1 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,243 # Knowing me, knowing you 2 00:00:11,243 --> 00:00:12,603 # Ah-ha 3 00:00:12,603 --> 00:00:14,723 # There is nothing we can do 4 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,803 # Knowing me, knowing you 5 00:00:16,803 --> 00:00:18,163 # Ah-ha 6 00:00:18,163 --> 00:00:24,043 # We just have to face it, this time we're through 7 00:00:24,043 --> 00:00:25,883 # Knowing me, knowing you. # 8 00:00:25,883 --> 00:00:28,323 Ah-ha! APPLAUSE 9 00:00:46,203 --> 00:00:48,363 Welcome! 10 00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:53,203 Welcome to "Knowing Me Knowing You With Alan Partridge" - 11 00:00:53,203 --> 00:00:58,203 or "The Alan Partridge Show" as most people like to call it. 12 00:00:58,203 --> 00:01:01,243 It's easier - that's what I call it. 13 00:01:01,243 --> 00:01:06,283 There's so much in tonight's show that at the end I'll be shattered, 14 00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:10,203 or should I say chattered?! DRUMBEAT 15 00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:12,403 LAUGHTER 16 00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:18,603 Last week I sacked my house band and their leader, Glenn Ponder. 17 00:01:18,603 --> 00:01:21,443 That's TV. They had to go. 18 00:01:21,443 --> 00:01:26,283 So now please welcome my new resident house band - The Eagles! 19 00:01:26,283 --> 00:01:28,723 Or rather, don't. 20 00:01:28,723 --> 00:01:32,043 Because Glenn has put a stop to that. 21 00:01:32,043 --> 00:01:38,083 This week he obtained a court injunction preventing his dismissal. 22 00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:43,123 Please welcome NOT double platinum album-selling rock stars The Eagles, 23 00:01:43,123 --> 00:01:49,403 but Ipswich-based hotel-lobby wine-bar band, Glenn Ponder and Lazarus! 24 00:01:49,403 --> 00:01:52,043 APPLAUSE 25 00:01:52,043 --> 00:01:54,243 # Knowing me, knowing you. # 26 00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:59,443 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 27 00:01:59,443 --> 00:02:03,243 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lazarus. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 28 00:02:03,243 --> 00:02:08,603 Glenn, if this show was a motor-car, what kind of motor-car would it be? 29 00:02:08,603 --> 00:02:12,203 I've no idea. Chatty Chatty Bang Bang. 30 00:02:13,203 --> 00:02:15,403 DRUMBEAT 31 00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:18,803 Glenn Ponder and Lazarus. 32 00:02:18,803 --> 00:02:20,843 APPLAUSE 33 00:02:20,843 --> 00:02:23,883 BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You" 34 00:02:28,603 --> 00:02:32,083 THEME ENDS See... THEME ENDS AGAIN 35 00:02:36,763 --> 00:02:39,283 See you in court. 36 00:02:41,643 --> 00:02:46,323 My first guest was born within the sound of Bow Bells. 37 00:02:46,323 --> 00:02:48,883 He is a Cockney man. 38 00:02:48,883 --> 00:02:55,323 30 years ago, he crawled out of the maggot-ridden cesspit that is the East End 39 00:02:55,323 --> 00:03:00,363 to become Britain's most colourful boxing and entertainments promoter. 40 00:03:00,363 --> 00:03:07,403 All day he's on the dog and bone - phone. He's coming down these apples and pears - stairs. 41 00:03:07,403 --> 00:03:11,923 I'm sure we're going to have a great bowler hat - chat. 42 00:03:11,923 --> 00:03:17,923 Please welcome a very special antique Edwardian tea-chest - guest. 43 00:03:17,923 --> 00:03:22,763 He was cleared of garotting a nightclub owner in Leicester Square. 44 00:03:22,763 --> 00:03:24,643 Terry Norton! 45 00:03:26,883 --> 00:03:29,963 # So I wanna know 46 00:03:29,963 --> 00:03:32,123 # What's the name of the game? 47 00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:37,003 # Does it mean anything to you? 48 00:03:41,043 --> 00:03:43,643 # What's the name of the game? # 49 00:03:45,803 --> 00:03:49,763 Ah. Nice whistle. Whistle and toot - suit! 50 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:54,523 Flute. Sorry? Whistle and flute. Yeah, yeah, whatever. 51 00:03:54,523 --> 00:03:58,363 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Terry Norton. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 52 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:02,683 Now, Terry, you come from a very humble background. 53 00:04:02,683 --> 00:04:10,523 But now you mix with the great and the good. A little Cockney whelk sitting on a plate of oysters. 54 00:04:10,523 --> 00:04:17,083 Do you ever think to yourself, "How did I get here, on top of this plate of oysters?" 55 00:04:17,083 --> 00:04:24,483 Of course, Alan. It's a combination of determination, perseverance and a good head for business. 56 00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:26,923 And, if I may say so, 57 00:04:26,923 --> 00:04:28,443 # Wiv a little bit 58 00:04:28,443 --> 00:04:29,963 # Wiv a little bit 59 00:04:29,963 --> 00:04:33,723 # Wiv a little bit of bloomin' luck. # 60 00:04:34,723 --> 00:04:39,683 Is that fair? Yeah, well, you know, if you like, yeah. 61 00:04:39,683 --> 00:04:45,443 We're the same. Two working-class boys, no education, no qualifications. 62 00:04:45,443 --> 00:04:51,283 But through sheer determination, we have made it to the top of the tree. 63 00:04:51,283 --> 00:04:59,323 I must pick you up on a couple of points. I did go to East Anglia Polytechnic. You know what I mean. 64 00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:05,683 Regarding working class. We did own our own home and we did holiday in Spain. 65 00:05:05,683 --> 00:05:07,803 Sometimes. 66 00:05:07,803 --> 00:05:14,323 I imagine you know Spain quite well, what with all your... all your connections. 67 00:05:14,323 --> 00:05:21,443 I've got a villa out there, cut into the cliff, overlooking the Med. Just in case. 68 00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:30,603 Just in case what? Just in case you need to go on holiday. Quickly. 69 00:05:30,603 --> 00:05:36,883 You're leading me down a dark alley. That's the last place I'd like to be with you! 70 00:05:37,883 --> 00:05:39,483 Why's that? 71 00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:40,923 Sorry? 72 00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,483 Why's that? 73 00:05:42,483 --> 00:05:45,243 I just wouldn't. That's all. 74 00:05:45,243 --> 00:05:53,243 Now, Terry, you've promoted boxing, snooker, bowling - crown green and tenpin - that didn't work. 75 00:05:53,243 --> 00:05:57,443 Now you're launching a new promotion next month. 76 00:05:57,443 --> 00:06:02,283 Tell us about that. I'm bringing back the beauty contest. 77 00:06:02,283 --> 00:06:08,723 Times, fashion may change, but people will always want to look at lovely ladies. 78 00:06:08,723 --> 00:06:11,923 From now back to the Ancient Greeks. 79 00:06:11,923 --> 00:06:14,803 Aristotle Onassis. Exactly. 80 00:06:14,803 --> 00:06:22,443 I mean, whatever the women's libbers may say, Germaine Greer, Esther Rantzen... That lot. 81 00:06:22,443 --> 00:06:25,803 You can't change human nature. You can't. 82 00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:28,643 I used to support women's libbers. 83 00:06:28,643 --> 00:06:31,483 When they said, "Burn your bras". 84 00:06:35,083 --> 00:06:40,123 Whatever they say, next month, live on Sky TV, it's Miss Great Britain - 85 00:06:40,123 --> 00:06:42,843 and nothing can spoil that feast. 86 00:06:42,843 --> 00:06:44,883 Absolutely. 87 00:06:44,883 --> 00:06:47,923 We'll EAT some of that feast later - 88 00:06:47,923 --> 00:06:51,803 Terry has cooked up a tray of "lady vol-au-vents", 89 00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:56,563 if you will, which I will be EATING, or compering, later. 90 00:06:56,563 --> 00:07:04,523 Tonight I will be MC for the final heat of - and it's my home town - Miss Norwich! 91 00:07:04,523 --> 00:07:06,403 APPLAUSE 92 00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:11,283 Now, Terry - 93 00:07:11,283 --> 00:07:15,363 "Murderer! You killed my son!" 94 00:07:15,363 --> 00:07:23,243 That was what the mother of the garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you, 95 00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:27,283 as you were cleared of the murder of her only son. 96 00:07:27,283 --> 00:07:31,483 The garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square. 97 00:07:31,483 --> 00:07:34,123 Did those words hurt? 98 00:07:34,123 --> 00:07:41,923 Yes. I was in Leicester Square, but as was proved in court, I was hailing a cab at the time it happened. 99 00:07:41,923 --> 00:07:48,123 Absolutely. We've got a reconstruction of that night, using professional actors, 100 00:07:48,123 --> 00:07:51,883 some of whom have been in The Bill and Minder. 101 00:07:51,883 --> 00:07:55,923 Terry, that night - was it something like this? 102 00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:02,563 Taxi! 103 00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:08,763 Is that how it was? Well, yeah. More or less. 104 00:08:08,763 --> 00:08:13,163 There were some people who said it happened like this. 105 00:08:19,763 --> 00:08:21,123 Taxi! 106 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:26,523 How it didn't happen. What's that? 107 00:08:26,523 --> 00:08:29,163 That's how it didn't happen. 108 00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:35,683 That is a couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Touched a nerve there. 109 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:42,923 I could have gone down. It was dealt with by the law. It's over. It's dead and buried. 110 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:50,763 Rather like the garotted... You're out of your depth. People get out of their depth, they end up drowning 111 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:55,563 Calm down. Do you want to get involved in this world? 112 00:08:55,563 --> 00:09:03,443 Nightclub owners in Leicester Square who get garotted? Ammonia in the boat? I'll get you involved. 113 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:11,283 I'll suck you in so far you'll get blown out the other side. Wipe that soppy look off your gormless face! 114 00:09:11,283 --> 00:09:15,203 You wanna get sucked in? No! Well, you tell them. 115 00:09:15,203 --> 00:09:21,843 What was that about? A couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Right. 116 00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:24,323 APPLAUSE 117 00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:28,603 Thank you. 118 00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:33,843 Now, are we having a beauty contest, or what? Beauty contest, please. 119 00:09:33,843 --> 00:09:38,883 I'll...I'll see you later for that. Thank you for that nice chat. 120 00:09:38,883 --> 00:09:45,403 Ladies and gentlemen - Terry Norton, an innocent man! APPLAUSE 121 00:09:45,403 --> 00:09:49,443 Now for one of the hit bits of my show. 122 00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:54,283 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge, 123 00:09:54,283 --> 00:09:59,123 in which I meet another man whose name is Alan Partridge. 124 00:09:59,123 --> 00:10:05,963 It really is that simple. Two weeks ago I had a letter from an Alan Partridge in Preston. 125 00:10:05,963 --> 00:10:09,323 He asked to come on the show tonight. 126 00:10:09,323 --> 00:10:11,803 A week ago, he died. 127 00:10:11,803 --> 00:10:16,683 I told his family I would honour the booking if they so desired. 128 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:20,123 They said it is what Alan would have wanted. 129 00:10:20,123 --> 00:10:23,523 Welcome, with his family, Alan Partridge! 130 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,123 APPLAUSE 131 00:10:40,163 --> 00:10:42,643 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, 132 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:45,683 knowing you, another Alan Partridge. 133 00:10:45,683 --> 00:10:48,203 Rest in peace. Ah-ha. 134 00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:52,203 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Mary Partridge. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 135 00:10:52,203 --> 00:10:53,563 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, 136 00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:57,563 knowing you... I've forgotten your name. Liam. Ah-ha. 137 00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,843 BOTH: Ah-ha. No, not you. 138 00:10:59,843 --> 00:11:02,083 Ah-ha. 139 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:04,323 What was he like? 140 00:11:04,323 --> 00:11:06,523 He liked a drink. 141 00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:10,603 He didn't suffer fools gladly. He had a temper. 142 00:11:16,803 --> 00:11:18,843 Er, he...he... 143 00:11:18,843 --> 00:11:24,563 He did like this show, didn't he? Oh, yes. It was his - what...? 144 00:11:24,563 --> 00:11:27,083 ..his second favourite TV programme. 145 00:11:27,083 --> 00:11:30,483 Yes. So, er... What was his first? 146 00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:31,923 Baywatch. 147 00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:34,683 About the beach people? 148 00:11:34,683 --> 00:11:37,803 He liked the girls. Don't we all? 149 00:11:37,803 --> 00:11:41,883 Let's hope there are girls in Heaven. If... 150 00:11:43,963 --> 00:11:47,843 If that's where he's going, you know. 151 00:11:47,843 --> 00:11:54,203 From what you say it's unclear. Perhaps there are girls in Purgatory or Hell. 152 00:11:56,643 --> 00:12:01,843 Um... But no-one leaves this show empty-handed, so... 153 00:12:01,843 --> 00:12:07,563 I don't know why I'm being solemn. No-one leaves the show empty-handed. 154 00:12:07,563 --> 00:12:11,523 And Alan gets this lovely headstone. 155 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:16,923 It's a granite-marble mix in Normandy grey. Do you like it? 156 00:12:16,923 --> 00:12:20,883 It's lovely. He was actually born in 1931. 157 00:12:20,883 --> 00:12:24,523 What have we got? '32. Right. 158 00:12:24,523 --> 00:12:27,083 One year out. Not bad. 159 00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:33,363 I mean, if it's a problem, we can re-grind it. That would be great. Right. 160 00:12:33,363 --> 00:12:40,203 We CAN do it, it's just it will take a couple of weeks. It's only one year out. 161 00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:46,003 He would like the right date. He'd got quite a temper. 162 00:12:46,003 --> 00:12:50,243 He's hardly likely to display that now, is he? 163 00:12:50,243 --> 00:12:53,283 But if you want, we'll get it done. 164 00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:58,763 He would have wanted it. We'll do it! Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. What? 165 00:12:58,763 --> 00:13:00,963 Sorry. Right. 166 00:13:00,963 --> 00:13:06,483 Well, er... Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge, his son, Liam, 167 00:13:06,483 --> 00:13:09,163 and his lovely widow, Mary! 168 00:13:16,443 --> 00:13:20,963 Well, as we heard, Alan was quite fond of pretty ladies. 169 00:13:20,963 --> 00:13:27,483 So it seems appropriate that in his presence we hold the final of Miss Norwich. 170 00:13:27,483 --> 00:13:30,083 Mary, you have agreed, 171 00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:32,723 with Liam and your uncle, Pete, 172 00:13:32,723 --> 00:13:36,003 to judge tonight's contest. 173 00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:37,763 Stand there. 174 00:13:37,763 --> 00:13:42,163 Glenn, would you like to judge Miss Norwich? I'd love to. 175 00:13:42,163 --> 00:13:44,523 Well, you can't. 176 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:50,363 Now, if you're watching this at home, in your Parker Knoll armchair, 177 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:56,803 hit the recline button and relax as we go girl crazy with a bit of harmless fun. 178 00:13:56,803 --> 00:14:02,523 That's all it is. Please welcome the finalists for Miss Norwich. 179 00:14:04,763 --> 00:14:09,563 The first contestant is Susan Atkinson. She's 20 years old. 180 00:14:09,563 --> 00:14:15,643 Her vital statistics are 34-24-33, so she's slightly bigger at the top. 181 00:14:15,643 --> 00:14:19,563 She's a shop assistant for Saxone Shoes. 182 00:14:19,563 --> 00:14:22,643 She tells me the most popular shoes 183 00:14:22,643 --> 00:14:26,563 are plain black lace-ups with six eyes. 184 00:14:26,563 --> 00:14:30,323 Contestant two is Donna Cookson. APPLAUSE 185 00:14:30,323 --> 00:14:33,563 Donna is 20. ROWDY APPLAUSE 186 00:14:33,563 --> 00:14:36,083 Come on, keep it down! 187 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:41,123 Donna used to dance in a nightclub, but it was closed down after a fire. 188 00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:48,923 Contestant three is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton. 189 00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:56,243 Lisa is a nanny for a couple who - she tells me - make adverts and live in a converted barn. 190 00:14:56,243 --> 00:15:03,003 When she has the house to herself she dances round the living room to pop music. 191 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:07,043 She is the shortest of tonight's contestants. 192 00:15:08,563 --> 00:15:11,283 Contestant four is Maria McNulty. 193 00:15:11,283 --> 00:15:13,323 APPLAUSE 194 00:15:17,603 --> 00:15:20,563 Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic. 195 00:15:20,563 --> 00:15:25,443 She tells me that, before each contest, she says a quick prayer. 196 00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:28,483 She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria! 197 00:15:30,283 --> 00:15:33,603 Our final contestant is Siobhan Glukowsky. 198 00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,643 APPLAUSE 199 00:15:38,523 --> 00:15:43,283 Siobhan works in William Hill bookmakers. So what are her odds? 200 00:15:43,283 --> 00:15:47,643 I'll tell you. They're 50-1. She's a rank outsider. 201 00:15:47,643 --> 00:15:52,283 Siobhan has a Polish grandmother who doesn't speak English. 202 00:15:52,283 --> 00:15:55,323 Those are tonight's finalists. 203 00:15:55,323 --> 00:15:57,763 APPLAUSE 204 00:15:57,763 --> 00:16:00,123 INAUDIBLE 205 00:16:00,123 --> 00:16:04,963 Well, we've looked at their bodies. Now let's look at their minds. 206 00:16:04,963 --> 00:16:09,363 Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone Shoes. Yes. 207 00:16:09,363 --> 00:16:14,803 Do you get a lot of competition from Dolcis? Yeah, we do. Right, lovely. 208 00:16:15,923 --> 00:16:17,963 Donna Cookson. 209 00:16:17,963 --> 00:16:19,483 CHEERS 210 00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:27,843 You certainly have a lot of fans. Are you enjoying the competition? 211 00:16:27,843 --> 00:16:31,083 Yes, I am. Do you watch this show? 212 00:16:31,083 --> 00:16:34,763 No. No. That's all right. That's OK. That's fine. 213 00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:38,283 Lisa Thornton. Do you have any hobbies? 214 00:16:38,283 --> 00:16:42,123 Yes. I like swimming and dancing. Lovely. 215 00:16:42,123 --> 00:16:44,563 I've always wanted to meet you. 216 00:16:47,003 --> 00:16:49,763 I like your moustache. Really? 217 00:16:49,763 --> 00:16:52,563 It, like, really suits your face. 218 00:16:52,563 --> 00:16:56,603 I keep it trimmed with nasal scissors. 219 00:16:57,763 --> 00:17:00,723 Makes you look like Rhett Butler. 220 00:17:00,723 --> 00:17:04,083 "Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." 221 00:17:04,083 --> 00:17:08,163 Of course I do. Of course I give a damn. 222 00:17:08,163 --> 00:17:09,603 You're lovely. 223 00:17:09,603 --> 00:17:12,523 What's your ambition? 224 00:17:12,523 --> 00:17:15,363 I'd like to work in television. 225 00:17:15,363 --> 00:17:19,563 Really? Great. Well, we should have a chat. 226 00:17:21,003 --> 00:17:29,203 After the show. You're all staying at the Holiday Inn? The others are but I'm staying at home with my mum. 227 00:17:29,203 --> 00:17:30,563 Right. 228 00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:36,403 You could just go to the hotel for a drink. 229 00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:42,083 We'd get you a taxi home. I'll speak to your mum, if you want. Lovely. 230 00:17:42,083 --> 00:17:46,003 We'll have a chat. Thank you. Good luck. Thanks. 231 00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:51,723 Do you like animals? Yes. Do you? Yes. 232 00:17:51,723 --> 00:17:54,243 Fair enough. Right. 233 00:17:54,243 --> 00:17:56,283 APPLAUSE 234 00:17:57,323 --> 00:18:00,003 Well, we've done them all. 235 00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:04,443 So while the judges make up their minds, 236 00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:10,723 I'm afraid you're just going to have to listen to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus. 237 00:18:12,323 --> 00:18:17,363 BAND PLAYS: "The Winner Takes It All Number 3 has the best personality. 238 00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,043 It's the best personality. 239 00:18:20,043 --> 00:18:25,763 It's a majority decision, so let's leave it at that. But... Shut up. 240 00:18:25,763 --> 00:18:29,883 Right. OK. Glenn! Glenn, thank you, Glenn. 241 00:18:29,883 --> 00:18:37,483 Well, we have a unanimous decision. The winner of this year's Miss Norwich is Number Three - 242 00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:40,323 Lisa Thornton, ah-ha! 243 00:18:40,323 --> 00:18:41,763 APPLAUSE 244 00:18:49,603 --> 00:18:52,483 Lisa, are you pleased? Oh, yes! 245 00:18:55,563 --> 00:19:00,243 I didn't think I'd win. Why not, for heaven's sake? 246 00:19:00,243 --> 00:19:06,923 I thought Number Two would win. This could be the start of a glittering career. 247 00:19:06,923 --> 00:19:09,323 Who are you waving to? 248 00:19:09,323 --> 00:19:13,363 That's my fiance, Andy. Right. Andy. Right. 249 00:19:13,363 --> 00:19:18,203 Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs Norwich. Don't wave any more. 250 00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:25,643 Well, I said before that if this show was a car it would be Chatty Chatty Bang Bang. 251 00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:27,643 DRUMBEAT 252 00:19:27,643 --> 00:19:30,363 So now let's slip that car 253 00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:35,203 into another pig's ear - gear, a more serious pig's ear - gear. 254 00:19:35,203 --> 00:19:41,643 In a new regular feature I tackle the contemporary political issues of the day. 255 00:19:41,643 --> 00:19:45,203 Partridge Over Britain! You can go. 256 00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:47,243 APPLAUSE 257 00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:05,603 Next week the voters of West Chalfont go to the polls for a by-election 258 00:20:05,603 --> 00:20:13,003 caused by the death of the sitting Conservative MP, Sir Maurice Christopher, who choked on scampi. 259 00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,483 Let's meet the candidates. 260 00:20:15,483 --> 00:20:22,163 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, on my left and to the left of most of West Chalfont, 261 00:20:22,163 --> 00:20:24,803 the Labour candidate. 262 00:20:24,803 --> 00:20:30,163 She's a teacher. She's divorced. She is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 263 00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:34,283 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Lib Dem candidate. 264 00:20:34,283 --> 00:20:39,723 He's a lawyer. He sits on Chalfont's education committee, and he's black. 265 00:20:39,723 --> 00:20:42,843 Ronald Biggs, ah-ha. Ah-ha. 266 00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:46,403 In the middle, me, Alan Partridge, ah-ha. 267 00:20:46,403 --> 00:20:49,203 And on my right, 268 00:20:49,203 --> 00:20:52,443 the Conservative candidate, Adrian Finch. 269 00:20:52,443 --> 00:20:57,283 Adrian and his wife Rosemary have three lovely children. 270 00:20:57,283 --> 00:21:04,683 You're also a fan of steam engines. That's right, Alan. It's full steam ahead for the by-election. 271 00:21:04,683 --> 00:21:09,243 Lovely sense of humour. Adrian Finch, ah-ha. Ah-ha. 272 00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:16,523 The final candidate, who we have to have on - he's paid his deposit and that's democracy - 273 00:21:16,523 --> 00:21:21,083 is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III 274 00:21:21,083 --> 00:21:28,843 of the Bald Brummies Against The Big-footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-ha. BRUMMIE ACCENT: Bald Brummies! 275 00:21:28,843 --> 00:21:34,003 There's a time and a place for fun and it's not on this show. Right. 276 00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:37,003 We'll open it up to my audience. 277 00:21:37,003 --> 00:21:41,843 Throughout the questions, I will be remaining impartial at all times. 278 00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:45,803 I will remain Pontius Partridge. So, er...so... 279 00:21:45,803 --> 00:21:48,523 Any questions for the panel, please? 280 00:21:48,523 --> 00:21:51,563 Yes, the woman with the high head. 281 00:21:51,563 --> 00:21:59,083 In view of the rising crime rate, would the panel consider the reintroduction of capital punishment? 282 00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:04,283 Charlotte Fraser, Labour. We see old women's faces in the paper. 283 00:22:04,283 --> 00:22:07,643 Isn't the best way to deal with hooligans 284 00:22:07,643 --> 00:22:13,643 to hang them till the spinal column severs, starving the body of oxygen? 285 00:22:13,643 --> 00:22:20,283 Hanging is brutal and barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilised society. 286 00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:25,003 What about lethal injection? Gas chamber? Electric chair? 287 00:22:25,003 --> 00:22:30,123 That's not really the point, Alan. All the indications... Firing squad. 288 00:22:30,123 --> 00:22:35,683 The headslap. The headslap. Please don't... Please don't do that, 289 00:22:35,683 --> 00:22:39,603 Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III. 290 00:22:39,603 --> 00:22:46,643 There's no evidence to say capital punishment would reduce crime. It would reduce it by one. 291 00:22:46,643 --> 00:22:49,803 Um...Adrian Finch, 292 00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:52,123 capital punishment. 293 00:22:52,123 --> 00:22:54,723 Will you pull the lever? 294 00:22:54,723 --> 00:23:01,083 Well, whether I pull the lever or not is not the question. Yes, it is. 295 00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:03,123 LAUGHTER 296 00:23:04,123 --> 00:23:08,963 The...the whole issue of...of capital punishment, of hanging, 297 00:23:08,963 --> 00:23:14,083 is...is one wh...which must be addressed on a moral level 298 00:23:14,083 --> 00:23:17,563 by...by the public in general 299 00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:20,643 um...before we can make any... 300 00:23:20,643 --> 00:23:23,483 ..absolute moral decision. 301 00:23:23,483 --> 00:23:27,243 Good point. Very good point. Good point. 302 00:23:27,243 --> 00:23:30,923 Ronnie Biggs, it's not yes or no, is it? 303 00:23:30,923 --> 00:23:37,603 Well, yes, it is. Good. No, I'm disagreeing with you. It IS a yes or no question. 304 00:23:37,603 --> 00:23:42,163 No-one really cares. Yes, no, maybe - it's not life or death. 305 00:23:42,163 --> 00:23:44,603 Well, yes it is. 306 00:23:44,603 --> 00:23:49,683 Yes, but it's BORING. Right, OK, well. The phone lines are open. 307 00:23:49,683 --> 00:23:53,043 We have a call - David Silk from Leeds. 308 00:23:53,043 --> 00:23:56,603 Are you there? 'Yes.' Are you wearing silk? 309 00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:58,483 'I'm naked.' 310 00:23:58,483 --> 00:24:04,803 What's the question? 'Who will have the bottle to tighten up the immigration laws?' 311 00:24:04,803 --> 00:24:10,883 Immigration. It's a political hot potato. Charlotte Rampling, catch. 312 00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:18,963 Fraser. Immigration is one of those questions that comes up time and time again at meetings like this. 313 00:24:18,963 --> 00:24:23,003 There is a reason for that... It's interesting... 314 00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:26,203 Excuse me. He's TRYING to speak. 315 00:24:26,203 --> 00:24:29,363 You're SUCH a rude woman! 316 00:24:29,363 --> 00:24:31,043 Go ahead. 317 00:24:31,043 --> 00:24:34,083 What...what we must do...absolutely, 318 00:24:34,083 --> 00:24:37,843 is put in place a system of um... 319 00:24:37,843 --> 00:24:40,323 Headslapping? No. 320 00:24:40,323 --> 00:24:43,043 A system of... Headslapping? 321 00:24:43,043 --> 00:24:46,243 I am trying to answer the question. 322 00:24:46,243 --> 00:24:49,203 A system of... Headslapping? 323 00:24:50,203 --> 00:24:54,203 You're putting me off. Please. I know. 324 00:24:56,643 --> 00:24:59,123 A system of... Headslapping? 325 00:24:59,123 --> 00:25:02,563 A system of... Headslapping? A system of... 326 00:25:02,563 --> 00:25:06,603 Headslapping? System of... Headslapping? System of... 327 00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:09,323 IGNORE HIM! Ignore him! 328 00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:17,843 Um...Charlotte... No, it's gone. 329 00:25:17,843 --> 00:25:22,283 Fraser. Do you want to talk about women, or something? 330 00:25:22,283 --> 00:25:27,323 I'd like to talk about immigration, as I was before you interrupted me. 331 00:25:27,323 --> 00:25:30,643 Interestingly, people rarely mention the fact 332 00:25:30,643 --> 00:25:37,203 that our immigration laws are some of the most stringent anywhere. Ronald? 333 00:25:37,203 --> 00:25:42,323 More people emigrate from the country than immigrate into it. Exactly. 334 00:25:42,323 --> 00:25:44,683 Shh-shh! 335 00:25:44,683 --> 00:25:47,043 I've never done five. 336 00:25:49,163 --> 00:25:50,643 Great! Six. 337 00:25:50,643 --> 00:25:52,163 No, sorry. 338 00:25:52,163 --> 00:25:56,923 All right. Let's have another question. The woman... 339 00:25:56,923 --> 00:25:59,723 The woman with this business. 340 00:25:59,723 --> 00:26:05,563 How would the panel create more cycle lanes...? That's a terrible question! 341 00:26:05,563 --> 00:26:08,043 Gentleman with the spectacles. 342 00:26:08,043 --> 00:26:11,923 I'd like to ask... Hang on, are you a Slaphead? 343 00:26:12,923 --> 00:26:14,883 I'm sorry? 344 00:26:14,883 --> 00:26:17,963 Are you a Bald Kojak Bigfoot-hater? 345 00:26:17,963 --> 00:26:20,883 I just want to ask about sport. 346 00:26:20,883 --> 00:26:23,363 I'm sorry. Please go ahead. 347 00:26:23,363 --> 00:26:30,323 What are the panel's views on the possibility of the Bald Olympics coming to Birmingham? 348 00:26:30,323 --> 00:26:32,283 Very good (!) 349 00:26:32,283 --> 00:26:35,723 Bald Brummies! Bald Brummies! 350 00:26:38,963 --> 00:26:41,043 Who are you? 351 00:26:41,043 --> 00:26:45,883 Who are you? I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III. 352 00:26:45,883 --> 00:26:49,563 No, you're not. I'll tell you who you are. 353 00:26:49,563 --> 00:26:54,123 You're entertainments officer for Warwick University Students' Union. 354 00:26:57,083 --> 00:27:02,323 Who's he? David 'arrison. Don't do that voice any more. Who's he? 355 00:27:02,323 --> 00:27:05,323 David Harrison. What does he do? 356 00:27:05,323 --> 00:27:08,683 He's a tutor in Political Science. 357 00:27:08,683 --> 00:27:12,323 And what....what are you studying? Law. 358 00:27:12,323 --> 00:27:17,323 What do your parents think of this? Not that keen. 359 00:27:17,323 --> 00:27:23,283 Everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just wasting people's time. 360 00:27:23,283 --> 00:27:25,603 Get yourself a girlfriend. 361 00:27:25,603 --> 00:27:29,283 Well, I think we know a little bit more about... 362 00:27:29,283 --> 00:27:31,923 Bald Brummies are back! 363 00:27:31,923 --> 00:27:35,483 Look at his slaphead! You are a bloody shit! 364 00:27:37,203 --> 00:27:42,243 You're a bloody, buggering, shitting buggerhead! Please, don't do that. 365 00:27:46,043 --> 00:27:51,163 I think he's just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country! 366 00:27:51,163 --> 00:27:55,203 Full steam ahead! You bugger off! 367 00:27:55,203 --> 00:27:58,803 Don't! Please! This is not political debate! 368 00:27:58,803 --> 00:28:04,083 If you're going to fight, do it in the carpark. Just stop it, please! 369 00:28:05,883 --> 00:28:08,603 Get security! Get security! 370 00:28:08,603 --> 00:28:13,963 I'll have you! I'll have the both of you! Come here! I'll have you! 371 00:28:17,243 --> 00:28:20,083 Right! Right! Right! 372 00:28:20,083 --> 00:28:23,443 On that bombshell, it's time to say - 373 00:28:23,443 --> 00:28:27,963 knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, my guests. 374 00:28:27,963 --> 00:28:31,043 Goodnight and ah-ha. 375 00:28:41,643 --> 00:28:45,683 Subtitles by Ali Bell BBC - 1994