[ORGAN PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
Hello, everybody. Harry Doyle here, welcoming all you Wahoo maniacs
to the year's first session of Tribe Talk.
As you know, the Indians had a Cinderella season last year,
despite the fact that toxic owner, Rachel Phelps,
wanted the team to lose so she could move it to Florida.
The Indians won the American League East
for the first time since divisional play began.
Rachel's gone now, thank God,
having sold the team to retired Indian third baseman Roger Dorn,
after a long, hard-fought series of negotiations.
I might be willing to go as high as a hundred.
- One-twenty. - One-twenty? You just started at 110.
- One-thirty. - Rachel, this isn't fair.
- One-forty. - One-thirty.
- One-fifty. - We'll take it.
Oh, you're good, Dorn.
HARRY: Even with Dorn in the owner's box,
the Indians are solid favorites to repeat in the East,
and go all the way to the World Series.
And why not?
Look at the lineup we have coming back.
First of all, the Cuban Crusher,
the voodoo man with the bad attitude, Pedro Cerrano.
Even though his training methods were a little unusual,
Pedro finished in the top five in homers, RBIs,
slugging percentage and total baldness.
Also back is center fielder Willie Mays Hayes,
who came out of nowhere to lead in great catches and stolen bases.
We're told he starred in an action movie during the off-season,
where he not only did his own stunts, but even his own acting.
And don't forget catcher and team leader, Jake Taylor.
Despite chronic knee problems, he had a fine season
and beat out the bunt that drove in the run that won the division title.
Finally, one of the brightest, young stars in the game today,
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn.
Vaughn began the season in the uniform of the California Penal League,
and had some control problems early on.
But with the help of a pair of black horn-rims,
he went on to set a Major League record for strikeouts
in one season by an ex-car thief.
All in all, things couldn't be looking better for the Tribe.
[IN JAPANESE]
Hey.
- Guys, we signed Jack Parkman. - What?
- Parkman? - We signed Parkman.
- All right. - This is great.
- Hey. Add 42 homers to our lineup. - At least.
Guys, this is the year we go all the way.
[CHANTING] All the way.
All the way. All the way.
[♪♪♪]
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING]
Listen.
Sounds like a Harley.
It's gotta be him.
[X's "WILD THING" PLAYING ON RADIO]
♪ Wild thing ♪
♪ You make my heart sing ♪♪
[CROWD GROANS]
False alarm.
[♪♪♪]
- Hey. - Look at that.
Hi, gang. How's it going?
Appreciate you all coming out. Good to see you.
Yeah. Nice outfits. Those haircuts are cute.
- Benny, I thought you were still in jail. - I escaped.
Attaboy. What do you say, big guy?
See you in the show someday.
Cute?
Say it ain't so, Rick.
Yeah, right.
[♪♪♪]
Jake, how you doing?
Fine. Good to see you again, Lou.
How's the leg?
Good. Good.
- Feel like a kid again, Skip. - Good.
There's a rookie I'll need your help with for a couple of weeks.
Baker.
Jake, this here is Rube Baker.
I want you to help him with a little problem he has.
All right.
Mr. Taylor? I knew you know from which you speak,
I'm sure you'll help me with my problem, which I'm bound to beat.
There ain't no odds against being yourself,
no matter what the percentages are.
Let me ask you something, Rube?
Yeah. Oh, I bet you're wondering how I get the nickname Rube.
No, I got a good idea how that happened. What exactly is your problem?
Well--
Hell, that's the biggest damn car I ever saw.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Everything I do ♪
♪ Got to be funky ♪
♪ Everything I do People, now ♪
♪ Got to be funky ♪
- Say, Jake. Whoo-hoo! JAKE: Hey, Willie.
♪ You just might get Some funk on you ♪♪
Who are they?
- They are our center fielder. - Oh.
- What's up? - Hey, hey, Willie.
- What's up? Hey, welcome back. - What's up?
Nice little 'do there. What, you running for office?
No, I'm just trying to clean up my act.
Can't play the street punk when you're making seven figures.
Who's that?
RICK: It's gotta be Parkman, our new free agent.
Nice jacket.
WILLIE: Come on, let's check it out.
Say, Parkman, even though we're competing for the same position,
I'm glad they signed you. You're a good ballplayer.
Cut the crap, Taylor. I don't like you, you don't like me.
I just hope you don't blame your bum knees when I take your job.
You want me to bean him?
I'll just beat him out for the job.
RUBE: "Avoid spraying toward open flame.
Contents under pressure.
Shake can before use.
Press--" What?
[♪♪♪]
Jeez.
I'm sorry, Mr. Cerrano.
I just... Heh.
You are forgiven.
I love you all. Ha-ha-ha.
Jake.
Lou.
My great and good friends.
How you doing?
- You okay, Pedro? - Okay?
I free and clear.
Did he say free and queer?
Clear.
Free of anger and hostility that run Cerrano's life. Uhn!
Meditation is key.
Five months...
under Master Hama Masasuri.
No more voodoo, just much peace and wideness of love.
At one with all.
[♪♪♪]
WILLIE: Whoo! Get up there, baby. PEDRO: It's beautiful, man.
Oh.
WILLIE: Ow! Another jack job.
Fore.
- Three-70. - Whoopee.
Hey, Hayes, what are you doing?
Going deep.
- I buffed up this winter. - You needed to to wear all that jewelry?
Just remember, you're our leadoff man.
You're paid to get on base, not hit home runs.
Keep the ball on the ground.
That's enough for the first day.
After five pitches?
Hey.
What was that last pitch you threw me?
I call it the Eliminator.
It's a combination screwball, split-finger.
- You name your pitches now? - Yeah.
Sort of a marketing thing, you know, like Nolan Ryan's Express.
I'm also working on a forkball, slider combination.
Well, whatever happened to the boring, old 96-mile-an-hour fastball?
- The Terminator? - Whatever.
It'll be there when I need it.
Jake, I don't wanna become one of these one-year phenoms
who burns himself out throwing nothing but gas.
I gotta start thinking in terms of a career, not just a season.
You work with Rube on his little problem yet?
Now, step and throw.
Damn it, catcher. That's a damn good play.
Well, he looks pretty sharp to me. What exactly is his problem?
[♪♪♪]
[COUGHS THEN GRUNTS]
RUBE: Uhn! Doggone it.
Jeez, Louise.
Duke.
Rube.
What's going through your head before you throw the ball back to the pitcher?
I'm thinking, "I don't wanna screw this up."
What are you thinking when you throw a strike to nail the runner at second base?
- I'm not thinking nothing. I just throw it. - You see what I'm getting at?
You want the pitcher to pitch from second base?
Aw...
If we walk somebody, this guy's gonna turn it into an inside-the-park home run.
Yeah. Whoa.
- Your first spring babe, Vaughn? RICK: Who, her?
WILLIE: Yeah. RICK: No.
There she is.
[♪♪♪]
WILLIE: Hoo-wee. Shucky-ducky now.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Hi, baby. - Hey, Flan, how are you?
- Good to see you. - You too.
FLAN: Good news. General Cereals people are interested...
WILLIE: Money's gone to his head. JAKE: Yeah.
Let's go take a ride in my limo.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
WILLIE: There it is, man.
Watch this.
Hey.
[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]
ANNOUNCER: Willie Mays Hayes is Black Hammer.
[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]
Jesse "The Body" Ventura is White Lightning.
Together, they're taking on the mob.
Mine fell the hardest.
Mine are the deadest.
[BOTH CACKLE]
ANNOUNCER: These guys play for keeps.
Black Hammer, White Lightning, coming to a theater near you.
That spot didn't show the real dramatic parts,
like where they kill my boa constrictor and I vow revenge.
Oh.
- Hey, you're limping. - A little.
What about you?
I'm a broken-down, has-been catcher. You're our leadoff man.
I sprained my knee doing a stunt for the flick.
Don't worry about it. I'm gonna be fine by opening day.
Besides, I'm a power hitter now.
[♪♪♪]
- What do you call that garbage? - That's the Eliminator.
- The Eliminator? RICK: I got a new one I'll show you.
Get a piece of it, I'll let you name it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'd, uh... call it the Masturbator.
[♪♪♪]
Excellent pitch, man.
Cerrano, fool.
The ball and blue sky.
Beautiful.
Like lonely snowflake.
JAKE: Now, just pretend the pitcher's the second baseman.
[GRUNTS]
Golly. Jeez.
Goldarn it to heck.
Shoot.
I couldn't hit sand if I fell off a camel.
Criminently.
They're gonna send me back to Omaha, and I don't even live there.
I'm gone. I'm buzzard bait.
They're gonna cut me.
I know they're gonna cut me.
- Cripes. - Rube?
You look at Playboy all the time, don't you?
No, I don't just look at it. I read the articles.
Yeah, sure you do.
I do.
I especially like where they tell you what the girls' interests are.
Like Betsy loves surfing, gardening and working on motorcycles.
You memorize them?
Yup, I guess I do.
Bingo.
Huh?
Just do what I told you, okay?
[♪♪♪]
Could you throw that back to the pitcher, please?
Thank you.
Louise teaches aerobics and loves short shorts,
unicorns, and reruns of Three's Company.
- Her favorite sports are... - High.
air hockey, checkers,
and calf roping. Whoo! Ha!
Yeah.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Wow, Willie's really got some power.
Off a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple weeks.
[CROWD GROANS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[GROANS]
Ooh.
It must be tough to be old.
You're out.
Hey.
- Good play, man. - Huh?
I love it.
Oh, you...
Damn.
[SIGHS]
One more year.
Yes.
Rube.
What are you doing?
If there's a red tag in there, that means I'm out of here, right?
There's always next year, and you're young.
Yeah, what the hell?
My mama always said it's better to eat shit than not eat at all.
Look at it this way. In the minor leagues, you'll play every day.
- Think of all the valuable-- - I made the team.
I made the team. We did it.
Pedro, guess what, man.
I'm on the rooster.
This team has completely lost its focus.
You think April is too early for a Roger Dorn Night?
Ugh.
Lou? Oh, hi, Roger.
I just wanna say I think carrying three catchers...
is probably a good idea.
Hold it a second, Jake.
Jake.
You're a very valuable part of this organization.
The way you helped that kid with his problem, that was impressive.
He's got talent. With a little patience, he might even become a ballplayer.
What Dorn's trying to say, Jake, is we're not carrying three catchers.
We'd like you to stay on as a coach.
We're gonna need you.
- You'll make a great coach. - Screw you, Dorn.
I'm not a coach, I'm a ballplayer.
Why don't you find some shmuck with his belly hanging over his belt
and pastrami sticking out of his mouth?
I'm done with baseball.
JAKE: Called everywhere.
Nobody's looking for a 41-year-old catcher with bad knees.
Well, it's not like you don't have other options.
Alan Bellows wants you to join his brokerage firm.
[♪♪♪]
Jack Pursoff wants me to head up one of his Pepsi distributorships.
And you'd be close to home.
I'd make a hell of a lot more money than I would as a coach.
So, what if I never made it to a World Series?
Well, I think it's pretty obvious what you ought to do.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'll tell Dorn I begged you to come back.
Thanks, Skip.
[CROWD CHEERING]
- Hey. - How you doing?
Hola, how you doing, man?
Yeah. Hey. How you doing?
All right, all right, all right. Yeah.
- Hi, baby. - Hi, sweetie. How are you?
I've set up a little photo op with an inner-city youth group.
You mean, a gang? No problem. I used to be in one. I was in four or five.
No, these are first-time offenders. They're trying to keep out of gangs.
All you have to do is pose with a juvenile hall kid and the education director.
Do we really have to do this now?
Are you kidding? It doesn't hurt to show you have a social conscience,
that you're giving back to the community. You'll be fine.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: The final boarding call
for U.S. Air Flight 178, heading to Pittsburgh.
- All U.S. Air passengers... - Oh, man. It's him.
- Hi, Rick. - Nikki, how are you?
BOY: What's he doing in a suit? - Fine.
This is Frankie. He's one of my students.
He won room inspection five days in a row to be in this picture.
- You could eat prime rib off my floor. - Way to go, Frankie.
Just a minute, Rick. He has a problem with his flash.
Is that your new girlfriend?
Yeah. She's also my agent.
FRANKIE: Major babe.
Does she like riding on your Harley?
- Is this gonna happen or what? - Ready to go.
Don't tell me you sold the Harley.
Flannery has been great for me. I'm not the bum I used to be.
I liked the bum you used to be.
- Okay, that's it. Thanks a lot. - Great.
- Take care, Frankie. - All right.
- So long, kids. - Bye.
See you later, Nikki.
Hey, Rick. I thought you might want this back.
You left it at my apartment.
[♪♪♪]
I don't have much use for it now, but thanks.
See you, Rick.
So long, Nikki.
Come on.
Folks, my next guest is about the closest thing baseball has to a rock star.
From the Cleveland Indians, Rick "The Wild Thing" Vaughn.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
WOMEN: Rick, we love you!
Let's get right to it.
This whole Wild Thing label that you've been saddled with,
this has led a lot of people to believe that you're borderline scary.
Like you're a psycho. But you seem like a straight shooter.
- Yeah. - Where does this reputation come from?
From what I've read, you had some mix-up as a kid with the cops.
And is that something you wanna talk about?
No.
Sure. I saw this new Corvette...
took it for a drive.
Just kind of boys-being-boys kind of thing?
Through four states.
Four states? Oh, that's a lot.
It ended in a high-speed chase.
Had it up there around 140 or so.
When I got out of the car, the cop had a real attitude.
They were gonna throw the book at me, but my cousin dates a judge in Colorado.
He's a transvestite.
[GROANS]
- The judge or your cousin? - The judge.
Oh. Um...
Let's take a little break. More with Rick right after this.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: It's cool, it's overcast,
and it's foggy on opening day here in Cleveland.
Hello, everyone. I'm Harry Doyle
along with my friend and partner, Monte What's-His-Name,
giving a Wahoo welcome to all the Cleveland faithful.
It's a brand-new season and a new team spirit,
as novice owner Roger Dorn has made two very savvy front office moves.
Acquiring free-agent slugger Jack Parkman,
and announcing his own retirement, eliminating a huge hole at third base.
Hell, no. Not a great spring.
- Three and 24. - Oh, so what?
They had a bad spring. They did the same thing last year.
The important thing is that Parkman and Hayes are killing the ball.
Cerrano, he's lying in the weeds.
Rick Vaughn, he's off to a slow start.
But look out, they're gonna erupt.
They're gonna bust loose. They're gonna do it.
They're gonna bust loose.
- They're a powder keg. - Juggernaut.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Getting close now, as the Indians begin their drive
for a world championship against the hated Chicago White Sox,
who swept the Tribe right out of the playoffs last year.
And listen to the roar of the crowd as the Indians take the field.
[CROWD ROARING]
[ORGAN PLAYS "CHARGE"]
WOMAN: Mow them down, Wild Thing!
Did you ever have that feeling you were just born for greatness?
HARRY: Rick Vaughn gets the starting call today.
We're told he matured a lot over the winter.
Apparently, he's bathing now. Congratulations, Rick.
As you know, Monte, Vaughn's been working on new pitches,
the Eliminator and the Humiliator, to complement his fastball, the Terminator.
I heard that.
Dynamite drop-in, Monte. That broadcast school has really paid off.
We're ready for the opening pitch.
Vaughn winds and fires.
It's a strike, and we're underway.
All right, Ricky. Good job!
Great pitch, man. Great pitch.
Do it again. Come on, let's see it.
God, he was-- He was--
Yeah?
HARRY: Vaughn winds for the 0-2 pitch.
Called strike three.
Called strike six.
Called strike nine. Inning over.
- Yeah, all right! - Yeah!
Break out the champagne.
It's in the bag.
The fat lady has left the building.
So Vaughn sets down the White Sox in the top of the first.
Willie Mays Hayes steps in.
Hayes had a great spring, adding the long ball to his speed.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting, double zero, Willie Mays Hayes.
HARRY: Willie swinging his shillelagh at the plate.
And Hayes is calling his shot. He's pointing toward the left bleachers.
All right, Willie. Right here, Willie!
What's he pointing at?
What? Does he know someone up there?
[♪♪♪]
Hayes ready at the plate. Alaimo into his windup and the pitch.
Here's a swing and a drive to left and deep.
Way back. Belmonti racing toward the wall.
This one has a chance.
It's going, going--
Not quite gone.
Ha-ha. That had to be the wind.
- It must've been the wind. - Yeah.
Top of the third. Vaughn's been in trouble a couple times,
but has held the White Sox with his new assortment of breaking stuff.
Humiliator lined to left, a base hit.
Eliminator lined to right, another base hit.
There's some real pus lined to center.
Termini is coming around third. The throw is cut off. He'll score.
And it's 1-0, White Sox.
- What? - What?
They're hammering the slow crap.
Think your arm could stand the strain of throwing a fastball?
Look, I'll throw it. You just make sure you catch it.
I will if it ever gets to me.
God knows what Vaughn's gonna throw next.
He's running out of names.
That'll bring up Hank Shaw
who led the Sox in homeruns and RBIs last year.
I don't know how he keeps his mind on baseball,
what with the paternity suits.
- Those are parking tickets. - Yeah.
MAN: Come on, Wild Thing!
Vaughn has his sign and comes set, checks the runner at second.
Here's the pitch to Shaw. Swung on and belted to deep right field.
Back goes Cerrano.
He'll need a rocket up his ass to catch this one. That baby is out of here.
Oh, yes!
That looked like the Terminator, only slower.
Maybe it was his Out-of-Stater, or it could've been the Hibernator.
That baby is definitely going away for the winter.
Whatever for Vaughn, it might be "see you later."
He's probably gonna become a spectator.
Didn't have much on that one.
Four-nothing, Chicago. Hayes at the plate.
And he's calling it again.
[CROWD CHEERING]
- Come on. This time for sure! - Come on!
Oh, forget that crap. Put the ball on the ground.
Alaimo looking in for the sign and goes into his windup.
Swing and a drive to deep left. It could go this time.
Yes! Yes!
Belmonti back to the wall again. Way back!
- Come on! - Come to Papa.
It is...
Come to Papa!
Caught.
[CROWD GROANS]
Bite me, Belmonti!
Of course, he could be pointing at the left fielder.
Bottom of the sixth.
Jack Parkman stepping in with runners at the corners.
Parkman with two hits already today.
Martinez leads away from first, Warren from third.
Parkman doing his little shimmy.
It drives the women here in Cleveland crazy.
Vargas, the little left-hander, set at the belt.
Here's the pitch. Parkman swings
and drives one to deep left center. Looks like he got it all.
It is goodbye, Mr. Rawlings.
And the Indians pull to within one at 4 to 3.
[♪♪♪]
Way to go, Jack! I bought him.
Welcome to New Jack City!
I told you that this guy will make a difference.
- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Jacksonville. Jack the Ripper. - Jackmate!
- Jumping Jack Flash! - Jack Attack!
HARRY: I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A's.
It's amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy.
He's still a dick.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting... HARRY: Last of the ninth.
Two outs and a tying run at first. And Pedro Cerrano steps into the box.
Cerrano, hitless today, and pretty much all spring.
Martinez takes his lead from first again.
Here's the pitch.
Cerrano swings. And it's a high fly ball to center field.
And it hits a bird. The ball drops into right,
the bird into short center.
Cerrano rounds first and heads for center field?
- Hey! Where are you going? - Go, go, go!
Cerrano kill a living thing.
Forget the damn bird! Run, run!
He's alive.
[CHUCKLES]
Martinez around third, heading for home, and so is the bird.
- Bye-bye, birdie. - Sorry, but you're out, Mr. Gandhi.
Too late. Run doesn't score.
Ball game's over.
- Oh, what? - What?
Cerrano, come on!
[CROWD BOOING]
HARRY: Well, the Indians drop a tough one, 4 to 3,
as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon
and then is tagged out administering CPR
before the tying run could score.
- It's a funny game, eh? - At least the bird survived.
Who cares? It's a rat with wings.
Two months.
Two months?
- What do you mean? - You have enough money
to run the team for two months. You paid too much for the franchise.
There's another four months in the season. What am I supposed to do?
Increase your profits any way you can.
What the hell is this crap?
[♪♪♪]
Well, Roger Dorn has done a little redecorating around the ballpark.
The outfield walls now look like the Yellow Pages.
And any of you folks having trouble finding a good proctologist
might wanna come here and check out the area around the 375-foot sign.
As for the game, we got a real nail-biter here tonight.
It's a lot closer than that 11 to 2 score.
Mr. Vaughn. I thought you were starting tonight.
- I did. - Oh, sorry.
I didn't turn it on until the second inning.
I can't believe you're upset about what the valet said.
I am because Billy Ritter hit a three-run homer off me.
He was due.
I mean, the man has been in the majors for seven years.
- He's never hit a home run. - Never?
- I thought you knew. - Aww.
You should throw fastballs until you're sure of your other pitches.
I did that tonight.
I threw Ritter an 87-mile-an-hour fastball, and he crushed it.
Last year, I averaged 96.
Now I reach back, and it's just not there.
I can't believe it. I've forgotten how to throw heat.
Look, you'll make a few adjustments.
In a week or two, you'll be laughing about this.
And don't worry about the endorsements.
[♪♪♪]
It's not your ERA they're gonna be worried about.
It's your image that's important.
Wholesome...
clean-cut...
all-American.
[THUD]
While on the croquet lawn, one must be careful not to offend one's opponent
with an onset of unwanted odor.
Oh, bully.
That's why I use Right Guard sport stick.
Maximum protection against odicious,
odourophously, olflacty emanations.
That's a cut.
Let's just cut that.
It's odiously, odiferous, olfactory emanations.
Right.
Odouroforous, ofolactory emaranations.
Odourforous, oflactonal nominations.
Odouroforous, ofiloctagyl, emancipations.
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ Whoa Boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom ♪♪
HARRY: So Weaver doubles off the Zippo Bail Bonds sign.
That's another team record for Rick Vaughn,
the fifth consecutive extra base hit in the inning.
- Out! - And he's out by an eyelash at third.
Cerrano doing some interesting limbering-up exercises in right.
What a pansy.
- Here's a fly ball hit to right. - Oh, shit.
Easy play for Cerrano, under it now, and makes the--
No. That ball is off his glove and out of here.
Well, credit Cerrano with an RBI, and that play could be a finalist
in the Trojan Inn's Boner of the Week Award.
Take 87.
DIRECTOR: And action.
Right Guard sport stick.
[♪♪♪]
Anything less...
would be uncivilized.
Upside down.
Thank you. Cut.
[IN JAPANESE]
Hey, Rick, is it true you're moving to the bullpen?
Of course not. Where do you guys get this stuff?
[♪♪♪]
FRANKIE: Hey, Wild Thing.
You're still the best. You stunk at the beginning of last year too.
- Thanks, Frankie. - We don't believe what they say
in the papers, that you're a fluke and all that stuff.
- That you lost your fastball. - And that you got no heart.
- You want an autograph or something? - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Hey, Nikki. - You got something Vaughn can sign?
Hi, Rick.
Hi.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting, number 21, John Lake.
Listen, I'm sorry to hear they took you out of the rotation.
- It's only temporary. NIKKI: You're just in a slump.
- You'll bounce back. - Yeah.
Well, we better get back.
Hey, Nikki.
I'm sorry I didn't call you after last season.
It's for the best.
We've both moved on to better things.
You seeing anybody?
Yeah, yeah.
This'll crack you up. He's from Chicago.
Big White Sox fan.
Boy, does he hate you.
- Good luck, Rick. - Thanks.
ANNOUNCER: Today's paid attendance, 2714.
What a great woman.
Goddamn White Sox fan.
Such a nice personality.
I bet he loves the idea of me in the bullpen.
- Really sexy too. - I've met the woman.
I don't need a description, all right?
A White Sox fan.
Women.
You can't live without them, and they can't pee standing up.
Well, fans, the Indians about to extend their winning streak to...
Two.
JOHNNY: This is it. Vaughn's coming out of it.
I know he's coming out of it. This demotion to the bullpen
- has got to have been a wake-up call. - Rise and shine.
- This is the day we turn it around. - Turn it around, Rick.
We're in the top of the ninth, leading 10-7.
Bases loaded. Two down.
And Rick Vaughn has come on to try and nail it down
against Felipe Aguilar, a dangerous right-handed batter.
Here's the pitch.
Oh, shit.
- Hot damn, no! - No. No. No.
Out of the game.
If that's not Shaquille O'Neal in left, that baby's out of here.
- Whoa, grab her. Man, get out of here. - No!
You rotten bums!
You overpaid weenies!
Wild Thing, you make my butt sting!
I detest you!
You're all garbage!
All of you!
Back up the truck. Back it up!
REPORTER 1: Jack, being new to the club,
how do you feel about the way things
- have gone for the Indians so far? - I'm the only winner on the team.
The rest of them are losers, either by choice or by birth.
REPORTER 2: Jack, how about this? Wait a minute.
Think you can help me with my fastball?
THERAPIST: We'll have to deal with some deeper issues first.
I don't have any deeper issues. I like to keep things right on the surface.
Well, sometimes, there are little surprises.
Tell me, Rick, what goes through your mind
when you throw your fastball?
I'm wondering if it'll end up in the catcher's mitt or in some guy's den.
Did you used to think this way?
I didn't usually think at all. Takes a lot out of you.
Well, then, Rick, let's get down to it.
The real problem here goes back to when you stole that car.
You wanted to be caught, didn't you? Punished?
You wouldn't have thrown the 0-2 fastball to Fields
when he'll chase the two-strike curveball in the dirt.
I'd thrown him two curveballs. The second one, he hit a 436-feet foul.
Better than 520-feet fair.
Parkman, I saw your little interview in this morning's paper.
You're benched for two games.
- If you rip your teammates again-- - Save your breath.
What did you say?
You ought to listen to the radio more, Lou.
Your biggest gun just got traded to Chicago.
As a matter of fact, your only gun.
Au revoir.
How could you sell my best player without asking me?
I'm on my ass.
I'm tapped out. I'm not gonna be able to make next month's payroll.
Oh, jeez.
But I didn't sell Parkman outright.
I got you an outfielder. He used to play with the Giants.
Franklin?
Not those Giants.
[SCREAMS IN JAPANESE]
[CROWD GROANS]
HARRY: And so Hiroshi "Kamikaze" Tanaka,
recently of the Tokyo Giants,
knocks himself cold for the second time this week.
Maybe in Japan, that's actually better than catching the ball.
Personally, I think he's just trying to get out of the lineup.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
[♪♪♪]
[CHANTING]
[IN JAPANESE]
Pedro Cerrano. How you doing?
[IN ENGLISH] Who your master?
My master?
It's the great Hama Masasuri.
[IN JAPANESE]
Thank you.
[IN ENGLISH] A ball player must be a warrior.
Not a monk.
Aah!
All right, you guys. Let's listen up.
We won a game yesterday.
If we win one today, that's two in a row.
If we win one tomorrow, that's called a winning streak.
It has happened before.
So let's see some hustle. Let's jack it up a little.
I got a feeling things are about to turn around for us.
Oh, my God.
Hello, boys.
You don't mind if I come in and visit with you for a moment, do you?
This clubhouse is off-limits to everyone but Indian personnel.
- That does include the owner, doesn't it? - What?
I just bought the team back this morning at a substantial profit.
I retained Roger here as the general manager.
But the money really means little to me.
I have more than enough.
This is more personal.
Last year, by some impossible fluke,
you ruined a beautiful dream.
Now, you're going down in flames,
and I wanna be there when you go splat.
Keep up the good work, gents.
Miss Phelps?
[IN JAPANESE]
Oh.
You.
Come on, you're not gonna let her get you down, are you?
You guys won last year just to spite her.
Maybe she's just what we need.
Oh, Skip, they were a different team last year.
Taylor, it's not your job to make excuses.
That's all you guys do good!
It's either a leg thing...
or a spiritual thing, or a psychological thing,
or a heart attack.
- Who used heart attack? - Me.
JAKE: Hey.
LOU: Doctors say I gotta take some time off
so I want you to manage the team for the rest of the year.
You've gotta be kidding, Lou. I don't have any experience managing.
Ah, you're one of the smartest players I ever coached.
Guys all look up to you.
Tell Dorn you'll take the job.
Look on the bright side.
Things couldn't get any worse.
Hey, guys.
I got some good news for you.
This morning at 9:10 a.m.,
I activated myself.
What you doing? Schoup.
Hey.
What is this?
[♪♪♪]
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
[IN ENGLISH] Buddha, samurai, okay.
Peaceful inside.
Outside, warrior.
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN ENGLISH] I love you, man.
I love you too much.
[IN ENGLISH] You know, you have no...
You have no...
Marbles.
- Marbles? - Marbles.
You have no marbles.
Hey, relax.
Marbles?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[GROWLS]
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Hello, Tribe fans.
Welcome back to Major League Baseball.
Sort of.
Paid attendance today is 1412.
Some of them were driven away by that 10-run first inning the Red Sox put up.
Take over, Monte.
I'm in the bag.
Me?
Fly ball.
Caught.
I can't believe we gotta play a doubleheader.
All right, let's get going. Come on, let's get something started.
It's okay, Pedro. The guy made a great play, huh?
- Tough luck, man. - Come on. Look alive, look alive.
Uh-uh-uh. Don't you think you better get out to the bullpen?
- Right now? - Yeah.
- There's somebody left in the bleachers. TAYLOR: Who cares? Get out there.
JOHNNY: Hey, Vile Thing!
I think I loathe you!
You didn't think I'd abandon you, did you, Vaughn?
You human piece of cow flop!
You big steaming pile of mastodon dung!
Bring out the pooper-scooper!
You bush-league, no-talent, flash-in-the-pan choke artist!
Huh? Hey, where you going, Vaughn? You looking for your Terminator?
Yeah, you go back in there, Vaughn.
Hey, didn't I tell you to go to the bullpen?
- We're down by 10 runs. - You can still get some work in.
I've had enough of that maniac out there.
- Time! Ball hit him! JAKE: Oh, great.
UMPIRE: First base!
Hayes, go run for Rube.
- My leg's hurting. - I'll run.
Rube's hurting worse than you. Now get in there.
If the gutless wonder doesn't have to pitch, why should I have to run?
- Who you calling gutless, Tin Man? - Tin man?
I got a genuine leg injury, pal.
Yeah, that limp is the best acting you've done all year.
Well, at least I don't have some cover girl dragging me around by my johnson.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, break it up. Break it up.
What are you guys doing? This isn't nice.
Wait, don't touch me.
A fight? I'll show you a fight. Come on!
I'll take on the whole team!
Come on, you don't know how to fight! You wusses!
Harry, wake up. Harry.
- Huh? What? - Look.
HARRY: My God.
Good news, fans.
The Indians are showing signs of life for the first time in weeks.
As a matter of fact, they appear to be beating the crap out of each other.
It looks like Willie Hayes is trying to hit Rick Vaughn.
And why not? Everybody else in the league does.
He swings and misses.
I don't know, it looks like Vaughn's carrying his left low.
This could hurt him in the later rounds.
UMPIRE: So, what are we gonna do?
Toss them, I guess.
The whole team?
Yeah.
All right, you're out of here!
All of you!
Well, it's not broken.
But you're gonna have to stay off it for a couple of days.
Lucky son of a gun.
At least you ain't gotta hang around and play the second game, right?
Hey, Willie.
Willie.
I can't believe you said that.
Shit.
I talked to a boy in the bleachers who hails from downtown.
He told me the most grass he's seen in his whole life
is the patch we play on every day.
We're in the goldarn major leagues, boys.
I don't know about you, but I've been waiting my whole life to get here.
I'll be damned if I'll act like my best pig died because we ain't doing so good.
I love to play baseball.
And I'll bet somewhere along the line, you all did too.
I'm ready to play ball if you need me.
My dad figured I wouldn't amount to much except...
Well, I never came up with anything, but I know I can play ball a little.
A day of playing ball is better than whatever most people do for a living.
So just put me in someplace.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Oh, boy.
Bottom of the ninth, Cleveland down, one to nothing.
ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: Now batting, number 11, Rube Baker.
HARRY: Baker at the plate. He's 0 for...
I don't know. Who cares?
The pitch.
Baker swings and sends a real screamer towards short.
- Eh, Rapp up with it, fires to first. UMPIRE: Safe!
HARRY: Mmm... - Safe!
Baker beats it with a head-first slide.
[♪♪♪]
So the Indians have a runner.
I think I'll wet my pants.
Way to hustle, Rube!
Let me run for him.
You sure?
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
HARRY: And Taylor is gonna send in Hayes to run.
Thanks. Thanks, dude.
HARRY: Went to see his movie, but it was only out for two and a half hours.
I was told, however, that it was in focus.
Hayes getting his lead.
Canatella checks him.
[♪♪♪]
And Hayes is going.
Here's the throw. He slides.
He's safe.
Yes.
Yeah.
HARRY: So Hayes steals second.
Glad to see he remembered where it was.
[♪♪♪]
Hayes out to a good lead at second.
Canatella comes set.
Pick-off play. Hayes takes off.
He's going for third.
- Safe! HARRY: He's in there.
Yeah, baby!
HARRY: Hayes is beginning to look like the player of old
and the Indians have something going here.
Canatella up on the rubber again as Hayes gets a walking lead.
Canatella winds. Hayes is gonna steal home.
He's safe.
WILLIE: Yeah, baby.
HARRY: So Hayes has stolen three in a row to tie the game.
WILLIE: Get fired up, yeah.
HARRY: Mr. Larceny is back.
[♪♪♪]
[GROANING]
Jake, Cerrano wants to bat.
Okay. Get in there.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, Pedro. Hey, Willie.
ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: Now batting, number 13, Pedro Cerrano.
HARRY: Cerrano's gonna pinch-hit here.
And he's not taking any practice swings.
He's either ready to hit, or he's afraid he might kill some gnats.
Hey, Pedro, how you doing?
Shut up.
HARRY: Canatella delivers.
Cerrano swings, and it's a long drive to deep left field.
Way back. Packer to the wall.
This ball is...
gone!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
And the Indians finally win one.
Oh, well. It's only one win.
Even they can't lose them all.
Listen, Meg, I'm thinking of coming to L.A.
I don't know if Rick and I are good for each other right now.
The team is showing signs of life, but his ERA's over six
and he hasn't got a clue on how to get it back on track. It's depressing.
Ha. Serious with Vaughn?
He's a lot of fun, but I need someone with a little more class.
My shrink was sick.
Meg, I'll call you back.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Hey.
You know, Ricky,
breaking up with a girlfriend can be a very painful thing.
But it don't have to keep you down for long.
I mean, let me tell you something from my own personal experience.
I never had a regular girlfriend like you.
But I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule.
Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life.
But you know what happened the very next week?
What?
My mama died.
[SOBS]
Hell, after that, I didn't care no more about my balls hurting.
You see what I'm getting at?
[♪♪♪]
NIKKI: All right.
Who led the Confederate forces in the Battle of Gettysburg?
BOY: Ooh, me. - Wild Thing.
Can I talk to you for a second?
[STUDENTS WHISPERING]
Excuse me.
[STUDENTS WHISTLING AND GIGGLING]
What are you doing here?
I was wondering if you wanted to go out and get a pizza.
[GIGGLING CONTINUES]
I don't know. Um...
This is my last class, but...
Now?
RICK: I don't know, Nikki.
Nothing I try seems to work anymore.
Maybe you're working too hard on yourself.
You used to go out there and just let it rip.
"Here. Try and hit this."
You never used to worry about your arm or your career.
God, you didn't even know what a career was.
Now you're pitching like it's a job.
Yeah, I'm not sure I can get back to that. It seems like it was so long ago.
The worst time was when you brought the kids out.
- Aguilar lit me up like a Christmas tree. - Don't worry about that.
That ball wouldn't have been out of a lot of parks.
Name one.
Yellowstone?
Sorry.
Yellowstone.
Yeah.
Hey.
I know a guy who's got a bike.
[♪♪♪]
[TIRES SCREECHING AND RICK WHOOPING]
[NIKKI SCREAMS]
RICK: Yeah!
[♪♪♪]
NIKKI: I haven't been up here in a long time.
I hope not.
This was our spot.
Buddha, Jobu.
Jobu, Buddha.
Now, I don't want no trouble out of you two.
[♪♪♪]
RICK: Oh, shit.
He's out!
[RUBE YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
He's out!
Nice catch. Attaboy, Rube. All right.
[CROWD GASPS]
As general manager of this team,
I demand to know when I'm getting a start.
There's an old-timers' game coming up soon.
[♪♪♪]
MAN: He's going!
[CROWD CHEERING]
WILLIE: Racking them up, baby.
- He's out! - Yeah.
Yeah!
Mine, mine.
Run it out.
I got it.
MAN: Second base.
BASE UMPIRE: Safe!
MAN: Look out. Hey-- CROWD: Oh!
[TANAKA GRUNTS THEN CROWD GROANS]
[TANAKA YELLS THEN CROWD CHEERS]
This can't be happening.
Not again.
Go, go, go!
Out!
He's out!
RICK: Pedro! Yes!
[SIGHS]
Ha, ha!
[YELLS IN JAPANESE]
Yippee.
Hi.
I forgot to give you this.
I don't expect you to forgive me.
I was being silly and trying to get a laugh out of one of my friends.
I understand why you reacted the way you did.
I hope you don't think this is about trying to get you back.
Then what is this about?
General Cereals is throwing a party over at the Marriott Society Center,
- and they want you to come. - Really?
Mm-hm.
So?
Can you make it?
Probably not.
I didn't think so.
After what I did to you that day.
I messed up a great thing.
[♪♪♪]
Bye, Rick.
Tribe fans, we're one out away
from our second consecutive divisional title.
Rick Vaughn has gone 3 and 2 to Mel Koski.
Here's the pitch.
Ball four, and he walked him.
That's gonna bring the tying run to the plate for the Toronto Blue Jays.
A little excitement here at the end. I know I wouldn't have it any other way.
And I'm sure you folks feel the same.
Ha, ha. Oh, yes.
Time for the old Tribe to come unglued.
Vile Thing!
Mr. Choke Thing!
You make everything embarrassing!
You wanna finish this, or should I bring in Dalton?
JOHNNY: Hey, Mild Thing!
You were lucky last time! Cerrano saved your sorry ass!
No. My arm's tired.
HARRY: So Vaughn leaves, and Taylor will go to the bullpen.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I knew you'd wimp out, Mild Thing!
You got no heart!
And forget genitalia!
- You're a gelding, Vaughn! - Hey, shut up.
They had you fixed!
Dalton is done with his warm-up pitches, and Pierce steps in.
Here's Dalton's first offering. And Pierce hits it a ton.
Oh, no.
[CROWD GROANS]
[YELLS]
- Damn. - Yeah!
Somebody caught it.
And the Indians win the division.
[ALL CHEERING]
So what?
They'll blow it in the playoffs.
They will. They will. They'll blow it in the playoffs.
[YELLING]
Hey, man, what's wrong with you? I put in a lot of time on this stuff.
BOY: Hey, it's Vaughn.
Hey, Vaughn.
Hey, what's up? All right. Good to see everybody. How are you?
Whoa, easy on the fives.
Gotta protect the old pitching hand.
- It looks like we're back in the playoffs. ALL: Yeah!
And I know what loyal fans you are, so I brought you a box of balls.
- Hey, come on, lay off. RICK: I've signed each one.
If you give your ball to Nikki, I'll make sure the team signs.
Well, I gotta run. Nikki and I have a little function at the Marriott.
I guess I'll see you at the ballpark.
Enjoy those. Shall we?
What a puke-head.
He didn't even have no cake.
Hey, Rick.
- Why don't you go without me? - What are you talking about? Come on.
These kids look up to you. They're where you used to be.
You're a hero to them. It'd be the biggest thing in their year
if you hung out with them.
Unfortunately, you think some party's more important.
I guess I can go back in for a couple of minutes.
Don't insult their intelligence.
They don't wanna hang out with some jerk that I had to drag back in there.
[♪♪♪]
Just leave.
- Nikki-- - Go.
Okay. Fine.
Hey, Rick?
This party...
did she invite you?
Yeah.
It's just a business thing.
Goodbye, Rick.
Well, it's a shame you have to go back in now.
It's a routine bypass. I put it off as long as I could.
At least you can watch the games on the tube.
Wrong. Doctor told me he'll put the TV
on public broadcasting and lose the channel changer.
He thinks baseball's bad for my health.
But I came up with plan B.
Got me a little transistor radio with an earplug.
[LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Bottom of the ninth, game one, American League Championship Series.
Hayes leads away from third.
Bucek with the sign, and now into the windup.
Hayes is coming.
Baker with a suicide squeeze.
Bucek up with the ball. Hayes doesn't touch the plate!
UMPIRE: He's safe! HARRY: And Hayes finally scores.
- Yeah. WILLIE: Yeah.
[GRUNTS]
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God.
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- You ready? - Yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah. Feel good.
- Okay. Go get them. - Okay.
MAN: Do you have any queens?
RUBE: Go fish.
You gonna say anything to them?
No. They look nice and relaxed, right where they should be.
RACHEL: Yoo-hoo!
Hello, team.
I know. You all hate me.
ALL: Uh-huh.
And given what's happened in the past, I can't say I blame you.
But I wanted to say one thing to you before you take the field tonight.
Heh. Believe it or not, I'm proud of every one of you.
Willie, the all-out effort you've given recently
has been an inspiration to us all
and proves that you've put that one-for-18 performance
in last year's ALCS far behind you.
And, Pedro. Oh, ho, ho.
Bashing the ball like the Cerrano of old.
No way you won't improve on the.138
you're hitting against Chicago with runners in scoring position.
[LAUGHS]
And, Vaughn.
Oh, you've had a really tough year.
Even though your fastball isn't what it used to be,
there's no one the fans in Cleveland would rather have
pitching the most important game in Indians history than you.
The champagne is ready.
It's all in your hands.
Win tonight and the loser label is gone forever.
Go out there and win it for Cleveland, win it for yourselves.
And win it for me.
That ought to shrink their little sphincters.
[SIGHS]
HARRY: Bottom of the ninth here in the Windy City.
The Tribe clinging to a 6-to-4 lead, one out away from winning
the American League Championship Series
for the first time in club history. Vaughn, trying to close it out,
has taken Jack Parkman to a full count with two men on.
Baker with a sign.
Vaughn shakes him off.
He's afraid of his fastball.
He's screwed.
You're screwed, Vaughn.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
HARRY: Vaughn's got the one he wants now.
WOMAN: Pitch it! HARRY: And here's the pitch.
Parkman swings and pulverizes one to deep center field.
This ball has "bye, bye" written all over it.
And the White Sox win, 7 to 6.
[♪♪♪]
MAN: All right, big Jack!
UMPIRE: Strike!
[CROWD GROANS]
RUBE: Home!
Safe.
UMPIRE: Strike three. PARKMAN: Sayonara.
[GRUNTING]
Don't let it get you down, Rube. It was just one throw.
Yeah, I know, but it got me thinking.
Even Playboy's not working anymore.
Don't worry, Rube. We'll come up with something.
Now, why don't you grab yourself a shower, okay?
[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, Skip.
- You got a minute? - Sure. Come on in.
What's up?
You know, Rick, I may have to use you tomorrow in the late innings.
Pitching staff's pretty overworked.
Yeah, so? I'll be ready.
Ready, huh?
Ready to what? Run and hide if the game's on the line?
I don't get it, Jake.
What's your problem?
You're the problem.
You used to be the toughest guy on this team.
Now you're trying to prop yourself up with the right woman or the right shrink.
You wanna be a major league pitcher?
You have to find something in yourself that's yours and nobody else's.
You had that once, Rick.
If I were you, I'd spend the rest of the night trying to find it again.
Without it, you're no good to me or the team.
[♪♪♪]
What an asshole.
What an amazing asshole.
I thought he was my friend.
Why is everybody so threatened by me improving myself?
What an asshole.
- Hey, you're looking good, Lou. - Forget about me. I'm fine.
You got to talk to the team, Jake. Give them hell.
Let them know they're too damn good to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, will do, Skip. And, uh, hey...
we'll win this one for you.
- Hey. Hey, Taylor. - Hm?
Promise me one thing.
- Sure. What? - When you talk to the team,
don't give them one of them corny let's-win-one-for-Lou speeches.
I couldn't stand that.
Ha.
Yeah, promise.
Give them hell tonight, Schoupie.
Look alive there, Pedro.
Rube, I want you to give this catalog a try.
- I think you'll like the writing. - Thanks.
Frederick's of Hollywood?
All right, everybody listen up.
I didn't wanna have to tell you this...
but Lou's going under the knife tomorrow.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
JAKE: Yeah.
He's not doing so good.
Doctor told me he might not make it at all.
As a matter of fact,
there's a good chance that this game tonight
might be his last experience on this Earth.
He had a hard time talking.
But he did say this.
"Win this one for me.
I might as well have a little taste of heaven now
just in case I'm not headed there."
Hell. When a man's lights are about to go out,
the fat lady can't sing if it's not over!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Let's go! - Come on!
- Come on. - Let's go.
Come on.
- Let's go. - Come on.
You okay, Pedro?
That was beautiful, man.
It made me realize there are more important things in life than baseball.
I love you, man.
Oh, no.
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHEERING]
HARRY: How you doing, everybody?
Harry Doyle here welcoming all you fanatic featherheads
to the American League Championship Series.
Where tonight, the comeback kids of the Cuyahoga
will begin their quest toward a World Series berth
for the first time since 1954.
Out to spoil the fun are those pale hosers from the Windy City
who squeaked by the Tribe a year ago in the playoffs
and lucked out again in the World Series.
What else can you say about these White Sox except
at least they're not from Canada.
Guys, after tonight, we'll be going to the World Series.
- Yes. - Yeah, in Chicago.
HARRY: Schoup ready for the opening pitch now.
Winds and fires to Termini. Swung on and missed.
And we're underway.
Oh, no.
HARRY: Baker threw the ball down to third.
I guess he felt Wilcox didn't get enough infield practice?
Anyway, Schoup ready again. Winds and comes to Termini.
High, and the count is even at one and one.
[CROWD BOOS]
MAN: What's he doing?
Son, you throw that ball down there again with nobody on,
you're gonna make me very unhappy.
JAKE: Come on, Baker!
Throw the damn ball!
The tulip lace bra has ruffled underwired cups,
creating a curvier you, for evening's bare neckline.
Whoo! Yeah!
HARRY: So Baker finally gets one back to the pitcher.
Matching crotch-less panties are also available.
[CROWD CHEERING]
HARRY: Bottom of the first, two down, Dowling in scoring position at second.
Bucek comes set, fires to Cerrano.
Swung on and popped up. And that'll do it.
Bottom of the third, still nothing-nothing.
Tanaka at the plate as Baker leads away from second.
Bucek into the stretch, delivers.
Tanaka swings and lines a base hit to left field.
Baker around third. They're waving him home. Belmonti up.
WILCOX: Get down! HARRY: Baker dives.
RUBE: Oh, shoot.
HARRY: He scores!
And the Indians lead, 1 to 0.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, shut up. It's only one run.
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Top of the fourth as Parkman leads away from first.
Beck from second.
Schoup comes to the stretch.
MAN: Come on, Schoup.
HARRY: Delivers to Shaw.
There's a swing and a drive to deep right field.
It's off the fence.
Cerrano up with it.
Beck's gonna score.
Here comes Parkman around third.
The relay from Miller.
They've got Parkman nailed.
[PANTING]
[GRUNTS]
HARRY: The ball comes loose.
[GROANING]
And the White Sox take the lead, 2 to 1.
Welcome to the big leagues, hay seed.
[GROANS]
Don't stand on the tracks when the train's coming through.
HARRY: Bottom of the fourth. Cerrano swings.
UMPIRE: Strike three. You're out. HARRY: Misses and strikes out again.
He's a good pitch.
Top of the fifth, Sox threatening again here.
Bases loaded, two outs, three and two on Dawson.
Schoup has to throw a strike.
[♪♪♪]
The runners will be moving on the pitch.
Here it is. And Dawson drives one to deep center.
This is trouble. Way back toward the wall.
Hayes racing.
Still going at the track.
He's got it!
Not this time.
[CROWD CHEERS]
And the Indians dodge a three-run bullet.
What a catch by Hayes.
Two down, bottom of the fifth, 2 and 1 on Hayes,
trying to pick up Miller from third.
Hey, Black Hammer. Read some of your reviews, man.
One guy said, "Willie Mays Hayes couldn't play dead." Ha-ha-ha.
HARRY: Bucek, the big Chicago left-hander, winds, fires...
High. Ball three to Hayes.
PARKMAN: He also said the stunts were a joke.
You do your own stunts, or were you afraid of getting hurt?
If I get the chance to score, we'll see who's afraid.
- I don't intend to slide. - You don't?
You better. Just because your movie bombed
doesn't mean you have to commit suicide.
HARRY: Hayes waits for the 3-0 delivery.
Low. Ball four.
- I'll be home soon, honey. - I'll be waiting, sweetheart.
HARRY: So Bucek walks Hayes, putting runners at the corners
as Baker comes to the plate with the Indians still trailing, 2 to 1.
That little sheep back home probably misses you, huh, Rube?
[IMITATES SHEEP]
HARRY: The runners take their leads.
Bucek checks, comes to the plate.
Baker swings and lines a drive to the left field corner.
It's off the wall.
Belmonti up with it. Miller scores.
Hayes flying around third. Here comes the throw.
Come on!
[GROWLS]
WILLIE: Sucker!
HARRY: Hayes scores.
And the Indians lead, 3 to 2.
[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]
I told you I wasn't gonna slide.
- You got a long way to go, pecker head. - That's Mr. Pecker Head to you, pal. Ah!
Yeah, baby.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Ha, ha! Now we're starting to roll, boys.
Are you all right?
Oh, yeah. I love this British stuff.
General Spenser-Ewell was a patient of your Uncle Richard's.
Arthur and I dined...
Top of the seventh, 3-2 Indians.
But the White Sox have runners at the corners.
Schoup is two and one to Parkman.
Parkman doing his little shimmy.
It makes the women here in Cleveland puke.
MAN: All right, Schoup.
HARRY: Schoup delivers.
Parkman swings and hammers a long drive to deep left center field.
Back goes Hayes, way back. It's gone.
Damn.
[CROWD BOOS]
Yes, yes. Parkman, you stud.
HARRY: And Parkman puts the Sox back on top, 5 to 3.
[BOOING CONTINUES]
You scumbag bum. Sit down!
See? I told you.
Bring out the tarp. Cover the field.
I can't watch this anymore.
It's over.
Turn the lights out.
Let's get the bulldozers in here and turn this place into a parking lot.
PLAYER 1: All right. PLAYER 2: Let's go.
WOMAN [ON TV]: That his elderly mother...
This is tragic stuff.
HARRY: Bottom of the eighth, two down, Campbell at first.
The Indians trailing by two, down to their last four outs.
Taylor's gotta get something done
or he'll have the bottom of the order in the 9th.
[♪♪♪]
Dorn.
- Yeah? - This guy.
- He used to pitch you inside, didn't he? - Yeah.
Get a bat and step into one.
- What? - Let him hit you. I need another runner.
- Are you crazy? - It's only way you'll get in the game.
Come on, Roger, take one for the team.
- Oh. RICK: Come on, Rog.
- It's not my bat. - Get in there.
- Let's go, Roger. - Attaboy.
And Taylor is sending up Roger Dorn?
Dorn is 0 for the century against this guy
but has several foul tips.
So Dorn inches in and gets ready to face Bucek.
Here's the pitch.
- Oh, God. CROWD: Oh!
Oh, and Dorn is hit right in the back.
- And the Indians catch a break. CROWD: Boo!
HARRY: They'll have runners at first and second
with Dorn representing the tying run.
Pinch runner.
No.
God, that hurts.
Markley, get in there and run for Dorn.
Uh-uh.
[SIGHS]
Dorn.
So Dorn gets his first hit of the season.
Although it doesn't look like he's ready to leave yet.
Dorn.
HARRY: Taylor may have to call the cops.
Dorn!
[WHIMPERS]
MAN: All right, Dorn.
Nice game.
HARRY: Well, Dorn finally leaves after putting on
a very impressive exhibition of stretching.
And that brings up the potential go-ahead run
in the person of Pedro Cerrano.
Pedro's left a small village on the base paths tonight.
Parkman, my good friend, how you doing?
Look at the scoreboard, Buddha. I'm doing fine.
CROWD [CHANTING]: Pedro, Pedro!
Pedro, Pedro! Pedro!
HARRY: Bucek's set at the belt.
Delivers. Swung on and missed.
And Cerrano is down a strike.
This guy is not messing around.
He's going right after Pedro.
From the stretch. He's ready.
- Fires. - Strike.
Whoa, that had some quickness.
HARRY: So two straight heaters, and Cerrano is down to his last strike.
[PLAYERS CHANTING AND MARBLES RATTLING]
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, you guys.
HARRY: Cerrano back in the box.
That last pitch, man.
That was beautiful.
HARRY: Bucek has his sign and comes set.
Here's the pitch to Cerrano.
He swings and drives one into deep left center.
Way back. Going, going,
gone to the upper deck!
Yes.
Not as beautiful as that, though. Ha-ha-ha!
[CROWD CHEERS]
Way to go, Pedro. Big knock, baby. Big knock.
HARRY: And the Indians lead, 6 to 5.
Look at that scoreboard now, grasshopper.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- What a shot. - Three more outs, we go to the Series.
So what? They'll blow it in the ninth.
- Hey! - I'm sick of you. What are you--?
JOHNNY: You jerk-offs!
HARRY: We're in the ninth. Two down, two and one to Termini.
Once again, the Indians one out away
from the American League Championship. Here's the pitch.
Ball three.
And Schoup is now only one pitch away from putting the go-ahead run on.
You gotta love this kind of excitement, don't you, Monte?
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Here's the pitch.
Ball four.
And the Sox have two aboard with Beck coming up
who already has a two-run double tonight.
Come on.
RUBE: Time. - Time!
You ain't got nobody left, Taylor!
You're Old Mother Hubbard and only bones in the cupboard!
- Good job. - Thanks.
Outstanding game, Schoupie. You fought them all the way.
Can't believe I walked that Punch-and-Judy hitter.
We'll get them for you.
Give me Vaughn.
You mean Rick Vaughn?
Yeah.
He's pitching to Beck, not Parkman.
He wants the righty!
The Vile Thing!
The Grab-Your-Throat- and-Choke Thing!
RICK: Blow it out your ass, lard-mouth.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God. It's him.
Crank it, Jerry.
[X'S "WILD THING" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, no.
Not that goddamn song again.
The bad seed is back!
It's Wild Thing! Aah!
ALL: ♪ Wild Thing ♪
♪ You make my heart sing ♪
♪ You make everything groovy ♪
♪ Come on, Wild Thing ♪
Hey, hey! Yeah! Whoo!
Nice look. Welcome back, Vaughn.
Good to be back.
Okay. Now, Beck likes them on the outer half, so jam him.
I want Parkman.
JAKE: Parkman's not up. Beck's the hitter.
- I'll walk him. - And load the bases for Parkman?
- What are you, nuts? - I want Parkman.
CROWD: ♪ Wild thing ♪
All right. Go get him, Rick.
♪ You make everything groovy ♪♪
Hey, when the tough get going, the going get tough.
[CROWD CHEERING]
JOHNNY: Okay, Ricky, baby.
Time for some serious cheese!
The Roquefort rocket!
The brie bullet!
The parmesan pellet!
Yeah!
HARRY: So in a surprise move, Vaughn is on the pitch here.
Ball one!
HARRY: They'll walk Beck to get to Parkman.
Obviously, Taylor's thinking...
I don't know what the hell he's thinking.
New haircut, same dead arm.
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: And there's ball four, and Beck trots to first.
So they're loaded for Jack Parkman
who's hitting just over.900 against Vaughn.
Parkman homered the last time he faced him.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting, number 15, Jack Parkman.
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHEERING]
You wanted him, you got him, man.
Okay, Rick. Let's get nasty.
HARRY: Vaughn looking for the sign.
And he's got it.
Swung on and missed. Strike one. And he had something on that baby.
Ooh.
Boy's pumped up.
Looks like I'm gonna have to get serious.
HARRY: Vaughn back on the slab.
Baker gives him the sign.
Vaughn ready, and here it comes.
Swung on and foul to the screen.
And Parkman wasn't fooled on that one.
Oh, he just missed it.
PARKMAN: I got your timing now.
I bet you don't have enough hair on your ass to throw another one.
RICK: Well, here it comes, Parkman.
Old number one, the Terminator.
You get a piece of it, you can rename it.
Blow this chump away.
Stay with the smoke, Rick. Just go after him.
Mr. Parkman, you're a great ball player,
and I'd just like to say you're standing on the tracks,
and the train's coming through, butt head.
[SCOFFS]
RUBE: To hell with the signals.
Bring it here, Ricky.
So Vaughn is nothing and two to Parkman.
Swung on and missed.
[CROWD CHEERING]
And the Indians win it. It's all over.
The Indians win it!
[♪♪♪]
Shit. Son of a bitch.
Damn, I gotta get out of this business. Oh!
Attaboy, Rick. I knew you could do it.
- Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown, calm down. - I knew you could do it. Yeah.
I love this shit, and I may move to England. Ah!
I told you we'd win!
I told you in spring training we'd win!
Yeah!
Indians!
[♪♪♪]
- Yeah! - Yeah!
PEDRO: We're going to the World Series now.
[CHEERING]
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah!
[YELLS]
There is no God.
Yeah!
We did it. We did it.
- We did it. - What's up? Bring it here, baby.
RICK: Yeah. All right. Thank you. Thanks.
You were so wonderful out there, Rick.
The General Cereals reps are here.
Great game. We'd like to offer you a three-year--
I'm sorry. You got the wrong guy. I'm sure you make a great cereal.
But I like my hair the way it is. And I don't get up in time to eat breakfast.
Rick, what are you saying?
You're a great gal, Flannery, much too good for me.
Take a hike.
Nikki, hold it.
Nikki, look, I know I was a jerk the other night, but I want to make it up to you.
Don't let him sweet talk you, Miss R.
I got World Series tickets for the kids, dugout boxes.
Take him back. I mean, I forgive him.
Thank you. I'm sure these guys will really be happy with the tickets.
[♪♪♪]
Congratulations.
Wait, Nikki. I want you to come out with me and celebrate.
For an hour.
A year. Whatever. Just come out with me.
All right. What do you say we start with an hour?
[STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN'S "THE HOUSE IS A ROCKIN" PLAYS]
♪ Well, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother, come on in ♪
♪ Kick off your shoes Start losin' the blues ♪
♪ 'Cause this old house Ain't got nothin' to lose ♪
♪ Seen it all for years, Start spreadin' the news ♪
♪ We got room on the floor, Come on, baby, shake some loose ♪
♪ Well, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother, come on in ♪
♪ Well, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother, come on in ♪
♪ Walkin' up the street You can hear the sound ♪
♪ Of some bad honky-tonkers Really layin' it down ♪
♪ They've seen it all for years And got nothin' to lose ♪
♪ So get out on the floor Shimmy 'til you shake some loose ♪
♪ Well, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house is a rockin', Don't bother, come on in ♪
♪ I said the house is a rockin', Don't bother, come on in ♪♪
[JIMMY VAUGHAN'S "BOOM BAPA BOOM" PLAYS]
♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
♪ At a glance I looked at you ♪
♪ Just as fast, I felt brand-new ♪
♪ Oh you, look at you ♪
♪ If I made a pass at you ♪
♪ Would you say That we were through? ♪
♪ Oh you, look at you ♪
♪ Oh, treat yourself right, Come with me, say I do ♪
♪ Singing whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
♪ Singing whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
- ♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪ - ♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
♪ Singing whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
- ♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪ - ♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪
- ♪ Whoa, Boom-Bapa-Boom ♪♪
[♪♪♪]