1 00:00:01,790 --> 00:00:04,035 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:04,059 --> 00:00:07,772 "Play up, play up, and play the game." 3 00:00:07,796 --> 00:00:12,777 Kipling said that if you can meet triumph and disaster 4 00:00:12,801 --> 00:00:15,746 and treat them just the same, 5 00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:18,406 then you will be a man. 6 00:00:19,741 --> 00:00:23,188 These days of course, you would have to say "Person," 7 00:00:23,212 --> 00:00:25,957 Which doesn't even scan. 8 00:00:25,981 --> 00:00:31,028 But nobody bothers about that sort of thing anymore, of course. 9 00:00:31,052 --> 00:00:35,733 Nonetheless, Kipling's message is needed more today than it ever was. 10 00:00:35,757 --> 00:00:38,736 Because sport, as we shall see, 11 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,739 is like a half-sucked sweet, 12 00:00:41,763 --> 00:00:44,765 not what it used to be. 13 00:00:54,676 --> 00:00:56,244 Sorry, sorry. 14 00:00:57,346 --> 00:00:59,056 I love football. 15 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,227 There's so many aspects to the modern game- 16 00:01:02,251 --> 00:01:06,464 The beer, the crisps, 17 00:01:06,488 --> 00:01:08,566 the dirty songs, 18 00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:11,759 just savoring the pre-match atmosphere. 19 00:01:16,131 --> 00:01:20,178 Do you mind? I think we could do without your pre-match atmosphere. 20 00:01:20,202 --> 00:01:22,514 Oh, I love a good burp, me. 21 00:01:22,538 --> 00:01:25,049 A really good chewy one. 22 00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:27,408 Big solid beer-flavored belch. 23 00:01:29,378 --> 00:01:34,359 A really huge tongue-twanging mouthful of gas and dinner. 24 00:01:34,383 --> 00:01:36,894 Nothing like it. Especially at the footie. 25 00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:39,620 Gladiators is my sport. 26 00:01:41,190 --> 00:01:44,802 I love it. Such thighs. 27 00:01:44,826 --> 00:01:46,904 Colossal thighs. 28 00:01:46,928 --> 00:01:50,275 They could crack nuts with those thighs. 29 00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:52,674 In wolf's case, his own. 30 00:01:53,706 --> 00:01:55,880 Oh, yes. I'm going to go in for it one day, 31 00:01:55,904 --> 00:01:58,306 when I've pumped enough iron to fill my leotard. 32 00:01:59,361 --> 00:02:03,110 I've already got my name- "Love Muscle". 33 00:02:04,513 --> 00:02:07,625 Yes, football is boring compared to gladiators. 34 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:10,100 - Football is not boring. - No. 35 00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:12,514 It's the reason god made Saturday afternoons. 36 00:02:12,538 --> 00:02:16,652 Football is just a socially sanitized homo-erotic ritual. 37 00:02:16,676 --> 00:02:18,554 "Socially sat..." 38 00:02:18,578 --> 00:02:20,221 What nonsense, constable Habib. 39 00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:23,091 Is there no trendy leftist theorem 40 00:02:23,115 --> 00:02:25,260 which you will not uncritically embrace? 41 00:02:25,284 --> 00:02:28,396 Some American feminists think sport was invented 42 00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:32,400 so that men could avoid confronting their sexuality. 43 00:02:32,424 --> 00:02:35,437 Some American feminists think that phoning a woman 44 00:02:35,461 --> 00:02:39,174 while she's having an afternoon nap constitutes assault. 45 00:02:39,198 --> 00:02:42,834 Homo-erotic ritual? Coconuts and custard. 46 00:02:43,485 --> 00:02:46,864 On what evidence is such an appalling generalization based? 47 00:02:46,888 --> 00:02:48,491 I think it's obvious. 48 00:02:48,564 --> 00:02:51,553 For instance, Gary plays football every Sunday. 49 00:02:51,577 --> 00:02:55,208 Now, what do you do after the game, Gary? 50 00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:57,927 Let me think. 51 00:02:58,030 --> 00:03:01,114 - We all get in the bath together, - Right. 52 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,045 Oh, and I suppose you are suggesting that 53 00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:06,529 men bathing together by definition is is a sexual act. 54 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,669 What a sad world it has become. Sometimes I despair, I really do. 55 00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:12,387 I think we should let him finish, sir. 56 00:03:12,862 --> 00:03:15,481 Well, we have a bit of a splash, you know, 57 00:03:15,506 --> 00:03:17,431 and a bit of a sing-song, you know? 58 00:03:17,455 --> 00:03:20,157 "The hairs on her dickey di do," "Tits out for the lads"... 59 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,838 All the classics. 60 00:03:23,862 --> 00:03:25,973 And then after that there's a towel fight- 61 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,009 You beat each other with wet towels? 62 00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:30,111 You've got to have a flick, haven't you? 63 00:03:30,135 --> 00:03:33,214 Then we all get in the pub, pour a load of beer over each other's heads, 64 00:03:33,238 --> 00:03:36,116 and sing more songs about lovely saucy birds. 65 00:03:36,235 --> 00:03:39,789 And are any lovely saucy birds actually present at this point? 66 00:03:39,814 --> 00:03:42,547 Get out of it. It's a lad's thing, innit? 67 00:03:42,572 --> 00:03:44,391 Anyway, when we are well sorted 68 00:03:44,416 --> 00:03:47,344 we'll probably take our trousers off, hang them over a lamp-post, 69 00:03:47,369 --> 00:03:50,789 and if it's a really good night, fall over in a puddle of vom' on the way home. 70 00:03:51,561 --> 00:03:53,906 There you go. Blokes singing about women, 71 00:03:53,930 --> 00:03:56,843 but actually wallowing in their own naked excess. 72 00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:59,112 It's transparent suppressed homo-eroticism. 73 00:03:59,136 --> 00:04:01,681 As long as it gets you pissed. 74 00:04:01,705 --> 00:04:03,149 Constable Habib, 75 00:04:03,173 --> 00:04:05,452 do you think that the gay sexual community 76 00:04:05,476 --> 00:04:08,888 would thank you for categorizing their particular sexual preference 77 00:04:08,912 --> 00:04:12,859 as the act of a disgusting, puerile, drunken oaf like Boyle? 78 00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:16,729 - Steady on. - Your mistake, constable Habib, 79 00:04:16,753 --> 00:04:19,466 is to seek a sexual explanation for the simple truth 80 00:04:19,490 --> 00:04:23,169 that men understand football but they rarely understand women. 81 00:04:23,193 --> 00:04:25,628 Oh, that's very true, sir. 82 00:04:25,755 --> 00:04:30,348 Even the dutch game is a picture of simplicity and clarity compared 83 00:04:30,373 --> 00:04:32,253 to the mind of a woman. 84 00:04:32,278 --> 00:04:35,142 I could demonstrate the mechanics of the offside trap, 85 00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:37,444 but I couldn't tell you why 86 00:04:37,468 --> 00:04:40,314 all the women I have ever loved have said to me, 87 00:04:40,338 --> 00:04:42,649 "I've got a fat bottom." 88 00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:46,186 And then I say, "Yes, I like it." 89 00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:48,455 They throw their dinner at me. 90 00:04:48,479 --> 00:04:51,225 Lying about a girl's bottom is part of a man's duties. 91 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:54,060 It makes up for never putting the toilet seat down 92 00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:56,630 and not replacing the loo roll when it's empty. 93 00:04:56,654 --> 00:04:58,665 Well, explain this then. 94 00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:02,869 What is it about the inability of women to get out of the house? 95 00:05:02,893 --> 00:05:04,571 - What? - You heard. 96 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:08,742 Why can't women ever get out of the house? 97 00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:12,679 I say, "Tina, we are leaving at 7:30." 98 00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:17,317 That is 7:30, not a quarter to 8:00, not next year, 99 00:05:17,341 --> 00:05:20,920 not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects 100 00:05:20,944 --> 00:05:24,691 which only live for a day- which she'd spend in the bathroom, 101 00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:28,695 putting mascara on her antennae 102 00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:34,668 and trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple eyes. 103 00:05:34,692 --> 00:05:38,505 Lipstick in her-spiracles, 104 00:05:38,529 --> 00:05:40,874 and blonding her follicles. 105 00:05:40,898 --> 00:05:44,378 - Yes, the kick-off is- - I shout, "Come on, Tina!" 106 00:05:44,402 --> 00:05:47,214 She says, "I've got to put my face on, haven't I?" 107 00:05:47,238 --> 00:05:50,350 I say, "Right. I'm waiting in the car. She says, "Wait in the car." 108 00:05:50,374 --> 00:05:53,587 I say, "I will wait in the car." she says, "Right, go wait in the car." 109 00:05:53,611 --> 00:05:55,189 I say, "I'm going out to the car." 110 00:05:55,213 --> 00:05:59,416 She says, "You go to the car." it grinds you down. 111 00:06:03,687 --> 00:06:06,767 Oh, what a very splendid thing this is, 112 00:06:06,791 --> 00:06:11,104 the local community coming together in celebration of sport. 113 00:06:11,128 --> 00:06:14,307 It's what being British is all about. 114 00:06:14,331 --> 00:06:17,043 What? Being wet and bored? 115 00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:20,147 Well, yes, being wet and bored is part of it, certainly. 116 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,348 But there's so much more. 117 00:06:22,372 --> 00:06:25,051 I mean, look at this stadium. 118 00:06:25,075 --> 00:06:26,920 It reeks of history. 119 00:06:26,944 --> 00:06:28,989 It reeks of weed. 120 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,991 Under these ancient terraces, 121 00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,459 Gasforth town F.C. have seen it all. 122 00:06:33,483 --> 00:06:38,832 From not quite disaster, to complete disaster. 123 00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:43,303 From bottom of the league, to not even in the league. 124 00:06:43,327 --> 00:06:46,762 - It's a dump. - And therein lies its glory. 125 00:06:48,365 --> 00:06:52,879 We don't need some vast superbowl with a great big electronic sign 126 00:06:52,903 --> 00:06:57,550 that says "Fwaaaah! Go-ooo!" 127 00:06:57,574 --> 00:07:00,687 We're quite happy to gather together in small groups 128 00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:03,195 on a wet Saturday and be a bit sad. 129 00:07:03,274 --> 00:07:06,641 That's the spirit that made Brittain what it is today. 130 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,992 - Knackered. - And proud of it. 131 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,769 Do you think they know they're supposed to get the round leather thing 132 00:07:20,794 --> 00:07:23,786 into the big square netty thing? 133 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,912 Amateurs all, Goody, remember that. 134 00:07:26,263 --> 00:07:29,108 Weekend sporting heroes- 135 00:07:29,132 --> 00:07:33,212 Butchers, bakers, builders. 136 00:07:33,236 --> 00:07:36,081 I wouldn't want to live in a house that lot had built. 137 00:07:36,105 --> 00:07:39,818 - They're just not very good, are they? - Exactly, Habib. 138 00:07:39,842 --> 00:07:43,122 Not being good at things is what the British are good at. 139 00:07:43,146 --> 00:07:45,175 We excel in failure. 140 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,127 A good thing too, because failure is character building. 141 00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:53,065 Some of our finest moments have been defeats. 142 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:56,269 Mons, Dunkirk, 143 00:07:56,293 --> 00:07:59,238 "Lulu" coming second at eurovision with "Boom bang a bang." 144 00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:02,697 The french vote was our undoing, of course. 145 00:08:02,722 --> 00:08:05,634 They've never got over Agincourt. 146 00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:08,147 What a waste of time. 147 00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:10,916 I've never seen such a useless 148 00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:13,619 bunch of old women in all my life. 149 00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:17,055 They've got no aggression, no killer instinct. 150 00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:19,191 Oh, I don't know. 151 00:08:19,215 --> 00:08:21,260 The one with the limp's not bad. 152 00:08:21,284 --> 00:08:23,396 I'm not talking about the players, 153 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,398 I'm talking about the fans. 154 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:29,702 I am an Inspector of criminal investigations. 155 00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:31,591 When I police a football match 156 00:08:31,616 --> 00:08:34,874 I expect a decent enemy. 157 00:08:34,898 --> 00:08:37,377 Where are the skinheads, 158 00:08:37,401 --> 00:08:40,279 the shadowy street-fighting generals? 159 00:08:40,303 --> 00:08:44,817 You only get premiere-league hooligans with premiere-league sides, sir. 160 00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:47,020 Don't be so defeatist, constable Boyle, 161 00:08:47,044 --> 00:08:51,624 this could be the season when Gasforth F.C. rises like a phoenix. 162 00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:53,493 More like a turkey. 163 00:08:53,517 --> 00:08:56,095 We're already through the first round of the F.A. Cup. 164 00:08:56,119 --> 00:09:00,266 Only because their lot all got food poisoning from our burger van. 165 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,235 Nice game that. It's a long time 166 00:09:02,259 --> 00:09:04,837 since I've seen 11 men vomiting in tight formation. 167 00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:08,541 - Nonetheless, if we win today- - Ooh, ooh, sir, sir, look! 168 00:09:08,565 --> 00:09:12,245 Goal! 169 00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:16,049 An F.A. Cup second round victory for Gasforth. 170 00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:18,418 - Lucky shot. - They all count. 171 00:09:18,442 --> 00:09:20,453 Where was their goalie? 172 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:23,212 Look, sir. There he is coming out of the bogs. 173 00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:28,027 Mmm, we really must get the health and safety people 174 00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:30,419 to have a look at that burger van. 175 00:09:34,524 --> 00:09:38,337 Uggghhh! I can't stand it! 176 00:09:38,361 --> 00:09:41,640 Those pathetic little-little builders 177 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,676 working outside the bank. 178 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,345 Every time a woman goes in or out of that door 179 00:09:46,369 --> 00:09:48,948 they're there, hanging off their scaffolding 180 00:09:48,972 --> 00:09:51,150 like sexually inadequate bats. 181 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,453 - Who's that then? - Men! 182 00:09:53,477 --> 00:09:56,522 Tiny brained, sexually frustrated, 183 00:09:56,546 --> 00:09:58,657 emotionally retarded, 184 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,761 inadequate, puerile, juvenile, drooling, 185 00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:06,122 leering, sneering, pointless bloody men. 186 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,502 Could be half the blokes I know. 187 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,237 They've always been bad. 188 00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:14,640 But this stupid F.A. Cup thing's made them even worse. 189 00:10:14,664 --> 00:10:17,343 What you've got to do is not sink to their level. 190 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:20,213 Just turn around, give them a smile, 191 00:10:20,237 --> 00:10:22,014 maybe a bit of a wiggle, and say, 192 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:25,241 "Oi, bum head, do up your flies, your brain's hanging out." 193 00:10:27,577 --> 00:10:29,088 Tell them get stuffed. 194 00:10:29,112 --> 00:10:31,857 Oh, yeah, sure. 195 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,693 They're 30 feet up and I'm standing on the pavement going, 196 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,429 "Get stuffed." 197 00:10:36,453 --> 00:10:38,264 They'd love it! 198 00:10:38,288 --> 00:10:42,525 Oohhh! You're beautiful when you're angry, darling. 199 00:10:44,427 --> 00:10:48,007 Well, I would have thought it were flattering. 200 00:10:48,031 --> 00:10:50,943 Of course it is, Boyle. 201 00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:53,479 There's nothing builds up a girl's self-esteem 202 00:10:53,503 --> 00:10:55,248 like having a human gorilla 203 00:10:55,272 --> 00:10:57,483 with a brain the size of a peanut 204 00:10:57,507 --> 00:11:00,676 inviting you peel its banana! 205 00:11:02,646 --> 00:11:05,658 Ah, sergeant, 206 00:11:05,682 --> 00:11:08,827 since you still have 18 seconds to go before you're back on duty... 207 00:11:08,851 --> 00:11:12,165 darling, I must say you're looking lovely today. 208 00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,766 Very lovely indeed. 209 00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:16,892 Do up your flies, bum head, you're brain's hanging out. 210 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,641 Mmm. Hmmm, well. 211 00:11:21,665 --> 00:11:24,233 I must get on, must get on. 212 00:11:26,402 --> 00:11:28,280 Constable Habib, 213 00:11:28,304 --> 00:11:31,150 hold all but the most urgent calls. 214 00:11:31,174 --> 00:11:34,187 - There haven't been any calls. - When there are, hold them. 215 00:11:34,211 --> 00:11:36,823 Inspector Grim, you're on duty. 216 00:11:36,847 --> 00:11:39,058 You can't strut about like Roy of the rovers. 217 00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:42,729 I have gone undercover. 218 00:11:42,753 --> 00:11:45,898 That should fool them. 219 00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:49,836 Listen, Fowler, this is the sharp end, mate, 220 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:52,839 not jolly cricket bats, 221 00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:55,842 lovely boating weather, don't you know? 222 00:11:55,866 --> 00:11:58,410 Oxford and Cambridge- row, row, row, 223 00:11:58,434 --> 00:12:00,502 and hoist your little cox above your head. 224 00:12:02,272 --> 00:12:05,818 This is football, and football is not a game. 225 00:12:05,842 --> 00:12:07,686 Well, obviously it is a game. 226 00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,156 But it is also not a game. 227 00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:11,924 I mean, even though it is a game, 228 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,093 there's no point treating it like a game, 229 00:12:14,117 --> 00:12:17,386 because it is not a game. Although clearly it is a game. 230 00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:21,467 All right, Boyle, with me. Let's go, go, go. 231 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,103 I think we should contact the x-files, sir. 232 00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:27,997 Inspector Grim's body has been inhabited by a being from the planet Berk. 233 00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:30,609 Respect for rank, Habib. 234 00:12:30,633 --> 00:12:32,879 It's just as well he's out of the way, actually, 235 00:12:32,903 --> 00:12:34,814 I have an appointment with the mayoress. 236 00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,449 And he does rather lower the tone. 237 00:12:37,473 --> 00:12:40,086 - They mayoress is coming here? - Yes, that's right. 238 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:42,688 Dame Christabel Wickham. 239 00:12:42,712 --> 00:12:44,523 "Chrissy Wicky," yes. 240 00:12:44,547 --> 00:12:47,760 - Who you were at school with? - I had that honor, yes. 241 00:12:47,784 --> 00:12:50,863 - And you've fancied ever since? - Yes, that's the one-no! 242 00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:52,298 Now don't be absurd. 243 00:12:52,322 --> 00:12:54,934 I'll know anyway, because your nose always twitches 244 00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:56,702 when you fancy someone. 245 00:12:56,726 --> 00:13:00,139 - Patricia, you're not jealous, surely? - Of course not. 246 00:13:00,163 --> 00:13:02,275 Why would I be, when my boyfriend dribbles 247 00:13:02,299 --> 00:13:04,143 at the thought of another woman? 248 00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:07,880 But that's ridiculous, Patricia. How could you feel threatened by her? 249 00:13:07,904 --> 00:13:10,416 - It's insane. - Are you sure, Raymond? 250 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:11,918 Well, of course. 251 00:13:11,942 --> 00:13:15,654 Chrissy Wickham is brilliant, beautiful, accomplished. 252 00:13:15,678 --> 00:13:18,981 I could never get a girl like that. 253 00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:24,419 She's completely out of my league. 254 00:13:26,823 --> 00:13:28,968 Thank you, Raymond, you've said enough. 255 00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:32,071 I hope I've set your mind at rest. 256 00:13:32,095 --> 00:13:36,798 A wonderful woman like that is scarcely a threat to any girlfriend of mine. 257 00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,816 Good morning. Good morning. Sit, sit, sit. 258 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,918 As you all know, there's been 259 00:13:45,942 --> 00:13:49,288 A quite extraordinary development in the world of sport. 260 00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:52,925 Gasforth are going to play a premier-league side in the F.A. Cup. 261 00:13:52,949 --> 00:13:55,984 And what's more, it's a home game. Chelsea are coming to us. 262 00:13:56,524 --> 00:14:00,199 Now what are our chief concerns? 263 00:14:00,223 --> 00:14:03,526 Let's... Kick off, as it were- 264 00:14:09,299 --> 00:14:12,811 With the prospects for crowd trouble. 265 00:14:12,835 --> 00:14:16,582 Now sadly, the game of football is not what it was. 266 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:20,353 Gone are the days when decent lads in enormous shorts 267 00:14:20,377 --> 00:14:25,181 thrilled peaceful crowds of chirpy cloth-capped costermongers. 268 00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:31,964 What sort of example do these permed and preening louts of today set? 269 00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:33,999 These gazzers and bazzers 270 00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:37,560 and slashers and hackers and rozzers and tozzers? 271 00:14:38,695 --> 00:14:41,006 Footballers used to have nice names. 272 00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:44,210 Like Dixie Dean, 273 00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:46,712 Tiddler Tompkins, 274 00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:49,638 Nobbie Nut and Ginger Curlies. 275 00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:56,255 Raymond, the world's finest example of womanhood is at the front desk. 276 00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:59,325 Gloria Hunniford? 277 00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:05,131 The mayoress, brilliant, beautiful-think she might have had a little chin tuck. 278 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,990 The mayoress? Here already? 279 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,487 - How do I look? - Sad and pathetic. 280 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:12,945 Good. Good. 281 00:15:20,483 --> 00:15:24,618 Mayoress Wickham, welcome to our humble and unworthy station. 282 00:15:25,103 --> 00:15:27,336 Hello, Raymond. 283 00:15:30,342 --> 00:15:34,245 Your worship, this is indeed an unhoped for honor. 284 00:15:36,114 --> 00:15:37,958 Don't be so formal. 285 00:15:37,982 --> 00:15:40,728 I can remember you following me up the stairs in big school 286 00:15:40,752 --> 00:15:42,520 trying to see my knickers. 287 00:15:49,394 --> 00:15:51,572 I'm-I'm astonished and most touched 288 00:15:51,596 --> 00:15:54,808 that you recall our former acquaintance, ma'am. 289 00:15:54,832 --> 00:15:58,636 I could hardly forget old feely Fowler, could I? 290 00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:03,902 All right, where's your office? 291 00:16:03,926 --> 00:16:05,859 I want to get straight down to it. 292 00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:16,137 Tea, sergeant! 293 00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:24,491 Photo surveillance of last week's game, sir. 294 00:16:24,524 --> 00:16:27,699 Blimey! Have you seen this? It's worse than I thought. 295 00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:33,058 Fascist insignia, millitaristic uniforms, badges of rank... 296 00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:39,098 We are clearly dealing with a highly organized, well-disciplined pack. 297 00:16:39,417 --> 00:16:41,152 Yes, sir. It's a scout pack. 298 00:16:41,177 --> 00:16:44,302 One or two visious looking brownies in there as well. 299 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:46,877 Right. Down to business. 300 00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:49,982 Oh, dear sir. I'm afraid you've exposed them. 301 00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:54,240 Oh, thanks Boyle. I did tell Tina to fix this zip. 302 00:16:55,951 --> 00:16:57,224 Boyle. 303 00:16:58,443 --> 00:17:00,943 Are you chewing a brick... 304 00:17:00,968 --> 00:17:03,998 or looking at me eating hospital food? 305 00:17:04,031 --> 00:17:07,749 'Cause either way I'll be going home in an ambulance. 306 00:17:08,390 --> 00:17:10,147 No! That's wrong isn't? 307 00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,671 Sir, sir. It's the Met. 308 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:16,155 The Met? The Metropolitan Police? 309 00:17:16,218 --> 00:17:18,601 No sir, the Metropolitan Water and Sewage Authority. 310 00:17:18,757 --> 00:17:20,999 Of course the Metropolitan Police. They want you. 311 00:17:21,031 --> 00:17:23,562 It's those parking fines. I told Tina to pay 'em. 312 00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:25,116 Well, she can take the rap. 313 00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:27,639 No, sir. They want to meet with you, to discuss the game. 314 00:17:27,664 --> 00:17:29,609 They want to liaise. 315 00:17:37,031 --> 00:17:39,773 The Met want to liaise with me. 316 00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:43,022 Well, it's not a big deal, is it? 317 00:17:43,109 --> 00:17:46,023 Bit of liaising, so what? I do it all the time. 318 00:17:46,257 --> 00:17:49,491 You ask him to hold, will you? I'm just going to put on my tie. 319 00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:54,734 Oh, please take a seat, your ma'amship. 320 00:17:54,758 --> 00:17:57,203 Oh, come on, Raymond. 321 00:17:57,227 --> 00:17:59,238 It's Chrissy in private. 322 00:17:59,262 --> 00:18:02,565 Oh, that is most kind your-your Chrissyship. 323 00:18:07,071 --> 00:18:09,148 This fixture against Chelsea, 324 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:12,552 it's quite simply the biggest thing that's ever happened to Gasforth. 325 00:18:12,576 --> 00:18:14,854 And it could not have come at better time. 326 00:18:14,878 --> 00:18:18,524 You are aware of our "Relocate in Gasforth" media campaign? 327 00:18:18,548 --> 00:18:21,561 Oh, I am indeed, yes. I've seen the posters, 328 00:18:21,585 --> 00:18:25,588 "Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think." 329 00:18:26,081 --> 00:18:30,605 We are going all out to persuade big companies to set-up in our area. 330 00:18:30,630 --> 00:18:33,925 Gasforth already makes Taiwanese micro-computers, 331 00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:37,825 Japanese virtual reality software, at British cloths specs. 332 00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:40,564 But we can do better. 333 00:18:40,589 --> 00:18:44,069 Britain is poised to become the sweatshop of Europe. 334 00:18:44,093 --> 00:18:46,565 And Gasforth cannot afford to be left behind. 335 00:18:46,589 --> 00:18:47,538 Well, no, indeed. 336 00:18:47,562 --> 00:18:49,507 We need profile. 337 00:18:49,531 --> 00:18:52,243 This F.A. Cup match is key. 338 00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:56,414 It will bring television, the press, and thousands of people into the town. 339 00:18:56,438 --> 00:18:59,951 Win or lose, Gasforth is on the map. 340 00:18:59,975 --> 00:19:01,620 Your tea, ma'am. 341 00:19:01,644 --> 00:19:04,012 Put it on the desk and leave us. 342 00:19:06,682 --> 00:19:09,160 I didn't make you one, feely. 343 00:19:09,184 --> 00:19:11,596 Thought you were hot and steaming enough already. 344 00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:14,298 Some biscuits, sergeant? 345 00:19:14,322 --> 00:19:16,300 If you offer her a custard cream 346 00:19:16,324 --> 00:19:18,459 perhaps she'll let you look at her knickers. 347 00:19:21,329 --> 00:19:25,810 This will be Gasforth's big day. 348 00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:29,270 If anyone even looks as if they might cause trouble, lock 'em up. 349 00:19:30,673 --> 00:19:32,250 If you pull it off, Raymond, 350 00:19:32,274 --> 00:19:35,654 if my big day goes without a hitch, 351 00:19:35,678 --> 00:19:37,622 I'm going to do something for you 352 00:19:37,646 --> 00:19:39,691 that I know you've always wanted. 353 00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:42,727 Your worship. Can you mean...? 354 00:19:42,751 --> 00:19:45,163 I'm going to write to the honors commission 355 00:19:45,187 --> 00:19:47,588 and recommend you for an M.B.E. 356 00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:50,902 An m- 357 00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:54,105 An m-m-m-m, an m-m-m-m, 358 00:19:54,129 --> 00:19:56,741 an m-an m- 359 00:19:56,765 --> 00:20:00,511 An m-m-m-m-Blimey. 360 00:20:00,535 --> 00:20:02,452 Raymond. 361 00:20:08,977 --> 00:20:10,912 - Raymond! - Huh? Patricia! 362 00:20:12,581 --> 00:20:14,849 - Where am I? - Raymond! 363 00:20:15,851 --> 00:20:17,384 Biscuits! 364 00:20:20,643 --> 00:20:23,578 Gladiators ready! 365 00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:26,725 Enter... 366 00:20:26,749 --> 00:20:29,083 Love Muscle. 367 00:20:33,989 --> 00:20:35,967 Ooh, Maggie. Maggie, Maggie 368 00:20:35,991 --> 00:20:38,069 maggie, come here. Come here. 369 00:20:38,093 --> 00:20:41,495 Okay, now, who am I? Who am I? Okay? 370 00:20:44,299 --> 00:20:46,444 Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. 371 00:20:46,468 --> 00:20:49,037 Quack, quack, quack, wack, wack, wack. 372 00:20:51,239 --> 00:20:53,518 J. Nasty with a sore throat? 373 00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:55,643 Donald Duck. 374 00:20:58,814 --> 00:21:02,116 Oh, I do love this riot gear. 375 00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:07,799 Really Patricia, what a horrid suspicious mind you have. 376 00:21:07,823 --> 00:21:10,468 There are any number of perfectly innocent reasons 377 00:21:10,492 --> 00:21:13,160 why a man might put his head up the mayoress' skirt. 378 00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:17,408 She promised to recommend me for an M.B.E. 379 00:21:17,432 --> 00:21:20,278 Oh, well I hope she doesn't try and get you knighted. 380 00:21:20,302 --> 00:21:22,513 I should probably find you copulating together 381 00:21:22,537 --> 00:21:24,282 on the steps of the town hall! 382 00:21:24,306 --> 00:21:27,441 Really, Patricia, these insinuations are unworthy of you. 383 00:21:27,742 --> 00:21:30,788 My relationship with the mayoress is entirely respectable. 384 00:21:30,812 --> 00:21:33,358 Even when you've got your face in her underwear? 385 00:21:33,382 --> 00:21:36,027 Particularly when I've got my face in her underwear. 386 00:21:36,051 --> 00:21:37,461 Particularly. 387 00:21:37,485 --> 00:21:39,998 I think I've said all I need to say on the subject. 388 00:21:40,022 --> 00:21:42,433 Can we kindly move on to another topic? 389 00:21:42,457 --> 00:21:44,358 All right. Right. 390 00:21:48,230 --> 00:21:50,441 I'm going to the bank at lunchtime. 391 00:21:50,465 --> 00:21:52,877 Can I get you anything from the shops? 392 00:21:52,901 --> 00:21:53,998 Ooh, hmmm. 393 00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:56,381 Some chocolates, some flowers for the mayoress? 394 00:21:56,405 --> 00:21:59,166 Some blistick, so your lips don't get 395 00:21:59,191 --> 00:22:01,742 chapped when you're next kissing her bottom? 396 00:22:07,549 --> 00:22:11,029 Our job on match day will be to police the Gasforth crowd. 397 00:22:11,053 --> 00:22:15,400 The metropolitan police will, of course, be in charge of the Chelsea supporters, 398 00:22:15,424 --> 00:22:19,170 and a nasty bunch of ill-mannered yobbos they are bound to be. 399 00:22:19,194 --> 00:22:21,239 I anticipate quite appalling behavior. 400 00:22:21,263 --> 00:22:24,875 I think you're being prejudiced, sir. Most supporters are genuine fans. 401 00:22:24,899 --> 00:22:26,806 I wasn't talking about the supporters, Habib, 402 00:22:26,831 --> 00:22:30,081 I was talking about the Metropolitan police. 403 00:22:30,105 --> 00:22:34,485 The idea of Gasforth being awash with London officers fills me with dread. 404 00:22:34,509 --> 00:22:36,887 Swaggering about the place, 405 00:22:36,911 --> 00:22:39,180 calling each other "My son"... 406 00:22:41,049 --> 00:22:44,262 and saying that things have gone a bit pear-shaped. 407 00:22:44,286 --> 00:22:48,232 We of the Gasforth constabulary will be as smart as a bowl of cornflakes. 408 00:22:48,256 --> 00:22:51,902 I shall not have any of that London police behavior around here. 409 00:22:51,926 --> 00:22:54,195 Right, you lot. Shut it! 410 00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:58,009 Strewth, Fowler, my son, 411 00:22:58,033 --> 00:23:00,834 it all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what? 412 00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:04,382 The guvnor's talking. 413 00:23:04,406 --> 00:23:07,385 Saturday's game, very dodgy. 414 00:23:07,409 --> 00:23:10,754 Very naughty. Could go a little bit pear-shaped. 415 00:23:10,778 --> 00:23:13,557 If there's a ruck, things might get, well, iffy. 416 00:23:13,581 --> 00:23:17,428 These faces are a little bit hard. Know what I mean? 417 00:23:17,452 --> 00:23:19,730 A little bit-ufff! Have some of that, my son. 418 00:23:19,754 --> 00:23:21,966 Bosh, salty, ta-ta. 419 00:23:21,990 --> 00:23:24,058 Got me? So be clever. 420 00:23:25,060 --> 00:23:27,305 Good. Now shut it! 421 00:23:27,329 --> 00:23:31,675 Inspector Grim, in recognition of our multilingual society, 422 00:23:31,699 --> 00:23:35,613 the modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages. 423 00:23:35,637 --> 00:23:39,417 But not, I fear, complete idiot. 424 00:23:39,441 --> 00:23:46,457 Funny, tres droll. You're a comedian, my son, that I do not think. 425 00:23:46,481 --> 00:23:50,028 I've been liaising with some geezers at the met, 426 00:23:50,052 --> 00:23:52,430 pooling our intelligence. 427 00:23:52,454 --> 00:23:55,866 Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile. 428 00:23:55,890 --> 00:23:57,958 Shut it, you slag! 429 00:23:59,994 --> 00:24:01,972 - Boyle, my son. - Guvnor. 430 00:24:01,996 --> 00:24:05,015 Let's go, go, go, before things get pear-shaped. 431 00:24:05,039 --> 00:24:06,496 Sorted. 432 00:24:07,536 --> 00:24:09,603 And, you lot, shut it! 433 00:24:11,273 --> 00:24:16,220 C.I.D., not so much out of the blue as out of their minds. 434 00:24:16,244 --> 00:24:19,539 Now, to business, and to Gasforth's big day. 435 00:24:19,564 --> 00:24:22,443 Now, as you can see, her majesty has seen to it 436 00:24:22,467 --> 00:24:26,145 that we are fully equipped for the worst-case scenario of riot control. 437 00:24:26,170 --> 00:24:28,348 So, if you could put your helmets on, everybody... 438 00:24:28,372 --> 00:24:31,174 I thought you'd never ask. 439 00:24:32,277 --> 00:24:34,255 Hey, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, shall I? 440 00:24:34,279 --> 00:24:35,990 Quack, quack, quack, shall I do it? 441 00:24:36,014 --> 00:24:37,548 - No. No. - No, not now. 442 00:24:38,734 --> 00:24:43,331 Now the ideal is not to employ force, but intimidation. 443 00:24:43,355 --> 00:24:46,867 We wish to subdue the hooligan before he becomes violent. 444 00:24:46,891 --> 00:24:50,637 We can achieve this by setting up a rhythmic beating on our shields, 445 00:24:50,662 --> 00:24:54,007 such as to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy, 446 00:24:54,031 --> 00:24:58,979 as once did the Zulus- an adversary the British army truly appreciated. 447 00:24:59,003 --> 00:25:02,015 I'm not surprised. The Zulus had rhythmic beating, 448 00:25:02,039 --> 00:25:03,784 the British had field artillery. 449 00:25:03,808 --> 00:25:06,153 I bet they appreciated it. 450 00:25:06,177 --> 00:25:09,490 All right, Habib. Just because something is morally inexcusable 451 00:25:09,514 --> 00:25:12,493 does not stop it being a cherished part of the national fabric. 452 00:25:12,517 --> 00:25:14,651 Look at the walnut whip. 453 00:25:16,721 --> 00:25:18,098 Now, the rhythm I had in mind, 454 00:25:18,122 --> 00:25:21,001 was ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah. 455 00:25:21,025 --> 00:25:23,203 Ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah. 456 00:25:23,227 --> 00:25:24,605 All right, try it. 457 00:25:24,629 --> 00:25:26,897 And ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah. 458 00:25:29,233 --> 00:25:31,912 Goody, Goody. Can't you keep a simple rhythm? 459 00:25:31,936 --> 00:25:34,448 No, sir, I'm hopeless. 460 00:25:34,472 --> 00:25:36,851 I need a metronome to brush my teeth. 461 00:25:36,875 --> 00:25:39,687 Sir, sir. I think it will help 462 00:25:39,711 --> 00:25:41,589 if we put some words to the rhythm, sir. 463 00:25:41,613 --> 00:25:43,257 How about, um... 464 00:25:43,281 --> 00:25:46,059 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 465 00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:48,161 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 466 00:25:48,185 --> 00:25:49,897 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake- 467 00:25:49,921 --> 00:25:52,466 - Good idea. Goody, will that help? - I think so, sir. 468 00:25:52,490 --> 00:25:54,435 Right, okay. After me. 469 00:25:54,459 --> 00:25:57,838 And, Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 470 00:25:57,862 --> 00:26:00,574 Good, excellent. All right, form up. Form up. 471 00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:04,144 Now, prepare to intimidate the enemy with rhythmic beating. 472 00:26:04,168 --> 00:26:06,847 And, Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 473 00:26:06,871 --> 00:26:09,683 - Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. - Turn! 474 00:26:09,707 --> 00:26:13,310 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 475 00:26:14,479 --> 00:26:16,757 Halt! Excellent. Well done, everybody. 476 00:26:16,781 --> 00:26:19,627 That should scare the socks off them. 477 00:26:19,651 --> 00:26:22,329 After we've subdued them with Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, 478 00:26:22,353 --> 00:26:24,998 we can give them a chorus of baa baa blacksheep. 479 00:26:25,022 --> 00:26:28,035 That will really make them fill their trousers. 480 00:26:28,059 --> 00:26:30,304 You think we ought to toughen up our chant? 481 00:26:30,328 --> 00:26:33,741 Either that or hire ourselves out for children's parties. 482 00:26:33,765 --> 00:26:36,477 How about, bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat? 483 00:26:36,501 --> 00:26:38,979 - Bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat? - No! 484 00:26:39,003 --> 00:26:42,883 I will not have my officers employing gutter language rhythmically in public. 485 00:26:42,907 --> 00:26:47,387 - Sorry. - What about go away, go away, naughty men? 486 00:26:47,411 --> 00:26:49,857 If the Zulu's had called Michael Caine a naughty man 487 00:26:49,881 --> 00:26:53,060 he would have laughed so hard he would have irrigated the veldt. 488 00:26:53,084 --> 00:26:55,830 Maybe we should change the rhythm a bit, sir. 489 00:26:55,854 --> 00:26:58,165 If you don't move along boom-boom, 490 00:26:58,189 --> 00:27:00,668 I'm gonna stick this baton, boom boom, 491 00:27:00,692 --> 00:27:02,636 where the sun don't shine, boom boom. 492 00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:05,105 I've got one. I've got one. I've got one. 493 00:27:05,129 --> 00:27:08,843 What's the difference between you lot, 494 00:27:08,867 --> 00:27:12,035 and a bucket of sick? 495 00:27:14,071 --> 00:27:15,772 The bucket. 496 00:27:17,008 --> 00:27:18,986 No, we should be tougher. 497 00:27:19,010 --> 00:27:21,421 Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. 498 00:27:21,445 --> 00:27:23,384 Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. 499 00:27:23,408 --> 00:27:25,410 How about: Up yours - dog breath. 500 00:27:25,434 --> 00:27:26,868 Up yours - dog breath. 501 00:27:26,893 --> 00:27:30,086 - Up yours - dog breath. - Up yours - dog breath. 502 00:27:40,893 --> 00:27:43,271 - You want me to get them off? - Yeah! 503 00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:44,529 Right! 504 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,166 You're all under arrest. 505 00:27:50,536 --> 00:27:53,682 It's all going pear-shaped, Boyle. 506 00:27:53,706 --> 00:27:55,817 Where are the naughty faces? 507 00:27:55,841 --> 00:27:59,420 The iffy, dodgy, nancy poncies? 508 00:27:59,444 --> 00:28:02,524 How can I face my muckers at scotters, 509 00:28:02,548 --> 00:28:06,494 when I've yet to bang even one slag in the slammer? 510 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:09,264 Could I have done more? 511 00:28:09,288 --> 00:28:11,667 Could I have gone deeper undercover? 512 00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:13,468 No way, sir. 513 00:28:13,492 --> 00:28:15,904 You have taken your bobble hat off all week. 514 00:28:15,928 --> 00:28:18,707 And wool makes my forehead itch. 515 00:28:18,731 --> 00:28:21,810 All right, lads. Tomorrow, 516 00:28:21,834 --> 00:28:23,979 those Chelsea scum are dust. 517 00:28:24,003 --> 00:28:26,237 But we stick with the plan, all right? 518 00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:30,909 Sorted, my son. 519 00:28:35,948 --> 00:28:37,666 Yes, madam. 520 00:28:38,073 --> 00:28:40,713 No, seargeant, you were absolutely right to arrest them. 521 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,651 I will not stand for sexual intimidation of that sort. 522 00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:47,892 - It's abusive and threatening behaviour. - Yes, it's flippin' well is. 523 00:28:47,955 --> 00:28:52,073 Just imagine if it'd been the mayoress going to the bank instead of just you. 524 00:28:52,581 --> 00:28:56,294 I'm sorry, madam, there are no grounds for police action. 525 00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:58,252 Goodbye. 526 00:28:59,354 --> 00:29:00,732 What was that, Habib? 527 00:29:00,756 --> 00:29:03,568 Just a cantankerous complainer from Colchester Crescent. 528 00:29:03,592 --> 00:29:05,670 Complains about something every day. 529 00:29:05,694 --> 00:29:08,673 Yesterday, it was the pelican crossing beeping. 530 00:29:08,697 --> 00:29:11,877 I think she wanted me to arrest the little green man. 531 00:29:11,901 --> 00:29:16,114 Tonight it's a party. Some lads celebrating Gasforth winning the F.A. Cup already. 532 00:29:16,138 --> 00:29:19,851 Great grumbling grommets, Habib. A party? 533 00:29:19,875 --> 00:29:22,353 Supposing the mayoress heard the row? 534 00:29:22,377 --> 00:29:25,457 Or an important trade delegation from southeast asia? 535 00:29:25,481 --> 00:29:27,459 Bring those naughty carousers in. 536 00:29:27,483 --> 00:29:29,394 But, sir, it's only 7:00 in the evening. 537 00:29:29,418 --> 00:29:32,564 It's 2:00 in the morning in Kuala Lumpur. 538 00:29:32,588 --> 00:29:35,734 Bring them in. Bring them in and lock them up. 539 00:29:35,758 --> 00:29:38,292 Lock them all up! Lock everyone up! 540 00:29:52,641 --> 00:29:55,487 I forgot my truncheon. 541 00:29:55,511 --> 00:29:59,424 Gasforth offers cheap labor, long hours, 542 00:29:59,448 --> 00:30:03,829 no unions, no minimum wage, no job security, 543 00:30:03,853 --> 00:30:06,164 and a maximum 5-minute lunch break. 544 00:30:06,188 --> 00:30:10,291 That's a very attractive package for any foreign investor. 545 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:15,681 Also, included as an incentive is free child labour. 546 00:30:15,706 --> 00:30:18,767 Centrally funded via the youth training scheme. 547 00:30:18,792 --> 00:30:21,660 Yes, yes. But when does the football begin? 548 00:30:22,997 --> 00:30:25,608 Uh, the kick-off is at 3:00, sir. 549 00:30:25,632 --> 00:30:27,777 That is the tradition in our country. 550 00:30:27,801 --> 00:30:31,147 I know when a bloody football match starts, constable plod. 551 00:30:31,171 --> 00:30:33,239 But it's 3:20 now. 552 00:30:36,943 --> 00:30:41,976 Your worship, I'm afraid we're going to have to forfeit the game. 553 00:30:42,001 --> 00:30:43,409 What? 554 00:30:43,433 --> 00:30:45,210 None of our players have turned up. 555 00:30:45,234 --> 00:30:47,379 It's incomprehensible. 556 00:30:47,403 --> 00:30:49,381 They were all fine yesterday. 557 00:30:49,405 --> 00:30:51,383 Bazzer, Gazzer, and Bazzer 558 00:30:51,407 --> 00:30:53,052 were at work on the building site 559 00:30:53,076 --> 00:30:55,505 next to the bank, as usual. 560 00:30:55,529 --> 00:30:58,355 Bazzer, Bazzer, Gazzer, and Simon the captain 561 00:30:58,380 --> 00:31:01,465 were having a strategy meeting at the pizza hole 562 00:31:01,490 --> 00:31:04,747 and Gazzer, Gazzer, and Gazzer were having a bit of a party 563 00:31:04,771 --> 00:31:06,983 and a sing-song round at Bazzer's house 564 00:31:07,007 --> 00:31:10,820 in Colchester Crescent. I simply cannot imagine what has happening to them. 565 00:31:10,844 --> 00:31:13,023 - Now listen- - No football? I'm going. 566 00:31:13,047 --> 00:31:15,291 No, no, please. Please, wait. 567 00:31:15,315 --> 00:31:17,227 We'll have a dual carriageway 568 00:31:17,251 --> 00:31:19,885 that runs all the way to the Sainsbury superstore. 569 00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:25,201 When I find out who's responsible for the team not turning up- 570 00:31:25,225 --> 00:31:27,527 Raymond, I want you to- 571 00:31:28,662 --> 00:31:31,341 Raymond! 572 00:31:31,365 --> 00:31:33,666 Raymond!