1
00:00:09,203 --> 00:00:11,363
# Knowing me, knowing you

2
00:00:11,363 --> 00:00:12,483
# Aha

3
00:00:12,483 --> 00:00:14,803
# There is nothing we can do

4
00:00:14,803 --> 00:00:16,843
# Knowing me, knowing you

5
00:00:16,843 --> 00:00:18,043
# Aha

6
00:00:18,043 --> 00:00:23,163
# We just have to take it,
this time we're through

7
00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:26,083
# Knowing me, knowing you. #

8
00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:28,443
A-HA!

9
00:00:28,443 --> 00:00:31,163
APPLAUSE

10
00:00:38,923 --> 00:00:44,123
# No more happy laughter

11
00:00:57,043 --> 00:00:59,363
# Knowing me, knowing you

12
00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:03,403
# (With Alan Partridge)
There is nothing we can do

13
00:01:03,403 --> 00:01:05,363
# Knowing me, knowing you

14
00:01:05,363 --> 00:01:07,963
# (With Alan Partridge)
We just have to face it,

15
00:01:07,963 --> 00:01:11,163
# This time we're through

16
00:01:20,923 --> 00:01:23,043
# Knowing me, knowing you

17
00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:26,243
# With Alan Partridge! #

18
00:01:26,243 --> 00:01:27,763
APPLAUSE

19
00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:42,443
Tsss.

20
00:01:42,443 --> 00:01:46,603
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You,
With Alan Partridge.

21
00:01:46,603 --> 00:01:50,283
Not the Talk - the Chat of the Town!
DRUM ROLL

22
00:01:50,283 --> 00:01:54,323
We're going to climb
the mountain of conversation.

23
00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:59,203
I'll get my grappling hook and
scale the north face of Chatmandu!

24
00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,843
DRUM ROLL

25
00:02:00,843 --> 00:02:04,483
First, an important announcement.

26
00:02:04,483 --> 00:02:10,923
My dance troupe,
the Alan Partridge Playmates,
were wearing Alan Partridge masks.

27
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:14,443
These - thank you -
are official merchandise,

28
00:02:14,443 --> 00:02:19,643
available in good novelty shops and
Welcome Breaks in the South East.

29
00:02:19,643 --> 00:02:23,083
However, last week
these fun items were abused.

30
00:02:23,083 --> 00:02:26,523
Look at these pictures
from a security camera.

31
00:02:26,523 --> 00:02:30,563
NatWest, Sycamore Road, Corby,
last Tuesday,

32
00:02:30,563 --> 00:02:34,603
when three gunmen
wearing MY rubber face burst in.

33
00:02:34,603 --> 00:02:39,363
Then they ran off with £15,000 in
a copper-coloured sports holdall.

34
00:02:39,363 --> 00:02:42,763
I wish to dissociate myself
from this act.

35
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:46,243
My face was designed
as a leisure accessory.

36
00:02:46,243 --> 00:02:49,683
When people rob, maim, pimp,
ram-raid,

37
00:02:49,683 --> 00:02:54,403
smuggle or peep with my face,
they drag it through the mud.

38
00:02:54,403 --> 00:02:59,163
That said, if you want to buy
the mask, it's quite fun, you know.

39
00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:02,683
They're in shops now...
and service stations.

40
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,603
Students love them! Marvellous!

41
00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:08,323
It's time now to meet and greet

42
00:03:08,323 --> 00:03:11,763
my house band -
Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!

43
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:16,443
# Knowing me, knowing you

44
00:03:16,443 --> 00:03:18,883
# With Alan Partridge! #

45
00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:25,443
I'm pleased you've seen sense and
decided to cancel your court action.

46
00:03:25,443 --> 00:03:27,483
Very impressive.

47
00:03:27,483 --> 00:03:32,603
And it means that I've no fear of
saying knowing me, Alan Partridge,

48
00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:35,923
knowing you, Glenn Ponder - Aha!
Aha!

49
00:03:35,923 --> 00:03:40,003
Knowing me, knowing you,
Bangkok - Aha! (Aha.)

50
00:03:40,003 --> 00:03:43,763
I'm in bother.
I've got a confession to make.

51
00:03:43,763 --> 00:03:48,043
I stabbed an academic to death
in my kitchen. Who?

52
00:03:48,043 --> 00:03:50,923
Professor Plum - it was Cluedo!

53
00:03:50,923 --> 00:03:52,283
DRUM ROLL

54
00:03:52,283 --> 00:03:58,683
But seriously, I believe you've just
had a new kitchen fitted. Yeah.

55
00:03:58,683 --> 00:03:59,763
Why?

56
00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:04,083
Well, my boyfriend's
a bit of a cordon bleu,

57
00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:06,643
and it was his idea, really.

58
00:04:06,643 --> 00:04:08,363
His idea.

59
00:04:08,363 --> 00:04:12,523
I didn't know.
Take me down, please.

60
00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:20,123
We needed a bit more space, so what
the hell, we splashed out. Sorry,
the conversation's finished now.

61
00:04:20,123 --> 00:04:25,163
Come round for a meal. No, thanks.
You'd be welcome. No, it's all
right.

62
00:04:25,163 --> 00:04:27,883
Can we get this to move quicker?

63
00:04:27,883 --> 00:04:32,323
I'll jump the last couple of feet.
That's fine.

64
00:04:32,323 --> 00:04:34,683
Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!

65
00:04:34,683 --> 00:04:38,723
MUSIC: "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

66
00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:48,923
# Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba,
ba-ba, ba-ba-ba,
Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-BA-A, BA! #

67
00:04:50,803 --> 00:04:53,923
That was the music for Pearl & Dean.

68
00:04:53,923 --> 00:04:56,963
We all know, love and admire it.

69
00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:02,323
My next guests are SCOTT and Dean,
but they ARE connected with cinema.

70
00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:05,923
That's why I just sang
the Pearl & Dean song.

71
00:05:05,923 --> 00:05:10,843
They're brothers who produce, write,
direct and star in their own films.

72
00:05:10,843 --> 00:05:16,883
They swept through Hollywood
like a plague of locusts
shouting "Action!"

73
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:21,923
They're big shots in Tinsel Town -
ironic as they're both under 4' 10"!

74
00:05:21,923 --> 00:05:25,603
You'll see what I mean -
Scott and Dean Maclean!

75
00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:30,763
# I can dance with you, honey,
if you think it's funny

76
00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:33,723
# Does your mother know
that you're out?

77
00:05:33,723 --> 00:05:35,723
# I can chat with you, baby

78
00:05:35,723 --> 00:05:39,763
# Flirt a little, maybe,
Does your mother know you're out? #

79
00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:47,403
Ah. Br-r-r. Yabba dabba do!
Eh? Can you do that?

80
00:05:49,923 --> 00:05:51,243
Lovely!

81
00:05:51,243 --> 00:05:55,883
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Scott Maclean - Aha! Aha.

82
00:05:55,883 --> 00:05:58,803
Good lad. He's done it! Well done.

83
00:05:58,803 --> 00:06:00,763
Dean.

84
00:06:00,763 --> 00:06:04,923
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Dean Maclean - Aha! Aha.

85
00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:07,163
By George, he's got it!

86
00:06:07,163 --> 00:06:11,083
You flew in from LA.
Did you enjoy the flight?

87
00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:15,363
AMERICAN ACCENT: It was a pain
in the ass. Let's move on.

88
00:06:15,363 --> 00:06:18,483
Dean, how old are you?

89
00:06:18,483 --> 00:06:21,243
Eleven. Eleven. Big lad, big lad.

90
00:06:21,243 --> 00:06:25,683
Scott, and you? I'm nine,
coming up to the big one-"O".

91
00:06:25,683 --> 00:06:27,163
What?

92
00:06:27,163 --> 00:06:30,363
Ten! One-zero. I'm gonna be ten.

93
00:06:30,363 --> 00:06:31,883
Great.

94
00:06:31,883 --> 00:06:35,283
Are you looking forward
to your birthday?

95
00:06:35,283 --> 00:06:41,003
When you hit double figures you need
time out to ask serious questions.

96
00:06:41,003 --> 00:06:43,163
Like what?

97
00:06:43,163 --> 00:06:47,243
Am I satisfied? Where am I going?
What do I want?

98
00:06:47,243 --> 00:06:51,083
And what do you want?
A space hopper?

99
00:06:52,083 --> 00:06:56,363
A Meccano set?
Or do you want a Batmobile?

100
00:06:56,363 --> 00:06:59,243
Believe me, this guy wants it all.

101
00:06:59,243 --> 00:07:02,243
Well, I can't get you that.

102
00:07:02,243 --> 00:07:06,643
But I CAN get you a...
# De-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne... #

103
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,723
Batmobile!

104
00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:09,803
There.

105
00:07:09,803 --> 00:07:14,363
I don't want Dean to feel left out -
he's looking grumpy there.

106
00:07:14,363 --> 00:07:18,483
There you go -
an Alan Partridge mask. Lovely.

107
00:07:20,363 --> 00:07:24,363
What are you laughing at? My face?

108
00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:26,843
You shouldn't laugh at my face.

109
00:07:26,843 --> 00:07:30,683
It's the Batmobile.
What's wrong with it?

110
00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:37,083
We don't mean to be rude, but
Tim Burton, Batman's director...
I know who he is.

111
00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:41,523
..well, he gave us the actual
Batmobile used in the movie.

112
00:07:41,523 --> 00:07:44,083
The full-size...? With the gadgets.

113
00:07:44,083 --> 00:07:47,003
You can stick that on the dashboard!

114
00:07:47,003 --> 00:07:50,163
It's cool to drive on the estate.

115
00:07:50,163 --> 00:07:53,843
When I was ten I got
a bat and a ball.

116
00:07:53,843 --> 00:07:56,923
I played with that on the...estate.

117
00:07:56,923 --> 00:08:02,603
It was attached by elastic,
so you could bat it back and forth.

118
00:08:02,603 --> 00:08:07,883
It was... In the bat and ball world
it was state of the art!

119
00:08:07,883 --> 00:08:14,723
Do you still have it, Alan? No,
it was taken off...stolen from me

120
00:08:14,723 --> 00:08:17,403
by Stephen McCoombe, a big bully.

121
00:08:17,403 --> 00:08:19,843
He just threw it in the canal.

122
00:08:19,843 --> 00:08:24,283
I told the teacher, who said
not to tell tales and be a sneak.

123
00:08:24,283 --> 00:08:26,803
Where's the justice in that?!

124
00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:32,483
Where is the justice in that?

125
00:08:32,483 --> 00:08:34,963
You gotta let these things go, Alan.

126
00:08:34,963 --> 00:08:37,443
Yeah, you're right.

127
00:08:37,443 --> 00:08:41,323
Right, where was I?
Our new movie. Thank you.

128
00:08:41,323 --> 00:08:43,923
I like you. What about me? Yes.

129
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:49,283
Tell us about Bruce Willis. Did you
fire him three weeks into filming?

130
00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:53,123
Yeah. We had a difference of opinion
What was that?

131
00:08:53,123 --> 00:08:55,643
We thought he was an asshole.

132
00:08:55,643 --> 00:08:59,043
OK. What about me? Am I...?

133
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:04,923
You're an asshole too. No, no. OK.
Could I take over from Bruce Willis?

134
00:09:04,923 --> 00:09:11,163
Maybe you could do a screen test
for us. What? What...? Really?

135
00:09:11,163 --> 00:09:14,963
Sure. Fly over to LA next week.
I could do.

136
00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:21,123
I'm doing a conference for Nabisco
at the Birmingham Metropole, but...

137
00:09:21,123 --> 00:09:23,883
..Nick Owen could do it, he owes me.

138
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,603
It was a joke. We were only joking.

139
00:09:32,843 --> 00:09:36,883
So was I, so the joke's on you -
I started the joke.

140
00:09:36,883 --> 00:09:40,003
No, WE started the joke.

141
00:09:40,003 --> 00:09:43,003
No, I did. One big, happy joke!

142
00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:45,283
..I started. You didn't.

143
00:09:45,283 --> 00:09:48,443
Did. Didn't. I DID! It's childish.

144
00:09:48,443 --> 00:09:51,643
Yeah, why don't you grow up?

145
00:09:51,643 --> 00:09:54,323
Like you? No, just act your age.

146
00:09:54,323 --> 00:09:57,403
He's only nine. Nearly the one-"O"!

147
00:09:57,403 --> 00:09:59,843
Yes, very good. Very clever.

148
00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:03,203
I started the joke,
now I've finished it.

149
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:07,923
You Americans haven't got
a sophisticated sense of humour.

150
00:10:07,923 --> 00:10:11,203
Have you heard of Robin's Nest?

151
00:10:11,203 --> 00:10:15,403
Not got a clue.
You haven't got a clue.

152
00:10:15,403 --> 00:10:22,443
You're three times older, and we're
50 times as rich, and 100 times
more talented - you don't like it.

153
00:10:24,043 --> 00:10:26,643
Why don't you get a life?

154
00:10:26,643 --> 00:10:33,523
I've got one. Why don't you get one?
What kind of life have YOU had?
Very successful.

155
00:10:33,523 --> 00:10:40,203
Last month I was voted
Man Of The Moment by TV Quick
magazine. Ooh (!) Shut up.

156
00:10:40,203 --> 00:10:45,963
I was Sports Reporter of the Year
for Radio Norwich. Big time (!) Yes.

157
00:10:45,963 --> 00:10:54,163
Ten years ago I was broadcasting
complex traffic information to East
Anglia when you were just a foetus!

158
00:10:54,163 --> 00:10:56,603
Oh, your breath is gross!

159
00:10:56,603 --> 00:11:02,523
I have NOT got bad breath!
Something died!
Nothing died in my mouth!

160
00:11:02,523 --> 00:11:08,563
I'm Alan Partridge.
My mouth's a chemical dump.
Gross! Aagh! Right!

161
00:11:08,563 --> 00:11:13,563
I'm confiscating that. And that.
You can't! You can't have it.

162
00:11:13,563 --> 00:11:15,403
Oh! Uh!

163
00:11:15,403 --> 00:11:17,883
God! Get Security!

164
00:11:20,003 --> 00:11:22,043
Christ! Sorry (!)

165
00:11:22,043 --> 00:11:24,883
You should be in a borstal!

166
00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:28,963
Any more questions? No.
Can we go now? Yes.

167
00:11:28,963 --> 00:11:31,483
Scott and Dean Maclean!

168
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:34,363
I'm Alan Partridge. Gross! Aargh!

169
00:11:34,363 --> 00:11:35,843
APPLAUSE

170
00:11:35,843 --> 00:11:37,763
Thank you!

171
00:11:38,963 --> 00:11:41,443
Sorry about that.

172
00:11:41,443 --> 00:11:44,203
Now... Women.

173
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,243
What are they?

174
00:11:47,443 --> 00:11:52,803
To some women you can say, "What a
nice dress. Would you like dinner?"

175
00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:58,403
With other women you've got to keep
your distance. Just be pleasant.

176
00:11:58,403 --> 00:12:04,923
I'm talking about those who,
until the last century,
were confined to Lesbos.

177
00:12:05,923 --> 00:12:09,003
In other words, lady lesbians.

178
00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:11,643
That's what my next guests are.

179
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:15,283
Next week a new series
for lesbians starts,

180
00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:20,243
called Off The Straight And Narrow,
hosted by my next guests.

181
00:12:20,243 --> 00:12:25,563
The BBC told me to help them promote
their show, which is a good idea.

182
00:12:25,563 --> 00:12:30,603
I can't tell you what's going to be
in their show, that's their job.

183
00:12:30,603 --> 00:12:33,203
Let's hear from the horses' mouths.

184
00:12:33,203 --> 00:12:37,243
Please welcome
Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon!

185
00:12:37,243 --> 00:12:39,043
APPLAUSE

186
00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:41,523
# Honey, honey, touch me, baby

187
00:12:41,523 --> 00:12:43,723
# Aha, honey, honey

188
00:12:45,923 --> 00:12:49,203
# Honey, honey, hold me, baby

189
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:51,243
# Aha, honey, honey

190
00:12:52,763 --> 00:12:54,323
# Honey, honey. #

191
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:02,283
"Diddly-de-de-dee, two ladies,
diddly-de-de-dee, two ladies,

192
00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:08,443
"Diddly-de-de-dee,
and I'm the only man, ja,

193
00:13:08,443 --> 00:13:11,803
"Diddly-de-de-dee, I like it,

194
00:13:11,803 --> 00:13:14,643
"Diddly-de-de-dee, they like it,

195
00:13:14,643 --> 00:13:20,683
"Diddly-de-de-dee, this two
for one, badom, badom, bom, bom."

196
00:13:21,723 --> 00:13:26,403
I'm sorry, that was misjudged.
I'm sorry.

197
00:13:26,403 --> 00:13:31,123
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Wanda Harvey - Aha! Aha.

198
00:13:31,123 --> 00:13:35,883
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Bridie McMahon - Aha! Aha.

199
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:39,603
BAD IRISH ACCENT: Bridie McMahon!

200
00:13:39,603 --> 00:13:46,483
It's the kind of name an Irish
flame-haired, fiery woman
has in a John Wayne film.

201
00:13:46,483 --> 00:13:50,363
He'd say,
"Over my knee for six of the best"!

202
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:56,043
You'd say, "Oi'll have nuttin'
to do wit ye, keep your hands off!"

203
00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:59,003
But in the end you marry him.

204
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:02,043
It won't happen - you're a lesbian.

205
00:14:04,163 --> 00:14:05,763
Wanda.

206
00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:11,203
If you married Glenn, you know what
your name would be? Wanda Ponder!

207
00:14:11,203 --> 00:14:17,483
But, er...that's not going to
happen, because you're, you know...

208
00:14:17,483 --> 00:14:19,123
So's he.

209
00:14:19,123 --> 00:14:26,003
I don't want to get bogged down
in this nest of gay vipers.
Have you got a question? Yes.

210
00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:28,563
What's it like to be a lesbian?

211
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:34,683
You want us to sum up
the experience of millions of women
in one sound bite?

212
00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:36,043
If you could.

213
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:43,123
Well, I can't. You're going
to have to, love, if you want
to make it as a TV presenter.

214
00:14:43,123 --> 00:14:48,083
With all respect, considering we've
got a series running for 24 weeks...

215
00:14:48,083 --> 00:14:50,683
Twenty-four weeks! I only got six.

216
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:56,643
Maybe the BBC thinks our show will
be four times as good as yours. No.

217
00:14:56,643 --> 00:15:01,963
You two, you're both lesbians, we
know that. I don't mind. No problem.

218
00:15:01,963 --> 00:15:06,923
Does it bother YOU when you hear
people use these slang expressions?

219
00:15:06,923 --> 00:15:09,003
Which ones?

220
00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:14,123
You know, the usual - lesbos,
lezzers, lesbefriends,

221
00:15:14,123 --> 00:15:16,763
dykes, bull dykes,

222
00:15:16,763 --> 00:15:19,123
Dick Van Dykes,

223
00:15:19,123 --> 00:15:21,323
spare rib ticklers,

224
00:15:21,323 --> 00:15:23,763
cat flaps,

225
00:15:23,763 --> 00:15:28,643
baggage handlers and left luggage -
do those names hurt?

226
00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:32,603
What are those? Just names.
That you guys thought up?

227
00:15:32,603 --> 00:15:36,643
Not ALL. Can't take credit
for lezzers and dykes.

228
00:15:36,643 --> 00:15:41,283
OK, now,
let's talk about your show,

229
00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:44,883
because I've got to -
what's it about?

230
00:15:44,883 --> 00:15:50,083
Next week Jeanette Winterson
reviews the latest gay fiction.

231
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:54,123
This should interest you -
a women's football team.

232
00:15:54,123 --> 00:16:01,123
Also, we have Kitty Mayhew
from the British Museum
looking at Etruscan gay iconography.

233
00:16:01,123 --> 00:16:02,443
Fantastic!

234
00:16:02,443 --> 00:16:07,483
Are you interested in gay... I've
just realised an anagram of my name.

235
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:11,363
"Great drain, pal". Amazing!

236
00:16:11,363 --> 00:16:14,443
You can get "prat" out of Partridge.

237
00:16:14,443 --> 00:16:17,723
I know.
Alan is an anagram of "anal".

238
00:16:17,723 --> 00:16:20,283
Yes, I'm aware of that.

239
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:23,483
I know. So, "anal dirge prat".

240
00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:28,323
I didn't know that.
That's a very good one.

241
00:16:28,323 --> 00:16:33,843
I've been thinking of one for Glenn
Ponder, if you can help me out.

242
00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:37,483
Now, your new show. "Porn legend".

243
00:16:37,483 --> 00:16:42,003
Sorry? "Porn legend" -
it's an anagram of Glenn Ponder.

244
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:45,363
You're right.
Glenn, are you a porn legend?

245
00:16:45,363 --> 00:16:50,363
Well, my boyfriend thinks so.
All right. I hope he thinks that.

246
00:16:50,363 --> 00:16:54,803
I don't want to get bogged down
in a gay hornets' nest.

247
00:16:54,803 --> 00:16:59,323
It's called Off The Straight
And Narrow - a bit of a mouthful.

248
00:16:59,323 --> 00:17:05,603
We call it O-T-S-A-N, or OTSAN
for short. Nearly an anagram
of "Satan". Carry on.

249
00:17:05,603 --> 00:17:09,883
It's just like you abbreviate
this show to K-M-K-Y.

250
00:17:09,883 --> 00:17:13,843
No, it's full title is
K-M-K-Y-W-A-P.

251
00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:16,683
Or KMKYWAP, as someone said.

252
00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:22,323
An Indian talking to Kevin Costner
in Dances With Wolves - "Kmkywap!"

253
00:17:22,323 --> 00:17:27,963
It also sounds a bit like
a moist toilet tissue - a Kmkywap.

254
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:36,163
Yeah. Can't argue with that. I could
wipe myself with a Kmkywap and throw
it down my great drain, pal!

255
00:17:36,163 --> 00:17:39,723
After cleaning your anal dirge prat.

256
00:17:39,723 --> 00:17:44,163
That's just offensive. I wouldn't
worry - no-one's watching!

257
00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:47,843
They are! You lose
one million viewers a week.

258
00:17:47,843 --> 00:17:53,723
All right, I admit it. There's a
conspiracy to deprive me of viewers.

259
00:17:53,723 --> 00:17:57,563
Your mates are behind it.
That lot upstairs.

260
00:17:57,563 --> 00:18:02,323
The Mr and Ms's of BBC 2 don't like
me - they all went to Oxbridge,

261
00:18:02,323 --> 00:18:04,483
wherever that is!

262
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:10,083
They wear linen suits, flip-flops,
and say, "Look! I work for BBC 2.

263
00:18:10,083 --> 00:18:14,483
"My glasses are like John Lennon's"!
I LOATHE these people.

264
00:18:14,483 --> 00:18:21,683
Every week they come to the studio
and say, "You can't do that,
you can't say this." Get out!

265
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:27,243
I wish all you BBC 2 people would
get on a bus and drive over a cliff!

266
00:18:27,243 --> 00:18:30,283
I'd happily be the driver.

267
00:18:33,043 --> 00:18:35,563
That said, er...

268
00:18:35,563 --> 00:18:38,363
Good luck with the series.

269
00:18:38,363 --> 00:18:44,683
Please thank
Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon,
two ladies, diddly-de-de-dee!

270
00:18:44,683 --> 00:18:47,203
APPLAUSE

271
00:18:49,283 --> 00:18:54,123
Let's take a break from all this
chat, for a little light relief.

272
00:18:54,123 --> 00:19:00,563
Fifteen years ago, on a Hoseasons
holiday in Bournemouth,
I went to the cabaret.

273
00:19:00,563 --> 00:19:02,643
It was mediocre.

274
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:09,123
Then, one man came on and raised
the roof. He made me laugh,
literally, like a drain.

275
00:19:09,123 --> 00:19:12,203
I went backstage and said to him,

276
00:19:12,203 --> 00:19:17,563
"I'm Alan Partridge. If I get my own
TV series, I'll give you a break."

277
00:19:17,563 --> 00:19:20,683
Hold your sides, they may split,

278
00:19:20,683 --> 00:19:24,883
as I welcome on
Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!

279
00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:27,083
APPLAUSE

280
00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:36,523
ALAN LAUGHS

281
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:41,603
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls, my name's Joe Beasley and...
Hey!

282
00:19:41,603 --> 00:19:44,043
This is Cheeky Monkey.

283
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:52,763
It's a privilege to be here on
Knowing Me, Knowing You. That's an
Abba song, in't it? So here's a
joke.

284
00:19:52,763 --> 00:19:58,443
What do you get if you cross Fred
Flintstone...? No, not if cross...

285
00:19:58,443 --> 00:20:01,363
What do you get if you, um...?

286
00:20:01,363 --> 00:20:06,203
What does a Swedish... What does
a Swedish Fred Flintstone say?

287
00:20:06,203 --> 00:20:08,963
YABBA DABBA DO!

288
00:20:08,963 --> 00:20:11,323
No, he says ABBA DABBA DO!

289
00:20:11,323 --> 00:20:15,043
Abba dabba do, that's what he says.

290
00:20:15,043 --> 00:20:17,163
The other week...

291
00:20:17,163 --> 00:20:19,723
Pack it in... The other week...
Stop!

292
00:20:19,723 --> 00:20:22,683
We went to Blackpool pleasure beach,

293
00:20:22,683 --> 00:20:25,643
and I don't know if you know,

294
00:20:25,643 --> 00:20:30,683
they have the world's biggest
roller coaster, and we went up it...

295
00:20:30,683 --> 00:20:32,203
Oh, God!

296
00:20:32,203 --> 00:20:34,843
We went up the big dipper...

297
00:20:34,843 --> 00:20:38,883
We're on the big dipper,
going about 200 mph...

298
00:20:38,883 --> 00:20:42,683
..200 mph on the big dipper,
and er...

299
00:20:42,683 --> 00:20:47,723
We go on the big dipper, come round
the corner, and Cheeky Monkey, he...

300
00:20:53,243 --> 00:20:55,563
We're on the big dipper...

301
00:20:55,563 --> 00:20:59,203
No. Oh, you Cheeky Monkey!
He's made me forget.

302
00:20:59,203 --> 00:21:03,643
It's his fault. He's made me forget.
He's made... Ooh!

303
00:21:03,643 --> 00:21:08,443
He's always doing that, ladies...
He's made me forget the joke.

304
00:21:08,443 --> 00:21:11,003
You Cheeky Monkey. Cheeky, cheeky!

305
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,763
Thank you,
Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!

306
00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:16,803
APPLAUSE

307
00:21:16,803 --> 00:21:19,963
Thank you. Well done.

308
00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:22,763
Joe, I think you've been...

309
00:21:22,763 --> 00:21:27,043
You've been very brave.
There's plenty more jokes.

310
00:21:27,043 --> 00:21:30,443
Just a mistake. It's not working.

311
00:21:30,443 --> 00:21:34,323
Apologise to him. He's upset.
It's not real!

312
00:21:34,323 --> 00:21:37,163
Aw, he's upset him. It's not real.

313
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:39,563
DON'T TOUCH IT!

314
00:21:40,563 --> 00:21:41,963
I'm sorry.

315
00:21:41,963 --> 00:21:45,003
You've got a big problem.

316
00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:51,803
If you have any sense of dignity -
your act is so poor -
you'll leave the stage.

317
00:21:51,803 --> 00:21:55,563
I'll get you applause.
Quit while you're ahead.

318
00:21:55,563 --> 00:21:58,963
The wonderful
Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!

319
00:21:58,963 --> 00:22:01,003
APPLAUSE

320
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:12,323
My final guest in this show,
and in the series,

321
00:22:12,323 --> 00:22:19,123
has dined with Fidel Castro,
President Kennedy,
Mikhail Gorbachev, and Bing Crosby.

322
00:22:19,123 --> 00:22:23,883
He's the most feared, respected
and opinionated man in Britain.

323
00:22:23,883 --> 00:22:28,443
He is the restaurant critic
of the Spectator magazine.

324
00:22:28,443 --> 00:22:32,483
He's had more free dinners
than I've had hot dinners.

325
00:22:32,483 --> 00:22:37,043
In Who's Who, under "hobbies",
it really does say,

326
00:22:37,043 --> 00:22:40,603
"Food, food, glorious food...
and wine."

327
00:22:40,603 --> 00:22:44,243
He's recovering from
a heart bypass operation.

328
00:22:44,243 --> 00:22:48,683
Please welcome raconteur
and bon viveur, Forbes McAllister!

329
00:22:48,683 --> 00:22:51,083
APPLAUSE

330
00:22:51,083 --> 00:22:55,283
# On and on and on, keep on rocking
Till the night is gone

331
00:22:55,283 --> 00:22:57,203
# On and on and on

332
00:22:59,043 --> 00:23:01,523
# Till the night is gone

333
00:23:03,523 --> 00:23:04,923
# On and on and on. #

334
00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:13,603
This is the last time
I'm ever going to do this.
You know the form? Yes.

335
00:23:13,603 --> 00:23:20,003
Let's make it a good 'un.
Knowing me, Alan... Aha.
You ruined the last one.

336
00:23:20,003 --> 00:23:22,603
Hello, lesbians.

337
00:23:24,243 --> 00:23:27,683
You were in the papers...
No moustache? What?

338
00:23:27,683 --> 00:23:34,723
You had one last week. Made you look
like a spiv. Yes. I shaved it off -
it didn't suit me.

339
00:23:34,723 --> 00:23:37,683
Made you look like a Lebanese pimp.

340
00:23:37,683 --> 00:23:40,723
As I said, it didn't suit me.

341
00:23:40,723 --> 00:23:43,123
It did.

342
00:23:43,123 --> 00:23:48,763
You were in the papers yesterday
because you were at Sotheby's

343
00:23:48,763 --> 00:23:55,203
for an auction where you paid over
£100,000 for the personal effects
of Lord Byron.

344
00:23:55,203 --> 00:24:02,043
Bring forward the personal
artefacts of Lord Byron.
£100,000 - a lot of money.

345
00:24:02,043 --> 00:24:06,763
You must be a big fan. Can't stand
him - a ponce with a club foot.

346
00:24:06,763 --> 00:24:09,683
So why have you bought all his bits?

347
00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:15,563
Michael Winner was bidding for them,
and I hate him even more than Byron.

348
00:24:15,563 --> 00:24:20,323
Ended up with this junk. A lock
of his hair. Look at that, lezzer.

349
00:24:21,643 --> 00:24:26,083
A manuscript
of some of his rubbish poems.

350
00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:30,163
Wanna look at rubbish?
Careful, they're valuable.

351
00:24:30,163 --> 00:24:37,243
This is what Michael really wanted
to get his greasy hands on -
Lord Byron's duelling pistols.

352
00:24:37,243 --> 00:24:40,883
Michael, I've got the pistols.

353
00:24:40,883 --> 00:24:45,643
Can I ask you a question? Are you
entirely motivated by hatred?

354
00:24:47,203 --> 00:24:49,963
Yes, I think I am.

355
00:24:49,963 --> 00:24:54,203
It's rather perceptive of you.
Thank you. I hate YOU.

356
00:24:55,443 --> 00:24:59,563
Wanda, Bridie, do you like Byron?
Hate him.

357
00:24:59,563 --> 00:25:06,323
Yes. I find his work powerful
and moving. It speaks to me
like the sea in a shell.

358
00:25:06,323 --> 00:25:11,963
You DO have a lovely voice. Yes.
I could fall in love with you...

359
00:25:11,963 --> 00:25:14,563
..if you put a bag over your head.

360
00:25:15,923 --> 00:25:17,323
Please.

361
00:25:17,323 --> 00:25:19,683
I hate you.

362
00:25:19,683 --> 00:25:22,883
Not as much as I hate you, though.

363
00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:27,323
Forbes, we have a surprise for you.

364
00:25:27,323 --> 00:25:32,963
We know that as you grew up in
Scotland, you loved the bagpipes.

365
00:25:32,963 --> 00:25:36,003
So now the Balmoral Highland Pipers!

366
00:25:36,003 --> 00:25:38,843
APPLAUSE

367
00:25:38,843 --> 00:25:43,123
THEY PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

368
00:25:57,643 --> 00:26:01,683
Forbes, what do you say?
What do you think?

369
00:26:01,683 --> 00:26:05,963
I used to throw stones at pipers.
I hate them.

370
00:26:05,963 --> 00:26:12,923
They're Scotland's best bagpiping
combo. They've been on
How Do They Do That?

371
00:26:12,923 --> 00:26:16,323
Do you want me to lie
and say I like bagpipes? Yes.

372
00:26:16,323 --> 00:26:22,363
All right. I love the screeching,
wheezing, rasping din they make.

373
00:26:22,363 --> 00:26:23,443
Careful.

374
00:26:24,603 --> 00:26:27,923
SCREAMING
Oh, my God!

375
00:26:27,923 --> 00:26:31,163
What happens now?
Is there a doctor?

376
00:26:31,163 --> 00:26:33,443
It's not my fault.

377
00:26:33,443 --> 00:26:37,723
I didn't know it was loaded.
Stay calm.

378
00:26:37,723 --> 00:26:40,443
It wasn't my fault. Tosser!

379
00:26:40,443 --> 00:26:43,843
You've killed him! Is he all right?

380
00:26:43,843 --> 00:26:46,763
I'm afraid he's dead.
Cover him up.

381
00:26:46,763 --> 00:26:48,123
With this.

382
00:26:49,403 --> 00:26:50,923
You tit!

383
00:26:52,123 --> 00:26:55,283
I'm the executive producer -
you're fired.

384
00:26:55,283 --> 00:26:58,283
You just killed a man and I'M fired?

385
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:01,003
I'm fired? Yes. I'm fired? Yes.

386
00:27:01,003 --> 00:27:03,843
Wanker! You're a wanker!

387
00:27:03,843 --> 00:27:10,883
Get the pipers back on! We're
carrying on. Get them back on.
Back on? Back on.

388
00:27:10,883 --> 00:27:15,803
This is Knowing Me, Knowing You,
With Alan Partridge, a live show.

389
00:27:15,803 --> 00:27:19,563
In live television
anything can happen.

390
00:27:19,563 --> 00:27:26,083
Do you remember Blue Peter
when the elephant...made a mess
on the studio floor?

391
00:27:26,083 --> 00:27:29,443
Ironically,
it was in this very studio.

392
00:27:29,443 --> 00:27:32,483
I can't deny I've made a mess.

393
00:27:32,483 --> 00:27:37,563
Another exclusive for Knowing Me,
Knowing You, or KMKYWAP.

394
00:27:37,563 --> 00:27:43,243
Just as a packet of Kmkywaps clears
up a mess, I'm going to clear this.

395
00:27:43,243 --> 00:27:48,683
So, may I be the first to offer
my condolences to the family
of Forbes...

396
00:27:48,683 --> 00:27:52,323
Glenn? McAllister. McAllister.
McAllister.

397
00:27:52,323 --> 00:27:59,123
He's at peace now. He went out
like a light. No suffering -
I shot him in the heart.

398
00:27:59,123 --> 00:28:04,443
It's time to close the show, and the
series, as Forbes would have wanted,

399
00:28:04,443 --> 00:28:08,723
with the Balmoral Highland Pipers
playing us out,

400
00:28:08,723 --> 00:28:11,803
and my wonderful guests

401
00:28:11,803 --> 00:28:14,603
and lovely Alan Partridge Playmates.

402
00:28:14,603 --> 00:28:19,123
I'll have to speak to the police
waiting in the wings.

403
00:28:19,123 --> 00:28:23,163
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, the police - Aha!

404
00:28:23,163 --> 00:28:26,603
I'll be chatting
with you in a short while.

405
00:28:26,603 --> 00:28:30,363
Enjoy what's left of the show,
officers.

406
00:28:30,363 --> 00:28:35,563
On that fatal bombshell, I must
say goodbye for the last time.

407
00:28:35,563 --> 00:28:40,043
If you're in Manchester on the 17th,
I'm opening Texas Homecare.

408
00:28:40,043 --> 00:28:42,603
So pop along, it should be fun.

409
00:28:42,603 --> 00:28:49,483
This is me saying knowing me,
Alan Partridge, knowing you,
whoever you may be - AHA!

410
00:29:14,403 --> 00:29:17,083
Subtitles by Kathy Jenkins
BBC - 1994