1
00:00:31,095 --> 00:00:36,164
Right, that concludes this morning's
briefing. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

2
00:00:36,165 --> 00:00:38,933
And never forget that in
the grand order of life,

3
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,601
There are but
two forces--

4
00:00:40,602 --> 00:00:42,301
Those of order...

5
00:00:42,302 --> 00:00:43,803
And those of chaos.

6
00:00:43,804 --> 00:00:46,237
And between them, there lies us,

7
00:00:46,238 --> 00:00:48,138
The thin blue line.

8
00:00:48,139 --> 00:00:50,440
So that's three forces then.

9
00:00:51,876 --> 00:00:54,276
Two forces, constable
Goody, as I've explained.

10
00:00:54,277 --> 00:00:55,845
The forces of order and of chaos.

11
00:00:55,846 --> 00:00:58,513
Yes, and us in the
middle, the police force.

12
00:01:00,214 --> 00:01:02,414
I think we'd better
pick this up again later.

13
00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:04,650
You're all due out on patrol.

14
00:01:04,651 --> 00:01:07,819
Dear, oh dear, Raymond,

15
00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:10,955
Why do you bluebottles bother?

16
00:01:10,956 --> 00:01:13,322
The uniformed constable is obsolete.

17
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,391
Extinct, like the "doo-doo."

18
00:01:19,528 --> 00:01:22,662
Computers, sir. That's where
it's all rocking, isn't it, eh?

19
00:01:22,663 --> 00:01:24,096
That's right, Kray,

20
00:01:24,097 --> 00:01:27,331
In the shadowy electronic alleyways

21
00:01:27,332 --> 00:01:28,933
Of the internet,

22
00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:30,968
A new type of villain lurks.

23
00:01:30,969 --> 00:01:35,336
Right, how is our investigation
into stolen credit cards going?

24
00:01:35,337 --> 00:01:37,205
All in the computer, sir.

25
00:01:37,206 --> 00:01:39,740
The way to stop credit
cards being stolen

26
00:01:39,741 --> 00:01:42,008
Is for people to take
care of their property.

27
00:01:42,009 --> 00:01:46,277
I'd like to meet the man who
could get inside my trousers.

28
00:01:46,278 --> 00:01:49,647
What is more, my officers
are far from being "doo-doos,"

29
00:01:49,648 --> 00:01:51,948
Or indeed, dodos.

30
00:01:51,949 --> 00:01:54,049
They are, in fact, first rate.

31
00:01:54,050 --> 00:01:56,518
Keen of eye, swift of thought

32
00:01:56,519 --> 00:01:59,486
And regular of bowel.

33
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,488
They don't need
computers to solve crimes

34
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,789
Because they have brains,
Grim. Remember them?

35
00:02:04,790 --> 00:02:07,291
A bobby's best friend

36
00:02:07,292 --> 00:02:09,192
Is his brain.

37
00:02:11,629 --> 00:02:14,763
Well, it's pretty clear--
he got in through the window.

38
00:02:14,764 --> 00:02:16,531
Unless, of course,

39
00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:19,833
The window was broken after
the villains gained entry.

40
00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:21,902
Broken from within.

41
00:02:21,903 --> 00:02:24,937
- You mean an inside job?
- You've got to admit, it would all fit.

42
00:02:24,938 --> 00:02:26,704
What, that he robbed his own flat?

43
00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:29,172
Exactly! Insurance claim, Maggie.

44
00:02:29,173 --> 00:02:30,741
It's a nice little motive.

45
00:02:30,742 --> 00:02:32,775
All the glass is on the inside, Kevin.

46
00:02:32,776 --> 00:02:34,876
Do you reckon that after he smashed it,

47
00:02:34,877 --> 00:02:38,178
He went outside, picked up all
the bits and brought them back in?

48
00:02:40,581 --> 00:02:42,448
It's possible.

49
00:02:42,449 --> 00:02:44,716
His fingers are cut
up, we've got our man.

50
00:02:44,717 --> 00:02:46,884
- Just... Get your notebook, Kevin?
- Yes.

51
00:02:48,554 --> 00:02:49,753
Now then, sir,

52
00:02:49,754 --> 00:02:51,888
- I know you're
upset-- - whoops!

53
00:02:51,889 --> 00:02:55,089
Kevin!

54
00:02:55,090 --> 00:02:58,124
Could you give us some idea of
what's been taken and their value?

55
00:02:58,125 --> 00:02:59,459
"what's been taken"?

56
00:02:59,460 --> 00:03:01,994
My self-respect,

57
00:03:01,995 --> 00:03:03,629
My peace of mind,

58
00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:05,430
My sense of well-being.

59
00:03:05,431 --> 00:03:08,398
Could you describe
these items please, sir?

60
00:03:10,333 --> 00:03:12,769
They are beyond value!

61
00:03:12,770 --> 00:03:14,870
Told you-- mega
insurance claim.

62
00:03:14,871 --> 00:03:17,137
- Shut up!
- What are you lot gonna do?

63
00:03:17,138 --> 00:03:19,539
- This has ruined my life!
- We'll do our best, sir,

64
00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,874
But the clear-up rate
for burglaries is so--

65
00:03:21,875 --> 00:03:24,342
I don't know why I even
bothered calling you lot out.

66
00:03:24,343 --> 00:03:27,978
You're about as much use as
a tin-tack in a jockstrap.

67
00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:30,080
Oh.

68
00:03:30,081 --> 00:03:33,215
- Name?
- ( slurred ) can't remember.

69
00:03:34,917 --> 00:03:37,585
"Mr. R. Sole."

70
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:42,188
I mean, the bloke was devastated.

71
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,222
Everything he had had been defiled.

72
00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:47,257
Photos smashed, clothes torn.

73
00:03:47,258 --> 00:03:50,326
They even did a whoopsie
in his goldfish bowl.

74
00:03:50,327 --> 00:03:52,327
And there's nothing we can do.

75
00:03:52,328 --> 00:03:54,162
You could fish it out.

76
00:03:55,764 --> 00:03:57,831
You've got to learn to walk away.

77
00:03:57,832 --> 00:03:59,766
There's more to life
than being a copper.

78
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:01,601
I don't know how you can say that.

79
00:04:01,602 --> 00:04:04,803
You're virtually married to the
force, going out with inspector Fowler.

80
00:04:04,804 --> 00:04:07,071
He doesn't care about
anything but the police.

81
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,073
Oh, I'm sorry, Pat,
I didn't mean that--

82
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:10,907
I know very well what you meant, Maggie,

83
00:04:10,908 --> 00:04:12,173
And you're wrong.

84
00:04:12,174 --> 00:04:14,910
Raymond has a deep and romantic soul.

85
00:04:16,511 --> 00:04:18,111
You know,

86
00:04:18,112 --> 00:04:21,346
I think I've got a slow puncture.

87
00:04:23,049 --> 00:04:25,917
Oh well, another evening
spread out on the kitchen table

88
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:27,951
Wrestling with my inner tube.

89
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,687
We've been together 10 years, Maggie.

90
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,722
It can't all be candlelit dinner,

91
00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:37,057
Jars of vaseline and
double-jointed sexual gymnastics.

92
00:04:37,058 --> 00:04:39,692
My turn to cook tonight,
I think, darling.

93
00:04:39,693 --> 00:04:42,327
I thought I might make rissoles.

94
00:04:43,963 --> 00:04:47,098
Actually, tomorrow's the 10th
anniversary of our relationship.

95
00:04:47,099 --> 00:04:49,499
I'm going to surprise him
with a special breakfast.

96
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:52,501
Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater.

97
00:04:55,738 --> 00:04:57,971
Wake up, Raymond. Breakfast.

98
00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:00,039
What? Oh!

99
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,508
Bless my twinkling stars, Patricia.

100
00:05:03,509 --> 00:05:04,609
What is all this?

101
00:05:04,610 --> 00:05:07,611
Oh, well, well. Coffee, toast...

102
00:05:07,612 --> 00:05:09,646
Or something which at some point

103
00:05:09,647 --> 00:05:12,514
Has certainly been toast.

104
00:05:12,515 --> 00:05:15,616
And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken.

105
00:05:15,617 --> 00:05:19,085
You are. I'm afraid it's a waffle.

106
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,788
Oh dear.

107
00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:24,956
People worry too much
about how food looks.

108
00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:27,457
What's it gonna look like
after it's worked its way

109
00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,625
Through 28 feet of small intestine?

110
00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:35,529
Well, quite.

111
00:05:37,498 --> 00:05:40,633
Mmm. Perhaps a
smidgeon too much salt--

112
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:43,501
- There isn't any salt in it.
- I'm afraid there is.

113
00:05:43,502 --> 00:05:46,937
In that case I put sugar
on your bacon and eggs.

114
00:05:46,938 --> 00:05:50,673
It's those habitat serving
jars I put everything in.

115
00:05:50,674 --> 00:05:53,374
You can't tell one thing from another.

116
00:05:53,375 --> 00:05:56,376
I can never force much
down in the morning anyway,

117
00:05:56,377 --> 00:05:58,478
Except, perhaps, a cup of coffee.

118
00:05:58,479 --> 00:05:59,712
It's only instant.

119
00:05:59,713 --> 00:06:02,747
Ugh.

120
00:06:02,748 --> 00:06:06,150
In this case, instant gravy.

121
00:06:10,087 --> 00:06:13,354
Another mix up with the serving
jars, I fear, my darling.

122
00:06:13,355 --> 00:06:15,656
Oh well, never mind.

123
00:06:15,657 --> 00:06:18,658
All in all, it was a very nice...

124
00:06:18,659 --> 00:06:21,259
Uh, thought.

125
00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:24,095
I can't imagine what moved
you to such a splendid gesture.

126
00:06:24,096 --> 00:06:26,663
- Can't you?
- Umm...

127
00:06:28,732 --> 00:06:30,833
No, no, no, I fear not.

128
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:32,934
But-- but it's much
appreciated anyway.

129
00:06:32,935 --> 00:06:34,702
Now I really must rush.

130
00:06:34,703 --> 00:06:37,603
I have a small gift item
to pick up before work.

131
00:06:37,604 --> 00:06:40,173
Oh peachy, you did remember.

132
00:06:42,675 --> 00:06:44,842
Of course I remembered, cabbage.

133
00:06:47,111 --> 00:06:49,179
I always remember the important things.

134
00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:53,314
Cutting edge of technology.

135
00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:55,183
Cutting edge of fannying about.

136
00:06:55,184 --> 00:06:57,818
What's wrong with a
biro that's what I say.

137
00:06:57,819 --> 00:07:00,085
I've booted up and I've patched in.

138
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,386
I'm online, offline, downloaded

139
00:07:02,387 --> 00:07:04,387
And extremely cheesed off.

140
00:07:06,024 --> 00:07:09,325
You need to integrate your
power supply at source, sir.

141
00:07:09,326 --> 00:07:11,193
What?

142
00:07:11,194 --> 00:07:13,061
Plug it in.

143
00:07:15,630 --> 00:07:18,832
And so, to the topic of the
day, which is pickpocketing.

144
00:07:18,833 --> 00:07:21,733
Oh, by the way, I'll just
leave the collecting tin

145
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:24,268
For the queen's birthday
present here, shall I?

146
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:27,670
About £3 apiece should cover it.

147
00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:29,571
Excuse me, sir. I
didn't quite catch that.

148
00:07:29,572 --> 00:07:31,472
The collecting tin...

149
00:07:31,473 --> 00:07:33,441
For the queen's official birthday...

150
00:07:33,442 --> 00:07:35,209
Which is next week.

151
00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:37,043
But of course, you all knew that.

152
00:07:37,044 --> 00:07:41,046
We are members of her
majesty's police force.

153
00:07:41,047 --> 00:07:43,914
The queen is, in effect, our boss.

154
00:07:43,915 --> 00:07:47,616
And compared to many bosses,
she is a model employer.

155
00:07:49,352 --> 00:07:53,120
She does not attempt to kiss the
secretaries at the christmas party...

156
00:07:54,489 --> 00:07:57,756
She does not insist on
having the best coffee mug,

157
00:07:57,757 --> 00:08:00,859
Or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs.

158
00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:03,127
She's had a pretty
rotten time of it of late.

159
00:08:03,128 --> 00:08:05,562
It'd be a nice thing to
show her she's appreciated.

160
00:08:05,563 --> 00:08:08,530
Personally I think
celebrating birthdays at work

161
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:10,131
Is a bad idea.

162
00:08:10,132 --> 00:08:12,033
Yes, well, on
this occasion--

163
00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:14,434
I mean that awful business
of going for a curry

164
00:08:14,435 --> 00:08:16,870
With people you either
don't know or don't like.

165
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:21,605
- Yes, yes, well-- - and there
is nothing to do but drink.

166
00:08:21,606 --> 00:08:24,908
So before you know it, you're
doing the old elephant impression.

167
00:08:24,909 --> 00:08:27,809
And everyone else in
the restaurant hates you

168
00:08:27,810 --> 00:08:30,945
Because quite frankly, they
couldn't give a flying hoo-ha

169
00:08:30,946 --> 00:08:33,313
Whether the birthday girl lives or dies.

170
00:08:33,314 --> 00:08:35,615
Yes, well, I wasn't really thinking

171
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,684
Of taking her majesty for a curry.

172
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,786
What's your elephant impression, Frank?

173
00:08:42,787 --> 00:08:45,488
You pull your trousers
pockets inside out, you see?

174
00:08:45,489 --> 00:08:46,589
And then
you unzip--

175
00:08:46,590 --> 00:08:48,590
Thank you, Gladstone.

176
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:52,593
I have, in fact,
already taken the liberty

177
00:08:52,594 --> 00:08:54,727
Of purchasing
her a gift--

178
00:08:54,728 --> 00:08:57,662
A small porcelain figurine...

179
00:08:58,698 --> 00:09:01,099
Of a young lad fishing.

180
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:07,303
The collecting tin is there, as
I say. It's very much up to you.

181
00:09:07,304 --> 00:09:10,305
I don't want to buy the
queen a present, sir.

182
00:09:10,306 --> 00:09:12,539
She's an anti-christ.

183
00:09:16,176 --> 00:09:18,243
I beg your pardon?!

184
00:09:20,146 --> 00:09:22,479
Oh no, I mean anarchist.

185
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,916
No, no, what's that word
for someone who's out of date

186
00:09:26,917 --> 00:09:28,984
And doesn't matter anymore?

187
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,287
- You mean an anachronism.
- That's right. The queen's an anachronism.

188
00:09:32,288 --> 00:09:35,155
I thought that was someone
who was scared of spiders?

189
00:09:35,156 --> 00:09:37,589
No, no, that's an arachnophobic.

190
00:09:37,590 --> 00:09:40,892
I thought that was a person who
was scared of wide-open spaces.

191
00:09:40,893 --> 00:09:45,328
No, that's agoraphobics. They can't handle
going outside. Arachnophobics hate spiders.

192
00:09:45,329 --> 00:09:47,363
Look, we're talking about the queen.

193
00:09:47,364 --> 00:09:50,664
Is the queen scared of spiders?

194
00:09:50,665 --> 00:09:54,167
You wouldn't have thought so, but
it's beginning to look that way.

195
00:09:54,168 --> 00:09:57,602
Perhaps that's why she's
scared to go outside, sir.

196
00:09:59,771 --> 00:10:01,272
Can you spare Habib a moment?

197
00:10:01,273 --> 00:10:04,074
Yes, of course. Carry on, constable.

198
00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:07,143
Thank you, darling.

199
00:10:07,144 --> 00:10:10,378
Not darling. Inspector darling.

200
00:10:10,379 --> 00:10:12,746
No, sorry. Sorry.

201
00:10:12,747 --> 00:10:15,881
Sorry, I'm just so happy, so excited.

202
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:18,783
Will you give it me after work?

203
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,119
Uh...

204
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,521
Possibly, I don't know.

205
00:10:25,522 --> 00:10:27,722
No, no, don't spoil it.

206
00:10:27,723 --> 00:10:30,858
I only get one once a year,
and I want it to be a surprise.

207
00:10:39,665 --> 00:10:42,933
No, sir, I'm afraid we haven't
made any progress at all.

208
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:46,069
- I'm very sorry.
- People don't matter anymore, do they?

209
00:10:46,070 --> 00:10:48,136
I didn't matter to the
bloke who robbed me,

210
00:10:48,137 --> 00:10:50,037
And I don't matter to you.

211
00:10:50,038 --> 00:10:52,973
Sir, please.

212
00:10:52,974 --> 00:10:54,374
We really are trying.

213
00:10:54,375 --> 00:10:57,243
So,
pickpocketing--

214
00:10:57,244 --> 00:10:59,210
Come on, come on, come on.

215
00:11:00,346 --> 00:11:02,012
- A crime which has traditionally

216
00:11:02,013 --> 00:11:04,181
Been looked upon with some indulgence.

217
00:11:04,182 --> 00:11:06,682
We have all seen the musical "Oliver"

218
00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:08,716
And are familiar with the images

219
00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:12,452
Of jolly, apple-cheeked
urchins in big hats.

220
00:11:13,687 --> 00:11:15,922
Well, dispel this cozy impression.

221
00:11:15,923 --> 00:11:20,057
The artful dodger was a thief,

222
00:11:20,058 --> 00:11:24,094
And I don't think he'd have considered
himself quite so "at home..."

223
00:11:25,461 --> 00:11:27,429
In a juvenile detention center,

224
00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:29,530
Which is where I'd have put him.

225
00:11:29,531 --> 00:11:31,165
Thieving is thieving,

226
00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:32,832
And no amount
of "oom-pah-pah"

227
00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,934
Or "boom-titty-titty"
will change that.

228
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:39,604
An englishman's pockets are his castle.

229
00:11:39,605 --> 00:11:41,805
More like his pocket
billiards room. ( chuckles )

230
00:11:41,806 --> 00:11:43,706
Detective constable Kray,

231
00:11:43,707 --> 00:11:46,109
There is a place for fatuous, flippant,

232
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:48,243
Would-be humorous inanities,

233
00:11:48,244 --> 00:11:51,678
And that place is on
"Noel's house party"...

234
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,881
Not in a police station.

235
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:58,516
Yes, sir.

236
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:01,551
Right, so let's see how it's done.
Step forward, constable Goody.

237
00:12:03,955 --> 00:12:07,455
Walk towards me.

238
00:12:07,456 --> 00:12:10,424
- Oops, I do beg your pardon.
- It's quite all right, sir.

239
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:12,659
Not all right for you, I fear, Goody,

240
00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:15,661
Because I have relieved you
of the contents of your pocket.

241
00:12:15,662 --> 00:12:20,764
In this case... A Mars bar.

242
00:12:20,765 --> 00:12:23,967
Constable Goody, a Mars bars is
scarcely police equipment, is it?

243
00:12:25,668 --> 00:12:28,469
- No, sir.
- "no, sir," indeed, sir.

244
00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:30,804
Are there any other
items of confectionary

245
00:12:30,805 --> 00:12:32,539
Secreted about your person?

246
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:37,042
No, sir.

247
00:12:38,044 --> 00:12:39,676
And by that you mean...?

248
00:12:41,512 --> 00:12:43,879
I've got a Curly Wurly
in my truncheon pouch.

249
00:12:46,382 --> 00:12:48,283
In that case, get it out before it melts

250
00:12:48,284 --> 00:12:50,684
And soils the queen's trousers.

251
00:12:50,685 --> 00:12:54,321
It's not going to melt, is
it? It's going to get eaten.

252
00:12:54,322 --> 00:12:56,188
Great jangling jehovah, it is not!

253
00:12:56,189 --> 00:12:57,956
I've never heard of such a thing.

254
00:12:57,957 --> 00:13:00,191
I will not have my
officers gorging themselves

255
00:13:00,192 --> 00:13:02,459
Whilst on duty. Hand it over.

256
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,094
Now sit down.

257
00:13:06,595 --> 00:13:10,697
Now let's see if any of
you can pick my pocket.

258
00:13:14,568 --> 00:13:17,735
You're not gonna do the
elephant impression, are you?

259
00:13:21,839 --> 00:13:23,372
I couldn't believe it!

260
00:13:23,373 --> 00:13:26,008
Making me fish my Curly Wurly
out of my trousers.

261
00:13:26,009 --> 00:13:28,442
He's going potty. He is, you know?

262
00:13:28,443 --> 00:13:32,111
Fancy rushing out before work
to buy a present for the queen.

263
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,346
I bet she never gets him anything.

264
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,416
I'm trying to trace
missing credit cards.

265
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:41,018
The bills are being done
with stolen credit cards.

266
00:13:41,019 --> 00:13:44,820
Yeah, yeah, pepperoni...

267
00:13:44,821 --> 00:13:48,022
Anchovies, spicy sausage and chili.

268
00:13:48,023 --> 00:13:50,157
Constable Kray, this is a bleeding nick,

269
00:13:50,158 --> 00:13:51,658
Not a bleeding cafeteria.

270
00:13:51,659 --> 00:13:54,660
- Nothing for you then, sir?
- No, nothing for me.

271
00:13:54,661 --> 00:13:58,095
Just a bit of cheesecake
and a can of diet lilt.

272
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,130
( banging )

273
00:14:02,332 --> 00:14:04,099
Oh, come on, Kevin,

274
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,534
You've been going on
about this all morning.

275
00:14:06,535 --> 00:14:08,202
He only pinched your Mars bar.

276
00:14:08,203 --> 00:14:11,371
- It was for her.
- What?

277
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:13,873
That Mars bar was for
the most beautiful,

278
00:14:13,874 --> 00:14:17,341
The most gorgeous woman
who ever walked the earth.

279
00:14:17,342 --> 00:14:20,509
You bought Gloria Hunniford a Mars bar?

280
00:14:22,813 --> 00:14:25,513
Constable Habib! I bought
constable Habib a Mars bar!

281
00:14:25,514 --> 00:14:27,815
She likes Mars bars. I
saw her eating one once.

282
00:14:27,816 --> 00:14:30,416
I've seen her eating
sausage, egg, chips and beans.

283
00:14:30,417 --> 00:14:33,552
That doesn't mean if you buy her
a fry up you'll get your leg over.

284
00:14:35,221 --> 00:14:37,488
No, no, Maggie Habib's
not a little girl.

285
00:14:37,489 --> 00:14:39,422
You can't win her with sweets.

286
00:14:39,423 --> 00:14:41,390
She's a woman,

287
00:14:41,391 --> 00:14:43,525
And if you want to impress a woman,

288
00:14:43,526 --> 00:14:45,359
You have to act like a man.

289
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,028
- Act like a man.
- That's right, sir.

290
00:14:48,029 --> 00:14:50,196
She won't take any notice of you

291
00:14:50,197 --> 00:14:52,364
Unless you are firm.

292
00:14:52,365 --> 00:14:55,934
That's how I treated
my wife-- firm.

293
00:14:55,935 --> 00:14:57,568
Mm-hmm!

294
00:14:57,569 --> 00:14:59,003
One day I said to her,

295
00:14:59,004 --> 00:15:01,838
"if I feel like stopping
out drinking, I will.

296
00:15:01,839 --> 00:15:05,272
And what's more, I expect my dinner
on the table when I get home."

297
00:15:05,273 --> 00:15:06,574
She took notice of that?

298
00:15:06,575 --> 00:15:09,242
I don't know. I never saw her again.

299
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,346
Engaged again.

300
00:15:15,347 --> 00:15:17,447
What's the point of belonging

301
00:15:17,448 --> 00:15:21,417
To the "emergency lost credit
card instant speedy hotline"

302
00:15:21,418 --> 00:15:24,519
If whenever you ring
them they're engaged?

303
00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:29,756
Raymond, have you bought a
birthday present for the queen?

304
00:15:29,757 --> 00:15:31,957
Yes. Is there a problem?

305
00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:33,792
When did you last buy me a present?!

306
00:15:33,793 --> 00:15:36,160
Why, on your last birthday, I believe.

307
00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:39,830
A set of reversible
spanners is not a present!

308
00:15:39,831 --> 00:15:43,165
It is a coded request to
get a smack in the mouth!

309
00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:45,033
You idiot, Raymond!

310
00:15:45,034 --> 00:15:48,769
Police stations don't send loyal
greetings to the monarch anymore!

311
00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:51,403
The queen and her whole
family have become a joke.

312
00:15:51,404 --> 00:15:53,605
You've only got to read the papers.

313
00:15:53,606 --> 00:15:56,540
Get on with your work, constable.

314
00:15:56,541 --> 00:15:58,508
I do not read the papers, Patricia.

315
00:15:58,509 --> 00:16:00,744
Therefore I do not
suffer from the illusion

316
00:16:00,745 --> 00:16:03,245
That rumor, innuendo and downright cheek

317
00:16:03,246 --> 00:16:04,846
Constitute news.

318
00:16:04,847 --> 00:16:07,380
If you want to read
something, then read a book.

319
00:16:07,381 --> 00:16:10,750
For there is more that is
true and relevant in one page

320
00:16:10,751 --> 00:16:14,753
Of Scott or Thackeray than in
every newspaper ever printed!

321
00:16:14,754 --> 00:16:17,454
You haven't read any
Walter Scott in years.

322
00:16:17,455 --> 00:16:19,288
Nor any flippin' Thackeray.

323
00:16:19,289 --> 00:16:21,257
You read Biggles books!

324
00:16:21,258 --> 00:16:25,060
And you make slurping noises
in your cocoa while you do it!

325
00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:37,534
- Is that true, sir?
- Well, I don't know.

326
00:16:37,535 --> 00:16:40,836
Perhaps the tiniest gurgle.

327
00:16:40,837 --> 00:16:42,672
No, I mean do you still read Biggles?

328
00:16:42,673 --> 00:16:45,040
That's what my little
brother's reading at the moment.

329
00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:48,042
He could do a very great deal worse.

330
00:16:48,043 --> 00:16:52,377
Because even Biggles has
much to tell us that is true

331
00:16:52,378 --> 00:16:54,979
About loyalty, courage,

332
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:56,914
- Honor--
- gay love.

333
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:58,715
Yes.

334
00:17:00,817 --> 00:17:03,218
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, of course, sir.

335
00:17:03,219 --> 00:17:06,187
Biggles and Ginger are lovers.
It's absolutely obvious.

336
00:17:06,188 --> 00:17:08,254
I think it's great the way

337
00:17:08,255 --> 00:17:11,256
They make such a positive image
of a homosexual partnership.

338
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:19,461
Biggles and Ginger

339
00:17:19,462 --> 00:17:23,098
Are comrades, constable Habib.

340
00:17:23,099 --> 00:17:25,800
Comrades in arms.

341
00:17:25,801 --> 00:17:27,633
Exactly.

342
00:17:27,634 --> 00:17:29,803
I am stunned, constable Habib.

343
00:17:29,804 --> 00:17:32,037
Absolutely stunned.
And indeed distressed

344
00:17:32,038 --> 00:17:33,905
That you choose to apply such a crass

345
00:17:33,906 --> 00:17:36,207
And puerile sexual connotation

346
00:17:36,208 --> 00:17:38,208
To innocent adventure yarns.

347
00:17:38,209 --> 00:17:41,110
Come on, sir, they're grown men.
They must have a sexual life,

348
00:17:41,111 --> 00:17:43,011
But neither of them ever mention women.

349
00:17:43,012 --> 00:17:45,080
They bunk together, breakfast together.

350
00:17:45,081 --> 00:17:47,681
Biggles is always squeezing
himself into Ginger's--

351
00:17:47,682 --> 00:17:50,149
- Cockpit.
- Sopwith camel.

352
00:17:51,151 --> 00:17:52,584
It's obvious.

353
00:17:52,585 --> 00:17:55,285
It's the same with Sherlock
Holmes and dr. Watson.

354
00:17:57,822 --> 00:18:00,056
Two blokes sharing a flat.

355
00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:02,191
Sometimes it's months between cases.

356
00:18:02,192 --> 00:18:04,458
What do they get up to in the meantime?

357
00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:08,095
They chat!

358
00:18:09,529 --> 00:18:11,797
They smoke their pipes!

359
00:18:11,798 --> 00:18:14,465
They poke the fire!

360
00:18:14,466 --> 00:18:17,735
( chuckles )

361
00:18:17,736 --> 00:18:21,169
Look, sir, if Holmes and
Watson are lovers, so what?

362
00:18:21,170 --> 00:18:23,071
Is there anything wrong with that?

363
00:18:23,072 --> 00:18:24,772
Yes, constable, there is.

364
00:18:24,773 --> 00:18:28,374
Because sex plays no part
in these stories whatsoever,

365
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,275
Hetero or otherwise.

366
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:34,245
The point of Biggles
and of Sherlock Holmes

367
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:36,913
Is to solve crimes and kill Germans.

368
00:18:36,914 --> 00:18:39,381
And by heavens, that should
be enough for any man.

369
00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:49,055
I'm taking up a collection for
the queen's birthday present.

370
00:18:49,056 --> 00:18:51,890
Look, Raymond, you may
have time for fannying about

371
00:18:51,891 --> 00:18:53,891
With presents and Biggles;

372
00:18:53,892 --> 00:18:57,761
Me and my officers are up to our
necks in important detective work.

373
00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,995
My officers and I.

374
00:18:59,996 --> 00:19:03,164
- What about them?
- Nothing about them.

375
00:19:03,165 --> 00:19:05,299
I'm simply informing
you that the phrase is,

376
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,467
"my officers and I,"
not "me and my officers."

377
00:19:09,202 --> 00:19:13,171
Is that so?! Well, me and my officers

378
00:19:13,172 --> 00:19:16,073
Are on the brink of tracking
down a bank-raid gang

379
00:19:16,074 --> 00:19:17,974
Via credit card transactions

380
00:19:17,975 --> 00:19:19,976
Which is, I think, a bit more important

381
00:19:19,977 --> 00:19:23,210
Than fannying about and
speaking hoity-toity.

382
00:19:23,211 --> 00:19:26,512
The rules of grammar,
hoity-toity or otherwise,

383
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:29,281
Are there so that meaningful
sentences can be formed

384
00:19:29,282 --> 00:19:31,650
And more importantly,
generally understood.

385
00:19:31,651 --> 00:19:33,985
Start stringing words
together willy-nilly

386
00:19:33,986 --> 00:19:35,919
And it could lead to
no end of confusion.

387
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,553
Constable Kray, lend me
your notebook. Look here--

388
00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:41,389
"the criminal ran round
my side and out the back

389
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:43,858
At a colossal lick."

390
00:19:43,859 --> 00:19:46,393
Jumble up the words
and suddenly you have,

391
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:50,896
"the criminal licked out my
colossal round backside and ran."

392
00:19:52,165 --> 00:19:53,497
Is that so?!

393
00:19:53,498 --> 00:19:56,900
Well, try these words
in a different order!

394
00:19:56,901 --> 00:19:59,134
"bugger" and "off!"

395
00:19:59,135 --> 00:20:02,236
I mean, "off" and "bugger!"

396
00:20:02,237 --> 00:20:03,805
Damn!

397
00:20:08,776 --> 00:20:10,476
Now remember what I said, Kevin.

398
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,678
Act like a man-- be
firm, be masterful.

399
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,879
So basically, just be myself.

400
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,446
No.

401
00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:23,417
Hey, you! Jaywalking is a crime.

402
00:20:23,418 --> 00:20:26,653
Get back on the pavement. Get
back on the pavement, please.

403
00:20:26,654 --> 00:20:28,854
Goody, would you
mind telling me what--

404
00:20:28,855 --> 00:20:30,856
Hang on a minute. Pickpocket.

405
00:20:30,857 --> 00:20:33,324
Not this time, punk!

406
00:20:39,897 --> 00:20:42,564
Crime's a disease. Meet the cure.

407
00:20:42,565 --> 00:20:46,167
That's my grandson. He's
helping me carry my shopping.

408
00:20:46,168 --> 00:20:48,234
He squashed my plums, gran.

409
00:20:49,302 --> 00:20:50,836
Don't be silly, love.

410
00:20:50,837 --> 00:20:53,437
I didn't buy any plums.

411
00:20:55,973 --> 00:20:57,874
At last. Hello?

412
00:20:57,875 --> 00:21:01,043
Is that the "emergency lost credit
card instant speedy hotline"?

413
00:21:02,044 --> 00:21:03,912
Yes, I can hold.

414
00:21:07,547 --> 00:21:12,017
Hello? Yes. Yes, I'd like to
report the loss of my credit cards.

415
00:21:12,018 --> 00:21:15,152
First, however, I should like
to point out that the words

416
00:21:15,153 --> 00:21:17,453
"emergency," "instant,"

417
00:21:17,454 --> 00:21:20,555
And "speedy" have no place
in your company title.

418
00:21:21,557 --> 00:21:23,524
"infuriating," yes.

419
00:21:23,525 --> 00:21:24,858
"tawdry," certainly.

420
00:21:24,859 --> 00:21:27,560
"absolutely blinking
outrageous," oh, I think so.

421
00:21:27,561 --> 00:21:29,528
No, madam, I will not
accept your apology

422
00:21:29,529 --> 00:21:31,596
Because I do not
believe that you mean it.

423
00:21:31,597 --> 00:21:33,997
I believe that you are
indifferent to the fact

424
00:21:33,998 --> 00:21:37,333
That I've just had to listen to
"the Mull of Kintyre" seven times.

425
00:21:38,668 --> 00:21:40,869
- ( dial tone )
- hello?

426
00:21:40,870 --> 00:21:42,937
Hello?

427
00:21:42,938 --> 00:21:44,538
- ( beeping )
- sir?

428
00:21:44,539 --> 00:21:47,240
- Yes?
- I've traced that missing credit card.

429
00:21:47,241 --> 00:21:50,042
- ( laughs )
- You're gonna love this.

430
00:21:50,043 --> 00:21:52,309
( laughs )

431
00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:53,811
Oh yes.

432
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:57,613
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

433
00:21:57,614 --> 00:21:59,749
Oh yes, oh yes...

434
00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:01,149
- Oh yes, Kray!
- Aah!

435
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:03,984
That was the worst beat
I have ever been on.

436
00:22:03,985 --> 00:22:06,786
It was like being on patrol
with a flippin' two-year-old.

437
00:22:06,787 --> 00:22:08,554
Look...

438
00:22:08,555 --> 00:22:11,957
He was a funny looking old bloke
hanging around at a school gate.

439
00:22:11,958 --> 00:22:17,160
- I had to collar him.
- Kevin, he was a lollipop man.

440
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:19,962
Just keep out of my
way for a while, okay?

441
00:22:21,529 --> 00:22:24,197
That's it. I'm just wasting my time.

442
00:22:24,198 --> 00:22:27,332
I think I'm gonna pack it
in. I'm gonna leave the force.

443
00:22:27,333 --> 00:22:30,701
I just had a call from the fire
brigade. They're in the high street.

444
00:22:30,702 --> 00:22:32,971
A man is threatening
suicide from a tall building.

445
00:22:32,972 --> 00:22:34,738
I'm going to attend the scene myself.

446
00:22:34,739 --> 00:22:37,406
That'll make him jump,
if nothing else does.

447
00:22:37,407 --> 00:22:40,308
Constable Habib, I may
require a woman officer.

448
00:22:40,309 --> 00:22:42,810
- Kindly come with me.
- Yes, sir.

449
00:22:44,445 --> 00:22:46,146
( sighs )

450
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:48,046
I reckon she hates me now.

451
00:22:48,047 --> 00:22:50,649
I reckon she thinks I'm a prannet.

452
00:22:50,650 --> 00:22:52,416
Oh yeah? How'd you work that out?

453
00:22:52,417 --> 00:22:53,950
It was something she said.

454
00:22:53,951 --> 00:22:56,852
She said, "I hate you, Kevin,
I think you're a prannet."

455
00:22:56,853 --> 00:22:58,620
Look,

456
00:22:58,621 --> 00:23:00,588
You got to grovel a bit, ain't you, eh?

457
00:23:00,589 --> 00:23:03,190
The birds love it. You
gotta say, "listen, doll,

458
00:23:03,191 --> 00:23:04,925
I was a real pillock."

459
00:23:04,926 --> 00:23:06,859
A bucket of champagne, and the chockies,

460
00:23:06,860 --> 00:23:08,594
And steam in for the bunk-up.

461
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:11,596
Right. Champagne, and chocolates.

462
00:23:11,597 --> 00:23:13,864
Yeah, it gets them
every time, doesn't it?

463
00:23:13,865 --> 00:23:16,766
The drawer dropper,
the knicker stripper.

464
00:23:19,903 --> 00:23:23,703
Excuse me, sir, would you
mind coming in off this ledge?

465
00:23:23,704 --> 00:23:27,206
Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you?

466
00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:30,175
Nobody respects me,
nobody cares about me.

467
00:23:30,176 --> 00:23:32,442
I'm a nothing, a nobody,

468
00:23:32,443 --> 00:23:35,312
Friendless and alone.

469
00:23:35,313 --> 00:23:39,114
But the same thing could be
said about the prime minister...

470
00:23:40,149 --> 00:23:42,616
And he leads a full and active life.

471
00:23:42,617 --> 00:23:46,352
Give me one good reason not to jump!

472
00:23:46,353 --> 00:23:47,686
All right, I will.

473
00:23:49,022 --> 00:23:51,655
That is a public pavement down there.

474
00:23:51,656 --> 00:23:54,224
Others have to use that pavement,

475
00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:58,027
And they should not be required to
circumnavigate your pureed person

476
00:23:58,028 --> 00:23:59,794
In order to do so.

477
00:23:59,795 --> 00:24:01,362
May I speak to him, sir?

478
00:24:01,363 --> 00:24:05,264
Oh, very well, I seem to have
exhausted my powers of persuasion.

479
00:24:07,234 --> 00:24:08,666
Remember me?

480
00:24:08,667 --> 00:24:10,568
You say nobody cares about you.

481
00:24:10,569 --> 00:24:11,836
That's a lie.

482
00:24:11,837 --> 00:24:14,070
I decided to leave the police today...

483
00:24:14,071 --> 00:24:15,571
Because of you

484
00:24:15,572 --> 00:24:17,605
And how we could do nothing to help.

485
00:24:17,606 --> 00:24:19,041
Is that true?

486
00:24:19,042 --> 00:24:22,176
- Yes, constable Habib, is that true?
- It was true.

487
00:24:22,177 --> 00:24:25,045
But I can see now it
would just be running away.

488
00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:26,745
Just like you're running away now.

489
00:24:26,746 --> 00:24:30,281
The bloke who did your house
over isn't going to make me run.

490
00:24:30,282 --> 00:24:33,083
And you shouldn't let
him make you, either.

491
00:24:33,084 --> 00:24:36,752
He took your video, but
he can't take your spirit.

492
00:24:36,753 --> 00:24:39,254
You have to give that away yourself.

493
00:24:41,857 --> 00:24:44,123
For god's sake, man,
what are you waiting for?

494
00:24:44,124 --> 00:24:46,825
I've never heard anything so
well put in my entire life.

495
00:24:46,826 --> 00:24:48,793
Come on in off that ledge this instant.

496
00:24:52,063 --> 00:24:54,831
I was extremely proud of
you today, constable Habib.

497
00:24:54,832 --> 00:24:57,966
It wasn't your fault
the silly fool jumped.

498
00:25:00,402 --> 00:25:02,302
Inspector Fowler,

499
00:25:02,303 --> 00:25:03,870
You are under arrest.

500
00:25:03,871 --> 00:25:06,872
I beg your pardon, inspector Grim?

501
00:25:06,873 --> 00:25:08,340
A credit card belonging to you

502
00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:10,074
Has been used to hire a car

503
00:25:10,075 --> 00:25:12,776
Which was subsequently
deployed in a drug deal.

504
00:25:12,777 --> 00:25:16,712
You know damn well that my pocket was
picked. My credit cards were taken.

505
00:25:16,713 --> 00:25:20,281
Is that so? It hasn't been
reported stolen, has it, Kray?

506
00:25:20,282 --> 00:25:24,684
No, sir. When did you discover
the loss of this credit card?

507
00:25:24,685 --> 00:25:26,719
This morning, at the briefing!

508
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:30,154
And yet you still haven't
reported it eight hours later?

509
00:25:30,155 --> 00:25:32,489
I've been trying!
They were engaged--

510
00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:34,357
( laughing )

511
00:25:35,392 --> 00:25:37,859
How's it feel to have someone being

512
00:25:37,860 --> 00:25:42,363
A bit clever and hoity-toity
with you for a change, Raymond?

513
00:25:42,364 --> 00:25:45,598
We got the bloke who nicked
your card and the drugs.

514
00:25:45,599 --> 00:25:48,999
It's gonna look pretty amusing
when it comes up on your statement--

515
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,135
A stolen car plus
half a pound of heroin.

516
00:25:52,136 --> 00:25:53,836
( laughing )

517
00:25:53,837 --> 00:25:56,204
You be a bit more careful in future.

518
00:25:57,206 --> 00:25:59,206
Yes, thank you, Derek, I will.

519
00:25:59,207 --> 00:26:02,108
Inspector Grim, there's
been another burglary.

520
00:26:02,109 --> 00:26:03,677
Sergeant Dawkins,

521
00:26:03,678 --> 00:26:06,778
How often do I have to tell
you I'm a detective inspector?

522
00:26:06,779 --> 00:26:10,547
I don't bother with
burglaries. Get uniform to go.

523
00:26:10,548 --> 00:26:12,082
All right. Constable Habib,

524
00:26:12,083 --> 00:26:14,317
Inspector Grim's house
has just been burgled.

525
00:26:14,318 --> 00:26:17,419
Come on, let's go, go, go!

526
00:26:17,420 --> 00:26:21,121
Wonder if he'll lose his
self-esteem and try and kill himself?

527
00:26:21,122 --> 00:26:23,323
He will when he realizes it was a hoax.

528
00:26:23,324 --> 00:26:26,992
Do you know, sometimes I just
can't read my own handwriting.

529
00:26:26,993 --> 00:26:29,494
That was extremely
wrong of you, Patricia.

530
00:26:29,495 --> 00:26:32,362
But he was probably going home anyway.

531
00:26:33,797 --> 00:26:35,498
- Thank you.
- Stuff it.

532
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,401
I'm afraid sergeant Dawkins
isn't very pleased with you.

533
00:26:40,402 --> 00:26:43,002
The 10th anniversary of our relationship

534
00:26:43,003 --> 00:26:45,137
And you didn't get me anything!

535
00:26:45,138 --> 00:26:48,106
I don't know why you set such
store by presents anyway, Pat.

536
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,574
Personally, I hate the way a man thinks

537
00:26:50,575 --> 00:26:52,642
When he's acted like a complete berk

538
00:26:52,643 --> 00:26:56,512
He can make it all right with a few
chockies and a bottle of champagne.

539
00:26:57,846 --> 00:27:00,747
I'd love a man who bought
me chockies and champagne.

540
00:27:00,748 --> 00:27:02,649
Maybe for an anniversary.

541
00:27:02,650 --> 00:27:05,651
But any bloke who thought he
could buy my affections like that

542
00:27:05,652 --> 00:27:07,919
- Would get a punch in the mouth!
- ( whimpers )

543
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,588
What do you want, Kevin? And what
are you hiding behind your back?

544
00:27:11,589 --> 00:27:13,556
Nothing.

545
00:27:13,557 --> 00:27:16,825
Nothing, that is...

546
00:27:16,826 --> 00:27:18,659
Except the chocolates and champagne

547
00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:20,628
Which I asked you to get for me

548
00:27:20,629 --> 00:27:22,529
While I was out at the suicide attempt.

549
00:27:22,530 --> 00:27:24,463
Isn't that right, Goody?

550
00:27:30,501 --> 00:27:32,502
Hand them over then, laddie.

551
00:27:33,903 --> 00:27:36,137
We can settle up later.

552
00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:42,908
Well, now, cabbage,

553
00:27:42,909 --> 00:27:45,243
I have to confess that
I'm more than a little hurt

554
00:27:45,244 --> 00:27:47,911
That you could think I
would forget our anniversary.

555
00:27:47,912 --> 00:27:51,147
Perhaps sometimes you forget
that I have feelings too.

556
00:27:52,149 --> 00:27:53,749
I'm sorry, peachy.

557
00:27:55,385 --> 00:27:57,485
"to darling
Maggie"--

558
00:28:00,154 --> 00:28:02,655
Spelt with one "g" and a "y."

559
00:28:02,656 --> 00:28:05,190
"sorry about arresting the lollipop man.

560
00:28:05,191 --> 00:28:07,191
Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin."

561
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,200
Do you think we got away with it, sir?

562
00:28:22,737 --> 00:28:24,837
( theme music playing )