1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:06,363 Paris - city of French people. 2 00:00:06,363 --> 00:00:08,723 Home of Quasimodo, 3 00:00:08,723 --> 00:00:10,763 Louis XIV, 4 00:00:10,763 --> 00:00:13,923 Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel. 5 00:00:13,923 --> 00:00:16,803 City of lovers, of artists, 6 00:00:16,803 --> 00:00:19,763 of the croissant, the cappuccino. 7 00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:23,843 City of moonlight, of dreams, 8 00:00:23,843 --> 00:00:26,883 of men in coats meeting in brasseries, 9 00:00:26,883 --> 00:00:33,443 and the setting for the fourth show of Knowing Me Knowing You with Alan Partridge! 10 00:00:42,563 --> 00:00:45,723 # Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha, 11 00:00:45,723 --> 00:00:48,123 # There is nothing we can do. 12 00:00:48,123 --> 00:00:51,243 # Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha, 13 00:00:51,243 --> 00:00:56,403 # We just have to face it, this time we're through. 14 00:00:56,403 --> 00:00:59,363 # Knowing me, knowing you! # 15 00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,443 AH-HAH! 16 00:01:01,443 --> 00:01:04,643 THEME MUSIC PLAYED IN FRENCH CAFE STYLE 17 00:01:04,643 --> 00:01:07,203 LOUD APPLAUSE 18 00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:15,163 # Savant moi, savant vous! # 19 00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:18,643 Bonjour! 20 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:21,923 Bonjour, bienvenue, tout le monde! 21 00:01:21,923 --> 00:01:24,603 Why am I speaking in French? 22 00:01:24,603 --> 00:01:31,123 It's because tonight's show is live from Paris! WHOOPS 23 00:01:31,123 --> 00:01:36,123 What was once a pipe dream is now the Channel tunnel - a big pipe. 24 00:01:36,123 --> 00:01:42,363 Tonight, we're building a new construction, one invulnerable to terrorism. 25 00:01:44,283 --> 00:01:46,563 It's a castle of chat, 26 00:01:46,563 --> 00:01:48,803 a CHAT-eau! 27 00:01:48,803 --> 00:01:50,763 LAUGHTER 28 00:01:50,763 --> 00:01:54,323 Or, since we're in Paris, a CHAT-isserie! 29 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:55,403 LAUGHTER 30 00:01:55,403 --> 00:01:59,883 Please welcome my co-host, a delightful French madame - 31 00:01:59,883 --> 00:02:03,203 although she doesn't run a whore-house - 32 00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:07,363 but she does have excellent organisational skills! 33 00:02:07,363 --> 00:02:10,963 France's Sue Lawley - Nina Vanier! 34 00:02:12,643 --> 00:02:16,163 MUSIC: "Nina, Pretty Ballerina" 35 00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:29,723 You won't find these at your local B & Q. They're... 36 00:02:29,723 --> 00:02:31,443 ..French. 37 00:02:33,883 --> 00:02:38,523 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Nina Vanier, ah-hah. Ah-huh. 38 00:02:38,523 --> 00:02:43,483 I thought you'd say on-hon, but...you didn't. 39 00:02:43,483 --> 00:02:50,963 My British friends would want me to say - we love the tunnel, but don't send us rabid dogs! 40 00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:52,403 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:55,963 --> 00:03:00,443 We won't as long as you don't send us any mad cows. 42 00:03:00,443 --> 00:03:04,763 Our cows went mad from being bitten by your dogs. 43 00:03:06,923 --> 00:03:11,843 It's an interesting theory, if xenophobic. No French. 44 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,923 Xenophobic is an English word. 45 00:03:15,923 --> 00:03:20,523 It means small-minded fear of other nations. 46 00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:26,443 It's time to meet our house band. They came over on the HoverCat. 47 00:03:26,443 --> 00:03:31,163 Please meet Glenn... Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire! 48 00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:37,243 # Knowing me, knowing you! # 49 00:03:37,243 --> 00:03:43,083 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-hah. Ah-hah. 50 00:03:43,083 --> 00:03:47,003 Knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-huh. Uh-huh. 51 00:03:47,003 --> 00:03:50,843 And knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-hah. Ah-hah. 52 00:03:50,843 --> 00:03:54,963 Knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-huh. Uh-huh. 53 00:03:54,963 --> 00:04:01,083 Glenn, I was walking in Paris and I saw a madman throw himself in the river. 54 00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:05,483 Really? Yes, he was IN-SEINE - in the Seine. 55 00:04:07,323 --> 00:04:13,923 Seriously, Glenn, are you looking forward to the Folies Bergeres tonight? 56 00:04:13,923 --> 00:04:16,763 No, that was last night. 57 00:04:16,763 --> 00:04:20,283 What? Thought you knew. We left a message. 58 00:04:20,283 --> 00:04:25,203 Well, I didn't get one. I was in my hotel room all night. 59 00:04:25,203 --> 00:04:29,603 I ended up watching "The Poseidon Adventure" in French. 60 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,843 There was no message. We left one. 61 00:04:32,843 --> 00:04:35,443 Glenn Ponder and... Are you sure? 62 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,683 Yes. 63 00:04:36,683 --> 00:04:41,443 Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire! APPLAUSE 64 00:04:51,763 --> 00:04:56,683 Delia Smith, Keith Floyd, Fanny Craddock and Mr Kipling 65 00:04:56,683 --> 00:04:59,443 are all famous international chefs. 66 00:04:59,443 --> 00:05:02,723 So is our first...MY first guest. 67 00:05:02,723 --> 00:05:05,923 He's the most controversial chef in Paris, 68 00:05:05,923 --> 00:05:10,963 passionate about food but not the stars who dine in his restaurant. 69 00:05:10,963 --> 00:05:16,003 He poured rice pudding over Bryan Ferry. And slapped Jeremy Irons. 70 00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:23,283 He's wry, he's spry, he's crisp-n-dry! Welcome super-chef Philippe Lambert! 71 00:05:23,283 --> 00:05:25,883 MUSIC: "Voulez-Vous" 72 00:05:43,203 --> 00:05:46,523 You certainly smell French! 73 00:05:46,523 --> 00:05:50,843 I mean...your aftershave is very nice. Is it Aramis? 74 00:05:50,843 --> 00:05:53,803 No, Alan, it's cologne. 75 00:05:53,803 --> 00:05:57,123 Good smell. Thank you. What's yours? 76 00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,483 Er...Slazenger sports. 77 00:05:59,483 --> 00:06:07,043 It's the stick type. I...I don't use the roll-on because it...er...traps the hairs. 78 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:13,683 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Philippe Lambert, ah-hah! 79 00:06:13,683 --> 00:06:15,683 Ah-huh. 80 00:06:15,683 --> 00:06:19,763 Now, Philippe, you have very, very kindly 81 00:06:19,763 --> 00:06:24,963 arranged some delicacies here for us to pick at throughout the show. 82 00:06:24,963 --> 00:06:28,883 I have to say, this is a different world 83 00:06:28,883 --> 00:06:34,643 to the universe of Hula Hoops, cheesy Wotsits and Monster Munch! 84 00:06:36,323 --> 00:06:39,403 What's your approach to cuisine? 85 00:06:39,403 --> 00:06:42,723 I don't have an approach, I have a reproach. 86 00:06:42,723 --> 00:06:45,763 I am bored by the restaurant industry. 87 00:06:45,763 --> 00:06:49,043 To me, it seems little more than a pig 88 00:06:49,043 --> 00:06:53,923 endlessly regurgitating and consuming that which... 89 00:06:55,363 --> 00:06:57,043 ..it eats... 90 00:06:58,803 --> 00:07:01,403 ..without discrimination... 91 00:07:03,043 --> 00:07:05,363 ..without taste... 92 00:07:06,323 --> 00:07:07,763 ..or joy. 93 00:07:07,763 --> 00:07:13,963 I'm not interested in Egon Ronay's. You know, I sent my Michelin stars back. 94 00:07:13,963 --> 00:07:16,403 You sent them back? 95 00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:22,403 You just peeled the sticker off the window? No, no, no, no, Alan. 96 00:07:22,403 --> 00:07:25,443 It IS quite hard, but it can be done. 97 00:07:25,443 --> 00:07:30,483 Soak a sponge in soapy, warm water and hold it against the sticker. 98 00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:35,003 Leave it for half an hour and it'll just peel off. 99 00:07:35,003 --> 00:07:39,883 Thank you, Alan, I'll remember that. Warm soapy water. Thank you. 100 00:07:39,883 --> 00:07:42,163 It's got to be warm. 101 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:50,683 Philippe, the other interesting thing about your restaurant is that it has no name. That's right. 102 00:07:50,683 --> 00:07:53,123 It is, if you like, an irony 103 00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:59,403 that while it has no name, people refer to it as The Restaurant With No Name. 104 00:07:59,403 --> 00:08:02,003 Like Clint Eastwood. 105 00:08:03,243 --> 00:08:04,723 What? 106 00:08:06,723 --> 00:08:08,283 H'nn. 107 00:08:17,203 --> 00:08:22,323 I just said, it's like Clint Eastwood. 108 00:08:22,323 --> 00:08:23,643 What is? 109 00:08:23,643 --> 00:08:29,403 In the spaghetti westerns, he was known as the Man With No Name. 110 00:08:29,403 --> 00:08:38,163 It's an irony Jacques Derrida would appreciate. Indeed, he regularly dines and appreciates the irony. 111 00:08:39,723 --> 00:08:43,043 Who's he? Jacques Derrida, the philosopher. 112 00:08:43,043 --> 00:08:45,563 I've never heard of him! 113 00:08:45,563 --> 00:08:50,723 He's the most famous philospher in the world! I wouldn't say that. 114 00:08:50,723 --> 00:08:52,683 LAUGHTER 115 00:08:54,483 --> 00:09:00,603 Alan, would you care to name a more famous one? Yeah. All the...the Greek ones. 116 00:09:00,603 --> 00:09:05,683 One who is alive. Who is the most famous philosopher, Alan? 117 00:09:08,683 --> 00:09:11,083 Peter Ustinov? 118 00:09:14,563 --> 00:09:18,843 Yes, absolutely right. I'd forgotten about him. Thank you. 119 00:09:18,843 --> 00:09:22,363 I'm lost. Your next question, Confucius(?) 120 00:09:22,363 --> 00:09:25,403 I'm not confused. 121 00:09:26,763 --> 00:09:32,283 OK, here's one. You are known as the top chef in your field. 122 00:09:32,283 --> 00:09:34,763 You only have one restaurant. 123 00:09:34,763 --> 00:09:37,163 Berni Inn has thousands! 124 00:09:38,123 --> 00:09:39,403 Jealous? 125 00:09:42,923 --> 00:09:45,923 I don't know. Who is Berni Inn? 126 00:09:45,923 --> 00:09:48,923 You've NEVER heard of Berni Inn?! 127 00:09:48,923 --> 00:09:53,323 He's the most famous steakhouse owner in the world! 128 00:09:53,323 --> 00:09:56,243 Well, I'm sorry, Alan. 129 00:09:56,243 --> 00:10:02,963 Maybe Peter Ustinov and Berni Inn should open a steakhouse together. 130 00:10:02,963 --> 00:10:05,643 Have a steak and talk philosophy. 131 00:10:05,643 --> 00:10:10,883 They could call it...Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse. 132 00:10:10,883 --> 00:10:13,603 It's a good idea. 133 00:10:13,603 --> 00:10:15,883 Like that one, Alan? 134 00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:20,803 Yeah. It's quite nice. It's quite chewy. What is it? 135 00:10:20,803 --> 00:10:23,803 It's beef. What sort of beef? 136 00:10:23,803 --> 00:10:25,603 Bull. 137 00:10:27,563 --> 00:10:32,003 What...what part of the bull? It's a gland. 138 00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:33,763 LAUGHTER 139 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:39,643 How...how many glands does... 140 00:10:39,643 --> 00:10:43,723 LAUGHTER How many of these glands does it have? 141 00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:46,243 Two. 142 00:10:51,403 --> 00:10:56,283 Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Lambert! 143 00:11:07,843 --> 00:11:13,283 Now... No, that's me. Sorry. Now, time for some light relief. 144 00:11:13,283 --> 00:11:17,883 If I said clown time was over, I'd be lying. 145 00:11:17,883 --> 00:11:21,923 It's time now to SEND IN THE CLOWNS! 146 00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:28,243 I'm sure I won't see the TEARS OF A CLOWN because I'm told they're hilarious. 147 00:11:28,243 --> 00:11:34,843 Welcome Pompidou prix de joie winners - Cirque des Clowns! Circus of clowns! 148 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,203 Ping! 149 00:12:23,963 --> 00:12:25,763 No! NO! 150 00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:44,163 No... 151 00:12:45,323 --> 00:12:47,323 ..no, no. 152 00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:49,763 NO! No, no. 153 00:12:49,763 --> 00:12:52,763 Cirque des Clowns! 154 00:13:02,443 --> 00:13:04,523 Grow up! 155 00:13:04,523 --> 00:13:05,883 Grow up! 156 00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:10,243 CHORUS OF SHUSHES 157 00:13:10,243 --> 00:13:13,643 Thank you. Cirque des... 158 00:13:19,923 --> 00:13:22,363 Cirque des... SHH! SHH! 159 00:13:22,363 --> 00:13:26,563 I presume you're in charge. Let me tell you... 160 00:13:26,563 --> 00:13:30,283 ..there's a security guard called Steve. 161 00:13:30,283 --> 00:13:35,563 I promise you, if you make another sound when you leave here, 162 00:13:35,563 --> 00:13:38,563 he will hurt you, physically. 163 00:13:38,563 --> 00:13:41,843 Cirque des Clowns... BARP! 164 00:13:43,283 --> 00:13:44,803 They are... 165 00:13:44,803 --> 00:13:50,723 Sorry, I haven't broken wind! I haven't broken wind. That's them! 166 00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:55,683 Cirque des Clowns will be doing a tour of arts centres in Britain. 167 00:13:55,683 --> 00:14:00,003 I'm sure there will be tickets available. 168 00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:02,043 You're a disgrace! 169 00:14:02,043 --> 00:14:04,403 Cirque des Clowns! 170 00:14:12,083 --> 00:14:13,483 Insanity! 171 00:14:14,443 --> 00:14:18,723 What are you DOING THERE? GET OUT! Why's he still here?! 172 00:14:18,723 --> 00:14:22,243 Can someone remove this clown?! 173 00:14:22,243 --> 00:14:24,283 Where's Steve? 174 00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:28,803 Backstage? No...he'll get him after. He'll get him after. 175 00:14:36,363 --> 00:14:38,843 I'll do it standing up! 176 00:14:38,843 --> 00:14:41,283 I hope my next guest doesn't... 177 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:45,443 I'll do it here! 178 00:14:45,443 --> 00:14:52,683 I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo, because she's at the HEIGHT of her profession! DRUMBEAT 179 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:57,803 She's a top international fashion designer who hails from Lancashire. 180 00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:02,963 Let me just say, YOU look stupid, not me! 181 00:15:02,963 --> 00:15:05,283 I'll do it on three. 182 00:15:05,283 --> 00:15:07,523 On three. 183 00:15:07,523 --> 00:15:11,563 She's a top fashion designer from Lancashire. 184 00:15:11,563 --> 00:15:15,963 I can't... Nina? Yes? Can you get rid of him? 185 00:15:15,963 --> 00:15:18,603 Alors, Toto, il vaut mieux pas. 186 00:15:18,603 --> 00:15:24,763 Il n'est pas tellement experimente avec quelqu'un de ton niveau. Ah, bon. 187 00:15:24,763 --> 00:15:26,323 Oui, merci. 188 00:15:26,323 --> 00:15:29,763 There he goes... APPLAUSE 189 00:15:31,803 --> 00:15:35,683 There he goes, tail between his legs! 190 00:15:35,683 --> 00:15:38,243 STEVE, HE'S COMING OUT! 191 00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:48,723 I hope my next guest has no vertigo because she's at the HEIGHT of her profession. DRUMBEAT 192 00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:54,083 Sorry, what did you say to him? It's not necessary to translate. 193 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:59,683 I want to know. You don't NEED to know! I command you to tell me! 194 00:15:59,683 --> 00:16:05,123 I said you are out of your depth with an artiste of his calibre, 195 00:16:05,123 --> 00:16:09,923 and your lack of experience makes you unable to cope. 196 00:16:12,963 --> 00:16:14,723 Thank you. 197 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:21,043 I hope my next guest has no vertigo because she's at the height of her profession. DRUMBEAT 198 00:16:21,043 --> 00:16:23,483 You don't need to do it now! 199 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:29,923 She arrived by train because she doesn't like flying. She does have vertigo. 200 00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:35,963 She caught the train at Waterloo. Fashion guru, Yvonne Boyd! From WATERLOO! 201 00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:39,083 BAND PLAYS "Waterloo" 202 00:16:59,243 --> 00:17:03,963 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Yvonne Boyd, ah-hah! 203 00:17:03,963 --> 00:17:06,163 Want me to say ah-ha? Please. 204 00:17:06,163 --> 00:17:07,363 Ah-ha. 205 00:17:09,203 --> 00:17:14,683 I'm a big fan of your clothes. I love the outfit you are wearing. 206 00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:17,763 I didn't know you also did pantomime. 207 00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:21,283 What do you mean? 208 00:17:21,283 --> 00:17:27,523 I presume you're Widow Twankey? No. Are you an Ugly Sister? 209 00:17:27,523 --> 00:17:31,563 These are YVONNE'S clothes. Sorry, I thought you did panto. 210 00:17:31,563 --> 00:17:34,283 No, I don't do pantomime. 211 00:17:34,283 --> 00:17:37,363 Well, maybe you should. 212 00:17:37,363 --> 00:17:43,563 You've got the clothes and, without being vulgar, the money is good. 213 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:50,083 It's worth considering. Peter Pan, Widow Twankey, Buttons! 214 00:17:53,883 --> 00:17:58,283 Can you talk us through the thinking behind your outfit? 215 00:17:58,283 --> 00:18:03,003 It's a sort of fin-de-siecle ghost in the machine. 216 00:18:03,003 --> 00:18:08,603 Is that the distributor cap off a Ford Mondeo? I've no idea. 217 00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:10,483 Let's see. 218 00:18:10,483 --> 00:18:16,963 Yes, it is. Do you drive a Ford Mondeo? No. I don't drive. 219 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:24,643 I don't like cars. Doesn't drive, fly, or do panto. What DO you do? I design clothes. 220 00:18:24,643 --> 00:18:28,443 That all? Yes. That's interesting. 221 00:18:28,443 --> 00:18:35,203 While you're a master of one trade, I like to think I'm an ALAN of all trades! 222 00:18:35,203 --> 00:18:38,363 I've got a surprise for you, Yvonne. 223 00:18:38,363 --> 00:18:43,403 This is a new regular section of the show called Alan's Trades! 224 00:18:43,403 --> 00:18:47,443 I'll demonstrate a trade that I'm an Alan of. 225 00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:50,363 This week's Alan Trade is fashion. 226 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,883 Now, I'm not Giorgio Armani - 227 00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,763 I'm Alan Partridge - 228 00:18:55,763 --> 00:19:02,923 but my name has become associated with a certain look that I'd define as sports casual. 229 00:19:02,923 --> 00:19:08,883 Yvonne, tell me what you think as we look at a Partridge in Paris! 230 00:19:08,883 --> 00:19:13,323 A. Partridge in Paris - ALAN Partridge in Paris. 231 00:19:13,323 --> 00:19:18,283 The first look is what you'd wear to drive to Paris - 232 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:22,923 canary yellow shirt, blue stay-creased action slacks, 233 00:19:22,923 --> 00:19:26,923 cap, polaroids, tan driving gloves. 234 00:19:26,923 --> 00:19:30,843 It says, "I'm in control of my vehicle!" 235 00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:33,323 Who's this cool customer? 236 00:19:33,323 --> 00:19:37,483 Ice white shoes, socks with navy double cadet stripe, 237 00:19:37,483 --> 00:19:42,643 shorts, T-shirt with chevron action flash - L'homme du sport! 238 00:19:42,643 --> 00:19:49,803 Man of sport. The tossed pink sweater that says, "I'm in Paris and nothing's going to stop me!" 239 00:19:49,803 --> 00:19:52,163 That's the Eiffel Tower. 240 00:19:52,163 --> 00:19:55,363 The classic English gentleman abroad. 241 00:19:55,363 --> 00:19:59,403 It's David Niven, Stewart Granger, Nigel Havers. 242 00:19:59,403 --> 00:20:02,243 The look - imperial leisure! 243 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:07,283 Offset the look with those four reliables - hat, cravat, specs, 244 00:20:07,283 --> 00:20:11,643 and, a touch of class, the Alan Partridge blazer badge! 245 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:16,403 I'll describe the blazer badge. 246 00:20:16,403 --> 00:20:19,203 In the... I'll do it next week. 247 00:20:19,203 --> 00:20:24,403 The place - Champs Elysees. The man - Alan Partridge. 248 00:20:24,403 --> 00:20:27,003 The look - strolling pastel! 249 00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:32,043 A classic summer suit with the omission of long trousers. 250 00:20:32,043 --> 00:20:34,843 A Partridge in Paris! 251 00:20:36,763 --> 00:20:38,643 APPLAUSE 252 00:20:38,643 --> 00:20:44,443 Yvonne, is fashion a necessity of culture or a cultural necessity? 253 00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:45,483 Wait. 254 00:20:45,483 --> 00:20:46,963 LAUGHTER 255 00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:53,043 It appears to be happy hour at Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse! 256 00:20:55,203 --> 00:21:01,203 Fashion is a necessity of culture. Clothes just cover up our nakedness. 257 00:21:01,203 --> 00:21:05,803 Underneath our clothes, we're all naked. Even Alan. 258 00:21:05,803 --> 00:21:08,323 No, I'm not. LAUGHTER 259 00:21:09,523 --> 00:21:14,763 All we are saying is that under your clothes, you are naked. No, I'm not. 260 00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:21,483 Now, Yvonne, we're about to see some clothes from your menswear collection. 261 00:21:22,643 --> 00:21:26,683 Now, the theme of my collection was sports casual. 262 00:21:26,683 --> 00:21:31,763 Now, bearing in mind that Pete and Berni's is CLOSED, 263 00:21:31,763 --> 00:21:34,323 what's the theme of your collection? 264 00:21:34,323 --> 00:21:40,443 The futility of mortality. Why do I bother?! Bring on the models. 265 00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:46,083 The first model is Tor. 266 00:21:46,083 --> 00:21:52,003 Tor's cap and shorts are made of bandages. 267 00:21:53,363 --> 00:21:57,403 His linen jacket has real surgical stitching. 268 00:21:57,403 --> 00:22:02,403 He also has a little truss on, which is a sort of ironic bum-bag. 269 00:22:02,403 --> 00:22:10,043 Is this man injured? No. The whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation. 270 00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:14,603 You've had an op, you want to look good on the ward... 271 00:22:14,603 --> 00:22:17,403 ..that's what you wear. No. 272 00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:22,563 You wear them on the street. He's wearing slippers! 273 00:22:22,563 --> 00:22:27,723 The only man I know who wears slippers outside is called Duggie. 274 00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:32,803 He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty, 275 00:22:32,803 --> 00:22:35,683 shouting, "Get away, it's a bomb!" 276 00:22:35,683 --> 00:22:37,883 He's insane. 277 00:22:37,883 --> 00:22:40,963 Maybe he's sane and we're all mad. 278 00:22:40,963 --> 00:22:44,683 LAUGHTER Anyway, the next model... 279 00:22:44,683 --> 00:22:47,843 ..the next one is Newman. 280 00:22:50,283 --> 00:22:55,443 Newman has got a more formal look. That's beautiful, Yvonne. Thank you. 281 00:22:57,083 --> 00:23:05,043 Here, you see, I've broken up the classic lines of the suit with a saline drip on an umbrella... 282 00:23:06,243 --> 00:23:12,043 ..and with a pair of brogues, one of which is orthopaedic. 283 00:23:12,043 --> 00:23:15,203 Looks like he's been in a car crash! 284 00:23:15,203 --> 00:23:21,403 The final model is Matt. This plays with ideas of constriction and freedom. 285 00:23:24,723 --> 00:23:30,243 Just as the plaster boots impede, the bandage kilt liberates. 286 00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:35,763 This corn plaster waistcoat - are they used? For goodness' sake! 287 00:23:35,763 --> 00:23:38,083 Don't be so ludicrous! 288 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:44,203 I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs Whippy-head(!) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 289 00:23:46,643 --> 00:23:50,523 That's my collection. Yvonne, it's a triumph! 290 00:23:50,523 --> 00:23:53,003 Thank you. Thank you, Nina. 291 00:23:55,723 --> 00:23:58,763 APPLAUSE Sorry, I... Yeah, yeah. 292 00:23:58,763 --> 00:24:03,403 Sorry, I've got to ask a couple of questions. 293 00:24:03,403 --> 00:24:06,003 What's round this man's midriff? 294 00:24:06,003 --> 00:24:09,683 It's a blood-bag. What if it bursts? 295 00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:13,923 You mop it up. What with? With the eye-patch. 296 00:24:13,923 --> 00:24:16,203 It's no problem. 297 00:24:16,203 --> 00:24:22,163 I mean, what if your nose bleeds? What if your arm bursts? 298 00:24:22,163 --> 00:24:24,483 LAUGHTER What? 299 00:24:24,483 --> 00:24:29,123 What? What if your arm bursts? 300 00:24:29,123 --> 00:24:35,923 I've heard of a nosebleed, but in my 14 years of professional broadcasting, 301 00:24:35,923 --> 00:24:40,523 including three years as a hospital radio disc jockey, 302 00:24:40,523 --> 00:24:44,723 I've never had anyone say, "My arm's just burst. 303 00:24:44,723 --> 00:24:47,603 "Could you play a dedication?" 304 00:24:48,923 --> 00:24:54,723 You've just got me on here to ridicule the clothes. I'll show you! 305 00:24:54,723 --> 00:24:58,443 You with the orthopaedic shoe... Newman. 306 00:24:58,443 --> 00:25:02,203 Newman, just walk here and walk back. 307 00:25:07,243 --> 00:25:11,683 That man has no dignity! What IS dignity?! 308 00:25:14,563 --> 00:25:18,363 That...THAT is dignity! LAUGHTER 309 00:25:18,363 --> 00:25:20,363 More or less. 310 00:25:20,363 --> 00:25:23,963 No-one will wear these clothes. 311 00:25:23,963 --> 00:25:26,003 They're rubbish! 312 00:25:26,003 --> 00:25:30,883 Ordinary people do not like them. I like them. So do I. 313 00:25:30,883 --> 00:25:34,243 You're not ordinary. You're French! 314 00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:39,083 What are you two staring at? You look like the Steptoe wives. 315 00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:40,923 LAUGHTER 316 00:25:40,923 --> 00:25:44,323 I think you mean the Stepford wives. 317 00:25:44,323 --> 00:25:47,603 I thought you French were good at chatting - 318 00:25:47,603 --> 00:25:52,483 sitting in brasseries, chomping onions and going oh-hi-hon-hi-hon! 319 00:25:52,483 --> 00:25:55,843 You're just being racist. I'm not. 320 00:25:55,843 --> 00:26:00,203 French people go oh-hi-hon-hi-hon. That's a FACT! 321 00:26:03,683 --> 00:26:06,523 We've come to the end of the show. 322 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:13,683 I've enjoyed it. I'd like to think our two nations are closer than they were at the start of the show. 323 00:26:13,683 --> 00:26:18,963 It simply remains for me to thank my co-host. It's been a pleasure. 324 00:26:18,963 --> 00:26:24,563 Doing anything interesting tonight? I'm too exhausted after last night. 325 00:26:24,563 --> 00:26:28,563 Why's that? I went to the Folies Bergeres. 326 00:26:28,563 --> 00:26:33,723 Oh, so did Glenn Ponder. I was there, too. I was there. 327 00:26:33,723 --> 00:26:36,483 My models were there. 328 00:26:36,483 --> 00:26:40,083 Glenn invited us. The clowns were there. 329 00:26:40,083 --> 00:26:45,083 The CLOWNS?! Yes. Your security guard, Steve, he was there. 330 00:26:45,083 --> 00:26:50,763 No?! He is good friends with the clowns. The band were there, too. 331 00:26:50,763 --> 00:26:54,923 The ba...? You! Accordion man, were you there? 332 00:26:54,923 --> 00:26:56,203 Yeah. 333 00:26:57,163 --> 00:27:00,763 PHILIPPE: Everyone except you, Alan. GLENN... 334 00:27:00,763 --> 00:27:04,923 ..why didn't you invite me? I left a message. 335 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:10,363 I'm going to ask you a question and I want an honest, truthful answer. 336 00:27:10,363 --> 00:27:13,803 Did you leave a message for me last night? 337 00:27:13,803 --> 00:27:14,843 No. 338 00:27:19,203 --> 00:27:21,563 Thank you. Quite honestly, Alan, 339 00:27:21,563 --> 00:27:29,443 I didn't think they'd let you in. There was sign saying "No jeans. No trainers. No sports casual wear!" 340 00:27:34,123 --> 00:27:37,163 Just a joke. Just a joke, huh? 341 00:27:37,163 --> 00:27:43,523 Here's a good joke. There's this bloke called Glenn Ponder. 342 00:27:43,523 --> 00:27:50,963 He's playing jazz synthesiser in a Norwich wine bar! In walks Alan, who gives him a big break. 343 00:27:50,963 --> 00:27:54,243 Glenn gets lippy. Glenn gets the sack! 344 00:27:54,243 --> 00:27:56,803 LAUGHTER 345 00:27:56,803 --> 00:28:01,163 What do you mean? You're sacked! 346 00:28:01,163 --> 00:28:03,643 You are sacked! I'm sacking you! 347 00:28:03,643 --> 00:28:08,683 In fact, it's happened. You are a sacked man! You've BEEN sacked! 348 00:28:08,683 --> 00:28:13,523 I want you off these premises in ten minutes! 349 00:28:13,523 --> 00:28:17,363 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, SACKING you, Glenn Ponder! 350 00:28:17,363 --> 00:28:19,483 AH-HAH! 351 00:28:19,483 --> 00:28:23,083 APPLAUSE And...on that bombshell, 352 00:28:23,083 --> 00:28:29,923 it's knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Monsieur Testicle, you, pantomime cow 353 00:28:29,923 --> 00:28:33,163 and you, Ms Oh-hi-hon-hi-hon! 354 00:28:33,163 --> 00:28:36,443 Goodnight, arrivederci and AH-HAH! 355 00:28:36,443 --> 00:28:40,483 BAND STARTS OUTRO MUSIC Not you! Not YOU! 356 00:28:40,483 --> 00:28:42,723 JUST YOU! 357 00:28:42,723 --> 00:28:45,203 SOLO ACCORDION PLAYS