Here you go-- 50 for your 500.
Don't you want to see mine?
Yeah, right, of course.
Of course.
You look nervous, friend.
No, no. It's, just, you know, cold.
(Slam)
(Laughing)
(Both laughing)
Here.
Perfect.
Very realistic.
It always is.
My specialty.
(Lighter flicks)
(Ticking)
That'll warm you up.
♪ Tra-la la
♪ twittle-dee dee dee
♪ it gives me a thrill
♪ to wake up in the morning
♪ to the mockingbird's trill
♪ tra-la la
♪ twittle-dee dee dee
♪ there's peace and good will
♪ you're welcome
♪ as the flowers
♪ on mockingbird hill
♪ when the sun in the mornin'
♪ peeps over the hill
♪ and kisses the roses
♪ round my window sill
♪ then my heart
♪ fills with laughter
♪ when I hear the trill
♪ of the birds in the treetops ♪
♪ on mockingbird hill
woman: Breakfast, everybody!
Morning, sweetheart.
Did that explosion wake you up last night?
Explosion? No.
But the sirens woke me up.
I was having trouble sleeping, anyhow,
so around 4:00, I thought I'd come down
and bake the bread for the week,
and then I thought, gee, wouldn't it be nice
if we could all have a nice
family breakfast for once,
so I did the dishes and I made breakfast.
Oh, and, Norman, I'd have fixed the bathroom,
but I was afraid I'd make too much noise.
No. That's on my list.
Norman, that is your list.
Then it's on it. It's as good as done.
Come on down, kids.
We're going to have a nice family breakfast.
Come on, Cindy, hurry up.
Cindy: I got 4 more minutes.
Check the schedule.
You're not even doing anything in there, are you?
Well, it's the principle of the thing.
Oh, man.
A high-speed police chase
erupted last night on the interstate,
ending in suburban pleasant valley.
Over a dozen highway patrol cars
joined the Metro division
at speeds sometimes exceeding 120 miles per hour...
Norman: The valley isn't safe anymore, honey.
Uh-huh.
I think it's about time I bought a gun.
Right. That's just what this neighborhood needs--
you with a gun.
Come on down, kids!
We're going to have a nice family breakfast.
Thanks, dad.
Hold it.
What's this?
A pack of cigarettes.
I know that. What I want to know
is what were they doing in your coat pocket?
Are you smoking?
So what if I am?
"So what if I am?"
Do you know what smoking does?
It stunts your growth, it yellows your teeth,
and it blackens your lungs.
Is that you want,
to be a yellow-toothed midget with lung cancer?
Well, I like to keep my options open.
Hey, kev, I've got a surprise for you.
Ow, dad. What did you do that for?
You were supposed to catch it, son.
Are you going to wear that
to school again, Billy?
Yes, my father.
Babe, you notice something funny
around the house lately?
Come on, Billy. We're going to be late again.
It's like everything's falling apart
and nobody likes each other.
Look, Norman, this may not be
the perfect family, but it's close.
It's filled with a lot of affection.
I should know.
I cook the meals, I run the house,
do you ever hear me complain?
No. That's because I love being a homemaker.
I find it fulfilling and rewarding,
and nothing's falling apart,
and everybody loves one another,
so get off my back!
Everything's fine!
(Hissing)
(Tires squeal)
Mom, mom!
She'll be back, son.
(Tires squeal)
(Squeal)
Norman: There we are.
A little nutty this morning.
(Squeal)
Just wanted a little back-up practice.
In you go.
Get in the car, Billy.
Can this be a hearse?
Get in the hearse, Billy.
Buckle up.
(Typing)
(Norman humming)
(Humming louder)
Green hornet.
Norman, we got one for you.
How did the bird say "baretta" when he was tied up--
by pecking out the number of the police station
on the telephone
when baretta was held hostage,
episode 23, "a wing and a prayer."
Is that the best you can do?
(Bell ringing)
How's he know all those shows?
Don't you think it's silly
wasting your time on these cop shows?
Why don't you get on something that matters,
like baseball?
Silly? Phil, somewhere in the world,
every second of every day,
there's an episode of Kojak being rerun.
Can you say that about baseball?
Not during the off-season.
For Kojak, there is no off-season.
(Jazz playing)
Oh, uh, I'd like a bagel with no cream cheese
and a little butter on the side, please.
Thank you.
(Siren)
I said no cream cheese. Excuse me.
Please. I'm a good cop. I show up on time.
I fill in my reports to the t.
(Second man talking indistinctly)
That's why you and Jake team so well.
Jake can't spell anything.
Captain, please.
I'm begging you here.
My cops shouldn't beg.
Don't beg.
I don't know how else to say this.
I want a new partner.
You want a new partner?
I think Jake would be happier
if you teamed him up with somebody
a little more... Like him.
Well, where am I going to find someone like that?
I've known Jake for 30 years.
You don't have to tell me...
Look, captain, please,
I am begging you not to do this to me.
Hey, hey, hey. You're a good team.
Captain, he hates me.
Of course he hates you.
He hates me.
He hates everybody.
Hey, Jake, don't you hate everybody?
There. Now, don't we all feel better?
Got something for you.
Osborn.
He's the new middleman
in a counterfeiting operation.
Seems he's found a way of eliminating the competition.
How?
By eliminating the competition.
Now, he's rented a home
under the alias John Henderson
out in pleasant valley.
Pleasant valley?
I guess he figured
that was as far as we'd look.
I want you and Tony
to post a stakeout next door.
I don't get it. If we know where he is,
why don't we go in there and grab him?
You got a lot of youthful enthusiasm, Tony.
God, I hate that.
We don't just go in and grab osborn.
We want him to lead us to somebody big--
Frederick lutz.
He's picking up a big bundle of phony 50s
from osborn this week.
Lutz? I thought he ordered--
I thought he ordered a hit on osborn himself.
I guess they kissed and made up, huh?
The deal will go down in the house,
so don't make a move until lutz shows.
Hey, Jake, this house we're staying in,
who lives there?
Who cares?
Norman: Hi. I've mentioned this before,
but volume 8 of police woman
is missing 11 seconds off its end credits.
Anybody else complained about it?
No one else has ever rented it.
It's American history.
Norman robberson?
Uh-huh.
Detective stone.
We need to speak with you, Mr. Robberson.
What, did I forget to rewind my tapes?
Tony: Just come with us, please.
Is that it?
Jeez, you guys are strict.
I don't know about this.
What's to know?
Mr. Robberson,
you're next door to a dangerous criminal.
Your home is the perfect cover
for an effective stakeout, Mr. Robberson.
Look, uh...My family's kind of going through
a difficult time right now.
I don't know if bringing cops and counterfeiters
into the house
is exactly the right thing.
The right thing?
Huh.
What is the right thing, Mr. Robberson?
Cover your ass.
Forget about the comfort of the wife, kiddies
the right thing...
We're all just...
One inch away from a lawless society...
And you know what keeps that nightmare away?
Men...
Lone men,
men with the courage
to stand up to the night and spit in its eye.
What do you say, robberson?
You got the guts to be one of those men?
Wow.
Jack: What did you tell your wife?
My wife. Yes, uh, Helen, yes, well,
it would be better if we told her in the morning.
Tomorrow? We're moving in tonight.
I know, I know. And that's just fine.
It's just that I think Helen would be more receptive to this
in the clear light of day.
Don't worry. It's my problem.
I'll handle it first thing in the morning.
That's osborn's house on the left.
You guys better duck.
Don't let him see us.
10-4. We'll enter
the surveillance domicile
through the garage entryway.
Wonderful.
Norman: The garage door is stuck.
So, what's the procedure
if the garage entryway is--
get us into the house. Come on.
All right, all right.
Sometimes I can Jimmy it from the inside.
Mr. Robberson!
Hmm?
Here.
Come on. Come on.
Oh. Um...
(Car alarm sounding)
Man: Keep it down out there!
Woman: Be quiet!
I think that went pretty well.
Helen: Norman?
(Whispering) It's my wife.
So what?
I know my wife.
Let me break this to her in my own way.
In here. Trust me on this one. Please, officers.
Yeah.
It's a goddamn closet.
I know, but please...
Just...
Go ahead.
Shh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Close it.
Norman, was that our car alarm?
No.
It sounded like our car alarm.
It was.
(Banging and knocking)
Careful, careful.
(Objects falling and banging)
What's that?
What?
There's a noise coming from the closet.
The closet?
Oh, that was the, uh, the cat.
The cat?
What's the cat doing in the closet?
Who knows? Could be doing anything in there.
The door's closed.
Norman, let the cat out of the closet.
I can't do that.
Why not?
Because I'm training her.
She was a bad cat, and I'm disciplining her.
Bad cat.
Very bad.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Go back to sleep.
(Cat meowing)
(Gasps)
Norman!
(Cat meowing)
Norman: Now you're a very bad cat.
I told you to stay in the closet
until it was time to come out.
(Cat hissing and meowing)
(Banging and meowing)
(Cat screeches)
Dad.
I'm sorry, Cindy,
when it comes to cat training, you have to be very firm.
(Cat meowing)
Jake: God!
(Grunting)
You!
Don't ever throw a cat on me again.
Tony: Jake, Jake, easy. Come on.
Ahem.
Ok. This is Billy's room. He's asleep.
And, of course, you can see the house
right through here.
So, when do we start?
Are we starting now? Is this all part of it?
Maybe I can help.
You've done enough.
Well, then, I'll just let you go about your work.
Don't worry about Billy. He sleeps like a rock.
I'll tell my wife in the morning.
I'm always up by 0600.
(Snoring)
(Muffled banging)
(Watch alarm beeping)
(Snoring)
(Shower running)
(Snoring)
Norman, save me some water.
Morning, Norman.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Norman!
Norman! (Snoring)
Norman!
(Screaming)
Jake!
(Snoring)
Aah! Aah!
I'm a police officer! Remain calm!
Aah!
Dad, wake up! There's a man in the house!
He's got a gun! Wake up!
What the hell's the matter? I'm a cop!
Come on!
Get your hands off my kid!
Get away from him!
Get him, mom!
Lady, would you--
get away from him! Get away from him!
(Hiss)
(All yelling at once)
Uh!
I'm a police officer.
No, you're not.
Lieutenant Jake stone.
And that naked man laying on top of your husband
is my partner.
Ma'am.
Jake: Put the plunger down.
(Gasps)
(Plunger falls)
Oh.
Jake: Good work.
Oh!
Anybody who screams or runs...
Or hits me with anything
is going to get shot. Ok?
Bitchin'.
Helen: Our neighbor?
Osborn.
Look, I know this is your job,
and I know it's very important,
but I can't let my family take this risk.
I'm going to have to ask you both to leave.
Leave? Honey, they can't leave.
Can you?
Well, this operation
has already been green-lighted.
There you have it.
You see? It's green-lighted.
Well, now it's red-lighted.
Fellas, she wants to red-light it.
Maybe we can work out
some kind of yellow-light compromise.
Mrs. Robberson...
We're all just...
One inch away from a lawless society.
And do you know what keeps that...
Nightmare away?
Men...
Lone men...
Men with the courage to stand up to the night,
spit in its eye.
Mrs. Robberson...
Do you have the courage to stand there with us?
Oh, give me a break.
Tony: Mrs. Robberson,
we didn't put osborn next door,
but he's there, and he's a killer.
Just last week, he blew a man to pieces.
Now, sure, we could walk out the door,
but osborn will still be there.
And your family will still be here.
All right. You can stay.
Great. Great civic spirit.
You made the right decision, Mrs. Robberson.
No, please, call me Helen,
and I want you both to think of this
as your home. Welcome.
Now, um, what kind of food do you like?
Chinese.
Oh, no, not Chinese. You like Chinese?
Helen, they're cops.
All they eat is doughnuts.
Oh, I can make doughnuts.
You don't have to cook for them.
Of course I'll cook for them.
They're our guests.
Oh, I'm sorry. My guests don't smoke.
It's not good for you.
I know I can count on you both
to be a very good influence on our children.
(Dog barking)
Osborn: Let me ask you something.
Do I get a discount if I order more than one mattress?
Man: Oh, yes, sir...
We're in.
At&t, next best thing to being there.
Mind if I come in?
So that's your window, huh?
Yeah.
Norman: Hey. Hey, there's Tony.
Norman, over loud static: Hey, Tony.
Hi, Norman.
10-4, good buddy.
Jake: Give me that.
Sorry.
Too bad he doesn't open the curtains.
You can't tell where the hell he is.
I know exactly where he is.
He's in the bedroom smoking a cigarette.
(Switches click)
Wow.
You've got one of those heat-sensitive cameras?
Yeah.
That must have cost a few tax dollars, huh?
A few.
I'll bet. But it's worth it.
Norman: Just lit one.
Jake: Yeah.
So what do you do when he's not smoking?
Yeah.
(Humming theme from Hawaii five-o)
♪ Bum bum bum bum bum ♪
♪ bum bum bum bum bum bum ♪
♪ bum bum bum bum bum... ♪
You know, I used to dream of being a cop...
Fighting for what's right,
putting my life on the line,
saying "freeze" and "spread 'em" and...
"Rico! Youngblood!"
"You have the right to remain...
Silent."
(Sigh)
Guess I'm talking too much, huh?
Yeah.
Good night, Jake.
Guess what I'm saying is if you need
any extra manpower...
You're still talking.
(Theme music playing)
Norman? Norman, you haven't forgotten
about replacing our broken toilet, have you?
Consider it done.
Man on TV: The United States secret service,
I'd like to give you a little tip.
(Door closes)
Looks like a regular $20 bill, doesn't it?
Oh, sure, it's money, all right--
funny money.
(TV in background) This is...
Treasury file number 6827, United States secret service--
the case of the disappearing serial number.
(Theme music playing)
(Cat meows)
Oh, caruso, get out of here.
Go home.
Pfft!
(Gun cocks)
(Cat meows)
(Meow)
(Osborn chuckles)
(Cat meows)
(Meow)
Looks like you're having car trouble.
Thought you could use a jump maybe.
Uh...
That would be nice, but I don't have any cables.
Thanks anyway.
I got jumper cables. No problem.
What the hell is that idiot doing?
In a neighborhood like this,
if you see someone having car trouble,
you stop and help. If you just drove on,
that would look suspicious.
Where are you off to?
Oh, I'm just going for a drive.
It's a, uh, beautiful morning.
Beautiful, yeah.
Just going for a drive, huh?
No deliveries? No pickups?
No.
Just a drive.
He's an idiot.
Norman: Ok, start her up.
(Engine starts)
(Hood closes)
Osborn: Well, thanks for the start, neighbor.
Sure. What are neighbors for?
Gee, my hands are awfully greasy.
Do you mind if I use your bathroom?
You want to use my bathroom?
Yeah. Mine's on the Fritz.
Pipes are clogged up--
a dead gerbil or something.
You don't want to know about it.
(Laughs)
Norman: If it's any trouble...
No. No. No trouble.
He's an idiot.
He's not an idiot.
He's having a friendly little chat.
That is what he should be doing.
He's going into the house.
What?
What an idiot!
Boy, you keep the place nice and clean.
A lot of my stuff hasn't come yet.
I like it. Too much clutter in my house.
I've got some furniture in the garage you could use.
No, thanks.
There's a nice barcalounger.
Footstool doesn't pop out, but you could rough it.
The bathroom's down the hall.
(Telephone rings)
You need to get that?
You go ahead. I can find it.
(Ring)
(Door closes)
(Ring)
Yeah?
Man: Hello, friend.
Most likely day after tomorrow.
Contact.
Jake: Anyone we know?
Tony: Lutz.
Osborn: I got your full order in 5 different serial numbers.
Lutz: You're still paying a dime on a dollar, right?
Osborn: Yeah. You know, you're getting some bargain here.
Lutz: Like the bargain caniff got when he blew up?
Osborn: I didn't blow him up.
I was as, uh, shocked by what happened to him as you were.
He was supposed to meet me here at the house.
Lutz: Right where it's safe.
Osborn: That's right. Where it's safe.
Safe as it gets in smiling suburbia.
Lutz: Just remember, no funny stuff.
Osborn: That's right, no funny stuff--if you remember.
It's just you alone, right?
Lutz: Yeah. Me and the money.
Osborn: None of your, uh, friends?
Lutz: Why are you so nervous?
Osborn: I'm not nervous, I'm just cautious.
I want us to be clear.
No weapons, both of us as clean as a whistle.
That's what I want to hear, ok?
Osborn: When are you coming?
(Conversation continues indistinctly)
(Thud)
I'm going to be ready for you.
Huh? Wait.
Wait. What day? Just tell me what day.
Hello? Huh?
(Slams down receiver)
Holy shit, robberson's in the bedroom.
I am going to kill him. You know that?
What are you doing in here?
Huh? What?
I said...
What are you doing in here?
Oh, well, you said the bathroom was upstairs.
I can't find it.
No, no. I said that the bathroom was downstairs.
The guest bathroom is downstairs.
I couldn't find it. I didn't know.
(Spring pops loose)
Who were you, uh, waving to?
Uh, my house.
Your house? You were, like, waving to your house?
You can see it right through the window.
Hi, house.
Bye, house.
Norman: Well, thanks for letting me clean up.
I can see myself out.
Get down!
Hey, robberson.
You've probably been looking for this.
Oh, yeah. My tobacco pouch.
Thanks.
Great.
I didn't figure you for a smoker.
Me? I'm a 2-pack-a-day man.
Love it. I know I should quit, but...
You must be dying for one.
Dying is right. I know. I know I should quit.
Go ahead. I don't mind.
No, I can wait till I get home.
No, no, really. It's ok. Really.
Fine. I'll wait till I get home.
No. I insist.
Please.
Smoke.
Norman, muttering: It's a little difficult to...
To do it when...
Never learned how to roll myself.
No. I learned this from an old rastafarian friend in college.
Where was he from?
Huh?
Uh, rastafaria.
Oh.
I never been there.
Uh. I've lost my lighter.
Oh, you got my lighter.
It's not quite lit.
(Coughing)
(Slaps his back)
Pfft!
Pretty smooth.
Fellas, you up there?
Jake, whispering: You better take my gun.
(Door opens)
Parked around the block and came through the backyard
so he wouldn't see me double back.
What are you guys doing down here?
What the hell are you trying to do?
I'm trying to help!
Help? You could have blown the whole darn stakeout.
(Doorbell rings)
(Ring)
(Knock on door)
(Knocking)
Mm-hmm.
Hey! Hi.
I thought you already left for work.
I did. I had some car trouble myself
right around the block.
Oh.
Well, where's your car?
Maybe there's something that I can do.
That's so nice of you.
I have triple-a,
they sent a tow truck already.
So how much do I owe you the pleasure?
Oh.
Oh! Thank you very much. I almost forgot them.
(Thud)
Since, uh, I'm already here,
why don't you show me around?
After all, you've seen my place.
Norman: I'd love to, but, uh...
(Door closes)
I really should get to work.
Osborn: Well, maybe your, uh...
Wife...
Or one of the kids can show me around.
Norman: Well, Helen's gone,
and I'm sure the kids are already in school.
Osborn: Then who was that I saw in the window?
Norman: What?
When we were in my bedroom,
I saw someone in the window.
Oh...
Him.
That was my brother.
Osborn: Your brother.
Norman: Mm-hmm, yeah.
He's visiting from bos... Uh, buffalo.
You want to meet him?
He's a great guy.
Jake, come on down.
Come on, don't be shy.
Come down and meet my neighbor.
He lives next door, coincidentally.
Jake? Come on down.
Well, this is my older brother Jake.
Hi. I'm his older brother Jake.
I'm visiting from buffalo.
Visiting from buffalo.
Mm.
Buffalo, New York.
Oh.
That buffalo. Yeah.
(Squeak)
(Crash)
What was that?
Oh, that's nobody, really.
There's somebody else up there.
No, that's just, uh, Tony.
Tony, you want to come down and meet my neighbor?
Hi.
Tony's...
Well, Tony's...
Cindy: My boyfriend.
Cindy's boyfriend.
Well, we better get going.
We're already late for school.
Yeah. Right.
School.
Great to see you again, Mr. Robberson.
Nice seeing you, Tony. Come back again.
Tony: Oh, sure.
Let's go. Uh...
We don't want to be late.
Bye, uncle Jake.
Bye.
Oh.
Bye...
Niece.
Take good care of my daughter, Tony.
Tony: Right.
You got a pretty full house this week.
Maybe I'll get the grand tour...
Uh!
Another day.
Sure thing. Drop by again.
Mr. Henderson.
Um...
My brother didn't bother you, did he?
What do you mean?
Oh, I don't know.
Being nosy, snooping around,
acting like a... Like a moron.
Well...
A little.
Yeah, well...
He's having trouble acclimating.
You know, he's only been out a couple of weeks.
What do you mean, out?
Out of the sanitarium.
You didn't notice the scars?
No.
No. Come on.
I guess his hair has... Grown back in.
You mean they--they...
Yeah.
At least he's...
He's harmless now.
Wait. Wait, wait.
He goes to work every day.
Work?
(Chuckles)
Well, he drives downtown, sits on a park bench,
and drools for 8 hours.
Well...
Oh, if he gives you any more trouble,
you call me, huh?
That's really sad.
Life is...
(Sigh)
Sad.
(Door closes)
Poor guy drools.
Your brother?
Well, you said I had a lobotomy.
That's better than being your brother.
So why did you do that?
I had to do something.
I mean, you guys were dying in there.
Well, that was good, you know that?
That was really good.
You sound surprised.
Well, it's just...
None of the girls I know
would have been that smart.
Yeah, well, you don't know me.
(Whistling)
Jake: Now, there are certain things
that we as, uh...
I'm sorry. Jake, it's hot.
Jake: As law-enforcing professionals
may have taken for granted
that you lay people
maybe didn't quite understand.
For example,
when staking out a dangerous criminal...
Thank you.
It is generally a good idea
to stay out of his damned house.
Boy, talk about beating a dead horse.
Yes, and there was no real harm done.
No harm done?
But they've seen us.
Yeah, but they don't know who you are.
Now that osborn thinks we're part of the household,
we can't be relieved.
Yeah, that's right.
So I am stuck here on a 24-hour basis
playing the role of...
The uncle from buffalo.
I'm sorry your plans have changed, Jake,
but we're so happy to have you here.
Tonight I've made your favorite dinner--
kung pao pork.
This wasn't supposed to be a dinner party.
What Jake means is we have an expense account,
so we can grab some burger king--
not while you're in my house. Give me your plate.
Thanks. At least let me help out.
I could do the dishes or some laundry.
Jake would be happy to mow the lawn.
Oh, thanks, Jake.
Wait a minute.
Wait a cotton-picking minute.
I don't take orders from you.
I wasn't giving you orders.
Helen: Jake's right.
He's a proud man, and you put him in an awkward position.
Even if he wanted to mow the lawn,
it's going to seem like he's doing it
because you told him to. Here's your tea.
I'm sorry. Let's eat.
Oops. Get the cream.
Pass the petits fours.
Billy, don't have one
until you finish your sandwich.
Jake: Mrs. Robberson...
Listen to me.
I don't mow lawns.
I never mowed lawns.
I never had a lawn.
And if I had a lawn...
I'd kill it.
(Lawn mower running)
Oh!
( Grumbling )
Jake: God damn bastard!
Jake: You dirty...
Son of a... Son of a bitch!
Jake.
Yeah, what?!
Do you have to use that language?
What language?
Well...
It's not very attractive.
I mean, do you think it's really attractive?
It's not.
There...
11 single-spaced typed pages
stating that osborn has a room full of lawn furniture
and has ordered 12 mattresses.
We're getting nowhere, Jake.
We'll get there.
Hey, it's funny.
The only reason we know as much about osborn as we do
is because of robberson.
Yeah.
That's hilarious.
Doesn't this kid ever go out to play?
Listen.
Son, listen.
You're getting spooked, Jake.
Arrggh!
Get away, kid. Go on!
Arggh!
Jake, I'm sorry my son jumped on you
and bit your neck
and tried to suck your blood.
It happens.
Billy, you can't behave like that.
It's not polite.
(Hissing)
Norman, can't you do something?
Billy...
The vampire game was fun for a while,
and now we're losing a lot of blood around the house,
and I think maybe we should try a new game.
(Hissing)
(Billy growls)
(Door closes)
He won't listen to me.
Hey, kid, what the hell do you want from me?
How's it going?
My son thinks he's a vampire.
No shit.
I don't know what to do.
You've only been here a few days,
and already they listen to you.
They respect you.
What time is it?
Quarter to 3:00.
(Sigh)
Quarter to 3:00.
No one in the place.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
♪ It's quarter to 3:00 ♪
♪ there's no one in the place ♪
♪ except...
You and me.
♪ You and me
♪ we're drinking, my friend ♪
♪ to the end
♪ of a brief episode
♪ make it one for my baby ♪
♪ and one more for the road ♪
♪ a long
♪ it's a long
♪ long
♪ road
♪ ro...oad
don't touch me.
Oh. Sorry.
You ever had to catch a bank robber?
Yeah.
You ever been in a car chase?
Yeah.
You ever been shot at?
Yeah.
Cindy, you should hear some of uncle Jake's stories.
Cindy: Oh, yeah?
Look.
Our family's having breakfast together.
Uncle Jake...
How long have you known Tony?
Too long.
Ha ha!
Billy: Mmm! Blood and brains.
Can I have some?
Jake: Get your own.
It's a beautiful morning, isn't it?
That Tony's?
Yes.
Morning.
Yeah, well, I got to be going.
I got to catch up with Kim.
See you later.
Cindy: Yeah, and I got to get to Judy's, so...
Bye.
Bye, honey.
Billy: Well, good-bye.
Whoosh!
Heh heh heh!
Well, for about 30 seconds there,
our life was perfect.
(Coughing)
(Knock on door)
Yeah?
Billy: Bathroom time's up, uncle Jake.
Come on.
I just got in here.
Sorry.
5 more minutes.
I'll sell you my time slot--
9:30 to 9:45.
How much?
5 bucks.
Oh...sheesh.
I'll give you a dollar.
5 bucks or get off the pot.
(Muttering)
(Sizzles)
Marva Prescott for street cops.
The patrolman's job is often routine,
and yet, with every routine stop,
the patrolman knows that around any corner
might be a bullet with his name on it.
Policeman: The magnetic strip on the back
is much like your a.T.M. Card.
We run it through the machine,
and once the information reaches the station,
we can instantly get a computer printout
of any outstanding warrants--
(changes channel)
(Suspenseful music playing)
He looks younger every day.
When are you coming to bed?
Soon. I just want to finish typing
Cindy's paper on Harriet tubman.
You know, it's really wonderful.
Yes!
It really does seem like almost yesterday, Norman.
Remember? I made her that little
dancing seaweed costume
for her first-grade presentation
of life in the tide pool?
They're growing up so fast.
Billy's doing better.
He is?
He's coming out of the box more and more.
I mean, not all the way out, but he's looking around.
Yeah. I think that's Jake's influence.
Yeah.
Jake's a hell of a guy.
He is. I think he's really good for the kids.
I'm going to ask him to talk to Kevin about smoking.
I've already done that, Helen.
I know that, honey, but he respects Jake.
Good point.
No, Norman, I didn't mean it like that.
I meant that he'll listen to Jake.
Well, that's what a father wants to hear.
No, I didn't mean it that way.
Norman.
Oh...
You're going to make me miss the ending.
(Kissing)
Mmm...
You saying you would rather be watching Columbo?
Don't be silly.
Columbo's on Thursdays.
Oh, boy.
I could sleep for a million years.
(Billy hissing)
All right! That's...It!
(Sound of hammering and Billy screaming)
Had to be done.
That was great, uncle Jake.
Helen: Billy...
You sure you're ok?
No sweat.
Jake, you've got ketchup all over him.
What do you want to play now?
Thank you very much.
Yeah. I just wanted to get him to leave me alone.
Jake? Tony?
Tony: I'm in the bathroom, Mr. Robberson.
I'll be in in a minute.
Freeze!
I said freeze.
Detective Norman stone.
Put your hands behind your back and spread 'em.
I said spread 'em.
You talkin' to me?
You talk me?
You me?
(Door creaks)
Norman.
All: ♪ happy birthday to you
♪ happy birthday to you
♪ happy birthday, dear Jake ♪
♪ happy birthday to you
yay! Yay!
Blast it.
Come on, uncle Jake, blow out your candles,
and then you can open your present.
If you don't blow them out, I will.
(Blowing)
There. Now make a wish.
Go on. Make a wish.
You're not making a wish. Now make a wish.
Jake: I wish...
That you'd leave me alone.
(Door closes)
(Door opens and closes)
Maybe we'll just eat it without him.
Ok, mom?
(Lighter flicking)
(Cat meows)
Freeze! Hands up! Bang! Bang! You're under arrest!
Pow.
Uh! I've been shot!
Call for the paramedics!
Cindy: Guess what.
Call 911.
Our bathroom's fixed.
Kevin: No way! Our bathroom?
This is so cool. Look at this.
Cindy: Mom, look.
All right! Check it out.
(Toilet flushes)
Oh, great! Norman.
Norman, did you see what Jake did?
The toilet?
Yes. That means now we have 2 that work.
We're a normal family again.
Hands on your head. Don't make me use this.
You ok, dad?
Yeah...I'm fine.
Do you want to talk about it?
No, no. I'm fine.
I used to get sad sometimes, too.
Yeah?
When I was little, I used to think
people liked Kevin more than me.
Don't be silly.
You know...
Because he could do so many cool things,
and then I realized, hey, I'm only 5.
How old are you, dad?
Oh, I'm about 12.
Mind if I go play with uncle Jake?
No. Go ahead.
Hey, uncle Jake,
want to come outside and play with me?
Jake: Yeah. Let me finish this coffee, kid, huh?
Billy: Whatever you say, uncle Jake.
"Uncle Jake."
(Indistinct radio transmissions)
Woman on radio: 7851, a family dispute.
Hi.
Now, please listen.
I want a bagel with no cream cheese,
just butter, ok?
No cream cheese whatsoever.
Right.
Maybe you'd better write it down.
Yeah...maybe.
Bagel for the counter.
Thanks.
Enjoy.
Ok. Ok, I'm going to pay for this bagel,
but you're never going to see my face
in this grease pit again.
Yeah, yeah. You're breaking my heart.
And if you're thinking of a tip, buddy,
I got some news for you.
What?
You're under arrest.
Ha ha ha! Gee, I'm scared.
Cook: Hey, Gus, you want to hurry up here?
You're backing me up.
Get me some potato salad. Where's the pickles?
We're running low on pickles here.
Not coleslaw. I said potato salad.
Did you hear me? I said potato salad.
Norman: I said you're under arrest, now freeze.
Man: He's got a knife!
No, I don't! I've got a gun!
Hey, man, don't use that thing.
Shut up. Put your hands behind my back--
my head. Straight! Reach for the tiling.
Relax, everybody.
(Patting)
Show's over. Detective norm stone is here.
Put your hands behind your back.
Don't try anything. The gun's still there.
(Siren)
(Siren stops)
(Car door opens)
I want to see a lawyer.
You arrested a waiter?
That's right.
May I ask why?
Well, for one thing, his service stunk.
It stunk!
Come here.
You're nuts. Do you know that?
Jake, he was rude.
But you can't arrest people for being rude.
If we did, all of New York City would be on death row.
There's something about this guy. I've got a hunch.
A what?
A hunch. You know,
like a cop kind of a hunch.
Let's take him downtown and make him
sweat it out under the lights.
But he's not hiding anything.
And stop talking like some TV detective.
You be good cop. I'll be bad cop.
You are not a cop.
Now...
Give me my badge.
And the key to the cuffs.
Now get in.
But--
get in.
Just look at--
get...in.
Stay.
But--
quiet.
Just check his file.
I don't want to hear another word
out of you.
If I even see you breathe,
I'll shoot you myself.
So...
How you doing tonight?
- How am I doing tonight? - Yeah.
I'm suing.
Yeah. I'm suing him. I'm suing you.
I'm suing the entire police department.
That's how I'm doing tonight!
(Computer beeping)
I can't believe something like this
is possible in a Democratic society.
I've had it with you and that stupid partner of yours.
You're finished. You're through.
You're going to be working as a security guard at K-Mart
when I'm finished with you. K-Mart.
Take it easy, sir. These mistakes--
Jake.
Huh?!
(Dragnet theme plays)
What?
Book him, danno.
Woman: All right, he's all yours.
Man: Come on, buddy.
"Arresting officer, Jake stone."
I'm trying to report a stolen--
take a number, honey.
Biggest car-theft ring in the valley.
How'd you make this guy, anyway?
Gus: Get your hands off of me!
I said get them off of me!
Grrrr!
It was a hunch.
That was so great.
You got lucky, Norman.
It wasn't luck, Jake.
I was born to be a cop.
This has been the most exciting day of my life.
You think being a cop is exciting, huh?
Oh, I know it's not all car chases and excitement
like in Starsky and Hutch and t.J. Hooker.
A lot of it's tedious and bureaucratic,
like law & order and n.Y.P.D.
It's nothing like television.
(Lighter clicking)
I'll tell you what it's like.
It's...
It's being afraid of dying
every second of every day.
Do you understand that?
You stole my badge, Norman.
Well, yeah. I'm sorry about that.
They could have busted me for what you did.
I could have lost my pension.
Then what the hell would I do, huh?
I'm sorry, Jake.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah.
Get the hell out of my life.
Well, I can understand that, but--
but what?
But you're living in my house.
(Car door slams)
Tony: I'll show you something great.
Now, this one... This is an X-ray scope.
Hey!
Stop that. Ha ha ha! Stop.
Jake, hey.
That was quick. You're back, huh?
I'm just...
Jake: My shift.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Uncle Jake, he's been cooped up in the house all day.
Do you mind if we go for a drive?
All right.
Thanks, uncle Jake.
I'm starving. I'm bringing the beeper, ok?
Do you want anything?
Yeah. Bring me some fries, huh?
Hey, Jake. You got one for me?
No.
Come on, don't be like my dad.
Me and your dad are nothing alike.
There's a shocker.
Your dad wouldn't want you to smoke this cigarette
because he'd be afraid you'd get cancer,
but I don't want you to have it
because it's my last one, is all.
The difference between me and your old man is...
I don't give a shit about you.
And he does.
(Thunder)
Tony: That's it. We're going home.
Cindy: What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of the moral implications
of your dress.
Tony...
I'm not a child.
I'm a grown woman.
Do you know what it feels like
to be trapped inside this teenage body?
I'm imagining it.
Ow! Jesus, Tony!
Oh, that's, um...
That's my gun.
Oh. Ha ha.
You don't have to be afraid of it.
Just have to know how to use it.
Want me to show you how to use it?
Uh...sure.
Ok. Let me just...
Take out the bullets.
(Telephone beeping)
(Ring)
Yeah?
Hello, friend.
Is that you?
(Chuckles)
Didn't want to drop in without calling first.
Oh, that, uh... That's smart.
Are you alone?
That's what you wanted, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
If I didn't know better...
I'd think you didn't trust me.
No.
Of course I trust you.
Why wouldn't I trust you?
I trust you.
So, uh... You got the stuff?
I got everything you need, pal.
That's very good, because I, uh...
I got everything you need, too.
So why don't you come on in?
Great.
(Dog barking in distance)
Tony.
Now, where the hell are you, Tony?
If Jake saw this, I'd be dead.
(Music playing on radio)
(Pager beeping)
It's going down.
Everything's set up...Downstairs.
I'd like to use the John first.
Uh...
Good.
The bathroom is downstairs.
Lead the way.
Pleasure.
(Telephone rings)
Aren't you going to get that?
It's probably somebody selling something.
It might be important.
(Ring)
I'll get rid of them.
I'll find my own way.
I, um...
Well, it's, uh...
Very, uh...
Very tricky down there, you know...
I'll just get you some of that taster's choice, and, uh...
You can relax.
Ok?
(Ring)
What?
Jake: Is this Mr. John Henderson?
Yes, it is,
but I don't accept phone solicitations.
Oh, no, Mr. Henderson, I'm calling you
to offer you a free trip to Maui.
Look, I don't care what you're offering, ok?
Did you say Maui?
Maui, huh? I heard of that.
That's one of those
less-developed islands, huh?
Bang! Bang! You're under arrest! Freeze! Bang!
Spread 'em!
Get out of here, you stupid little kid.
I'm not a little kid.
I'm a cop, like my uncle Jake.
(Thunder)
Osborn: I never won anything before.
This is just...
Can I bring a guest, maybe?
Mr. Henderson, do you happen to have
your credit card with you?
Uh, well, no,
I don't have it with me--
well, then forget the trip you asshole.
(Dial tone)
How long has uncle Jake been staying with you?
About 5 days.
5 days?
Is the kid bothering you?
Oh, first he's a vampire, and now this.
I'll tell you, he's a handful.
Hi.
Billy, it's time for bed.
That's quite all right...
Uncle Jake.
(Cocks shotgun)
You said this place was clean.
Yeah...it is.
Then how come there's a stakeout next door?
I'm going to take you over
and find out what you got on us.
You stay here and watch the kid.
You don't have to worry about him.
He's got his own gun.
(Thunder)
That's not true. I don't have a gun.
I don't even believe in guns.
Bullshit.
You stay and watch the kid.
You going to be all right, Billy?
10-4.
Lutz: Come on.
Ok.
Come on.
That must be lutz's car.
Helen: Hi, Jake. You seen Billy?
Where's the stakeout?
Upstairs.
Everybody upstairs.
Oh, wait. Tony. Oh shit.
Look out. Come on in.
Close it.
Shut up.
(Closes door)
(Gasps) Shut the door.
Welcome to the party.
Anybody else?
(Telephone rings)
(Ring)
That could be the station.
Pick it up, and be careful what you say.
Hi, Jake. It's Norman. Is Helen there?
I'd like to tell her why I haven't come home yet.
Uh...i don't know.
Um...10:00? 10:15?
Excuse me?
I said 10:15.
(Jake hangs up)
One of your friends from that stupid rock group.
I told him you wouldn't be home till after 10:00.
He said they'd come by. Is that ok?
All right, everybody next door.
Move it!
10:00? 10:15?
(Tires screech)
Breaker, breaker, this is man from u.N.C.L.E.
I've got a channel 9 distress call. Do you read me?
Man: Is this for real?
This is an emergency. I need you to call the police.
Call captain corbett and tell him
you've just spoken to Norman robberson.
Tell him all hell's broken loose at osborn's house
and he's got my family hostage.
Helen: Mr. Lutz, I'm sure you don't want to hurt anyone.
Jake: He's got to kill us. He's got no other choice.
If we all put our heads together--
he'll enjoy it, too, because he's a killer.
He can dress himself in all the fancy suits that he wants,
but inside,
he's still just a street punk.
Jake, you really think this is the time to pick on him?
(Tires screech)
Lutz: Who's this one?
Uh, that's, uh... That's just her boyfriend.
Get down there. No talking.
Great, osborn. Now I got to whack
an entire white middle-class suburban family.
People are going to notice this.
(Thunder)
What happened to your big one, with the silencer?
I thought you didn't have a gun.
You got to have a gun these days
to protect yourself.
Lutz: This was supposed to be a friendly meeting.
Then why'd you bring a shotgun?
What?
That's right.
(Clang)
Shh, shh, shh.
Oh!
What was that?!
Ohh...
Check it out.
You check it out.
Come on, this is ridiculous here, ok?
We're acting like
we don't trust each other, you know?
There's nothing for the family.
Let's just go.
We'll go look together, ok?
Lutz: Good idea.
Come on. Let's go.
Uh-oh!
Shh, shh, shh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
A little too far to the left. Ok.
Uh!
All right, let's just do this.
Now, where's a good place?
Uh...
In the basement.
I got the walls, right, lined with mattresses.
They're going to muffle the shots.
You sure?
Of course I'm sure. I tried it myself.
(Cocks shotgun)
Osborn: I was bored. I was just bored.
You know, I was waiting for him,
and I was very bored waiting for him.
All right, I...
All right, who goes first?
I'm going to take the girl.
Aah! No! No!
No!
Hey! Hey!
Oh!
(Crack)
Oh!
Oh, come on. Come on!
Aah!
Lutz: Hey, come on!
Freeze!
Ooh!
Osborn: You drop it.
Aah!
(Gunshot)
Oh!
You shot me again, you puts?!
I didn't shoot you. I shot him.
This is perfect. Now you woke up the whole goddamn neighborhood.
You were supposed to keep an eye on him.
I was! Then where is he?!
Yes!
(Norman groans)
Norman.
Huh?
Freeze!
Drop it!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
You drop it. Drop it.
Come on, drop it.
I'll shoot you.
Drop it, or I'll shoot mommy and daddy.
Go ahead. Drop it, huh?
Drop your gun,
or you all go back to buffalo.
Right? Buffalo, New York,
you told me you were from, huh?
That's it. That's it.
Now you're being smart.
Everything was perfect here.
You had to come late.
You!
Drop it!
Norman: Helen?
Oh...
Oh, ha ha ha!
You don't know how to use that.
Come on. Come on. Come on, mommy.
Shoot me. Huh? Huh?
Listen, dick. If I can make a lobster-crab souffle
without having it fall,
I can sure as shit work this silly machine.
Now drop that gun...
And don't make "mommy" tell you twice.
I don't know what happened.
I had it planned. I think she meant the gun.
It was all planned the right way.
I don't want to hurt anybody here.
You're not going to!
Oh!
Jake! Jake, he's had enough! Jake!
You're ok, Helen.
Want a cigarette?
Jake.
Hmm?
Don't push your luck.
(Chuckles)
Dad, are you ok?
Billy...
You've grown.
Dad?
Kevin, have you been smoking?
Look what's happened to you.
I told you not to smoke.
Dad, that's Kevin.
Mother?
Huh? Mom.
Kevin: You'll be ok, dad.
Don't worry. We'll get you to a hospital.
Yeah. Daddy, I love you.
We all love you.
Yeah.
Mom?
Norman.
Huh?
You've milked it enough now.
(Helicopter)
Man, on loudspeaker: This is the police.
Oh, wow. Cool.
Man: Release your hostages. Come out immediately.
Prescott: This is marva Prescott for street cops.
The well-manicured lawns of this suburban paradise
were stricken with fear today...
Billy: Go. Get out. Go. Move.
Ow! Take it easy, would you?
I don't know what happened here.
What happened is you're a moron!
Producer: Let's get a shot of the family while they're still distraught.
Excuse me, please. We have a deadline.
The wife, the teenage daughter...
Street cops.
We're on street cops.
Come on. We're on street cops.
Smile, brother.
You first, Jake.
All right, now...Smile.
Paul Simon: ♪ kodachrome
♪ they give us those nice bright colors ♪
♪ they give us the greens of summers ♪
♪ makes you think all the world's a sunny day ♪
♪ oh, yeah
♪ I got a nikon camera
♪ I'd love to take a photograph ♪
♪ so, mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ when I think back
♪ on all the crap I learned in high school ♪
♪ it's a wonder I can think at all ♪
♪ and though my lack of education ♪
♪ hasn't hurt me none
♪ I can read the writing on the wall ♪
♪ kodachrome
♪ they give us those nice bright colors ♪
♪ they give us the greens of summers ♪
♪ makes you think all the world's a sunny day ♪
♪ oh, yeah
♪ I got a nikon camera
♪ I'd love to take a photograph ♪
♪ so, mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ if you took all the girls I knew ♪
♪ when I was single
♪ and brought 'em all together for one night ♪
♪ I know they'd never match my sweet imagination ♪
♪ and everything looks worse in black and white ♪
♪ kodachrome
♪ they give us those nice bright colors ♪
♪ they give us the greens of summers ♪
♪ makes you think all the world's a sunny day ♪
♪ oh, yeah
♪ I got a nikon camera
♪ I'd love to take a photograph ♪
♪ so, mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome ♪
♪ and leave your boy so far from home ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome ♪
♪ ooh-ooh ooh-ooh
♪ mama, don't take my kodachrome away ♪
Ok.