1 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:12,803 # Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha 2 00:00:12,803 --> 00:00:15,243 # There is nothing we can do 3 00:00:15,243 --> 00:00:18,523 # Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha 4 00:00:18,523 --> 00:00:23,683 # We just have to face it This time we're through 5 00:00:24,403 --> 00:00:26,403 # Knowing me, knowing you. # 6 00:00:26,403 --> 00:00:28,923 A-ha! 7 00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:30,923 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:46,283 --> 00:00:47,803 Welcome! 9 00:00:47,803 --> 00:00:49,323 Welcome! 10 00:00:49,323 --> 00:00:53,843 Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, with me, Alan Partridge. 11 00:00:53,843 --> 00:00:56,203 Tonight, I am a rocket. 12 00:00:56,203 --> 00:00:58,723 Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge, 13 00:00:58,723 --> 00:01:03,443 and enter the stratosphere, or, should I say, the CHATosphere! 14 00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:08,363 Tonight's show is... 15 00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:09,883 Tss! ..hot! 16 00:01:10,843 --> 00:01:12,403 How hot? 17 00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:16,523 Well, imagine Debbie Harry in camiknickers, 18 00:01:16,523 --> 00:01:19,923 spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan's People, 19 00:01:19,923 --> 00:01:22,363 in a sauna, in Bangkok. 20 00:01:22,363 --> 00:01:25,843 That's half as hot as tonight's show, 21 00:01:25,843 --> 00:01:31,483 because among my guests I've got the sexiest dance act in Europe, 22 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,003 Hot Pants. 23 00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:37,203 And, for the first time on an English-speaking chat show, 24 00:01:37,203 --> 00:01:39,243 a jacuzzi! 25 00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:41,843 APPLAUSE It's time now to welcome 26 00:01:41,843 --> 00:01:47,123 my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Ferrari! 27 00:01:47,123 --> 00:01:50,163 THEY PLAY SIGNATURE TUNE 28 00:01:54,483 --> 00:01:59,843 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha. A-ha. 29 00:01:59,843 --> 00:02:03,723 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Ferrari! A-ha. A-ha. 30 00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:09,003 Glenn, if this show was a train, do you know what kind it'd be? No. 31 00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:12,163 The CHATtanooga Choo-choo! 32 00:02:12,163 --> 00:02:14,803 But seriously... TRAIN WHISTLE 33 00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:18,363 What was that whistle noise? 34 00:02:18,363 --> 00:02:21,323 Meant to be the train, Alan. 35 00:02:21,323 --> 00:02:25,643 You didn't do that in rehearsal. Meant to be a surprise. 36 00:02:25,643 --> 00:02:31,883 Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn. Don't surprise me on a live television show. 37 00:02:31,883 --> 00:02:34,283 Little bit naughty, that. 38 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:38,203 Glenn Ponder and Ferrari! 39 00:02:52,203 --> 00:02:54,803 Ooh, this show is hot. 40 00:02:54,803 --> 00:02:57,163 Can really work up a thirst. 41 00:03:05,723 --> 00:03:08,643 My first guest is a singer. 42 00:03:08,643 --> 00:03:10,483 She's 41. 43 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:13,043 24 years ago, 44 00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:17,043 she was working in a shoe shop in Kansas City. 45 00:03:17,043 --> 00:03:22,163 A man came in and asked for a pair of size eight green platform shoes. 46 00:03:22,163 --> 00:03:25,603 As she slipped them on him, she sang to herself. 47 00:03:25,603 --> 00:03:32,443 He said, "I won't have these. The bridge is too low." Those were his actual words. 48 00:03:32,443 --> 00:03:37,883 "They don't fit, but your beautiful voice fits your face like a slipper. 49 00:03:37,883 --> 00:03:40,643 "I'm going to make you a star." 50 00:03:40,643 --> 00:03:43,163 That man was Neil Sedaka. 51 00:03:43,163 --> 00:03:45,683 He's not doing so well, but she is. 52 00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:50,603 America's biggest sensation, except Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli. 53 00:03:50,603 --> 00:03:53,043 Please welcome Gina Langland! 54 00:03:54,003 --> 00:03:56,083 # Thank you for the music 55 00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:58,483 # The songs I'm singing 56 00:03:58,483 --> 00:04:03,123 # Thanks for all the joy I'm bringing 57 00:04:03,123 --> 00:04:09,283 # Thank you for the music For giving it to me. # 58 00:04:12,843 --> 00:04:16,323 Oh, dear. Got an extra kiss for free, there. 59 00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:18,843 Not that you normally charge. 60 00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:21,163 Now... 61 00:04:21,163 --> 00:04:23,363 Now, Gina, you... 62 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:28,123 ..you can't stay long, cos you're due on stage soon at Earl's Court 63 00:04:28,123 --> 00:04:30,883 for the closing night of your tour. 64 00:04:30,883 --> 00:04:36,203 It's been wonderful, Alec. I had no idea I had so many fans. 65 00:04:36,203 --> 00:04:38,843 Why book Earl's Court? It's massive. 66 00:04:43,203 --> 00:04:46,803 Because it's just a wonderful venue. It is. 67 00:04:46,803 --> 00:04:49,683 They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition. 68 00:04:49,683 --> 00:04:51,523 I, er... 69 00:04:51,523 --> 00:04:55,683 I nearly opened it last year but I was pipped at the post 70 00:04:55,683 --> 00:04:59,243 by Dave Lee Travis...again! 71 00:04:59,243 --> 00:05:03,603 Now, Gina, we've got about four minutes left. Less now, actually. 72 00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:07,483 It would be great if you could stay a bit longer. 73 00:05:07,483 --> 00:05:11,163 I'd love to stay for the whole show, Alec, but I can't. 74 00:05:11,163 --> 00:05:14,563 We don't actually want you to stay for the WHOLE show. 75 00:05:14,563 --> 00:05:17,083 We just want you to stay a little bit longer. 76 00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,483 We HAVE got other guests. 77 00:05:19,483 --> 00:05:22,403 We've got Hot Pants. Stay tuned, fellas! Tss! 78 00:05:22,403 --> 00:05:26,963 Now, there's a present I want to give to you, right now. 79 00:05:26,963 --> 00:05:32,163 This is a new regular section of the show called "Alan's Big Pocket". 80 00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:39,123 I put my hand into my big pocket and I produce something I think my guest will like. 81 00:05:39,123 --> 00:05:43,363 So will you now please bring on Alan's Big Pocket! 82 00:05:43,363 --> 00:05:46,403 APPLAUSE 83 00:05:54,403 --> 00:05:56,883 Well, here it is, Alan's Big Pocket. 84 00:05:56,883 --> 00:06:00,243 And as you can see, it's a top jacket pocket. 85 00:06:00,243 --> 00:06:03,563 Let's turn out Alan's Big Pocket and see what's in it. 86 00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:06,243 It's two Victorian dogs! 87 00:06:06,243 --> 00:06:09,043 APPLAUSE 88 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:13,683 This one's, er... 89 00:06:13,683 --> 00:06:17,403 This is Sherlock Holmes. That's Queen Victoria. 90 00:06:17,403 --> 00:06:22,083 Gina, when I was on the phone to your manager in Los Angeles, 91 00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:26,043 he mentioned that you collect Victorian dogs. 92 00:06:26,043 --> 00:06:28,443 Voila, courtesy of Alan Partridge. 93 00:06:28,443 --> 00:06:31,363 Victorian dolls. 94 00:06:31,363 --> 00:06:33,723 What? I collect Victorian dolls. 95 00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:36,083 Not Victorian dogs. 96 00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:39,083 Well, what ARE Victorian dogs? 97 00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:41,203 I've no idea. 98 00:06:41,203 --> 00:06:45,483 We thought they'd be something like this. 99 00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:48,643 Listen, take them with you in the car to Earl's Court. 100 00:06:48,643 --> 00:06:52,483 If you don't like them, just let them out near the railway. 101 00:06:52,483 --> 00:06:54,803 I can't do that. OK, we'll do it. 102 00:06:54,803 --> 00:06:58,723 Get rid of the dogs. Ladies and gentlemen, two dogs! 103 00:06:58,723 --> 00:07:01,443 APPLAUSE 104 00:07:11,203 --> 00:07:15,363 Sorry, Alec. Alan. It was a lovely thought. 105 00:07:15,363 --> 00:07:19,523 Do you always do Alec's Big Pocket? ALAN's Big Pocket. 106 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:25,083 Do people stop you in the street and say, "Hey, Alec..." Are you deaf? 107 00:07:26,803 --> 00:07:30,043 I'm sorry? 108 00:07:30,043 --> 00:07:33,843 Yes, people do stop me. Do you know what I do? 109 00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:37,843 To save time - you'll like this - I have this. 110 00:07:37,843 --> 00:07:40,283 It's a stamp with my autograph on it. Ah! 111 00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:43,963 Basically, what I do, they give me a card, like this, 112 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:48,363 and I simply take the card, and I stamp my signature on. 113 00:07:48,363 --> 00:07:52,083 See? I give them that. That's my name. You read that. 114 00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,243 Alec Partridge. 115 00:07:54,243 --> 00:07:57,363 Read what it says. Alec Partridge. 116 00:07:57,363 --> 00:08:01,483 No, it says Alan. ALAN Partridge. Why? 117 00:08:01,483 --> 00:08:04,083 Because that's my name! 118 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:05,923 Oh, my God! 119 00:08:05,923 --> 00:08:08,243 I'm so sorry! 120 00:08:08,243 --> 00:08:09,443 It's OK. 121 00:08:09,443 --> 00:08:13,283 You must have thought I was being so rude, Alec! 122 00:08:13,283 --> 00:08:14,843 Alan! 123 00:08:14,843 --> 00:08:17,323 Alan! Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan 124 00:08:17,323 --> 00:08:20,003 Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan. 125 00:08:20,003 --> 00:08:23,043 My name is Alan Partridge. 126 00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:26,323 That's who I am. There. 127 00:08:26,323 --> 00:08:29,163 Alan Partridge. There's no excuse. 128 00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:31,683 It's the wrong way up. Right. There. 129 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,203 Fine. 130 00:08:36,163 --> 00:08:38,403 Can we sing the song now? Yes. 131 00:08:38,403 --> 00:08:43,403 Before Gina goes, I'd like to ask her one more question. 132 00:08:43,403 --> 00:08:46,403 Gina, do you like Abba? I love Abba. 133 00:08:46,403 --> 00:08:49,363 Would you do a medley with me now? 134 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:52,043 I couldn't possibly. 135 00:08:52,043 --> 00:08:55,243 Oh, why not, for goodness' sake? 136 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,643 Because...Alan... 137 00:08:58,403 --> 00:09:00,563 # I'm nothing special 138 00:09:00,563 --> 00:09:03,763 # In fact, I'm a bit of a bore... # 139 00:09:03,763 --> 00:09:05,443 No, you're not. 140 00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:09,563 But if I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before. 141 00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:12,483 I don't believe that. You have. 142 00:09:12,483 --> 00:09:14,123 # But I have a talent 143 00:09:14,123 --> 00:09:16,043 # A wonderful thing 144 00:09:16,043 --> 00:09:20,963 # Cos everyone listens when I start to sing 145 00:09:20,963 --> 00:09:23,803 # I'm so grateful and proud 146 00:09:25,043 --> 00:09:28,643 # All I want is to sing it out 147 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:33,363 # Lou-ou-ou-ou-ou-oud 148 00:09:36,083 --> 00:09:38,243 # Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance take-a-take-a-chance 149 00:09:38,243 --> 00:09:40,363 # Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance take-a-take-a-chance 150 00:09:40,363 --> 00:09:43,243 # Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance take-a-take-a-chance 151 00:09:43,243 --> 00:09:44,843 # If you change your mind 152 00:09:44,843 --> 00:09:46,963 # I'm the first in line 153 00:09:46,963 --> 00:09:48,883 # Honey, I'm still free 154 00:09:48,883 --> 00:09:50,763 # Take a chance on me 155 00:09:50,763 --> 00:09:53,003 # If you need me, let me know 156 00:09:53,003 --> 00:09:54,803 # Gonna be around 157 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:57,043 # If you've got no place to go 158 00:09:57,043 --> 00:09:59,163 # And you're feeling down 159 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,683 # Take a chance on me... # 160 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,923 That's all I ask, honey! 161 00:10:02,923 --> 00:10:06,523 # Take a chance on me... 162 00:10:07,923 --> 00:10:11,323 # Chiquitita, you and I know 163 00:10:11,323 --> 00:10:13,843 # Can you see the stars, Fernando? 164 00:10:13,843 --> 00:10:16,803 # The winner takes it all 165 00:10:16,803 --> 00:10:18,963 # Mamma mia 166 00:10:18,963 --> 00:10:21,563 # Here I go again 167 00:10:21,563 --> 00:10:25,123 # I have a dream 168 00:10:25,123 --> 00:10:26,803 # Gimme, gimme, gimme 169 00:10:26,803 --> 00:10:30,123 # A man after midnight 170 00:10:31,003 --> 00:10:35,363 # Voulez-vous 171 00:10:35,363 --> 00:10:36,403 A-ha! 172 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,123 # Take it now or leave it A-ha! 173 00:10:38,123 --> 00:10:39,443 # Now is all we get 174 00:10:39,443 --> 00:10:40,283 A-ha! 175 00:10:40,283 --> 00:10:43,723 # Nothing promised, no regrets 176 00:10:43,723 --> 00:10:44,563 Rub-a-dub-a! 177 00:10:44,563 --> 00:10:48,283 # Voulez-vous A-ha! 178 00:10:48,283 --> 00:10:50,243 # Ain't no big decision A-ha! 179 00:10:50,243 --> 00:10:52,283 # You know what to do A-ha! 180 00:10:52,283 --> 00:10:56,603 # I guessed you'll say voulez-vous Rub-a-dub-a! 181 00:10:56,603 --> 00:11:01,683 # Voulez-vous... 182 00:11:01,683 --> 00:11:03,363 # You can dance 183 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,763 # You can jive 184 00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:08,883 # Having the time of your life 185 00:11:08,883 --> 00:11:09,923 # Ooh-ooh-ooh 186 00:11:09,923 --> 00:11:11,883 # See that girl 187 00:11:11,883 --> 00:11:13,563 # Watch that scene 188 00:11:13,563 --> 00:11:16,923 # Digging the Dancing Queen 189 00:11:18,603 --> 00:11:20,843 HIGH: # Thank you for the music 190 00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:23,203 # The songs you're singing 191 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:27,723 # Thanks for all the joy you're bringing 192 00:11:27,803 --> 00:11:30,243 # Who could live without it 193 00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:33,643 # I ask in all honesty 194 00:11:33,643 --> 00:11:36,083 # What would life be 195 00:11:36,483 --> 00:11:40,563 # WITHOUT A SONG OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE? 196 00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:42,523 # SO I SAY 197 00:11:42,523 --> 00:11:44,643 DOWN AN OCTAVE: # Thank you for the music 198 00:11:44,643 --> 00:11:49,443 # For giving it to me 199 00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:52,163 # Waterloo-oo-oo-oo-oo 200 00:11:52,163 --> 00:11:57,483 # Knowing me, knowing youuuu... 201 00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:02,563 # A-haaaaa... # 202 00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:06,003 APPLAUSE AND CHEERS 203 00:12:15,963 --> 00:12:19,403 Aaah. Nice can of Spunt, there. 204 00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:22,363 Now... 205 00:12:22,363 --> 00:12:26,203 Schnell! Schnell! Achtung! Sieg heil! Jawohl! 206 00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:30,363 Those are just some of the comments shouted at my next guest 207 00:12:30,363 --> 00:12:33,763 at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. 208 00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:36,203 Why? Because she won gold for Britain 209 00:12:36,203 --> 00:12:39,803 in the 4 x 100m women's hurdles relay. 210 00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:42,443 She doesn't run any more - she's 78. 211 00:12:42,443 --> 00:12:46,963 Please welcome the Linford Christie of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan! 212 00:12:46,963 --> 00:12:49,123 APPLAUSE 213 00:12:49,123 --> 00:12:52,163 # The winner takes it all 214 00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:56,163 # The winner takes it all 215 00:12:56,163 --> 00:13:00,283 # The winner takes it all... # 216 00:13:00,283 --> 00:13:05,043 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Elsie Morgan. A-ha. 217 00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:07,403 No, you wait till I've said it. 218 00:13:07,403 --> 00:13:10,083 A-ha. A-ha. That's right. 219 00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:14,523 The 1936 Berlin Olympics. 220 00:13:14,523 --> 00:13:18,203 What did it feel like to run past the finishing line, 221 00:13:18,203 --> 00:13:21,763 knowing you'd just beaten the German and won gold for Britain? 222 00:13:21,763 --> 00:13:27,043 Thrilling, because we'd stitched up the Krauts. Lovely. Lovely. 223 00:13:27,043 --> 00:13:31,803 Is it true things were better in the olden days? 224 00:13:31,803 --> 00:13:34,763 Immediately after the war it was marvellous, 225 00:13:34,763 --> 00:13:38,603 because we had completely stitched up the Krauts. 226 00:13:41,123 --> 00:13:45,923 But then, after that, everything got very much worse, 227 00:13:45,923 --> 00:13:52,403 and there was a lot of immigration...and, inevitably, crime went up. 228 00:13:52,403 --> 00:13:56,843 Right, um... There must have been some positive things. 229 00:13:56,843 --> 00:13:59,803 I'll tell you a story. Please do. 230 00:14:00,803 --> 00:14:05,643 I brought my car in last week and parked it on one of those meters. 231 00:14:05,643 --> 00:14:09,243 I went into Debenhams and came out very quickly. 232 00:14:09,243 --> 00:14:14,003 There was an awful man writing me a parking ticket. 233 00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:15,283 I said, 234 00:14:15,283 --> 00:14:20,043 "Is it reasonable to give me a parking ticket for two minutes?" 235 00:14:20,043 --> 00:14:25,083 After a while he saw sense, admitted it was a bit silly and let me off. 236 00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:32,043 Good for him. But after I got home, I thought, "That man let me break the law." 237 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:39,003 He shouldn't have done that. No. 238 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:42,923 So I rang his employers and told them what happened. 239 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:50,203 Later on they rang me back and I was delighted to hear they'd dismissed him. 240 00:14:50,203 --> 00:14:52,403 Good riddance! 241 00:14:52,403 --> 00:14:55,003 Particularly as he was black. Er... 242 00:14:55,003 --> 00:14:56,403 Right, um... 243 00:14:56,403 --> 00:15:00,843 Tell us about sport. They don't play by our rules. 244 00:15:00,843 --> 00:15:03,643 Right, shut up. 245 00:15:03,643 --> 00:15:08,003 You can't say those things on TV any more. Why not? 246 00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:10,123 Shut it! ..Sorry. 247 00:15:10,123 --> 00:15:12,763 Sorry. Sorry. 248 00:15:12,763 --> 00:15:14,443 APPLAUSE 249 00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:18,723 Now, Elsie. 250 00:15:18,723 --> 00:15:21,363 I've got a surprise for you, 251 00:15:21,363 --> 00:15:26,243 because it's time, once again, to dip into Alan's Big Pocket! 252 00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:35,963 And...it's a pocket full of emotion. 253 00:15:35,963 --> 00:15:41,843 Tonight, we reunite Britain's hurdling golden girls of 1936. 254 00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:44,283 They haven't met for over 50 years. 255 00:15:44,283 --> 00:15:49,283 Sadly, Lindsay Farrow is no longer with us, but the other two are. 256 00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:51,803 Please come out of my Big Pocket, 257 00:15:51,803 --> 00:15:54,323 Anne Wylie and Georgina Clark! 258 00:15:54,323 --> 00:15:56,723 APPLAUSE 259 00:16:03,843 --> 00:16:06,203 Please, sit down. 260 00:16:06,203 --> 00:16:08,243 Marvellous. 261 00:16:08,243 --> 00:16:13,363 Let's talk about the race. 1936. 262 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:16,603 In those days, how did you cope with the pressure? 263 00:16:16,603 --> 00:16:20,243 I used to sing in the dressing room. Yes! You did! 264 00:16:20,243 --> 00:16:25,243 "We'll Gather Lilacs." Yes. Probably a forgotten memory now. Oh, no! 265 00:16:25,243 --> 00:16:27,403 # We'll gather lilacs 266 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:29,963 # In the spring again 267 00:16:32,563 --> 00:16:37,283 # And walk together down an English lane 268 00:16:37,283 --> 00:16:43,003 # When you come home once m-o-o-ore 269 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:48,563 # And in the evening in the twilight glow 270 00:16:48,563 --> 00:16:54,763 # I'll hold you close and never let you go-o-o-o... # 271 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:57,963 Marvellous. THEY ALL START TO SING No... 272 00:16:57,963 --> 00:17:00,203 All right. No. OK. Yeah. 273 00:17:00,203 --> 00:17:01,763 # ..And walk together... # 274 00:17:01,763 --> 00:17:04,923 Marvellous! Give them a round of applause! 275 00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:07,923 Marvellous! Lovely! Lovely! Great! 276 00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:10,443 That was... That was lovely. 277 00:17:10,443 --> 00:17:15,963 Well, at...this stage of the show, some of my viewers may be thinking, 278 00:17:15,963 --> 00:17:18,563 "Alan! You're a liar!" 279 00:17:18,563 --> 00:17:23,163 You said this would be hot and you're chatting to senior citizens. 280 00:17:23,163 --> 00:17:25,203 But, 281 00:17:25,203 --> 00:17:33,043 if I said I'll jump into a Tardis, go back in time and recreate the Berlin Olympics with the old women, 282 00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:36,123 you'd say, "That IS hot. We were wrong." 283 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:39,003 That's exactly what I'm going to do. 284 00:17:39,003 --> 00:17:46,003 Ladies, will you now please join me in my 1-6 scale Berlin Olympic Stadium? 285 00:17:46,003 --> 00:17:50,403 BAND PLAYS: "Deutschland Uber Alles" 286 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:08,563 You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on Grandstand in 1936, 287 00:18:08,563 --> 00:18:12,443 on this pleasant summer's morning, in Nazi Germany. 288 00:18:12,443 --> 00:18:14,963 Everyone's here. Hitler's in a box. 289 00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:19,123 Jesse Owens just waved at him. He doesn't like that. 290 00:18:19,123 --> 00:18:23,283 And we wait for the race to start. I'll fire a gun. 291 00:18:23,283 --> 00:18:26,163 It's loud. Don't let it worry you. 292 00:18:26,163 --> 00:18:28,283 On your marks, get set... 293 00:18:28,283 --> 00:18:30,483 She's off! 294 00:18:30,483 --> 00:18:34,563 It's Anne Wylie, fast as a bullet from a Luger. 295 00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:37,043 The first hurdle. She's cleared it! 296 00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:39,963 She's clear, landing like a tom cat! 297 00:18:39,963 --> 00:18:42,243 Off again, 298 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:47,883 and hands the baton to Lindsay Farrow, sadly no longer with us. 299 00:18:47,883 --> 00:18:52,203 She's represented by a cardboard cutout. 300 00:18:53,563 --> 00:18:56,083 It's a clean pass. 301 00:18:56,083 --> 00:19:00,123 Let's see what you're made of, Georgie girl! 302 00:19:00,123 --> 00:19:02,083 Kick that, love. 303 00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:05,603 Oh, dear! The hurdle has fallen! 304 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:08,523 It's down to Elsie! Can she do it? 305 00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:12,243 And she has! She's won the gold! CHEERING 306 00:19:14,243 --> 00:19:17,923 Ladies and gentlemen, the hurdlers of '36! 307 00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,723 APPLAUSE 308 00:19:28,403 --> 00:19:31,523 I have an announcement to make. 309 00:19:31,523 --> 00:19:36,443 Last week, I had naked sex with the Home Secretary, 310 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:39,043 and I want to sell my story. 311 00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,243 Of course I haven't! 312 00:19:43,243 --> 00:19:46,283 But if I had, who would I go to? 313 00:19:46,283 --> 00:19:48,443 I'd go to my next guest, 314 00:19:48,443 --> 00:19:53,763 because he is a high-profile agent and publicist for celebrities 315 00:19:53,763 --> 00:19:56,563 and, for want of a better word, harlots. 316 00:19:56,563 --> 00:20:03,443 Please welcome the man Virginia Bottomley called "that little turd", 317 00:20:03,443 --> 00:20:06,083 Lawrence Knowles! 318 00:20:07,763 --> 00:20:10,203 # Money, money, money 319 00:20:10,203 --> 00:20:12,163 # Must be funny 320 00:20:12,163 --> 00:20:15,683 # In a rich man's world 321 00:20:15,683 --> 00:20:18,203 # Money, money, money 322 00:20:18,203 --> 00:20:20,843 # Always sunny 323 00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:24,923 # It's a rich man's world. # 324 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:26,563 Lawrence. 325 00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:29,083 You are the man they love to hate. 326 00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:33,043 I prefer to think I'm the man they hate to love. 327 00:20:33,043 --> 00:20:35,443 But you're not. 328 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:39,123 You're not. You are the man they love to hate. 329 00:20:39,123 --> 00:20:45,763 Well, that's very amusing, Alan, and some of your audience found it amusing, too. 330 00:20:45,763 --> 00:20:47,163 But... 331 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:51,123 ..there is a positive side to what I do. 332 00:20:51,123 --> 00:20:56,523 I often help various celebrities - for example, 333 00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,483 a celebrity who comes to me and says, 334 00:20:58,483 --> 00:21:02,883 "Lawrence, I am a practising homosexual, 335 00:21:02,883 --> 00:21:06,763 "and I want to keep this delicate matter private." 336 00:21:06,763 --> 00:21:09,643 Very wise. LAUGHTER 337 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:13,923 I would then ensure that this homosexual VIP 338 00:21:13,923 --> 00:21:17,803 was seen in a heterosexual context. Such as? 339 00:21:17,803 --> 00:21:19,323 A pub. 340 00:21:21,123 --> 00:21:24,683 A fast car. A football match. Right. 341 00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:27,643 You don't mean George Best? 342 00:21:27,643 --> 00:21:30,083 LAUGHTER 343 00:21:31,283 --> 00:21:37,363 No, George is as straight as the passes he used to make to Bobby Charlton. 344 00:21:37,363 --> 00:21:41,643 Who, by the way, is also not a homosexual. 345 00:21:41,643 --> 00:21:43,923 Right. 346 00:21:43,923 --> 00:21:46,523 But what if someone comes and says, 347 00:21:46,523 --> 00:21:51,443 "Lawrence, I..." - how can I put it - "I play for both sides." 348 00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,803 "I play for... 349 00:21:53,803 --> 00:21:57,603 "..Manchester United and Manchester City." 350 00:21:57,603 --> 00:22:00,363 "I'm Denis Law." 351 00:22:01,603 --> 00:22:04,083 I don't understand. 352 00:22:04,083 --> 00:22:07,243 I'm bisexual. YOU are? No, Denis Law. 353 00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:09,843 No, not Denis Law! No, God! No! 354 00:22:09,843 --> 00:22:11,403 Sorry, Denis. 355 00:22:11,403 --> 00:22:15,563 If you're watching, let's go for a drink some time. 356 00:22:15,563 --> 00:22:17,083 As friends. 357 00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:21,963 Actually, no. Let's call it off. I'll just go home to my wife. 358 00:22:21,963 --> 00:22:23,603 I must say, 359 00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:27,203 I'm looking forward to seeing Hot Pants later. 360 00:22:27,203 --> 00:22:30,443 Stay tuned, fellas! Tss! 361 00:22:30,443 --> 00:22:37,643 Now, very recently you have been involved in a massive royal scandal 362 00:22:37,643 --> 00:22:41,483 in which you've obtained photographs of the royal family 363 00:22:41,483 --> 00:22:46,403 taken from hidden cameras, and you've published these in a book? 364 00:22:46,403 --> 00:22:50,403 This book is in no way scandalous or salacious. 365 00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:52,483 The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure, 366 00:22:52,483 --> 00:22:58,403 is being published purely in the public interest. 367 00:22:58,403 --> 00:23:00,923 You say that, but this is outrageous. 368 00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:04,083 To print a picture of the queen flossing her teeth! 369 00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:08,803 Believe me, Alan, I obtained some photos that were frankly unpublishable. 370 00:23:08,803 --> 00:23:12,043 And are they in the book? Yes they are. 371 00:23:12,043 --> 00:23:16,523 OK. We've sat, we've listened to you present yourself with eloquence, 372 00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:19,763 as a defender of the public interest. 373 00:23:19,763 --> 00:23:26,523 But...ladies and gentlemen, Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled into a new section of my show - 374 00:23:26,523 --> 00:23:29,043 called "Eat Your Own Medicine". 375 00:23:29,043 --> 00:23:30,323 Lawrence, 376 00:23:30,323 --> 00:23:34,923 for four weeks you've been under surveillance by our snoopers. 377 00:23:34,923 --> 00:23:39,563 This is what we discovered. Show the clip. 378 00:23:39,563 --> 00:23:42,443 'This is a disabled parking space. 379 00:23:42,443 --> 00:23:44,803 'Who's this parking in it? 380 00:23:44,803 --> 00:23:49,243 'It's a big Jaguar containing able-bodied Lawrence Knowles. 381 00:23:49,243 --> 00:23:51,843 'Quite a nice car, that. 382 00:23:51,843 --> 00:23:55,363 'There. You get out of the car, look round, 383 00:23:55,363 --> 00:23:57,683 'little pick of the nose... 384 00:23:57,683 --> 00:24:01,003 'It's a good 'un! Pop it in the mouth.' 385 00:24:02,763 --> 00:24:07,963 'Here you are again, emerging from an anonymous-looking black door. 386 00:24:07,963 --> 00:24:11,363 'Another treat for Lawrence Knowles. 387 00:24:11,363 --> 00:24:14,923 'You certainly keep your nose clean! 388 00:24:14,923 --> 00:24:18,123 'What's going on behind the door? I'll tell you.' 389 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:23,563 Dermatology. Come on, Alan, this is pathetic. Ludicrous. Is it? 390 00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:27,403 Is it as ludicrous as a man with such a hairy back 391 00:24:27,403 --> 00:24:33,043 that he visits a dermatologist to have his unsightly, innumerable hairs removed? 392 00:24:33,043 --> 00:24:36,203 Bring on my Big Pocket now! 393 00:24:36,203 --> 00:24:38,723 APPLAUSE 394 00:24:44,523 --> 00:24:49,963 Ladies and gentlemen, it requires 30 feet of industrial waxing tape 395 00:24:49,963 --> 00:24:53,403 to depilate Lawrence's back. But don't take my word for it. 396 00:24:53,403 --> 00:24:55,843 Let's hear it from the back-waxer's mouth. 397 00:24:55,843 --> 00:25:02,123 Please come out, Lawrence Knowles's dermatologist, Clive Sealey! 398 00:25:02,123 --> 00:25:05,203 APPLAUSE 399 00:25:09,563 --> 00:25:11,883 Clive! 400 00:25:11,883 --> 00:25:15,163 Clive, just how hairy 401 00:25:15,163 --> 00:25:18,643 is Lawrence's back? It's VERY hairy, Alan. 402 00:25:18,643 --> 00:25:23,083 This is the amount of hair on an averagely-haired back, 403 00:25:23,083 --> 00:25:24,963 and this... 404 00:25:24,963 --> 00:25:28,563 This is from the last session with Lawrence. 405 00:25:28,563 --> 00:25:33,283 It's enough to cover 12 small children. 406 00:25:33,283 --> 00:25:36,443 Now, the Knowles back 407 00:25:36,443 --> 00:25:39,563 is surely his Achilles heel. 408 00:25:39,563 --> 00:25:42,283 How deep are the scars? 409 00:25:42,283 --> 00:25:46,723 During the sessions, he's told me names he was called at school. 410 00:25:46,723 --> 00:25:48,323 What are they? 411 00:25:48,323 --> 00:25:50,203 Um... Wolfman... 412 00:25:50,203 --> 00:25:53,963 ..Monkey Boy, Godzilla, King Kong... 413 00:25:53,963 --> 00:25:56,243 Human Carpet? Yes. Yes. 414 00:25:56,243 --> 00:25:59,043 Gus the Gorilla... In the office, 415 00:25:59,043 --> 00:26:03,963 we had a bit of fun and came up with a list of potential nicknames. 416 00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:05,803 Quickly - 417 00:26:05,803 --> 00:26:07,803 Kiwi Fruit, 418 00:26:07,803 --> 00:26:10,883 Moth Banquet - quite an interesting one - 419 00:26:10,883 --> 00:26:13,163 Furball XL5... 420 00:26:14,163 --> 00:26:19,443 ..Billy Furry - Billy Fury with a new pronunciation, that's mine... 421 00:26:19,443 --> 00:26:24,083 Brian Furry, that's another one of mine, Brian Ferry, 422 00:26:24,083 --> 00:26:27,443 and, of course, Hairy Krishna. 423 00:26:27,443 --> 00:26:29,043 Marvellous. 424 00:26:29,043 --> 00:26:32,843 Lawrence? You'll be hearing from my solicitor. 425 00:26:32,843 --> 00:26:36,523 Ooh - bit prickly. Or should I say hairy?! 426 00:26:37,563 --> 00:26:40,323 Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey. 427 00:26:40,323 --> 00:26:43,523 APPLAUSE 428 00:26:49,363 --> 00:26:51,203 Hi! 429 00:26:51,203 --> 00:26:55,123 Hi! I'm in Alan's Big Pocket. Why? 430 00:26:55,123 --> 00:26:57,163 I'm getting undressed. 431 00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:05,283 I'm doing it because Hot Pants are about to raise the roof off TV Centre with their lovely legs. 432 00:27:05,283 --> 00:27:08,043 Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi. 433 00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:13,483 Glenn, have you seen them? No, but I'm looking forward to it! Tss! 434 00:27:13,483 --> 00:27:17,563 Glenn, that is my noise! Get your own sound! 435 00:27:17,563 --> 00:27:20,523 Move the pocket! 436 00:27:20,523 --> 00:27:24,923 Yes, I am in a jacuzzi, sipping Spunt! 437 00:27:24,923 --> 00:27:27,203 It's almost as if I'm in an advert. 438 00:27:27,203 --> 00:27:31,043 But of course, I'm not. I'm not in an advert. 439 00:27:31,043 --> 00:27:33,843 It remains for me to thank my guests 440 00:27:33,843 --> 00:27:38,363 and welcome on the four gorgeous figures that fill... 441 00:27:38,363 --> 00:27:41,603 Tss! ..Hot Pants! 442 00:27:41,603 --> 00:27:44,843 APPLAUSE AND CHEERS 443 00:28:59,523 --> 00:29:02,163 They're men! They're men! 444 00:29:02,163 --> 00:29:05,683 On that bombshell, good night! A-ha! 445 00:29:05,683 --> 00:29:08,643 Spunt! Spunt!