(BAD TO THE BONE PLAYING)
(GUNSHOTS)
Let's move out!
MAN: Get in front of that wall!
Follow me!
(GROANING)
My arm! I've been shot!
(GROANING)
Let me take a look at that.
Want me to show you a little trick?
Take your mind off that arm?
Give me your hand.
You may feel a little pressure.
(SCREAMING)
My finger! My finger!
Works every time.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You had better give up, Señor.
You cannot kill us all.
Nope, but I can clean your colon out quicker
than one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.
ALL: Ooh.
At ease, Payne.
Relax.
Do you know why you're here?
Sir, no, sir.
The promotion board report came out last week.
This is the new lieutenant colonel list.
Your name is not on it.
You get two chances to advance,
then we gotta show you the hatch.
Base admin is cutting your discharge orders right now.
General,
are you trying to tell me, in all this man's military,
there is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction?
The fighting is no longer done on the battlefields, Payne.
Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress.
Warriors like us are becoming dinosaurs.
There's gotta be somebody needs some killing.
I'm sorry, Major. There's no one left.
You've killed 'em all.
Good luck.
PAYNE: It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man,
and already I'm starting to get the itch.
Problem is, I ain't got nothing to scratch.
God, I'm hungry.
Hungry for action.
Hungry for blood.
Hell,
I'm just plain old hungry.
(CAT MEOWS)
(HISSES)
Feel I'm getting weaker
while Charlie's growing stronger in the jungle.
I can't lose my edge.
I gotta keep my strength up.
I gotta maintain discipline.
Because the hard reality was,
I gotta get a job.
And what better place
than somewhere that would allow me to employ my skills
as a trained killer.
Mr. Payne?
This is a dramatization of a domestic violence dispute.
You arrive on the scene to find a woman,
played by Miss Goodwin...
Hello, ma'am.
Claiming to have been assaulted by her husband,
played by Mr. Shipman.
Happy to meet you.
Same here.
Your objective is to effectively neutralize the situation.
Neutralize.
Begin.
(CRYING)
He hit me!
You like to beat women?
Officer...
You'll never hit her again.
Hear me? Hear me? Huh? I can't...
(GRUNTING)
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
Payne, what happened? You've only been out one week.
It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.
Listen, I made some calls, and I got an assignment for you.
It's not great, you understand,
but it gets you back in the military.
PAYNE: So after two and a half weeks
of living a civilian puke's existence,
I was back in uniform.
Back in the Corps.
Back to the sweet smell of mustard gas
and killing.
Little did I know what awaited for me.
I've toured 11 separate engagements from Iraq to Haiti,
but nothing I did would prepare me for this newest assignment.
I was told it would be my greatest challenge.
It was sure to be a living hell.
DR. PHILLIPS: (ON PA) The glee club will be meeting at 3:30.
(BELL RINGING)
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
Will the teachers please report to the quad for the science fair judging.
EMILY: Tiger? Tiger, come back here! I'm not gonna chase you!
(GROANS)
(SNARLS)
What you running from, boy?
She's trying to give me a shot.
You don't like needles?
Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that pain?
Here, give me your hand.
Now you may feel a little bit of pressure.
Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the school counselor.
You must be Major Payne.
That's a mighty fine handshake you got there.
(CHUCKLES)
You wanna wrestle?
No, thanks.
I wrestle with these kids all day.
This one's usually my big helper.
Come on, Tiger.
Nice meeting you, Major.
Nice meeting you, Miss ma'am.
Tiger!
Tiger, come back here!
I'm not gonna chase you.
Mmm.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
DR. PHILLIPS: Come in.
Major Payne reporting for duty, sir.
What?
Major Payne, the new commandant.
Oh, right.
You're in charge of the green boys.
Come again?
The green boys.
They wear those green things.
You know, it's funny. When they stand in front of bushes, I can't see them.
(BUZZING STOPS)
Why are you here?
The ROTC program.
I understand you've been placing last
eight years running in the Virginia Military Games.
I am here to remedy that.
We have an ROTC program?
The green boys, sir.
Oh, right.
Between us, I don't care what you do with those boys,
as long as you keep them out of my hair.
Is that all?
Oh, would you like a tour of the campus?
No, I'd like to see my men.
Fall in! Move it, you idiots! Let's go!
Come on, Williams! Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy!
(SCREAMS)
Fall in, everyone! Fall in! Let's go!
Come on, people! Move!
Hustle, hustle, hustle! Let's go. Giddyup!
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, giddyup. Let's go!
Sir, the squad is formed, sir!
Carry on.
My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne.
As of 0800,
I am replacing Major Frankfurt
as your commanding officer.
(ALL BOOING)
(GUNSHOTS)
See now, what we have here
is a failure to communicate.
Do not attempt
to challenge my authority.
I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots
into a well-disciplined cadet unit.
From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me.
You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose
or even dig in your butts without my say-so!
Know this.
Killing is my business, ladies,
and business is good.
Boo-hoo.
What?
I have to go to the bathroom.
You hold it, turd.
I can't!
I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground.
Now be advised, ladies.
We are going to win the Virginia Military Games.
(MOANING) I said win.
Whiskey, Indian, November.
Get used to the sound of that word!
Major Payne!
What, boy? What? What? What?
I did something bad.
You nasty little worm.
(CRYING) Go change your Huggies, boy, and be back here pronto!
Stop that crying.
You'll get no pity from me.
You think your tears will stop Charlie from taking his bayonet
and sticking it in your little tiny heart?
PAYNE: What the hell was that, you little freckle-faced cartoon?
Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?
No, sir.
Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd.
Otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry.
I see we have a sickly boy on our hands.
Well, we're gonna have to boost your immune system, son.
Drop down. Give me 25 pushups now.
Count 'em out!
One, sir.
(SNICKERING) Two, sir.
(SNORTS)
(MIMICKING SNORT)
What are you laughing at, pig boy?
You find a piece of candy in your pocket?
No, sir.
What's your name, tubby?
Heathcoat, sir.
Heathcoat.
You know, you remind me of the Doughboy.
If I poke your stomach, will it make you go...
(GIGGLES)
You know what? I'm gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon boy.
Drop down, give me 30 sit-ups right now! Let's go!
Count 'em out. Let me see that belly roll.
(GROANING) One, tubby, tubby.
One, sir. Come on, pork chop.
Two, chubby, chubby. Two, sir.
(WHOOPS)
You is a pure genius.
Who are you? Redd Foxx?
No, better yet, you Richard Pryor, ain't you?
What's your name, girlfriend?
Dwight Williams, but my boys call me D. So you can call me D.
D, huh? Yeah, brother.
You like the way I handle these white boys, D?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.
It make you feel good to see a black man running things, huh?
Malcolm X.
Well, let me tell you something, D.
Yeah, brother? Why don't you come closer.
I am not your damn brother!
Now drop down and give me 20 squat thrusts now!
WILLIAMS: One, sir.
What are you looking at, ass eyes?
Nothing, sir!
You plotting on me, boy?
No, sir!
Well, let me tell you something, ass eyes.
Let me tell you all something.
War has made me very paranoid!
And when a man gets to eyeballing me,
it makes my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill!
Do you understand me?
Sir, yes, sir!
Do you all understand me?
ALL: Sir, yes, sir!
I can't hear you.
ALL: Sir, yes, sir!
And what is your damage, muscle head?
You stupid, you ignorant or you just plain old deaf?
Yes, sir. Actually, he is deaf.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Now drop down, give me 25 more for speaking out of line!
WULIGER: One, sir.
I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man.
I didn't mean to offend you.
Do you speak sign language?
Can you read lips? Let me break it down.
If you don't answer me when I speak to you,
I'm gonna put my foot in your ass!
Is that clear, dummy?
Sir, yes, sir.
(STONE WHOOPING)
Hold on, guys. Wait up.
Wait.
Hey, guys! Don't start without me!
Come on! Wait! Hold on.
Coming.
Hello, gorgeous. Welcome to my party.
You know, you're out of uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli.
Yeah, well, I like this look better, General.
Admiral. Whatever.
It's Major, boy.
Ooh. Looks like we got another major on our hands here, guys.
ALL: Oh, major! Oh, major!
What's your name, girlie mouth?
Cadet Alex Stone, sir!
Yes, sir. Hey, ho, sir.
Well, I'm glad to see you've got a sense of humor.
So do I.
(CHUCKLES)
From now on, my little group of scrotum sacs,
you will strive to be like me.
You will walk like me,
talk like me,
and until you win those Games,
you will be bald like me.
Way to go this time, Alex.
Dotson, take these men for two hours of PT!
Yes, sir!
First exercise will be the side-straddle hop!
(ALL MOANING)
Squad, ready. Exercise!
One, two, three.
Come on, bacon boy! Come on!
DOTSON: Command, one!
STONE: Hey, Dotson, why don't you just sit down and shut up.
I'm writing you up, buddy!
That's it. No more of this!
Quit it, Dotson. You're scaring me!
Hello, Miss Walburn.
Major Payne, could you please help me to understand
why you shaved the children bald?
Oh, that's my little incentive program.
These boys have to earn their due.
Their hairdo, that is.
(CHUCKLES)
Do they have to earn their bathroom privileges, too?
What do you want, Mr. Pee-body?
Well, he's upset about this morning.
Apparently, he had a little accident.
Apparently, he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Well, maybe that's because he's six.
Maybe 'cause he's six.
Woman, when I was six years old, I had a fulltime job.
Well, I told him that you have something that you'd like to say to him.
(INAUDIBLE)
You think I owe you an apology?
Want me to take back some of those mean and hurtful little things I said?
Okay.
I'm sorry you're just a little turd
that can't hold your liquid out in public.
Now you get on out of my face before I pick you up and toss you out of that window.
(GASPS)
Major, have you ever done this kind of work before?
Woman,
under this here hat, I've trained 20,432
combat killing machines.
Well, that's just my point.
You see, now you're dealing with children,
and children have special needs.
Do you know what positive reinforcement means?
Is that anything like where you take a POW and you snap his neck
after you torture him so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?
Sort of.
I'd like to make a suggestion.
Why don't you and I become partners
in the emotional growth and development of these little ones?
What do you say?
Can you be my big helper and help me do that?
Yes.
Good.
Why do I feel like a jackass?
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
BOY 1: (LAUGHING) Look at that! Baldy!
BOY 2: Hey, your head's shaped like a bowling ball!
Nazi fascist pig!
I know where I'm gonna shave him.
Damn Major Payne.
WILLIAMS: I didn't want you to be my damn brother in the first place.
WULIGER: Most of the body heat travels through the head, you know.
It means I'm gonna be colder, and I get sick.
And if I'm sick, I'm gonna start throwing up...
WILLIAMS: Man, that damn Payne's already starting to get on my nerves.
Turd this, turd that. Who does he think he is?
Just shut up.
You telling me to shut up?
Why don't you shut your damn mouth
and stop eating all that damn candy, you fat pig.
I look like Curly from The Three Stooges.
Did I say you could touch my bed?
No.
Then get off.
Ow!
Payne's gonna kill us.
You know I have a heart condition.
I'm not sure he's familiar with my medical history.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Come on!
Move it! Saddle up that horsey and ride!
You ever hear of knocking, Dotson?
You won't have to worry about that anymore.
I have good news for you assholes.
Pack your bedding, your kit and your clothes! Let's go!
Where to?
Hello, cue balls. Welcome to the House of Payne.
(THUNDERING)
You gotta be joking.
A squad that lives together, wins together.
Unity, turds.
That is the key word in "unit" without the Y.
Tiger, Leland, you will reside at the ROTC building.
The rest of you garbage, grab a rack and settle in.
Let's move out.
You eyeball me again, I'll snatch it out
and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag.
It's so damp. What about my allergies?
You know how far we are from the kitchen?
TIGER: Why can't I stay here with the rest of these guys? Shut up.
PAYNE: 'Cause I said so, turd.
Major Payne, sir.
What?
Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this place is unacceptable,
sir.
(ALL MUTTERING)
Really?
PAYNE: (SINGING) Love my barracks night and day
ALL: (SINGING) Love my barracks night and day
Won't complain That's where I'll stay
Good plan this time, Alex.
Why don't you shut up?
All right, my little patch of Brussels sprouts.
Uproot yourselves, climb out the pool and get some rest.
You're gonna need it.
Tomorrow, ladies, we gonna start the hard stuff.
The hard stuff?
PAYNE: Let's move it, you turds!
You'll get no sympathy from me!
You want sympathy, look in the dictionary
between "shit" and "syphilis!"
That's where you'll find my sympathy!
This ain't no walk in the park!
Let's move it! Hustle, hustle!
Hey, Dumbo!
You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy!
Yeah, Dumbo! Fly, baby, fly!
Hey, Williams!
You tell Marlee Matlin's son,
if he don't get across that rope, I'm gonna hang him with it!
He'll hang you with it!
(LAUGHS)
Heathcoat!
You get your fat body over that wall!
Take your fat pork chop body over that...
You shut up.
Nobody's leaving here until the average for this squad is one minute, 20 seconds!
Come on, he can't do it.
Leave him alone. I can barely do it.
It's slippery out here.
Slippery, he say.
You think Charlie care anything about slippery?
Only thing he knows is slit your throat.
What if this was a life-or-death situation?
But it's not a life-or-death situation.
It is now.
(ALL SCREAMING)
One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
STONE: Come on, guys! What are you, crazy?
It's just a dummy grenade.
Damn!
Who's the dummy now?
STONE: So what is it, exactly?
Concentrated dithiazanine.
What the hell is that?
It's like a super laxative.
This here will pack enough punch to take out an entire football team.
Payne will never get off the can.
He'll be making beef stool till graduation.
HEATHCOAT: Yeah. Nice.
Payne will never know what hit him.
(EXCLAIMS)
Major Payne, sir?
You see I'm eating, turd?
There's a call for you, sir.
He's coming! He's coming!
(EXCLAIMING)
(STOMACH GURGLES)
(GURGLES)
Hmm.
(FARTS)
PAYNE: Ready on the right!
WILLIAMS: Damn, G. He nearly put you in a coma.
Ready on the left!
It can't be legal the way he's been treating us.
Ready on the firing range!
Turds, commence firing! Let's just tell Phillips.
(GUNSHOTS) No, no. That senile old fool ain't gonna help us.
What the hell is that? What kind of shooting is that?
Hey! Hey, dummy!
What's the matter? You can't see, either?
We gotta get rid of that son of a bitch.
PAYNE: You gaggle of maggots couldn't hit a bull in the ass
with a baseball bat!
Listen, we're gonna have to prove that Payne did something so vile,
so perverse,
so disgusting
that Phillips will have no choice but to fire him.
Like what?
Why me?
Because you have got the biggest tits.
(ALL GUFFAWING)
(SHUSHING)
Why not Wuliger?
'Cause Wuliger's gotta take the pictures.
(SNORING)
Look, it's been four hours. He hasn't blinked.
I'm telling you, these Special Forces guys
can sleep with their eyes open.
Trust me.
What happened to the other dress?
This one's prettier.
(SNICKERS) Shut up, Bryan!
Shh! Come on.
Williams, go.
WILLIAMS: Man, you sure about this? He looks awake to me.
No, I checked on that.
STONE: Watch this.
Yo, turd sniffer. Maggot face.
See? He's dead to the world.
Let's go.
(SOFTLY) Get in.
Can't I just stand beside the bed?
Get in.
STONE: Get in.
All right, now put your head on his shoulder.
Are you crazy?
Do it.
Closer.
Now put your arm around him.
Good. Now hold it.
Hold it. Okay.
Hello, Betty.
(SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
PAYNE: (SINGING) Got no worry Got no stress
CADETS: (SINGING) Got no worry Got no stress
'Cause we feel good in our dress
Major Payne's a major dis
Makes us squat when we piss
He makes us squat when we piss
Got no worries Got no care
(LAUGHING) Got no worries Got no care
I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair
Used to be Samson Now I'm Ann
Gotta earn my right to be called a man
I'll tell you, ladies, you're the purtiest unit ever underneath my command!
Maybe I'll have to change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne!
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLING)
EMILY: Major!
What are the boys doing in those dresses?
They putting on a fashion show.
I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement.
Weren't you going to be my big helper?
Yeah, but they started it.
Well, I'm stopping it.
Don't touch my whistle.
But I was just gonna...
Don't touch the whistle.
All right, ladies!
Take off those dresses. Head to your barracks.
Fold 'em up neatly.
Let's move it.
BOY: You should shave your legs more.
Shut up!
Good day, Miss Walburn.
Do you really think that this approach
is the best way to gain the trust of these boys?
They may not like me, but they will respect me.
Let me be more direct.
They hate you.
Good. It'll draw them close together, make 'em a team.
That's a very cynical plan.
Yeah, but it won't backfire.
Here.
I would like you to consider an alternative approach.
I want you to have this book.
Read it. Apply it.
The ABC's of the Loving Male Role Model.
I don't need your book.
Take it. I don't want it.
Please, Major?
Okay.
(GROANS)
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Shut up.
All right, I got a sure-fire plan
to get rid of that son of a bitch.
What is it? What? What?
It's gonna cost us.
How much you got? 20.
I got 25.
Put me down for 40.
All right, Dotson! Yeah!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Okay. All right. All right.
We're taking out Payne tomorrow!
ALL: Yeah!
"Love is the key"
"to understanding."
"The Three Bees."
"Bee a good listener."
"Bee sensitive to their needs."
Oh, hello, Miss Walburn.
I just came by to let you know
that Wuliger has a slight temperature,
so you might not want to torture him this evening.
I will be sensitive
to his needs.
Have you been reading the book?
Well, I might have glanced at it once or twice.
Oh, well, that's very good! I'm very proud of you, Major.
(GASPS) Oh, shucks.
It ain't hard being sensitive.
He's back! He's back!
Who's back?
The man who lives in my closet.
Oh, boy, get on out of here
with that "I'm scared of the dark" crap. Go on, now. Get!
Sensitive.
Sensitive. Sensitive.
Hello, there, fella. You know, what you're having,
it's called a nightmare.
Do you know what a nightmare is?
Well, that's all this is.
Why don't you run on back to your room
before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off.
(GASPS)
(CRYING)
Sensitive.
You call that being sensitive?
Let me give you a little history on Kevin Dunne.
Both of his parents are dead.
Car accident, 1989.
Lived in the Chelsea Orphanage till 1991
when the school adopted him.
I know all about it.
Well, then you should also know that the last thing he needs right now
is a sadistic father figure scaring the life out of him.
Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth
and let the boy grow up.
Excuse me? What did you say?
I didn't stutter.
I said pop your titty out his mouth
and stop babying him!
I don't call it babying. I call it nurturing.
And I call it neutering.
And I call you an insecure,
overbearing, psychopathic, dictatorial, egomaniacal,
frigid lunatic asshole!
I ain't frigid.
He's still there!
You wanna see nurturing?
He's in there?
(GASPING)
If he's still in there, he ain't happy.
What was that?
Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!
And if he's still in there, he ain't happy!
You run on back to bed.
That bad man ain't gonna bother you no more.
Thank you, Major.
I love you.
What's your angle, boy? You plotting on me?
No, sir!
Don't you know I could snap your neck in 20 different places?
Major, Major! It's okay!
He's just trying to show you some affection!
I don't like it.
Make me feel all funny.
(BOTH GASP)
Good night, Miss Walburn.
Good night, Major.
Where is he?
He better get here.
CADETS: Alex! Alex!
(HONKS)
WULIGER: Alex, did you do it?
How much did it cost?
Where were you? You really did it?
I did it. I did it. Sure.
Squad! Atten-hut.
Let's go, maggots. Follow my lead!
(SINGING) Payne's not here He's in our ass
Butt's so tight He can't pass gas
Sound off
One, two
Sound off Three, four
Break it on down
(WILLIAMS LAUGHING)
Break it on down...
You like to rhyme, boy?
What's your name? Bushwick Bill?
No, let me guess. You Snoop Diggety Dogg.
Turds, front leaning rest position. Move!
I'm going to teach you how I rhyme military style!
One.
Don't you feel dumb?
Two.
Look at you.
Three.
Don't you ever make no jokes about me behind my back.
Otherwise I stomp you in the ground!
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
All right, ladies...
Hey, Dunne. You missed all the fun.
(CHUCKLES) That's another rhyme.
PAYNE: All right, we're heading down to the field...
There he is.
For two hours of weapons drill.
Yo, Payne!
You Payne?
I got something to say to you.
Fee, fie, foe, fum.
What beanstalk you fall from?
You know, I heard you've been giving these boys a hard time.
In fact, I heard you couldn't cut it in a real man's military!
I heard that it's time for you to leave.
Yeah.
Know what I heard?
I heard your mother was so fat, she played pool with the planets.
Yes!
You thinking about leaving yet?
Well, actually, I think the party just begun.
(CHUCKLING)
Now, what I'm gonna do is take this right foot
and I'm gonna put it across the left side of your face.
Don't give me that Billy Jack bullshit!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(GASPING) You said you were gonna hit me in the face.
What, you calling me a liar?
Ooh!
Oh, children.
Somebody's gonna answer for this blood from my lip.
I want names.
I wanna know who's responsible.
Don't all run at once.
I guess nobody's responsible.
Guess I just had that one coming.
Well, you know what y'all got coming?
Seven 23-hour days full of fun and adventure.
I'm gonna make you boys strong.
Sir.
Yes, turd?
It was me, sir. I hired him.
Well, that's one death warrant signed.
Do I have any more volunteers?
What about you, brown nose?
I acted alone, sir.
The rest of the squad was unaware of my activities.
That's a pretty bold move there, Mr. Stone.
What do you think I ought to do with you?
I don't know, sir.
You don't know.
I guess you should probably expel me, sir.
What, and send you on a vacation?
Dotson.
Sir, yes, sir!
You are no longer the squad leader.
Stone, you are now cadet sergeant.
If these men win the Virginia Military Games,
it'll be because you have led them to a victory.
If they lose, it'll be because you failed them.
I don't accept that responsibility.
It's not negotiable.
If I'm the new squad leader, my first order is to screw you, sir!
What did you say to me, turd?
Why don't you go back to hell where you came from?
Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice
and a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm!
I will put my foot so far up your ass,
the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
Try it.
You want me gone, boy?
Yes, sir.
I said, do you want me gone, soldier?
Yes, sir!
Then you meet me outside the ROTC building at 2100 hours.
You ladies want me gone, you'll get your chance.
Where is the first-place trophy from the Virginia Military Games?
ALL: Wellington Academy, sir.
I want that trophy.
If you turds can bring me that trophy,
I will resign my command.
This is a black op, gentlemen.
If you are discovered, I will deny all knowledge,
and you will pay the price.
That is my deal.
Do you accept it?
Sir, yes, sir.
Then bring me my trophy.
STONE: All right, guys, this is it.
This is our big chance to get rid of Payne.
We got two miles to get to Wellington.
Now let's get it out of there as fast as we can.
Let's hustle. Move it! Let's go!
Go, go, go!
This is your last chance, Dotson.
What, you think I'm gonna come and help you make me look bad?
Anyway, I've called my dad.
I'm leaving this stupid school.
Bye. Have a good time.
Where you going?
I'm going on a black op.
No, no, no. You can't come. You're too little.
Why don't you stay back here and guard the base, okay?
(DOOR CLOSING)
(TIGER CRYING)
What's the matter with you, boy?
They won't let me go on no black op. They say I'm too little,
and no one ever lets you do anything when you're too little.
Ah, phooey.
What about all those stories about the little people that do big things?
Like Little Red Riding Hood, them three little pigs,
Spike Lee or them Little Rascals.
You ever hear the story about the Little Engine That Could?
Let me tell you that story.
Once upon a time,
deep, deep in the jungle,
there was a Little Engine That Could.
And he was chugging his way across the enemy line.
(CHUGGING)
Toot, toot.
This Little Engine's mission
was to take some AK-47s and a nuclear payload
over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion.
Needless to say, there was plenty opposition.
You think that stopped the Little Engine That Could?
No, siree, Bob. He just kept chugging along.
(PAYNE CHUGGING)
Toot, toot.
Not even when they climbed aboard the train
and popped out the eyes of the conductor,
and blood and snot was dripping out his eye sockets.
You think that stopped the Little Engine That Could?
Damn skippy. He just kept chugging along.
(CHUGGING)
Toot, toot.
It wasn't until Charlie rigged a bridge with plastic explosives
just as the Little Engine was making his way across the trestle.
Boom!
An explosion happened.
Blood and guts and spit and ass was everywhere.
And Bubba come crawling out the back door,
both legs missing.
Lula May's baby boy!
He look up at me. He said, "Payne!"
"I can't feel my legs."
I said, "Bubba, they ain't there."
And I looked down,
and them little bloody nubs was kicking real fast, like this here.
And I said, "Bubba, it's 30 miles to the nearest town.
"Unless you can flip upside down and walk on your hands,"
"you ain't gonna make it."
All of a sudden, Charlie was all over the place.
It was just me and my sidearm.
And I had no other alternative
but to blast my way out.
(SCREAMS)
"Die, pig! Die!"
"You'll never take Major Benson Winifred Payne alive!"
Bam! "I saw what you did to my friend!"
Bam! Bam! Major! Major! Major!
Bam! Bam!
Hello, Miss Walburn.
You just missed a little bedtime story.
No. I didn't, actually.
In fact, I'd love to talk to you about that story.
Perhaps over dinner?
Okay.
I'll go get ready.
Me too.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) All right. Bye.
To be continued.
When I come back, I'll tell you what Bubba used as a penis.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, ain't you gonna eat?
I think I'll wait a moment. My stomach's a little upset.
(CHUCKLES) Them some mighty fine vittles.
Wouldn't let 'em go to waste.
You know, I think you're really making some wonderful strides
with the way you're dealing with the children.
That was almost a really good thing you tried to do for Tiger tonight.
May I make a suggestion?
Proceed.
Well, your story, while colorful,
was a bit rough.
You mean the explosion?
Yes. And the eye-gouging part.
You need to loosen up.
Not everything can be about war.
What do you like to do for fun?
I like to hang upside down blindfolded,
and then I take my gun apart and I put it back together real fast
before my nose starts to bleed.
Well, that's great.
But is there anything that you like that doesn't have to do with battle?
Like what?
Like golf.
Negative.
Well, do you like to go to the movies?
Negative.
I don't suppose you dance.
I've been known to cut a little rug in my day.
Ain't you gonna dance?
Benson.
Benson,
nobody does the robot anymore.
Then I guess I gotta dig further into my repertoire.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHOOPING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Williams, you take these guys and fan out the left flank of the school. Go!
Got you.
Wuliger, you take these two and cover the right. Got it?
Got it. All right, come on!
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
Don't move.
(STUDENTS CLAMORING)
BOY 1: Madison is a loser.
(ALL CLAMORING)
BOY 2: Man, get in there.
PAYNE: All right? And then his chest cavity exploded.
Boom!
(CHUCKLES)
You know, that was the first time
I ever drove a man's nose up into his brain
causing instant death and simultaneous bowel evacuation.
But enough about me, woman. What's your story?
I'm surprised you ain't dropped about 12 puppies by now.
(CHUCKLES)
Ain't you never been married?
Yeah, I was.
What happened? You terminate his command?
No. Actually, he left.
I wanted children. He didn't.
Any man that would leave you ought to be monkey stomped
and have his brains mailed back to his mother.
(LAUGHS)
Well, thank you, Benson.
How about you?
Was there ever a Mrs. Payne?
Negative.
I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife,
they'd have issued me one.
(CHUCKLES)
Well,
I had a really nice time tonight, Benson.
Heck, being with you is almost better than cleaning my gun.
I got something for you.
Oh, what is it?
It's a bullet.
It's something special.
It's from my heart.
Really? Well, where'd you get it?
From my heart.
Left ventricle. I took it out myself with a field knife.
And I want you to have that.
Thank you, Benson.
Good night.
Good night, princess.
Wee, doggie!
(DOOR CLOSES)
(WHISTLING)
What the hell are you doing in my office?
(CHUCKLES) It was a trap.
You set us up.
I might have made a little anonymous call.
You didn't think they were just gonna hand it to you, did you?
We got the crap kicked out of us because of you.
Tonight wasn't about fair or unfair.
It was about achieving your objective.
Did you?
Did you even see that trophy?
Oh, I saw it.
And when you saw it, did you want it?
Yeah, to get rid of you.
That's not what I asked.
Did you want it?
I wanted it.
To own it?
Yeah.
Deserve it? Yeah.
To win it? Oh, yeah.
Then let's win it, you bruised-up turd!
If you really want it, I'll show you how to earn it.
DR. PHILLIPS: (ON PA) Welcome, parents, to Madison School.
For your convenience, we will be announcing activities throughout the day.
WULIGER: Hey, Heathcoat, your parents coming today?
HEATHCOAT: No, of course not.
WULIGER: How about you, Williams?
WILLIAMS: What, are you kidding? Shut up.
WULIGER: My parents said they'd come, but I said I got allergies...
What the hell happened to you?
Me? Nothing. I'm great.
Look at you, though.
Regular little soldier man.
You a hard ass now?
What are you doing here?
It's Parents Day, and I am your legal guardian.
You're drunk.
Don't you walk away from me.
Oh.
Give me a little salute.
I'm not gonna salute you.
You salute your superiors.
Or don't they teach that around here?
What superior?
They kicked you out, remember?
Don't you sass me like your mother.
You're mine now. I own you,
and you will respect me.
Now you salute me.
No.
You hit that boy again, I'm gonna do more than salute you.
This is between me and my son.
Stepson.
Whoever he is, he's on my time now.
Now I'm gonna ask you nicely.
Please return to your vehicle.
You go on now.
Go on back to your bunk, son.
Major Payne, sir.
Yeah.
I wanna get that trophy, sir.
Come again?
I wanna get that trophy, sir.
What, you want to steal it?
No, sir.
You want to win it?
I want to earn it, sir.
The rest of your men feel the same way?
Meet me on the parade ground, 1700 hours.
We got work to do.
Squad, atten-hut!
(RESPECT PLAYING)
(ALL YELLING)
(CHUCKLING)
(GRUNTING)
Two. Three.
Four. Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Forty inches breast to back.
(INAUDIBLE)
(WHISTLE SOUNDING)
Squad!
Atten-hut!
Present arms!
Order arms!
Left face!
Right face!
Parade rest!
You're still a shit sandwich.
You're just not a soggy one.
From now on, you are no longer turds.
You've graduated to maggots.
You're a family.
A team.
Let's win them Games.
Squad!
Atten-hut!
General on deck.
Major, I have news so good I've decided to deliver it personally.
America needs you.
There's a situation in Bosnia that requires your special services.
As of this moment,
you are reinstated in the United States Marines
at the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.
Thank you, sir.
Congratulations.
Your unit will be leaving out of Washington.
You will arrive tomorrow at 1600 for briefing.
Here are your tickets.
General, tomorrow are the Military Games, and I was hoping...
Games?
Payne, I fought to get you reinstated.
You wanted in. I got you in.
You don't take this, there won't be any more chances.
Sir, the Major will be there, sir.
Good man.
I'll see you in Washington.
Hey, hey, hey, Major.
Where you going?
Back to killing. You wanna come?
I didn't think so.
Go lead your men into victory.
Great. What happened to unity and family
and all that other bullshit that you taught us?
Hey, I never said families don't break up.
Don't you watch Oprah?
So it's true. You're just gonna leave.
You know, when they're through with you,
they're just gonna cut you loose again.
I asked to leave.
Them boys are making me soft.
Them boys need you.
All that hard work they did, they did for you.
They did it for themselves.
Benson.
Look, woman.
I toured 11 separate engagements.
I didn't do all that
to come back and be conquered by no woman and a bunch of kids.
What'd you really think I was gonna do, marry you?
Put up a white picket fence?
Adopt Tiger and become the loving male role model?
That's not me.
It's not Payne.
(I NEVER LOVED A MAN (THE WAY I LOVE YOU) PLAYING)
I can't believe he actually left.
Alex, where are you going?
To the Games.
You guys better start getting ready. We gotta be there in an hour.
We don't have to go to the Games. Payne's gone.
We don't have a chance without Payne.
Listen. Payne or no Payne,
I'm gonna go out there and win that stupid trophy.
We busted our asses off out there getting ready for this.
Now I didn't go through all that to come out empty-handed.
So how about it, guys?
Aren't you with me?
Sure, I guess. Yeah.
(IMITATING PAYNE) I can't hear you.
ALL: Sir, yes, sir!
Just a little bit louder now.
Sir, yes, sir!
One more time, you maggots.
Sir, yes, sir!
BRAGGART: (ON PA) Taggert, present arms.
Stapleton, present arms.
Wellington, present arms.
Madison, present arms.
Cadets, order arms.
Welcome, men, to Wellington Academy
for the 58th annual Junior ROTC Virginia Military Games.
This morning, you are all equal.
But by the end of the day today, we will honor the finest of you with a trophy,
the trophy of a champion.
Let the games begin.
Good shot, Williams. I got nothing to say to you.
All right, Fox. Good going.
Yes!
(CROWD CHEERING)
STONE: Come on, guys! Maggots, pull!
(ALL GRUNTING)
STONE: Go, Tiger! Go! Go!
(MAN LAUGHING)
MAN: I got you! I got you!
I got you now!
EMILY: Benson.
(INAUDIBLE)
(DOG BARKS)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
On your mark. Get set.
(GUN FIRES)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
One, sir. Two, sir.
Three, sir. Four, sir. Five, sir. Six, sir.
Seven, sir.
Four, sir. Five, sir. Six, sir...
STONE: Faster, Heathcoat. Over the wall. Go! Go!
Come on, Heathcoat! You can do it! I know you can!
Come on! Move it, Heathcoat. Move it! Move it!
Come on, come on! DOTSON: See you later, loser.
GIRL: Hurry up!
(COUGHING)
(GROANS)
Hey, he just tripped him!
BRAGGART: The winner of the relay race is Wellington Academy.
Second place, Madison Preparatory.
Third place, Stapleton.
Fourth place, Taggert.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
SOLDIER: All right, knock it off!
OFFICER: Hey, hey, hey, get off of him!
Hold it right there! Hey, hey, you! You!
SOLDIER: Knock it off! Knock it off!
I want that man arrested!
This is unsatisfactory.
I demand that the entire Madison squad be disqualified from the final competition!
Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.
That's not enough! Look at 'em!
These animals are so pathetic, their own commander didn't even bother to show up.
There ain't no need for name-calling.
Major Payne. What are you doing here?
I was told you were on an important assignment.
Well, what could be more important
than my boys winning this here competition?
I suggest we get this party started.
Is that okay with you, Colonel?
Cadets, I'm pleased to announce the two top-rated squads
who will compete for first and second place in the parade drill competition.
Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.
Arms, hut!
Left face!
BRAGGART: Ladies and gentlemen, Wellington Academy.
Forward march!
Drill leader, Sergeant Michael Rachmill.
Right. Right.
All right, gentlemen. Let's look alive here! We got trophies to win!
Hello, Mr. Denial.
While you were on vacation,
we've been having some real problems here.
I don't see no problem. You made it to the finals, didn't you?
Yeah, no thanks to you.
So why did you come back? We don't need you.
Maybe I didn't come back for you.
Why'd you come back then?
Maybe I told myself that I want to see you win first place
and ain't gonna leave until you do.
So that's it? It's all about the trophy?
Maybe I like you.
What?
Just like?
Maybe I like you a lot.
That's it?
Don't push the "maybe," baby.
Now let's win this thing.
We have nobody to lead the drill.
'Course we do.
Who?
Tiger.
Are you crazy? What?
That's right.
That boy know the drill like the knob on the back of his head.
I can't do it. I'm too little.
BRAGGART: Ladies and gentlemen,
the Wellington Academy Drill Team.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
You need me to tell you the story
about the Little Engine That Could again?
Then you get out there and you toot that horn, boy.
Toot, toot.
BRAGGART: Ladies and gentlemen, Madison Preparatory School.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(DRUM ROLL)
Drill Team leader, Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Bust a move!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
ALL: (SINGING) Now here we are together
Ready to do whatever
We started out as boys
Now we're men And we're making noise
Stand back and step clear
Madison cadets are the ones to fear
If you don't believe Battle us and you will see
Oh, yeah, here we come Here we come, here we come
Hip-hop, hip-hop hip-hop ho
We can get down 'Cause it's in our souls
Hit me with a one, two
One, two
Hit me with a three, four
Three, four
ALL: One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four
Mark time, march!
(CADETS EXCLAIMING)
Present arms.
Forward march.
(GRUNTING)
Order arms!
Philly stomp.
ALL: Ho!
(SINGING) One, two, three!
Get down on the hip-hop
Get down and get funky and you don't stop
What, do that, do that
Go, Tiger
Do that, do that Get down, do that, do that
Go, Tiger, do that, do that Get down, do that
(WHOOPING) Do that, go, Tiger
Do that, do that
Get down Do that, do that
(SCREAMING) Go, Tiger
(GUNS FIRE) Salute.
BRAGGART: Madison Preparatory School.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Company, atten-hut!
Sir, squad is formed, sir.
Post.
My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne!
I'd like to be the first to welcome you
to the Madison School.
What we've tried to develop here
is a family environment.
One of trust and understanding.
I'd like for you to think of me not only as your commanding officer
but as your friend.
(BARKS)
And what the hell is that?
He's mine.
(WHISTLES)
That a boy. Sit.
Good boy.
You know, there ain't no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
Yeah, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me.
He's my blind seeing-eye dog.
What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog?
The dog ain't blind.
I'm the one that's blind, you idiot.
Oh, I see you and your friend Cujo here
got a little attitudinal problem,
needs some readjusting.
Well, I'm gonna fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry.
Hey, Corporal.
Go tell Mama to bring my field knife.
(DOG MOANING)
(WHIMPERING)
(CHUCKLES)
(PAYNE LAUGHING)