean
debate that's raged for 20 years,

385
00:25:17,603 --> 00:25:21,283
I have to say
I am firmly in the Roger camp.

386
00:25:21,283 --> 00:25:26,843
No-one could wear a safari suit with
the same degree of casuality as him.

387
00:25:26,843 --> 00:25:31,363
It's a complete shambles.
He's not here!

388
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:34,483
You tell them
Roger Moore's coming...

389
00:25:34,483 --> 00:25:39,323
Let me stop you in your tracks
because, ladies and gentlemen,

390
00:25:39,323 --> 00:25:42,363
Roger Moore IS on the show!

391
00:25:42,363 --> 00:25:46,083
We're having him right now, live...
Where is he?

392
00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:50,123
..live by telephone link-up
from the car on a mobile phone.

393
00:25:51,323 --> 00:25:55,043
Hello, Roger! Hello, Roger.
'Hello, Alan.'

394
00:25:55,043 --> 00:25:57,683
Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore!

395
00:25:57,683 --> 00:26:02,083
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Roger Moore. Ah-ha!

396
00:26:02,083 --> 00:26:05,283
FUZZY CRACKLING
Roger? No, all right.

397
00:26:05,283 --> 00:26:08,323
I'll cut straight to a key question.

398
00:26:08,323 --> 00:26:13,203
A hypothetical fistfight takes place
between Simon Templar, the Saint,

399
00:26:13,203 --> 00:26:15,843
and Roger Moore, James Bond 007.

400
00:26:15,843 --> 00:26:17,363
Who wins?

401
00:26:17,363 --> 00:26:20,723
STATIC
Any thoughts on that, Roger?

402
00:26:22,323 --> 00:26:24,363
Roger?

403
00:26:26,083 --> 00:26:27,603
Roger!

404
00:26:28,843 --> 00:26:30,803
Roger!!

405
00:26:32,363 --> 00:26:33,763
ROGER!!

406
00:26:38,443 --> 00:26:41,683
Does "Titanic" mean anything to you?

407
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:45,123
Oh, yeah, people go on about...
Titanic?!

408
00:26:45,123 --> 00:26:50,443
Let me tell you something. People
forget that on its maiden voyage,

409
00:26:50,443 --> 00:26:56,443
there were over a thousand miles of
cruising before it hit the iceberg.

410
00:26:58,083 --> 00:27:01,563
Anyway, he was on the show.
Doesn't count.

411
00:27:01,563 --> 00:27:04,563
Face it - he's Roger the Dodger.

412
00:27:04,563 --> 00:27:07,323
Am I right?
ALL: You're not wrong!

413
00:27:07,323 --> 00:27:11,123
All right. Point taken.
But we can rescue it.

414
00:27:11,123 --> 00:27:15,163
Let's call this "Right to Reply
with Alan Partridge".

415
00:27:15,163 --> 00:27:17,723
Let me hear any criticisms.

416
00:27:17,723 --> 00:27:21,163
Criticisms?
A horse takes a dump on your show!

417
00:27:21,163 --> 00:27:23,923
No manners, but what a critic!

418
00:27:23,923 --> 00:27:26,203
LAUGHTER

419
00:27:26,203 --> 00:27:31,323
You get a horse with a jump on.
She won't jump it. I couldn't.

420
00:27:31,323 --> 00:27:34,363
It was dangerous.
You get a band on,

421
00:27:34,363 --> 00:27:39,763
you slag us off the minute we
appear. Vegetarians - we get ham
sandwiches.

422
00:27:39,763 --> 00:27:42,443
You get me own kid on!

423
00:27:42,443 --> 00:27:45,803
When the Director General
of the BBC...

424
00:27:45,803 --> 00:27:47,923
Up yours!

425
00:27:47,923 --> 00:27:49,963
Up yours!!

426
00:27:51,043 --> 00:27:54,683
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES

427
00:27:56,763 --> 00:28:01,003
You can't say that. Kiss my arse!

428
00:28:07,083 --> 00:28:10,523
And on that bombshell,
it's time for me to say

429
00:28:10,523 --> 00:28:13,763
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you,

430
00:28:13,763 --> 00:28:15,643
Scotch lady.

431
00:28:15,643 --> 00:28:20,163
Knowing you, the Hunt,
and knowing you, Mrs Mouse.

432
00:28:20,163 --> 00:28:27,203
And I've just been told Roger Moore
has just checked into Claridges
where he's ordered room service.

433
00:28:27,203 --> 00:28:29,003
AH-HA!