1 00:00:09,123 --> 00:00:11,203 # Knowing me, knowing you 2 00:00:11,203 --> 00:00:12,403 # Ah-ha 3 00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:14,563 # There is nothing we can do 4 00:00:14,563 --> 00:00:16,643 # Knowing me, knowing you 5 00:00:16,643 --> 00:00:17,843 # Ah-ha 6 00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:23,003 # We just have to face it, this time we're through 7 00:00:24,043 --> 00:00:26,123 # Knowing me, knowing you! # 8 00:00:26,123 --> 00:00:28,163 Ah-ha! 9 00:00:28,163 --> 00:00:30,483 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:38,443 --> 00:00:40,563 # Knowing me, knowing you! # 11 00:00:41,483 --> 00:00:43,203 Welcome! 12 00:00:43,203 --> 00:00:46,363 Welcome to... Shh! 13 00:00:46,363 --> 00:00:49,043 Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You. 14 00:00:49,043 --> 00:00:53,643 It's a chat-show, but not as we know it. DRUM ROLL 15 00:00:54,963 --> 00:01:00,323 Well, it's official. This show is a smash hit sensation. 16 00:01:00,323 --> 00:01:02,923 A corking copper-bottomed hit. 17 00:01:02,923 --> 00:01:07,803 Those are the words of Mike Taylor from TV Quick. 18 00:01:07,803 --> 00:01:09,363 Of course, 19 00:01:09,363 --> 00:01:13,403 there have been dissenters - the clever-clog papers - 20 00:01:13,403 --> 00:01:17,883 Independent, Guardian, Observer... They've been a bit sniffy. 21 00:01:17,883 --> 00:01:22,683 One review caught my eye. The Times called this show "moribund"! 22 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:26,083 I looked up "moribund" in my dictionary. 23 00:01:26,083 --> 00:01:30,123 It said "Moribund - adjective meaning about to die." 24 00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:33,443 I ask you - is this show about to die?! 25 00:01:33,443 --> 00:01:34,803 AUDIENCE: NO! 26 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:40,163 Thank you. So, Mr Philip Parsons from "behind The Times"... DRUM ROLL 27 00:01:40,163 --> 00:01:42,763 ..that proves that you are wrong. 28 00:01:44,163 --> 00:01:48,323 The show is very much alive... AND live! 29 00:01:48,323 --> 00:01:52,963 Tonight, I will be bringing you another TV chat show first, 30 00:01:52,963 --> 00:02:00,723 as I, Alan Partridge, let myself be strapped to a spinning wheel of death and have knives thrown at me. 31 00:02:00,723 --> 00:02:03,123 Is that moribund? No! 32 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,683 No, you don't shout that. 33 00:02:05,683 --> 00:02:10,883 So please welcome my un-moribund "merry band", my house band - 34 00:02:10,883 --> 00:02:13,523 Glenn Ponder and Debonair! 35 00:02:14,683 --> 00:02:16,803 # Knowing me, knowing you. # 36 00:02:19,523 --> 00:02:23,243 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-ha! 37 00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:24,163 Ah-ha! 38 00:02:24,163 --> 00:02:26,443 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Debonair, ah-ha! 39 00:02:26,443 --> 00:02:27,763 Ah-ha! 40 00:02:27,763 --> 00:02:31,523 Glenn, you're looking for a new house. Yes. 41 00:02:31,523 --> 00:02:35,803 I bought a house in Mayfair for £500. Really, Alan? 42 00:02:35,803 --> 00:02:39,443 Yes, I was playing Monopoly! DRUM ROLL 43 00:02:39,443 --> 00:02:45,163 Er...but seriously, Glenn, you ARE looking for somewhere. Yeah. 44 00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:48,243 Whereabouts? Chiswick area. 45 00:02:48,243 --> 00:02:53,843 Yeah, Chiswick...nice...nice. Glenn Ponder and Debonair! 46 00:02:53,843 --> 00:02:56,883 BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You" 47 00:03:05,243 --> 00:03:08,723 Was that chap moribund? I don't think so. 48 00:03:08,723 --> 00:03:13,163 Now, my first guest is intelligent, witty, a woman of the world, 49 00:03:13,163 --> 00:03:20,923 with a figure to stop traffic dead on the M1 if she wiggled across the footbridge at Toddington services. 50 00:03:20,923 --> 00:03:25,963 She's a quality guest from top to bottom and back up again. 51 00:03:25,963 --> 00:03:31,123 Please welcome the new agony aunt from Playboy magazine, stay tuned, 52 00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:33,643 the very lovely Daniella Forest. 53 00:03:36,323 --> 00:03:39,643 # Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight 54 00:03:39,643 --> 00:03:43,283 # Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away 55 00:03:43,283 --> 00:03:46,603 # Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight... # 56 00:03:48,523 --> 00:03:49,963 Ah! 57 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:52,323 Isn't she...isn't... 58 00:03:52,323 --> 00:03:54,203 ..isn't she lovely? 59 00:03:54,203 --> 00:03:56,123 Phew-phwoo! 60 00:03:56,123 --> 00:04:01,003 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Daniella Forest, ah-ha! 61 00:04:01,003 --> 00:04:02,203 Ah-ha! 62 00:04:02,203 --> 00:04:06,563 Ooh! That's the sexiest "ah-ha" I've ever had! 63 00:04:06,563 --> 00:04:12,363 I almost forgot, I normally kiss my guests when they first come on... 64 00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:16,403 Not the men. I give them a firm handshake. 65 00:04:16,403 --> 00:04:19,163 Can we do the kiss quickly? 66 00:04:19,163 --> 00:04:24,563 Sure! Where do you want to kiss me? Peachy cheek or little round mouth? 67 00:04:24,563 --> 00:04:26,443 Little round mouth. 68 00:04:26,443 --> 00:04:29,163 Come on, then. Right. 69 00:04:29,163 --> 00:04:31,723 Are you going to kneel down? Yes. 70 00:04:31,723 --> 00:04:33,643 Right down. 71 00:04:38,243 --> 00:04:43,363 Pop back in your seat. Er...yes. Er...right. 72 00:04:43,363 --> 00:04:48,763 Now, D...Daniella Forest, you are Playboy's agony aunt, 73 00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:54,363 and you've just published your autobiography... Luck Be A Lady. 74 00:04:55,923 --> 00:04:59,763 It's published by Jones, never heard of them... 75 00:04:59,763 --> 00:05:03,043 What comes across very strongly 76 00:05:03,043 --> 00:05:06,483 is your understanding of male psychology. 77 00:05:06,483 --> 00:05:10,683 Well, I think I understand men because I adore them. 78 00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:16,763 And WHAT, as a woman, do you look for in a man? 79 00:05:16,763 --> 00:05:21,003 Power is attractive...sensitivity... 80 00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:23,163 Mmm. 81 00:05:23,163 --> 00:05:24,883 ..sense of humour... 82 00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:29,643 I like a man who knows who he is. 83 00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:32,443 I'm Alan Partridge. Carry on. 84 00:05:32,443 --> 00:05:35,683 You know, I think... 85 00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:41,083 ..the most important thing I look for is a fit young body like a Greek god. 86 00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:42,523 Right. 87 00:05:44,163 --> 00:05:45,963 Now, you also... 88 00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:48,963 ..help people with sexual problems. 89 00:05:48,963 --> 00:05:51,683 Let's have a hypothetical problem. 90 00:05:52,883 --> 00:05:55,363 There's a couple. 91 00:05:55,363 --> 00:06:00,363 They've been married 15 years, maybe more and... 92 00:06:00,363 --> 00:06:05,083 ..neither of them has slept with anyone else. He's frustrated? 93 00:06:05,083 --> 00:06:09,163 Deeply, deeply. But that's only part of the problem. 94 00:06:09,163 --> 00:06:13,523 Their sex life is... for want of a better word, moribund. 95 00:06:13,523 --> 00:06:16,963 Well, people need to explore their sex lives. 96 00:06:16,963 --> 00:06:22,563 If it's not working in the bedroom, bring it into the lounge or kitchen. 97 00:06:23,563 --> 00:06:27,243 They tried that but the dog just wandered in. 98 00:06:27,243 --> 00:06:32,163 Yes, but you see...some people find it very sexy to be watched. 99 00:06:32,163 --> 00:06:34,483 Not by the dog! 100 00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:39,083 Montgomery was frightened. He was just barking. 101 00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:44,923 Who's Montgomery? 102 00:06:47,763 --> 00:06:51,963 The man who masterminded the battle of El Alamein... 103 00:06:55,083 --> 00:06:59,283 ..and the name of this dog. Have you got a dog? 104 00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:01,803 Yes. And what's his name? 105 00:07:03,283 --> 00:07:05,003 Rommel. 106 00:07:06,283 --> 00:07:13,763 Once again, here is a man shying away from discussing sex. When I was a man, I had the same problem. 107 00:07:13,763 --> 00:07:16,883 As a woman, I am liberated. 108 00:07:16,883 --> 00:07:21,003 Well, I'm pleased for you... Hang on a minute! 109 00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:25,283 WHO was a man? When I was a man. 110 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:30,923 What are you talking about? You have read my book? Yes. 111 00:07:30,923 --> 00:07:33,483 No, I never read the books. 112 00:07:33,483 --> 00:07:36,963 Who was a man? Who did you think Daniel was? 113 00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:39,843 I thought it was your twin brother. 114 00:07:39,843 --> 00:07:43,363 I was Daniel. I used to be a man. 115 00:07:47,643 --> 00:07:50,963 I can't believe you didn't know! I KISSED you! 116 00:07:50,963 --> 00:07:54,563 Why did you invite me on your show? 117 00:07:54,563 --> 00:08:00,723 I found you sexy! I could knock your block off! I'm a woman with breasts! 118 00:08:00,723 --> 00:08:03,403 You should be in a circus! 119 00:08:03,403 --> 00:08:06,203 Well, you'd be in the front row. 120 00:08:06,203 --> 00:08:10,803 There she goes...there HE goes, I should say. What do you want? 121 00:08:10,803 --> 00:08:12,123 No! No! 122 00:08:12,123 --> 00:08:14,483 Ah-ha! 123 00:08:18,003 --> 00:08:21,403 I knew there was something dodgy about you. 124 00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:26,123 Your hands are a giveaway. Great big flapping hands like a bloke. 125 00:08:26,123 --> 00:08:28,523 You could be a goalkeeper! 126 00:08:28,523 --> 00:08:32,323 Glenn, did you know it was a man? Yeah. 127 00:08:35,043 --> 00:08:38,403 Debonair, did you know it was a man? ALL: Yeah. 128 00:08:38,403 --> 00:08:41,363 Everyone except muggins Partridge! 129 00:08:41,363 --> 00:08:45,683 Ladies and gentlemen, Dan "the man" Forest. 130 00:08:52,883 --> 00:08:54,243 Thanks. 131 00:08:54,243 --> 00:09:00,083 It's er...time now for a new regular feature of the series - 132 00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:05,123 "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, ANOTHER Alan Partridge". 133 00:09:05,123 --> 00:09:12,243 I meet a member of the public who shares my name and therefore can join that exclusive club - 134 00:09:12,243 --> 00:09:14,643 Club Alan Partridge. 135 00:09:14,643 --> 00:09:18,683 This week's Alan Partridge works on a Sealink ferry! 136 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:22,603 Please welcome Petty Officer Alan Partridge! 137 00:09:33,163 --> 00:09:39,083 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Petty Officer Partridge. Ah-ha! Ah-ha! 138 00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:43,403 You work on the Sealink ferry from Liverpool to Dublin 139 00:09:43,403 --> 00:09:48,883 and I imagine that's the sort of job where there's a lot of camaraderie 140 00:09:48,883 --> 00:09:53,043 between the...between... Is that the case? 141 00:09:54,603 --> 00:09:57,003 Why do you keep doing that? 142 00:09:57,003 --> 00:10:00,723 That with your face? I've got a facial tic. 143 00:10:00,723 --> 00:10:05,203 I'm sorry. I had no idea. It's OK. I've had it since I was a kid. 144 00:10:05,203 --> 00:10:11,963 Now, Alan Partridge, I imagine your workmates josh with you. Is that the case? 145 00:10:11,963 --> 00:10:15,083 They call me Tick-tock. Why? Cos of me tic. 146 00:10:15,083 --> 00:10:21,083 No, God, no! No, I mean because your name's Alan Partridge. Oh, no. 147 00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:28,083 What you do with your face is your choice. It's fine. Oh, there it is again! 148 00:10:28,083 --> 00:10:32,803 I want to present you with this now. It's the Alan Partridge tie... 149 00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:36,683 Oh, that was a big one! The Alan Partridge... 150 00:10:36,683 --> 00:10:40,083 ..tie and blazer badge combination pack. 151 00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:44,363 There you go. You take that. I'll put the tie on, 152 00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:49,243 if I can keep me 'ead still! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! 153 00:10:49,243 --> 00:10:51,883 What a marvellous sense of humour! 154 00:10:51,883 --> 00:10:55,243 Oh, there's... What a triumph of the human spirit! 155 00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,883 Ladies and gentlemen... 156 00:10:59,003 --> 00:11:01,843 ..ALAN PARTRIDGE! Go on, go! 157 00:11:01,843 --> 00:11:03,723 APPLAUSE 158 00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:11,603 Thanks now! Go! Go! 159 00:11:13,443 --> 00:11:18,123 Last night, I met a man who quite literally changed my life. 160 00:11:18,123 --> 00:11:21,563 He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment. 161 00:11:21,563 --> 00:11:26,003 I witnessed his mystical powers at the London Palladium. 162 00:11:26,003 --> 00:11:29,003 Welcome hypnotist, Tony Le Mesmer! 163 00:11:32,963 --> 00:11:38,403 Ladies and gentlemen. Enter the mysterious domain 164 00:11:38,403 --> 00:11:40,803 of Tony Le Mesmer. 165 00:11:48,563 --> 00:11:51,763 Behold the cage of Kathmandu. 166 00:11:57,283 --> 00:12:00,123 The void of solitude. 167 00:12:00,123 --> 00:12:02,403 The dance of Diabolos! 168 00:12:08,563 --> 00:12:10,763 The shroud. 169 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:17,003 The forces turn upon their axes. 170 00:12:21,683 --> 00:12:25,123 The summoning of the spirits of Telemachus. 171 00:12:46,043 --> 00:12:50,083 Marvellous! Marvellous! Tony, how did you do that? 172 00:12:50,083 --> 00:12:52,683 Simple. The power of the paranormal. 173 00:12:52,683 --> 00:12:56,083 It's not a lever or anything. No. 174 00:12:56,083 --> 00:13:01,563 You tell us about it now. Tina, see you later for the wheel of death. 175 00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:05,003 Very nice! 176 00:13:05,003 --> 00:13:07,403 Now that IS a woman! 177 00:13:07,403 --> 00:13:09,283 OK, Tony. 178 00:13:09,283 --> 00:13:11,363 Tony Le Mesmer! 179 00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:22,083 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tony Le Mesmer. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 180 00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:27,203 Buddha...the Dalai Lama... Nostradamus... 181 00:13:27,203 --> 00:13:29,923 ..that man The Beatles went to see, 182 00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:32,843 Uri Geller, and now... 183 00:13:32,843 --> 00:13:34,643 ..Tony Le Mesmer. 184 00:13:34,643 --> 00:13:38,203 What is it about you lot that sets you apart 185 00:13:38,203 --> 00:13:42,443 from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge? 186 00:13:42,443 --> 00:13:45,963 We are all shamen on a spiritual quest. 187 00:13:45,963 --> 00:13:51,003 And we travel on this journey using the energy of the life force. 188 00:13:51,003 --> 00:13:54,843 I'm gonna pin you down. Can you be more specific? 189 00:13:54,843 --> 00:13:59,243 I am a man who harnesses the harmony within us all. 190 00:13:59,243 --> 00:14:02,483 No, that's more vague. 191 00:14:02,483 --> 00:14:05,883 I want you to be more specific. OK, Alan. 192 00:14:05,883 --> 00:14:08,363 I'm interested in dreams. 193 00:14:08,363 --> 00:14:11,483 Right, now you're being interesting. 194 00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:21,283 Because I often have a recurring dream in which I am an owl. As an owl, how do you feel different? 195 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,123 Smaller. 196 00:14:24,123 --> 00:14:28,003 More agile, able to fly. Able to fly! 197 00:14:28,003 --> 00:14:30,203 Perhaps you want freedom. 198 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:34,803 What else? Now, I can rotate my head 360 degrees! 199 00:14:34,803 --> 00:14:39,683 It's a real boon when you're driving cos it eliminates the blind spot. 200 00:14:41,443 --> 00:14:43,803 Anything else you can do? 201 00:14:43,803 --> 00:14:47,323 Yes. I can emit pellets. 202 00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:52,843 Can't help you there. Sorry. No? 203 00:14:52,843 --> 00:15:00,123 Oh, well. If anyone can shed light on why Alan Partridge might want to emit pellets as an owl, 204 00:15:00,123 --> 00:15:05,243 drop a line to the usual address and mark your envelope "pellets". 205 00:15:07,963 --> 00:15:11,843 We're gonna have a bit of fun now because, Tony, 206 00:15:11,843 --> 00:15:14,323 you are going to hypnotise me. Yes. 207 00:15:14,323 --> 00:15:19,163 Ok, this may take a few minutes so don't...worry... 208 00:15:19,163 --> 00:15:25,083 ..if it takes some...time... Five, four, three, two, one. 209 00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:29,523 Alan Partridge is now totally hypnotised and in my control. 210 00:15:29,523 --> 00:15:31,963 Is that so, Alan? Yes. 211 00:15:31,963 --> 00:15:36,403 Let's put it to the test. Alan, when I say the word, "owl", 212 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:42,723 I want you to be that owl emitting a pellet and feeling happy with yourself. Owl. 213 00:15:42,723 --> 00:15:44,323 Whoo! 214 00:15:52,083 --> 00:15:53,603 Whoo! 215 00:15:54,643 --> 00:16:01,403 Excellent. When you hear the word "ah-ha", I want you to be a scary monster. Ah-ha! 216 00:16:01,403 --> 00:16:03,363 Grrrrr! 217 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:07,923 Very good. Stop. If you could make love to any woman, 218 00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:10,923 except your wife, who would it be? 219 00:16:10,923 --> 00:16:12,763 Ursula Andress. 220 00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:18,603 OK, when I click my fingers, I want you to see me as Ursula Andress. 221 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:25,363 Ursula! I've always wanted to meet you. I can't believe it. The bikini's very nice! 222 00:16:25,363 --> 00:16:30,683 I love all your films, all of them - Dr No through to...all the others. 223 00:16:30,683 --> 00:16:35,483 Enough! Is there anywhere we can go and make mad, passionate love? 224 00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:39,963 Er...God, yes. Er... The Moathouse Hotel in High Wycombe. 225 00:16:39,963 --> 00:16:44,643 Er...they know me there. They're very discreet. 226 00:16:44,643 --> 00:16:48,203 You'll love it. It's got a 24-hour carvery. 227 00:16:48,203 --> 00:16:49,563 Stop. 228 00:16:49,563 --> 00:16:52,763 Alan, when I click my fingers again, 229 00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:55,123 we'll be on the way to High Wycombe. 230 00:16:55,123 --> 00:16:57,563 It only takes 15 to 20 minutes. 231 00:16:57,563 --> 00:17:03,403 Can we pull over now and make love? Not on the motorway. That's illegal. 232 00:17:03,403 --> 00:17:06,403 But Alan, I'm begging you, please! 233 00:17:06,403 --> 00:17:12,203 It's an offence to stop on the hard shoulder unless there's a malfunction. 234 00:17:12,203 --> 00:17:15,043 I'm taking my top off! Look... 235 00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:19,603 ..if I get caught in flagrante while violating the highway code, 236 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:24,043 my wife will find out and I'll get three points on my license. 237 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:28,803 That's not gonna happen. Now put your top on and get out! 238 00:17:28,803 --> 00:17:32,203 Go, go! Get out! Wake up. 239 00:17:32,203 --> 00:17:36,803 As I say, it'll take a few seconds before I'm hypnotised... 240 00:17:36,803 --> 00:17:42,523 It's all over. You've hypnotised me? I hope I didn't look too foolish. 241 00:17:42,523 --> 00:17:44,963 Of course you didn't, Alan. 242 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:51,763 Tony, see you later for the Wheel of Death. Just to say thank you very much, 243 00:17:51,763 --> 00:17:53,603 Tony Le Mesmer! 244 00:17:58,883 --> 00:18:04,443 Now, Hollywood is much, much more than nine big letters on a hill. 245 00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:09,723 It's...it's a sexy, dangerous place. A hustlin', wheelin', dealin' town, 246 00:18:09,723 --> 00:18:13,683 where money talks and nonsense walks. 247 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:17,083 I've never been there but my next guests have. 248 00:18:17,083 --> 00:18:23,883 They are a British married couple of actors who live and work in Tinseltown Stateside. 249 00:18:23,883 --> 00:18:28,723 I want to get to know them. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do! 250 00:18:28,723 --> 00:18:32,323 Please welcome, Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont! 251 00:18:34,203 --> 00:18:36,443 # Love me or leave me 252 00:18:36,443 --> 00:18:41,283 # Make your choice and believe me 253 00:18:41,283 --> 00:18:43,603 # And I do 254 00:18:43,603 --> 00:18:48,203 # I do, I do, I do, I do, I do... # 255 00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:53,163 Ah! Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, 256 00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:56,323 Tania Beaumont, ah-ha! Grrr! 257 00:18:58,643 --> 00:19:00,163 Ah-ha. 258 00:19:00,163 --> 00:19:01,603 Grrr! 259 00:19:01,603 --> 00:19:05,203 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Gary Barker, ah-ha! Grrr! 260 00:19:08,723 --> 00:19:10,243 Ah-ha. 261 00:19:10,243 --> 00:19:11,163 Grrr! 262 00:19:12,603 --> 00:19:17,043 You wanted to make a statement. This is your platform. 263 00:19:17,043 --> 00:19:19,283 Please, be my guests. 264 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:24,523 As you know, there is speculation in the press about our marriage... 265 00:19:24,523 --> 00:19:31,123 I had that treatment myself. You know Philip Parsons? He called the show "moribund"! 266 00:19:31,123 --> 00:19:32,763 You know? 267 00:19:32,763 --> 00:19:37,883 Philip Parsons, in five minutes, I will be tied to a wheel of death, 268 00:19:37,883 --> 00:19:43,563 and you will have a plate with some words on it and a knife and fork. 269 00:19:49,163 --> 00:19:50,803 Sorry, Tania. 270 00:19:50,803 --> 00:19:52,563 Well... I mean... 271 00:19:52,563 --> 00:19:55,163 ..you're gonna eat your words! 272 00:19:55,163 --> 00:19:57,483 Sorry, Tania. 273 00:19:57,483 --> 00:20:01,923 We just want to say to the tabloids we're very much married. 274 00:20:01,923 --> 00:20:06,363 There's a lot of real news out there - poverty, homelessness. 275 00:20:06,363 --> 00:20:12,763 Please, report that. Leave us alone. We're just ordinary people who make movies. 276 00:20:12,763 --> 00:20:15,443 Lovely! Lovely, er... 277 00:20:15,443 --> 00:20:17,803 Gary, do you want to add anything? 278 00:20:17,803 --> 00:20:20,043 No, er...yeah. 279 00:20:21,163 --> 00:20:24,923 Are you all right? I'm just wondering 280 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:28,483 about the glasses. You've not got a stye? 281 00:20:32,723 --> 00:20:34,163 No. 282 00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:39,003 Er...Tania... Sorry, is he wearing those to look cool? 283 00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:43,283 Yes, he is. Gary, like the glasses. Where d'you get them? 284 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,923 Auction. They were James Dean's. He died in them. 285 00:20:46,923 --> 00:20:51,803 Really? They look quite small. No wonder he lost control of the car! 286 00:20:53,443 --> 00:20:55,443 No? 287 00:20:57,723 --> 00:21:03,803 You've just flown in from Hollywood. What's it like to be back in London? 288 00:21:03,803 --> 00:21:09,283 It's a relief to be amongst ordinary people. Where's that? The Savoy. 289 00:21:09,283 --> 00:21:13,043 Marvellous. Who's paying? You are. 290 00:21:13,043 --> 00:21:18,123 Really? Are we...? Is that true? Are we paying? Yes! 291 00:21:18,123 --> 00:21:23,363 Yes, we are. Enjoy yourselves. Just easy on the room service. 292 00:21:23,363 --> 00:21:27,723 Chicken in a basket. That's your lot. No, seriously, 293 00:21:27,723 --> 00:21:30,243 have a drink, just don't go mad. 294 00:21:30,243 --> 00:21:35,803 Some people, they empty the mini-bar into a carrier bag. That's not on. 295 00:21:37,403 --> 00:21:42,483 Er...you...you are known as the wild man of Hollywood. 296 00:21:42,483 --> 00:21:49,883 Some of the wild things you've done. I've got some here. Gary sawed the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar! 297 00:21:49,883 --> 00:21:55,883 He drove a Harley-Davidson motorbike into Bruce Willis's patio doors... 298 00:21:55,883 --> 00:21:59,563 What else have you done? Punched Angela Lansbury. 299 00:21:59,563 --> 00:22:02,083 Yeah, that was nasty. It was nasty. 300 00:22:04,443 --> 00:22:09,923 It says you also threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat! 301 00:22:09,923 --> 00:22:11,883 Other way round. 302 00:22:11,883 --> 00:22:16,483 You threw a cat at Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle? 303 00:22:16,483 --> 00:22:23,203 No. I threw a kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat. That's what I said. No. 304 00:22:23,203 --> 00:22:30,763 You said Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle. I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat. 305 00:22:35,403 --> 00:22:40,243 It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's kettle. Right. It was Whoopi Goldberg's cat. 306 00:22:40,243 --> 00:22:42,803 So whose copper kettle was it? 307 00:22:44,723 --> 00:22:46,283 Angela Lansbury's 308 00:22:46,283 --> 00:22:50,083 Tania, has he ever thrown a kettle at you? 309 00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:55,043 No, it's one of the few things he's never thrown at me. Really? Joke. OK. 310 00:22:55,043 --> 00:22:58,283 "Tania's breasts." Sorry! 311 00:22:58,283 --> 00:23:00,683 That's just my notes. 312 00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:02,883 Sorry. 313 00:23:02,883 --> 00:23:08,723 You're one of those great actresses who, if the role demands it, 314 00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:12,403 you're quite prepared to expose yourself. 315 00:23:12,403 --> 00:23:16,483 I'm glad you value my acting so highly. I do! 316 00:23:16,483 --> 00:23:19,163 Your name is a seal of quality. 317 00:23:19,163 --> 00:23:24,163 It says, "See the film, lads. You won't go home empty-handed." 318 00:23:27,683 --> 00:23:33,363 I really think that my films are more than just titillation. 319 00:23:33,363 --> 00:23:35,483 Mmm! 320 00:23:35,483 --> 00:23:42,963 I can only suggest that if you wish to go and see Tania's unexpurgated adult breast show, 321 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:47,763 that you pop down to the local cinema...or marry her! 322 00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:52,923 That's no guarantee. 323 00:23:59,843 --> 00:24:06,843 Gary, we hear that you used to be a mobile office equipment maintenance engineer. 324 00:24:06,843 --> 00:24:09,403 Yeah, briefly. 325 00:24:09,403 --> 00:24:13,563 Three years. Got the sack. No, you're lying! 326 00:24:13,563 --> 00:24:19,043 You were awarded maintenance engineer of the month! Well done! 327 00:24:19,043 --> 00:24:24,963 I've got a broken photocopier at my office in Norwich. Can you fix that? 328 00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:28,603 You think I'm going to Norwich to do that?! 329 00:24:28,603 --> 00:24:31,723 There's no need! Because Mohammed... 330 00:24:31,723 --> 00:24:37,203 ..Mohammed has...Mohammed has moved the mountain to you! 331 00:24:37,203 --> 00:24:40,723 It's not a mountain. It's a photocopier. 332 00:24:40,723 --> 00:24:45,563 Although, it was driven here in an Astramax by a man called Mohammed. 333 00:24:45,563 --> 00:24:49,243 Please bring on the broken photocopier! 334 00:24:56,883 --> 00:25:03,083 We've got the photocopier. Will you rise to Alan's challenge and mend it? 335 00:25:03,083 --> 00:25:04,843 No. 336 00:25:04,843 --> 00:25:10,283 Do you want him to mend it? AUDIENCE: YES! 337 00:25:10,283 --> 00:25:12,923 You can't do it! Course I can. 338 00:25:12,923 --> 00:25:17,483 I don't believe you. What model is it? Z-60. 339 00:25:17,483 --> 00:25:21,523 Mono- or multi-feed? Mono. Easy. Prove it. 340 00:25:26,523 --> 00:25:28,803 AUDIENCE CHEERS 341 00:25:35,003 --> 00:25:39,803 It hasn't been reset after a paper jam. Really? 342 00:25:39,803 --> 00:25:44,243 That's interesting. Where d'you put your paper clips? Just around. 343 00:25:44,243 --> 00:25:47,043 Yeah. They get lost. Stick 'em there. 344 00:25:47,043 --> 00:25:51,483 But what happens... How will they stay? 345 00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:54,963 Magnetic. That's interesting! Nice feature. 346 00:25:54,963 --> 00:25:57,043 Worth knowing. Yeah. 347 00:25:57,043 --> 00:26:03,083 Nice machine. Should have no trouble. I don't do that shit any more! 348 00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:06,923 Oh, look, he's mended it! Whoa! What a dude! 349 00:26:06,923 --> 00:26:10,963 Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont! 350 00:26:18,123 --> 00:26:25,443 The wheel has turned full circle for Tania and Gary and now it must turn for me. The wheel of death. 351 00:26:25,443 --> 00:26:30,363 At the beginning of the show, I said I would have knives thrown at me, 352 00:26:30,363 --> 00:26:35,043 to prove that my show - I own the copyright - is not moribund. 353 00:26:35,043 --> 00:26:42,243 A lesser man - Michael Aspel - would walk away from a wheel of death saying, "It's too dangerous." 354 00:26:42,243 --> 00:26:48,763 I, however, embrace the wheel, saying, "Come daggers. You may pierce my flesh. 355 00:26:48,763 --> 00:26:53,203 "But you will not stem my chat. Of that, there's no doubt." 356 00:26:53,203 --> 00:26:58,403 Please welcome back magic man, Tony Le Mesmer and Tina! 357 00:27:07,203 --> 00:27:13,643 Every evening, in my show at the Palladium, which runs until the end of this month, 358 00:27:13,643 --> 00:27:17,723 I get a member of the audience on stage and ask them 359 00:27:17,723 --> 00:27:21,043 to overcome their fears on the wheel of death. 360 00:27:21,043 --> 00:27:24,363 Tonight, Alan is that person. How do you feel? 361 00:27:24,363 --> 00:27:30,243 Confident. I am risking my life for chat. Oh, and Philip Parsons! 362 00:27:30,243 --> 00:27:35,603 Get a knife and fork and a plate, put your words on that plate, 363 00:27:35,603 --> 00:27:38,603 add a bit of humble pie and eat it! 364 00:27:38,603 --> 00:27:40,963 Right. Commence spinning... 365 00:27:40,963 --> 00:27:43,363 ..the wheel of death! 366 00:27:44,603 --> 00:27:48,003 As the wheel of death spins inexorably, 367 00:27:48,003 --> 00:27:54,723 Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash the deadly daggers of Damazon. 368 00:27:54,723 --> 00:27:57,843 I've changed my mind. Sorry! Drum roll! 369 00:27:57,843 --> 00:28:01,883 There isn't time. We'll do it next week! 370 00:28:01,883 --> 00:28:04,203 Stop! PLEASE! 371 00:28:04,203 --> 00:28:06,643 This is madness! 372 00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:09,643 Don't, you stupid man! 373 00:28:09,643 --> 00:28:12,363 God! No! 374 00:28:12,363 --> 00:28:17,523 Philip Parsons, you're right. The show IS moribund! Please! 375 00:28:17,523 --> 00:28:20,443 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 376 00:28:20,443 --> 00:28:23,043 I've done it! I've done it! 377 00:28:23,043 --> 00:28:26,763 On that bombshell, it's time for me to say 378 00:28:26,763 --> 00:28:30,803 knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, freak woman/man, 379 00:28:30,803 --> 00:28:34,483 knowing you, the slut actress and Mr Floppy, the actor, 380 00:28:34,483 --> 00:28:41,163 and knowing you, Mr Loony Man with the knives. Goodnight and ah-ha! Grrr! 381 00:28:49,243 --> 00:28:52,443 Subtitles by David Padmore BBC - 1994 382 00:28:52,443 --> 00:28:55,003 Can you get me off the wheel now? 383 00:28:55,003 --> 00:28:57,283 I've done it! 384 00:28:57,283 --> 00:29:00,723 Can we get one of the researchers? That Naomi! 385 00:29:00,723 --> 00:29:03,763 Get me off. Is Naomi there? 386 00:29:03,763 --> 00:29:06,443 Tell her to come and get me off. 387 00:29:06,443 --> 00:29:08,283 It's over now. 388 00:29:08,283 --> 00:29:10,723 My trousers are wet!